Breaking Dawn Chapter 12 – Blood drinking for beginners

Previously: Jacob formed his own pack because he’s an Alpha and he’s embracing his birthright or some wank.

Kirsti: This chapter is titled “Some people just don’t grasp the concept of unwelcome.” Yeah, and one of those people is Stephenie Meyer in publishing this abomination of a book.

Ahem.

Catherine: We can high five on that.

K: Jacob’s on the verge of falling asleep (because apparently no matter who narrates the story, we have to read about them falling asleep every 20 freaking pages?) after having patrolled all night when Seth starts howling. But it’s not the pack attacking. It’s Leah, who’s decided to join their pissy little pack so that she doesn’t have to see Sam’s big dumb imprinted-on-Emily face any more. Except that, like, she claims it’s to protect her little brother.

Jacob’s all “Um. You hate vampires? This is a vampire protection gig??”, and Leah points out that he ALSO hates vampires and says that she’ll keep her distance and run patrols and shit. All of this, I should add, happens in italics because they’re still in wolf form and having psychic conversations. Sigh.

Anyway, after another page and a half, Jacob joins the dots on the whole get-away-from-Sam thing, and Leah’s all “Look, I’ll stay out of your way, just don’t make me go back to Sam or I’ll murder your face off.” Is this entire chapter going to be “Wah, Leah’s here and I don’t want her here”?? If so, I don’t think I have the energy or patience for 20 pages of the SAME FUCKING CONVERSATION.

Catherine: ALL of these Jacob chapters so far have just been one thing happening per chapter and them talking about it in wolf form. I guess we should just be glad that they’re shorter than Bella’s purple prose-laden thoughts? 

Marines: I’m not happy about anything, honestly. 

Annie: Co-signed.

K: Breaking Dawn: 754 pages of Not Happy About Anything.

Leah and Seth head off on patrol. As he watches them go, Jacob tells us that “if there had to be three of us, it was hard to think of anyone that I would trade her for.” “Paul?” Leah suggests, because being a psychic werewolf makes it hard to keep your thoughts to yourself. When Jacob begrudgingly agrees, Leah says her new goal is to be less annoying than Paul. This conversation has taken – I am not even kidding right now – NINE PAGES. Think of how many trees died just for that one scene.

Annie: There is no reason for this book to be the size it is. No reason at all.

K: SERIOUSLY. You could prune this thing back to a third of its size and it would… still be a trashfire, but at least it would be a succinct trashfire.

Jacob turns human and heads inside. Carlisle informs him that Bella’s pretty much the same as the previous night and that Edward doesn’t want to leave her side. Jacob slumps against the porch, and Carlisle takes advantage of his exhaustion to be all “HEY, THANKS FOR LEAVING YOUR PACK TO PROTECT MY PREGNANT-WITH-A-PARASITIC-FREAKISHLY-FAST-GROWING-BABY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW!”. Jacob asks if Bella will survive being turned, and Carlisle says it’s basically 50/50 because vampire venom can fix a lot of shit, but this is some fucked up shit that’s never been seen before, so…*shrug*.

Jacob asks about the IV tubes and stuff, and Carlisle tells him it’s because “The foetus isn’t compatible with her body” (WTF) and that it’s draining literally all of her strength and it’s a problem because her body is rejecting every form of nutrition, including intravenous. So they’re basically all sitting around watching her starve to death. Jesus fucking Christ, this book is HORRIFYING. Like… HOW HAVE PEOPLE GIVEN THIS THING FIVE STARS I DO NOT UNDERSTAAAAAAAAAAAND.

Catherine: I refuse to believe that they have and I refuse to check Amazon so that I can keep my faith in humanity intact.

Mari: Oh, the people who have given this five stars come and FIND ME. On Twitter, on YouTube. They stand by all of their life decisions and would like you to know that a love story between a mother and the baby starving her to death slowly is just what they love. 

Annie: Well, because the problem is that we’re reading way to much into these books, and that Meyer isn’t being racist at all, nor is she glorifying abusive relationships, we’re just PUTTING TOO MUCH THOUGHT INTO IT. 

So basically, we just need to stop thinking. Ladies aren’t supposed to think! We should just stick to raising kids and cooking.

K: I just don’t understand how people don’t go “Holy shit, that’s fucked up” when that’s the exact response my fifteen year old students had when I pointed out that this series features an incredibly abusive relationship.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Jacob feels super angry at the stupid foetus and its life sucking powers, and then thinks to himself that it’s “Probably just looking for something to sink its teeth into – a throat to suck dry. Since it wasn’t big enough to kill anyone else yet, it settled for sucking Bella’s life from her.” I mean, to SOME extent, that’s what pregnancy is anyway?? (A: It totally is, guys. You lose teeth AND hair. And that’s the easy parts.) But this is hella fucked up, you guys.

