Breaking Dawn Chapter 21 – Vampire Obstacle Course

Previously: Everyone was HD pretty because that’s a vampire thing.

Marines: Bella looks out the window, kind of hesitating about jumping from the second story. She says she isn’t afraid of heights, but with her HD vision, she can now see the sharpness of the rocks below even better… What kind of MF rocks do they have below this second story window, for goodness’s sake? I don’t care how good your vision is, HOW SHARP COULD THEY BE?

Catherine: Apparently the Cullen Cult moved to a damn lighthouse at some point when we weren’t paying attention. 

Mari: Which could’ve been mostly any point, to be honest.

Kirsti: Don’t be ridiculous, y’all. Even GRAVEL has ridiculously sharp edges when you have magic vampire eyes. Jeez. 

Mari: Edward has to explain to Bella that they are jumping out the window to keep Bella away from Renesmee and Jacob downstairs. You know, so Bella won’t kill them. Bella wonders if the baby will be okay with Jacob, seeing how as far as Bella knows, Jacob doesn’t like Renesmee. Edward pulls an odd face and says it’s fine because he knows exactly what Jacob is thinking.

Ew.

Annie: Can’t believe I’m saying this, but good on Edward for not ripping Jacob’s head clean off his body after reading Jacob’s thoughts about his NEWBORN daughter. Oh, wait. Maybe that should be “where the fuck is Edward’s parenting instinct that perhaps he shouldn’t leave his newborn child with a predator?” Yeah. That feels better.

Catherine: But like… what is he thinking, though? “Can’t wait till you’re a grown up so we can fuck?” Is he reading up on the age of consent laws in Washington? Like? What does that comment mean here if we’re supposed to think that their relationship is perfectly innocent? 

K: Excuse me while I vomit profusely. WHY, STEPH. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Mari: A question for the ages.

Bella is still not sure about jumping out of a window, especially because at some point while she was dead, Alice dressed her up in blue silk and stilettos. For real. Edward jumps first, showing her how to do it. Bella copies his movements and finds that she sails through the air so slowly, that it’s easy to land delicately. Edward compliments her graceful “even for a vampire” jump. Because have you gotten the memo that Bella is of course the super best new vampire that ever was? And that all her previous problems of clumsiness, plain Jane looks and aversion to blood are gone? Cured? GEDDIT?

Don’t worry if you don’t. I think we might talk about it again.

K: O RLY? I thought for SURE that would only be mentioned the once. 

Catherine: Bella being a vampire that fainted at the sight of blood would have made this shit interesting for at least a minute. 

Mari: So, obviously that isn’t what happened.

Bella takes off her heels and throws them back through the window. She takes off running along with Edward and their next challenge is jumping over a river. If this turns out to be a vampire obstacle course chapter with eating animals at the end…

Annie: Is this like my brother eating a cheeseburger after he completed his tough mudder run?

Mari: Yeah, but worse.

Edward demonstrates how to jump over a river. Bella gets nervous again, but this time about hurting the forest because she’s so strong. Everything is so fragile compared to her. Bella gets ready to jump, but her dress rips. She rips the other side to match and everyone watching her from the house laughs, including Jacob. Bella pauses to wonder yet again what Jacob is doing there. They are really building up this reveal to pedophilia, huh? Pedophilia is what he’s still doing there.

Annie: This is the fucking worst. How do people defend this trash?

K: So a month or so ago, I mentioned Twilight in a list of popular books I hated. The number of “Twilight is shit, but it’s not racist!” comments I get on that video is R.I.D.I.C.U.L.O.U.S. Apparently even people who don’t like this trash defend this trash. 

Mari: Wow, that kills my hope for humanity thank you.

Edward is finally like “…hello?” so Bella jumps. Of course, it’s super easy and actually she jumps too far and her new mental vampire stopwatch tells her it took an eighty-fourth of a second to cross the river. (C: This narrative device could not be more annoying.) (K: I suspect it probably could if it got all “It took me thirty nine eighty fourths of a second to roll my eyes.”) (M: So the only way to make it more annoying is to use it more, got it.)

Bella jumped twice as far as Edward, who has all this shock and surprise in his eyes. Bella wants to jump again, but Edward reminds her they are on a hunting trip and challenges her to a run as the next part of the vampire obstacle course.

