Breaking Dawn Chapter 09 – This is a real book?

Previously: Babysitting dates.

Marines: The brilliant title of this chapter is, “sure as hell didn’t see that one coming.” There is a vampire sperm/mystical pregnancy joke in there and this is me making it.

Catherine: Omg. Mari, WHY?!?

Kirsti: -_- Pass the brain bleach, please.

Annie: Nope, sorry. I used it all last chapter.

Mari:

We pick up after Jacob leaves his wolf-bros, determined to kill some vampires. He tells us that his plan was to avoid his dad so that Billy wouldn’t tip Sam off. If Sam were to give Jake some other directive, he’d be forced to obey and he couldn’t murder in peace. But, alas, Billy is waiting for him, having anticipated that any news about Bella at all would send Jacob off the deep end. Jacob intends to just huff past his dad, but Billy asks him for some help getting inside because his arms are tried from pushing himself all the way home from the Clearwaters. Jacob jokes that it’s all downhill and he “coasted.” Billy says Jacob caught him; he was speeding home. Jacob warns that he’s going to break his wheelchair and Billy replies that it’ll be Jake’s job to carry him. This seems like it might be the casual barbs of two people used to living with disability as part of their life. However, written by an able-bodied person, “jokes” about dragging yourself around on your elbows if your wheelchair breaks makes me feel icky.

I will also freely admit that everything that Stephenie Meyer writes makes me feel icky. I’ll defer this to anyone who wants to chime in, especially since I’m also able-bodied.

K: It’s icky enough on its own, but when you add in the jokes about ethnicity and skin colour and mental health and killing yourself because the girl you like married someone who isn’t you, it all results in a garbage dump of ick.

Annie: Co-signed on the ick factor. I feel this is just another highlight of Stephenie’s complete misrepresentation of everything and everyone. Unless you’re a white vampire, that is.

Mari: Of course.

They switch gears and start talking about how there’s never any food in the house because Paul eats it all. Jacob grumpily says Rachel, you know the surprise sister that now belongs to Paul, should go live with Paul. This gives Billy feelings because his mostly unmentioned daughters tend to stay away from home because it reminds them of their mother’s passing.

Catherine: If Meyer is trying to make Rachel/Paul seem like a legit relationship, she’s failing. Mainly because she never shows them together AT ALL and it seems like Paul imprinted on her and now thinks he gets to just live in their house and eat their food. That’s not romantic. It sounds annoying as shit. 

K: SERIOUSLY. Also expensive, given how much these werewolf jerks seem to eat. (Meyer did the same thing with Emily, really: have a wolf imprint on you, get stuck feeding them and their “brothers” forever in the name of twu wuv. No thanks.)

Annie: The whole invisible woman, or even woman as prop thing in Meyer’s writing is infuriating. I mean, the main character is a woman and basically a bag of flour. Yet people argue that Bella is some awesome, kick-ass person that should be admired. No thank you.

Mari: Jacob tries to leave, but Billy calls him back because he wants to know what Sam called a wolfy meeting for. Jacob tells him that it was nothing– the wolves are just a bunch of “leech lovers” now. Billy asks if he’s leaving and by way of answer, Jacob says that Rachel can have her room back. Billy tells Jacob to take a break if he needs it, but maybe not to be a full-time wolf for so long this time. Jacob snarkily says that he might just show up for all these forced-love-connection weddings. Billy obviously knows that Jacob is planning to go get his murder on and tries to reason with him, but Jacob just pissily rips the phone off the wall so Billy can’t call Sam. RUDE.

Jacob takes his motorcycle, which he says is not as fast as running, but is more discreet. Tell that to Edward who ran to Alaska with a car on his back. (K: And to Brazil with a boat on his back just to turn on the air conditioner before Bella arrived.) Jacob gives us very many details about riding his bike to Bella’s house, complete with speeds and number of other cars on the road, etc. I do not care.

K: I care but mostly in a STOP TAKING UNNECESSARY RISKS WITH OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES YOU FUCKWIT way. Because we get a full paragraph of shit like “I nearly got sideswiped by a minivan, which totally would have bummed me out for like a week until I healed.” But what about the people IN the minivan, asshat? They don’t have magic healing powers, so maybe try driving like you don’t either…

Mari: As he gets closer, Jacob is like, “oh shit, I don’t have a plan and also the vampires will hear me coming and also Edward can read my mind.” He somehow reasons that none of this will be a problem because of Edward’s ego… (C: I mean, to be fair…) He’ll just confirm Bella is a vampire and then challenge Edward to a duel. After he kills Edward, he’d try to kill as many Cullens as he can before they killed him. Jacob takes an idle moment to wonder if Sam would consider Jacob’s death a treaty breach or if he would think Jacob had it coming.

