Breaking Dawn Chapter 01 – Full-time wolf.

Previously: Jacob got on Edward’s douche level. Edward and Bella got engaged.

Marines: Welcome back, dearest of friends. Welcome to the beginning of the end. We hope you made it through the dumpster fire that was 2016 in one piece. I’d say something about starting 2017 off on this terrible foot, but who are we kidding? We are going to laugh ourselves dizzy, and perhaps yell ourselves sad, but… friends and drinks. Welcome indeed.

Kirsti: The first time I read this book, I screamed with rage and disgust and threw it across the room with all my strength. So, like, that might happen too.

Annie: I literally felt sick to my stomach multiple times reading this book and had to stop reading. I wanted to DNF it so badly, but I was reading it with my little cousin, so… I felt I had to read it so she’d have someone to work through the garbage with. Yay?

Mari: On those happy notes…

This book is, unfortunately or fortunately, not dedicated to Pancho’s eating out. Instead, we get a dedication to Meyer’s agent and also to her favorite band Muse “for providing a saga’s worth of inspiration.” So, now that we all know who we can write hate mail to, we move on to the preface.

In this preface, Bella teases the fact that she’s yet again facing death. Like, it’s the fourth time now girl so we care EVEN LESS than we did before.

Still, this time was so different from the others.” 

Suuuuure.

K: Different on account of Victoria’s dead now so it can’t possibly be her who’s trying to kill Bella? Cool.

Catherine: Wasn’t she dead… before?

Annie: She’s a lying liar that lies. How dare she get our hopes up like that.

Mari: Actually, this near-death experience is so different because it’s someone who loves her who is trying to kill her. Confirmation good and early that Bella definitely isn’t clear on what’s been happening for three books.

We start chapter one with Bella promising herself that no one is looking at her. But because apparently she can’t even lie to herself convincingly (?), Bella looks to see if anyone is looking at her. She’s in a car and when she turns to the right she sees a Mrs. Weber staring at her. Bella can’t believe Mrs. Weber doesn’t even have the decency to look away or ashamed, but then she remembers that she’s got dark tints on her neeeeewwww caaaaaaarrrr!

priceisright3

Catherine: Pretty sure Mrs. Weber is the mother of Bella’s friend Angela, by the way. Please do enjoy her one appearance in this entire series. 

Mari: Hi Mrs. Weber. Bye Mrs. Weber.

Besides Mrs. Weber, some random pedestrians are also staring. When the light turns green, Bella tries to escape these very worrisome stares. She hits the gas like she would in the Wow. Free.–

HOLD UP. Does this mean we are done with the Wow. Free. Truck???? I TAKE IT ALL BACK. WE WILL NOT LAUGH. THERE WILL BE NO HAPPINESS.

giphy-3

K: NOPE. NOT OKAY. HOW DARE YOU KILL OFF THE MOST VALUABLE PLAYER IN THIS ENTIRE DAMN SERIES, MEYER??? (Also, am I the only one who just thought “Bella floored the pedal to the metal” and then died a little inside??)

Catherine: I’m so upset.

Annie: #RIP

Mari: Bella takes off too quickly and then she tries to slow down, but she slams on the breaks and the car completely stops. Is this a metaphor for the plot in these books? I don’t know what’s happening. Bella is super embarrassed and she tries to gently tap down the gas pedal, but apparently the car takes off again. I had a bit of an adjustment when I purchased a new car this year. It’s a nice car, to be sure, but not like a fancy car. I’m too poor to know what fancy cars drive like and if it really is impossible to get it to just go and not goooooo. Any non-poor people around or something?

K: I know when my mum got a MUCH smaller car like 6 years ago, she did a lot of “Oh fuck, I’m doing 20kph over the speed limit!” because she’d use the same acceleration she usually used, but the car was much lighter. That doesn’t seem to apply in this case…

Mari: My favorite part of this all, though, is that Bella cries “argh!” like a very frustrated pirate. That’s stupid enough, but here’s a little reminder that argh was Ana Steele’s orgasm noise.

