Previously: The girls found out the truth about Cole’s identity thanks to his coat.
Stephanie: We open at the manor where Prue and Leo are looking at a presentation board with pictures of Piper’s high school class.
Prue tells Leo that high school was tough for Piper because she was like Jan Brady, but he doesn’t get the reference. Apparently being a white-lighter means he’s never watched TV. Piper comes downstairs wearing an ugly dress that I think is supposed to be hot because a sexy saxophone tune plays.
Marines: How are really supposed to tell that she looks ridiculous? Phoebe would wear that to the library.
Stephanie: Piper hated high school because she was a nobody. Her ten year reunion is supposed to be her chance to show them what she’s become. I have an idea. If it’s that stressful and terrible, just stay home?
Prue says that Piper just doesn’t look like herself, and Piper responds that if she could go as herself she would. Leo takes that literally and asks if it’s a costume party. It’s kind of cute and that’s the first and last time I’m calling Leo cute. Piper’s upset that she’s this really cool witch who defeats demons everyday with her angelic boyfriend, but all anyone at the reunion will see is a woman who still lives at home with her sisters.
Prue volunteers to give Piper the She’s All That treatment. (M: BUT SHE DOESN’T EVEN WEAR GLASSES.) Leo suggests they invite Phoebe to the makeover party, but she’s busy being sad over vanquishing her sith lord boyfriend. Plus she’s avoiding Prue ‘cause she was a Cole hater. Instead, Prue tells Leo to help Phoebe deal with her feels.
Cut to Dwight Schrute in a silky shirt (lol, what is happening) smashing some jars and arguing with a woman. He tells her that she was made from his blood and shows her some blood on his fingers in case she’s confused about what blood is, I guess. The lady argues that being made from him gave her his powers and lust for life and instead of living it up, she’s held captive.
Silky Dwight points out that living it up would be dangerous because even the oh-so-powerful Darth Cole was “vanquished.” Lust for Life Lady is super done with dealing with his shit so she stabs herself and blue smoke pours from her stab wound and escapes through a door crack. Okay, if this is what we get in place of the Cole plot, I think I’d rather have him back.
Mari: Lust for Life was played by someone who thinks acting is a thing you only do with your hands.
Stephanie: Isn’t that every actor on this show?
Outside, A businessman is having a business chat about the very important business of video games. I only leave in the video game detail because I looked this guy up since he looks super familiar, and he does voice work for basically every game I’ve ever played. Doesn’t explain why I recognize his face, though.
ANYWAY. Lust for Life Lady’s blue smoke comes out of a street grate and possesses the poor dude. Having never been a man before, she feels herself up a bit as one does in a television gender-swap. Across from her, the soul of Game Guy, who couldn’t be any more soul-like because he’s fucking glowing and wearing white “I’m dead now” clothes, calls out for help. Sadly for him, souls cannot be heard.
I AM THE SAHN.
Back at the manor, Prue helps Piper try outfits. Prue doesn’t understand why Piper cares so much about what her old classmates think, and besides, she’s not the same awkward girl she used to be. Uh, I thought Piper’s whole shtick was being awkward?
Mari: Really? I thought her whole shtick was being in a relationship.
Stephanie: That too.
Prue says that Piper’s reunion can’t be any worse than the date she went on with Halitosis Guy last night. He only scored a 2 on whatever weird list she keeps to rank men. Not sure how her date has anything to do with Piper’s reunion party, but I guess she wouldn’t be a Halliwell if she didn’t find a way to make her sister’s problems about herself. Piper says she’ll keep an eye out for ex-football players, but Prue isn’t interested in younger guys. Isn’t Piper only, like, a year or two younger than Prue? I guess a 28 year old man is too immature for a sophisticated and successful photographer like herself. 1/10, worse than halitosis. (M: Would not recommend.)
Phoebe comes in looking for her glasses and then walks right back out. The girls go after her and Piper asks if she wants to tag along and make drinks for the reunion. Phoebe says she has plans to go study and maybe stroke Cole’s dagger some more. She apologizes for avoiding them for weeks, but she has to do some soul searching, which is probably code for Cole searching. She wishes Piper fun times and leaves.
Outside, Piper, Leo, and Prue pack the class photo board and snacks into the car. I thought Piper just set up that collage to panic in front of. Taking it to the reunion makes a lot more sense. It also appears she’s settled on wearing an all black skirt-suit that makes her look like she’s going to a funeral.
A guy pulls up and asks Piper is she still lives at home, but it’s just some playful teasing from an old friend and they hug. Leo gets jealous, but Prue explains that they’re just friends, and he was into her, not Piper.
