Eclipse Chapter 03 – Vampiraptor!

Previously: Edward took Bella’s car apart so she wouldn’t go visit an icky werewolf.
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Catherine: So every chapter of this book is roughly 30 pages long so far. I want you to really think about that, friends. 30 pages. There are chapters in War and Peace that are shorter than that.

Anyway! This endless nonsense begins with Edward and Bella getting back to Forks from their trip to Florida. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Edward and Bella went all the way to Florida on a trip that probably lasted days and Meyer had the restraint to leave it out!? Huzzah, you might also be saying, if you’re a nerd.

But no. No. This chapter opens with Edward and Bella getting back to Forks, talking in the car on the drive to her house and then during that talk we get a 4 page flash back of Florida.

Annie: I do not understand why we needed the flashback. Why not just tell the story of Florida in real-time? I guess the flashback was more concise than if Stephenie had actually written about the trip as it happened. But whyyyyyy? Why? WHY?

Marines: I hate to be repetitive or state the obvious but I also can’t keep this inside: THIS IS SO DUMB. 

Kirsti: Evidence that everything about this is dumb? The chapter starts with “The sun was so deeply buried behind the clouds that there was no way to tell if it had set or not.” Is it dark, Bella? If no, THE SUN’S STILL UP.

Catherine: That’s far too complicated for her.

Edward notices that Bella is acting moody during their drive back to her house and not only sees this as an odd occurrence (it’s not) but asks her about it. Bella tells him that seeing her mother put her in a funk because she’s more ‘perceptive’ than Charlie. Did Renee realize that Bella is in an abusive relationship? Bummer.

Anyway, Edward’s response to this is:

Edward laughed, “Your mother has a very interesting mind. Almost childlike, but very insightful.”

DO NOT fall for that ‘very insightful’ bullshit, Bella. HE JUST CALLED YOUR MOTHER CHILDLIKE. TO YOUR FACE. He’s like, Haha, your mom’s an idiot. And she does NOTHING.

K: Condescending asshat.

Annie: While there are so many, many things to talk about with this book, the thing that is really hitting my rage button pretty consistently is how Edward talks about her parents. That he dismisses them, threatens them, feels that he should be allowed to comment on them, their level of intelligence, their parenting. Absolutely not, you wanker. You’re talking about the adult parents of your teenage girlfriend. Keep your mouth shut.

Mari: That’s one of the consequences of having a 100 year old boyfriend, I guess. Also, it shouldn’t bother Bella too much because she’s been calling her mother an idiot for a long time now. 

Catherine: She does only hear the word ‘insightful’ out of that, btw. And she thinks that it’s a good description of her mother. I can’t help you if you can’t help yourself, girl.

Bella thinks that her mother was paying an unnecessary amount of attention to her this weekend. Apparently Phil, Renee’s husband, was busy and Renee did nothing but pay attention to her daughter all weekend. That bitch. Also she seemed to be concerned. Who wants to take bets that Renee totally realized that Bella’s in an abusive relationship and wants to help her get out of it?

Anyone? No, me neither.

Bella remembers back to that morning, when she had a talk with her mother on the beach while Edward stayed inside. I guess Florida doesn’t have an SPF strong enough to protect from sparkling. (M: My state is pretty backwards but +1 for protection from sparkly vampires.)

So Bella’s mother tells her she’s worried about her and Edward.

But it’s because they’re more serious than she’d thought.

Bella thinks that it’s odd that her mother feels this way since she and Edward have barely touched since they’ve been there. She doesn’t want a lecture from her mother on responsibility since she’s been the one giving Renee that lecture since forever. She really says this. What a twat.

Renee says:

“There’s something… strange about the way you two are together,” she murmured, her forehead creasing over her troubled eyes, “The way he watches you—it’s so… protective. Like he’s about to throw himself in front of a bullet to save you or something.”

Oh snap! So close and yet so far away, Renee. The word you were looking for wasn’t ‘protective’ it was ‘possessive’. And he’s not trying to ward off danger so much as he is trying to keep her locked away in a little regressive bubble for ever and ever. No Sandy Cohen non-negligent parenting eyebrows for you. Back of the line.

Mari: Renee, it’s like he’s firing the gun but also trying to save her from the bullet. That would be closer. 

Catherine: That’s way more accurate. 

She does go on to say that Edward is very intense about Bella and that she feels like there is some secret in their relationship that she’s not getting.

