Breaking Dawn Chapter 08 – Nopesville, pop. 4 Snark Ladies

Previously: Eighteen and pregnant.

Kirsti: Lucky, lucky me. We change to Jacob’s perspective for the middle chunk of the book. JOY.

Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella’s perspective is Jacob’s perspective. 

Annie: See, I’d completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it’s still written by SMeyer.

K: Pretty much exactly my thought process.

Although I will say, the best part about this endless brick of garbage? Is the chapter titles in Jacob’s section. They’re hilariously awful. This one is “Waiting for the damn fight to start already.” Jake, dude. We’ve been waiting for that for the past 2,000 pages.

Anywho. Jacob’s pissed because Paul’s hanging out at his house, watching his TV, eating his food. Paul gets sassy, Jacob breaks his nose. As one does. Paul’s reaction is “You are such a pain, Jacob. I swear, I’d rather hang out with Leah.” Poor Leah, trapped in Testosterone Hell…

K: A full page of pointless crap later, we find out WHY Paul is hanging out at Jacob’s house: Jacob’s sister, Rachel, (A: Surprise sister?) (M: My first comment when we started talking about Jacob was whether or not we knew he even had a sister. Apparently not.) came home from college and Paul imprinted on her. We’re treated to half a page of “keeping the whole werewolf thing secret sucks” but apparently imprinting gives you an all access pass to knowing about werewolves because you literally have no other choice but to be in a relationship with this dude forever. Awesome.

Catherine: We successfully guessed that one last book. It literally does not matter if she wants to date him. She has to because he saw her once. Explains why Jacob is such an entitled asshole about Bella. Werewolves apparently think we still live under caveman law. 

Annie: Women don’t need to give consent. We’re basically bags of flour with hair and boobs, after all. It’s gross. What’s worse is that I know it’s only going to get much worse. 

Marines: So they brought in surprise sister to basically have a wolf love-piss on her and mark his territory? COOL.

K: Just what this book needed: more misogynistic bullshit.

Apparently Billy handles Paul’s increased presence by pissing off to the Clearwaters whenever he can. Jacob can’t decide which is worse: more time with Paul or more time with Leah. He jokes about putting “a bullet through my temple” because maybe dying is better than spending time with either one of them. Fuck you, Stephenie Meyer. FUCK. YOU.

Catherine: God, she loves suicide jokes SO MUCH. Even more than she loves finding synonyms for “cold.”

Mari: The preface for this section of the story was the quote, “life sucks and then you die,” followed by Jacob’s “yeah, I should be so lucky.” Stephenie Meyer truly believes that denied “true love” makes you suicidal. 


Jacob informs us that he can’t sleep because he’s too busy anticipating the tragic story of Bella’s death. He wonders whether the Cullens will fake a plane crash or a car accident or a horrible accident. Because he’s convinced that she’s going to die in the turning process. He wonders if Edward will bring Bella’s corpse home so Charlie can bury her. Whatever happens, he hopes that Edward comes back to Forks so he can murder his face off.

Then he turns to wondering if maybe all the Cullens will just vanish without a trace. Or if they’ll all be “killed” in a tragic house fire. He wants to jump straight into killing all the Cullens, but Sam keeps insisting that they should just wait until the Cullens breach the treaty. After grumbling about Paul being annoying some more, he decides to head to the beach and OH GOD I JUST TURNED THE PAGE AND NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Fuck. Hang on. I need more alcohol for this.

Okay. Let’s get through this bullshit as fast as possible, shall we?

Jacob gets to the beach to find Quil hanging out with Claire. You know, THE TWO YEAR OLD HE IMPRINTED ON?? He’s babysitting, but it’s better than babysitting because he never gets tired of playing with the toddler he’s one day going to bone. Seriously, you guys. This is so fucking gross. (A: Yep. See? SO much worse.)

Mari: You guys, they even have toddler Claire baby talking about how she doesn’t want to go home and she wants to play with Quil all day. This is so disturbing.

K: And every time you think it can’t get more disturbing, IT DOES.

Jacob mopes some more, because he envies Quil and the whole having found his perfect match thing, “Though I did think it sucked that he had a good fourteen years of monk-i-tude ahead of him until Claire was his age.” Excuse me one second. I have to hire an assassin. And then round up every copy of this book on the planet and DESTROY THEM.

Catherine: Omg why the fuck is this happening? What did we do to deserve this? 

K: I honestly don’t know.

