Breaking Dawn Chapter 20 – Eat dust.

Previously: Bella was in a lot of pain and no one gave a shit.


Annie: Still recovering from the birth chapter, so… I love you, but I do not have the emotional capacity to show sympathy for you rn.

Marines: On the brightish side, our readers will certainly be v sympathetic to our long bouts of silence, surely.

Catherine: I can’t see how they wouldn’t be. They are very charitable. 

K: We can but hope.

Apparently everything is very sharp and clear and she can see an eighth colour at the edge of the spectrum. Piss all the way off, Bella. She can see the grains of wood in the ceiling and then she watches the dust floating about in the air for a while. Seriously.

Then we’re treated to this: “The dust was so beautiful that I inhaled in shock.” Yeah. Beautiful dust. That’s a thing when you’re a vampire, apparently.

Annie: STFU, Vampire Bella. You’re infinity times worse than Human Bella.

Mari: It’s only been a couple of sentences too, dear God. 


K: I have no idea. But even if she did pass out more, I’m sure that Steph would narrate right through the entire thing, because that’s how she rolls.

Anyway, inhaling in shock makes Bella realise that she no longer needs to inhale because vampires don’t have functioning lungs and yet can speak. Whatever. Oh, but even though she doesn’t need to breathe, she LIKES it because she can taste everything now?? Yeah. She can taste the dust. And the “lush whiff of silk.” And “something that should be moist, but wasn’t“????? Sense: this doesn’t any make.

Mari: Also, we just spent a whole damn chapter (as in the last one) hearing over and over about Edward’s breathing. So… he doesn’t have to breathe but he was doing it rhythmically because… he was tasting dust while Bella was in a coma? Okay, Meyer. Okay.

K: Mmm. Dust. Delish.

Once she’s done tasting dust and other shit that has no flavour, we get to hear about how her ears have been upgraded to VampSound 2.0. She can hear the rest of the Cullens breathing even though they don’t need to, and she can hear rap music playing from a car on the freeway. (M: Why doesn’t she hear all the cars on the freeway?) (C: It’s very specific vampire hearing. It’s just Spotify.) 

She suddenly realises that someone is holding her hand and she freaks the fuck out because that person feels warm and ONLY COLD PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO TOUCH HER, GOD. Her body automatically jumps into hissing vamp mode “with a low, menacing sound like swarm of bees.” I just… Steph. Girl. STAHP.

But Steph doesn’t stahp. Bella does some backflips or some shit because apparently being a vampire means you’re good at gymnastics? And the world doesn’t go blurry when she flips around. She can still see all the floaty dust and the wood grains in the ceiling and OH MY GOD I DON’T CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE.

Eventually, she realises that the person who was holding her hand was Edward, and realises that obviously he won’t feel like a popsicle any more because she’s ALSO a popsicle.

Mari: If she starts suddenly loving warm skin, and we went through 3.5 books of fetishizing marble and concrete, I’m going to LOSE IT.

Catherine: Get ready, girl. Get ready to have to find it again. 

K: Uuuuugh.

Alice and Jasper and Emmett are lurking behind Edward, and Bella can see the eight colour rainbow glinting off Alice’s teeth??? You guys, this chapter is so fucking stupid I’ve run out of snark.

And then. THEN. Fuck it, I need more booze.

Okay. Let’s do this. *deep breath*


Mari: I wonder why Meyer felt this was necessary. I mean, apart from us and other people who hate read, everyone else who got to this point of the book was sold on popsicle dick. We don’t need to know that his hotness went from 480 to 1080p thanks to vampire eyeballs.

K: RIGHT?????

Edward walks slowly towards her, “each step taking nearly half a second“(?!?!) and tells her in a super calm tone that he knows it’s disorienting but everything is going to be fine. She wonders if that “fine” includes her parents and Renesmee and Jacob and the rest of the wolves and then gets all “BUT WAIT! I’m a newbie vampire and all I should be feeling is thirsty. And yeah, I feel thirsty but I also feel all this other stuff??” Because yeah. Bella Swan is a fucking special snowflake vampire who skips over all the newbie stuff and goes straight to being able to control herself because of course she is.