Bella, of course, lies out of her ass and convinces her that she’s imagining things. She also notes that her mother has a ‘simple view of the world’. So I guess the reason she didn’t call Eddie out for calling her mom dumb was because she also thinks it. I can’t believe I never noticed how much of an asshole Bella is about her mom.

Mari: Normally, in a case like this, I would go back and delete my almost identical comment since you made it here, but it’s worth saying as many times as possible that Bella is an asshole. 

Catherine: She is SUCH an asshole, guys.

That is the summary of this entire series.  Renee says this also:

“The way you move—you orient yourself around him without even thinking about it. When he moves, even a little bit, you adjust your position at the same time. Like magnets… or gravity. You’re like a… satellite, or something. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

LOL Meyer thinks this is romantic, guys. Let’s all laugh at her.

Mari: I’ll make to start laughing after I’m done being creeped the hell out.

Annie: I hate that this is what we’re telling teenage girls is an ideal relationship. Meyer is suggesting this is something to aspire to. No. Absolutely not. 

K: Also… this section always reminds me of the end of the book version of Jurassic Park when they go down into the raptor nest and realise that the raptors always align themselves in the same direction and decide that they have the same electro-magnetic science-y science that causes birds to migrate and still know where they’re going. This addition serves no purpose except to compare Edward Cullen to a velociraptor. You know, ancient, cold blooded, smells like blood. 

Catherine: Now I’m picturing a velociraptor with RPatz hair.

Mari: I did my best:

 

Catherine: Back in the present (or ten years ago or whatever) Edward feels that Bella has gone too long without staring at him in rapt awe so he brushes her cheek with his ‘icy’ fingers to bring her out of her flashback. Like ya do. He tells her that they’re home and calls her ‘Sleeping Beauty’. More like an evil troll, but sure.

Bella and Edward go into Charlie’s house and Bella is surprised that her father is happy to see her. If you wanna be a bitch all the time, you gotta get used to people treating you like a bitch, Bella. Charlie tells Bella that Jacob has been trying to call her all day and Bella notices that Edward goes all ‘still’ and ‘cold’ beside her at this news. So… no change then?

The phone rings and it’s Jacob again. Bella picks it up and immediately goes on this vomit-inducing paragraph long schmoopy description about his voice. It reminds her of ‘a rocky beach strewn with driftwood trees‘ and the ‘laughter in his deep-set brown eyes’, among other tiring things.

Oh, wait no, I forgot this:

“–his face stretching into the wide smile that had always been like a key to a secret door where only kindred spirits could enter.”

In other words, his smile reminds her of the friendzone.

Mari: I mean, he’s a happy, smiling kid. Bella doesn’t know how to love if it isn’t sad, painful, stiff and cold. 

Catherine: Sexy.

Jacob starts off all pissed that she didn’t call him and Bella actually stands up for herself (a bit) and snaps that she literally just walked in the door. She asks him why he’s been calling all day and Jacob vagues about wanting to hear her voice and asking if she’s going to school tomorrow.

Bella is dumb, so she still doesn’t get it. After she gets off the phone, Bella tells Edward about the conversation and it takes her another 2 pages to figure out why Jacob was worried because Meyer got paid for this by the word, apparently. She literally makes dinner in the amount of time it takes her to figure this out.

Hey everyone, Jacob was worried about Bella because he knew she had told Charlie she would be gone for a few days and he thought that meant that the Cullens were turning her into a vampire.

There. I just saved you 2 fucking pages of your life. You’re welcome.

K: Seriously, people give Charles Dickens shit for having been paid by the word. But at least all those damned words that Dickens wrote amounted to something that was worth reading and contained decent characters. Unlike this tripe. 

Catherine: We’re dying. Send help. 

This also makes Bella realize that they’ll have to leave town before Edward turns her because of the wolf treaty and that afterward they can never come back. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she realized that a while ago and she’s just voicing it now but, lol… no.

This thought makes Bella go near catatonic again, because remember that’s her defense for everything and Edward hugs her and tells her that it’s gonna be alright. But then Charlie comes into the room to make sure no one is getting teen pregnant and they have to jump apart.

After a section break where the chapter could have ended if there was a god and not just a screaming void of nothingness, it’s the next day! Bella and Edward are driving to school. This book spends more time with teenagers in cars than an after prom-party.

Edward is driving and suddenly gets very tense.

“We were almost to school. Edward had been relaxed and joking just a moment ago, and now suddenly his hands were clenched tight on the steering wheel, his knuckles straining in an effort not to snap it into pieces.”

