Previously: Edward and Jacob teamed up to kidnap Bella or something. IDEK and I read it yesterday.
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Kirsti: I skipped ahead to see what happens in this chapter and I only have one thing to say: WHY ME? WHY DO I KEEP BEING PUNISHED BY THE CHAPTER GODS?
Just hang on while I mentally prepare myself, you guys.
Marines: Kirsti. GET IT TOGETHER. We are ALL being punished by the chapter gods.
Catherine: This book is like Russian Roulette but the gun is fully loaded.
K: Pretty much exactly.
Okay. Moving on.
Bella tells us that she’s found ways to keep basically everyone safe – Billy’s taken Charlie fishing, and she gave the concert tickets to Angela, Ben, and Mike, who’s invited Jessica to go with them. SORRY, LAUREN. NO ONE CARES IF YOU DIE.
Mari: I’m surprised they didn’t just throw her in front of the baby vamps straight out.
Annie: They could’ve dressed her up like Bella and then rubbed Bella all over her to get her Bella-stench on her and used her as bait! Missed opportunity.
K: Shame. This book would have been over so much faster.
Bella tells us that Edward asked her to relax and she’s going to do exactly that. You know, after she spends a page and a half telling us that she’s finally ready to die and play an active part in the next inter-vampire war. She also tells us that she’s READY. She doesn’t expand on that, but the strong implication is “I’mma fuck him.” Ugh.
Catherine: Ew! No! Why is this happening?
K: My thoughts on this entire book summed up in six words.
They drive to Edward’s house and he carries her into the house like a fucking child, but kissing her at the same time for maximum gross out factor. Bella, obviously, gets so swoony she forgets to breathe. “This kissing did not frighten me,” she tells us. WELL THAT’S GOOD. Making out with your boyfriend shouldn’t be scary, just FYI.
Annie: Glad their relationship is so abusive that we’ve come to the point that Bella has to tell us when he’s not scaring her.
K: IKR??
When they’re done kissing, he says he’s got something for her – a hand-me-down. And it’s up in his room. Where they should go immediately so that he can give her this present. Is it your dick, Edward? Because it’s reading a lot like it’s your dick.
Mari: It’s actually a little sad how much Bella is projecting her desire for that dick. She’s mentally preparing herself and getting excited and Edward is basically laughing at her.
K: YUP. Poor Bella. So thirsty. But stuck with a boyfriend who wants to leave room for Jesus.
When Bella agrees to go upstairs, he decides that human speed isn’t enough and vamp-runs her up the stairs. The hand-me-down turns out to be something to add to the bracelet where she’s put Jacob’s carved wolf – “a brilliant heart-shaped crystal” that was his mother’s. He then refers to it as a bauble and claims it’s totally not a big deal. Uh huh. He tells her that he thought it was a good representation of him because “It’s hard and cold.” #TWSS. Also it sparkles in sunlight. (M: #TWNOONESAYS.)
Catherine: Fun fact: I was recently going through some of my old high school stuff in order to burn it donate it and I found a replica of this very bracelet. Only the ‘crystal’ and the little racist wolf are plastic. So, either Edward really cheaped out or Claire’s did, guys. And Claire’s has always been good to me before.
K: AMAZING.
Bella informs him that the most important comparison is that both he and the sparkly heart are both beautiful. Vom. She cuddles into his side, which “probably felt similar to snuggling with Michelangelo’s David,” (M: UM….) (C: …But…?) and tells him she wants to discuss something related to how well they came to a compromise the other day.
What she wants to compromise on is marriage. Except that it’s not so much compromise as her wanting to get laid before she gets turned into a vampire. She’s worried that she’ll be so bloodthirsty that all her thirst for his marble dick will disappear. One second, guys.
Okay, I’m back. More accurately, she says she wants him and he smiles obliviously as he says he’s all hers. (M: Edward, how the hell are you 100 years old.) She kisses him and starts to undo her shirt, and Edward finally joins the dots and puts a stop to her attempt at sexy times.
Mari: To be clear, this means that he restrains her hands and puts a hand over her mouth to shut her up. Does anyone else see some ELJ inspiration? I can mostly tell because this is 1000% unsexy.
Annie: That and there is absolutely no way that Meyer wants to romanticize sex before marriage, because reasons. Mental illness, depression, suicide, controlling boyfriends, abusive relationships? Super romantic. But definitely not sex before marriage. Gross.
Catherine: Bella must stay “pure”! Khaki Skirt, she needs you!
K: You’re slacking off, Khaki Skirt. Get your shit together.
Bella fights the urge to cry and run away, and Edward’s shocked to learn that he hurt her feelings. He insists that he has to say no but he totally wants to boink too.
They return to the subject of marriage. Bella says she’ll only get married if they can fuck. And we’re treated to this gem: “It’s not possible now. Later, when you’re less breakable.”
Bella insists that it won’t be the same when she’s less breakable, and that when she’s a vampire all she’ll want is blood and not cock. Except then she says “I will always be thirsty, more than anything else” and I cackle with laughter, because TRUTH. No one is as thirsty as Bella Effing Swan. (M: See: Current sex negotiations.)
She goes on to say that right now? She wants to have sex with him more than she wants “food or water or oxygen.” Girl. No. (C: Definition of thirsty af.) Edward says that he could kill her with his sparkle peen, and provides a demonstration in the form of ripping one of the iron roses off the bed frame and crumpling it into a ball. Uh. If you have sex like that, you will ONE HUNDRED PERCENT kill her. Also, please don’t have sex with anyone ever…
Mari: Stephenie Meyer. What has happened to you in your life?
