Previously: Steve Irwin’s worst nightmare. Too soon?
—
The Waters of Mars
Kirsti: I’m going to be upfront about this – I’ve only ever seen this episode once because it scared the living shit out of me while also being not great. So… that’s something to look forward to?
Marines: Well, if it helps, I actually thought this episode was great and hands down the best of the Tennant specials we’ve seen so far. It is also terrifying, though, so 2/2 Snark Ladies agree on that.
K: THE SNARK LADIES DIVIDED BUT ALSO UNITED. CONFUSION ABOUNDS.
We open with a staticky shot of a young mother and her baby. They’re recording a video message for the young mother’s mother (this is already confusing), who’s been off somewhere for two years. Young Mother’s Mother begs her recorded daughter to talk faster because the signal is cutting out. It’s a lot like me when I yell at the internet to hurry up, except not.
Meanwhile, the TARDIS vworp vworps onto Mars. The Doctor pops out in his “Impossible Planet” spacesuit and goes for a wander. Elsewhere, Russian Mark Watney (what, you didn’t expect us to make The Martian jokes?) steps through an airlock and onto the surface of Mars. He even puts up a jokey “No Trespassers” sign to emphasise that he’s Russian Mark Watney. Inside, a guy I know from decades of Australian crime dramas (including, but not limited to Water Rats, Blue Heelers, White Collar Blue and Underbelly) tells him to quit mucking around because he’s wasting oxygen. Young Mother’s Mother tells them all to get back to work.
Outside, the Doctor stares down at the Martian base with excitement. Then he gets arrested by the love child of C-3PO and a Dalek.
DOO WEE OOO!!!
After the credits, Young Mother’s Mother has the Doctor at gunpoint and demands to know his name, rank and intention. “The Doctor, Doctor, fun,” he replies.
Cut to the Mark Watney Memorial Veggie Garden. Look, there are two crew members tending to the plants they’re growing on the surface of Mars. What else was I meant to call it?! (M: Shhh, Kirsti, it’s okay. You’re fine.) A guy with shaggy shoulder length hair marvels at their shiny shiny carrots, which are completely dirt free, despite having JUST BEEN PULLED OUT OF THE GROUND and proceeds to wash them off.
He takes a bite of carrot as we cut to his co-gardener, Maggie. She rambles on about how she thinks if there’s someone else on Mars, the Philippines must be responsible. In the background, we see him fall to his knees and start shaking, as though having a seizure. Meanwhile, Maggie continues rambling about how it’ll be worth it to see Adelaide (YMM)’s face when someone steals her thunder. Eventually, the lack of response makes her turn and check on her crewmate. He spins around, revealing a cracked face, water pouring from his mouth.
She screams, (M: ME TOO) and the zoomy cameraman pans over the Mark Watney Memorial Veggie Garden.
Back in the main crew area, they’re still trying to work out who the Doctor is working for. He agrees at random with one of their statements and then asks who they are. Adelaide gets all “EXCUSE YOU?” and says they’re the first off world colonists in history and that EVERYONE knows who they are. The Doctor’s all “Whaaaaaaaa???” and then has a fanboy moment when he realises that he’s on Bowie Base One, “founded July 1st 2058.” I stop to have a little feelsy moment over the fact that they named the base after David Bowie.
We get a flash of what looks like a Wikipedia page about the expedition, and the Doctor asks how long they’ve been there. 17 months, Adelaide tells him. He names each of the characters from his handy dandy Wikipedia page memory, and we get flashes of their individual entry pages, each of which says that they died in 2059. The Doctor asks for the exact date. Adelaide tells him it’s 21st November 2059. The Doctor looks panicked and we get a flash of yet another Wikipedia page, this one saying that the world is in mourning following the destruction of Bowie Base One. On 21st November 2059. Womp.
The Doctor apologises “with all of my hearts”, saying that it’s one of those times when he has no choice but to leave. JUST LIKE POMPEII, HUH?? He shakes everyone’s hands enthusiastically, saying that it was an honour to meet them. He turns to leave, then gets all “WAIT, THERE SHOULD BE TWO MORE.”