Anyway, Jacob’s reached the Cullens’ house and it reeks of vampire, which he’s going to tell us a lot in many different ways. Carlisle is the one who comes out to greet him. Jacob wishes it were someone else because Carlisle seems so human and also he nursed him back to health after the baby vamp fights. Carlisle very calmly says this isn’t a good time, but then Jacob hears Bella asking why they would be keeping secrets from Jacob. UM, because he literally came here on a murder mission? Because any time you tell him something he doesn’t like, he throws a tantrum and becomes a full-time wolf? Because the last time you saw him, the idea that there was going to be sex during a honeymoon sent him into a murderous rage? I mean, take your pick.

Jacob tries to hear the vampire in Bella’s voice (??) but all she is is hoarse. (C: HE TURNED HER INTO A HORSE??) She invites Jacob in and there is this strange bit about how giving his back to Carlisle isn’t so bad because he’s “strangely gentle.” Yeah, that sounds like a crush to me, Jakeypoo.

K: First Edward was biting pillows and now this. Do you think Steph knows that basically any possible non-het pairing in this series has more chemistry than her leads?

Annie: Probably not because in Meyer’s world non-het relationships are non-existent?

Mari: Anything outside of sparkle p in v is so far off her radar.

Inside, all the vamps are gathered and Edward is some cross between livid, lit on fire and concerned. I didn’t make that description up, okay? I’m just recapping. Jacob sees Bella on the couch and can finally smell that she’s human but ruh-roh, she’s also haggard and super skinny. As Jacob watches, Bella goes green and Rosalie jumps up to position a basin for her to puke in. Edward is making whiny noises. Jacob approaches. Rosalie growls at him, but Bella calls her off.

Jacob asks what’s wrong with Bella and to answer, Bella has Rosalie help her stand. It takes Jacob way long to be all “her stomach is real swollen and she’s cradling it” and join all the dots to pregnant. In his defense, she’s way pregnant and homegirl got laid like three weeks ago or something. But here we are. And Bella’s really sick and Jacob figures it’s because the baby inside her is a monster, sucking on her life.

K: I mean, technically that’s what all babies are?? My cousin is due to have twins any day now, and when we saw her at Christmas, my mum was all “How are your teeth?” and I was like “Um, THE FUCK??” and that’s how I learnt that your baby’s bones are pretty much formed from leeching calcium from your body, including your teeth. Why the human race exists at all is totally beyond me… 

Obviously, this baby is worse though because it’s an insta-baby and that’s never a good sign. Or something.

Mari: Edward hears Jacob’s thoughts, obviously, and asks him to take it outside. Jacob thinks it’s fight time, but Edward tells Bella he just wants to talk to Jacob. Bella tells them to behave and come back but of course Jacob is just thinking kill kill kill kill.

Outside, Edward tells Jacob he isn’t ready for Jacob to kill him quite yet. Jacob calms down because Edward is very clearly tortured. Meyer of course uses Jacob to tell us that he’s not quite as tortured because Bella isn’t his to lose. It’s so bad writer of her to use these kinds of out-of-character thoughts to highlight her own end game. Jacob is really going to be thinking about how Edward’s hurt is much more true and pure than his? REALLY? Okay.

Anyway, in a conversation mixed between words, thoughts and mind reading, Edward confirms for Jake that the baby is killing Bella and she is refusing to have an abortion. Jacob thinks that’s so Bella. Edward is impressed that Jacob knows her well enough to know she’s pro-life, I guess, I don’t know. Jacob knows Bella well enough that this action seems really her. The point is that Edward didn’t guess that Bella was resolving to keep the baby until they got home and the first person she hugged was Rosalie.

Jacob then wonders why THEY DON’T STRAP BELLA DOWN AND CUT THE BABY OUT OF HER. WUUUUH.

Edward’s like, “yeah bro. I already thought of violating her will that way and Carlisle was with me, but some of my stupid family isn’t for it.”

So, there you have it.

