Previously: Sex is of the devil.
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Marines: Bella wakes up and describes what the sky is doing, and I’m telling you just in case you maybe forgot that is a thing Meyer does in 90% of her chapters. Edward leaves Bella alone so she can get dressed and she tells us that she’s thankful for this moment to think. I guess the down side of having your boyfriend around every waking moment and, hey, also around watching you sleep is that you feel like you never have a chance to think.
Annie: Edward doesn’t want to give her time to think because that would give Bella the opportunity to realize how toxic and awful their relationship is, and she might try to leave the relationship. And abusive partners hate when that happens.
Kirsti: She appreciates the time to think because “my plan for last night had gone horribly awry“. No shit, Bella. You went in for sex and you came out engaged. And you still didn’t get laid.
Catherine: That’s about the worst it could’ve gone, Bella!
Mari: Bella says that even though she gave back the engagement ring, her hand feels heavy like it’s still there. She tries to tell herself that getting married is no big deal. They’ll just road trip to Vegas and she’ll wear old sweats. Are you dying over the romance? They can have a 15 minute ceremony and that would be that. Then, Edward would have to “hold up his end of the bargain.” In case you forgot (probably not), this means SEX. I don’t want to break it to Bella that after decades of no sex, Edward probably won’t last longer than that wedding ceremony.
Also, let us all take a moment to get the annoyance out over the fact that Bella is trying to plan the shortest least intrusive wedding ever just because she wants to have sex.
Catherine: Also feels weirdly like she’s trying to trick Edward into sex. Like she’s only marrying him for the sex. It sure the fuck reads like that anyway.
Mari: Probably because that’s exactly what’s happening.
There’s also an awkward line in here about how she didn’t think about Alice while thinking about having sex with Edward. It’s stupid because 1- what? and 2- Bella doesn’t know what’s going to happen next and 3- this story is told in the present tense.
BUT LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS. I WONDER IF IT’LL HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH ALICE:
The Cullen-Hales get back home and Alice is in a pissy mood. She keeps saying things to Edward in italics, and I don’t know why. She tells him to take a jacket, even though she can’t exactly tell where he’ll end up, because he’ll be traveling with a dog. Bella is worried about Alice’s bad mood, but whatever is bothering Alice, it’s making Edward smile. Because he’s a dick.
“Edward had more than enough camping gear to choose from– props in the human charade; the Cullens were good customers at the Newton’s store.”
Wuuuuh?
I mean, apart from the fact that I hate the punctuation choice in all of that, wuuuuh? The Cullens regularly shop at the outdoor store just to put the crap away and not use it??? WHY? Who is thinking, “know what? Those Cullens are weird. They never buy camping gear”? Do they schedule calendar reminders for quarterly trips to the store? Finally: WTF.
K: SERIOUSLY. It’s more likely that everyone in town is being all “….why did the Cullens just buy another tent? They bought three last month. And who needs eighteen sets of crampons?!”
Mari: 1000% more likely.
Edward packs a backpack (thrilling!) and when Alice wanders back over to make GRR MAD faces, Edward gives Baby Bella his phone and tells her to go call Jacob. Jacob isn’t home, but Billy promises to pass a message along. Billy also promises to take care of Charlie and laments the fact that he’s old and won’t be out there fighting.
“The urge to fight might be a defining characteristic of the Y chromosome. They were all the same.”
Billy wishes them all luck.
Once Bella is off the phone, she realizes that Alice and Edward were having a silent conversation, complete with mind reading, growling and scowls. Alice says she needs to talk to Bella and Dadward doesn’t want her to. He says Alice is about to make his life more difficult than it needs to be. Alice insists that this isn’t about Edward (he laughs at that because dick). It’s a female thing.
Bella is curious. Edward tells her that she asked for it and walks away while laughing at her.
Alice is super sad and starts off by asking if Bella loves her. Bella says of course she does and Alice is like, “but I had a vision of you going to Vegas to get married and you didn’t invite me.”
Let’s just remind everyone that an army of baby vampires is crawling toward them full speed ahead and Alice was just literally throwing a tantrum and it turns out to be because she doesn’t have a Vegas wedding invite. Bella is like, “omg, shut up, fine, you can come to my stupid sweat pants wedding,” but that isn’t enough for Alice.
“How much do you love me, Bella?”
“Why?”
She stared at me with pleading eyes, her long black eyebrows slanting up in the middle and pulling together, her lips trembling at the corners. It was a heartbreaking expression.
“Please, please, please,” she whispered. “Please, Bella, please– if you really love me… Please let me do your wedding.”
I hope the baby vampires eat you all.
K: SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.
Catherine: +1000. WHERE IS THE PLOT WHEN WILL IT GET HERE?