Token Australian smirks and heads over to the computer to hail Maggie and her nightmare fuel companion in the Mark Watney Memorial Veggie Garden. A gargly roar comes over the speakers in response. Token Australian tries to get the cameras up in the garden, but they’re not working. The exterior cameras show that the lights are going out. The Doctor’s all “OKAY BYEEEEE” but Adelaide orders one of the crew to lock up his spacesuit. She snaps that this started when he showed up, so he’s not going anywhere. This, son, is why you need a companion with you to be all “Oh, the first Martian colony was lost in a nuclear explosion? COOL, NEVER TAKE ME THERE.”
Mari: This is so true it hurts.
K: Sorry.
Aaaaaanyway. The Doctor, Adelaide, and the crew doctor head towards the garden, with the love child of C-3PO and a Dalek trailing after them. The robot’s name, incidentally, is Gadget and it’s indescribably annoying because all it does it say “Gadget Gadget!” in a robotic voice. It’s operated from afar by the youngest member of the Mars expedition, who I could swear I know from something but LOL NOPE he’s only been in about three things besides this (one of which is an episode of Gotham). (M: Then I should know him! But I don’t because I washed that show from my brain.) (K: Self preservation, girl.) He and the Doctor bicker about robots to fill in the walk.
Robot-talk over, the Doctor asks Adelaide if coming to Mars was worth it. After a lot of wibbling, the answer is yes. Fascinating stuff. (M: You stop it. It was emotional and just the kind of stuff the Doctor lives off of, all starlight in her soul and shit.) At the end of the corridor, they find Maggie unconscious on the ground. Adelaide and the crew doctor, Tarak, rush over to her while the Doctor hovers around like a mother hen, telling them not to touch her. Maggie has a wound in the middle of her forehead, and Tarak puts a call through to Russian Mark Watney, who’s apparently the crew nurse, asking for a full medpack.
We’re then treated to a bizarrely long shot of Russian Mark Watney and Token Australian running down corridors, and it does nothing to dispel my sense that this would have worked great as a 45 minute episode but has had to be padded out dramatically to make a full special.
Russian Mark Watney and Token Australian arrive with the medpack. Adelaide orders them to take Maggie back to the central control space and put her in isolation while she, the Doctor, and Tarak go into the garden to look for Mr Gargle Roar. Just as they’re heading in, the technician, Steffi, radios Adelaide to say that the gargle roar noise matches the voice print of their missing crew member. Everyone looks tense.
Inside the garden, the Doctor sonics the lights back on. Adelaide takes one look at his sonic screwdriver and asks if he’s the janitor. “Sounds like me – the maintenance man of the universe!” says the Doctor cheerfully. Adelaide sends Tarak off on his own, so obviously he’s going to have something horrible happen to him. (M: There can only be one doctor.) The Doctor marvels at the garden.
Just then, Russian Mark Watney radios to say that Maggie’s awake. She can’t remember anything and she has no idea where Mr Gargle Roar is. Cool. Glad we established that. (M: BUILDING TENSION, KIRSTI.) She asks RMW to let her out, but he insists that she has to be quarantined for 24 hours. She makes an ominous face at the glass.
Back in the garden, Tarak finds Mr Gargle Roar. He’s facing away from Tarak, and there’s water pouring off him, like some kind of really weird abstract fountain. Tarak’s all “Um. Hi? Can you look at me?” Mr Gargle Roar spins around, spraying water into the camera like a dilaphosaur without a neck frill.
Sickbay. RMW is chuckling at a video message from his brother and tells Maggie all about his brother and his brother’s husband (high five, Doctor Who). Behind him, Maggie starts to shake, just like Mr Gurgle Roar did before stopping abruptly. Her head jerks up. She asks where RMW’s brother lives, and he tells her that it’s on the Caspian Sea. He brings up a map on the screen, still facing away from her. “By the sea…” she says wistfully. RMW jokes that it’s more of a lake.
Water starts trickling from Maggie’s mouth (which can’t have been fun to film) as she marvels at how much water Earth has. Her voice deepens dramatically as she says “We should like to see that world...” Russian Mark Watney FINALLY twigs that something hinky is going on and turns around to see that Maggie’s smiling creepily. Her mouth is all cracked and is pouring water. The zoomy cameraman gets carried away capturing RMW’s horrified expression.
