Previously: Joey and Drue got stuck in a storeroom so that he didn’t have to see his father, Gretchen and Pacey went on a roadtrip, and Dawson gave Gretchen a love letter he wrote her when he was 11 and now they’re inexplicably dating.
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The Te of Pacey
Kirsti: Pacey’s asleep on the sofa when Joey wakes him up by singing happy birthday and shoving a cupcake in his face.
He’s none too pleased by this method of being woken up, and hopes like hell for no further acknowledgement of his birthday because birthdays are the actual worst.
Chelsea: This is not the way to wake someone up, ESPECIALLY ON THEIR BIRTHDAY. You let them wake up naturally and then bribe them with cake.
K: EXACTLY.
Joey’s all “Whaaaaaat?”, and he informs her that every birthday he’s had since he was 10 has been the uber-suck.
He moves onto examples: when he was 12, he ate so much pizza and cake that he puked all over the girl he had a crush on, who called him Pacey Pukey for the rest of the year and now his family reminds him of that every year on his birthday. You know, as further proof that the Witter family are the actual fucking worst and Pacey is a miracle. (C: My rage for Pacey’s family is already at an 11, and we haven’t even met them yet. Exhausting episode, here we come.) He reminds her of his 16th birthday, when he threw himself a birthday party and no one showed up. And his 14th birthday, when he got mauled by a dog.
So this year, he says, he just wants to ignore it. Joey refuses. He says the only way around it is if they can spend the night alone together at the house and not go anywhere at all (C: SOLD). He hugs her as he says this. Joey promises, but her face is screaming “OH SHIT I FUCKED UP.”
HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH.
After the credits, Dawson’s freaking out to Jack about his date with Gretchen that night. Jack suspects it’s because Pacey and Joey don’t know, but Dawson insists that it’s because it’s his first official date with Gretchen. He says that if Pacey or Joey asks him about it, he’ll tell them. Jack’s all “LOL SURE” and bails. Dawson looks somewhere between offended and confused.
Back at Pacey’s, Gretchen asks Joey if she’s got any plans for Pacey’s birthday. Joey continues the “Nope, just going to be the two of us, hiding from the birthday curse!” line. Pacey’s going through the mail when he stops on a particular envelope, then rushes from the room with zero subtlety. Joey rushes over to Gretchen to beg her to come to a last minute surprise party for Pacey at their parents’ house. Gretchen insists this is a terrible idea because “My parents are insane, and Pacey will kill you.”
Joey says she knows it’s a terrible idea, but it was Mama Witter’s terrible idea so she couldn’t exactly say no. She begs Gretchen to come again, asking if she has plans that night and Gretchen is all “Nope not a plan in the world, no, definitely not a single plan at all,” which Joey doesn’t think is at all suspicious.
Meanwhile, at Chez Grams, Jen and Grams are decoupaging picture frames. Not even kidding. (C: From Ecstasy to Decoupage: The Jen Lindley Story) (K: NGL, I’d watch that.) Grams asks what Jen’s plans for the evening are, and Jen says she’s got five more hours of community service, so she’ll be driving drunk teens home for an organisation called Responsible Rides. Grams thinks that sounds like fun. Jen’s all “Okay, what the hell is going on with you because you’re all daydreamy.”
Grams insists that nothing’s different to normal, and Jen accuses her of thinking about sex. Grams chokes on her tea, and insists that she and Mr. Brooks aren’t having sex. Jen says they need to have “the safe sex talk” regardless, because for starters you need to find out if your prospective partner is into anything kinky. Grams tells her to stop trying to freak her out because it won’t work also she’s definitely not getting out of decoupage or community service.
Jen’s impressed that she turned the conversation around without ever admitting that she was daydreaming about sex, and Grams says “I learned from the best.” Jen gives this adorable proud little smile, and I just love their relationship so much right now.
Leery’s Fresh Fish. Dawson stops by to ask Gretchen where she wants to go on their date. She awkwardly fills him in on the surprise-birthday-party deal, and he’s all “Oh, cool, so we’ll go to that as our first date,” which is weird. She suggests postponing their first date because attending a surprise party that the guest of honour is going to hate doesn’t seem like much of a first date (LEGIT) but also because having to be all “HEY, WE’RE DATING” to her whole family on their first date seems like the worst (ALSO LEGIT).