Catherine: NOPE. What the actual fuck? Why? Why are we in this situation reading about them casually, forcefully aborting a woman’s baby why? Is it the year 1640? Did my time machine work? What is happening? I said this before, but the fact that Meyer sets up a situation where we have to root for Bella to keep a baby that is SUCKING THE LIFE FROM HER because the other option would be her getting strapped down and operated on against her will is bullshit. I was so uncomfortable with the Pro-Life message that this book gave off as a teenager when I read it for the first time and I’m uncomfortable with the fucking Saw movie vibe it’s giving off now. There’s so much to hate here. Especially considering what is going on right now in real life with abortion laws in America. I’m so fucking offended, Meyer. 

K: YUP. You can argue all you want that this book is almost a decade old and attitudes have changed blah blah whatever. NO. NOTHING CAN MAKE THIS HORSESHIT OKAY. 

Annie: EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THIS IS A ROMANCE STORY TARGETING TEENS AS AN AUDIENCE?!? Nope, nope, nope, nope, nooooooooooope.

Mari: And finally we end with the question I periodically shout into the void: how can anyone still defend this?

Jacob takes this moment to say that Edward should’ve left Bella with him. Somewhere, Bella’s ability to choose for herself is breathing it’s very last few breaths. Edward agrees with Jacob, but now it’s too late because they let Bella make up her own mind and this is what happens when women make decisions and have sex. They die. They die protecting babies because babies are #01. Ha ha ha ha ha get me out of hell I did nothing to deserve this.

Annie: It’s not a competition, Stephenie. We hated your character many books ago. You didn’t have to go down this path. You didn’t have to do it.

Mari: Next up on this hellish rollercoaster, Edward begs Jacob to help him convince Bella to abort. Jacob doesn’t understand what he can do if Bella already knows the baby is killing her and doesn’t care. Edward says that if Bella wants kids, she can have them. Just not this one. She can have other babies. “She can have puppies, if that’s what it takes.” 

And probably kind of racist.

Jacob is like, “…is Edward offering to let me have kids with Bella?” Somewhere, Bella’s will squeaks out its last wishes but no one cares and it dies.

Jacob knows this is stupid-talk, but that doesn’t stop him from fantasizing about banging Bella on the weekends and returning her on the weekdays. It doesn’t stop him from seeing her in his mind’s eye, glowing and pregnant with his baby.

K: Because Bella has literally no say in who she bangs in addition to having no say over her body or whether or not she keeps her creepy parasite baby? COOL, STEPH. GREAT MESSAGE TO SEND TO TEENAGE GIRLS. JUST THE BEST EVER.

Mari: Jake tries to escape his dirty thoughts, but Edward keeps insisting that this is a brilliant plan. Or like maybe not brilliant but it might make Bella falter in her resolve a little. Jacob keeps saying how dumb this all is, mostly because it won’t work, not because they are out here making plans to wife share without any real thought to what the wife would want. Jacob thinks that he can’t take more rejection from Bella and Edward says pain isn’t a high cost to save Bella’s life. Except in this instance, the pain would mean Jacob failed AND got rejected again so your logic is flawed, Edward.

Catherine: The fact that he even CONSIDERS this. I just…? And the real argument against it is “Oh, she’d never go for it.” Not, “What’s wrong with you? That’s an incredibly fucked up suggestion.” Edward’s baiting Jacob into helping him by suggesting letting him have sex with his unwilling wife. AND JACOB IS TAKING THE BAIT. THIS IS A REAL BOOK.  

K: The more you think about it, the worse it gets. Especially when you think about the fact that it was probably added to give the Bella/Jacob shippers a small glimmer of hope as their ship sank to the depths of hell.

Annie: Not to mention the fact that the ‘plan’ is to TRICK Bella into aborting her baby, by offering to let or make her have sex with Jacob to create a new baby to replace the one she conceived with her husband that’s slowly killing her from the inside? Ummmm. What the actual fuck.

Mari: Edward keeps begging and even throws in an offer to let Jacob kill him if Bella dies. They shake on it.

And we’ll just end with that always classic and wonderful thought that Stephenie Meyer wrote this on purpose and thought it was romantic and good.

GOOD BYE.

 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: Jacob makes Bella an offer she most certainly can refuse in Chapter 10.

 

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Annie (all posts)

I'm a radio broadcast grad, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, and Toronto Raptors fan. Former graveyard-shift radio host and communications manager to the non-profit stars, now a freelance writer and communications advisor. I hate spoilers and weak tea.





Catherine (all posts)

I am a 25 year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





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  • JA Jenks

    I just… I hate this so much.

    • You are in the right place, my friend.

  • Joy

    I wondered why Billy wouldn’t have a cellphone on him, but then I remembered this was the ’90s.

