Previously: Someone called Tessa prissy. PRISSY. CAN YOU IMAGINE?
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Samantha: After Tessa catches Hardin and the pink haired girl macking in sin, she… stands there. She truly just stands there because she can’t get her feet to move. Cool.
Marines: Tessa is so stunned by two young people making out that she literally can’t get her body to move? Honestly? You were just trying to kiss your boyfriend like 3 micro-chapters ago.
Samantha: We are also told this about Hardin:
His face is flat-not amused or embarrassed at all. He must do this type of thing all the time.
Not that his expression is flat, which is probably what Todd is try to get at, his entire face is flat. Bummer, Hardin.
Mari: How hard was Pink Hair kissing him, like damn. Maybe Tessa was frozen in horror because Pink Hair was flattening his face with her lips.
Samantha: Tessa babble-explains that she was looking for the bathroom as pink haired girl goes back to sucking on Hardin’s neck. Maybe the hicky will look like a pitchfork. She also thinks about how uncomfortable this is. Yeah, girl, that is true so maybe leave the room??? Why are you still hovering like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls?
After Pinky snarks at her to gtfo, Teessa finally does and decides to find the kitchen. She also laments again how terrible college is and Tessa, honey, this is one tiny moment of one fraction of college. Chill.
Mari: Tessa wants to only be in places where she can awkwardly hang out at the door while silently judging and being disgusted by people having more fun than her. Little did she know college would be so disappointing on that front so soon.
Samantha: She finds the kitchen where there are pizzas on the counter and a girl puking in the sink. Not exactly what I want out of my pizza environment. She tries to mop up the stain on her dress with a paper towel but it falls apart as she wipes. Must not be Bounty.
Won’t let you down at a frat party.
Mari: Okay, this one little scene just tells you SO MUCH about Saint Tessa here. Let’s back up for a second:
“I have to reach around a brunette puking in the sink to grab a paper towel and wet it. As I wipe it over my dress, small white flakes of the cheap paper towel cover the wet spot, making it worse.”
- Girl, you are wearing the Sunday School teacher equivalent of the plum dress. Please calm down.
- There is a human being puking in the sink and Tessa decides she needs to mop at her maroon garbage dress so badly, SHE REACHES AROUND THE PUKING GIRL, TURNS ON THE FAUCET THOUGH THERE IS PRESUMABLY A PERSON’S FACE BENEATH IT, AND WETS THE NAPKIN. What kind of monster…
- Saint Tessa cannot abide paper products without extra absorbency.
Do we all love our main character yet?
Samantha: No. But 1430, brilliantly laid out, Blossom.
Nate finds her and asks if she’s enjoying herself. Nice try, Nate. He also tells her that these parties usually last all night and into tomorrow. Tessa panics about how she’s going to get back to the dorms and Nate offers her his car. She turns him down because if she gets pulled over or into an accident she’d be in big trouble. Nate even offers to ask around to see if anyone is sober enough to take her. Why isn’t Nate the love interest? (M: Because he’s nice. That isn’t a punchline; it’s a serious answer.)
Just then, the devil music gets turned way up! Tessa can’t hear what Nate is saying anymore! The drama! I’m gripped with intense woe for our heroine!
Tune in next time to see if Tessa brought earplugs to this horrid, horrid party!
Mari: Maybe the maroon dress has pockets and her earplugs were in her pockets and they got RUINED when she was doused in devil juice and so now, she’s extra extra sure that college is the worst thing to ever happen.
Maybe.
Next time on After: More heathen party antics in Chapter 09.
I'm a 28 year old graduated English major and almost librarian. I can often be found singing too loudly (poorly) in the car or spending some time (hours) on Tumblr. I am a lover of Harry Potter, the Spice Girls, and too many other things.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
