Previously: Jacob tries to explain why falling in love with a baby isn’t weird.
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Marines: Alice drops Bella off at her house the next day, since they are still pretending that they were having a sleep over to hide the fact that Bella’s half kidnapped, half not getting any. When Bella gets inside, Charlie right away lets her know that she’s got a message. Jacob called to say he was sorry and Charlie adds to give him a break because he sounded upset. He doesn’t add, “anything is better than Edward,” but it’s implied.
Bella is still upset at Jacob and doesn’t want to call him back. Instead, she decides to do some laundry and clean up a bit. In her room, she notices that she’s missing a pillow and that some of her clothes aren’t where she left them, specifically a red shirt.
Kirsti: Excuse you, Mari. She EXPLICITLY states that it’s a “red blouse.” I know because a) I’m looking at the page, and b) Past!Kirsti stuck a post-it to the page that says “WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD WEARS A *BLOUSE*???”.
Mari: I mean, the answer is pretty simple: Bella Swan.
Bella asks Charlie about her missing things, and he says he hasn’t been in her room at all. Bella suddenly remembers that Alice passed by (read: broke in) in order to pick up her pajamas for their pajama (read: kidnapping) party. Bella figures that Alice also picked up a bit while she was there, maybe to take the edge off the breaking and entering and also kidnapping.
Catherine: Yeah, I’m sure that was it, Bella. Alice cleaned your house. That makes perfect sense.
Mari: That red shirt blouse wasn’t actually dirty, so Bella goes to see if she can pull it out of the hamper. The blouse isn’t there, though. In fact, Bella feels like a lot of her clothes are missing. She checks in the laundry room, but nothing is there either. Bella keeps searching until the door bell rings. She answers it happily, knowing that since she’s been home for like 5 minutes, it must be Edward.
Sure enough. But Edward is all serious business. He does a speed check of the house and then pulls Bella inside, telling her that someone has been there. (K: Because we’re on page 200, so obviously the plot would finally arrive.) Bella starts to swear that no werewolves have been in her house, but Edward cuts her off because he smells vampire. It’s not Victoria either; it’s a scent Eddie doesn’t recognize. Bella guesses it’s one of the Volturi, and Edward thinks she’s right. The scent is fresh, meaning that someone was snooping around (…and cleaning Bella’s room?) while Charlie was still sleeping.
Charlie enters the kitchen to find out what all the murmuring is about. And then my new favorite thing happens:
“I felt green. A vampire had been in the house looking for me while Charlie slept. Panic overwhelmed me, closed my throat. I couldn’t answer, I just stared at him in horror.
Charlie’s expression changed. Abruptly, he was grinning. “If you two are having a fight… well, don’t let me interrupt.”
Still grinning, he put his bowl in the sink and sauntered out of the room.”
Keep the hope alive, Charlie! I know you’d be surprised to learn that all these two crazy kids do IS fight, and yet they are still together, but keep the hope alive.
Annie: I know I am. And I love whenever Bella tries to convince us she cares about something other than herself and her vampire boyfriend. It’s so cute.
Mari: Once Charlie is gone, Edward tells Bella they have to go. Bella reminds him that, hello, Charlie is in danger too, so Edward calls Emmett and talks to him in super vampire speedy code talk, or whatever. Emmett and Jasper are going to come over and protect Charlie.
Edward drags Bella out and they head over to Alice to see if she’s seen anything. She didn’t and Edward starts growling and hissing at her for it. Carlisle reminds Edward that Alice’s power is a contrivance, not an exact science. (Almost.) Edward yells at Alice some more so she snaps back that he’s already got her watching the Volturi, Victoria and Bella’s every move. She sarcastically asks if she’s supposed to be watching Bella’s room, or Charlie’s room or the whole house. If she didn’t have a vision, it means Bella wasn’t in danger. Plus, Alice doesn’t think it was the Volturi who did some breaking and organizing.
Catherine: Alice isn’t your ADT, Edward. Just use the creepy spy cameras we all know you have installed in Bella’s house.
Annie: And why does Edward feel that the rest of the world just exists to serve him? And why do they all keep doing so when he treats them all like garbage? He summons Jasper and Emmett like they’re personal security detail without concern for their time or safety and uses Alice’s ‘power’ for his own interests and yells at her when it isn’t working the way he wants it to. It’s ridiculous.
