Previously: Eighteen and pregnant.
Kirsti: Lucky, lucky me. We change to Jacob’s perspective for the middle chunk of the book. JOY.
Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella’s perspective is Jacob’s perspective.
Annie: See, I’d completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it’s still written by SMeyer.
K: Pretty much exactly my thought process.
Although I will say, the best part about this endless brick of garbage? Is the chapter titles in Jacob’s section. They’re hilariously awful. This one is “Waiting for the damn fight to start already.” Jake, dude. We’ve been waiting for that for the past 2,000 pages.
Anywho. Jacob’s pissed because Paul’s hanging out at his house, watching his TV, eating his food. Paul gets sassy, Jacob breaks his nose. As one does. Paul’s reaction is “You are such a pain, Jacob. I swear, I’d rather hang out with Leah.” Poor Leah, trapped in Testosterone Hell…
K: A full page of pointless crap later, we find out WHY Paul is hanging out at Jacob’s house: Jacob’s sister, Rachel, (A: Surprise sister?) (M: My first comment when we started talking about Jacob was whether or not we knew he even had a sister. Apparently not.) came home from college and Paul imprinted on her. We’re treated to half a page of “keeping the whole werewolf thing secret sucks” but apparently imprinting gives you an all access pass to knowing about werewolves because you literally have no other choice but to be in a relationship with this dude forever. Awesome.
Catherine: We successfully guessed that one last book. It literally does not matter if she wants to date him. She has to because he saw her once. Explains why Jacob is such an entitled asshole about Bella. Werewolves apparently think we still live under caveman law.
Annie: Women don’t need to give consent. We’re basically bags of flour with hair and boobs, after all. It’s gross. What’s worse is that I know it’s only going to get much worse.
Marines: So they brought in surprise sister to basically have a wolf love-piss on her and mark his territory? COOL.
K: Just what this book needed: more misogynistic bullshit.
Apparently Billy handles Paul’s increased presence by pissing off to the Clearwaters whenever he can. Jacob can’t decide which is worse: more time with Paul or more time with Leah. He jokes about putting “a bullet through my temple” because maybe dying is better than spending time with either one of them. Fuck you, Stephenie Meyer. FUCK. YOU.
Catherine: God, she loves suicide jokes SO MUCH. Even more than she loves finding synonyms for “cold.”
Mari: The preface for this section of the story was the quote, “life sucks and then you die,” followed by Jacob’s “yeah, I should be so lucky.” Stephenie Meyer truly believes that denied “true love” makes you suicidal.
Jacob informs us that he can’t sleep because he’s too busy anticipating the tragic story of Bella’s death. He wonders whether the Cullens will fake a plane crash or a car accident or a horrible accident. Because he’s convinced that she’s going to die in the turning process. He wonders if Edward will bring Bella’s corpse home so Charlie can bury her. Whatever happens, he hopes that Edward comes back to Forks so he can murder his face off.
Then he turns to wondering if maybe all the Cullens will just vanish without a trace. Or if they’ll all be “killed” in a tragic house fire. He wants to jump straight into killing all the Cullens, but Sam keeps insisting that they should just wait until the Cullens breach the treaty. After grumbling about Paul being annoying some more, he decides to head to the beach and OH GOD I JUST TURNED THE PAGE AND NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.
Fuck. Hang on. I need more alcohol for this.
Okay. Let’s get through this bullshit as fast as possible, shall we?
Jacob gets to the beach to find Quil hanging out with Claire. You know, THE TWO YEAR OLD HE IMPRINTED ON?? He’s babysitting, but it’s better than babysitting because he never gets tired of playing with the toddler he’s one day going to bone. Seriously, you guys. This is so fucking gross. (A: Yep. See? SO much worse.)
Mari: You guys, they even have toddler Claire baby talking about how she doesn’t want to go home and she wants to play with Quil all day. This is so disturbing.
K: And every time you think it can’t get more disturbing, IT DOES.