RMW grabs the radio and hails Adelaide. Except he has no idea what’s going on, so it’s basically just “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!” which is a legit reaction. Adelaide calls out to Tarak, telling him the area’s unsafe and they need to leave, but there’s no response. She and the Doctor run off in search of him. Token Australian tells RMW over the radio to keep Maggie contained and increase the door seals and rushes off to help.
Meanwhile, the Doctor and Adelaide have found Tarak. He’s on his knees, Mr Gurgle Roar’s hand pressed to his head. There’s water pouring off both of them, so we’ve upped the abstract water fountain status from “really weird” to “kinda fucked up”.
Adelaide pulls out her gun, but the Doctor insists that he can help. Excuse me while I stare directly into the camera like Jim Halpert.
Mari: Not a fan of guns either, Doctor, but human water fountain aliens attacking is like an okay time to maybe use them, I’m just saying.
K: EXACTLY.
Mr Gurgle Roar, whose eyes are a creepy ice blue, pulls his hand off Tarak’s head and turns towards them. Tarak straightens up, now turned into a water monster too. The Doctor’s all “Welp, TIME TO RUN”. Mr Gurgle Roar and Tarak give chase. The Doctor and Adelaide make it through the airlock just in time. Mr Gurgle Roar shoots a jet of water from his hand, hitting the door. The Doctor jumps back. Mr Gurgle Roar and Tarak study them through the door, and it’s creepy.
But not as creepy as Maggie. She has her hands pressed up against the glass, water pouring from them. Her eyes are wide and she’s got a flat out terrifying clown-like smile on her face. In almost authentic Australian fashion, Token Australian’s response is “What the hell???” (A truly authentic response would involve the word “fuck”. Several times. But for the sake of children’s ears, this is close enough.)
Adelaide orders them to keep her under surveillance until she gets back before adding that they should shut down all the water supplies and not drink anything. The Doctor stares out at Mr Gurgle Roar and Tarak thoughtfully, saying that humans are 60% water and therefore the perfect host. For what, he has no idea. And he never will. He insists that he has to leave.
Mr Gurgle Roar and Tarak start spraying water at the door. Adelaide insists that it’s watertight, but guess what? This water is smart. It gets into the electronics of the door and… IDK, do I look like an electrical engineer? (M: Don’t worry; I’m sure nobody who wrote this episode does either.) (K: Valid point.) The door opens and the running resumes. Right up until the point where they reach Gadget the Annoying Robot. Adelaide’s all “Uh, no time?” but the Doctor insists that they can’t outrun the creepy water monsters.
He sonics Gadget – basically electrocuting Robot Boy in the process – and suddenly it can go so fast that it leaves a trail of flames behind, Back to the Future style. It’s ridiculous. Robot Boy continues to be electrocuted for the duration of Gadget’s speedy journey.
Mari: We truly get like five minutes of this. I can imagine the editing decision to leave it all in. I can imagine it, but I’m not entirely sure I get it.
K: This is my problem with this episode: I love the way it ends. But so much of it feels dragged out and fillery.
They reach the door to the main dome and then lose their entire lead over the creepy water monsters when the Doctor insists that Gadget follow them in? Whatever. (M: IT’S LIKE LEAVING BEHIND A PUPPY OR K9.) Adelaide insists that they’re safe now because the doors have special seals, and the Doctor reminds her that water is patient and can erode basically anything given enough time. WHAT A CHEERFUL THOUGHT.
Cut to sick bay. Token Australian informs Adelaide that the door just has regular seals, not the super fancy ones that the main dome has. She says they should evacuate the moment Maggie heads for the door. Maggie – her eyes still brown, rather than creepy ice blue – studies the Doctor thoughtfully. He speaks to her in “Ancient North Martian” and she starts back in surprise. Adelaide pooh poohs Ancient North Martian being a language.
The Doctor asks where their water comes from, and apparently the base is built on an underground glacier. Russian Mark Watney insists that it’s fine because the water is filtered. The Doctor gives him side eye. Token Australian suggests that maybe it’s a viral life form. The Doctor points out Maggie’s blackened teeth and says that whatever it is creates water rather than hiding in water. He asks Maggie what she wants. Russian Mark Watney says that she was looking at the map of Earth, that she wanted a world full of water.