Edward looks at her with a questioning eyebrow, and she throws herself into his arms. In case you were wondering, he smells like Edward. Cool. Glad we established that. Except that she has newbie vamp strength, so he’s all “Ow, please don’t squish me.” She marvels at the concept of being stronger than perfect perfect Edward. (A: FFS.)

Apparently maintaining a train of thought is hard when dust is beautiful or whatever, but she finally gets her shit together enough to tell Edward that she loves him. “My voice rang and shimmered like a bell” she tells us because she doesn’t have a boring human voice any more. She has a magic tinkly vampire voice. Obviously.

Mari: If someone sounded like a damn bell every time they talked to me, I would tell them to shut up ALL THE TIME.

K: Legit. My brother’s cat is sitting next to me right now and every time he moves, the bell on his collar jingles and IT’S GETTING REALLY ANNOYING REALLY DAMN FAST.

Anyway. Edward returns the sentiment and they kiss. And Bella’s immediately hit by a different kind of thirst because OMG NOW EDWARD CAN OPEN HIS MOUTH WHEN THEY KISS WHAT IS THIS MADNESS.

Mari: These two have made a baby, but never open mouth kissed. 

Can we go back to when Bella was complaining about rain and confused by the sun?

K: Please and thank you.

Emmett’s all “Uh, hi? Still standing right here” and they stop making out. Edward tells her that now it’s her turn not to break him and UGH MY BRAIN WENT STRAIGHT TO THAT EPISODE OF GREY’S ANATOMY WHERE A GUY COMES IN WITH A BROKEN PENIS AND NOOOO WHYYYYYYY I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE SPARKLE PEEN. (C: EWWWWW) 

Carlisle arrives and asks Bella how she feels. “I considered that for a sixty-fourth of a second.” What in the actual fuck.

Annie: It’s because she has the super vampire super speed and not only is she now perfect and wonderful and can walk and talk super fast, she can also THINK super fast, because she is special and perfect now. Duh.

Mari: She also got a stopwatch in her brain. Probably.

Catherine: She still can’t fucking reduce fractions so w/e. Not that smart. 

K: Agreed.

She says it’s overwhelming but she still feels like her. Carlisle marvels at her control and asks what she remembers of the transformation process because he wants to know if the morphine helped. She remembers that the baby couldn’t breathe (Dude. They generally can’t when they’re IN YOUR FUCKING UTERUS) and Edward assures her that Renesmee is fine. And then we get this bullshit:

He said her name with an understated fervour. A reverence. The way devout people talked about their gods.

Are you shitting me right now? What even is this?

Annie: Sacrilege! 

Mari: Like… did he suddenly bow down and sing out RENESMEEEEEE in the middle of his sentence?! No, probably just awful writing again? Cool.

Catherine: I’m impressed, actually. Because I can’t say Renesmee without grimacing. Such a shitty name. 

K: It really really is. And there was a kid behind me at the shopping mall the other weekend named Branch. I’d still rather be named Branch than Renesmee.

Anyway, Bella lies and says it’s hard to remember the transformation. Carlisle’s amazed and she expects to be given away by blushing before remembering she can never blush ever again. Carlisle wants more details but Bella’s suddenly distracted by wanting all of the blood ever. Edward suggests they go hunting together, informing her that it’s all instinct and that he’ll show her how. So… it’s NOT instinct? (M: lol.)

She laughs and marvels at her new tinkly vampire laugh, then says that she wants to see Renesmee before they go. Edward’s all “Uhhhhh, no?” on account of Renesmee has a heartbeat and Bella might eat her face off. She listens for a heartbeat downstairs and starts drooling when she hears it, so… yeah. Definitely good to go eat something before you see your creepy-ass baby, Bella. (C: Baby back ribs, anyone?)