Bella admits that Edward is faster than she is. PLOT TWIST! Wait, no, but she is stronger than he is so she actually keeps up perfectly fine because her strides are longer? Because of her strength? That doesn’t exactly make sense to me but it may in fact be because four pages into this chapter and I feel like my brain is already bleeding out of my ears.

K: I’m currently in Romania, about 15,200 kilometres from my copy of Breaking Dawn and I still feel like my brain is bleeding out of my ears.

Mari: As Bella runs, she can see everything clearly and everything feels warm and soft and also she can hear all the fear of all the animals in the forest. She expects to be winded, but breath comes easily. Which is different than “vampires don’t need to breathe” but we can’t actually expect Meyer to keep details like that straight, even in her own thing. Which she wrote.

Edward stops because Bella’s taken to like super jumping all the way to Canada, or something. Bella BIG SIGHS and runs back to where Edward is. He tells her that they are hunting elk because it’s easy enough for her first time. She bristles at that, but she’s hungry, so it’s whatever. She’s also briefly distracted by Edward’s lips, but then the bloodlust sets in and we all definitely don’t know because we aren’t awful what a mood killer bloodlust is.

K: Pretty sure 90% of the vampires in Buffy would disagree, but whatever.

Mari: Bella is like ELK NOW, but Edward wants to teach her. He makes her close her eyes and listen to sounds, so we get a paragraph list of forest sounds ending in blood rushing. Then he makes her smell things and we get a paragraph of forest smells, ending with animal blood.

Super Bella gets all in tune with her inner hunter and things are going easily until she gets a big whiff of something more appealing than elk. Bella starts running for it and growling, even going so far as… growling at Edward OMG. That makes her snap out of her blood lust and she high tails it out of human blood smelling distance. She even stops breathing, which is weird, because I guess she isn’t tasting the dust in the air, or whatever.

Catherine: Does this bitch need to breath or not, Meyer? MAKE UP YOUR MIND. 

K: Apparently it’s an optional extra, except stupid?

Mari: Edward follows her and catches up very quickly. This makes Bella stop dead in her tracks because did Edward really let her win when she was super jumping to Canada? RUDE. They don’t actually discuss that because Edward wants to know how Bella was able to not murder someone. She doesn’t have an explanation that satisfies Edward so he just laughs and goes on and on about how special Bella is with her ability to not be a blood hungry monster. Wow. How convenient. Wouldn’t have been a good look if your MC started draining people of blood, right? Wouldn’t want to pay off on 3.5 books of build-up about how dangerous new born vamps, would you? Conflict, schmonflict.

Bella briefly gets flirty with Edward, but he redirects her attention to drinking blood again. She listens very intently until she finds another animal and takes off hunting again. This time, it’s a lion. NO EASY ELK FOR HER. SHE’S SPECIAL.

Annie: A lion. Is she so fucking special she jumped across the ocean to Africa? Why the fuck is there a lion in the woods in Washington? And if she means mountain lion, why doesn’t Meyer, who loves to use too many words, choose to exclude that word here? If I ask enough questions will this book disappear?

K: We can but hope. FRIENDS, ASK ALL YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENTS SO WE CAN SEE IF THE BOOK VANISHES.

Mari: I’ll start: Why, God? Why?

She tackles the (mountain) lion and drinks it dry. She stands up, seeing she’s kind of a mess. She thinks Edward disapproves, but really he says it was just difficult for him to stand by and watch her wrestle a mountain lion. They briefly flirt over Bella’s torn dress and then go hunt some deer.

I really don’t want to be reading about flirting over exposed skin next to a sentence where they are sucking deer blood together. I REALLY DON’T WANT THIS. (C: It truly is a whole new kind of awful.) 

Bella watches Edward to see how he hunts neatly. Oh shit, I spoke too soon because the sexy hunting thing gets more explicit: it was a surprising sensual experience to observe Edward hunting. She goes into detail about his sexy sexy body as he darts for deer to drink, but I will spare you but mostly myself. I skimmed it.

K: It merely serves to confirm my suspicions that SMeyer wants to fuck Edward. 