I know you all love me too. (K: -__-)

Bella finally gets to the gas station. She’s only out and about in town because she needs gas. She’s run out of other stuff like Pop-Tarts and shoelaces (?) (K: How the eff do you RUN OUT OF SHOELACES?! Like… just wear flip flops, weirdo.) (C: Or just like… get new shoes? Who buys shoelaces on their own?) because she’s too embarrassed by her new car to go acquire Pop-Tarts and shoelaces. And also because she can’t drive it, I’d say. IDK how she ran out of gas. Maybe Edward drives her around in her new car.

Bella starts pumping gas, but she feels like a spotlight is on her, not only because of her new car, but because she’s got that engagement ring on. This is all so self-important that I want to throw up all over her new car. Bella tries to tell herself that it totally doesn’t matter what people are saying about her engagement, her new car, her acceptance into an Ivy League college or about her new black card, but then she’s of course interrupted by the people next to her wanting to know if she’s driving a Mercedes Guardian. Oh my god, all this build-up about this stupid car and IT’S FICTIONAL? IT’S NOT EVEN A REAL FANCY CAR? NO WONDER YOU CAN’T EVEN DRIVE IT. STEPHENIE MEYER MADE IT UP AND SHE CAN’T MAKE UP GOOD THINGS.

As this rando exposits how awesome this made-up car is, so exclusive that it’s not even out in Europe yet, Bella thinks about how weird it is that she has a fiance. Not only is it weird because Bella was raised to hate weddings, apparently, but because Edward is too good, too above being a husband.

“I just couldn’t reconcile a staid, respectable, dull concept like husband with my concept of Edward. It was like casting an archangel as an accountant.”

gag

K: Meanwhile, all I can think of is this. Obviously:

Mari: The boys who were talking to Bella start clearing their throats like ahem ahem, we were talking to you before you dove into your neurosis concerning your boyfriend. She finally tells them she has no idea what she’s driving. The boys want to take a picture of the car anyway.

Catherine: I mean, I know this is hardly a new thing in terrible romances (it was also a huge part of 50 Shades) but this whole, ‘Bella hates being rich’ thing is so irritating to read about. I guess it’s supposed to make us believe that she’s more moral and pure than us because she’s disgusted that she has a brand new car to drive around but it just makes me feel like she’s more out of touch than ever. 

Mari: I mean, these heroines should be disgusted about males using money as another means to control and manipulate but that’s not what they are protesting here. It’s just monies because heroines have to be pure, chaste and low maintanence.

Bella is so sad and she misses Wow. Free. Truck. (K: Same, girl.) She thinks it’s super convenient, as in super suspicious, that her truck finally kicked the bucket after she promised Edward he could replace it once it was done for. She’s an idiot if she didn’t think she would wake up the next day to Edward with a crowbar, going to town. Of course, Edward denied doing anything to the truck, like, say, that one time he messed with it so she wouldn’t visit Jacob…

Speaking of Jacob, she can’t even use his free labor now, so her Wow. Free. Truck is really dead and she’s stuck with this Mercedes Fake, which the randos in the background are telling us is flamethrower and tank-proof, because it was made for drug lords and arms dealers. And puny little girls in Forks, Washington who can’t even walk straight or unwrap their own birthday presents without harming themselves. Sure, put that girl in this super fast, heavy car. The boys wonder why you would need missile-proof glass and four thousand pounds of body armor in Forks.

Of course, this is all news to Bella. She had no idea that Edward promised her a car and gave her a fallout shelter on wheels. It’s news to her, but it isn’t a surprise.

It wasn’t like I hadn’t expected Edward to take advantage of our deal, to weight it on his side so that he could give so much more than he would receive.” 

Thas cute, you trying to make the fact that he encased his girlfriend in missile-proof glass romantic. I know this girl gets into a lot of trouble, but this weirds me the hell out.

K: Basically, what I’m getting from all of this is that Bella’s driving A FUCKING HUMVEE. But didn’t realise she was driving a Humvee. LOL, ‘KAY.

Catherine: I’m not a car person but like… why would an official company be marketing to drug lords and arms dealers?

Annie: Because in Meyer’s world, they’re the ones with all the money. The gangsters. And the vampires.

Mari: It gets even weirder when Bella tells us that Edward actually bought her two cars: a “before” and an “after” car. The Mercedes Fake is just for her to drive until the wedding. It’s a loaner. Now that Bella hears the randos explain that it’s flamethrower proof, she gets that this “before” car is because she’s human and fragile. Bella thinks this is sarcastically hilarious and imagines all the Cullens getting a laugh out of it, but then a voice in her head chastises her and says maybe Edward is just really worried gosh. Maybe he just went a little overboard in protecting her.