    • Jamie Miller

      And they’re smelly poor people according to SMeyer.

      • I’m surprised she gave them a house phone, honestly.

  • Alicia

    Yep, it’s all just a bunch of ick. Constant threats/jokes of suicide when the person you love doesn’t love you back. Joking about disabilities and skin colour and ethnicity is definitely good writing and definitely should have got published. Sigh. The only thing Meyer actually cares about portraying correctly are the white vampires. And, all they are is “perfect” in everything they do. Including killing innocent people, I guess.

    Paul/Rachel makes no sense. Rachel was literally brought back so that Paul could imprint on her and force her into a relationship, also give some tension between Paul and Jacob. Rachel is, “the tension that came home from college at the precise time”. And now Paul randomly decided to live with Jacob because he imprinted on Jacob’s sister, and is eating all their food. Human women in this story are basically side props, besides Bella and the female vampires (including the “bad” vampires).

    Jacob ripping the phone off Billy’s wall so Billy can’t call Sam is just an asshole move. Phones are lifelines for people with disabilities. And Jacob still thinks he can take on a whole vampire family by himself, that’s just stupid.

    Jacob takes a motorcycle to the Cullen’s because it’s “more discreet” than running? Uh, motorcycles are loud as fuck. The Cullens will hear him coming from a mile away. And now he goes on that he’s driving like an asshole almost causing car accidents. Seriously, dude. Stop being a fucking prick. It’s like he thinks he’s invincible because of being a werewolf and getting in an accident would only put him out for a short time, but who cares about the humans he might injure or kill if he crashes into another vehicle.

    Now he panics and thinks that he doesn’t have a plan. Yeah, real smart, going to a house full of vampires to try and murder as many as you can before they kill you. You might get one or two, possibly three, but if the whole family gangs up on you you don’t stand a chance.

    I guess Jacob thinks he would be able to hear the vampire in Bella’s voice because her voice would sound perfect and smooth? Probably, somehow vampire voices are now different than human voices. The only thing Meyer mentioned about this before is that the vampires can speak in super speed, also that Edward’s voice was silky like velvet. So…I guess that’s what Jacob means by Bella’s vampire voice?

    Yeahh, Jacob thinking that his torture wouldn’t be as bad as Edward’s torture if Bella died because Bella isn’t his to lose is totally out of character for Jacob. Jacob’s in love with Bella, even if Bella isn’t his. You remember the huge wolfy howl he let out when Bella left for her and Edward’s honeymoon, because Jacob was flipping out about the vamp-human sex? So for him to suddenly say that he wouldn’t hurt as bad as Edward if Bella died is just another way for Meyer to shove in there that Edward’s love for Bella is more true and pure than anyone else’s love for anyone ever.

    I can understand how Edward is frustrated about Bella being stubborn and wanting to keep the baby that is killing her. Edward doesn’t want Bella to die. But he should at least talk about her options instead of being forceful. In the end, it is her decision after all. And the fact that she’s only a few weeks pregnant but looking like she’s about 6 months along is pretty scary. I don’t think the normal human body could handle that fast growth of a baby inside. Bella said that human bodies could change and stuff, so that’s why she could give birth to a vamp baby I guess, but at the same time, most women are 9 months before they give birth. Bella gives birth at probably a month and by then the baby is fully grown. That much change that fast can’t be good for the human body to endure. Clearly, as we will see later on. But we’re forced to root for Bella to keep the baby because the only other option is everyone else wants to strap her down and get it out of her and this situation is fucked up.

    Basically, Bella wants to give birth to the baby and then die so the baby is motherless and Edward has to live with it forever and ever? Well, of course then Edward would probably kill himself for realz becuz he can’t live without Bella, and the baby would be without parents.

    Edward begging Jacob to convince Bella to abort the pregnancy and then go around banging Jacob on weekends so that she can have puppies? ….how is this romantic? How? I don’t understand. Jacob thinks he can’t take anymore rejection from Bella, so basically when she goes from banging him back into Edward’s arms. lol it would go something like this:

    Jacob: Here’s your wife back, Edward. I banged her thoroughly and she should be pregnant any time now.
    Edward: Thanks, man. I owe you.
    Bella: Yeah, thanks Jake, you’re a good friend 🙂
    Jacob: -runs away to transform into a wolf and howls in pain at the thought of Bella having his kid and Edward being the father-

    Also I’m pretty sure Jacob’s what, 16? He’s a couple years younger than Bella. He’d be a father at 16 years old if Bella agreed to their fucked up plan. Even though Edward would be taking care of the baby, but still. It’s all fucked up.