Funny how we don’t get to see the ‘relaxed and joking’ part of this. I can’t even imagine Edward making a joke but I expect it would be ghastly.

Edward cryptically asks Bella if she would do something if he asked her to without explanation.She AMAZINGLY says that it depends on what he was asking. Holy shit. I almost want to give her credit for that.

He tells her he wants her to stay in the car until he comes back to fetch her like the small child she is. Any guesses why the sudden false tension showed up? Yep, it’s Jacob. Congrats for guessing, you’re officially smarter than Bella.

Jacob is waiting for them in the school parking lot, leaning against his motorcycle. Oooh, bad boy alert. What does it say about this series that the vampire hero isn’t the ‘bad boy’ character but more of the ’40 year old surrogate mother’ character? (M: What everything about this series says: Strange things turn Stephenie Meyer on.) (C: Ewwww.)

Edward reads Jacob’s mind before they even get out of the car and tells Bella that Jake was looking for a safe place to talk to Edward. A place with witnesses. It really says that. That’s not a joke. These two fucks think a high school parking lot is the OK Corral, apparently.

Also LOL BELLA! You really thought that the two MEN MANLY MEN characters wanted to talk to you and that you could be involved in your own plot in anyway? LOL Stupid, women characters. Get back in the fictional kitchen.

We get a paragraph-long explanation about Jake here as Bellward walk toward him but since it’s not Edward that Bella is describing it’s not nearly as insufferable and eye-rolly. Basically: Jake is tall and muscled. Other students are impressed and wary.

K: I stop to have a moment of rage because OF COURSE the person of colour character looks super dangerous to the population of Forks while Edward Bloodsucker Cullen is the town dreamboat.

Catherine: Pay more attention to what you’re writing, Meyer. For the love of god!

Edward walks up to Jake and hides Bella behind his body because he’s uncomfortable having her this close to a werewolf’/love interest. Also because he thinks she’s a baby that will run into traffic? Because that’s the only thing I can think to justify this macho bullshit fuckery reaction.

So Edward and Jacob have a dick measuring contest and Bella speaks five words. Jacob came to warn Edward about staying on their side of the treaty line. Apparently, the night before Emmett crossed it. Maybe you wanna put up some traffic cones or something guys? Just so no one makes that mistake again. Just saying.

Also Paul gave Emmett a lil’ puppy nip with his milk teeth ’cause he crossed the line. Bella is shocked to hear this. Jacob is shocked that Edward didn’t tell Bella about it. I’m shocked that he thinks Edward tells her anything.

“I frowned in confusion. “What don’t I know? Edward?”

So, so much Bella—literally—like—we don’t remotely have that much—Okay. Moving on.

Edward ‘hisses’ at Jake:

“It was no-man’s land!”

And Jake replies with:

“Was not!”

So manly. Wow. I’m so turned on by these romantic heroes acting fighting over a girl like 12 year olds. Let me swoon.

Bella asks if Paul got hurt and Jacob ignores her (because HE LOVES HER GUYS but not enough to listen to her when she speaks) to ask Edward if he took her away for the weekend so that she wouldn’t hear about this.

“Leave now.” Edward cut him off mid-sentence, and his face was abruptly frightening—truly frightening. For a second, he looked like… like a vampire.”

Well, I mean, yeah? He is one. So… what was she expecting? “He looked like… like a werehedgehog.”

K: NGL, I’d rather read a book about a werehedgehog.

Annie: I’d rather read a book literally anything.

Mari: I would say that Edward is so normal Bella forgets but that’s absolutely not true. Bella stays telling us how marble like and cold he is. She’s dying to become a vampire. There is no part of the vampire-ness that is far away from Bella. I think what we just saw was a rare lucid moment in which Bella actually saw Edward for the killer he always is. Stay with us Bell-Bell. (K: It only took her like EIGHT HUNDRED DAMNED PAGES.)

Catherine: I wish.

Nearby a crowd of students has gathered because everyone thinks that Edward and Jacob are gonna fight. So, this was a great idea for a meeting place, guys. Not somewhere private where your supernatural secret had less of a chance of being unveiled to the world if you can’t control your raging testosterone long enough to have a conversation, no, no. High school parking lot. Yes. Good idea. Make more decisions.

A bunch of Bella’s friends are in the crowd as well. So we can add embarrassing her in front of the entire school to the list of romantic gestures that these two shitstains have heaped upon her.

Mike is in the crowd holding back Ben from stepping in. This seems like more ridiculous machismo until you remember that Ben is one of, like 2 boys in this book who doesn’t have a crush on Bella. He’s actually Angela’s boyfriend. So I’m gonna give him points and assume that he only wants to step in so no one gets hurt.