Carlisle wibbles on about how everything would be so much easier if he could get an ultrasound image, but LOL NOPE, this baby is encased in marble and ain’t nothing getting through. He starts muttering about how it would help to even know how many chromosomes it has, and then informs Jacob that vampires are literally a different species to humans because humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes and vampires have 25. This whole thing is utterly pointless and a waste of perfectly good trees.

Catherine: Oh no, it comes up again. It’s just still fucking stupid when it does. 

K: GOOD TO KNOW.

Jacob asks what that means and… oh fuck no. Carlisle says that he thought it meant the species were completely different but the fact that Bella’s knocked up means “we’re more genetically compatible than I’d thought.” And then he follows it up with this atrocity: “I didn’t know to warn them.” Right, because what this series needed was MORE angsty bullshit about sex.

Jacob wonders aloud how many chromosomes he has, and Carlisle sheepishly admits that he has 24 because he totally stole some blood and ran some tests when he was treating Jacob the previous summer. Um. That… Yeah, that breaches ALL kinds of medical codes and shit, dude. That is totally not okay. At all.

Annie: LOL, science isn’t real, Kirsti. We’re living in a post-truth world! 

K: How foolish of me not to remember: alternate facts are a thing now.

He justifies it by saying that it’s because he finds werewolves so totally fascinating. And then… Then. We’re treated to this piece of racist bullshit: “Your family’s divergence from humanity is much more interesting.” DIVERGENCE. FROM. HUMANITY. Yeah. You read that right. Basically every Indigenous character in this trainwreck of a series ISN’T HUMAN.

Mari: Don’t forget, though, that while werewolves have 24 chromosomes, vampires still best them with that 25. I believe Meyer has absolutely  no idea what she’s even talking about, but she had to slip that in there anyway.

K: Nothing is better than The Whitest of All White People.

We’re treated to like half a page of them listening to Edward talking inside – asking Esme if she can watch Bella for like 5 minutes so he and Rosalie can talk to Carlisle. There is literally no point to this. (C: No one edited this book. Literally NO ONE.) Anyway, Edward comes outside and is all “Sooooo Jacob had an idea that might work.” Jacob has no idea what Edward’s talking about, and Edward tells Carlisle that maybe in focusing on what Bella needs to survive, they’ve been ignoring what the FOETUS needs.

Are you seriously telling me that not one of these hundred year old asshats with their 50+ senior years of high school didn’t think that MAYBE a half-vampire baby would want… oh, I don’t know… BLOOD?!?!?!?! SERIOUSLY?! NO ONE THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE. THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID. I WANT TO BURN EVERYTHING.

Catherine: Also Edward at least (if not some of the others) also went to medical school and was, of course, THE BESTEST SMARTEST doctor ever with a gold masters in body-ology or whatever. I think it said that in Midnight Sun or something? I remember that being a thing. So yeah. Two super doctors who don’t know how pregnancy works. 

Mari: Carlisle has the idea to steal Jacob’s blood to study while he was unconscious but couldn’t figure out that maybe a vampire baby needed blood? They spent one of the previous books going after a baby army and talking about how hungry they were all the time AND NO ONE THOUGHT OF THAT NOW? 

Annie: Guys, if they’d known this from the beginning, Meyer wouldn’t be able to build suspense or have a plot, you sacrifice characters for plot. You all wouldn’t make it one second as a shitty writer of bad abuse-romances. This is shitty writing 101. 

K: This is like the whole “Darth Vader would never have happened if Padme had just HAD PRENATAL CARE” debacle all over again…

There’s some minor debate about the best way to get the blood into Bella, and Rosalie’s all “NO TIME. Just make her drink it.” Jacob’s super grossed out, which is pretty fucking legit. He asks if they’re going to shove a tube down Bella’s throat, and Rosalie says Bella will do anything for the baby. Bella, girl. Sometimes you have to draw a line. Especially when THE SIGHT OF BLOOD MAKES YOU PASS OUT OH MY GOD THIS IS SO DUUUUUUUUUMB. I hate this book. (C: You guys keep reading. I’m gonna be over here puking.)

They head inside to talk to Bella, and she apparently looks like a waxy gross corpse already. Ew. They fill her in, and she insists that she can do it because it’s “Practice for the future, right?“. Dude. No. Nooooooo. Just stop.