Bella asks what’s going on with Charlie and Jacob and everyone, and Edward gets bitchface. Carlisle insists that nothing is wrong, that Jacob’s still there and that Charlie thinks she’s super sick and in Atlanta being treated by the CDC. Bella’s all “I should probably call him” but then gets all “Wait, why the eff is Jacob still here??” Everyone dodges her question.

Annie: Yeah, probably not best to tell a ‘new-born’ vampire that an adult human man has fallen in love with her creep-ass actual new-born baby.

Mari: Though having wanted to eat her own baby one second ago, her moral high ground is only slightly higher? Don’t make me actually compare murder and pedophilia.

K: The things this book has made us do. *shudder*

Edward says they should go hunt immediately, but Alice “danced across the room, dreamily graceful” to say that Edward promised she could be there “the first time.” Um. Ew?? But no, Alice means the first time that Bella sees her vampire self. She runs back in with a massive mirror from Rosalie’s room, but for some random reason we’re then treated to almost a whole page of “OMG JASPER’S VAMPIRE SCARS SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT AND HE LOOKS SUPER DANGEROUS.”


She worries about the fact that her eyes are red, and Edward tells her they’ll change over the next couple of months. Bella freaks that it will take that long, and Jasper steps in. But noooo, Special Snowflake Bella can control her emotions with almost no effort, and they’re all “Whaaaaaaa? How are you even doing that?!”

Alice wants to know what she thinks of her vampire self, and Bella’s all “IDK” before informing us that “if you looked past the dizzying beauty, it was true that her upper lip was slightly out of balance, a little too full to match the lower. Finding this familiar little flaw made me feel a tiny bit better.” OH PISS OFF, I HATE YOU.

Mari: Is this like in an interview where your weakness needs to be spun into a strength? “My upper lip is a little too full alas.” 

K: Entirely likely. 

Edward sighs and says he’s disappointed. Bella’s instantly heartbroken, and Alice growls at him. But nooo, he’s disappointed because he can’t hear her thoughts. “I guess my brain will never work right. At least I’m pretty,” Bella replies. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. ;SKLDJGAL;KSDJGAL;KSDJGLKS;DRAUSEIOTAHDNKSDHASELKGH. I hate this. I hate it so much.

  1. Stop joking about your brain “not working right” just because your stupid ass vampire husband can’t hear your thoughts. It’s gross.
  2. How is your self-esteem SO FUCKED UP that you literally can’t think you’re even remotely attractive until you’re a perfect white bloodsucking monster?

Annie: A+.

Mari: Fuck Edward, too. Your wife just stopped dying like 10 seconds ago. Maybe don’t be “disappointed” because you aren’t privy to every one of her thoughts, jerk.

Catherine: Only took him .03 seconds to make this whole thing about himself again. 

K: Why did we expect anything different…

Edward growls at her that she’s never been “merely pretty“, then pulls away because Jasper is freaking the fuck out. Bella agrees that they should go hunt and turns away from her reflection. And with that utterly pointless curbhanger, we end this stupid rage-inducing chapter. Fabulous.

Next time on Breaking Dawn: Blood eating time in Chapter 21. 

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.

Annie (all posts)

I'm a radio broadcast grad, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, and Toronto Raptors fan. Former graveyard-shift radio host and communications manager to the non-profit stars, now a freelance writer and communications advisor. I hate spoilers and weak tea.

Catherine (all posts)

I am a 25 year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.

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  • Mae

    “Apparently everything is very sharp and clear and she can see an eighth colour at the edge of the spectrum.”
    Wouldn’t that affect how she perceives the other colors though? If she’s seeing in some weird infrared or ultraviolet addition to the regular spectrum, that should fuck up how she sees everything else.

    “(M: Why doesn’t she hear all the cars on the freeway?) (C: It’s very specific vampire hearing. It’s just Spotify.) “
    LOL. She also doesn’t hear the AC working, or the fridge humming, or insects in the floors, or mice under the house, or a bird taking a crap on her windshield, or anything remotely annoying or gross. It’s not just Vampire Spotify, it’s only Pretty Vampire Spotify. But between this and being able to see so clearly (and a brand new color), why the hell isn’t she freaking out at the sensory overload? To me, this sounds like the worst migraine aura I could have.