Anyway, Bella figures out that Victoria came back for her. Guys, look, it’s been a while since I’ve read these books but I read them A LOT in high school when I was obsessed with them, so it’s hard for me sometimes to remember what order things happen in and what happens in which book. But that’s not the only reason that I genuinely cannot keep up with every ~~miraculous revelation~~ that Bella has.

It’s that she seriously has one every 2 pages and then hyperventilates over it until some nearby boy hugs her.

“I heard the quick gasp, gasp, gasp, gasp of the air dragging through my lips, but I couldn’t stop it. It looked like the school was shaking, like there was an earthquake, but I knew it was my own trembling that caused the illusion.”

In case you thought I was over exaggerating about the hyperventilating thing. Here’s the passage where Bella has a panic attack about the thing we all assumed she knew already because OF COURSE Victoria is coming back for you, you chuckle fuck! Did she kill you last time? No? WELL THEN SHE PROBABLY STILL WANTS TO DO THAT.

Mari: The fact that this is book 3 and Meyer is still using “Victoria is coming to get you” as some sort of big! surprise! makes me want to gasp gasp die, or whatever. 

Seriously? We’re still here? HONESTLY? 

K: HOW DOES BELLA CONTINUE TO BE SURPRISED BY ALL THESE THINGS THAT SHOULD BE SUPER FUCKING OBVIOUS?? She clearly has the memory capacity of a floppy disc.

Annie: I think it’s fucking hilarious that Meyer has basically used the same ‘plot’ for basically the last three books. Like, even in New Moon, that was the threat, right? There was the whole Italy thing, but they kept bringing up the possibility of Victoria coming to get Bella. That she was kind of around. So. Props to Meyer for stretching out this super pathetic ‘plot’ for this long. 

Catherine: It’s butter over burnt toast at this point.

Anyway, that’s the BIG SECRET that Alice had a vision about and Edward wouldn’t tell her and yada, yada. And I get that it’s at least, something valid for her to be afraid of. But it was so glaringly obvious that it’s irritating to read her have a big revelation over it. Also because everyone in the entire thing was keeping this from her? Which is shit.

Mari: Like, not only keeping it from her but Edward got her out of the state. What did he think would happen when they got back???? Was he just going to keep on taking her on vacations whenever Bella tried to talk to him?

Catherine: Bella realizes that Victoria isn’t going to stop coming for her until she’s dead and then actually thinks:

“Maybe I’d get lucky. Maybe the Volturi would come for me first—they’d kill me quicker, at least.”

Okay? But you have an entire pack of wolves and an entire family thing of vampires who are literally missing sleep to constantly guard you. That’s like, 15-20 supernatural creatures against one vampire. Yeah, she’s fast but come on. This false tension worked better in New Moon when Bella didn’t realize that she had any protection at all. Then I believed she would have a real reason to be scared. In this situation? With the entire pacific coast supernatural association out to defend her? Not so much.

Mari: I want to gather the Pacific Coast Supernatural Association and suggest some new hobbies. Reading? Knitting? Underwater basket weaving? 

Catherine: Motorcycle club? Hang gliding? There are so many options.

Edward comforts Bella and actually gets mad at Jacob for telling her the thing that he, himself was lying to her about. You don’t really have a leg to stand on in this argument, Eddie. Jacob insists that Bella has a right to know that she’s in danger. Pay attention to this fight between them, because it makes up the entire rest of the series.

Then Edward and Jacob continue to talk about Bella like she’s not standing 3 inches from them.

““Do you really think hurting her is better than protecting her?” [Edward] murmured.
“She’s tougher than you think,” Jacob said, “And she’s been through worse.””

Jesus Christ. Get me out of this chapter.

Then Jacob pictures something that makes Edward wince. Bella doesn’t know what it is, but she orders him to stop. Edward says that the principal is on his way and he needs to take Bella to class so that she won’t be reprimanded. Cool, mom, thanks. Make sure you stop on the way to get her a juice box so she doesn’t get cranky before nap time. Jacob points out that Edward is overprotective and asks Bella if she’s ever allowed to have fun.

It’s interesting how Meyer changed Jacob’s entire personality between books in order to make him a foil for Edward, isn’t it? It’s almost like she’s shit at writing. I don’t remember him being the edgy bad boy when he was worried about Charlie yelling at Bella for spending too much time with him in New Moon. Or when he was worried about Bella riding on the motorcycles because she fell off and got a boo-boo.