Adelaide decides that the time has come to evacuate the base. Steffi says it’ll take them three hours to prepare. Adelaide gives them 20 minutes. Russian Mark Watney asks what they’re going to do about Maggie, and Adelaide says she has to be left behind because they can’t contain her on board. Everyone rushes around frantically while the Doctor looks frustrated. He pulls Adelaide aside and says quietly that the problem with evacuating is that the water is clever. Maggie got all the way into the main dome before revealing that she was infected. Any of them could be infected without knowing it.
She gives zero fucks and says she’s going to inspect the ice field. The Doctor’s all “Okay well BYE I’ll just leave then except that I really shouldn’t leave and OKAY FINE I’LL GO INSPECT THE ICE FIELD WITH YOU”. He runs after her, insisting that “little foldaway bikes” would make their lives much easier. Meanwhile, Russian Mark Watney apologises to Maggie before shutting off the lights and locking the door behind him. Maggie crosses to the door and sprays water everywhere to short it out.
Over in the central dome, Robot Boy is all “But she can’t get through the fancy seals, right?”. Token Australian is all “Welp, that’s the theory…” which is SUPER reassuring. Just then, Maggie’s water spraying shorts out the camera. They have no idea where she is any more. Cut to Maggie in sick bay. She throws her head back and gargle roars. Mr Gargle Roar and Tarak tilt their heads to one side before turning and walking back down the corridor towards the garden.
Ice field. The Doctor stares down at the ice, trying to remember the legends about the Ice Warriors of Mars, a great civilisation built out of snow. He wonders if they found something and used their powers to freeze it. Adelaide gives zero fucks about legends and says that they need to find out if there was a change in the process so they can date the infection.
She asks how he knows so much about them, more than he should. He somewhat reluctantly tells her that there are fixed moments in time and this is one of them. “What happens here must ALWAYS happen,” he tells her. “Which is what?” she asks. He says he thinks it’s something wonderful. Something that started fifty years ago. She says she’s never told anyone that story, and he reminds her that she told her daughter. And that she tells HER daughter. All about the day the Earth moved across the universe. Adelaide says she remembers seeing the Daleks. Her father went out looking for her mother and never came back.
We’re thrown into a flashback where Mini!Adelaide is left in the attic by her father, who insists he’s going to come back. She crosses to the skylight and sees a Dalek hovering outside.
She stares at it, it stares at her, the tinkly orchestra tinkles, and the Dalek flies off. “I knew that night, I knew I would follow it,” she says back in the present. The Doctor’s impressed that she didn’t follow it for revenge. She doesn’t understand the point in that. He tells her that that’s how she creates history.
He goes on to tell her that she’s the first step in the journey that takes humans out into the stars. Her granddaughter is going to be the pilot of the first lightspeed ship to Proxima Centauri. Then her children and their children, spreading out across the universe. One day, one of her descendants will fall in love with an alien prince and start a whole new species. But it all starts with her. Adelaide tearfully wants to know why he’s telling her all this. “As consolation…” the Doctor says sadly.
Just then, the computer beeps. They’re treated to a maintenance log video of Mr Gurgle Roar from the previous day, who says that a water filter busted and the replacement ones they brought with them don’t fit. Which means the infection only arrived that day and they’re all safe to leave. Adelaide radios Token Australian to fill him in. He says they’re loading the shuttle and everything’s on track. Adelaide and the Doctor resume running down corridors.
Back in the main dome, she gives him back his spacesuit and tells him to get back to his ship and away to safety. Everyone runs around madly in the background while the Doctor looks…I honestly don’t know. Almost disappointed?? (M: Probably with himself. He’s here and he can’t help and they are trying but for what?) Outside, Tarak and Mr Gurgle Roar are climbing up the side of the base. Everyone continues rushing. An alarm sounds, which no one notices but the Doctor, who looks sad.
Eventually, Adelaide notices the alarm, and they realise that the creepy water monsters are on the roof. The Doctor sad pandas. We’re treated to a truly hilarious shot of Tarak and Mr Gurgle Roar up on the roof, their mouths basically turned into fire hoses. It’s a lot like the vomit scene from Team America: World Police. Only on Mars. And with water.
