Breaking Dawn Chapter 14 – New pants saga

Previously: Wolf vs wolf boring showdown.

Annie: Jacob returns to the Cullens’ house to find Edward has left out a set of clothes for him. He takes the clothes that reek of vampire back to the forest to make sure Edward hasn’t played a trick on him or given him ladies clothes or something. Because cross dressing is both HILARIOUS and something to be embarrassed and ashamed about. Haha, lol. (M: good pranks dudebro. V funny.)

Jacob shifts into human form and checks out the clothes that are probably Emmett’s. Jacob is thankful for the clothes, because he can’t really go home and get pants now that he’s homeless. So far, he’s not too bothered by being homeless, but he figures it might get annoying at some point.

Yeah, okay, Meyer. Homelessness isn’t so bad, except for when it gets annoying cuz you can’t just go home and get a change of clothes.

Kirsti: Words cannot describe how much I HATE HATE HAAAAAAAAAATE the fact that we now have Indigenous characters who are, to all intents and purposes, homeless and who are now completely reliant on the perfect white vampires for food and shelter and clothing. As if colonial history didn’t already contain enough of that bullshit. 

Catherine: Also, holy shit the length of the ‘Jacob needs new pants saga’. There’s an entire story arc to it. This whole book is just Jacob getting new pants.  

Annie: Jake wonders if he should knock before going inside the Cullens, when all the vampires already know that he’s there. He decides to let himself in. The room is back to normal, which doesn’t sound at all normal to me, but okay.

Carlisle and Esme are talking by an open window. Emmett, Jasper and Alice are murmuring upstairs, and there is a ‘chick flick’ on the tv. Burrito Bella is on the couch, hooked up to an IV, Edward sitting near her feet, with Rosalie sitting on the floor. Yep, all sounds perfectly normal.

Bella doesn’t hear Jacob come in, but she looks up when Edward smiles at Jake. Bella smiles, ‘with her whole face lighting up‘ to see Jacob. Jake is angry, wondering what is wrong with Bella for smiling at him like she’s happy to see him when she’s happily married to someone else.

How dare she. Doesn’t Bella know married women are only allowed to smile at their husbands?

Marines: Imagine being happily married and still wanting other, I don’t know, friends and acquaintances and finding happiness in a multitude of things! I mean, just kidding, don’t even imagine it. It might break your brain to try.

K: What a fucking weird idea, Mari. Don’t you know that once you have a significant other, you abandon everyone you’ve ever met so you can spend every second with them???

Annie: And she’s hugely, fatly pregnant, too. She should stop being so selfishly huge, pregnant, happily married and also smiling and glad to see her ‘best friend’ (I use quotes, because how can you call someone who’s manipulated you and sexually assaulted you your ‘best friend’?). Bella should make life easier for Jacob by not caring for him and not wanting to have him around. Because Jacob’s feelings are 100% Bella’s fault and responsibility.

Edward is also not too happy about all of this adulterous smiling Bella is flashing at Jacob, either. Bella is such a smile slut. God. (M: It’s probably why she’s pregnant and dying. That’s what happens.) (C: If you smile, you’ll get pregnant and die. 100%)

Jacob tells Edward there was no threat of an attack, Sam’s wolfpack just wanted to talk. Edward explains that he heard most of their conversation, because Jacob is more familiar to him now and that he’s much easier to understand in human form. Bella wants Jacob to get some rest, and realizes he’s about to pass out. Jacob is amazed by how much stronger Bella seems and then he spots her cup o’blood.

Nope, nope. nope. I am never gonna be okay with that grossness.

Jacob wonders how much blood they’ll need and where they will source it from. Jacob goes to leave, and Rosalie calls him a mutt and he fires back a blonde joke. LOL, so funny.

Jacob heads back to the trees because he wants pure, vampire-stench-free air to breathe.  There is way too much detail about what he’s going to do with his smelly vampire clothes, so I’ll give the highlights: he’s going to leave them in the forest near by so he doesn’t have to tie them to his leg. (C: THRILLING.) 

Jacob is using his super wolfpack hearing to listen to Bella and Edward. Bella is asking Edward to let Jake sleep, but Edward tells her that he just has to say one thing to him. Jacob asks Edward what’s up now and Edward explains that he has been relating the wolf pack’s conversations to the Cullens and they were concerned about the stress the misfit wolfpack was being put under and that Esme was particularly upset about their homelessness.