He accuses her of being ashamed to date him because he’s the worst. She insists that she’s not ashamed and says that they need to be a little sensitive towards Pacey and Joey. Dawson says that if she wants to hide it, it’s clearly not something she’s comfortable doing in the first place. She gives him an awkward look, and he looks like a kicked puppy. (C: Dawson spends more time looking like a sad puppy than every dog in every one of those adopt-a-dog-while-Sara-McLaughlin-sings commercials.) All of this, I should add, takes place in a busy restaurant while she’s setting tables. Dawson bails and Gretchen sighs.
Responsible Rides. Jen gets a briefing from the woman in charge, who says she’ll be working with a partner and they’ll contact her via walkie talkie. Jen’s partner turns out to be Tobey, who’s doing it because “It’s the best place to pick up boys. The drunker, the better!” “I hear you...” replies the woman in charge as she walks off, and Jen gets “….WTF JUST HAPPENED” face.
Chelsea: WTF did just happen?! I mean, I know times have changed, TV, but I feel like even the early 2000s shouldn’t have been okay with a ‘using a sober ride service to pick up drunk guys to bang’ joke because THAT’S DISGUSTING. Would it have been okay if it had been a straight guy saying it about picking up girls? My guess is no, so that makes it double disgusting. Add to that the fact that Tobey says it? The trifecta of worst things.
Hmmm, I didn’t think this scene bothered me that much, but clearly that’s not the case.
K: I honestly have no idea why that line was included, because it’s suuuuuuper squicky, even if Tobey’s joking.
Jen hangs on Tobey’s arm (SERIOUSLY, WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS DO THAT) and says that with him around, maybe her last few community service hours won’t be the worst ever. She suggests that they stop by Pacey’s party on account of Jack will be there. Tobey eyerolls a little and tells her that not all gay people have to be friends and also he’s not convinced that Jack’s actually gay, which makes me want to junk punch him a little bit. Jen insists that Jack’s just lonely, and Tobey’s all “UGH FINE” before insisting that he has a very jealous boyfriend so this better not be a set up.
Meanwhile, Joey’s leading a blindfolded Pacey to his parents’ house. He asks where they’re going, and then guesses that they’re heading to a remote dock for champagne and cake and sexytimes.
Chelsea: DOUBLE SOLD.
K: She pulls off his blindfold a little sadly, and says that he’s close. Pacey’s face falls when he realises where they are. Inside, Papa Witter is in a recliner, watching TV. “Oh, you’re here. Surprise,” he says in a IDGAF tone. “Oh, shoot. We missed it,” says FREAKING SUE SYLVESTER, because of course Pacey’s mother would be played by Jane Lynch. Everyone belatedly yells surprise, and Joey smiles awkwardly while Pacey clearly wants to die.
Things get off to a great start when Pacey’s nephew punches him in the junk. Then Dougie walks in and is all “Happy birthday, can’t wait to see what horrible things happen to you!” Joey gets “WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL” face, while Jack, Dawson, and Gretchen have super fake smiles on their faces. Pacey sighs and we fade to black.
Chelsea: It really bothered me that Joey was all “what the hell is with you people” when EVERYONE TRIED TO TELL HER exactly what this would be like. It’s not their fault they’re being their same awful selves, Joey – it’s your fault for expecting and counting on something different. Poor Pacey.
K: Also, SHE EATS DINNER THERE EVERY WEEK. Like, this is not her first time at the Witter house. She KNOWS how awful they all are. Why the hell did she think Pacey’s birthday would be any different?!
After the Not Commercial Break, Dawson’s pinned down by a pile of Mini Witters. Pacey’s on the couch, looking like he wants to cry or murder someone or both. Papa Witter gets out of his recliner long enough to call Pacey’s sister Kerry “a cow” for daring to eat, and to tell Pacey that on his eighteenth birthday, he was in Vietnam, witnessing horrors and screwing 30 year old Vietnamese women.
“I thought you had to be 18 to join the army, Pop...” Pacey says coldly. Joey looks awkward. Sue Sylvester says that Pacey’s still a man today regardless of not being in the army, and she’s sure he’d enlist if they needed him. She calls Joey “Joanna” while Papa Witter yells at the television about sports. “Just kill me now?” Pacey says to Gretchen.
