Previously: Bella was in a lot of pain and no one gave a shit.
Kirsti: Hahahaha, LUCKY ME I GET TO RECAP THE CHAPTER WHERE BELLA JUST LOOKS AT THINGS WITH HER NEW VAMPIRE EYEBALLS.
Annie: Still recovering from the birth chapter, so… I love you, but I do not have the emotional capacity to show sympathy for you rn.
Marines: On the brightish side, our readers will certainly be v sympathetic to our long bouts of silence, surely.
Catherine: I can’t see how they wouldn’t be. They are very charitable.
K: We can but hope.
Apparently everything is very sharp and clear and she can see an eighth colour at the edge of the spectrum. Piss all the way off, Bella. She can see the grains of wood in the ceiling and then she watches the dust floating about in the air for a while. Seriously.
Then we’re treated to this: “The dust was so beautiful that I inhaled in shock.” Yeah. Beautiful dust. That’s a thing when you’re a vampire, apparently.
Annie: STFU, Vampire Bella. You’re infinity times worse than Human Bella.
Mari: It’s only been a couple of sentences too, dear God.
Catherine: She gasps SO MUCH. IT’S CONSTANT. HOW DOES SHE NOT PASS OUT MORE?!
K: I have no idea. But even if she did pass out more, I’m sure that Steph would narrate right through the entire thing, because that’s how she rolls.
Anyway, inhaling in shock makes Bella realise that she no longer needs to inhale because vampires don’t have functioning lungs and yet can speak. Whatever. Oh, but even though she doesn’t need to breathe, she LIKES it because she can taste everything now?? Yeah. She can taste the dust. And the “lush whiff of silk.” And “something that should be moist, but wasn’t“????? Sense: this doesn’t any make.
Mari: Also, we just spent a whole damn chapter (as in the last one) hearing over and over about Edward’s breathing. So… he doesn’t have to breathe but he was doing it rhythmically because… he was tasting dust while Bella was in a coma? Okay, Meyer. Okay.
K: Mmm. Dust. Delish.
Once she’s done tasting dust and other shit that has no flavour, we get to hear about how her ears have been upgraded to VampSound 2.0. She can hear the rest of the Cullens breathing even though they don’t need to, and she can hear rap music playing from a car on the freeway. (M: Why doesn’t she hear all the cars on the freeway?) (C: It’s very specific vampire hearing. It’s just Spotify.)
She suddenly realises that someone is holding her hand and she freaks the fuck out because that person feels warm and ONLY COLD PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO TOUCH HER, GOD. Her body automatically jumps into hissing vamp mode “with a low, menacing sound like swarm of bees.” I just… Steph. Girl. STAHP.
But Steph doesn’t stahp. Bella does some backflips or some shit because apparently being a vampire means you’re good at gymnastics? And the world doesn’t go blurry when she flips around. She can still see all the floaty dust and the wood grains in the ceiling and OH MY GOD I DON’T CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE.
Eventually, she realises that the person who was holding her hand was Edward, and realises that obviously he won’t feel like a popsicle any more because she’s ALSO a popsicle.
Mari: If she starts suddenly loving warm skin, and we went through 3.5 books of fetishizing marble and concrete, I’m going to LOSE IT.
Catherine: Get ready, girl. Get ready to have to find it again.
Alice and Jasper and Emmett are lurking behind Edward, and Bella can see the eight colour rainbow glinting off Alice’s teeth??? You guys, this chapter is so fucking stupid I’ve run out of snark.
And then. THEN. Fuck it, I need more booze.
Okay. Let’s do this. *deep breath*
THEN. She looks at Edward and OMG HE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING OF ALL THE THINGS AND SHE KNOWS SHE THOUGHT THAT WHEN SHE SAW HIM WITH HER HUMAN EYEBALLS BUT HUMAN EYEBALLS ARE FUCKING STUPID AND VAMPIRE EYEBALLS HAVE SUPERPOWERS OKAY AND EDWARD IS EVERY ATTRACTIVE PERSON ON THE PLANET FROM ALL OF HISTORY SMOOSHED INTO ONE ENTITY. Or something. (A: Oof. Or something indeed.)