Catherine: Esme just learned about homeless people and how they can’t change clothes.

Annie: Edward tells Jake that he knows Leah doesn’t like eating in wolf form and that the Cullens keep human food in the house. Leah and any of the other wolf misfits are welcome to anything they’d like. Edward asks Jacob to pass that message along to Leah, because it might be better coming from Jacob, as she hates the vampires. Edward also offers clothes to them, as well as use of their shower facilities. Edward tells Jake they shouldn’t consider themselves without the benefit of a home.

Jacob tells Edward that’s nice of him and to thank Esme, but they like to bathe in the river. Edward asks Jacob to pass on the offer of hospitality anyway and Jake agrees.

K: If I could rip this page out of the book and not have to pay work for a new copy, I totally would. That’s how much it disgusts me.

Annie: Jake turns back towards the trees, but stops when he hears a pained cry from inside the house. Edward vamp-runs inside the house and Jacob follows. (M: How many times has Jake’s nap been interrupted now wtf.) Inside the house, Bella is hunched over in pain, because the vampire-baby has broken one of her ribs. Bella says she’s fine, but Carlisle wants to do an x-ray to be sure there aren’t any bone splinters. Rosalie scoops Bella up like the sack of flour she is and snaps at Edward when he tries to say anything about it. Rosalie carries Bella upstairs to be x-rayed.

…Can pregnant women be x-rayed? Like, every time I’ve been x-rayed, which is a lot because I’m a klutz, they always put that huge lead pad over my pelvis and then ask me if there’s any chance I could be pregnant.  So I’m feeling x-rays aren’t really safe? For your reproductive system? Or fetuses? I’m not a doctor, and we all know that Meyer doesn’t research. But the x-ray thing bugged me. I could Google it, but that smacks of effort and we’re only just getting started in to this chapter.

Mari: You are the main recapper, which is tough, so I looked it up for you. It seems like it’s safe, though thinking in the past was to avoid them. So it makes sense that you thought it wouldn’t be safe. It also makes sense to assume that anything Meyer tells you is a lie. 

Annie: At least I’m as good at research as Meyer is! As in, I don’t even attempt it.

K: Meanwhile, my post-it of the page says “The is the most FUBAR thing I’ve ever read holy shit.” I stand by Past!Kirsti’s assessment of everything that’s happening right now. 

Mari: Yeah, we kind of got sidetracked by the x-ray thing, as if our brains went NOOOOPE right past the vampire baby breaking Bella’s ribs and everyone going, “huh. Maybe an x-ray?”

Annie: Anyway.

Jacob collapses in the doorway, super exhausted, finally getting his nap!

Or not. Alice brings Jake a pillow. She points out that he doesn’t look comfortable laying there on the floor, but Jake tells her that he is too tired to move. He asks Alice why she isn’t up with the rest of the Cullens. She tells him that she has a headache. Jake asks if vampires can get headaches and she explains that normal ones don’t. Jacob asks Alice why she’s never with Bella any more and Alice tells Jake that the vampire fetus is giving her a headache.

You and me both, Alice.

Alice tells Jacob that she can’t ‘see’ the baby with her super vamp powers, kind of like how she can’t see Jacob. Alice explains that Bella gets in the way of the fetus and that Bella’s blurry. Alice tells Jake that when Bella decided she wanted the baby, she disappeared from Alice’s visions. Alice tells Jake she appreciates having him around, because he blocks the headaches and visions, even if he did smell like a wet dog. (K: Because telling brown people they smell was just what this chapter needed. -_-)

Jacob says he’s happy to help and Alice wonders why the fetus is like Jacob with its vision-blocking properties. Jacob is pissed to be compared to the hell-spawn. Alice asks if it’s okay for her to stay there and Jake says she can stay, if she’ll keep it down. Jake goes to sleep.

Jacob dreams that he’s thirsty and there’s a big glass in front of him. He goes to take a sip and it’s bleach, not water. (M: There’s my brain bleach…) He wakes up and Rosalie complains that he’s been snoring.

Jacob takes in the room around him. Bella is back and they’ve taken her IV out. Edward is sitting holding Bella’s hand, and Alice is part of the group now. Seth has arrived and is hanging out with his new vamp BFFs.  He is sitting with his arm around Bella and a plate of food in his lap. Seth explains he came to check on Jake, and Esme asked him to stay for breakfast. Jacob is pissed that Seth is touching Bella. Edward explains that Bella was cold. Jake reminds himself that it’s none of his business; that Bella doesn’t belong to him. She’s Edward’s property now. Seth picks up on the pissing contest and takes his arm off of Bella.