While Quil keeps playing with the literal toddler who says things like “Cwaire pway wid Qwil aaaawl day” (actual quote, you guys), Jacob asks if he’s ever thought about dating. Because, you know, once Claire’s an actual adult who has literally no choice in the matter, she’ll totally understand that in the 14 years that Quil spent waiting around for her, he’d banged some other girls along the way. But Quil tells Jacob that he can’t. Because “I don’t notice girls anymore, you know. I don’t see their faces.” So… every conversation he has with a woman is basically like this???

Catherine: Heads up, Quil, you don’t have to fuck their faces. 

Mari: True love means you can stop viewing other women as humans.

K: Obviously.

Quil asks Jacob if HE’S thought about dating, and he replies that he can’t see girls’ faces either. What the fuck is this plague going on in La Push?!

Just then, Sam howls off in the woods somewhere. Quil goes to take his toddler bride to the Clearwaters while Jacob sprints off to find out what’s going on. Once he hits the forest, he strips and ties his shorts around his ankle, something that I’ve literally never understood because, like, CANINE LEGS ARE NOTHING LIKE HUMAN LEGS AND THE SHORTS WOULD TOTALLY FALL OFF ONCE YOU’VE SHIFTED. But whatever.

He shifts, the pack have some pointless psychic conversation to fill out another page, and Jacob heads through the woods to physically join them. Once they’ve all arrived – including two new pack members, Collin and Brady who we’ll probably never hear about again – Sam says that something’s happened and hands over to Seth.

Seth says he overheard Charlie talking to Billy. Apparently Edward and Bella got home the previous week and Bella’s super sick with some gross South American plague of vampire sperm, so Carlisle has her in quarantine. Apparently there’s a profound mental silence when Seth finishes his spiel. Jacob wonders if the Cullens will let Charlie see Bella’s shiny white “corpse” or if they’ll bury her themselves.

He asks Sam what they’re waiting for, because clearly the treaty is broken. Sam says the evidence is strong but circumstantial and wonders if they should take the fact that Bella WANTS to be a vampire into consideration. Jacob insists that they have to take down their enemies. Seth asks what Jacob will do when Bella’s one of those enemies, if he’ll take her out himself or make one of them do it instead.

Sam says that he has to think about what’s best for the pack. Things have changed since their grandfathers made the treaty, and the Cullens aren’t a threat to them, especially seeing as they’ll have to leave town once Bella’s turned. Jacob snaps “Are you afraid?” and Sam asks if Jacob’s ready to lose a brother. “Or a sister? he tacked on as an afterthought.” Poor Leah. (C: If I was Leah I wouldn’t be fighting anyone for these dickholes.)

Sam decrees that the pack won’t be attacking the Cullens unless the Cullens attack them or a human. “Bella Swan made an informed choice, and we are not going to punish our former allies for her choice,” he says. I think you mean “thirsty choice,” Sam. But whatever.

Jacob bails, claiming he’s going to say goodbye to Billy and head back into the woods 5eva because what’s the point in even living if he can’t have Bella. He focuses really really hard on thinking wolfy thoughts to distract everyone, but the minute he gets home, he’s all “Hahaha, LOOPHOLE IN YOUR ORDERS, SAM” because Sam said that the PACK wasn’t going to attack the Cullens. But he didn’t mention “an individual acting alone.” So he’s off to fight to the death. And with that delightful curbhanger, we’re done. Huzzah.


Next time on Breaking Dawn: Jacob finds out about the insta-pregnancy and the shit hits the fan in Chapter 09.


Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.

Annie (all posts)

I'm a radio broadcast grad, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, and Toronto Raptors fan. Former graveyard-shift radio host and communications manager to the non-profit stars, now a freelance writer and communications advisor. I hate spoilers and weak tea.

Catherine (all posts)

I am a 25 year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.

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  • The Bad Slayer

    Go Sam for understanding Bella has a right to choose that she wants to be a vampire? I mean all the misogyny has blended together so I don’t remember if Sam has a prior history of assholeishness (to be fair, probably) but at least he got one shiny gold star.

    • Sarah

      Sam is the one who sliced up his Emily’s face (his imprintee) when she had the nerve to say she wasn’t interested in him. Oh, and he dumped Leah fairly brutally once he imprinted too. I suppose it’s possible he learned a lesson better late than never, but still…

      • The Bad Slayer

        You know they say ignorance is bliss, right? THANKS FOR TAKING MY BLISS, Sarah!

        No really though, I thought that was another character altogether.

