snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

April 2017

Dawson’s Creek S04 E16 – Your penis ain’t special.

by Kirsti April 28, 2017 Dawson's Creek
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Oh, hey, friends. Long time no see. MY BAD. Honestly, a big part of the delay on this has to do with the fact that I needed to find gifs for it, and finding gifs for Dawson’s Creek is practically impossible after season 3. I mean, there are Pacephine Tumblrs, but they suck at tagging things, and I’m not about to wade through 64 pages of posts on the off chance there’s something useable there. So instead I… just kind of gave up on giffing. Sorry. Have a giant wall of text instead?

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A Series of Unfortunate Events S01 E06 – Always without their stuff.

by Marines April 27, 2017 A Series of Unfortunate Events
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Look away, look away!

We start with the kids standing in front of the wide window, reading Josephine’s suicide note. What we thought was a grammatical error previously turns out to be a few errors. Dowadger instead of dowager. Leadle instead of lead. But perhaps the worst thing of all is that the end of the letter says that Josephine is leaving the kids in the care of Captain Sham. We fade from Violet saying that it can’t be, to Lemony in the nearer present, in front of the ruins of Josephine’s house. Lemony says that when you lose someone close to you, “it can’t be” are often the words that run through your saddened head.

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E16 – Sorry, I’m in an air duct.

by Jessica April 27, 2017 Pretty Little Liars
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Welcome back to Rosewood everyone! The previouslies remind us that Holbrook is helping Ali, some rando named Johnny is staying in Spencer’s guest house, Hanna’s mom hooked up with Jason, Spencer and Toby are not on the same evidence page, and Annoying Aria wrote a fake admissions letter to trick her sleazy boyfriend’s ex into getting her into college. Honestly, the previouslies were packed with lots of stuff, which is weird because I don’t remember lots of stuff happening on this show, so we’ll figure it out as we go, okay?

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Doctor Who S05 E02 – Because the government is up to some shady shit.

by Kirsti April 26, 2017 Doctor Who
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he camera pans over a floating city, with the Union flag painted next to it. We pan over the buildings, many of which are illuminated with the names of counties.

Cut to a school room where all the kids are in 1950s style outfits, sitting at 1950s style desks. A robotic voice praises each of them in turn as they head out the door. One boy hangs back reluctantly. (M: Yeah, boy. I wouldn’t walk up close to that robotic voice either.) A girl gives him a “what are you waiting for?” expression before heading out. He’s the last in the classroom.

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Chamed S03 E08 – Oblivious.

by Marines April 26, 2017 Charmed
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We start in the Halliwell kitchen with Prue and Piper working on a potion to vanquish Belthazor. Piper’s getting a little squeamish about the ingredients, but this mostly serves as an opportunity to exposit that they got a slice of Belthazor flesh last episode and should be able to vanquish him now.

Prue calls for Phoebe, but Piper says their little sister is not in a vanquishing mood because she’s worried about Cole. She hasn’t heard from him in a week. HMMM. SUSPICIOUS TIMING.

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Supergirl S02 E05 – Gun control

by Catherine April 24, 2017 Season 2
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Hey, so it’s been a while! I don’t really know why. I do know that I always see people squeeing about this show on Twitter, and I’m not sure if it’s because it’s gotten better in season two or if we are seriously not watching the same show.

Catherine: SAME. I have friends who watch this and tell me it’s amazing. I’m so bored. What are we missing? 

Samantha: Maybe it’s one of those shows that just really really falls apart upon recapping but works if you just mindlessly enjoy it?

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Dawson’s Creek S04 E15 – Minisodes of Plot Development

by Chelsea April 21, 2017 Dawson's Creek
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I have always hated that this episode follows one of the best episodes of teen virginity loss in the history of recorded television. This episode is essentially four minisodes all crammed together, none of them particularly interesting.

Kirsti: #ACCURATE. This episode is a snoozefest and I just need the whole thing to be Pacephine adorableness rather than whatever the hell this mess is. 

