snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Breaking Dawn Chapter 11 – Everyone gets a baby.

, , and on January 23, 2017 · 26 comments in Books,Breaking Dawn,Twilight Saga

Previously: Edward offers Bella up to the having sex with another guy gods. Or something.

Catherine: Already going into this chapter, I can see a lot of wolf thoughts in italics and I hate this narrative device so much for some reason. (K: SAAAAAME.) You may remember that the last chapter ended with Jacob refusing a direct order from Sam, the Alpha wolf, and then crumpling on the ground. I believe those of us in the Pick Up Artist community refer to that as a ‘beta cuck’.

This is supposed to be this big build up from New Moon for us to finally see what happens when a wolf actually refuses the command of their Alpha but I don’t care about… any of this so.

Marines: You are one definitive step ahead of me because I don’t remember most of this. Build up from New Moon you say? Was that the one with motorcycles? I remember motorcycles. 

Annie: All these books have blended together like one giant manure fire for me, so… you have great memory, Catherine. This is such garbage. All of it. 

Kirsti: All I remember about New Moon is the terrible depiction of depression, and I’d prefer NOT to remember that. 

Catherine: Please order me one of whatever you guys drink to forget.  

Jacob manages to get up off the ground and Quil and Embry are relieved. Quil offers to take point for Jake during the fight against the Cullens since he’s been wanting to… uh, I guess, eat them? For a while. Jake says that everyone is pretty pumped for the fight except himself and Seth, who considers the Cullens his friends. Jacob is ignoring everyone else mostly and feeling like a puppet on a string being pulled along.

Wow, Jake, must suck when someone forces you to do something you don’t want to, huh? Like forcing you to make out with them? REMEMBER THAT?

As if Meyer is purposefully mocking us, Embry tells Jake that “there’s not point in fighting it” because they’re all gonna end up doing what Sam wants. *shudder* (A: I haaaate her so much.) (K: GROSS, STEPH. STOP.)

Jacob realizes that they’re right and that the pack has a leader for a reason but then he takes a page out of Sicky Mcdeadbrains book and has a magic ~~realization~~. He realizes that he is sort of like, the back up Alpha of the group because of Ephraim Black being his great-great-great grandfather and that means he could he doesn’t actually have to listen to Sam if he doesn’t want to? I guess?? It’s not explained very well.

Mari: That gif is GOLDEN. Wow… Wooooow. 

Annie: Haaaaaa, haaa. That is amazing. 

K: That’s almost as good as the RPatz gif I’ve had on my hard drive for the past two years, just waiting for when we got to Breaking Dawn. It’s not time yet, friends. BUT SOON.

Catherine: I’m excited. RPatz may even hate this series more than we do.

Anyway, Jake gets super dramatic about this:

“I had not been born to kneel to him. The bonds fell off my body the second that I embraced my birth right.”

It turns out that all he needed to do to become his own Alpha was to think about it real hard. The power was in you all along, Dorothy! Jacob then pads over to Sam and is all “No” again and Sam dog gasps. Where was our list of stuff that Meyer doesn’t understand as an alien visiting this earth? Oh, here it is:

  1. Dogs
  2. Gasping

Mari: IDK, I feel like that list is missing a couple hundred items but who I am? Just the girl that mostly remember motorcycles in New Moon. Carry on. 

K: My niece’s dog gasps repeatedly when she gets really excited, but that’s because she’s a fucked up overbred nightmare of a thing and her muzzle is too short to let her breathe properly. So basically, she has dog asthma. But I’m pretty sure that’s not what Steph is going for here. 

Catherine: Sam is dog-smacked that Jake would abandon his family for his enemies, and Jake says that the Cullens aren’t their enemies, and he didn’t realize that until he started imagining killing them. I kinda thought he’d already gleefully been doing that this whole time, but okay. Sam pushes him farther and Jacob says that Ephraim Black’s son was not born to follow Levi Uley’s. Honestly, who wants this pretentious asshole in the pack anyway? I would have kicked his ass out long ago. (K: Right about the time he started having Bella themed daydreams 24/7.)