Chelsea: This goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. This family is the fucking worst. This is emotional abuse. No one deserves to have their family treat them like this.
K: #ACCURATE
He heads into the dining room, where Joey’s setting the table, and asks what the hell she was thinking. She insists that his family just wanted to do something nice for his birthday and that he should try a little harder. He says sadly that his family doesn’t give a shit about him or his birthday and the whole thing is just an excuse for his dad to get drunker than usual, eat cake, and call him a failure. No matter what he does, he’s a failure. Ow, my feels.
Joey demands to know what he’s talking about, and he insists that it’s nothing. The tinkly piano tinkles as she tells him they’ll get through the night and that everything will be fine. There are forehead kisses involved. “Oh, how I wish that were true...” Pacey mutters.
Elsewhere in the house, Gretchen accuses Dawson of avoiding her. He insists he’s just keeping with their earlier conversation about tonight not being a date. She says she wants to find some middle ground and also beat him at Monopoly. The small children drag them off to play Monopoly, which just adds an extra layer of nightmare fuel to this already terrible party as far as I’m concerned.
My feelings about Monopoly
Chelsea: This is a Scrabble household. There will be none of that Monopoly shit here.
K: My niece is a Monopoly FIEND. Like, has been regularly beating adults at Monopoly from the age of six. She now knows not to ask me to play Monopoly with her, because the board will get thrown across the room at some point…
Meanwhile, Jen and Tobey are Responsible Ride-ing their way around town. Jen asks for details about Tobey’s boyfriend, and he says that he’s Jack’s polar opposite and also super hot. Jen’s all “Skkkkrt, you don’t think my BFF is hot?” Tobey admits that Jack’s hot “in a fratty sort of way“. He says like five times that his jealous boyfriend is totally perfect and Jen smirks a little.
Chelsea: Ugh, Tobey. Your clearly made-up boyfriend sounds like a peach; let’s get him in here, instead.
K: YUP.
Pacey’s Pity Party. Papa Witter shouts about how hungry he is as Joey finds Pacey sitting outside alone. She asks him what’s wrong, and he starts to say that he didn’t… But he trails off and asks if they can take a walk. They’re about to go when Papa Witter appears and demands that they come back inside so he can talk to Joey. Pacey reluctantly leads the way back inside.
Papa Witter sarcastically thanks Joey for putting ideas about college into Pacey’s head because now he’s going to have to fund another dropout’s college career. Jack looks super awkward while eating a chicken leg. Joey insists that Pacey won’t be a dropout and that he’ll do great at college. Papa Witter says he’ll either drop out or flunk out, and Sue Sylvester chimes in that flunking high school classes doesn’t mean Pacey will flunk out of college. “So no matter how many times you let us down, sweetie, my faith will be there to pick you right back up,” she says cheerfully. Oof.
C: RRRRAAAAAAGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
K: SO MUCH RAGE.
They then cheerily reflect on Pacey’s childhood and how they knew Gretchen was college material but whenever Mini!Pacey said he wanted to be a vet, they pointed out that dog groomer was more achievable. Joey gets “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE” face. Again.
Down in the basement, Gretchen’s showing Dawson and the kids a spinny star lamp thing (I’m sure they have a proper name, but whatever) that her grandmother gave her, and tells them the story that always went with it. The kids are enthralled right up until they’re called upstairs for dinner. The tinkly piano tinkles as Gretchen and Dawson smile at each other.
Back upstairs, Joey finds Pacey and assures him that he’s going to do amazingly at college and that his family is wrong. “What if I don’t? What if they are 100% correct?” he says bitterly. She asks what’s going on, and he says they should head to the basement to talk. But when they get there, they find Dawson and Gretchen making out on the sofa. Fade to black.
Chelsea: Be smarter, Dawson. You too, Gretchen.
K: Seriously.
After the Not Commercial Break, it’s time for the most awkward dinner of ever. Sue Sylvester says she’s made Pacey’s favourite: chipped beef on toast. But LOL NOPE, that’s Doug’s favourite and Pacey’s most hated meal of ever. Sue Sylvester insists that he’s wrong and that he loves it. Pacey gives Gretchen bitch face.