She makes a joke about someone going out to catch her a bear, and after exchanging awkward glances, Carlisle and Edward tell her that the foetus is probably craving human blood so they’re going to use the stash they pulled from the blood bank in case she needed surgery or a transfusion or whatever.

Bella runs her hand over her stomach and says they should go for it. “My first vampire act,” she says. And with that, this TOTALLY POINTLESS PIECE OF SHIT CHAPTER finally comes to an end. Thank God for that.

 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: Bella drinks some blood, I’m guessing, in Chapter 13.

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Annie (all posts)

I'm a radio broadcast grad, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, and Toronto Raptors fan. Former graveyard-shift radio host and communications manager to the non-profit stars, now a freelance writer and communications advisor. I hate spoilers and weak tea.





Catherine (all posts)

I am a 25 year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





 

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  • Purva

    Wow, I can’t believe I used to love this shit! My mom fixed it a bit though. I recently found my copy of Breaking Dawn buried under a pile of old stuff on my open terrace. Mum accidentally left it there for more than a year and rains and dust made it a pile of rot, so that it looked from outside just like what was written inside. All the copies deserve that!

  • Alicia

    We can high five on that. -joins in-

    Literally all Jacob chapters have just been one thing happening and them talking about it in wolf form. Now it’s going to be all, “Wah, Leah’s here and I don’t want her here” for this whole chapter. As for Leah randomly joining the new pissy pack, did she have some magical “I don’t want to be in Sam’s pack anymore” epiphany and manage to think so hard about separating from them that she actually can’t hear their thoughts anymore? That’s all she had to do I guess, to separate herself from the Sam-inlovewithEmily-torture. Why didn’t she do it a whole lot sooner, lol.

    Breaking Dawn: 754 pages of NOTHING that all leads up to NOTHING.

    And you guys are right…there is no need for it to be this long. That’s another thing I don’t understand. When I have a good idea and awesome content, sometimes I get stuck at certain parts and can’t think of how to move the plot forward. Yet, these newish? authors manage to write 2000+ pages of…either the same thing over and over again, or a whole bunch of pointless crap that is mostly filler. How do they do it?

    It’s funny how sure Bella is that the vampire venom will turn her if she dies during the pregnancy or birth, and yet everyone else is “ohhh I dunno it MIGHT or might not work…”

    This book really is horrifying. Bella is basically starving herself to give birth to this baby who will more-likely-than-not KILL her during the birth. Meyer’s pro-life message is clear: if your life is in danger from a pregnancy, give birth and die anyway. The baby will be motherless, and probably live with the guilt that it killed its mother, but at least you aren’t selfish and sacrificed your life for it. Hoooolllly shit.

    A lot of people still defend this shit with, “It’s fiction fantasy, don’t overthink it! Most people don’t take it seriously, it’s just for fun!” If you can’t spot an abusive relationship in literature, chances are that you probably won’t see the red flags and warning signs if you get into an abusive relationship IRL until some serious shit starts happening, and by then you’re usually too far into it and it’s harder to get out of.

    So Charlisle didn’t figure out until it was “too late” that vampires and humans are more compatible than he thought therefore Bella is able to give birth to some fucked up demon spawn baby? Which is apparently encased in marble since no ultrasound can get through. I don’t understand this but okay, Meyer, make up more shit in your mind.

    Nope, definitely not okay for Charlisle to steal samples of Jacob’s blood and run tests without permission. Maybe Charlisle isn’t the super-nice guy that Jacob thought he was. ESPECIALLY with the whole, “Your family’s divergence from humanity is much more interesting”. I think what she meant was the humans turning into werewolves (divergence from humanity) but she worded it totally wrong? Idk, but how the editors didn’t be like, “Um Meyer that sounds totally racist maybe you should change it or take it out”.

    I can’t see how anyone could have “edited” this book. It’s just a pile of horse shit. But at least horse shit is useful for fertilizing the fields. So…this book is literally more useless than a pile of horse shit?

    I thought it stupid that they were all standing around wondering what a half vampire-half human baby would want and letting Bella starve for God knows how long. Gee I wonder, with all your fucking doctor’s degrees Charlisle and Edward, plus all of their 500+ times of graduating high school and their over 100 years on this planet…and they couldn’t figure out what a half vamp baby wants to eat?? Sigh.

    And Bella, who was once so afraid of blood she passed out at the sight and smell of it, NOW WANTS TO DRINK IT BECAUSE SHE’LL DO ANYTHING FOR THE DEMON SPAWN THAT IS KILLING HER. Ugh. This is pro-life shoved in our faces. Wait til you see her reaction to drinking the blood.