Mari: Thankfully, Bella is finally full. She’s ready to go back home and see Renesmee. But first, she strokes Edward’s face for a long time and they make-out. She tells us about how much more she can love Edward with her upgraded brain and upgraded heart. (For real.) She figures if Alice and Jasper and whoever all have special powers, maybe hers is loving Edward a lot. Dear god. Is this bitch serious? (C: I guess we should just be glad that Meyer didn’t actually go with that.) 

Their kissing gets so intense that she pushes Edward over, but he doesn’t mind. Alas, they are going to stop making out and go visit Renesmee now. Is there no other sex scene in this book besides the one that got Bella pregnant? Are they just gonna be like “hungry?” or “wanna go see our child?” or “smell something?” every time they start making out with tongue?

Annie: Yes. Because the moral of this story is, even if you’re married: 

 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: Wanna go see our child? in Chapter 22. 

 

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Annie (all posts)

I'm a radio broadcast grad, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, and Toronto Raptors fan. Former graveyard-shift radio host and communications manager to the non-profit stars, now a freelance writer and communications advisor. I hate spoilers and weak tea.





Catherine (all posts)

I am a 25 year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





Kirsti (all posts)

I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and tweet about the random crap that happens to me on public transport more than I should.





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Books Breaking Dawn Twilight Saga

  • Caitlin Vanasse

    I can’t believe I’m saying this but, I feel like if Meyer wanted to actually display that imprinting is similar to but not the exact same as romantic love she needed someone to imprint on someone they aren’t attracted to the gender of. Like a gay werewolf imprinting on a woman in a protective and friendly but I don’t want to sex you up way. But that would not happen, I guess.

    ALSO, I am still pissed that Leah, the most interesting character, didn’t get more story.n (her name is Leah right? The female werewolf? It’s been like 7 years since I read these.)

    • But imprinting was always telegraphed as romantic, not unromantic. From the beginning, Jacob was wah-wah-wahing about not having imprinted yet and Sam and the other girl were bonded in forever love even though he mutilated her because of imprinting. And there was another werewolf that imprinted on a toddler and there was some nonsense about being there for her like a brother until she was older or something. I mean, I read these books way more recently but I don’t remember it either ha ha ha.

      But yeah Leah is her name. Definitely the least worst character.

      • Caitlin Vanasse

        Once again, Stephenie Meyer takes romanticization of stalking/stalker behavior to a whole new level.

        #whyyyyyyyyy

        Like can you imagine if Leah implanted on a guy? How would he react? These dudes being like “I imprinted on this human who necessarily can’t have the same experience and I’mma stay close to her forever and cock-block all other men.” is like the Alpha-holiest Alpha-hole behavior. (you know, next to straight up sexual assault/rape because he can just tell she wants it because of how her body responds even though verbally she says no. Sorry, I’ve had some very dub-con reading recently and am still mad about it.)

        • We also wondered on Leah implanting on someone and how that would go but Leah is only ever around to be even! more! angsty! than Jacob, I guess. She has very little purpose.

      • Joy

        EWWWWWWWWIE TEH GAYZ
        I seem to remember some big thing when this shit first came out that it was a Big Deal where Smeyer was all, “IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE ROMANTIC.” Except she spends the entire three and a half books before this saying that it does? So… Yeah.

        Then again, she and continuity aren’t exactly on speaking terms.

        • She doesn’t even know who continuity is.

          And also, by setting up imprinting as a direct opposite of vampiric twoo luff, I mean, did she really think she could come back late and be like, “I MEANT FRIENDSHIP TOO.”

          Sure, Stephykins. Sure.

    • Rosasusannah

      If a gay werewolf imprinted on a woman in an SMeyer book, it would definitely be some hetero propaganda romantic bullshit. In the first place, didn’t they conjecture that the whole phenomenon was to ensure the strongest little wolf puppies possible? So if the whole idea is about procreation, the relationship would most certainly be sexual. A platonic love would be so refreshing to read about but best look for it elsewhere…

      • Caitlin Vanasse

        So true. I initially imagined a straight vampire imprinting on a dude but was worried that would lead to lots of homophobic dialogue/subtext.

        Also I completely forgot imprinting was about shapeshifter breeding and now that I’ve been reminded that that is explicitly said. This is so so so so bad. It feeds into so many bad stereotypes about a American Indians and is supposed to be romantic but is terrible.

        Also, does Jacob imprinting on Renesme confirm she can procreate? The weird half vamps are fertile?