Mari: I wonder why Meyer felt this was necessary. I mean, apart from us and other people who hate read, everyone else who got to this point of the book was sold on popsicle dick. We don’t need to know that his hotness went from 480 to 1080p thanks to vampire eyeballs.
Edward walks slowly towards her, “each step taking nearly half a second“(?!?!) and tells her in a super calm tone that he knows it’s disorienting but everything is going to be fine. She wonders if that “fine” includes her parents and Renesmee and Jacob and the rest of the wolves and then gets all “BUT WAIT! I’m a newbie vampire and all I should be feeling is thirsty. And yeah, I feel thirsty but I also feel all this other stuff??” Because yeah. Bella Swan is a fucking special snowflake vampire who skips over all the newbie stuff and goes straight to being able to control herself because of course she is.
Edward looks at her with a questioning eyebrow, and she throws herself into his arms. In case you were wondering, he smells like Edward. Cool. Glad we established that. Except that she has newbie vamp strength, so he’s all “Ow, please don’t squish me.” She marvels at the concept of being stronger than perfect perfect Edward. (A: FFS.)
Apparently maintaining a train of thought is hard when dust is beautiful or whatever, but she finally gets her shit together enough to tell Edward that she loves him. “My voice rang and shimmered like a bell” she tells us because she doesn’t have a boring human voice any more. She has a magic tinkly vampire voice. Obviously.
Mari: If someone sounded like a damn bell every time they talked to me, I would tell them to shut up ALL THE TIME.
K: Legit. My brother’s cat is sitting next to me right now and every time he moves, the bell on his collar jingles and IT’S GETTING REALLY ANNOYING REALLY DAMN FAST.
Anyway. Edward returns the sentiment and they kiss. And Bella’s immediately hit by a different kind of thirst because OMG NOW EDWARD CAN OPEN HIS MOUTH WHEN THEY KISS WHAT IS THIS MADNESS.
Mari: These two have made a baby, but never open mouth kissed.
Can we go back to when Bella was complaining about rain and confused by the sun?
K: Please and thank you.
Emmett’s all “Uh, hi? Still standing right here” and they stop making out. Edward tells her that now it’s her turn not to break him and UGH MY BRAIN WENT STRAIGHT TO THAT EPISODE OF GREY’S ANATOMY WHERE A GUY COMES IN WITH A BROKEN PENIS AND NOOOO WHYYYYYYY I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE SPARKLE PEEN. (C: EWWWWW)
Carlisle arrives and asks Bella how she feels. “I considered that for a sixty-fourth of a second.” What in the actual fuck.
Annie: It’s because she has the super vampire super speed and not only is she now perfect and wonderful and can walk and talk super fast, she can also THINK super fast, because she is special and perfect now. Duh.
Mari: She also got a stopwatch in her brain. Probably.
Catherine: She still can’t fucking reduce fractions so w/e. Not that smart.
She says it’s overwhelming but she still feels like her. Carlisle marvels at her control and asks what she remembers of the transformation process because he wants to know if the morphine helped. She remembers that the baby couldn’t breathe (Dude. They generally can’t when they’re IN YOUR FUCKING UTERUS) and Edward assures her that Renesmee is fine. And then we get this bullshit:
He said her name with an understated fervour. A reverence. The way devout people talked about their gods.
Are you shitting me right now? What even is this?
Mari: Like… did he suddenly bow down and sing out RENESMEEEEEE in the middle of his sentence?! No, probably just awful writing again? Cool.
Catherine: I’m impressed, actually. Because I can’t say Renesmee without grimacing. Such a shitty name.
K: It really really is. And there was a kid behind me at the shopping mall the other weekend named Branch. I’d still rather be named Branch than Renesmee.