        • Sarah

          I wish it had been. Sam acknowledging Bella’s choice here is is like the one brief light in the murk of awfulness.

      • Alicia

        So, it looks like Sam and Emily are the results of what’ll happen when an imprintee isn’t interested in the imprinter. But yet she decided to get with him anyway? Because #truelovedoesntcomewithoutabuse

        • Sarah

          Ye-ep. Well, not in-story of course. According to the Twilight Wikia after Sam sliced up Emily’s face he felt so guilty he begged Emily to tell him to commit suicide. Then she realized how much he cared for her and that she wasn’t complete without him. Relationship time! Because emotional manipulation isn’t abuse, it’s a sign they care! *gags*

          Aaand now I have to go drink having read that article out of my brain.

          • Alicia

            Ugh, omg. What is with this message of, “My true love doesn’t love me need to kill myself” sprawled in every corner of Meyer’s books, yet she still insists there’s no suicide in her books. Of course Emily eventually magically realized that she wasn’t complete without Sam (and her realization definitely didn’t come with any guilt trips from Sam or anything). I suppose that’s how manipulation I mean imprinting is supposed to work. It’s like,

            Wolf: I love you, human.
            Human: Sorry, not interested.
            Wolf: Omg kill me now I’d be lost without you.
            Human: Aww how sweet okay I’ll stay with you. I love you now for literally no reason at all other than I have to!
            Wolf: Omg yay! #trueloveforeva

          • Sarah

            No one actually commits suicide in the books, IIRC, which is probably why Meyer insists there isn’t any. But good lord, the threats, and intent to do so, when characters think they’re not getting what they want…!

            One could write a rather dark spite fic where Emily realizes she can make Sam her servant for life in revenge for slicing up her face and that’s the actual motivation going on there. It’d make more sense.

          • Alicia

            I think all Meyer’s characters have deep mental issues that she refuses to acknowledge, which is problematic. Bella – depression and a little bit of PTSD from what the vampires have put her through, probably all the vampires including Edward suffer from PTSD from the horrors they’ve seen and committed, Jacob is a pedo and into beastiality, I guess.

            I like that idea of the spite fic. It’d make more sense other than what happens according to Meyer, “Oh, you’re sorry for slicing up my face and you want me to kill you? Aww, I can’t live without you, our love is true and pure”

          • Jamie Miller

            There’s a wikia page for this steaming pile of crap?? Wait what am I saying? Of course there is. Fuck everything. You may need to drink the whole bottle.

  • Jamie Miller

    SMeyer did mention Jacob’s sisters in passing in the first book. He mentioned that his one sister gave up a scholarship and married someone from Hawaii, and that his other sister was at Washington State (on, quite literally, the other side of the state. 8 miles from the boarder of Idaho). I wish I didn’t remember that, but I can’t drink it away. So, sorry. Also I take offense at SMeyer and EL James dragging my collegiate alma mater through their terrible books (especially James).

    • The Bad Slayer

      Wow, I missed that one! I too have the attention to dumb ass details gene. Its a bitxh when all you want to do is forget.

      • Jamie Miller

        I mean I’m glad I’m not the only one, but oy we’re f-ed.

    • WHAT WHY IS MY UNIVERSITY ONCE AGAIN DRAGGED DOWN WITH THESE BOOKS I THOUGHT IT WAS BAD ENOUGH THAT FSOG HAD KATE AND ANA GOING TO WSU VANCOUVER sorry I’m a lil defensive because having my home state be the setting is already awful but when SMeyer involves my specific university it just feels personal somehow.

      • Jamie Miller

        I know, right?!

  • Victoria Wade

    I remember reading a fanfic or something with the premise of being a girl who the wolf imprints on who rejects him and isn’t interested. It was basically a horror story. They all kept her in La Push for her “safety” and said how she’d have to give up her college dreams because her job was to stay and be a baby making machine. Gross but genius in showing the true horror of these grim little imprinting plots.

    • The Bad Slayer

      Wait, you dont want to give up your goals and aspirations so a man can forcibly impregnate you? Whats wrong with you? Don’t you know real love and romance?

  • aqua_13

    Was the gagging suspected pedofile gif supposed to be meta???

    • It…was not. Mari just forwarded your email, and I want to wholeheartedly apologise for that. (A lot of news regarding TV actors doesn’t make it to Australia, so this is the first I’ve heard of the case. My reaction right now is…basically that gif, to be honest O.o)

      • aqua_13

        No need to apologize! I don’t think I would’ve heard the news had a friend not forwarded the story to me when it first came out and since the show isn’t on anymore I don’t think it’s on anyone’s radar.