Maybe you were right the first time and your boyfriend and his entire family are a fake car load of dicks.

K: Seriously.

Mari: Bella doesn’t know what her “after” car is yet. She doesn’t want to know, but she’s sure it probably isn’t an armored car because she’ll be an super strong vampire then. She’s more looking forward to that than to the pretty cars and credit cards. (A: My guess is it’s a unicycle.)

Bella drives home and tells us all about the flyers that are all about town. They are missing posters for Jacob because he’s run away from home. The posters are all Charlie’s doing, of course, because he doesn’t know any better. Billy and Bella both told him that Jake will be totally fine, but Charlie doesn’t understand why no one is worried about this. I’m not sure Charlie should be so insistent if Billy is telling him to let it be, but also, I feel bad for Charlie because he’s everyone’s idiot right now.

Catherine: I’m not necessarily a Charlie supporter, but I probably feel bad for him more often than anyone else in this series. 

Mari: Finally home, Bella pulls out her “emergencies only” cell phone from the glove compartment. This was published in 2008. I looked it up and like 77% of adults and 71% of teens had cell phones in 2008. Why would you have an “emergencies only” cell phone in 2008? Was it prepaid? Does it have parental controls on it? Did Edward preinstall some kind of Bella tracker on it? I have a lot of questions.

K: SERIOUSLY. I’ve had a mobile phone since 2001? 2002??, and probably half of my graduating class had one in 2000. By 2008, I had one that could connect to the internet. Sure, it was like $10 per minute to access the internet, but it could still do it! Why the hell is her having a mobile phone such a big fucking deal?? OH RIGHT, BECAUSE THIS BOOK IS ACTUALLY SET IN THE 90S MY BAD.

Annie: I got my first cellphone when I was 15 or 16 (so 1998 0r 1999). I got it so boys and my friends could call me late at night without waking my family. It was definitely not an emergency only phone, and I paid for it myself. So. I don’t know why you’d have an ’emergency only’ cellphone in 2008.

Catherine: Also, Bella is 80 years old, so it’s one of those gigantic Jitterbug telephones with the dinner plate-sized buttons. 

Mari: Yes. It’s a cell phone for her soul.

Anyway, Bella emergency-only-calls the Clearwater house, hoping Leah doesn’t pick up because she knows Leah will be the hero we all need and just yell at Bella a lot because Bella always deserves it. Seth picks up, though. He knows Bella is calling for an update and there is a joke about being psychic like Alice in here, but the sad truth is probably that Bella only talks to Seth when she’s looking for an update about Jacob. You don’t need to be a psychic for that, Bell-bell.

Seth lets us know that Jacob’s out being a full-time wolf, running around Canada and stuff. He’s never coming home. Becoming a full-time wolf is a really extreme reaction to someone else getting married, especially if they were never your girlfriend. Bella thanks Seth for putting up with her, especially since she has no other fans in La Push. Seth’s like, “yep.” because he’s a star. Also, he tells Bella that Jacob knows she’s calling and he doesn’t like it either. Oh, did I mention that they pack ESP is international? Dat coverage.

K: This makes no sense because didn’t the epilogue of Eclipse finish with Jacob being all “I ran until I couldn’t get in touch with the pack any more and I was all on my own, just me and my unrequited feelings”?? And yet apparently the pack know where he is all the time now? Okay, SURE.

Mari: Bella tells Seth she’ll see him at the wedding. Seth is very gracious and thinks it’s super cool that Bella asked. Of course, Bella never actually does nice things for other people, and it was Edward’s idea to invite the Clearwaters. Seth and Edward have formed a bit of a friendship. Bella is happy Edward thought of it because it’ll be next best since her best man is missing in full-time wolf action.

Seth hangs up suddenly because Leah got home. Leah’s anger is probably going to be my never favorite thing.

Bella prepares herself to go inside where Charlie is waiting, dealing with many emotions over the missing Jacob no one seems to care about and the fact that his 18-year-old daughter is getting married in a couple of days. Bella flashes back to the night they told Charlie. Bella is sweating bullets when Charlie gets home. They tell him they have great news and Charlie immediately thinks Bella is pregnant. Bella assures him that she’s not and he calms down and apologizes.