Chelsea: I call TOTAL bullshit on anyone’s favorite meal being chipped beef on toast (or, as we called it in our house, shit on a shingle) because, just, no.
K: I’ve literally never even heard of chipped beef on toast, but it sounds DISGUSTING. I just Googled it, and it also LOOKS disgusting. Why the hell would anybody eat that?!
Joey heads to the kitchen to grab the ketchup and finds Dawson there. They have a snippy conversation about his relationship with Gretchen, and Joey bails when Gretchen walks into the kitchen. Dawson can’t stop happy smiling on account of make out sessions and no more secrets, and tells Gretchen that Joey thinks they’re a couple now. Gretchen gets “WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU” face. (C: Note to Dawson – if you’re going to use your current girlfriend to make your ex jealous, you need to be waaaaay more subtle about it. Or don’t, and just keep being an asshole. Either way.) Dawson accuses her of not knowing what she wants them to be, and storms back into the dinner table. Pacey comes in and Gretchen tries to talk to him about what’s happening, but he’s all “NOPE” because he already has too much going on today.
Responsible Rides. We’re treated to a montage of drunk teenagers in the back seat. Jen and Tobey cackle at a couple seriously making out, then duck protectively when a subsequent passenger says she’s going to hurl.
Back at Pacey’s Pity Party, he’s opening his presents. He gets an ashtray from his sister Kerry, and fireworks from Papa Witter. Sue Sylvester said she read an article recently talking about how you should bond with your kids on their birthdays by talking about memories from their childhoods. Pacey mutters “Oh, joy...” which is legit. Sue Sylvester tells a story about how Baby Pacey was super chill and used to fall asleep in cardboard boxes. Dougie tells a story about how they all forgot about Pacey at the ice cream store and nearly drove off without him and Pacey was so scared he peed his pants.
Gretchen chimes in with a story about how she was being bullied in fifth grade, and tiny little second grade Pacey ran over and started kicking and punching the bully and yelling at him to stay away from Gretchen. She calls Pacey “the bravest guy I know.”
Chelsea: By now, you guys, you know I hate Dawson. You know I hate Tobey more. Well, I’m here to officially say that I hate Papa Witter more than Dawson, Tobey, and Mama Drue combined. Times like a million. I don’t care what Pacey was or wasn’t like – you’re a shitty dad.
K: PREACH. It also deeply saddens me that Mitch is the most responsible male role model that Pacey had growing up. Because Mitch LOCKED HIS WIFE OUTSIDE IN A HURRICANE.
Kerry tells a story about how Mini Pacey woke up at 5.30am and wanted to make pancakes for the whole family but set the kitchen on fire and the dog died of smoke inhalation. Ooof. Papa Witter says he’s got a story, but Pacey’s had enough. He snaps that’s he’s sick of being publicly humiliated on his birthday and that the theme shouldn’t be “Pacey screws up” but “Pacey gets the short end of the stick.”
Then he says that Papa Witter and his wallet can rest easy because he won’t be going to college. The letter he got that morning was a rejection letter from his fallback school, the one he thought for sure would take him. “So I guess at the end of the day, you guys are right. I’m going to end up exactly where you thought I would. A complete and utter failure,” he says. He storms over the front door to leave, but opens it to find Jen and Tobey singing happy birthday to him. He pushes past them into the night. Fade to black.
Chelsea: *insert Dawson sobbing GIF, as it’s both topical and emotionally fitting*
K: YUP.
After the Not Commercial Break, Joey’s heading out to look for Pacey. Dawson insists on going with her because Pacey took her car. She reluctantly accepts. Jack heads over to Tobey and is all “uhhhh, why are you here?” “I’m here to make you uncomfortable, of course!” Tobey says awkwardly. Jack tries to strike up a conversation, but Tobey totally mishandles it and basically hates on Jack, who walks away. Jen gives Tobey “DUDE WTF” face.
Pacey Finding Mission. Joey says she gives zero fucks about Dawson and Gretchen right now because she has bigger things to worry about. Dawson says he has no idea what’s going on with him and Gretchen because she won’t tell him. Joey sighs and tells him that’s just what Witters do in relationships. And they’ll eventually tell the truth. It’s just often after you realise you’ve been ignoring a bunch of super important signs.