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Designated Survivor S01 E11 – Untrustworthy acting.

by Dani Denatti April 20, 2017 Designated Survivor
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We start where we left off, with Hannah making her way through the crowd, looking for the shooter. She pulls out her gun, someone yells “gun,” there is sudden, general chaos, Hanna fires at the window. Her bullet hits the window frame and the sniper is still able to fire his own bullet. Secret Service agents take Hannah down. Tom pushes Alex down to safety. He looks at her and notices that there is blood on her shirt. He tells her she’s been shot, but the blood isn’t hers. It’s his. Tom looks at his shoulder and he’s like, “oh shit.”

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Doctor Who S05 E01 – It’s definitely new.

by Marines April 19, 2017 Doctor Who
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I remember portions of this episode very vividly. I think I took a break between the end of Ten’s tenure and the beginning of Eleven; enough of one that watching this episode felt like jumping into a new experience in more ways than just the changes that came with it. I stopped watching Doctor Who with Matt Smith because we started this recapping project, and I figured I’d catch up to more recent seasons when we got there to recap. I was young and optimistic and thought that would be sooner rather than later. lol.

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After Chapter 32 – Hardin is the Kool-Aid Man.

by Samantha April 18, 2017 After
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Okay well here I go. To recap Tessa and Hardin alone in a room at night again. With sex implications in the terribly written text. Alright. Here we go. Oh, wait, man, have I asked how you all are recently? Anything new?

Marines: Just rip the bandaid off, girl. This garbage fire has 90-something chapters.

Samantha: …….fine. According to my Kindle app we’re only 26% done.

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After Chapter 31 – Don’t try this at home.

by Marines April 18, 2017 After
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Tessa tries to take a step back from Hardin, but “his grip is too strong.” We’re going to totally ignore her lack of bodily autonomy in this very moment because she’s so! shocked! and! over! whelmed! that Hardin just said he wants to be good. If it is THIS SHOCKING that someone has set the pretty mid-level bar of being good, perhaps don’t date that person. #SnarkLadyAdvice (S: #MaybeLiterallySavesLivesInThisCase.)

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A Series of Unfortunate Events S01 E05 – Married to the sea.

by Dani Denatti April 17, 2017 A Series of Unfortunate Events
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New guardian means new credits! This time we’re told that this guardian is wracked with fear and panic and they end up on a boat that might as well be the Titanic. (S: Meanwhile I overthink where a Titanic reference puts us in time.) So, you know, look away, look away!

We start at an old-timey looking news station for Lachrymose News, “where things keep happening until they stop happening.” I know this “it keeps happening” feeling because it encapsulates all of my feelings about the current administration.

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Doctor Who S04 Wrap-Up

by Kirsti April 15, 2017 Doctor Who
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It took us more than a year to finally get out of Series 4, partly because we tagged all the Tennant specials into this season, but mostly because we so slow. We did it though and the super struggle bus of getting here only makes this gif dance party celebration all the more earned:

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 18 – The bloody Quentin Tarantino chapter.

by Catherine April 14, 2017 Books
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Welcome to the bloody Quentin Tarantino Chapter of Breaking Dawn, also known as nope, nope, fucking no, nope.

The title of this chapter is ‘There are no words for this‘. Aptly named. I’m still not sure that prepares us all for what is to come in this chapter, but I’m doing my best.

Kirsti: Come, friends. Let us gather around the Snark Lady Booze Cupboard and drink its full contents before proceeding with this abomination of a chapter.

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Designated Survivor S01 E10 – Running in Heels

by Dani Denatti April 13, 2017 Designated Survivor
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We open to the car crash, where Agent Hannah Wells is either dead or unconscious. Some dude comes to check on her, and he seems really kind, talking to her all calmly and telling her not to move her neck. Then he strangles her. Um… what? Why spend all that time comforting her if he’s an assassin who’s supposed to kill her? Maybe the show thought using misdirection here would add tension, but it just ends up making this guy look like the most incompetent assassin ever. I bet I know where he buys his assassin-gear.

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