Mari: Maybe this all happened around the same time his hands got too big to properly work a pen. Bear hands would probably make you feel like a bad boy too, Catherine.

K: Especially if you had to write letters that included all your false starts for everyone to see.

Catherine: True. I guess I’m just not being sympathetic enough to his giant-handed plight. I would feel bad if I couldn’t get one of those foam fingers at baseball games, too.

Anyway, Fake-ob tells her that if she ever wants to have some fun he still has her motorcycle in his garage. You remember, the one he told her dad about so that she wouldn’t ride it anymore because he was too worried about her? Yeah, that one.

Bella is surprised to hear this because if Charlie had had his way he would’ve thrown the bike into a Dumpster and set that Dumpster on fire. She capitalizes the word ‘Dumpster’ every time. I don’t think that’s right? Is it? It’s stuff like this that makes you feel like you’re slowly going insane while reading these books.

Jacob leaves but not before telling Bella that he was wrong about not being friends (yesterday? He changed his mind since yesterday?) and she should come visit him.

“I was vividly conscious of Edward, his arms still wrapped protectively around me, motionless as a stone. I shot a look at his face— it was calm, patient.”

Fucking swoon! He’s not flying into a rage because a guy wants to be friends with you? Let me fan myself before I faint.

Because her abusive boyfriend is being patient, Bella tells Jake that she can’t go see him. Jake get’s sad and says that he misses her. Bella thinks about how Jacob triggers her protective side and how she wishes she could reach out to him but Edward’s ‘protective’ arms are in her way.

“Edward’s shielding arms had become restraints.”

Finally, the principal appears and tells the crowd to disperse. The principal, Mr. Greene asks Edward if there’s a problem and Edward says there isn’t. Kissass.

Mr. Greene notices Jacob and says he doesn’t recognize him and Jacob bad-boys about how he doesn’t go there and gives him a mock salute before getting on his cool bad-boy motorcycle and speeding off. Mr. Greene warns Edward to tell his ‘friend’ to stay off campus and Edward says that Jacob isn’t his ‘friend’ but he’ll tell him. Then Mr. Greene changes attitude and tells Edward that if he’s worried about Jacob harassing him he should say something. And Edward tells him it’s nothing to worry about.

Mr. Greene dismisses Edward and Bella who HEY is still in this book? I guess? She hasn’t talked in 5 pages, but yeah. I guess she was being demure while the menfolk conversed.

Bellward go to English class and Bella thinks about how she wishes they could have some time alone so she could grill him about lying to her but passing notes back and forth in English will have to do.

Oh guys. You guys. Remember how we said a few chapters ago that this is the book where Meyer suddenly realized that she had more than one font choice on her computer? That curse comes into eye straining reality in this chapter. Edward and Bella pass notes to each other with Bella’s notes being in bolded, scratchy cursive and Edward’s in PERFECT CALLIGRAPHY. Of course. Get you a man who can do both, I guess.

He totally brings a fucking calligraphy pen to school and takes the time to dip it in ink or whatever before writing out his math notes. What a wang.

This is what this part looks like, in case you don’t believe me:

Mari: Damn. I didn’t think it was possible to hate Edward more… 

K: This actually makes me hate Bella more. At least the Edward font is legible.

Catherine: Everything about this is terrible. My eyes are bleeding.

Anyway, Bella asks Edward what happened and he replies (apparently very quickly but in ‘his own personal calligraphy’) that the vision Alice had a few days earlier was of Victoria coming back. Edward took Bella out of town as a precaution but he wasn’t really that worried (only worried enough to kidnap her across state lines). Emmett and Jasper almost had her but Victoria managed to escape by dodging back and forth over the Quileute boundary line like she knew about it. Edward thinks that Victoria’s special vampire power may be evasion. Which is the most categorically piece of shit power in the books. I mean, besides the guy in the last book who could sense relationships, of course. Both of these two must have been last in line on the day they handed out powers.

Mari: “No, trust us girl. This’ll be great in case you ever forget to pay your rent.” 

K: “You’ll never be called for jury duty again!”

Catherine: But back to the book, Emmett apparently got too close to the boundary line that night and Paul (the werewolf) got touchy. This freaked out Rosalie and Victoria got away because they were fighting amongst themselves. It’s a shit reason, yes, but still, I would rather have actually seen that play out then have to just read Edward telling Bella about it. At least that would’ve been mildly interesting.