    “Bella can see the eight colour rainbow glinting off Alice’s teeth???”
    I saw a photo from our local Pride parade where someone had painted their face and teeth as a rainbow. This is what I’m imagining now, only set in the face of a disco ball.

    “My voice rang and shimmered like a bell”
    If someone’s voice sounds like my alarm clock, I reserve the right to hit the snooze button on their face.

    “He said her name with an understated fervour. A reverence. The way devout people talked about their gods.”
    Wait, has he even SEEN his kid? If he’s been at Bella’s side the whole time, and she never heard or smelled her kid in the room, when did he spend time with the spawn to be so reverent?

    “I guess my brain will never work right. At least I’m pretty,”
    I…I just…what the…Oh, fuck you, Meyer.

    • Rosasusannah

      Edward was probably just listening in on everyone’s thoughts about the kid. Or the thoughts of the kid. Why spend time with your child when you can keep up with that main points from a distance? Parenting!

    • Alicia

      I’m still trying hard to picture someone’s voice ringing and shimmering like a bell. I just can’t do it. In the movie, the vampire’s voices don’t sound much different. I guess Meyer forgot to add in the bell sound effects to their voices.

      All the flowery language Meyer uses to describe everything mundane is so annoying and doesn’t make sense. Maybe I don’t get it because I’m not an English Major like she is.

      How about,

      ‘”Renesmee is okay” Edward informed me. He spoke of her lovingly, like a protective father.’


  • misschanandlerbong

    Longtime lurker, finally joining in! I have been waiting for this chapter and sympathize completely with gaps between chapters as the booze required for reading these probably needs some hefty recovery time. I’m sending you Internet booze to help get you through them because it’s one of the best parts of my day seeing you guys have posted something new.

    My beef with this, though it’s more the movie’s fault, is how beautiful she is after her transformation. They always talked about how female vampires can’t have babies as their bodies can’t change and that you’re stuck the way you were when you died… So, is VampBella still looking pregnant for eternity or is she back to being thin and beautiful because that’s how Meyer wants to see herself?

    It’s also frustrating that she had to give up literally nothing to achieve her “perfect” life. Had she accidentally killed Charlie or one of the wolves, it would have seemed more realistic and provided more plot. But nope, Meyer can’t kill any of her beloved characters even though it would better the story and the rest of the characters. #AndThenSheDies

    Though home girl did go through her entire human life (those incredibly hard 18 years) without open mouth kissing her husband and will be able to talk to her daughter someday about her forced “partner’s” kissing abilities. I mean, that’s punishment enough.

    • Mae

      You hit on yet another canon inconsistency. Yes, if their bodies can’t change, then Bella should look like an eviscerated pregnant woman. And Rosalie should look like she just took a beating. And Edward should look like he’s dying of the flu. And if their bodies CAN change and heal because vampire venom is the ultimate panacea, then Jasper shouldn’t have all those scars on his arms.

      • misschanandlerbong

        I didn’t even think of how awful Edward should look! Or Emmett should be missing a limb or something from his death.

      • Rosasusannah

        But didn’t Jasper get those scars after his vampirification? As in, vampire venom heals human injuries but leads to scar formation on vampire skin? Why the venom would be more damaging on their own kind makes no sense though, so it’s irrational either way.

        Maybe if they weren’t scars but actual cracks like you get when you drop a stone slate. But those look nothing like scars. The human skin equivalent would be more like flaky, dry skin. I’m doing to picture Jasper that way from now on hahahaha.

        • Mae

          So that’s why Alice buys so many skin care products – it’s for Jasper’s dry flaky skin. 🙂 And yes, he got those scars post-vamping. But if venom heals wounds, then it should heal those bites. It’s definitely irrational that venom would heal a foreign organism but leave immortal scars on the species that produces it.

          • Da Bomb From Guam Mafnas

            I kind of just love that this conversation is a thing that is happening.