So Sam, Paul and Jared all turn on Jacob and this time Jacob dog gasps and says that he wasn’t intending to fight them. Sam wonders what the hell he’s actually planning on doing then. If he’s not gonna fight them and he’s not gonna help them is he gonna just go home and watch Netflix? Good question, Sam. Meyer drops a bunch more stuff about Alphas in wolf packs that she picked up from .03 seconds of Googling and all of which, you’ll be tickled to know, has recently been deemed factually inaccurate. I’m not kidding, look it up.

Mari: If I didn’t already know this was a thing, I would believe it was false just on the grounds that Meyer believes it’s true. 

Annie: We’ve already long-established that Meyer isn’t a fan of truth or research, so.

K: Shocker. 

Catherine: Jacob says that he’s not contesting Sam’s Alphahood, he’s just ‘going my own way’ and I laugh because I was kidding about that Pick Up Artist thing earlier and now look where we are. Don’t Google, ‘men going their own way’ btw. For your sanity. Don’t.

Jacob finally says that he won’t stand by while the pack kills the Cullens and Bella’s freak baby and runs off. He starts heading toward the Cullen’s anti-choice aquarium to warn them about the puppy-pocalypse that is about to come down on them. Before long he hears paws running behind him and realizes that Seth is following. Jacob tells him to go back to Sam and Seth ignores him. They both realize that they can no longer hear the thoughts of the other wolves because separate packs aren’t linked and whoops—I guess they’re their own pack now.

Mari: So they’ve been subjected to the psychic wolf network this whole time and all they really had to do was think real hard about turning it off? Woooooow.

Annie: This has to be the laziest, stupidest bit of writing, ever. Me right now:

K: Pretty much exactly. We could have been spared so many italicised wolf conversations and “!!!!” if they’d just thought a little harder. 

Catherine: I hate to say it but this probably won’t be the laziest. We’re still only at the beginning of the book, somehow.

They make it to the Cullen house and Edward is already waiting on the porch because he heard them approaching. Edward picks up from their minds that Sam and the others want to kill Bella and starts snarling and freaking out. Unfortunately, Emmett and Jasper are with him and don’t hear the mind conversation so they start snarling at Jacob and Seth.

Edward tells them to calm down by calling them ‘Em’ and ‘Jazz’, two nicknames that ONLY come up in this book and get overused to the point of eye-rollingness. This isn’t how nicknames work, Meyer. You can’t just suddenly give a character a nickname and then act like they’ve had it the whole time. Just. Also, ‘Jazz’ sounds like ‘Jizz’ so you’re a double idiot.

Annie: Yep, that is actually exactly where my brain went when I heard that nickname, too. Way to go, Meyer.

K: I mostly thought that two small girls had inexplicably joined the cast, because it’s fairly common for small children named Jasmine to be known as Jazz or Jazzy in Australia… 

Catherine: If only. 

Edward starts ordering people around and Seth leaves to circle the perimeter. Edward thanks Jacob and says that he wouldn’t have asked him to leave his pack like this for Bella, but Jacob thinks about that time Edward asked Jacob to bone Bella so that she could have his weird babies instead and he’s like ‘Yeah, you would’.

Edward gives the other vampires a quick run down of what’s happening after, like, 5 minutes of them just standing there. Seth returns and both he and Jake run off into the woods to watch for the other wolves. This whole time Seth is adorably optimistic about this entire thing and keeps asking Jake why he’s so sad. It’s kinda funny. Look, I still like Seth, okay? I think he’s the only one that doesn’t fall in love with a baby but I’m probably wrong.

Mari: If not in the books, I’m sure there’s a Meyer Q&A out there in which she assures her readers Seth got a baby too.

K: It’s like the really fucked up version of Oprah: “You get a baby! And you get a baby! And YOU get a baby!!” 

Catherine: Why?! Gah!