    Of course, Edward offers to let Jacob to kill him if Bella dies. Jacob wants to die if Bella can’t be his, but not if Bella dies, because Bella wasn’t his to lose? Jacob threatened to kill himself so Bella would kiss him. Bella wants to die if Edward leaves her. Sam begs Emily to kill him after he fucks up her face for rejecting him. NO SUICIDE HUH MEYER??? Just because someone didn’t actually kill themselves, though they have tried, it doesn’t count as suicide, right?

    Sigh. An adult woman wrote this.

  • Samantha

    Not only did we not know that Jacob randomly had a sister but I also forgot again before reading this recap. She is such a lamp.
    I can’t with the rest of this chapter. I remember reading this in the post midnight hours and getting more and more “…..no?” as I read it which is saying something cause I was all about these dumb books at 16. Ugh. This shit is so messed up.

  • Dacia E.

    I feel as though the “pro-life message” here is so much worse than just ‘women make bad decisions about their bodies.” If Meyer’s intent was to create a bland, generic protagonist that any woman can slip into to view herself as the hero, and the actions of this protagonist seem to be painted as the moral compass (at least on the surface), then what she’s really encouraging is the idea that the morally right thing for her female readers to do is sacrifice their health and their life for their fetus. Especially with how thick she’s laying on the “Edward and Jacob bad, Bella saint” vibe in this chapter. It’s saying that you are a bad person – the selfish, morally corrupt being – if you abort, even to save your own life, and it idealizes a woman (who the reader is supposed to identify with the most) who sacrifices her entire existence for her husband and progeny.

    I’m not in any way saying that women shouldn’t have that choice if that’s what they really want (key word: choice), but it sickens me, given that so much guilt is heaped on women choosing to terminate pregnancies already, that she’s putting that message out there primarily for young girls.

    • Anonyme

      It took me 25 of my 27 years, after being raised pro-life literally from infancy (there’s an old family photo of me being used as a prop in a pro-life rally) to finally realize that, while many people in the pro-life movement have good intentions, there is so much that is fucked up. You’re spot on–women who choose to carry a pregnancy to term at the risk of their own death are glorified and women who chose to terminate a pregnancy are vilified and considered selfish, though usually more subtly than to their own faces.

  • Da Bomb From Guam Mafnas

    I’m suddenly very envious of the parallel universe where Twilight doesn’t exist. And SMeyer is nothing but a nightmare we tell children to make them behave.

    • There, where President Orange does not exist. I like that universe.

  • Anonyme

    Um, ew. You don’t get to tell your wife (or any woman) what to do with her pregnancy, Edward! You do not get to pimp out your wife. GROSS.

    • No, no, no, but it’s romance, see? It’s ~*romance*~

  • BT Light

    I have a question for Mari: How are you reading this and After at the same time and staying sane?

    • Every Monday, when I’m trying to get Tuesday’s posts ready, I ask myself this same question. It helps that I have help, but it is kind of exhausting…

  • The_v_from_the_sub_B

    So nihilistic. So suicides. Great book for teens.

  • Christie Greenwood

    From Jacob stranding his disabled dad without a phone, over Carlisle wanting to decide his patient’s fate without consulting said patient, to Wardo wanting to pimp his wife out without taking her consent into consideration, I hate everything.

    Much more Jake Peralta is needed to make it all better again.

  • Victoria

    Everything about this book is awful and there’s no reason for it to exist. (There’s no reason for the other ones either, but we’re past that.) They could have gotten married and vamped her out at the end of the last book and been done with it. That would have been a perfectly acceptable way to end this nonsense. It’s just that Meyer wanted to prove that no woman is complete without a baby and all women want them/need them and must suffer to bring them forth into this world. Bella can never be TRULY happy without a baby. Also, Bella is totes the most super special girl to ever exist, because she’s the only vampire who gets to have a baby. A baby that her ‘best friend’/stalker gets to have sex with someday.
    Why did I have to write that sentence and why does it have to refer to something that actually exists in our universe?
    Also, I didn’t know about the calcium stealing fetuses, and now I’m going to have nightmares.

  • -_-

  • Blinvy .

    I hate that women are writing these books where their heros are always talking about what is best or deciding things for the heroine. And then it depresses me to my very core that there are so many women who eat this up as romantic and normal, to the point that there are women in support of taking voting rights away from women. I just…can’t. :'(