Previously: Bella got a fake new car.
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Annie: We open this chapter with Bella and Edward whinging about having to be apart between ‘hot’ makeout sessions. Bella tells us how hard it is for her to remember Edward is a vampire. Not because he’s so perfect and wonderful, but because he shows such restraint for not ripping her throat out and drinking all her delicious blood until she’s dead, dead, dead. (K: Shame.)
Marines: I just want to shake Bella and yell that she won’t remember Eddie is a vampire when he kills her BECAUSE SHE’LL BE DEAD.
Annie: She opens her eyes to find Edward staring at her. Sorry, guys. Open-eyed kissing is creepy AF.
Catherine: Not one of the kisses in these books ever comes across as sexy. It’s always either close-mouthed, open-eyed, icy-lipped or he’s literally trying to eat her face.
Kirsti: Or it’s referred to in a super weird way. See also: the start of this chapter and “the whisper of our lips moving in synchronisation.” The fuck is that, SMeyer??
Mari: I think they aren’t kissing! They are doing lip-synch battles. I get it now.
Annie: Bella moans about how perfect and gorgeous Eddie is and how majestic and perfect a soul he has. She goes on about how he gazes back at her like she is dinner also has a good soul and is beautiful even though she actually is plain and boring.
K: Does Steph realise that “the eyes are the window to the soul” is a saying and not, like, an actual fact?? You can stare into someone’s eyes until you both die of old age. You still won’t see their soul. Just their eyeballs.
Annie: Bella is grateful that for whatever reason Edward can’t read her mind like he can read other people’s minds. Instead of dealing with her feelings of inadequacy, she pulls Edward back to her for more kissing.
Edward tells Bella that he’s definitely going to stay with her, but Bella insists that he go. He can’t miss his bachelor party! Edward says bachelor parties are only for those idiots who mourn their single days and he doesn’t.
They cuddle some more and Bella thinks about how this is almost perfect, if it weren’t for her father sleeping in the next room. But Charlie does sleep deeply, so he doesn’t know his daughter and Edward are in the next room sinning all the way to second base. Bella describes how she needs a warm blanket in the middle of August to keep her from freezing to death against her icy pole of a boyfriend. Yet five seconds ago, she was telling us she keeps forgetting that Edward is a vampire. You’d think the freezing to death thing might jog her memory. (K: YOU WOULD THINK.)
Mari: It’s like Stephenie is playing this game of how unsexy she can get a scene. It goes like this: They are making out in a dark room. WELL, closed mouth kissing. WELL, Bella is thinking about how Edward could kill her. WELL, he’s actually staring at her. WELL, she’s also thinking about her dad next door. WELL, she’s also swathed in a blanket.
So…. basically their lips are barely touching while they look at each other separated by layers? OKAY. COOL, GIRL.
Annie: Anyway. We finally get the blatant, inexcusable proof that Stephenie is racist:
“I never got over the shock of how perfect his body was – white, cool, and polished as marble.”
So all of you ‘Meyer isn’t racist’ people can just sit the fuck down and stop talking. It can’t get any clearer than that. Bella literally says Edward’s body is perfect because it is white.
I can’t express how much this pisses me off, and I actually had to take a break from reading. Otherwise, I was going to set the book on fire and I really don’t want to invest any more money in this garbage series by having to buy a replacement copy.
Catherine: As if we needed more proof that Meyer is super racist. Also, we’ve been over this but god that body sounds terrible. Polished? He’s polished? So he’s… shiny? Is she gonna have to rent one of those floor buffer things from the grocery store to keep him shiny after they get hitched?
K: I can’t even with this crap. Also, I tried to Google “shiny marble” to find an appropriately ridiculous picture to add in here, and Google was all “If you have stains on your polished marble, apply a thick paste of baking soda and water,” so I guess now we know how Edward will handle any Sparkle Peen malfunctions…
Mari: All well said. As I’ve just been disqualified from having a nice body by Meyer because it’s brown, allow me to add a final:
Annie: Okay. Bella touches Edward’s stomach and then presses the tip of her tongue to his lip. SHE PRESSES THE TIP OF HER TONGUE TO HIS LIP. Think about that for a second. Is that hot? Go press the tip of your tongue to your consenting partner’s lip. I’ll wait.
…It’s fucking weird, right? (K: Even picturing it is SUPER FUCKING WEIRD.) Not for Stephenie-I-don’t-know-what-sex-is-Meyer or her stupid character Edward. For Edward, this is foreplay at its hottest, because that was going too far, he’s getting too worked up.
Edward tries to pull away, but Bella spider-monkies herself around him, because she wants that sparkle peen so bad.