K: You guys, the language in this scene is SO VIOLENT. It’s really weird. “you’re not confessing to a murder here.” “the ominous sound of my father’s boots” “that part of the horror movie when the victim realises she’s forgotten to lock her deadbolt.” “I flinched like I’d been Tasered.” “Wait till he hangs his gun up!” Steph. Girl. Calm down…

Catherine: What a happy occasion! 

Mari: After an awkward silence, Edward says that he knows he’s gone about this out of order, but he’s asked Bella to marry him and she’s said yes, so instead of asking for Bella’s hand, he’s asking for Charlie’s blessing. Charlie’s face turns lots of angry colors. He calms himself down and says he kind of expected this anyway. I mean, honestly though, that’s true. I can’t imagine most people consider getting married that young the best of ideas, but these two are always breathing each other’s recycled air and stroking each other and professing their soul shattering love. Just go get married and leave everyone alone.

Charlie asks Bella if she’s sure about this and she says she’s sure about Edward. Charlie is like yeah, but how about marriage. Bella reminds us that she’s going to turn 19 eventually and her boyfriend is forever 17 and ew ew ew, imagine if people would look at them and notice that eternal 2 year difference. So gross, am I right. Bella can’t explain this to Charlie, so instead Edward says that they are going to Dartmouth together and Edward doesn’t want to live in sin. Charlie has no comebacks so he just starts laughing as he tells Bella that she’s the one who has to tell her mom.

K: In the words of Buffy Summers, “I hope it’s a funny aneurysm.” Like… that’s the only explanation for Charlie’s hysterical laughter, right?? Because it’s really not funny. 

Mari: We cut to that conversation and of course Renee is completely fine with it because of true love reasons, or whatever. Bella tries to argue Renee into disapproving, but no cigar. (C: For fucks sake.) Renee is all for teenage marriage, mostly because Bella has “never been a teenager.” Uh, what. Surely she has. Like right now. And if not in her soul, surely she was a teen when she was 6 or something. Surely.

So, now Renee and Esme are planning the wedding and Bella doesn’t have to be at all involved in the wedding she doesn’t want. Hooray. Inside, Bella calls out to her father and he tells her to hold on. Alice is there too and we soon know why: she’s fitting Charlie with his tux. Bella actually asks him what the special occasion is, because she’s an idiot.

Alice has also come to fit Bella with her dress one last time. Bella has to close her eyes and go to her mental happy place the whole time it’s happening because she hates it that much. Yay weddings!

Bella starts thinking about how Edward wanted to have lots of human experiences, like prom. But Bella only wants one human experience before she becomes a blood thirsty baby vamp: sex! So, Alice is fitting Bella with her dress and she’s thinking about that sparkle peen.

Sounds about right. We are back.

K: Is it too late to change our minds?? O.o

Annie: I feel like the answer is yes… I mean, the worst of this is behind us, right?

Mari: Why’d you have to go and say a thing like that?

Next time on Breaking Dawn: Edward’s bachelor party in Chapter 02.

 

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Annie (all posts)

I'm a radio broadcast grad, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, and Toronto Raptors fan. Former graveyard-shift radio host and communications manager to the non-profit stars, now a freelance writer and communications advisor. I hate spoilers and weak tea.





Catherine (all posts)

I am a 25 year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





Kirsti (all posts)

I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and tweet about the random crap that happens to me on public transport more than I should.





 

 

 

 

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Books Breaking Dawn Twilight Saga

  • Purva

    Yay! Glad that you guys are back 😀
    This is the worst among the 4-something I realised even then as a twilight – fan *cringes*
    Happy new year 🙂
    Just wanted to point out that the link for After’s 17th chapter opened only once and has been broken ever since :-

    • Happy new year! I’m so glad to know well in advance that this is going to be the worst of all.

      And YEAH! I published 17 when I was trying to schedule it by accident. It’ll be up tomorrow at regular time with 18. I did that with a draft of Charmed too so obviously I was way out of practice… 😉

  • Sarah

    Oh noes, a two-year age difference! That’s almost as bad as the seven-year age difference between my husband and I…that no one has commented on, ever. Bells, I realize the news won’t penetrate your fog of self-interest, but not everyone is as fascinated by you as you are.

