Breaking Dawn Chapter 22 – Infinity Stupid

Previously: Bella hunts and is special.

Annie: We open the chapter with Bella talking about how her new special vampire brain is much bigger than her human brain because now she has room in there for questions about her daughter…

K: Dafuq?

Marines: She literally calls her brain strange, new and “roomy.” ROOMY.

I… I don’t think that’s giving off the vibe you want, airhead.

Annie: Bella asks ‘him’ about Renesmee. I assume the ‘him’ is Edward, because that who she was with at the end of the last chapter. But Meyer doesn’t identify him, even though we’re at the start of a new chapter.

Catherine: It’s okay, Meyer. I like to forget about him, too.

Annie: Bella describes the way Edward talks about their special vampbaby in ‘almost religious devotion‘ and gets jealous because Edward knows the kid and she doesn’t. This description is gonna get really old, really fast.

Mari: Also, Bella shouldn’t be jealous because Edward CHEATED since he’s been Skyping the baby since the womb.

Annie: Edward says the kid is the perfect mix of them; half him, half her. (C: Yes? This is how babies typically work.) He tells her that the baby has a heartbeat, is faster and warmer than a human and she needs to sleep. She has hard vampire skin, prefers blood to baby formula and that she’s super smart, because of course. Edward tells Bella that the baby isn’t talking yet, but she is communicating with them effectively. He’s weird about it, so I’m sure there is more to the story. Bella blinks because she’s surprised to learn babies can communicate. Edward says that Bella will see what he means later because it’s hard to explain.

Kirsti: Except that it’s not hard to explain at all. Like, if Bella can deal with Alice seeing the future and Edward reading people’s thoughts and Jasper being able to control people’s emotions, there’s no reason why she couldn’t handle Renesmee’s stupid power. SMeyer is just doing this to create artificial tension and it’s INFURIATING.

Mari: Unless that baby is playing Pictionary out of the womb, it’s really not that big a deal. Not only because POWERS are a thing in this universe but because this baby was super fast growing and came with a full set of teeth. Nothing else can surprise us, no matter how much SMeyer tries.

Catherine: Please don’t remind me about the teeth. 

Annie: Bella asks about Jacob. She wants to know why he’s still there, especially after everything Bella put him through. Edward says Jacob isn’t suffering, but he might change all that. Bella is confused by Eddie’s hostility and argues that Jacob has given up everything to protect them. Bella remembers the feeling of needing to have Jacob nearby,  feeling shame and guilt for feeling those feelings. She doesn’t feel that way anymore and attributes them to being a weak, stupid human. Edward again tells Bella that she will see what he means, but that he promised that he’d let Jacob explain it. He tells her that once she knows what’s going on, she’ll probably feel hostile towards him, too. Edward takes time to make a comment about how annoying it is that he can’t read her mind.

K: Again, with the creation of artificial tension. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Catherine: This is something that has always weirded me out (even more so than EVERYTHING) about this series. Bella had this “need” to have Jacob close when she was human and Jacob felt the same about her, like they were drawn to each other. But then you find out that he actually imprinted on Renesmee and that “need” was actually between them and you have to think…that started before the baby was conceived. They were talking about needing to be close and Bella needing Jacob back in New Moon. So…was he imprinting on her egg? Why didn’t he feel the same way about Edward? Shouldn’t he have had this ‘need’ to be close to Edward’s jizz? That was Renesmee, too after all.  It’s a valid question and I would like an answer. 

Annie: Oh, jeez. So if that particular egg hadn’t been fertilized, we could’ve skipped all this bullshit? Great. I can’t even let my mind go there. This is so fucked up.

Mari: Also, this entire conversation is happening while they are super fast running back from the edge of Canada, or whatever. In case it wasn’t already awkward enough in your mind.

Annie: I completely forgot about that. I guess vampires don’t get winded running. Because they’re super special and the best forever.

Bella is too focused on Jacob and trying to figure out what his deal is. Apparently her new vampire brain may be roomy, but that doesn’t mean her vamp-transition has made her any smarter. Edward pets her face and tells her that the transition to a vampire is a lot harder than she’s making it look.

Edward tells Bella that they better get her home, but not before he looks her over and decides she is showing too much skin, so he fixes this by making himself more naked. He gives her his shirt to wear.

Bella challenges him to race home. They run off and Bella is lagging behind until she uses her super-vampire strength to jump across the river super fast? IDK, guys.