K: BECAUSE EDWARD’S THE HERO OF THE STORY. Why else do secondary characters exist but to do his bidding?? Ugh.
Mari: These are just real good writing things.
Edward keeps being a dick about this until he gazes into Bella’s loving eyes or some shit. IDK. As soon as Edward calms the hell down, everyone else in the room relaxes. If every supernatural being in this room is on edge because you are angry? Um,
The Cullen-Hales start trying to reason out who could’ve possibly broken into the house and left Charlie totally safe. It’s actually really boring watching this bunch trying to use their brains so I’ll skip most of it. Emmett and Jasper join them, having lost the vampire trail after it went south. Edward sighs because it would’ve been cool if the vampire had gone East into werewolf lands, except he calls them dogs so we can have a “probably racism” shot.
K: Alcohol: getting the Snark Ladies through the Twilight series one shot at a time.
Mari: Esme says that maybe whoever broke and cleaned was just curious about Bella since she’s a human covered in vampire scent. Everyone is like, “really girl?” but Esme says it could happen.
Bella is also tired of this bunch trying to use their brains. The point to her is that they shouldn’t wait to turn her. Carlisle tells her to think of how much it would hurt Charlie if she disappeared, but Bella says she is thinking of Charlie. He’s got a big target on his back. Everyone poo-poos her worries and tells her everything will be fine. Aaaaaallll fiiiiiine.
Bella spends the ride home being still pissed she’s still human. Edward “comforts” her by saying that she’ll be under constant supervision and Bella “jokes” that the Cullen-Hales are going to get so bored, they are going to kill her themselves.
Catherine: Isn’t that what she wants, though?
Annie: It’s absolutely what she wants. This girl has had a death wish since day one, and yet here we are. People still risking their lives over her when all she wants is to be murder-faced so she can spend all eternity as Edward’s girlfriend. Just as long as it’s not his wife, because that is too much of a commitment. Why can’t they just put her (and all of us) out of her misery and do it already? This series could’ve been a single book and wouldn’t that have been much, much better?
Mari: All the sane people say, “yes.”
At home, Charlie picks a strategic moment to bring up Jacob again, this time in front of Edward. Bella snaps at Charlie, but his strategy kind of works. Bella doesn’t want to die with Jacob mad at her. She does casually decide, though, that she probably isn’t going to die tonight so Jacob gets to stew in his guilt until morning.
Edward “leaves” but then shows up in Bella’s room, where he sings her to sleep.
K: I stop to get irrationally angry because Bella tells us that she was “aware even in unconsciousness that he was there.” 1. THAT’S NOT A THING. 2. SLEEP AND UNCONSCIOUSNESS ARE VERY DIFFERENT THINGS, STEPH.
Mari: The next day, Charlie has gone fishing so Bella decides to give Jacob a call. Jake apologizes to her, realizing that he said a stupid thing in his anger. Bella forgives him. Jacob invites her down to La Push so that he can make it up to her, but it’s a little awkward because Edward is standing right. there. Bella says that she can’t go, but not because Edward is right. there., but because bad things are happening. Jacob wants details, so Bella looks at Edward for permission to speak. Permission is not granted, and instead, Edward wants to speak to Jacob directly.
We only hear Edward’s side of the phone conversation. It’s stupid.
Catherine: Everything about this is stupid and the worst.
Annie: Stupid and the worse and also another clear sign that Edward is an abusive asshole, because Bella has to ask him permission before she can tell her friend things. Wheeee.
K: Everything about this relationship was creepy as fuck to start with. But this book has turned the Christian Grey tendencies up to 11,000. The apple didn’t fall far from the douchebag tree where E.L. James’ version of this character is concerned.
Mari: Edward gives the phone back to Bella and she asks Jake WTF just happened. He explains that he was trying to convince Edward that the safest place for Bella is on the reservation. And for Charlie too. Plus, Jacob is going to suggest some redrawing of the boundary lines so they can try to catch the vampires on the loose. Jake tells her that he’ll be over soon to do some (literal) sniffing around. Bella doesn’t like the idea of Jacob tracking things and we end with Jacob laughing at her.
A mercifully short chapter after toddler imprinting and it seems like something is going on, though of course, it’s just more vampires inexplicably interested in Bella.
Wooo.
Next time on Eclipse: Jacob comes to visit without a shirt on in Chapter 10.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.