    • You mean no one has ever looked at you all and seen the eons (meaning 7 years) that separated your souls? Shocking.

  • The Bad Slayer

    Missed you, ladies! But, ummm… what is DNF?

    • It stands for did not finish! It’s when you start a book and then abandon it.

      And thank you! Happy New Year!

      • The_v_from_the_sub_B

        I thought maybe “Down To F” and I was like, yeah, that’s Bella, but….

  • Da Bomb From Guam Mafnas

    HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

    I’m pretty sure that Jacob lost signal with his pack because he was only a PART-time wolf, you see. Now that he’s a FULL-time wolf, his signal is strong enough to keep the whole pack connected, no matter where he is. I’m pretty sure that’s the reason. It couldn’t possibly be that Stephanie Meyer failed miserably to write. Or maybe she thinks American Indian legends are something she can manipulate to her will and no one will ever question it.

    Just a heads up, I really hate old-timey outfits and I remember reading the descriptions of Bella’s wedding dress and feeling like this couldn’t be as beautiful as Bella thought it was.

    • Happiest new year!

      Oh, so this is like how you get extra benefits when you are a full-time employee vs. a part-time employee? COOL.

      Heads up in response: I mostly skipped over the descriptions of flowers and dresses and beauty beauty beauty every thing is the most beautiful.

      • Da Bomb From Guam Mafnas

        Full time employees also get a really kick ass health plan, at least as far as superficial stuff goes *wink*. I mean, it doesn’t change the fact that his body is inherently imperfect because it’s BROWN and nothing is better than being a perfect WHITE vampire but them’s the breaks, ya know?

  • The_v_from_the_sub_B

    Horrible horrible vicious rotten book! Drive a stake through its evil heart, ladies.

    • I’ve seen Buffy do it a thousand time! I know exactly what to do…

  • Jamie Miller

    Aw man. Starting off the new year with the end of this wretched series. I’m not sure if I’m excited or just ready for it to be over. Chapter 1 and I’m already annoyed.
    Also is the reason this book is so big, because it’s so full of shit? I’m going with yes.

    • Yes is a wise and safe answer. It is the only explanation. I would ask what could possibly take up so much space or how it could possibly get worse, but I’ve learned my lesson folks. Four books in and I know: It can always get worse.

  • Joy

    OMG
    I mean, simultaneously YAY and not yay. YAY YOU’RE BACK! Not yay there’s more of this… Whatever it is.

    • The story of our lives. Here we all are together!

      Here we all are… reliving one of the great shames of our generation.

  • Lilly Adzler

    “That’s stupid enough, but here’s a little reminder that argh was Ana Steele’s orgasm noise.”

    I imagined that in my head and laughed so hard.

    • I’m glad I made someone laugh! I don’t think the other Snark Ladies were very happy with me.

      • Jessica_antiscian

        I can just imagine EL James reading through this book and at that point going “Aha, perfect!” and writing down a note.

  • Alicia

    “This time, death was so different from the others because it’s someone who loves me who is trying to kill me” GEE I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE.

    Bella’s obsession with everybody staring at her is completely unrealistic. Most people don’t give a fuck about whatever car you’re driving. Sure some people might say “wow that’s a cool car” and move on but I don’t think someone like Angela Weber’s mom or some random pedestrians are going to give two fucks in reality.

    LOL, the neeewww caaaaarrrr gif got me. Awesome.

    Who the fuck runs out of shoelaces? Unless they are werewolf shoelaces… because the wolves lose their shoes when they explode? But I thought they mostly run around barefoot anyway? Also if Bella now has some new fancy black card where she can literally buy ANYTHING, surely she could be able to afford new shoes anyways?

    Bella’s self-important attitude in this whole scene also made me want to throw up. She’s got a rich-ass boyfriend, a fancy car, a huge diamond engagement ring, new black card and Of COURSE she got into an Ivy-league school, even though we don’t really see any sign of her actual school smarts other than reading British classic lit? That makes her an A student I guess? Oh and the few labs that she did with Edward that she had already done in her old school?