Mari: Alice begs, saying that if Bella loves her, she’ll let her plan the wedding BELLA DOESN’T EVEN WANT. Bella gives up the argument and Alice takes that as a yes. (C: In the Cullen household no means yes. Blurred Lines.)
Bella is so angry she’s crying and Alice is like dancing in the corner, totally oblivious and sure that Bella will thank her one day. Alice asks to see the ring and there’s some confusion over the fact that Bella isn’t wearing it, but Alice saw it in her vision. She says it doesn’t matter because Edward already has one on her. Edward shuts her up and Bella is just like, “huh?”
K: You left out my favourite part, Mari: “I threw my arms around him instead, hiding my face, just in case the angry moisture in my eyes made it look like I was crying.” Damn that angry eye moisture. (WTF?!?!)
Catherine: But… that is crying, Bella. That’s crying. Alice is dancing like a leprechaun while she is crying like in my St. Patrick’s Day drunk dreams.
Mari: I think maybe I just laughed for like 10 minutes about “angry moisture” and then forgot to write about it. Whoops!
They finally remember that they have to get going to encounter the baby vampire army. Alice mentions again how unseasonably cold it is, but Dadward already has Bella’s jacket.
They head out and Edward carries Bella all over the forest to scatter her scent. Bella hilariously clarifies that Edward is carrying her in his arms and an actual backpack is on his back, “in her usual spot.” They reach the end of a clearing and it’s time for Bella to wander around alone now. Edward points her in the right direction and walks with her for a bit as we are reminded that it is unseasonable cold for June. Bella has an idea and scatters some of her loose hair, but Edward tells her not to worry about pulling out her hair in order to defeat the baby vamps.
K: No one wants a bald bride, Bella. GOD.
Mari: As they walk, Edward tells her that she doesn’t have to go along with Alice’s plan. Bella doesn’t want to tell Edward that no wedding plan are wedding plans she wants. He suggests compromising by letting Alice plan something small and having Emmett marry them. Bella says she wouldn’t be able to take Emmett seriously, which makes it the best plan because she hates her own wedding.
Bella trips over her plot convenient clumsiness and injures her hand. She makes a big deal about telling Edward to stay away so the blood “won’t make him uncomfortable.” It’s really uncomfortable when the strong desire to murder your girlfriend bubbles up, you know? Edward insists he’s not uncomfortable and also he brought a first aid kit. Bella has a better idea: she starts spreading her blood all over the forest.
Catherine: Hey, remember when Bella fainted at the sight of blood? What happened to that? That phobia doesn’t go away. I know because I’ve had it for 25 years and everything. I guess I should’ve gotten a vampire bf to cure me?
Mari: The entire point of this book is that you should get a vampire bf to cure you.
Edward stops her pretty quickly because getting forest in your cut is not a good thing. He treats the cut and is totally chill about it, because he says he’s over his violent reactions to Bella’s blood smell. She asks him when this happened and he explains that while she still smells like a meal to him, thinking she was dead for a hot second in New Moon made him realize that killing her would make him sad…? IDK guys, that’s what I’m getting from this:
“Did it change the way I smell to you?”
“Not at all. But… having experienced the way it feels to think I’ve lost you… my reactions have changed. My entire being shies away from any course that could inspire that kind of pain again.”
Get you a man who would be sad if he murdered you, ladies!
K: I know I’m weak at the knees over that.
Catherine: Even reading this is making me lightheaded! Oh, no wait, that’s the blood again.
Mari: Anyway, Bella’s all patched up and she’s got her middle-of-June jacket on, so they are set to meet Jacob. Jacob slinks out behind a tree at that exact moment and Bella is shocked for some reason to see him as a human. Edward explains where Jacob should take Bella and then leaves. As soon as he’s gone, Jacob relaxes and starts joking about how more vampires are trying to kill Bella so it’s a normal day.
It’s Jacob’s turn to pick Bella up like a baby and run through the forest with her. They talk about the weird cold weather AGAIN and Jacob adds the observation that there are no other animals in the forest. (K: Maybe because the fucking forest is full of vampires and werewolves?? JUST A THOUGHT, JACOB.) Jacob notices the addition to the bracelet he gave her and snarks that it figures it would be a rock. This triggers Bella’s memory back to five minutes ago when Alice was talking about diamonds and how “Edward already has one on her.” She wonder if the “crystal” he gave her could really be a diamond. What the shit does Edward get out of giving Bella a sneaky diamond? It’s like he has to put it on her by any means necessary to decorate her…?
Catherine: It’s exactly like that. And she’s an idiot for not realizing that was a diamond. It was VERY obvious that it was a real fucking diamond, Bella. What are you some kind of poor person?
Mari: It would explain the smelliness.