Seth overhears in Jacob’s head that deal Jacob made with Edward about killing him if Bella dies and he says that it ‘sucks rocks’ which, you’ll note, is something teenagers say, like all the time. That’s SUCH a teenager thing to say. Man, that and ‘holy crow’ are two things that teenagers definitely say. Good job, Meyer.

Seth howls about this and Jacob tells him to shut up because that was the signal they set up for if the rest of the pack arrives. Jake has to run back to the house to tell Edward that the pack isn’t there. He overhears Edward telling the others that it was a false alarm. Emmett snarks about toddlers guarding them and Carlisle dads about Jake and Seth doing them a great service.

Jacob listens inside the house and hears Bella’s labored breathing and her heart beating too fast. He also hears Rosalie snapping at Carlisle about waking her.

Remember last book when we liked Rosalie because she wasn’t acting like some freaky Doctor Who monster whose trying to facilitate the birth of an alien baby to take over earth? Yeah.

K: Aah, memories…

Catherine: Jacob peeks inside the house and sees that the Cullens have moved Bella into a hospital bed and attached her to a bunch of monitors and shit. (A: Are they buying this stuff like Tom Cruise did? Or is Carlisle stealing from work?) (C: I’m gonna guess the second answer. Which is terrible.) Then there’s a confusing passage about Rosalie’s baby. Sorry, I mean, Bella’s baby. This one totally isn’t a demon spawn, promise.

Edward has a bad reaction and Emmett has to hold him back. Jacob runs back into the forest to find Seth and thinks that Bella is getting worse.

K: This whole thing reads very much as a “Don’t have sex, kids. You’ll get pregnant and DIE” analogy. But an anvil sized one that follows you around and whacks you in the head every couple of minutes. Yay. 

 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: We figure out what a baby vampire might be hungry for in Chapter 12.

 

Samantha (all posts)

I'm a 25 year old graduated English major who now works in a library and a bookstore in order to really drive that point home. I can often be found singing too loudly (poorly) in the car or spending some time (hours) on Tumblr. I am a lover of Harry Potter, the Spice Girls, and too many other things.





Kirsti (all posts)

I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and tweet about the random crap that happens to me on public transport more than I should.





Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Annie (all posts)

I'm a radio broadcast grad, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, and Toronto Raptors fan. Former graveyard-shift radio host and communications manager to the non-profit stars, now a freelance writer and communications advisor. I hate spoilers and weak tea.





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  • Alicia

    So Jacob was once hellbent on killing all the Cullens, but now since everyone else wants to, he’s decided not to kill them? I get why Seth doesn’t want to, they’re his friends. But Jacob’s probably like “Yeah I wanna kill all them except for Bella and Charlisle cause he’s nice”. So idk.

    It sure sucks when someone forces you to do something that you don’t want to do, eh, Jacob? Remember that time you threatened suicide so Bella would feel guilty enough to kiss you? See I find the thing with manipulators is, they are fine with doing it to everyone else. But when it’s done to them, they can’t deal with it. Or they won’t acknowledge that they’ve manipulated someone, like it doesn’t click in to their brains that, “Oh, I’ve done this to someone, maybe I should apologize and stop being a dick”. Nope. I’ve dealt with enough manipulators to know how they usually are.

    Lol, the gif is awesome. A+.

    Basically, Jacob thinks about his great-great-great grandfather and somehow that means he realizes he can be his own Alpha and he’s able to stand up to Sam? Okay then. Also, lol @ the dog gasp. I also really hate when authors write, “audible gasp”. No, really? It irks me so much to see this in published works.

    Also, not sure why they would want Jacob around when he’s thinking of Bella fantasies 24/7. That’s about the time I would have kicked him out, too.

    Of course Meyer’s research turns out to be factually inaccurate. I’m guessing she Googled for a few seconds, picked a random word from an article about this kind of stuff and made up her own stuff from there.

    Separate packs aren’t linked so now Jacob and Seth have formed their own without being able to hear Sam’s thoughts? Who knew. Meyer loves to make up shit as she goes, whatever fits for her current plot. I also love how all Jacob had to do was think really hard about being an Alpha and bam, he’s an Alpha and Sam’s thoughts are somehow magically cut off.

