Previously: Rosalie Hale’s backstory of tragic badassery. Also, Jacob realised he could break Bella out of Cullen Jail.
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Kirsti: Bella and Jacob end up on the beach again, and he asks if she thinks the Cullens will come get her. She says they won’t, but that they’ll be hella pissed when she goes back. He suggests not going back, and her only response is that Charlie would love that because he’s biased towards “my Quileute friends“. Uh. You mean Jacob? The rest tolerate you because of him, girl.
Annie: Actually, Charlie is biased towards anyone who isn’t the controlling, abusive, blood-thirsty boyfriend, but you tell yourself whatever makes you happier to stay in that relationship, Bells.
Marines: And doesn’t she just.
K: To a ridiculous extent.
She changes the subject to ask what the latest pack scandal is, and Jacob’s all “Whaaaaa??? HOW DID YOU KNOW?” The gossip is that Quil imprinted on someone, and they’re freaking out that it’s more common than the stories would indicate. Bella doesn’t understand why that’s such a big scandal, and Jacob says that Quil imprinted on Emily’s niece.
Bella’s all “So? Surely Emily’s thrilled about having another family member in a relationship that may end in facial scars??” Jacob’s response is “Emily doesn’t mind that part, it’s just, well, a little early.” I stop for a vomit break when he explains that Quil has imprinted ON A MOTHERFUCKING TWO YEAR OLD. Jacob’s all ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and says that Quil will just have to “be patient for a few decades.”
Annie: I’m sorry, but what part of Stephenie thought that this would be a good plot idea? That grown-ass men would ‘imprint’ on toddlers? No, please, no, no, no. I can’t take enough showers to wash the yuck of this off me. Just add this to the long list of problematic themes in this series.
Mari: So, the entire idea of a hundred year old 17-year-old and an actual 17-year-old has it’s icky level, you know? I know time and age get all weird when you are dealing with vampires, but it’s strange to pair someone who is (or was until recently) underaged with someone with 100 years of worldly experiences. Then, in her attempt to make sure the werewolves are always worse, Stephenie ups her own creep game and makes the wolves fall in love with babies.
WTF.
Catherine: I’m just amazed that she thought this was romantic. How much oxygen is she getting to her brain? Should we check on her?
K: Literally nothing about this is okay. Why didn’t one of her CPs or beta readers or HER EDITOR tell her that this was super fucked up and she probably shouldn’t include it?
Bella tells us that she’s trying not to be judgmental but she’s really really grossed out. Girl, you and me both. There is LITERALLY NONE OF THIS THAT IS OKAY. Jacob insists that it’s totally not gross at all, because it’s not like falling in love. (A: THAT STILL DOESN’T MAKE IT OKAY.) It’s like finding the person who anchors you to the planet. (M: Um, a spirit anchor is supposed to be better?) And besides, Quil will be whatever this freaking toddler needs him to be, “whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother.” Yeah, maybe don’t mention the word “lover” when you’re talking about a two year old, Steph.
Jacob goes into more detail, saying that Quil will be the bestest big brother of ever while she’s teeny. Then when she needs a BFF, he’ll be that too. And then eventually, when she’s legal, they can bang be together. (C: So I mean, he’s grooming her? That’s what that is.) (K: YUP.) Bella, in the first smart thing she’s said in the past 176 pages, says “Doesn’t Claire get a choice here?” Apparently she totally does, but why the hell would she pick someone else when Quil will be her perfect match? Uh. Maybe because it’s super fucking creepy to end up in a relationship with one of your aunt’s friends who was basically your big brother?? Goddammit, this is like fucking Crimson Peak all over again.
Mari: Also, it reads very, “why will Claire pick someone else WHEN QUIL IS LITERALLY FOLLOWING HER AROUND FOR ALL HER LIFE?”
K: Everybody loves a stalker, Mari.
Bella asks Jacob when he thinks he’ll imprint on someone, and he insists that it’s never ever ever going to happen because he’s too infatuated with Bella and the whole pack knows it every time they’re in wolf form. Bella awkwards (legit) and says that she should probably go home. Jacob begs her to stay and they spend the afternoon riding their motorbikes.
They hang out in the garage later, and Bella is “surprised to realize how many things I missed from my own personal dark ages.” HER OWN PERSONAL DARK AGES. That is the most melodramatic shit I’ve ever heard. They apologise for their mutual shittiness in recent months, then Jacob asks if Bella was serious when she said it’d be none of his business of Edward bit her. She’s all “Uh, yeah?”
He asks if she knows what will happen if the treaty is broken, and she insists that they’ll leave town first. He snaps that the treaty has no geographic limits and that if he turns her, it’ll be time for a Cullen Murder Party. She insists that it doesn’t have to be that way, he insists that it does. Then he sighs and says that at least they have a few years left before they have to cross that bridge.