    Ugh, for a girl who is supposed to be “insecure” and not like attention, she sure likes to brag about herself and her love for Edward. “Calling him husband is dull because he is more like an archangel”. Fucking makes me want to puke. She’s such a fucking bitch and any love between other couples does not match to her love with Edward.

    And she’s more pure than us because she’s not enjoying her newfound riches. Instead she acts like an ungrateful bitch. Sure, I’d be quite unused to suddenly being married into money, since I’m a smelly poor person and all, but damn, I think I would enjoy it too.

    Lol, and then we learn that Bella is only a little suspicious of Edward that he may or may not have had something to do with her Wow Free Truck kicking the bucket after she told him that she would only replace it if it broke down. That’s true love, having your boyfriend/fiance/eternal vampire love/whatever basically take apart your vehicle so that he could buy you a new one. He basically forced her to buy a new one, even though she didn’t want one. But oh, it’s passed off as Edward’s concerned for Bella’s safety, driving that old rickety truck.

    I am also not sure why a car company would be marketing to drug lords and arms dealers, but I suppose anything can happen in MeyerLand.

    Ugh, okay. I have a good driving record. Up until 2 weeks ago, I got in my first car accident in 9 years since I’ve gotten my license. I slipped on some ice, did a 180 and smashed into trees. I wasn’t even speeding. Smashed it up pretty good, I was sore but okay. Since I’m a smelly poor person, my parents and boyfriend had to fix up my vehicle and I am driving it again since I can’t afford a new missile-proof car. Accidents happen. No matter what kind of car Edward gets Bella, seeing as she can barely drive this one safely, it’s only a matter of time. Sure, this one may be able to protect her better in the event of an accident, but still. It won’t prevent her from getting into an accident.

    I really think the Cullens are a bucketful of dicks. They probably did have a good laugh at Edward for getting his weak, human girlfriend a tank to drive around Forks.

    So Bella is looking forward to being a bloodthirsty monster for 3 years of her vampire life more so than the money and new fake cars she gets? Right. It still really pisses me off. She basically wants to die – she’ll be dead to all family members and friends (not that she really has any friends aside from Jacob) – just to be with Edward. She doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings but her own. It’s basically just like suicide. She WANTS to die. How is this not fucking suicidal in Meyer’s mind? Oh yeah, because Bella won’t really be dead. She’ll be a beautiful perfect vampire off somewhere (Alaska?) while her family and friends are in mourning.

    Yeah, I feel bad for Charlie, too. He has no idea why people aren’t more worried about Jacob, he gets fucked around a lot and he doesn’t know his daughter is preparing herself to die be turned into a vampire.

    As for the whole “Bella doesn’t have a cell phone” thing, I’ll be honest. I had just graduated high school in 2007 and had a pay as you go phone. Phones did have the internet option, even though it cost a fortune. But at least I could text and locally call people. I got my first real phone with a plan as a Blackberry for college in 2011 because I didn’t really need one up til then as I’d be long distance from my family. But I seem to be younger than most of you who wrote this lol. I’m 28.

    Of course Bella only talks to Seth for an update about Jacob. If I were Seth, I wouldn’t ever think she’s being a decent person to call and see how I’m doing.

    So, I loved a guy for like 4 years. He was my best friend and I was sure one day we’d be together but it never happened. I was upset and hurt when he started dating another girl after telling me he liked me, too. But I got over it. He’s engaged to her now and I’m in a relationship (17 months strong). Jacob staying in Canada and being a wolf forever is a really, really extreme reaction to rejection. And his family aren’t worried about his mental health? Jacob maybe you should get some therapy or something.

    It doesn’t make sense either, because Jacob was saying how the farther he runs from them the less they can hear his thoughts and vice versa. Does Jacob now have an emergencies-only wolf phone that he barks into?

    Bella can’t handle anyone being angry at her or disliking her for any reason. Sorry girl, people are going to dislike you no matter how nice of a person you are. I think I’m pretty nice, yet people dislike me. Shit happens, you can’t be wrapped up in fucking bubble wrap for your life and never accept any criticism – oh wait, Edward’s fake car is basically bubble wrap.

    Sorry, but to me, announcing engagement should be a happy occasion and you shouldn’t be worried for your parent’s reactions. In Bella’s case, she’s clearly nervous as hell and worried for her father’s reaction, which means that she’s obviously not ready to be married. Especially since she can’t see Edward’s abusive side and the many red flags he has planted in their “relationship”.