Talk turns to the fact that Bella hasn’t been back to La Push since Jacob assaulted her. He makes “jokes” about how she’s supposed to be forgiving. I don’t know, there’s more BS like this for a page or something and then Jacob gets glum as he asks if Edward is a better kisser than he is. Bella is like, “I don’t know. I’ve only ever kissed Edward before.” Jacob says they’ve kissed too and Bella shuts him down by saying she considers that more of an assault. Accurate and beautiful. Shh. Let’s just enjoy this half second of sanity.
K: The sole moment in this 600 page nightmare.
Mari: After a moment of quiet, Jacob tells Bella it’s pretty stupid to only kiss one person and then call it quits. He then puts himself forward as tribute for some experimental kissing. Bella tells him to hold his breath until that happens and Jacob grumbles about her being “in a bad mood.” Stop trying to kiss her, jerk breath, and I’m sure she’ll just sunny right up.
Catherine: Reading this is making me physically uncomfortable for Bella right now and I KNOW THAT NOTHING EVEN HAPPENS.
Mari: Jacob says that Bella seems to be more comfortable around him when he’s a wolf. (K: Bella tells us that “My mouth fell open with a little popping sound.” I just spent five minutes trying to do that. I looked fucking stupid, but NOT ONCE DID NOISE HAPPEN.) Bella thinks it’s probably because he can’t talk when he’s a wolf. (…just lick her face.) Jacob thinks it’s because she doesn’t have to worry about being attracted to him while he’s wolfed out. Bella’s like, “LOL. I think it’s the talking thing.” Jacob insists that Bella is very aware of him physically. Bella says of course she is. “You’re an enormous monster who refuses to respect anyone else’s personal space.”
Why is Bella not the worst right now? It’s so confusing. And then it double backs around back to being the worst because while this is all true and Jacob deserves it, basically all of it also applies to Edward, and she loves that guy because of course. (C: This is so accurate and I hate everything.)
Jacob gets all serious and puts his face close to Bella’s, but then he starts laughing and says he doesn’t want to fight Edward tonight because they have a mission to complete. He doesn’t want to leave the Cullens one short. Bella bristles and Jacob assumes it’s because she doesn’t believe Jake can take Edward in a fight, but really she’s just making this all about her. She has feelings about how weak she is and how she’s deprived the Cullens of a fighting member by making Edward promise to stay with her.
Jacob notices how upset she gets and gets serious. He says he was joking before and apologizes if anything he said upset her. She explains that she’s just upset because she’s making Edward stay with her. She has even more feelings about what a weak link she is and how everything ever is her fault, or whatever. Jacob can’t believe she convinced Edward to stay out of the fight because he wouldn’t sit out for anything. Bella uses this as proof that Edward loves her more. Jacob tries to backtrack and says that he’s just confident everything will go well. Bella says that regardless of how things turn out, she’ll be sick with worry the whole time he’s gone. Jacob jumps on his chance to be all, “me? But you don’t love me?” and of course Bella assures him that she loves him and he’s her best friend when he isn’t being a jerk.
Jacob ruins it by asking when Bella is going to realize she’s in love with him. Not that she isn’t also in love with Edward, but just that she loves two people. Bella says she’s not some freaky werewolf and… I can’t even.
K: Can this book just be over now?
C: What? I just…what? Why is this?
Mari: They are finally close to Edward again and Jacob explains that he’ll stay close by that night in case Edward wants to communicate with the pack. Seth will take over in the morning during the fight. Bella asks if there’s anything she can say to convince Jake to sit out of the fight, but that’s a no go. Because he doesn’t want to and because Sam is calling the shots anyway.
This reminds Bella of what Edward told her about Jacob being second in command. Bella asks Jake about it and he demures, saying it’s no big deal. Bella wants to know how Sam ended up as alpha and Jake as beta. Sam got the job by default since he was the oldest. His position is a little more complicated and has to do with lineage. Bella starts to put it together for herself: Jake is the last alpha’s grandson so he should be alpha. Jake admits that he should be alpha, but he turned down the job. He didn’t even want to be a werewolf, let along chief of the wolves and by extension chief of the tribe. He’s feeling better about being a wolf these days but he still doesn’t want the job. Bella is impressed by the grown-upness of her friend who is one year younger than she is.
They finally reach Edward, who is super relieved to see Bella. He sincerely thanks Jacob for delivering Bella to him quickly. Jacob shrugs it off and tells them to get in the tent soon. The plot storm is a-brewing. Jacob says he’s going to go see what’s going on back at home and leaves without saying goodbye.
K: Leaving without saying goodbye to these character: the Snark Lady dream.
Next time on Eclipse: Plot storm in Chapter 22.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.