  • Da Bomb From Guam Mafnas

    I can’t believe I didn’t remembered Vamp!Bella was so terrible. I think it may be because I had pretty much started skimming all the parts. Also I thought maybe Bella would stop bitching about being inadequate. Now that she’s the supermodel to end all supermodels.

    Who thinks bells sound like something you’d want to hear every time someone spoke or laughed? Not I. I’d punch people in their mouths.

    Does Bella only think she looks different because she’s a vamp now–or did the whole transformation thing work like plastic surgery? Is that how plastic surgery works? I don’t know anything anymore.

  • Joy

    Now that she’s evil and dead, it’s totally cool to want sex. :/

  • Sarah

    If I hadn’t given up on Stephie’s editor ages ago, this would have done it. I can see making mention of the changes – I spent a few minutes when I first got glasses just staring at the carpet because now it had texture – but not an entire goddamn chapter!

    I nearly lost it at ‘baby back ribs’, which would’ve been unfortunate because my husband is asleep and I don’t want to have to explain why I’m laughing at baby cannibalism. Though he has seen one of the Twilight movies so maybe he’d understand.

  • Blinvy .

    So, I’m fully blind in one eye and the other is nowhere near close to 20/20, but guess what? I can see dust floating around a room sometimes too, as long as the sun hits it properly. Guess Vamp Vision isn’t that great then?

    And while it can look really neat to see it all floating around like snow, it’s not something I would dwell on for paragraphs of writing because it isn’t that interesting and also just reminds you that you need to do some cleaning. No one wants to be reminded of needing to do chores. Chores are the worst.

  • Christie Greenwood

    If Bella had simultaneous micro- and macro-vision, she’d be effectively blind. When you focus on something, everything else gets blurry. Seeing everything at once means you can make sense of nothing. Hearing everything at once means all you can hear is a horribly cacophony that leaves you not being able to understand anything.

    I’m not a doctor or anything, but that’s just logic.

    Also, total LOL at that backflip off the table that should have had her colliding epically with the ceiling.

    And thus begins the wankiest part of this plotless Mary Sue fantasy. It’ll only get downhill from here. Be afraid. Y’all be very, very afraid. o.O

  • Alicia

    I imagine Bella singing, “Part of your world” through the whole Twilight series, except replace the word “people” in the song lyrics with “vampires” and now she’s part of their world seeing things with her new dead undead eyes. YAY.

    Also, I would think that seeing all that intense detail all the time always would be very distracting. I guess, after 100+ years the vampires “live” with it. But what if someone walks by with a face full of pimples? I guess Vamp Bella could count how many exact pimples are on that person’s face. Also, what about when someone farts? Is Bella going to see the fart particles?

    Vampire Bella is 100x worse than Human Bella. Human Bella only called Edward an AdonisGod 5000 times, now she gets to call herself a Hot Goddess and Edward a SuperAdonisGod every 2nd sentence. Because you can only be hot and attractive if you are a vampire, humans suck and can never be beautiful.

    Also, her “tasting” stuff doesn’t make sense because supposedly vampires don’t have taste Or at least, from what I remember from the first book, Edward said he couldn’t taste human food. I’m not sure about other things. Also, if she doesn’t need to breathe, how is she even gasping? And yet Bella spent the entire last chapter hearing Edward’s constant breathing (even though they don’t need to breathe) while she was in a coma. Meyer doesn’t know how to make sense at all. My brain doesn’t understand this. Meyer might as well be writing an algebra equation.

    Bella’s constant going on about how hot and perfect Edward was annoyed me even during the first reads way back then. Sure I think my boyfriend is hot and cute, but it’s not all that fills my mind every time I look at him. Bella only wanted Edward cause he was hot, Edward wanted Bella because she had floral smelling blood. Except, you know, he wanted to make her his dinner.

    So, Bella can see her voice shimmering now, too? Cause shimmering generally isn’t a word used to describe sound. Steph is supposed to be some big English major, but she can’t put together even a basic sentence.