Piper asks her friend (Justin) if he’s going to the reunion and he responds “oooooh yeaaaah” in a way that makes me instantly dislike him. Piper explains that they’re heading to P^3 for the reunion committee and could use some help toting food. Why is Piper constantly involved in not only attending, but actively planning and hosting events she doesn’t want to be a part of?
Prue shuffles over and acts weird about how grown up Justin is. He can’t remember her name and calls her Phoebe.
Leo approves of Piper’s new help because The Powers That Be are calling to him. Funny how they always seem to pull him away whenever Piper needs his help with boring stuff. I’m on to you, Leo.
Mari: Angel, my ass.
Stephanie: The camera pans around to Lust for Life Lady in her man-bod watching from a car. Game Guy’s soul begs her to get out of his body, but she needs to get one of the P’s alone so that she can have a successful transfer. Apparently she can’t just do it anywhere even though she hopped right into this guy’s body in the middle of the street. Game Guy begs more because he feels like he’s suffocating. Lusty informs him that this soul is dying.
Cemetery. Phoebe is in the mausoleum where she “vanquished” Cole. She puts her hands over the vanquishing burnt spot but nothing happens, so she tries talking to the air instead. She says that she has to tell her sisters the truth about him still being alive and explain that he won’t hurt them because he loves her. That doesn’t sound like a good enough reason to invite a deadly person back into your family’s life, but then again, better an evil boyfriend than to be a single Halliwell.
Mari: Attempted murder > halitosis.
Stephanie: Phoebe leans against a coffin and has ye olde vision of a woman with glowing red eyes stealing a baby from a man and then killing him. Phoebe brushes the dust off the coffin to see that it belongs to Benjamin Turner.
Reunion Central at P^3. Prue and Piper come in and Piper has a mini freakout when she sees the former homecoming queen. Piper goes over to her and Homecoming Queen doesn’t remember who she is until Piper brings up some classes they shared together. To be fair, I graduated in 2006 and barely remember anyone but my hot English teacher. (Mr. Cogan. Mmmm…) HQ says she remembers how Piper used to sit in the back of the classroom and draw on her jeans. Yeah, that’s pretty weird. She congratulates her on not having pimples anymore and then asks Piper to take out the trash. Piper is an awkward pushover, so she says yes.
Prue and Justin look on at this sad display. Justin stops Prue from helping out so that Piper can learn on her own. He reminds Prue of the time Piper tried to run for class secretary, but got so nervous that Prue had to finish her speech. Prue is like, “aha! You remember me!” Justin confesses that he pretended not to because she plagued his high school years with her hotness. That’s pretty pathetic, guy. Now, number one on his list is not going for women like her anymore. Prue has bad taste in men, so she eats this nonsense up, but also she’s impressed that he has a stupid list like she does.
Meanwhile, Lusty has come in to stand about looking shady.
Prue notices Piper being a garbage lady rushes over. Piper can’t help being bossed around because being with her old classmates turns her into an insecure teen again. She says that she’ll go take out the trash and compose herself.
Lusty grabs a knife and follows Garbage Piper outside. She stabs herself and Piper loses her shit. It’s kinda funny. Lusty’s blue smoke body-hops into Piper, discarding Game Guy’s corpse. She turns to a piece of glass, where Piper’s white-clad soul is residing, and says that she better be as powerful as they say. Soul Prue threatens to vanquish her if she doesn’t get out of her body.
Back by the bar, Prue and Justin compare how they both stack up against their ranking systems. Poorly, but that doesn’t stop them being into each other, which should tell you something about how trash their lists probably are.
Prue spots Lusty Piper taking shots and jumps up to stop her. Homecoming Queen comes over and tells Piper to move her snacks. Lusty Piper takes a stand by calling her a bitch and telling her to do it herself. Briefly, there’s a flash of real Piper. She grabs Prue and asks for help. As usual, Prue doesn’t think this weird and accepts Piper’s explanation that she isn’t feeling well and needs to go home for a bit. Prue has been so demon savvy lately, but I suppose that had to end eventually so these ridiculous plots could carry on for 40 minutes. (M: Just when we got rid of Cole, too…)
In the back alley, Dwight Schrute is walking about with his hand out, making a weird face. He smiles when he spots the body of Game Guy and brings him back to life with his glowy hand and chanting. Game Guy gets up, confused, and Dwight interrogates him about the whereabouts of Lusty. Game Guy ignores him and freaks out about the knife in his chest, so Dwight chokes the answers out of him. Game Guy says that Lusty switched to another body to get her revenge. Dwight figured that was the case since it’s exactly what he would have done. Game Guy asks how he’s alive again and Dwight says it’s his specialty, along with his other specialty, which is killing him again. He covers the body with a sheet and walks off.