K:She didn’t belong to me” is an actual quote. Because women are property, and not human beings with their own thoughts and desires and agency. Cool. 

Annie: Jacob asks for an update on the wolves. Leah is on patrol. Jacob realizes he’s been sleeping for nearly a day and apologizes. Seth tell him that he really didn’t miss a thing. Jake isn’t so sure as he looks over at Bella to see that she looks a lot better. He asks about her rib and she tells him it’s taped up and doesn’t hurt. He asks her what she had for breakfast, O negative or AB positive and she tells him she had an omelette. Jake notices her blood cup and I vomit forever. (C: Just the term ‘blood cup’ makes it sound like Bella is drinking out of a menstrual cup.) (K: OH MY GOD NO WHY STOP.)

Seth tells Jacob to get something to eat, but Jake asks about Leah’s breakfast. Seth tells Jacob that he took food out to Leah before he ate, but she wasn’t interested. Jacob says he’ll go hunt with Leah.

As he goes to leave, Carlisle asks to speak with him. Carlisle wants to talk to him about the logistics of hunting. Carlisle asks if Sam will be hunting for them outside of the perimeter that Jake setup because Carlisle doesn’t want to risk harming any of the wolf family. Jake tells Carlisle that while Sam has calmed down some, he probably considers the treaty void. Jake explains that if Sam thinks that a human or tribe member is at risk, they’ll kill first, ask questions later. But there isn’t enough of the wolves now so they will probably keep close to home. Jacob tells them to hunt in a pack and go during the day, as the wolves won’t be expecting that.

Carlisle says they can’t leave Bella unprotected, and Jake is all ‘we can protect her’. Carlisle says Jake can’t fight his brothers and that he doesn’t want that on Jake’s conscious. Jacob tells Carlisle that he can take it, but Carlisle insists that the vampires will hunt in groups of 3. The vampires argue a bit about the logistics of hunting, especially with Edward not wanting to leave Bella’s side. They settle things and Jake goes to leave again. Seth says he’ll phase into a wolf as long as Bella doesn’t need him. Jake snaps that Bella has blankets.

Catherine: This jealousy of Jacob’s over Seth was an excellent addition. Really adds to the story. And by ‘adds’ I mean ‘makes it longer’ which is what I think Meyer was mostly going for. 

K: And people accuse Dickens of padding his stories… At least Dickens has tangents and subplots that are worth reading. 

Annie: Esme brings Jacob a big dish of food and tells him that while she knows Jake finds it unappetizing to eat in the vampire house with the stinky vampire smells, she’d feel better if he took some food with him. Esme puts on a mom face so Jake agrees to take it and even share some with Leah, even though he plans to dump the food somewhere like an ungrateful asshole. Jake tells Edward not to tell Esme his plan to dump the breakfast Esme has prepared for him, and whines about how spending time with vampires makes you used to them.

Bella asks Jake if he’ll be back later, and he tells her that he doesn’t know. Bella tells him that she might get cold later, because everyone is manipulating everyone else now. Jacob takes a deep breath through his nose and whines that’s a mistake because of all the vampire stench. He tells Bella that he may be back.

Esme brings him a bundle of clothes. She tells Jake that they are freshly washed and that she was careful to touch them as little as possible. Esme asks him to take them to Leah. Jake agrees and then gets out of there because he’s tired of people doing things for him and being nice and making him feel guilty.

I hate Jacob more and more and more with each passing chapter from his perspective. Please make this end soon.

Mari: Nah, actually we just keep prolonging it. We’ll probably be done with Jacob chapters in the year 2020. See ya then. 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: We learn how vampire babies are born in Chapter 15.

Annie (all posts)

I'm a radio broadcast grad, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, and Toronto Raptors fan. Former graveyard-shift radio host and communications manager to the non-profit stars, now a freelance writer and communications advisor. I hate spoilers and weak tea.

Catherine (all posts)

I am a 25 year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.

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  • BT Light

    Welcome back, guys! I really missed your posts, but I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better, M. It sounds like a lot hit you at once and I hope you can still take it easy.