She lands and is listening for Edward but instead hears a heart beating. Edward appears beside her and holds her by ‘the tops’ of her arms, telling her not to breathe. I think he means smell? Because vamps are dead and don’t breathe, but okay.

Mari: THEY TOO DO BREATHE. They just don’t ~*need*~ to breathe, they only choose to breathe rhythmically and sometimes they like gasp and stuff and la la la magic breathing making this up as I go ha ha ha ha I’m Stephenie Meyer.

Annie: We’ve come to the point in the series where it’s broken our brains and our spirits.

Jacob is standing near the edge of the forest and Bella can hear two more hearts beating, as well as the sound of wolves pacing. Edward tells Jacob this is probably not the best time, but Jacob reasons it would be way better for them to see if Bella tries to eat his face off, because he has his wolf super-healing powers, before exposing her to an infant. Edward agrees to this, but he’s mad about it, and apparently so is Leah who growls from the forest. Furiously.

Mari: FROM THE FOREST. She can’t even be in the scene in wolf form, damn.

Annie: We wouldn’t want the least terrible character in the whole book to get page time, that would be silly. 

Bella is wondering why Edward can’t play nice with her BFF. She goes on for half a page about why would he want to protect her, the baby, whether or not they were still friends. Jacob calls her a freak show and Bella is relieved. Edward, not so much. He growls at Jacob and calls him a mongrel. Why does Meyer keep insisting that we play ‘Which is worse, racism or pedophilia?’.

K: It’s the worst game of all the games, and it ends in the Snark Ladies raiding the booze cupboard.

Mari: That’s the beginning of the end because the real end is either alcohol poisoning or therapy IDK.

Annie: Bella tells Edward that it’s fine. She and Jacob banter some more about how Bella has changed now that she’s a vamp. Jacob thanks Edward, and then they talk about Bella like she isn’t there. Jacob tells Edward that he’s impressed Edward was able to keep the secret from Bella, as she always seems to get what she wants from him. Edward tells Jacob that maybe he was hoping Bella would go nuts and eat Jacob’s face. Bella wants to know what the fuck is going on, but they’re both ‘oh, we’ll explain later.’ (K: GAAAAAAAH.)

Jacob wants to move on and see if Bella will try to eat his face. I don’t know how this is even a relevant test, because the vampires have always gone on about how disgusting the wolves smell, and how unappealing they are, so why would Bella want to eat Jacob, but okay. This is Stephenie’s world, we’re just reading it. (M: Joke’s on us.)

Seth and Leah come out of the forest, because they’re not down with this plan. Jacob tells them to back off, but Bella thinks it’s a good idea, just in case. Bella asks Edward to hold on to her, and she takes a sniff of Jacob.

I can’t believe I just typed those words. This book is stupid forever.

K: YUP.

Mari: Infinity stupid.

Annie: Bella find Jacob smells like an animal, and while she finds the ‘loud, wet’ beating of his heart appealing, his gross stench drowns out the bloodlust.

Catherine: I mean, so it’s not an accurate test then. Because the baby isn’t gonna smell like a werewolf. Hopefully. 

Annie: Bella says that Jacob stinks. Edward and Seth laugh, and so does Emmett who has come out to watch. Jake says Bella smells, too, and lol isn’t this cute.

It isn’t.

Edward squeezes Bella and she’s thrilled that Jacob isn’t being a jealous douche about their PDA. She figures that maybe he’s so physically repulsed by her now, so maybe that was the secret to make him quit chasing her. IF ONLY THAT WERE THE REASON.

Mari: It was never you, Bell-bell, it was your unfertilized egg SURPRISE.

Catherine: But that DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. 

Annie: The first mistake is expecting SMeyer to make sense. 

Bella wants to know what Jacob’s secret is now that she’s proven she’s the best new vampire ever by not eating the disgusting smelling werewolves. Jacob says not yet, and Emmett finds that hilarious. Which is funny, because I find it infuriating.

Bella is about to insist when she’s distracted by the sound of seven people breathing and a fluttering heart beating. She wants to go see her special vampire baby, but is worried she’ll eat it because the baby won’t have werewolf stink. Edward, with the help of Jasper and Emmett promise to help keep her safe. Jacob puts himself between them, because he’s super stressed about letting Bella near his infant future bride. Edward tells him to GTFO, but Jake runs ahead of them.