Meanwhile, Phoebe is at the historical society getting information on Cole’s ancestry. She learns that Cole’s father died in 1886, just a year after Cole was born. That makes Cole 115. There’s no details on the death of Cole or his mother. Thanks for that detour that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode.
Manor. Lusty Piper argues into mirrors with Soul Piper to find out her powers before Dwight finds her. Lusty can feel him looking and getting closer. Soul Piper says she’ll help if she gets her body back, but Lusty would rather Piper’s soul die than her own. Piper warns that that’ll just lead to two angry sisters who’ll make her wish she’d died too. Lusty takes note that her sisters care about her a whole lot and calls P^3 to recruit help for fighting Dwight. Soul Piper disapproves from the side of a pot.
P^3. Homecoming Queen has switched to ordering Prue around so she magics some balloons onto the floor. Wow. Real badass.
Lusty Piper calls and asks Prue for help with a demon in the house. Prue tips Lusty off to Piper’s power by asking if she froze it. Soul Piper shakes her head from her pot. Prue tells Lusty to check the Book of Shadows and she’ll come home with Phoebe. Lusty hangs up and asks Piper on a Pot for the location of the book, but she won’t cooperate. Lusty threatens to kill the P’s off one by one and body-hop until she gets the help she needs, so Piper gives up the location.
Prue calls Phoebe and informs her about the demon in the house. Phoebe gets a little too excited thinking it might be Cole, but it’s just a demon with wild hair and bulging eyes. Sounds like Cole to me, tbh. Phoebe tells Prue to pick her up from the historical society, not the library.
Outside of the manor, Dwight watches the house and holds his hand out getting “feelings” or whatever.
Inside, Lusty wants to get to the vanquishing, but it won’t work without the Power of Three. Piper makes fun of her for having a panic attack. That’s not exactly fair considering whose body she’s in.
Dwight storms in and magic slaps Lusty to the floor before she can freeze him. He’s impressed by her ability to do all the stuff he would have done, but he’s still going to stab her. Lusty freezes him just as Phoebe and Prue come in and they join together to read the vanquishing spell. Dwight disappears in fiery agony, leaving behind a little bottle and yelling that he could have helped them, but now she’ll destroy them.
Lusty follows Prue and Phoebe up to the Book of Shadows. They want to look up the “she” Dwight mentioned. Lusty tries to convince them to get rid of the little bottle, but Phoebe wants to keep it as a clue. Lusty decides to make an exit, using prepping for the reunion as an excuse, but Real Piper takes over just enough time to get out that she’s dying. “Dying to get out of these clothes,” Lusty finishes and leaves.
Phoebe notices that something is up with Piper, but Prue is more concerned with Phoebe lying about being in the library. Phoebe confesses that she was checking out Cole’s ancestry, because she still has feelings for his non-darth part. Prue makes a good point about all the times he tried to kill them, but Phoebe is adamant about Cole’s good side. His dad did a bunch of good deeds. Surely this thing that has nothing to do with Cole himself must mean he’s not all bad! Phoebe agrees to take her mind off of it by looking at the book for now.
Downstairs, Piper tries to regain control of her body by yelling from inside a mirror. Lusty assures her that she won’t want that because it’ll only happen with a knife to the heart. Lusty has replaced Piper’s funeral outfit with a red halter and leather pants. The worst part of the halter is the fringe around the bottom. Reminds me of the beaded curtains I always wanted for my doors as a kid.
Leo tinkles in and Soul Piper refers to him as her boyfriend Tom. Lusty spins around and is like, “sup Tom?”
She doesn’t kill him because he’s too cute and she has a party to attend.
Mari: TPTB should look into making White Lighters way less zapable. I feel like Leo is always getting knocked around or maybe it doesn’t happen that often but I just treasure those moments.
Stephanie: You’d think being immortal and such would make him a little less squishy.
Attic. Prue gathers information about alchemists and Phoebe watches from the window as Piper leaves. She points out how weird it is that she left without Leo or showing them her new outfit. Prue ignores her and delivers more information. The bottle Dwight left behind is for capturing life essences and a life essence is basically a homemade human soul that can possess a living being, but kills the host’s soul in the process. Prue realizes that this is why Piper has been acting strangely in what is perhaps the only time the girls have ever put all the clues together in a way that actually makes sense. Phoebe, on the other hand, is still confused, but I’ll give her a pass because she’s been gone for most of Piper’s possession. Prue says they need a dispossessing spell.