Her poking and prodding backfires, and Edward gets upset, telling her that he can’t control himself and he’s worried he will hurt her. With his sparkle peen.
Instead of listening to him, Bella tries to force herself on him, manipu-kissing him to distract him. As she’s kissing him against his will, she notices that Edward isn’t into kissing her as he was before. Now that she’s doing it to control and manipulate him and all. Awww, these crazy kids. They were meant for each other. (C: OMG the gross ass messages in these books.) (K: Can we set fire to this book yet??) (M: Only seven hundred 78983 a million more pages to go.)
Edward asks Bella if she has any second thoughts about marrying him and she tells him no. He presses the issue, asking her if she’ll miss her friends and family.
Haha. Does he not know her? She gives zero fucks about anything but herself. And the sparkle peen.
Mari: She literally makes sarcastic remarks about how much she’s going to miss her “friends.” She is the WORST.
Annie: Edward’s vampire brothers show up to drag him off to his bachelor party.
There is a lot of cliche dialogue. (K: “I’ve been waiting a century to marry you, Miss Swan.” GAG.) Edward tells Bella she’s got a Big Day tomorrow and tells her he’ll meet her at the altar. She tells him she’ll be the one wearing white. Bella tells Jasper and Emmett not to make Edward late for the wedding, and they promise they won’t take Edward to a strip club.
After they leave, Bella gets sleepy but not sleepy enough to sleep. Great. (C: Does that mean we have to stay trapped in her head for a bit longer?) (M: Yeah, girl, for seven hundred 78982 a million more pages.)
Bella thinks about how it’s her last night in her room and then she stresses about being the centre of attention at her wedding. She worries about the guest list and the co-mingling of vampires, werewolves and humans. Bella is worried about having Tanya, Edward’s sort-of ex there, because Bella has low self-esteem (and an unhealthy relationship with Edward).
Catherine: Also, remember that Tanya isn’t actually Edward’s ex so much as a girl that Edward DIDN’T hook up with in any way. Bella found out that Tanya had a crush on Edward at one point and he reciprocated in no way because of his eternal virgin, no one is good enough to touch the sparkle peen thing and Bella has been seethingly jealous over this poor woman ever since.
K: GIRL. If you are this insecure in terms of your own self esteem AND your relationship? Yeah, you probs shouldn’t be getting married…
Mari: Also because he’s been interested in murdering you since day one, but details.
Annie: Bella recalls story time with Carlisle about Tanya and her family. Tanya’s creator lived during the plague of the immortal children, which was some gross time in history when the vampires were turning babies into vampires. The baby vampires were cute and beautiful, but couldn’t be reasoned with and they went around throwing tantrums and murdering humans. The Volturi decided the cute baby vampires needed to be destroyed, because they were too dangerous to the vampire way of life. Apparently, not all of the vampire covens were down with the Volturi murdering their toddler vampires and a vampire world war broke out over it.
Tanya and her sisters were caught up in the mess, because their ‘mother’ had created a sparkle murder baby and the Volturi frowned upon Tanya’s mother trying to protect the child from the cull. Volturi Cauis wanted to kill Tanya and her sisters, along with their mother for housing the toddler, but the sisters and Tanya swore they knew nothing of what their mother did. Aro used his magical vampire powers to ‘see’ that Tanya and her sisters were telling the truth, so the Volturi let the sisters live.
Catherine:
At least it wasn’t awkwardly forced into a dream this time?
K: DUDE. YOU HAD TO SAY IT. That’s like saying “I think it’s safe” in a horror movie…
Mari: Or like saying “Trump will never win!” in a 2016.
Annie: Bella is finally drifting off to sleep, but instead of ending the chapter, we’re treated to a Bella dream! (C: JFC never mind.)
In the dream, the Volturi are standing around wearing their cloaks and burning piles of vampires. Bella approaches the Volturi and sees that they’re standing around an adorable, but terrified vampire toddler. He’s standing on a hill, with his eyes closed.
Bella decides she MUST save the toddler, so she rushes through the group of Volturi. As she gets closer to the murder sparkle baby, she sees the toddler isn’t standing on a hill of dirt, but instead, he’s standing on a pile of the dead bodies of Bella’s friends and family. Cheery.
The murder sparkle baby opens his eyes and they are bloodred.
Do we get eye colour mention shots for this one? Please?
Next time on Breaking Dawn: It’s either Bella’s worst nightmare, her wedding, or both in Chapter 03.
Fuchsia-haired, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, Raptors fan, sometimes blogger, music & social media geek, freelancer, human being. She/her.
I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