Jacob continues to be weird, but Bella is focused on seeing Renesmee. Edward takes her hand and they go inside to find the Cullens and Jacob lined up like some weird paranormal defensive line. Rosalie is holding the super vamp baby, who of course looks nothing like a normal 3-day old baby. She’s growing faster than regular, stupid human babies. She has long, curly hair because that’s way more attractive than stupid bald babies. And she’s beautiful and perfect, because she’s got Edward’s features and Bella’s eye and cheek colour. I’ve never heard anyone say ‘Oooh, the baby has your cheek colour!’ before, but okay.

K: All I can think of is that it’s a throwback to how much Human Bella blushed. Although in Renesmee’s case, it’s probably from drinking blood.

Mari: Her CHEEK COLOR. It’s telling that this super best baby of course would have all the best parts of her parents since Meyer is making her the super best. And all she can come with from the mom’s side is eye color and CHEEK COLOR because Bella is a shell of a character.

Catherine: That’s not true, she’s also a complete doorstop. 

Annie: Rosalie tells the baby that Bella ‘is her’, and the kid stares at Bella, then smiles at her. Bella takes a step towards the kid and everyone freaks out. It’s fucking hilarious to picture this scene. All these people in close quarters, grabbing Bella, putting themselves between her and the baby.

Alice is the only chill one and she makes fun of everyone else for being ridiculous.

Bella talks about her daughter’s scent, in case all of this wasn’t gross enough already. Bella swears she’s going to be fine with the kid. Edward agrees, but everyone else is still uncertain.

Because this chapter isn’t long enough as it is, we take a break to rehash how Bella is stronger, better and more perfect than other new vampires, as Edward tells the Cullens the story about how Bella didn’t eat the humans she ran into in the forest when they were hunting.  They finally get back on task and Bella bugs them to let her get closer to the baby. Renesmee is getting frustrated and lets out a cry and all the vampires and Jacob circle around her again to… make her stop, I guess?

Mari: To protect her from crying? To punch crying in the face for her? To bite crying and drain it of blood?

Annie: I repeat: this book is stupid forever.

Jacob seems to be the most concerned about the baby’s cry and Rosalie hands the baby off to him easily. The kid pats Jacob, then reaches for Bella. Rose explains the baby just wants her mother. Jake continues to be grossly possessive of Renesmee. Bella takes the baby into her arms, but Jacob won’t let go of the baby.

Catherine: God I hate reading this. Like I get that they’re trying to be protective of the baby and it’s a weird circumstance but Jacob thinking he knows what’s best for a baby that isn’t even his is a little fucking nauseating. He was already enough of a bitchy control freak before this. 

Annie: Holding the baby for the first time makes it all feel real for Bella. Bella’s arm brushes Jacob because he’s still holding on to the baby, and it feels super hot, not unlike Renesmee’s skin. Renesmee smiles at Bella and touches her face, showing Bella a vision-like perspective of Bella laying all bloodied and gross on a surgery table.

K: “HEY MOM, NICE TO MEET YOU! THIS IS HOW YOU LOOKED WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU. GROSS, HUH?”

Mari: Uh, thanks a lot, kid.

Annie: Bella asks about the vision, and instead of answering her, Rosalie asks Bella to tell her what she saw instead. Apparently these memory vision things are the baby’s super-vampire power, because she’s super special and perfect.

Rose tells Bella the baby was just trying to tell Bella that she remembered her. Bella tells the baby that she remembers her, too. Jacob is getting antsy and wants to put some distance between Bella and the baby. Bella is starting to get really irritated with Jacob and his weirdness about Renesmee. And then Bella puts it all together. Jacob has imprinted on Renesmee. Bella tells Rose to take the baby. Bella shouts at Jacob, calling him a stupid mutt for imprinting on Renesmee who is just a baby. She is mad about his claim on the baby, when the baby belongs to her. Haha, because no one is allowed agency of their own person in this fucking book.

K: *gives SMeyer EXTREME side eye*

Mari: Girls are born to be possessed and right now Bella is angry that Jacob is in love with her BABY but only because that means the baby belongs to Jacob and not 100% to her.

Excuse me while I vomit.

Catherine: I’m just glad someone is having a normal reaction to this baby love thing, tbh. 

Annie: While Bella is shouting, Edward and Carlisle are drooling over how wonderful and amazing she is. Emmett says he wins the bet. It’s a fucking gong show.

Jacob is pleading his case, including pointing out that the imprinting happened even while the baby was in utero. Jacob. Fuck. Gross. Not helping your case, mate.

Catherine: Also, him justifying his pedophilia is just…. we’re supposed to like this character. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO LIKE THIS CHARACTER. 