Bella is upset to learn that everyone was keeping this secret from her. But not because they lied to her, no no, because they might have gotten hurt. Ugh. I would HOPE at that point that they got hurt. Assholes.

Also she still thinks the vampires would’ve won that fight even though she has never seen a vampire actually kill a wolf. But she has seen a wolf kill a vampire. Yet she still thinks that the vampires are genetically superior? What does this tell us, class?

Mari: 

K: A+ gif selection, Mari.

Catherine: A+ observation, too.

Bella writes a note asking if Victoria was after Charlie and Edward shakes his head. Bella points out that he can’t know that she wasn’t and then says that going to Florida was a bad idea. Edward writes back that he couldn’t have sent her alone because obvi the plane would’ve crashed since she’s so disaster prone.

Bella thinks that she didn’t mean it like that but gets distracted by him saying that she’s basically a plane crash and asks him WTF he would’ve done if their plane did crash. Edward has an answer for everything. He asks why the plane is crashing and she says that the pilots are drunk and passed out. Something tells me she’s flown American Airlines.

K: I flew American Airlines from Quito to Miami in 2008, and the crew spoke zero Spanish. One of the flight attendants just screamed “MUFFIN OR OMELETTE???” over and over again at half a plane of increasingly distressed Ecuadorians. So drunk, passed out pilots would not surprise me. 

Catherine: Edward says that he’d just fly the plane. Or glider, as it were, to his sex dungeon in Seattle. Oh! Shit, wait, wrong book. Sorry.

Mari: This is definitely the part EL read that got her panties so wet, she just knew she had to write some fan fic about a plane-flying, sex dungeon master Edward. I’m so sure. 

Catherine: I’m sure this was it. It’s the only thing that makes sense. We found E.L. James villain origin story, guys!

Bella ups the ante and says that both of the planes engines have exploded and it’s falling out of the sky. Edward says that he’d wait till they got close to the ground, grab her, kick out a wall and jump. Then after things settled down a bit they’d go back to the scene of the accident and act like they’d survived the crash and were the luckiest people on earth. Yes, this is a real conversation that happens in this book.

For her part, Bella is freaked out by this. I guess. She just says that she ‘stared at him wordlessly’ and that she was in awe. Which I’m just now realizing might mean that she’s impressed instead of weirded out.

Back on topic, she writes down that he will tell her next time. Underlining will and everything. Hold on to that assertiveness, Bella! Please? At least for a chapter or something? Edward stares at her for a creepy long time and then nods. She thanks him. There goes the assertiveness. (M: …like a plane crash.)

Before Bella can do anything else, though the teacher comes along and snatches the note out of her hand. Apparently he finally noticed, after what must have been a fifteen minute conversation, that they were having a fifteen minute conversation.

But Edward, of course, gets out of it because they happened to be writing on a paper that had his notes on the other side.

It’s really, really upsetting how he presents himself as a perfect little pupil and a nice young man to all the adults in this series. It’s textbook abuser.

There’s one more section break but luckily it’s a short one. It’s a bit later and Bella is in Calculus without Edward. How will she survive? She hears her friends, including Tyler, Mike and Ben, talking and their taking bets on who is gonna win the fight between Edward and Jacob.

Someone says that Jacob would win (‘My money’s on the big Indian‘. Which. Jesus.) (K: Too bad Mari already used the “THAT’S RACIST” gif…) and Mike agrees and seems excited that someone is finally gonna fuck Edward up. I hate Mike but that thought is exciting.

Ben, whom I FOUGHT FOR earlier goddammit, says that he disagrees and thinks Edward would win because he’s ‘confident.’ I’m revoking your points, Ben.

Then they talk about Edward’s brother’s potentially getting involved and Jacob’s friends being huge also and then they all place their bets. Another kid, Austin, asks what they think the fight was about and Mike says that he can guess and looks over at Bella. When they realize that she can hear them and is watching they all get awkies and look away quickly. But Mike mutters about how he’s still betting on Jacob.

End (FINALLY) of the chapter.

That was 27 pages (Yes, I counted) of description where Meyer revealed two things. 1. Edward and Bella took a trip to Florida and her mother thinks their relationship is a little weird and 2. Victoria is back and wants to kill Bella.

27 PAGES FOR TWO THINGS.

Mari: 1.5, I’d say. WE ALREADY KNEW VICTORIA WAS LURKING AND SCHEMING. 

C: EVERYTHING IS WORSE, GOOD DAY, FRIENDS.

 

Next time on New Moon: Bella sneaks past Momward to see Jacob in Chapter 04.