    Not to add to the horror of Bella not being allowed to smile at anyone other than Ed, but doesn’t it continue to bother you that her face lights up whenever she sees Jake and NOT whenever she sees Ed? I feel like that should happen whenever she looks at her life partner, but instead, she always portrays herself as nervous, fearful, anxious, and many other synonyms for “unhappy” when she sees Ed or thinks he’s looking at her.

    Just a thought. So glad to have you guys back! <3

    • Mae

      That’s a good point about her face lighting up when she sees Jacob. In the last chapter, Jacob said Bella and Edward were looking at each other with dead eyes or something, so it really makes a stark contrast that I highly doubt Meyer intended.

    • Alicia

      Omg, I thought that too. It’s almost like each time Jacob is mentioned, Bella is noted as being happy or glad that he’s around, joking around and such. When her and Edward stare at each other with dead eyes, you know there’s true love there. You don’t need to be happy to be in true love. That’s overrated.

  • Anonyme

    I see Edward/Christian is still in possessive mode, for Bella/Ana daring to still be friends with Jacob/Jose.
    Also, has Charlie been mentioned at all yet? Chief of police Charlie is not at all suspicious that Bella is still quarantined at the Cullens’ house and all he was told was that Bella had some unspecified tropical illness?

  • Mae

    I realize this is a stupid thing to focus on in this horrible horrible chapter, but…Meyer doesn’t realize that doctors can’t have a private blood bank, nor can they have a private X ray machine because those use radiation and more electrical power than a residential environment can provide. There’s special zoning required for that and the machines are fucking big. Where did they get a personal x-ray machine? Who delivered it? And who did they get to install it? Or did Carlisle know that too? And if they use one of the old style types that require films to actually be developed (versus digital results on their computers), how did they develop the films? The medical nonsense in this book will always enrage me almost as much as the disgusting relationships, misogyny, and racism.

    • Joy

      Me toooooooooo

    • BT Light

      Wow, that’s infuriating. I didn’t even think about any of these details. But I feel like someone writing a book – or at the very least someone editing said book – should have thought of them. Thank you for pointing this out.

      • Ciara Milne

        It’s been forever since I read the novels, but it’s hinted that the equipment could have been stolen. By Bella or Jacob’s passing thoughts. Which doesn’t confirm it, but it’s still a possibility. And easily done by the Cullens.

        • Mae

          I now have a mental image of Carlisle and Emmett trying to shove a stolen x-ray machine into their Volvo in the dead of night.

          • Ciara Milne

            Emmett: “You do realize we’re stealing lots of valuable equipment that could save hundreds of people’s lives just for Bella here?”
            Carlisle: “Do you want your girlfriend to be ripped to shreds?”
            Emmett: “Well, no, I…uh, our family’s pretty fucked up, huh?”

  • Blinvy .

    (C: Just the term ‘blood cup’ makes it sound like Bella is drinking out of a menstrual cup.) (K: OH MY GOD NO WHY STOP.)
    I second Kristi’s reaction. My god.

  • Joy

    I couldn’t be diagnosed with pneumonia when I was pregnant with my oldest because they couldn’t x-ray me to say whether it definitively was or wasn’t.

    Also, like, x-ray machines are GIGANTIC and invasive, and they just happen to have one upstairs?
    I can’t.

  • Alicia

    Homelessness sure can be a nuisance. I mean, wow, what happens when you don’t choose to be homeless? That’ll get annoying sometimes. Jacob’s choosing to run away from home. He could suck it up and go home and get a job to be able to live on his own, you know, like how most people grow up these days. Just because he’s a shape shifter or whatever doesn’t mean he can’t live a semi-normal human life. He can keep his temper under control at work, I’m sure, and nobody would ever know. Once Bella is a vampire she’ll have to hide from the world for at least 3 years until she can control her bloodlust, or so everyone thinks. But she doesn’t really need to live a normal life because the Cullens are rich and can literally provide her with anything she needs, so why would she want a job? I know I wouldn’t.. lol.

    It’s still great how “Dr.” Cullen randomly and ironically has medical equipment in his home, such as an IV. You know, they’re vampires. They won’t need medical equipment. Is this another thing he somehow managed to obtain for Bella’s sake? Or does he think that humans have a surgery room in their home so he needed to have one as a prop, too?

    No, of course Bella doesn’t know that women can’t smile at any man besides their husband. She doesn’t know much about anything. lol -sigh- It’s like, so weird that anyone who has a significant other would want to have friends aside from that person. And if your significant other actually loves you, they’ll get super jealous when you smile at or be friendly to someone who is your best friend.