Down in the main dome, everyone’s all “But we’re safe, yeah???”. Nah, mate. You’re not. We get shots of water pouring through various conduits. Adelaide assures everyone that the ceiling is 10 feet of steel and that nothing is getting through. She orders them all back to work. And then. THEN, my friends. We’re treated to the most melodramatic piece of work that the zoomy cameraman has ever delivered in his life.
I mean…
Mari: Was it performance review time on the set or something?
K: Apparently.
We cut back to the Wikipedia-y page about Bowie Base One and how it was destroyed. Then back to the Doctor, who watches everyone rush around in slow motion before he turns and walks away.
Cut to Token Australian sprinting towards the shuttle. Cut to the Doctor, spacesuited up, getting into the airlock. He hits the button to open the airlock and is denied access. Adelaide’s voice comes over the speaker: “Tell me what happened“. He says he can’t remember. She insists. Reluctantly, he tells her that evacuating is action 1. There are four other actions. He asks what five is.
“Detonation…” she says. He tells her that on this day, Captain Adelaide Brooke takes that action, initiating the nuclear device at the heart of the base. No one knows why, but she did it to save the Earth. That inspires her granddaughter to follow in her footsteps. Adelaide tearfully insists that she won’t die. “But your death creates the future…” the Doctor says.
She begs for his help, asking him to find a way to change the future. He says apologetically that most times he can save someone, but not her. Her death is fixed in time, that’s why the Dalek let her live. She says that he’s going to die too, but he disagrees. Captain Adelaide Brooke, he says, will save him. Adelaide looks at the monitor sadly, then releases the airlock.
Just then, Robot Boy screams that there’s water coming into the main dome. Adelaide orders the crew to run to the shuttle. But the way there is blocked by pouring water. They run to another exit, intending to loop around. But in the process, Steffi gets cut off by pouring water. The Doctor, listening to it all in the airlock, closes his eyes sadly. Steffi screams as the water pours towards her. The Doctor makes his decision, and dramatically steps out of the airlock.
Steffi pushes a button on one of the monitors and a video pops up of her young daughter. She sobs as she watches it, water pouring over her. The crew watch in horror as Steffi shakes and is transformed. Adelaide orders everyone out just as Steffi steps out of the room and walks towards them.
Token Australian fires up the rocket as the Doctor walks back towards the TARDIS. Inside the base, a single drop falls on Robot Boy. The Doctor listens sadly to the screams of the crew. Token Australian punches buttons in the shuttle. Maggie appears beneath him and sprays water all over the place. He tries to close the door, but it’s too late. He radios Adelaide, telling her that the shuttle is out of action. She tells him to evacuate, but he says it’s too late. He activates the self destruct so that the creepy water monsters can’t use the shuttle to reach Earth.
The Doctor is blown across the surface of Mars, and the three remaining crew duck for cover as the base explodes around them. The Doctor stares in horror at the mangled base (if someone can explain to me how it’s on fire when Mars has an atmosphere that’s 95% carbon dioxide, I’d greatly appreciate it). Then his own voice plays back to him: “I’m not just a Time Lord, I’m the Last of the Time Lords. They’ll never come back. Not now.” He stands and returns to the base.
He says they need to use the weapons they’ve got, like heat. Adelaide’s still reeling, repeating his own words to them that they all have to die. He angrily says that there were laws of time, but the people who enforced them are dead. It’s just him. And he can do whatever he wants – the laws of time are his and his alone, and they will do his bidding. HELLO, DARK!DOCTOR. SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
A console panel explodes, knocking him down. His helmet falls to the floor, the faceplate smashing. Adelaide says that it looks like history has other ideas. The Doctor tries to get into the next section to get a replacement helmet. But no, there’s water pouring in. “We’re not just fighting the Flood, we’re fighting time itself. And I’m going to win!” he yells. It’s… a little over the top, to be honest.
Mari: I mean, just in the way that he’s having a total effing meltdown.