    • Christie Greenwood

      The inherent problem with imprinting is that it’s designed to further the wolf gene. That means that it’s always sexual. There is no non-sexual imprinting. What Jacob is doing is child grooming. His personality got erased to match whatever the imprintee wants, which is all kinds of creepy, and guess what? She doesn’t get a choice. She doesn’t get to refuse him; none of them do. The option doesn’t even pop up once. Imprinting is a deep, black well of horrors that will never run dry.

      • Caitlin Vanasse

        I had forgotten it was that terrible and now I kind of want to vomit.

        Also, why would Sam not imprint on Leah if she literally also had the gene unless they’re trying too spread it out more? (It was Sam whose imprinting broke him and Leah up right?)

        • Mae

          I’ve also questioned why Sam didn’t imprint on Leah. If the goal is to create stronger wolves, then two strong wolf genetic lines would do that. It just furthers the idea many readers have that Leah represents some real life person Meyer dislikes and therefore she gets nothing good (while being accidentally awesome).

          • Christie Greenwood

            There are two exquisitely charming explanations for this.

            The in-universe explanation is that in addition to all the shit that gets heaped on Leah, the wolfing made her infertile. It’s unclear whether this state of affairs is permanent. SMeyer never answered that question. Leah even calls herself a “genetic dead end”, which is just the misogynistic cherry on top of the shit sundae that is the Twilight ‘saga’ (blergh).

            The real-world explanation is that Leah is the resident Scary Sue. She’s there to call Bell-Bell out on her bullshit and to be both proven wrong and abused by the narration.

          • snickerdoodles

            what i don’t get is if wolfing out made Leah sterile, how come it doesn’t make the males sterile? i’m sure meyer didn’t answer that either.

          • Christie Greenwood

            Nope, she didn’t, because she doesn’t know the first thing about her own universe. Also because she hates women, particularly non-white ones. She failed to explain why male vamps can knock a girl up, too. If they are unchanging, they should be good for one load of vampire sperm. They shouldn’t be able to generate more. That’s just stupid. But we already knew that. XD

      • The Bad Slayer
  • Mae

    “at some point while she was dead, Alice dressed her up in blue silk and stilettos.”
    A) that’s creepy. Alice would know Bella was in agony while essentially dying and she’s using her as a Barbie. B) how did Bella not notice someone was lifting her up and moving her to undress her and dress her again? She narrated every little breath of Edward’s but paid no attention to this? And
    C) who the ever loving fuck would put a newborn vampire in that? They’re supposed to be insatiable killing machines who are more likely to attack humans. So, Alice basically dressed her up to better lure in human prey but make it harder to chase down animal prey.

    “she actually keeps up perfectly fine because her strides are longer? Because of her strength?”
    Edward is supposed to be about 6’0” tall and she’s like 5’4” or something. How is her stride the same length as his? Not only does Meyer not have a face, she apparently doesn’t have legs.

    “Bella watches Edward to see how he hunts neatly. Oh shit, I spoke too soon because the sexy hunting thing gets more explicit: it was a surprising sensual experience to observe Edward hunting.”
    How can you be neat about puncturing a jugular on an animal that’s desperately trying to either
    fight back or flee? As for the rest…I sort of get what Meyer was attempting (and failing) to do. Anne Rice did it better – showing how feeding engages all of a vampire’s senses and how it feels amazing to give in to their instincts. But since there is nothing remotely sensual about Meyer or her writing, we get ‘wow, you murdered a helpless animal. Take me, you stud.’

    • Caitlin Vanasse

      “‘wow, you murdered a helpless animal. Take me, you stud.’”

      lol, I actually had to actively stifle the giggles I got from this. Man, this book is truly terrible.

    • The wardrobe change really freaked me out too, especially because she later tears it and everyone laughs at her like ha ha ha, we dressed her up but look she tore it while hunting in the woods. Um… did no one guess this would happen? Did you decide to dress up a dying woman for your own later amusement? WHAT IS HAPPENING.

      The strides thing is really nonsensical, but hilariously, Edward later bests Bella easily, so he was faking being slower. So, basically, as Bella is beating Edward she’s thinking to herself, “oh wow, I’m so good at this! My strides must be longer or something!” And she was totally wrong because she’s not smart and also because her husband was trying her.