    Charlie expected this anyway, because even Charlie can sense Bella and Edward’s undying love for each other. That’s the hint that’s being given here, at least that’s what it looks like to me. Because most people’s parents (especially parents of young adults/teenagers) wouldn’t expect them to up and marry their first love.

    Bella’s whole weirdness about her being a couple years older than Edward is so fucking annoying. She’s not going to age much and the difference likely won’t be noticable at least until she’s probably in her 30s. Nobody is going to notice a couple of years. I’m 3 years older than my boyfriend and he looks older than me. So Bella’s fears of looking older than Edward are unfounded and just stupid. Even if she was 30, she’d probably still look young once she turned into an immortal vampire anyway.

    “Bella has never been a teenager”. Yet another person trying to tell us a characteristic of Bella that we have not seen for ourselves. Trying to make her seem better than everyone else, because apparently she is above everyone else so much so that she’s never been a lowly teenager. Probably because she had to take care of her whacko mom.

    And lol @ Bella and how she doesn’t want this whole wedding thing at all but was peer-pressured into it. This engagement/wedding planning has been such a joyous occasion.

    Yeah, Bella thinking about sparkle peen while Alice is fitting her wedding dress. Typical Bella.

    • “Does Jacob now have an emergencies-only wolf phone that he barks into?” is officially my favourite thing I’ve read this year.

      • Alicia

        Heh thanks, I try 😛 Or it’s just that none of this plot is consistent, it’s basically a mess, so I was trying to help myself understand why things aren’t making sense and it’s so terrible -sobs-

  • Koschki

    I was also wondering why a car company would be officially marketing towards drug lords and arms dealers. I’m also pretty sure that a German car company, famous for producing Hitler’s limousine would avoid any connection with these types of customers.

    There are different types of Mercedes Guards. What they have in common is that they are inconspicuous and look like your average Mercedes. Since most VIPs in need of this type of protection probably don’t want a car with a big neon sign announcing them.

    • “Bullet proof glass here! WHY NOT TEST IT OUT?” is definitely not what you want your car to scream.

    • Christie Greenwood

      As someone whose father worked for a German car company that manufactures armoured cars for diplomats, I can confirm that Meyer is, as usual, full of shit. That car she describes is pure suethor fanwank and no big automotive company makes armoured cars for gangsters. That is bull.

  • MarieBookwyrm

    I have to admit, if an adult person who’d been dating my daughter for over a year told me they ‘didn’t want to live in sin’ at Dartmouth, I would probably bust out laughing. That’s not a phrase I hear much, at least not seriously. 🙂

  • JA Jenks

    Did you guys know that a sex toy company made an Edward dildo? It was super pale and sparkly and you could pop it in the freezer. I wish I was joking.

  • Christie Greenwood

    I hate Suckass Seth with all my heart. Par for the course in every Suethor’s wet dream, a side-“character” is only treated benevolently if they lick the Sue/Stu’s boots appropriately, and Seth surely qualifies. He is treated by the Cullens like a dog and pants after them anyway, but he treats the only good character, namely Leah, like shit throughout the book. I hate everyone who isn’t Leah or the Volturi, anyway, but damn, Seth makes me want to murderface someone.

    Also, NOTHING HAPPENS IN BREAKING DAWN! Just so you know. It has no plot, but plenty of fanwank. Happy New Year! XD

    I have never been this pissed off at Stephie Meyer as right now, because I (for reasons unknown to humankind) decided to give The Chemist a shot and IT’S HORRIBLE. It’s the worst shit she’s vomited into the world yet. I am not kidding. That piece of crap doesn’t just promote “blondes are evil” and “abuse is love”, but it blatantly promotes “torture is love”. That is not an exaggeration. It is that awful. I gave up after 20%.

  • Blinvy .

    I feel like Bella hating her own wedding is SMeyer desperately trying to hammer in that she’s “not like other girls” but it really just makes her seem like a bitch. Not to mention it leaves this uncomfortable stench of “is this really what she wants?” It just comes off that she’s desperate and her judgement is clouded by hormones. She’s young and horny and that is totally understandable but she’s being forced into extremely serious choices just because she wants to experience sex and that makes me really uncomfortable.