    • Honestly, I’m not convinced anybody DID edit this book. It’s twice as long as it needs to be, and there are like 5 chapters towards the end where it completely loses momentum and the whole story grinds to a halt.

      • Alicia

        The only explanation is that nobody edited this book. I’d be so embarrassed if this were my final version to be published. I’d probably take 500 years to edit.

  • BT Light

    Sorry, I’m confused. Why is the title of this chapter “Some people just don’t grasp the concept of unwelcome”? Are we talking about Leah? Coz it didn’t seem like she was a major focus of this chapter (though I appreciate that your summaries are highly abbreviated). So… the creepy baby?

    • Yeah, it’s definitely referring to Leah. This chapter’s like 20 pages long and the first half of that is basically just Jacob being all “Ugh, Leah’s the worst. GO AWAY, LEAH.” So.

      • Anonyme

        When I first read BD, I thought that Smyer was setting up Jacob with Leah by having them hate each other at first and then eventually realize they really do like each other. I’m not a Jake/Leah shipper but holy hell it would be so much better than Jacob falling in love with his (sort of) ex-girlfriend’s baby. Eww.

  • Sarah

    I keep being reminded of the old joke: “What do you call the person who graduated last in their class from med school? Doctor.” I know we’re probably supposed to believe that Carlisle and Eddie graduated so amazingly high at the top of their classes that they remain legends to this day, but the only word we have for any of the Cullens’ accomplishments is the Cullens. I refused to believe they wouldn’t bribe, cheat, or lie their way about or into their degrees, especially given the degree of competence we’re seeing here.

    • Completely legit. Also, surely if they’re trying to STAY UNDER THE RADAR SO AS NOT TO BE OUTED AS VAMPIRES, they’d do their best *not* to be top of the class???

      • Sarah

        Rationally, yes, but Meyer can never let her characters be less than the best and most envied at anything. Besides, it’s not like the Cullens ever do anything BUT call attention to themselves – “oh, we’ll live in our mansion and drive our pricey cars whilst wearing designer clothes we only wear once and SURELY we shall blend in perfectly for is this not what humans do?” No, sparkledouches, it is not.

  • Meredith Palmer

    How does someone biting you give every cell in your body two extra chromosomes? That’s not how any of this works Stephanie Meyer. Good god this book is so dumb.

  • Anonyme

    I actually liked Leah a lot, her personality is similar to Rosalie’s before Rosalie jumped on the “OMG I LOVE BELLA AND WILL STOP BEING AN AWESOME BITCH” train.

  • Christie Greenwood

    This chapter could also be called “Let’s Shit on Leah”. The amount of abuse that she goes through is staggering and quite disgusting. Not only is it super offensive, but she also is about the only character who dares call out Bell-Bell at all. SMeyer is nothing but an immature suethor who needed to create a Scary Sue who’ll be meeeeeean to her Head Sue, only to be shown up, punished, and humiliated by the rest of the cast. The problem is, Leah actually says things that make sense and is the only character we antis can actually latch onto. That’s the problem with bad fanfic (which is basically the style SMeyer writes in): you have the “good” characters who suck up to the Sue and are therefore deemed worthy, and the “bad” characters, who dislike the Sue and get punished for it. Suckass Seth, a “good” character who’s only there to lick the Cullens’ boots, gets rewarded by being portrayed positively. Leah, the Scary Sue, gets dumped on and goes through a trauma / humiliation conga, only to unceremoniously disappear from the “story”. It would make her sympathetic even if she didn’t make sense, but she does, and I love her.

  • Terrible_Person

    Long-time reader, first time commenting. I’m delurking just because I need to share the horrific idea I got from that chromossome convo. I think this might actually be SMeyer idea of foreshadowing. It started out stupid enough with the idea that vampire venom gives you extra chromossomes, but then I started doing the math. Humans have 23 pairs of chromossomes (total of 46), so I assume she meant vampires have 25 pairs (total 50), which means the baby will have a total of 48 (23 from Bella and 25 from Edward). Then she tells us that Jacob has 24 chr – again, I’m assuming she meant pairs, so total is… wait for it… 48. See any compatibility there? *wink wink*

    *SCREAMS INTERNALLY*

    • The Bad Slayer

      OMG. Mind blown. I move the theory be accepted!

  • Da Bomb From Guam Mafnas

    I felt really violated upon reading that Carlisle had stolen some of Jacob’s blood and said it was because werewolves fascinate him. All manner of horrific experiments were conducted upon POC in this country in order to further the “advancement” of White, Western science and medicine. See intentionally injecting and/or not treating African American males with syphilis for almost forty years; monstrosities committed on the bodies of Black female slaves to get gynecology; forced sterilization of Puerto Rican women/Native women to get birth control; the list goes on.