Anyway, Bella lies and says it’s hard to remember the transformation. Carlisle’s amazed and she expects to be given away by blushing before remembering she can never blush ever again. Carlisle wants more details but Bella’s suddenly distracted by wanting all of the blood ever. Edward suggests they go hunting together, informing her that it’s all instinct and that he’ll show her how. So… it’s NOT instinct? (M: lol.)
She laughs and marvels at her new tinkly vampire laugh, then says that she wants to see Renesmee before they go. Edward’s all “Uhhhhh, no?” on account of Renesmee has a heartbeat and Bella might eat her face off. She listens for a heartbeat downstairs and starts drooling when she hears it, so… yeah. Definitely good to go eat something before you see your creepy-ass baby, Bella. (C: Baby back ribs, anyone?)
Bella asks what’s going on with Charlie and Jacob and everyone, and Edward gets bitchface. Carlisle insists that nothing is wrong, that Jacob’s still there and that Charlie thinks she’s super sick and in Atlanta being treated by the CDC. Bella’s all “I should probably call him” but then gets all “Wait, why the eff is Jacob still here??” Everyone dodges her question.
Annie: Yeah, probably not best to tell a ‘new-born’ vampire that an adult human man has fallen in love with her creep-ass actual new-born baby.
Mari: Though having wanted to eat her own baby one second ago, her moral high ground is only slightly higher? Don’t make me actually compare murder and pedophilia.
K: The things this book has made us do. *shudder*
Edward says they should go hunt immediately, but Alice “danced across the room, dreamily graceful” to say that Edward promised she could be there “the first time.” Um. Ew?? But no, Alice means the first time that Bella sees her vampire self. She runs back in with a massive mirror from Rosalie’s room, but for some random reason we’re then treated to almost a whole page of “OMG JASPER’S VAMPIRE SCARS SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT AND HE LOOKS SUPER DANGEROUS.”
Anyway, Bella looks in the stupid mirror and is all “OMG WHO IS THAT SHE IS A GODDESS AND LITERALLY THE MOST PERFECT CREATURE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND SHE LOOKS LITERALLY NOTHING LIKE ME” and uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. I hate this.
She worries about the fact that her eyes are red, and Edward tells her they’ll change over the next couple of months. Bella freaks that it will take that long, and Jasper steps in. But noooo, Special Snowflake Bella can control her emotions with almost no effort, and they’re all “Whaaaaaaa? How are you even doing that?!”
Alice wants to know what she thinks of her vampire self, and Bella’s all “IDK” before informing us that “if you looked past the dizzying beauty, it was true that her upper lip was slightly out of balance, a little too full to match the lower. Finding this familiar little flaw made me feel a tiny bit better.” OH PISS OFF, I HATE YOU.
Mari: Is this like in an interview where your weakness needs to be spun into a strength? “My upper lip is a little too full alas.”
K: Entirely likely.
Edward sighs and says he’s disappointed. Bella’s instantly heartbroken, and Alice growls at him. But nooo, he’s disappointed because he can’t hear her thoughts. “I guess my brain will never work right. At least I’m pretty,” Bella replies. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. ;SKLDJGAL;KSDJGAL;KSDJGLKS;DRAUSEIOTAHDNKSDHASELKGH. I hate this. I hate it so much.
- Stop joking about your brain “not working right” just because your stupid ass vampire husband can’t hear your thoughts. It’s gross.
- How is your self-esteem SO FUCKED UP that you literally can’t think you’re even remotely attractive until you’re a perfect white bloodsucking monster?
- STFU FOREVER
Mari: Fuck Edward, too. Your wife just stopped dying like 10 seconds ago. Maybe don’t be “disappointed” because you aren’t privy to every one of her thoughts, jerk.
Catherine: Only took him .03 seconds to make this whole thing about himself again.
K: Why did we expect anything different…
Edward growls at her that she’s never been “merely pretty“, then pulls away because Jasper is freaking the fuck out. Bella agrees that they should go hunt and turns away from her reflection. And with that utterly pointless curbhanger, we end this stupid rage-inducing chapter. Fabulous.
Next time on Breaking Dawn: Blood eating time in Chapter 21.