…or not happened?
Annie: She did have to thank her husband for his willingness to eat out. THANKS, PANCHO.
K: #neverforget
Bella insists that while he’s physically capable of fucking her to death, he totally won’t because he could never hurt her. Right, except for that time when he threw you across a room. Or the time when he left town and you were basically catatonic for months. But whatever.
She literally begs him to at least try. If he just tries, she’ll marry him and let him pay for Dartmouth and buy her a fancy car. He replies with “Do you have any idea how painful it is, trying to refuse you when you plead with me this way?” Translation? “It’s your fault if I hurt you”, right?? (A: Absolutely.)
They go back to kissing, and Bella’s the one who has to pull away because she actually needs to breathe for a change. She unbuttons his shirt and starts unbuttoning hers, but Edward stops her and insists that they can only have sex if they get married first so that the Baby Jesus doesn’t cry or some shit. IDEK, you guys. Everything about this chapter is grossing me out and I want it to be over now.
Mari: I’m sorry for what I said earlier. You are right. The chapter gods hate you.
K: Thank you.
Sadly, it’s not over yet. Edward basically kisses her into agreeing, Bella grumbles that she doesn’t want to be engaged, Edward grins like the psychotic lunatic he is, and Bella admits that she’s a little bit happy, but only about the impending sex and not the getting married part because ew. Edward laughs that traditionally, he should be the sex fiend and she should be the one wanting to get married and ugh I just hate him so much.
Annie: Women aren’t allowed to have an interest in sex? Traditionally? You mean sexistly, Edward. Thanks for playing.
Catherine: Shut the fuck up, Edward.
K: Always and forever.
Bella promises that she’ll marry him but doesn’t see why they can’t get straight to the fucking, given that there’s a nice bed right there and all. He eventually admits that he’s trying to – and I’m not even kidding – protect her virtue. Why? Because he’s pretty sure he doesn’t have a soul and can’t get into Heaven, but he’s going to obey the human rules just in case Bella can. Ugh, God, this is all so vile and controlling and kind of slut shame-y? Like, “Silly Bella, girls don’t like sex, stop asking for it.”
Catherine: It’s is 100% slut shame-y. The idea of your virginity being your ‘virtue’ is a BIG theme in these books and it gets glossed over a lot because Edward is a jillion years old so of course he’d have old fashioned ideas about sex. But fuck that. It’s Meyer. MEYER feels that losing your virginity before marriage is basically like taking a huge dump on your own soul. MEYER told millions of young girls that they have to keep their legs closed otherwise Edward won’t want them and they won’t deserve true love. She’s said in interviews that she wanted them to wait till marriage to fuck because that’s what she believes in, and that’s fine. But don’t bring all this ‘virtue’ crap into it, Meyer. That’s a shitty message and your book is garbage.
K: Literal garbage. When I left Canberra, I threw all my Twilight books in the dumpster. It was very therapeutic.
He then provides a two page explanation of why he’s going to insist on protecting her virtue, but there isn’t enough alcohol in the world, so I’m skipping it. It ends with her saying that she thinks this is an ulterior motive to have them married as soon as possible and he replies “it’s true, your impatient human hormones are my most powerful ally at this point.” Gross.
Mari: The weirdest part to me was when Edward was like, “if I have sex with you now, I don’t have any guarantee that you’ll marry me later.” WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? IF THIS IS THE CASE, MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULDN’T BE GETTING MARRIED???
Plus, I hate it because it has that whole “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” kind of vibe to it because OF COURSE.
Annie: It’s cute that Bella is desperate for the sparkle peen, and is totally cool to be turned into an immortal blood-sucking monster, but is all ‘no, gross’ to marrying Edward. Girl. GIRL. If this isn’t the biggest fucking red flag, then I don’t know what is. Sort yourself out, Bella.
K: PREACH.
Bella freaks when she thinks about what her parents and “friends” will say. He suggests that they go to Vegas and get married at a drive through chapel. Bella grumbles some more. He asks if she wants to see her ring, and she’s all “NO!!” He looks like a kicked puppy and she relents. He grabs a little black box from his bedside table and hands it to her. Bella hopes he didn’t spend a lot of money, and LOL NOPE it’s a hand-me-down too: his mother’s engagement ring. I… am suddenly asking myself how he got his mother’s engagement ring when he became a vampire before she died. No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.
Catherine: A shovel? Also, raise your hand if this is the kind of engagement you would gently try to talk your friend out of.
K: Oh, God, yes. (I’ve definitely bitten my tongue in the past where other people’s engagements are concerned. It… did not end well.)
Bella opens the box and gives us a paragraph long description of the ring. It’s an opal surrounded by diamonds with a gold band. Boom. One sentence. She surprises herself by finding the ring pretty, and Edward asks her to try it on. She grumbles some more because this chapter is all about Bella grumbling, and he slides it onto her finger. “It wasn’t quite as awful as I’d feared, having it there.” Yes, this is clearly a girl who wants to get married.
Edward gets super swoony over Bella wearing the ring: “He was glowing – his angel’s face brilliant with joy and victory. He was so glorious that it knocked me breathless.” He kisses her and then gets down on one knee, because “I want to do this right“. He proposes, she says yes, he thanks her, and kisses her fingertips and then her engagement ring. Which, I’m not gonna lie, is a really fucking weird reaction to a proposal.
And with that, this chapter from Hell is finally over. PRAISE ALL THINGS HOLY. Excuse me while I apologise to my liver for the treatment I just put it through…
Next time on Eclipse: I’m not sure but Bella still doesn’t get any for sure in Chapter 21.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.