        And, yeah, I had the same reaction when I first heard it, too.

  • Alicia

    Sometimes, having other perspectives in a book is nice, when a character gets too repetitive or boring, so switch to another character for a bit. In this case, it was horribly done and Jacob is made out to be a complete asshole, when he used to be …uh, okay? in Twilight and New Moon. Now he’s just a dick and I don’t like him anymore. LOL but notice how Bella always seemed to be happy and smiling around Jacob? Like she didn’t smile that big even when she went to meet Edward at the altar, until Jacob showed up at the wedding, then she couldn’t stop smiling and laughing until he got pissy about the human/vamp sex. Me and my boyfriend watched the movie and even my boyfriend pointed this out and laughed when Jacob got mad about teh honeymoon sex. But still, it’s weird. You’d think she’d be smiling and laughing with her vamp boyfriend/husband, but they are the most boring and abusive couple ever.

    Jacob’s chapter titles are completely weird. I always thought that even when I first read it. Like Meyer’s trying real hard to make him an asshole so that people can see how “amazing” Edward is by comparison.

    I feel bad for Leah, too. Surrounded by testosterone. They need more female werewolves to make it even. Not sure why they all have to be male except for Leah.

    Ugh, the whole imprinting thing is sick. Basically you’d have no choice but to stay, because you’d know about his werewolf secret and they would be keeping you captive so you wouldn’t tell anyone about it. What if Rachel already had a boyfriend in college, would she just have to up and leave him because a werewolf imprinted on her and it’s “true love forever” and she wouldn’t want to be with anyone else?

    I don’t remember him having a sister either, then read in the comments that she was mentioned briefly. But Meyer needed someone else in the book to find “true love”. Not that it’s forced or anything, because Rachel will fall for Paul the instant she sees him and realizes he’s in “true love” with her. -rolls eyes-

    I also really enjoy the suicide jokes and threats all through this series. All three of the main characters (Edward, Bella and Jacob) have either thought about it, attempted it, joked about it, or threatened it. See, it would be a different story if it was actually about suicide, and to bring awareness to mental illness (like my novels are). However, in Meyer’s case, I remember one comment she made about how she wouldn’t win a Pulitzer prize because her books don’t have suicide, pedophilia and other things in them. Even at that time, I was like uh seriously? Just because she doesn’t actually say the word “suicide” means she doesn’t have suicide in her books? Just because she doesn’t consider imprinting as pedophilia she doesn’t have pedophilia in her books? Let me remind her of several suicidal situations and thoughts her characters have had, and how she romantisized it:

    1) When Edward left Bella, Bella purposely put herself in all kinds of dangerous situations so that she could hear Edward’s voice. Then she went cliff diving by herself, and almost drowned, and it didn’t phase her at all, she basically admitted she wanted to die so that she wouldn’t feel the pain of Edward being gone.
    2) Edward almost committed vamp suicide by trying to expose himself in front of humans and the Volturi after finding out that Bella was “dead” after her cliff fall. The only reason he stopped was because somehow, Bella had enough time to take a random trip to Italy and managed to run into him just as he was about to show himself.
    3) Jacob threatened suicide when he wanted a kiss from Bella in Eclipse.
    4) Jacob jokes about shooting himself because he doesn’t want to choose between hanging out with Leah or Paul.
    5) Bella wanting to become a vampire is basically her wanting to be dead-undead.

    Yeah, suicide is never mentioned at all through the whole series. At least, the word isn’t. So it doesn’t count as official suicide if the word isn’t mentioned at all.

    It really bothers me that Meyer hits it over the head so many times that being denied “true love” means it’s the end of the world. Means you might have to -gasp- date someone else or keep trying to find real “true love”. Girl. I’ve been through five long term relationships. Currently in my sixth and most serious one. Oh, but my other ones were not “true love” like Edward and Bella, or Jacob’s one-sided “true love” with Bella, which is why I didn’t feel like killing or hurting myself when those relationships ended. That’s why I was able to pick up and move on to someone else after time. -shrug-?

    You know, if you think about it, the Cullens are horrible people. Bella wants to be a vampire, right? Yeah, it’s her choice. But she never once thinks about the people she’ll have to leave behind and the Cullens will have to lie to so that she can go on to live her selfish life with Edward forever more while her family and “friends” mourn her death. So the Cullens will have to lie to Bella’s father and everyone else about her dying and even have a fucking funeral. It’s fucking pathetic. Bella basically wants to be a vampire ASAP but doesn’t care about anyone of her human/werewolf people in the process.