    Okay, we get it, vampires stink. Now, do you have to mention it 500 times in different ways during Jacob’s narration? Yes? Damn it. Also, I still don’t understand how the whole tying a pack of clothes to his leg is going to work at all anyway. Wolf legs are different than human legs, even giant wolf legs. I noticed that in the movie, the wolves didn’t have packs of clothes on their legs.

    I mean, it would be one thing if Jacob was forced out of his home because the pack didn’t like him anymore or want him around or something, so the vampires offering him a place to stay wouldn’t be that big of deal. But he is choosing to be homeless. That’s also what makes it worse.

    Bella: “Oh, the beautiful replica of Edward that is inside me has broken one of my ribs, I am completely fine, and don’t need medical attention”. Um, YEAH, you kinda do when you have a fucking broken rib. It’s kind of hilarious how Meyer’s trying really hard to make Bella selfless and not be a bother to people, when she’s the exact opposite.

    Uh, so normal vampires don’t get headaches. Which makes sense. But since Alice can tell the future, and when she can’t see someone in her visions, this somehow makes it so that her dead brain can cause her pain? I don’t understand. Meyer, enlighten me. Oh, it just happens that way just because? Okay, thanks. I understand it now.

    Let me guess, now Jacob’s going to have some prophetic vision-dreams. I wonder if the water turning into bleach is a metaphor for something.

    Sigh. What is it with guys being possessive over Bella? She was cold. Seth offered her warmth since her husband is an icecycle and you were asleep, Jacob. Also, Jacob was sleeping on the floor for an entire day? I’d think even if he is a werewolf or whatever, he’d be a little sore and uncomfortable. Idk. Logics don’t work here.

    Jake says he’ll go hunt with Leah. I thought Leah didn’t like eating while she was in wolf form, not too long ago? Consistency doesn’t matter anymore, I guess.

  • Dacia E.

    Med student (and future OB), can confirm that we do X-rays on pregnant patients for serious injury or illness. No word yet on the radiology guidelines for women gestating a half-sparkle-vampire demon fetus.

  • TayciBear

    Is it just me or has nothing happened the past two chapters.

  • Dee Lopez

    I couldn’t stop giggling at “if you get smile you’ll get pregnant and die.” I can confirm smiling did get me 2 kids so true. And ugh I got a visual in my head of Bella drinking out of a diva cup and gagged. Then I started to wonder… did bella’s period make her even more tasty to the vamps. Is that why EL had the lovely tampon removing with teeth?

    BTW missed you guys. I checked on the daily for new posts!!

  • The Bad Slayer

    OMG, Mari, don’t you know how marriage works? Once you get that ring your man OWNS you. Like, you aren’t allowed to even look up and that’s a privilege. I know my husband keeps me locked inside because he doesn’t want anyone in the world to hurt me. It’s because he LOVES me. Like, real love. Bella and Edward love. /s

  • Sarah

    Uh…don’t broken ribs hurt? Like, all the time? It’s not like you can keep them immobile, what with breathing and all, and especially not with a fetus moving about inside you. I managed to trip up the stairs last year and get a hairline fracture in my leg and it took six weeks or so before it stopped hurting/aching constantly. I imagine broken ribs would be worse.

  • Christie Greenwood

    I hate 50s housewife Esme, I hate the whole ‘the mighty whitey vamps magnanimously look after the rumpled, homeless, brown natives’, I hate ‘she didn’t belong to me’, I hate Suckass Seth, I hate how much the narrative dumps on Leah (she’s the Scary Sue and don’t you forget it!), I hate Wardo’s smarmy smugness, I hate Bella’s faux selflessness…

    …I hate everything. Fuck this book.

    You poor people still have to recap Bella as a psychopathic vampire, too! Gah. * raises a toast *

    • Da Bomb From Guam Mafnas

      Yes. To all of this.

  • Da Bomb From Guam Mafnas

    OMFG. The whole Alice can’t see the vamp fetus, just like she can’t SEE Jacob… This is like those colorblind arguments people make to show they are 100% definitely not racist. As a person of color, when someone says they don’t “see color,” I always find that they cannot see me. They can’t see where I come from or the history behind how I grew up or what I’ve experienced.

    That’s all I’m going to say about that. Thanks, Meyer, for the racism.

    I’m so freaking mad at this series and the fact that it shaped the views of hundreds of thousands of women across the globe.