Jacob mopes some more, because he envies Quil and the whole having found his perfect match thing, “Though I did think it sucked that he had a good fourteen years of monk-i-tude ahead of him until Claire was his age.” Excuse me one second. I have to hire an assassin. And then round up every copy of this book on the planet and DESTROY THEM.
Catherine: Omg why the fuck is this happening? What did we do to deserve this?
K: I honestly don’t know.
While Quil keeps playing with the literal toddler who says things like “Cwaire pway wid Qwil aaaawl day” (actual quote, you guys), Jacob asks if he’s ever thought about dating. Because, you know, once Claire’s an actual adult who has literally no choice in the matter, she’ll totally understand that in the 14 years that Quil spent waiting around for her, he’d banged some other girls along the way. But Quil tells Jacob that he can’t. Because “I don’t notice girls anymore, you know. I don’t see their faces.” So… every conversation he has with a woman is basically like this???
Catherine: Heads up, Quil, you don’t have to fuck their faces.
Mari: True love means you can stop viewing other women as humans.
Quil asks Jacob if HE’S thought about dating, and he replies that he can’t see girls’ faces either. What the fuck is this plague going on in La Push?!
Just then, Sam howls off in the woods somewhere. Quil goes to take his toddler bride to the Clearwaters while Jacob sprints off to find out what’s going on. Once he hits the forest, he strips and ties his shorts around his ankle, something that I’ve literally never understood because, like, CANINE LEGS ARE NOTHING LIKE HUMAN LEGS AND THE SHORTS WOULD TOTALLY FALL OFF ONCE YOU’VE SHIFTED. But whatever.
He shifts, the pack have some pointless psychic conversation to fill out another page, and Jacob heads through the woods to physically join them. Once they’ve all arrived – including two new pack members, Collin and Brady who we’ll probably never hear about again – Sam says that something’s happened and hands over to Seth.
Seth says he overheard Charlie talking to Billy. Apparently Edward and Bella got home the previous week and Bella’s super sick with some gross South American plague of vampire sperm, so Carlisle has her in quarantine. Apparently there’s a profound mental silence when Seth finishes his spiel. Jacob wonders if the Cullens will let Charlie see Bella’s shiny white “corpse” or if they’ll bury her themselves.
He asks Sam what they’re waiting for, because clearly the treaty is broken. Sam says the evidence is strong but circumstantial and wonders if they should take the fact that Bella WANTS to be a vampire into consideration. Jacob insists that they have to take down their enemies. Seth asks what Jacob will do when Bella’s one of those enemies, if he’ll take her out himself or make one of them do it instead.
Sam says that he has to think about what’s best for the pack. Things have changed since their grandfathers made the treaty, and the Cullens aren’t a threat to them, especially seeing as they’ll have to leave town once Bella’s turned. Jacob snaps “Are you afraid?” and Sam asks if Jacob’s ready to lose a brother. “Or a sister? he tacked on as an afterthought.” Poor Leah. (C: If I was Leah I wouldn’t be fighting anyone for these dickholes.)
Sam decrees that the pack won’t be attacking the Cullens unless the Cullens attack them or a human. “Bella Swan made an informed choice, and we are not going to punish our former allies for her choice,” he says. I think you mean “thirsty choice,” Sam. But whatever.
Jacob bails, claiming he’s going to say goodbye to Billy and head back into the woods 5eva because what’s the point in even living if he can’t have Bella. He focuses really really hard on thinking wolfy thoughts to distract everyone, but the minute he gets home, he’s all “Hahaha, LOOPHOLE IN YOUR ORDERS, SAM” because Sam said that the PACK wasn’t going to attack the Cullens. But he didn’t mention “an individual acting alone.” So he’s off to fight to the death. And with that delightful curbhanger, we’re done. Huzzah.
Next time on Breaking Dawn: Jacob finds out about the insta-pregnancy and the shit hits the fan in Chapter 09.