    Also, lol I remember at one point in the books (I forget which one though?) the Cullens have a meeting with Bella where they vote on if Bella should become a vampire ASAP or not. Everyone says yes except Rosalie and Edward of course. So they want her to die and have to plan some funeral for her for her family? Sounds like the in-laws you’d want to have around. Oh, but don’t worry, they’ll cover the funeral expenses so Charlie doesn’t have to. -sigh- Faking death shouldn’t be taken so lightly as Meyer does each time Bella begs to become a vampire and leave her human world behind. “Sure, you guys can lie to my parents and best friend and other friends about my death, I just want to be with Edward forever”.


    How the fuck Meyer doesn’t see this as pedophilia means that she must be sick in the head. Quil imprinted on a two year old who he’s one day going to bone. Just because he doesn’t bone her now doesn’t make it any less disgusting or disturbing. And wait, basically they are saying that when Claire turns 16 she doesn’t have a choice but to bone Quil. By then she would look at him as a brother not a love interest. At least, if it were me, I would.

    So, I’m guessing like the vampires, werewolves somehow have eternal youth, too? Quil won’t look any different in 14 years when Claire is old enough to bone him? Also, what’ll happen when Claire ages and Quil doesn’t? Or somehow, when they are both the same age, they will start to age at the same time? I don’t understand. Pretty sick that Jacob is jealous over Quil being “in love” with a 2 year old.

    Also, him not noticing girls anymore makes it even fucking creepier. IF he’s supposedly not in the romantic love with Claire yet, just the brotherly love according to Meyer, why would it matter if he looked at other girls or not? But of course, Meyer doesn’t seem to think that you can date other people before you meet “the one”, as she’s hit us over the head with many times. If you date other people first, it’s not true love when you finally do meet the one. And as for Jacob not noticing other girls either, LOL. Okay then? You’re a teenage boy. True love shouldn’t even be in the fucking works yet for most people. But no, they is spesialz.

    As for Jacob tying his shorts onto his leg, remember that these are horse-sized wolves, so I dunno, maybe their legs are thicker than normal sized wolves? But still, there’s literally no possible way that they could carry clothes with them wherever they went to shift into wolf form.

    Of course, Meyer loves to name-drop random ass characters that we only hear about once and never again. I don’t know what kind of people consider this “good writing” but ok.

    Another bit to add to my suicide list:

    6) Jacob says what’s the point of even living if he can’t have Bella.

    And I don’t know how one werewolf would do against all those vampires. Sure he could probably take on Edward, but the whole family? Eh, I dunno.

    • Anonyme

      I thought Jacob was pretty cool until he force-kissed Bella and it went downhill from their. In the hands of a good author, the love triangle of Bella/Eddy/Jacob could have been written without the male protagonists treating Bella like a prize to be won and actually given that angle of the story some depth.

      • Alicia

        Yeah, I always thought Jake was a good friend to Bella especially during New Moon, and that how Bella treated him at the end of New Moon was pretty shitty of her. Meyer has said in her “New Moon Story” that she wanted people to like Jacob, now apparently she wants people to hate him.

        I agree. She could have wrote this without treating Bella like a prize, or a sack of flour. Not sure why those guys want to win a sack of flour though.

  • Sarah

    Jesus fucking Christ the imprinting. I keep trying to make other points about it but they all come back to Jesus fucking Christ the imprinting. Who thinks “I know, I’ll put child-grooming in a romance novel to show a couple is meant-to-be!”? I don’t care what Meyer or her fans call it, that’s what it is and it’s not cute or sweet it’s sick.

  • Ciara Milne

    They did mention Rachel and Rebecca in the first book, but I guess SMeyer didn’t need them till now because imprinting’s now the new thing and every werewolf needs a lady. Here’s a thought: what if a werewolf imprinted on a lesbian?

    • Jamie Miller

      Then her girlfriend kicks the crap out of the werewolves? I mean obviously not by SMeyer’s crappy standards, but one could dream?

    • Stephanie Gertsch

      Hard hitting with the biblical names in this tribe.

  • Joy

    I’m aro, and I’m all, “Soulmates can totally be platonic!” Except… Now he doesn’t see other women’s faces anymore and they’ve actually said that he’s waiting until she’s old enough to bang. That’s beyond disgusting.