    Randomly nickname-dropping in the last book of a four book series is again more dumbass writing. I’m not sure how this got past editors. Like, seriously. I thought editors were supposed to, uh, EDIT. That means more than just fixing grammar and spelling mistakes, both of which are still present in this series. It means picking out plot holes and trying to make the story run smoothly. However, the author is supposed to do that themselves. I’m pretty sure Meyer didn’t edit at all before she sent Twilight off.

    Now Edward’s ordering everyone around, whatever happened to Jacob’s independency? That was short lived I guess. And ew, Jacob thinking about that time when Edward said he wanted Jacob to give Bella puppies. Yeah, of COURSE Seth has to find his baby love, because Meyer thinks that someone can’t be single and happy. Being single = loneliness and being unable to cook your own meals. You need a baby wife to do that for you.

    Not sure why Seth would randomly howl over the deal that Jacob made with Edward about killing Edward if Bella dies but…whatever, I guess? More false tension?

    I found it weird how obsessive Rosalie was over Bella’s baby. I mean, I get that she was deprived of having a child so I guess this is her way of…idk, making up for it? But still. One minute she hates Bella, the next she insta-loves Bella because of baby? I’m pretty sure that Rosalie was the first person that Bella hugged when she returned from her honeymoon from hell. Now they have this weird bond over this devil spawn.

    I also didn’t understand how Charlisle had all this doctor stuff (Monitors and a hospital bed? Really?) in his house. Stealing it from work or buying it off eBay, probably.

    Chapter summary: Jacob thinks his way into becoming an Alpha, him and Seth form their own pack and go inform the Cullens of Sam’s pack coming for them. Bella’s in pain from demon spawn baby that is slowly killing her.

    • Sarah

      I’m reasonably certain that at this point Meyer’s editor went “eh, fuck it, it’ll sell”, maybe ran a spellcheck, collected their paycheque, and called it a day. I mean, can you blame them?

      • Imagine actually having to go through several rounds of edits with this book. I wouldn’t wish that on most people.

        • Alicia

          Me as editor of this book: -throws it into a lake of fire- Done. Do I still get my paycheck?

      • Alicia

        Yeah, lol I’m gonna say they probably saw how well the other three sold so by this point they realized it would sell no matter how bad it was.

  • The_v_from_the_sub_B

    A lot of stuff seems to be happening in this chapter, but danged if I feel like nothing is.

    • Seeing as how I posted this just a couple of hours ago but I had to scroll up and double check what did happen here, I agree.

      • The_v_from_the_sub_B

        And outta nowhere the hospital bed and machines, even though Bella is already so jacked up she should have been in a real hospital a week ago.

  • Jamie Miller

    That was the big build up from Jacob getting around the gag order of not telling BellBell he’s a werewolf? Worst build up ever.

    I would also like some of whatever the others are drinking, because I want to forget, too.

    • Alicia

      Well, I think the worst build up ever is everyone getting prepped for the battle that never happens. A big bunch of nothing happens at the end of this book. I’m not sure if you’ve read it before, so hope I didn’t spoil it for you.

      • Jamie Miller

        Yeah but that keeps being brought up throughout Eclipse and this book, where the whole Jacob-could-have-been-the-Alpha-but-chose-not-to crap is never mentioned again until now. Whatever the case, SMeyer sucks at everything.

        • Alicia

          That’s true. She just plain sucks at consistency. I think this book and this whole series definitely slipped under the editing radar. Or maybe Meyer was so paranoid of them changing her story that she didn’t let them do much to it after she got a publishing deal. Between Meyer submitting Twilight and it getting published, she said there were only two weeks of editing. TWO WEEKS TO EDIT A 500+ PAGE BOOK?! That’s a bit alarming, at least I think so, considering how long it takes me to edit my novels. I’m going to assume the rest of the books got similar editing treatment.