K: Right, but with a side of Barty Crouch Jr…
Meanwhile, Maggie is standing over the ice field. She shrieks and it starts to crack. The Doctor rushes around frantically, demanding to know what’s stored in that particular section of the base. Russian Mark Watney tells him that it’s just atom clamps. And, apparently, the annoying robot. Meanwhile, Adelaide is setting the countdown on the nuclear device. The Doctor steers Gadget through the water. Adelaide starts the countdown. The Doctor is unimpressed. He blasts Gadget through the side of the base and clear across the crater.
The ice field cracks. Water pours through the base as Mr Gargle Roar, Tarak, Steffi and Robot Boy shriek along with Maggie. Sparks fly in the dome. Adelaide falls to the floor. Gadget reaches the TARDIS. The Doctor unlocks the door and gets Barty Crouch Jr levels of gleeful.
K: It really really is.
The countdown reaches 20 seconds. The crew look on in awe as vworp-vworps sound around them. The Doctor stands in the centre of the flames.
The countdown reaches zero and the base explodes. The TARDIS materialises on Earth, outside Adelaide’s house. Mia, the team geologist who I apparently forgot to mention until now, freaks out about the whole bigger-on-the-inside thing and runs off into the night. Russian Mark Watney chases after her.
Adelaide’s all “Um, hi. I was meant to die?” The Doctor says that this is better because now she can inspire her granddaughter in person. She insists that he may have changed all of human history and says that no one should have that much power. “Tough,” he snaps. “You should have left us there…” she says, forcefully. He says smugly that he’s saved “little people” before but never anyone as important as her. He’s very pleased with himself. Adelaide angrily demands to know who decides whether people are unimportant. (M: It gives me Nine and “Father’s Day” flashbacks and I die.)
He replies that for a long time, he thought he was just a survivor. Now he knows he’s more than that. He’s the victor. The Time Lord Victorious. “And there’s no one to stop you…” Adelaide says. She insists that the Time Lord Victorious is wrong, and he snaps that it’s up to him to decide that. He tells her to go home and sonics the front door open for her.
“Is there nothing you can’t do?” she says coldly. “Not any more...” he replies as she walks past him into her house. She watches from the doorway as he walks towards the TARDIS, then draws her pistol. She closes the door behind her, then we hear the shot and see the front window light up. The Doctor spins around, an eyebrow raised.
Pain crosses the Doctor’s face as he realises what he’s done and hears Adelaide’s “I don’t care who you are“. He turns and sees Ood Sigma standing in the snow behind the TARDIS. He falls to his knees, tearfully asking if this is it, if this is his death. “Is it time?” he says desperately. Ood Sigma vanishes. The Doctor rushes back inside the TARDIS and stares at the console sadly as the tinkly orchestra tinkles. A bell tolls. “No,” he says emphatically, and grabs the controls, vworp vworping away.
Fade to black.
Oof. This episode is… rough. The first half of it feels padded out. The second half of it feels rushed. I actually enjoyed the dynamic between Adelaide and the Doctor at the end, because we’re so used to seeing the people he saves fall at his feet in thanks. But this time, he gets none of that. On the whole, this is creepy (but the shoddy special effects kind of creepy that occasionally plagues Buffy) but ultimately pretty forgettable. And really, the whole thing really just serves as set up for the Doctor’s final days.
Mari: LISTEN. I liked it. I will say that it could’ve used some tighter editing and that would’ve benefited the story overall, but giving it the basic allowances of some typical Doctor Who space-y WTFery and some overacting, this had an above average alien of the week, an above average one off companion stand-in and it really brought what Ten has been going through to the perfect point before the end of the line. It is like Pompeii all over again, but with no Donna by his side– because he lost her and couldn’t help it. He’s lost a lot that he couldn’t help and so the “maintenance man of the Universe” isn’t too happy to be found here again, faced with something he cannot fix. And though his resolves is there initially, hearing the dying pleas of a crew of people proves to be too much for this man who can’t even leave the robot behind.
It’s been a long ride with Ten, mostly because of our terrible pace recapping here, and these few hour long specials keep making it seem longer and longer, but I think this episode had a lot going for it.
Still, as much as I love Ten, I’m looking forward to moving on.
Next time on Doctor Who: Guess who’s back? Back again? Guess who’s back in S04 E17 – The End of Time Part 1.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