Dawson tells her that it’s not her fault Pacey didn’t get into college. “I know. But it’s my fault that he thinks that he disappointed me, because I said that he’d definitely get in…” she says. Dawson laughs and says that’s a total Potter thing to do – believing in others more than in themselves. She smiles sadly and says they should go back because they’ll never find him.
Meanwhile, Papa Witter has tracked Pacey down at the marina. In his sole moment of responsible parenting in six seasons of this show, he’s brought Pacey’s coat and gloves. He tells Pacey that he got rejected the first time he applied to the police academy, and it was devastating. “I know I’m not college material, Pop. But I just really, really wanted it...” Pacey says.
The tinkly orchestra tinkles as Papa Witter says they’re not hard on him about college because they don’t think he’ll get in. It’s because he’s not sure it’s the right place for Pacey. But he definitely thinks Pacey’s meant to do great things in his life. Pacey smiles a little tearily.
Chelsea: Nope. Sorry. Not giving in here. No benefit of the doubt, no shred of forgiveness for Papa Witter from this corner of the internet. Apologizing for being an emotionally and verbally abusive asshole for the last 18 years doesn’t make it all go away, especially when you don’t correct your behavior going forward (spoiler alert: he doesn’t). Pacey deserves so, so, so much more than that. Any person would.
K: Agreed. The tinkly orchestra is occasionally the tinkly orchestra of manipulation, and this is a prime example of that.
Responsible Rides. Jen suggests volunteering regularly, and then tells Tobey that she knows he was mean to Jack because he likes him. She also knows that his super jealous boyfriend is totally made up. Tobey admits it with a laugh. Jen tells him that if he’s nice and tries to be Jack’s friend, it’s probably going to be more effective than being an asshat.
Witter house. Pacey and Papa Witter get back to find all the lights out. Papa Witter wonders where everyone’s gone. Pacey suggests Red Lobster, “to wash away all memory of Mom’s chipped beef on toast.” Papa Witter laughs. I agree because it sounds VILE. (C: Girl, trust me, it IS vile. It is literally chunks of pan-fried beef that is then put on top of plain toast and covered with brown gravy. That’s it. And if even that sounds good, it’s REALLY not.) (K: Gravy was invented by the Devil, so it sounds like THE WORST THING EVER.) They head inside, and everyone jumps out and yells “SURPRISE!” before singing happy birthday with the remaining chunk of the cake. Joey mouths “I love you” at Pacey just before he blows out the candles and it’s adorable.
Chelsea: I feel like maybe I’m being extra grumpy right now, but even this didn’t thaw my heart towards the Witter family. Like, congrats that you all stopped being vile people for this five minutes, but what about everything else you’ve ever said ever?
K: I just pretended that the only people in the room were Pacey and Joey, and it made everything better.
Later, Gretchen finds Dawson sitting outside by the fire. She tells him that he was right and tonight was totally about her. She knows how she feels about him, but she’s scared. She doesn’t want to start something and then leave town and hurt him. Dawson points out that he’s leaving town at the end of the year too, and that the point is right now. The tinkly piano tinkles as he says they should make the most of things. They kiss and I give zero fucks because they’re not Pacephine.
Chelsea: Also, this is so clearly a conversation to establish that we are not to expect Gretson (Dawten?) to last beyond this season. And thank God.
K: TRUTH.
Speaking of Pacephine, she finds Pacey on the porch. She apologises for the party, and he blames the curse. She tells him that one rejection isn’t the end of the world. He says the rejection just makes it real and that the two of them are on different roads, heading away from each other. She disagrees, and says it’ll work if they try. They hug and she wishes him happy birthday. He grins as they kiss, but they’re interrupted by Papa Witter letting off Pacey’s birthday fireworks. The whole family gathers around to watch the fireworks, and Papa Witter wraps his arm around Pacey’s shoulders as he wishes him happy birthday and I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING.
Chelsea: I’m really not crying. Just to be clear.
K: This episode is rough, because did Pacey’s family REALLY need to get any shittier than they already were? But it also brings a lot of feelings. So, there’s that.
Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Awkward double dates for all in S04 E13 – Hopeless.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
A collector of coffee cups, a lover of books with broken binding, and the one true Ben/Leslie shipper. Feel free to check out all my bookish and pop culture nerdgasms over at www.youtube.com/TheReadingOutlaw!