      True Blood ties blood and sex very closely too, but it’s human blood? Which blood play isn’t something I think I could ever be super excited about, but the whole aspect of feeding off a human during sex or the sensation of blood feeling being a turn on is quite different than I watched you kill a baby deer and suck it dry, let’s do it on these twigs. Quite different.

    • Jamie Miller

      I’m not saying this isn’t stupid, but she’d have to be taking more steps, which are apparently faster than Edward’s strides. Sorry that’s the Exercise Science/Sprint training talking (running mechanics and how to go faster at different stride lengths/step rate), which SMeyer has no clue about, because that would be too much work.

      • She’d be taking more, faster, shorter strides, right? NOT longer strides which of all the many words Meyer could’ve used to describe what was happening…

        • Jamie Miller

          Yes, Bella would be taking more steps with her shorter strides, because her stride length is going to be shorter than Edward’s, who would be taking longer strides with less steps. But because Bella is supervamp none of this apparently applies.

  • Jamie Miller

    Didn’t they claim they weren’t going very far? If they were in the Olympic National Park ‘hunting’, there is no fucking way this bitch could jump to Canada without jumping over the Strait of Juan de Fuca or the Puget Sound without being seen by someone. Oh wait, SMeyer would cheat and say, “Well they just swam the rest of the way,” when they ultimately fell into the water. I suppose it’s too hard to look at maps or learn distances for SMeyer

    • Mae

      Well, if they can drive 200 mph through Forks without anyone noticing, I suppose they can run to Canada without anyone noticing. Even across major waterways. Yeah, none of it makes sense.

      • Jamie Miller

        Yes I’ve been trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. I am ashamed.

        • Mae

          I feel your pain. I keep trying to slit the throats of her sparklepires with Occam’s Razor but they won’t die.

  • whiteraven13

    “It merely serves to confirm my suspicions that SMeyer wants to fuck Edward. ”

    She’s on record as saying that she’d leave her husband and children in a heartbeat if Edward showed up at her door

    • Mae

      O_o She’d leave her kids for a domineering douchebag that doesn’t even exist?

      She’s one of those writers who thinks her characters are her imaginary friends that dictate their life stories to her, isn’t she?

      • Oh, we read one of her FAQs once and in New Moon when Edward left Bella and Meyer was like, “look I didn’t want Edward to leave Bella either, but that’s what he wanted to do…!”

        Sigh.

        • Christie Greenwood

          Which is all kinds of hilarious because her stupid characters act OOC all the damn time, and she’s all “OMG my characters are so real they have a mind of their own HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT I AM AN AUTHOR A REAL AUTHOR I DO AUTHOR STUFF”

          * sigh *

      • Christie Greenwood

        For Jacob, too! 8D

        Actually, more like D8

        That is one weird lady.

  • Christie Greenwood

    Bella Swan IS God Mode Sue!!!! * fanfare *

    Everything reeks of fail here, but you want to know what’s really scary? Human Bella had no goals except become an undead parasitic monster, and now, everyone is super surprised that she didn’t eat a human being – including herself. I know SMeyer just meant to showcase Bella’s awesome Sue powers, but it’s riddled with horrifying implications. It means Bella went into this fully expecting to eat people in order to quench her thirst (which doesn’t seem so bad judging by the narration, anyway). She begged and bullied Wardo into making her this dreadful thing believing she’d murder innocent folks – everyone did. And she was okay with that. She didn’t even once waste a thought on the humans she might end up mauling, on the lives she might destroy. Violent murder and cannibalism have been sanitised by SMeyer to such a degree that she doesn’t even see it anymore. They’re treated as “slip-ups” upon which Patriarch Cullen frowns upon disapprovingly. Later, when the human-munching “allies” swarm the scene, “meal-times” are described as “dicey”. But the Cullens “gallantly” lend out cars so that the vamps can eat people elsewhere. As long as it isn’t someone you know, it’s cool to commit murder. I’m putting some of the words into quotation marks because those are actual quotes.

    And the worst part is not even that SMeyer doesn’t understand what she’s writing (or think about it). When people pointed these unfortunate implications out to her, she snootily wrote a rambling commentary online how her vampires are justified in killing because no-one can catch them anyway. It’s still online if you want to read it (something called Personal Correspondence #12). Frankly, it’s horrifying. No wonder some good people think she’s a fucking sociopath.