Catherine: Wtf? The treaty absolutely does have limits, Jacob. That’s why there’s a boundary line. What are you gonna do, chase them to Alaska or wherever to kidnap Bella away from her kidnappers? I swear to god, this whole series is just Wimbledon but Bella is the ball.
K: Pretty much. Only less interesting. And with more descriptions of eye colour.
Bella, in all her infinite wisdom, is all “Uh, no. Weeks, tops.” Jacob freaks and basically wolfs out. But he gets control of himself because the plot demands it. He’s furious and grossed out and “His face turned green under the russet skin.” Surely that warrants racism shots?
Annie: Absolutely, make mine a double. Maybe it’ll also help wash away the creepiness from earlier in the chapter, too.
Mari: Alcohol can do a lot, but IDK about that.
K: We’ve finally found the limits of alcohol’s powers. Perhaps it’s time to dig out the brain bleach left over from season 4 of Angel…
Bella insists that it’s 100% necessary for her to be turned because Edward’s seventeen and she gets closer to nineteen every damned day. GIRL. SLOW YOUR FUCKING ROLL. EDWARD IS A HUNDRED AND NINE. And then she says there’s no point in waiting because Edward’s all she ever wants in life and what else would she do? Jacob snaps that she could do, oh I don’t know, ANYTHING EVER. Bella gets pissy and storms off.
She rides her motorbike back to the Cullens, and agrees to stay because it’ll make things easier for Alice. Ugh. She wakes up in the middle of the night to find that Edward’s back and has moved her from the sofa to his giant creepy bed. She decides that she doesn’t care that she’s mad with him because they’re in bed together and that means reunion closed mouth kissing. Gross.
He yanks her leg up over his hip and takes advantage of her inability to breathe to talk about why she doesn’t like the giant creepy bed. She declares it to be unnecessary, and he rolls over and says that he couldn’t lie on top of her on a sofa. Bella struggles to breathe some more because OMG THE SPARKLE PEEN IS SO CLOSE TO HER LADY GARDEN, but manages to ask if he’s changed his mind about doing more than kissing with closed mouths.
He rolls off her and says “Don’t be ridiculous, Bella.” Just what every girl wants to hear from her boyfriend! And then – as if it’s not bad enough that I have to deal with toddler imprinting – I get to recap Edward explaining why they can’t have sex. Hold on one second.
Okay. Let’s do this shit.
He says it’s too dangerous, she says she’s going to spontaneously combust soon if something doesn’t change, and Jesus Christ, just fingerbang her already, Edward. Squeeze a boob. Buy her a dildo made of marble. SOMETHING so that I don’t have to recap any more conversations about how horny Bella is. (M: A+) (C: If he can’t figure out how to get you off he’s not gonna be very good in bed anyway, Bella.)
Thankfully, Edward changes the subject to remind her that she’s mad at him. He says having Alice hold her hostage was a bad idea, but proximity to the Sparkle Peen has changed Bella’s mind and she’s suddenly totally okay with being held hostage if it means slumber parties with Edward.
Annie: Wait. So is Bella saying that she’s totally okay being held captive, so long as she’s kept as a sex companion? Cool. Just wanted to check.
Mari: Fifty Shades, basically.
Catherine: God help us.
K: What happened to that booze? More is required.
She asks if he’s mad at her for running off to La Push, and he insists that he’s not. He’s going to try and be the bigger person and get over his prejudice towards people of colour werewolves and trust her judgment. He asks when she’s going back to La Push next, and she says she’s not on account of Jacob saying he’d rather she were dead. Edward says he’s happy to kill Jacob for making her sad, and she laughs that it’s a good thing he has such awesome self control.
Bella changes the subject, mentioning Rosalie. Edward tenses, but it turns out she doesn’t want to talk about why Rosalie thinks she should stay human. No, she wants to talk about the fact that Rosalie mentioned there are other lady vampires in Denali, and surely one or more of them wanted to bang him?
Mari: THIS IS WHAT SHE GOT OUT OF ROSALIE’S STORY OF GANG RAPE AND MURDER.
I hate her so much.
Catherine: If THAT was your takeaway, Bella, Rosalie wasted her damn time.
K: SERIOUSLY.
He smirks that yes, Tanya was totally DTF and totally smoking hot by human standards. But that it’s totally fine because Tanya’s a strawberry blonde and he prefers brunettes. (C: Oh, okay so EL James didn’t actually make up ANYTHING?) Then he whispers that “You’re quite adorable when you’re jealous. It’s surprisingly enjoyable.” Bella glares, he assures her that she’s his “only love” and hums her lullaby until she falls asleep. And of course, whenever Bella falls asleep, a chapter ends.
Mari: Just to recap: Edward started kissing Bella a lot because he wanted to basically convince her that the gift he bought her, a bed, was awesome. Not only is he using sexual advances to manipulate her, he’s doing it for a dumb ass fucking reason like, “please like the bed I bought you.”
HOKAY.
Next time on Eclipse: The plot temporarily shows up in Chapter 9.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.