At P^3, Lusty Piper is up on the bar doing a lusty dance and everyone loves it, especially the guys being pulled between her legs while she pours alcohol into their mouths. Phoebe and Prue come in and immediately know that the possession is definitely happening.
Stephanie: It’s awful. Like a shirt made from a raincoat.
Homecoming Queen tries to stop her husband from doing a dorky dance with Piper, but Piper freezes her so they can keep going. HQ’s husband doesn’t seem to notice or care that magic was just used on his wife in front of him. Okay. Prue and Phoebe come over and Phoebe knocks into HQ, unfreezing her. I don’t entirely understand how Piper’s freezing powers work anymore. They seem to do whatever needs to happen for the scene to unfold in a particular way.
Prue and Phoebe drag Piper out into the back alley and try out their dispossessing spell, but it doesn’t work without the Power of Three. Lusty explains that she’s too powerful. Not only does she have Piper’s powers, but she also has the blood of Dwight Schrute.
Phoebe starts calling for Leo but that doesn’t work out due to his unconsciousness. Lusty says they’ll have to kill her if they want her out of the body. Prue magics her into some nearby trash and tells her to get the hell out of her sister. Lusty obliges by grabbing the dagger from Game Guy whose poor body is still chilling against a wall. She positions the dagger for chest stabbing, but Prue yells for her to stop. Lusty gets up and leaves, handing the knife over to Prue on the way out.
Prue and Phoebe go back into the club and Phoebe asks what the plan is. Prue says she’ll explain back at the manor. They find Lusty still sexy-dancing and grab her. A slap fight breaks out and Lusty ends up knocked out on the floor. Justin appears and just goes along with it when Prue says Piper’s possessed. He tosses Piper over his shoulder and they leave.
Manor. Prue explains to Phoebe that they can get Piper back with the Power of Three and the alchemist’s ability to bring the dead back to life. Prue asks that Phoebe trust her and to go wake up Leo.
When Phoebe leaves, Prue places the knife on the fireplace mantle and sits by Piper. She apologizes for not seeing her calls for help and asks forgiveness for what she’s about to do. With that, she magics the dagger into Piper’s chest. Wow. Maybe filling everyone in on this risky plan would’ve been a better idea than just going for it while they’re all still upstairs?
Phoebe and Leo finally come down, and Leo rushes over to Piper yelling that he can’t heal the dead. As he hovers over Piper’s body, Lusty’s blue smoke comes out and possesses him. This is a terrible plan that completely relied on Lusty jumping into Leo’s body. What if Phoebe had run over to Piper first? Then she’d have to kill her too? This might be one of the worst plans yet.
Prue tells Lusty Leo to bring back Piper. If she does, they’ll give her the bottle and she can be on her way in Leo’s body. I guess Lusty is super desperate at this point because she believes this and chants Piper back to life. They pass over the bottle and rush to Piper. Lusty Leo smashes the bottle, but it’s too late. The girls say their dispossessing spell and Lusty’s blue smoke explodes into sparkles while Leo hilariously twitches on his knees. They call Leo over for healing assistance because Piper still has a gaping wound in her chest. Remember last episode when Leo said he could only heal injuries caused by evil? Leo certainly doesn’t.
Mari: IDK, maybe Prue’s plan was so bad it’s actually evil.
Stephanie: Good point! Plot hole averted.
P^3 because post-party cleaning still has to happen even when you’ve just died. Through all of this, Piper has managed to learn an important lesson about not caring about what other people think of her. I swear I feel like I’m watching Full House with the lessons at the end of each episode. Piper thanks Leo for knowing she would never kiss him with her head so wobbly. She also thanks Prue for killing her.
Justin pops up wanting an explanation for the slap fight. Prue flirtily offers to provide one if he calls her. Are we really going to see this guy again? I don’t think so. (M: SO WHY DID THEY SPEND SO MUCH EPISODE TIME ON HIM?) Piper teases Prue’s new found interest in younger men. Apparently she’s decided to abandon her stupid list.
Backroom. Leo joins Phoebe to randomly discuss her Cole feelings. Phoebe is upset that she was seduced by a demon when Piper was able to fight against her evil possession. Did she though? She mostly just yelled from reflective surfaces. Leo says that seduction is more subtle than possession. How about seduction and Piper’s possession have nothing to do with each other, so why are these two unrelated situations even being compared right now?
Leo goes on that no one knew that Cole was evil. Phoebe totally should have known though. He kissed with his eyes open for goodness sake. Phoebe tests if she can open up to Leo that Cole’s still alive, but he makes a face so she says, “alive… for me.”
And all of us for the next 5.5 seasons, probably.
Next time on Charmed: The P’s face an evil ice cream truck in S03 E10 – We All Scream for Ice Cream.