    I think the reason that Edward and Bella never open-mouthed kissed when she was a human was because his breath probably smelled like dead animals to her, but she lied and told us readers that it smelled like mint or something to make it sound more romantic and hawt. But now that she is also a vampire, soon enough her breath will smell like the blood of animals she kills and she will think that both of their breaths smell like flowers or something.

    Um, what even is a sixty-fourth of a second? Meyer, not only did you lie to everyone about being an English Major, you cannot pretend that you know everything about math or fractions for even one fifty-eighth of a second.

    Bella’s had a baby and she clearly didn’t take any sort of pregnancy classes or even bother to look up anything about normal human pregnancies that could potentially relate to her, because her baby was super special. She has no idea about basic anything, not even that babies can’t breathe while inside you . Also…wait, did her baby have an umbilical cord? Seeing as it was encased in a sac of marble? I don’t remember any mention of an umbilical cord being cut or bitten?

    Lmfao. Now I just picture Edward getting down on his knees and shouting “RENESMEEEEEE”. Like, “Yeah, -gets down on knees- RENESMEEEE -gets back up- is fine.” And everyone staring at him like “What the fuck Edward” but Bella being totally ignorant to his weirdness because she’s so in love with His Hotness or something.

    Uh, showing someone how to do something and instinct are two different things. My cats hunt. But I didn’t teach them to do that. It’s their natural instinct. If hunting was instinct for Bella, she could just do it on her own without Edward showing her how. Duh, Meyer. God how did you even make it this far in life? How did you even become an author at all? HOW DID ONE OF THE BIGGEST PUBLISHING HOUSES IN THE U.S. NOT EVEN NOTICE THESE MISTAKES???

    Here we go with Bella describing herself as a Goddess, when before she was just a stupid, clumsy, ugly human who was worthless next to Edward, but now because she is a vampire like him she is equal to him. Maybe even a little bit better. How anyone can relate to Bella as a teenager is beyond me.

    “My brain still won’t work right. Oh well, at least I’m pretty.” THIS PROVES THIS ENTIRE BOOK IS SUPERFICIAL AND SHALLOW. I mean, yes, generally when you look at someone you can tell if you are physically attracted to them or not. Bella and Edward were physically attracted to each other (I guess, if you call Edward’s blood-sniffing physical, because in the book from his POV he goes on that she’s just like any other plain human until he can’t hear her thoughts and then the smell of her floral blood hits him like a tidal wave or something). But nothing really sweet or romantic or cute happened between them to make me think they could be compatible as a couple. In fact, Edward was a controlling freak, and Bella was a whiny judgmental bitch (to everyone but Edward because I guess, humans have flaws and Edward doesn’t so she has nothing to judge him for?) who always moped when Edward was around but laughed when Jacob was around. It’s book four, they’re married, and I STILL don’t see any romantic connections at all. All Bella thought about before and during her wedding was getting the sparkle peen, and that’s all she still thinks about even after becoming this super hot vampire.

    This book, despite attempting its best to be chaste and cute romantic YA, is actually quite perverted and there are sexual innuendos everywhere. Whenever Bella and Edward kissed, she always wanted more and the only reason they didn’t do it was because he refused to until they married. If they had done it sooner, as in during the first or last half of the first book, I have a feeling this story wouldn’t have spanned four books. One, maybe two at the most. The whole story is based on Bella’s journey to get sparkle peen. It’s not love, it’s lust.

    • Mae

      “I think the reason that Edward and Bella never open-mouthed kissed when she was a human was because his breath probably smelled like dead animals to her”

      I’ve thought that too. But I recall that they couldn’t kiss open-mouthed because he had venom on his teeth. That stuck out to me because it’s essentially murderous tooth plaque.

  • Anonyme

    Bella got the love of her life, the vampire family she loves, her baby lived, she was finally made immortal, which she whined about for 3.5 books straight, and she’s pissy because of her eye color?

  • The_v_from_the_sub_B

    Sorry, but baby with 32 teeth still creepier than Jacob pedofiling or Bella drooling.