  • Samantha

    Holy cow, Rosalie, why you gotta be so creepy? It’s super weird how badly she wants Bella’s baby and it creeped me out even upon first read in 2008. Everything in this book creeped me out first read. You suck rocks, Meyer, you couldn’t even get your brainwashed teen fans on board with this one.

    • The_v_from_the_sub_B

      And Rosalie was kind of cool once.

    • Catherine

      Honestly she gets EVEN WORSE somehow. Rosalie (and everyone) is terrible in this book.

  • Christie Greenwood

    Please, please, please do NOT like that little cockroach, Suckass Seth. He is a worthless little wanker who only exists to lick the Cullens’ boots and to shit on Leah. That’s all he does until he just drops out of the “story” (I use that term very loosely). He’s got his head so far up Wardo’s butt, he can use Wardo’s esophagus as a periscope. Oh, and Wardo still treats him like a pet who’s barely good enough to be in his holy presence. That is not friendship, and Seth is SO not worth your sympathy. He’s a slimy little bootlicker who pathetically pants after those murderous psychopathic Cullens and treats the only good character, his own sister, like crap. It’s the typical suethor tactic of having a “good” character praising the Sues whilst showing up the Scary Sue (who happens to be the resident voice of reason).

    #TeamLeah all the way.

    * inhales deeply *

    Sorry. Breaking Dawn makes me so mad. I even wrote a 400+ page spitefic about it just because I hate everything about that piece of refuse.

    • Catherine

      Don’t apologize. This is a fair point and one I hadn’t really thought about. That is pretty much the entire point of his character. Which is offensive and terrible.
      Also, link to the fic?

      • Christie Greenwood

        🙂 It’s just that I really fly off the handle easily where BD is concerned…actually, where SMeyer is concerned. I read The Chemist. It made me mad. Let’s just leave it at that. Didn’t mean to shout at you lovelies, though.

        Oh, you can find my spitefic over here: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11524075/1/Be-Careful-What-You-Wish-For

        It’s basically an attempt to force some logic into the Twilight universe. XD

        • Catherine

          Lol! You’re preaching to the converted, my friend.
          Yay! I LOVE Twilight spitefic.

        • Krendy Bluth

          I just wanted to pop in & say your spite fic is GREAT. I assumed it would be a quick one or two chapter comedy read – nope, it’s long & well-developed & awesome. I powered into it on a plane ride yesterday & stayed up late trying to finish it. It’s so engrossing. Your (much more logical) world building is so believable. I also like that you switch narration POV & that Bella’s short chapters are basically like, “huh I have no personality.” lol. Anyway, thanks for linking to it. I’m really enjoying it!

          • Christie Greenwood

            Hey, thanks for reading and sticking with the story! I appreciate the feedback, and it’s good to give something back to the anti community! XD
            I’m really glad you like it. It was my way of dealing with my rage. Apparently, a bunch of Twifans agree with me, which is surprising, but pretty great. 🙂

  • Da Bomb From Guam Mafnas

    Hello! I have no additional thoughts, as it’s all just co-signing to “This is terrible. Just terrible!”

    I just thought I’d pop in to let you know that all this stuff is terrible and I love you all for trekking up Shit Mountain.

    • Catherine

      Thank you. It is such a tall mountain and we’re dying.

  • Stephanie Gertsch

    “I had not been born to kneel to him.”

    Remember, Jacob finds the strength to stand up to Sam not through moral outrage but through genetic destiny. Some (the other wolves) are born to kneel and they ought not to lead. Others are born to lead and they must accept their authority.

    Yep, Meyer believes in divine right.

    • Catherine

      Oh God. *shudder* There are so many terrible layers to everything.

  • aqua_13

    “Also, ‘Jazz’ sounds like ‘Jizz’ so you’re a double idiot.” LOL. This reminds me of a license plate I used see a while on my way to work. It was an abbreviation of Jazzing for Life (or something like that – confirmed only because the license plate holder had something to do with jazz). The jazz part was abbreviated as JZZN and no matter how many times I saw it I read jizzin’. Giggled each time, too. Yes, I am an adult.

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