Annie: Nope forever.

Bella threatens Jacob and he pleads with Bella again, this time, calling the baby ‘Nessie’, because Renesmee is too complicated for his stupid, doglike brain. Bella is super pissed that he’s nicknamed the baby after the Loch Ness monster and lungs at him. Oooh, curb hanger.

And this chapter is over.

K: Praise be to the Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster. That was paaaaaainful.

 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: Fight? in Chapter 23. 

 

Annie (all posts)

I'm a radio broadcast grad, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, and Toronto Raptors fan. Former graveyard-shift radio host and communications manager to the non-profit stars, now a freelance writer and communications advisor. I hate spoilers and weak tea.





Catherine (all posts)

I am a 25 year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





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  • Blinvy .

    This entire thing just makes me sad. What the fuck was she thinking?
    I recall Taylor Lautner was going to be recast for New Moon and he lobbied hard and built up his body to keep the part. I wonder if he regretted all that work the moment he read he’d have to act out a scene where he falls in love with a baby and has to justify this to its parents. For real. How do you even cope with a scene this disgustingly gross?

    • I didn’t know that about Taylor! I wasn’t following the movies or casting news back then, but that’s interesting. I truly hope that everyone involved with these movies regretted it, but I’m a little petty that way.

  • Jamie Miller

    Ah I remember the time when I first read this chapter, and then promptly said, “What the fuck?!” when I put two and two together to realize Jacob had imprinted on Bella’s unfertilized egg. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense apparently, because we’re living SMeyer’s world, where science has nothing to do with anything, except a “plot” point in the first book.

    • Even things that are stuper fantastical and have no basis in science have to have internal logic. Your story has to be faithful to itself and Meye manages to build exactly 0 of that internal logic and fidelity. It’s almost a little impressive how much she manages to completely bypass sence. Almost.

  • Alicia

    Bella’s vampire brain is somehow more roomy than her human brain so now she is able to think about her daughter…? If that is another snub to make vampires again superior to humans, well it failed, because I’m pretty sure after a near-death experience during the birthing of your baby, MOST HUMAN MOMS ARE GOING TO HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT THEIR BABIES. And they don’t need a “bigger brain” to think about this.

    As a religious person, I have to say, I got sick of all these constant religious references. I’m pretty sure Meyer had a bible in her hand while she was writing, so that she could be reminded to add a religious reference wherever possible. What makes it even more strange, is that I’m pretty sure? none of the characters identify as from a specific religion, yet Bella is always thinking as though she is.

    Nothing worse than artificial tension, and Meyer does it constantly. Bella’s confused over Renesmee’s power, and yet while she was human, she accepted Edward’s mind-reading abilities, Alice’s fake visions, and Jasper’s mind control, but now as a vampire with a bigger brain she can’t seem to register that her baby might have something of a power, too. Oh boy, I wonder what it could be. I must know.

    Yeah, the whole thing about Bella needing Jacob while she was human and now she no longer “needs” him because well we all know why, was stupid. I’m sure Jacob was attracted to Bella as a human, and Bella loved having Jacob around when Edward was gone. It is possible to be attracted to someone other than the jerkoff ex who left you, without feeling guilt and shame, but whatever. Humans are stupid for having feelings and stuff. Anyway, it’s funny because in Jacob’s POV in the books, he’s super into Bella the entire time up until he looks Renesmee in the eyes for the first time after her birth, right when he’s about to kill her. But we know now that his feelings for Bella, and her feelings for him while she was human, were only because of Renesmee, who didn’t even exist? My brain hurts.

    Yep, it’s basically what Mari said. At this point I don’t think Meyer was even trying anymore. Not that she really tried with the other books, but this one was a complete and utter trainwreck. She can’t keep characters consistent from one page to the next though consistency wasn’t her strong point.

    Another irritating thing that Meyer likes to do is talk about the main character using two other characters, acting like the main character isn’t there. In this case, Edward and Jacob talking about Bella right in front of her face and then not even bothering to explain the gibberish they just put us through. “We’ll explain later” is a way to make more fake tension.

    “Oh everybody thinks that everyone else stinks like a piece of rotten cheese, but I say that they’re okay, as long as there’s a breeze.” Basically that whole scene summed up for you. You’re welcome.

    I mean I guess I kind of get why Jacob doesn’t want to tell Bella just yet, because she’s a super strong newborn vampire and could probably kick his ass, and she likely wouldn’t be happy about the news. Unhappy super-strong vampire = dead Jacob, and thus leaving Renesmee to wander the earth alone forever, because Jacob was her one true love and she could never find anyone else. Even though she’s a damn baby and doesn’t know what love is.