    The point being that there have been a ton of shit done to POC that could never have been done to a White person–which makes the whole “informed consent” thing all the more problematic. And Carlisle just taking and then admitting he took Jacob’s blood without his knowledge or consent makes me want to murder Smeyer’s fucking face off. Come at me with that fucking chromosome bullshit, Smeyer, I fucking dare you.

  • The_v_from_the_sub_B

    I hate you, Terrible Person, for showing us SMeyer’s stupid damned reasoning!

    • Terrible_Person

      I kinda hate myself for even thinking it, so I can sympathize

  • Stephanie Gertsch

    Does Carlisle mean that both vampires and werewolves diverge from humanity but he’s been studying vamps for a while already so wolves are a new and more interesting field for him? His comment sort of reads like both monsters diverge from normal humans.

  • Lynx0526

    Huh. Two supposedly educated men having no idea how women’s bodies or pregnancy work? Sounds like the most uncomfortably realistic thing Meyer’s written so far, actually…

  • Mae

    Long time reader delurking here…
    Am I the only one who’s disgusted by the fact that Jacob and Seth are running themselves ragged out in the elements all night long while the Cullens (who can’t sleep and have no need of rest) just sit on their butts and stare at Bella inside their mansion? That reeks of more of Meyer’s latent racism.

    And the science fail in this chapter damn near broke me. That’s not how genetics works!!

    • Alicia

      Wow, I never thought about that, but you’re right. Meyer just keeps digging herself into plotholes and doesn’t even notice. If the sac is unable to be penetrated via ultrasound, how is the thing bruising Bella from the inside? How can she feel it kicking and moving around? I also wondered how her uterus could hold a marble sac inside it with the weight of the baby without collapsing. And where did the marble sac even come from? Human bodies don’t produce marble sacs during pregnancy. Did the vampire baby magically create it around her as she was developing at super speed?

      • Mae

        Well, there is a condition known as a lithopedion. It’s incredibly rare, but if a fetus dies in an abdominal pregnancy, the woman’s body will sort of wall it off with layers of calcified tissue until it becomes encased in a stone like material. Obviously, this only happens if the fetus is already dead so having a living fetus in a bowling ball still makes zero sense.

        As for the vampire baby making it, that still makes no sense. If it’s vampire tissue, then it has venom in it. So technically, the fetus should have turned Bella into a vampire already with all that vampire tissue and venom running through her system. Basically, Meyer fails at science forever even the science she makes up.

        • Alicia

          Yeah, I’ve heard of that. I think it’s also called “stone baby”. But like you said, it only happens if the fetus is already dead, not while it’s still alive.

          I never thought of that, either. If the baby was formed from vampire venom as Meyer insists it was, the venom should have spread through Bella, too. So, how Bella manages to stay human and not be turned while she’s pregnant is again another mystery. Here’s how Meyer constantly tries to explain away her plotholes:

          “Now, on to the “how is this possible?” question. First of all, of course it’s not possible. None of this story is possible. It’s a fantasy story about creatures that don’t actually exist.” That’s pretty obvious, Meyer. I think everyone knows that. But if you’re going to make something up, at least, you know, TRY to have it make some sort of sense? For the love of God, it’s not hard to make up fantasy that MAKES SENSE in its own fantasy world. I’ve read other fantasy novels that make much more fucking sense than this mess.

          And here’s how she explains boners:

          “The normal reactions of arousal are still present in vampires, made possible by venom-related fluids that cause tissues to react similarly as they do to an influx of blood.”

          Venom-related fluids. So…there is venom in those fluids? If so, how come Bella didn’t turn when Edward released his vampire swimmers inside her? Or does the venom have to be injected straight into the blood stream? I’m still confused.

          • Mae

            Yeah, her vampire sex will never make sense to me. No heartbeat, no blood pressure, no boners. Everyone who’s even been through middle school sex ed knows that’s how it works. And even if the venom has to go into the bloodstream, screwing a icy diamond penis should cause enough vaginal abrasions for the venom to get into the capillary system at the very least.

            And it drives me crazy when authors just throw up their hands and say, ‘don’t think about what I wrote because none of it is possible.’ Part of their job is to *make it seem possible*, right? I write historical fantasy for fun but I still think of whether what i write is scientifically possible, even if said scientific theories aren’t actually known in the fictional world.

  • Kristen Tabor

    I think the two vampire doctors have no clue about pregnancies because they’re men. They still get to make decisions on what Bella does with her body, without her consent or even talking to her about it, so…. par for the course as far as men making big health decisions for women.