    Of course, we have to have yet another few pages of how Bella is much more perfect than all other newborn vampires so she’s going to be perfectly okay seeing her vamphuman baby on the same day she’s turned and be able to completely resist the blood. I think it’s the same day, right?

    Yep, Bella’s not actually upset that Jacob is “in love” with her INFANT daughter, she’s upset that because Jacob imprinted on Renesmee right after birth (EW FOREVER), he thinks he has control over Bella’s daughter, and Bella didn’t get to be with her right away while Jacob did. Bella’s priorities, everyone.

    Of course Edward and Charlisle are drooling over how perfect Bella is while she’s screaming at Jacob. Bella’s super hot now and has to have a man drooling over her hotness 24/7. It was bad enough that literally every guy she came in contact with somehow fell in love with her without her even doing anything except being a sack of potatos. Now she’s going to have every guy fall for her even more while she’s a vampire, because of course, she’s perfect and hot.

    • whiteraven13

      Bella’s also more upset about the nickname, too.

      • Alicia

        “You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness monster??” this part in the movie always made me laugh. And then cringe. Mostly because of Bella’s misplaced priorities.

        • Really can’t wait for that part in the live-Tweet!

          • Alicia

            Haha, I made my boyfriend watch it recently mostly to get his comments and he laughed at that line too as well as through most of the movie. He’s a good man. He also laughed at 50 Shades Darker because of how stupid it all was. Even he saw the weirdness without reading the books.

  • Mae

    “He tells her that the baby has a heartbeat, is faster and warmer than a human and she needs to sleep. She has hard vampire skin”
    Well no kidding her heartbeat is faster. She’s an infant. And how the heck could she have hard stone vampire skin but be WARMER? I thought the whole reason why vampires have cold skin is because they’re freakin’ rocks. I think it all boils down to Meyer wanting desperately to correlate
    Renesmee’s physicality and Jacob’s. He runs hotter because werewolf so she does too because Jacob.

    “Why does Meyer keep insisting that we play ‘Which is worse, racism or pedophilia?’.”
    That made me laugh. And then I instantly questioned all of my life choices because I found that funny when it’s just the plain truth.

    I will never understand why Meyer’s brain thought, ‘look, she doesn’t want to eat a stinky werewolf so clearly she won’t want to eat a human baby! That’s logic, bitches!’

    “maybe he’s so physically repulsed by her now, so maybe that was the secret to make him quit chasing her.”
    So, at least she’s honest that he would have had no reason to be attracted to her personality. Just her looks. That’s pretty much all that drew her to Edward, though, so it’s an understandable view from her.

    Baby lets out one cry and 7 people rush to console her? Baby is going to be one spoiled brat. And dear Gods, if the first thing my newborn did was show me a vision of me gutted and bloody, I would freak the fuck out that my kid was a psychopath already.

    • Alicia

      The fact that Nessie has warm but hard skin makes no sense. I mean, she has a heartbeat, and blood, so her skin should be soft. If her skin was hard she would be mostly vampire. I don’t get it, either.

      “Yeah, whew, now that Jacob is physically repulsed by me, he’s completely over me and will stop chasing me.” Great, Bella. More proof that “pretty” wins over “personality” in this book. Does she really think the only bond that her and Jacob ever had as humans was due to her looks?

      I agree, Nessie is going to be a spoiled brat if she has seven or more people fawning over her constantly. Plus she’s growing up rich, she won’t have any sort of money troubles or struggles at all. I would also be very creeped out if my kid showed me what I looked like during childbirth. Aw, I love you too, weirdo kid…. -runs away-.

    • misschanandlerbong

      I thought the same thing about her skin too! Wouldn’t the vampires be cold because they don’t have warm blood pumping through their veins? So yeah, Renesmee should be warm if she has a beating heart but it also stands to reason then that she’d have human skin… But here I am expecting Meyer to have any sort of rhyme or reason in her work. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

    • Stephanie Gertsch

      Is Meyer trying to convey that she’s warmer because she’s alive like the werewolves but still much more durable than a human?

      • Mae

        I think so. But since Meyer doesn’t understand biology, we get warm human blood and plasma that flows through stone skin without managing to add any moisture to it.

        • Stephanie Gertsch

          Or suppleness? Strong always equals hard in her biology somehow.

  • The Bad Slayer

    When I saw the movie I was appalled at the terrible line and line reading. I assumed it was a script line, not a line from an international bestseller. LOL…if only I knew how wrong I was. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/21050eb2643cb8d2037c58cfcb075d6de067927d7d2951f091c9bdacb6c8f4aa.gif https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/07a0803c074c226750ed6481514d7bbf95e5a1a8e45f516cc7aa8fad3935169a.gif

    • Now imagine that reaction overlayed with the line, “YOU ARE TELLING ME YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH MY DAYS OLD DAUGHTER, YOU SICKO.” and it really starts to make more sense.

  • Joy

    “Edward pets her face”

    More proof Smeyer doesn’t actually know how to human. Like, if I try to touch things when I’m running it’s all jerky and awkward. EDWARD JUST SLAPPED BELLA IN THE FACE.

    • I really thought they had stopped to talk and I originally made a comment about how they were so excited to rush over to Nessie but then stopped to have all these chats. I reread to make sure though and imagine my surprise to realize THEY WERE RUNNING THE WHOLE TIME.

  • aqua_13

    Catherine, I hate answering your question about Edward’s jizz but, if his vampire reproductive system is supposed to work the same as a human’s then he’s constantly making sperm while Bella had the egg since she was born (so Jacob may not have needed to be near Edward since his part of Renesme wasn’t around yet). Trust me when I say you don’t want to think about this further or you’ll be going down a nauseating rabbit hole like I just did.

    • Interestingly enough, more recent studies (which obviously Meyer wouldn’t have known about, even if she could use Google) have suggested that women are capable of producing new eggs and the whole “born with every single egg” thing might not be accurate. When you start thinking about the odds of this specific egg even surviving through puberty, though, things get really… spectacular. We’ll go with that word.

      • aqua_13

        That’s actually good news for ol’ timers like me. You just gave me a little hope for the next decade. 🙂

  • Sarah

    Nicknaming the spawn after the Loch Ness Monster is a lot better than what Bella saddled her with.

    Also, freakishly fast-growing baby with TEETH? That plus the birth being a scene straight out of The Anthropophagus Beast makes me call BS on Meyers ‘I don’t watch R-rated movies’ because I’m pretty sure there’s a killer infant/fetus movie out there with just that.

    • Your spawn with all the teeth being called Nessie is oddly fitting, hate to break it to you girl.

      • Sarah

        What it comes down to is, the nickname wasn’t what Bella wanted, and therefore it’s tantrum time.

        Honestly, I can’t think of another reason. Bella incubated the kid, birthed her (for lack of a better word and also I’m about to have breakfast), named her, and then ignores her in favor of banging her husband unless it’s time to pose with her because the plot demands. Nessie gets handed off to babysitters the rest of the time and Bella might as well forget she exists. Neither Bella nor Edward seem to do any PARENTING.

  • Samantha

    “You nicknamed my baby after the Loch Ness Monster?!” is one of those book lines that is seared into my brain because it was the moment of my utter WHAT IS HAPPENING upon first read. Me, 17 and obsessed and obviously also stupid, at 7 am reading that Jacob had imprinted on this baby and also gave her a nickname worse than the actual name. Shock, horror, revulsion, and “wait maybe I need to rethink my life choices”.

  • Christie Greenwood

    A few things:

    a) Why does Re-Name-Me’s power work on Bella? It shouldn’t. All mental powers don’t work on her – at least that was the case before this clusterfuck of a ‘novel’ (something that doesn’t have a plot shouldn’t be called a novel). Jasper’s freakshow power is physical, so that works. The death baby’s shouldn’t. Know why she spat continuity in the face? Because Repulse-Me’s powers are meant to showcase how awesome Bella is. Just look at those visions: all about Bella. In fact, the whole scene is only there so the others can bow to her speshulness.

    b) Why the hell would Re-Name-Me send a new-born vampire visions of a bloody, dying human? Remember, the baby isn’t really a baby: it’s an adult in an infant’s body. That means she knows what effect that’ll have. She does the same thing to Jasper, too – to Jasper, who is a complete psychopath. Let that sink in for a moment.

    c) As Das Mervin has pointed out, Meyer has created the ‘perfect’ child: one that raises herself. Given how she’s mentioned numerous times in interviews how she always wanted a daughter and how much attention her real kids demanded when they were little, this is more than a little uncomfortable.

    d) I want someone to write a spitefic where Jacob feels madly attracted to Edward because he’s imprinted on the latter’s semen.