Previously: Bella hunts and is special.
Annie: We open the chapter with Bella talking about how her new special vampire brain is much bigger than her human brain because now she has room in there for questions about her daughter…
Marines: She literally calls her brain strange, new and “roomy.” ROOMY.
I… I don’t think that’s giving off the vibe you want, airhead.
Annie: Bella asks ‘him’ about Renesmee. I assume the ‘him’ is Edward, because that who she was with at the end of the last chapter. But Meyer doesn’t identify him, even though we’re at the start of a new chapter.
Catherine: It’s okay, Meyer. I like to forget about him, too.
Annie: Bella describes the way Edward talks about their special vampbaby in ‘almost religious devotion‘ and gets jealous because Edward knows the kid and she doesn’t. This description is gonna get really old, really fast.
Mari: Also, Bella shouldn’t be jealous because Edward CHEATED since he’s been Skyping the baby since the womb.
Annie: Edward says the kid is the perfect mix of them; half him, half her. (C: Yes? This is how babies typically work.) He tells her that the baby has a heartbeat, is faster and warmer than a human and she needs to sleep. She has hard vampire skin, prefers blood to baby formula and that she’s super smart, because of course. Edward tells Bella that the baby isn’t talking yet, but she is communicating with them effectively. He’s weird about it, so I’m sure there is more to the story. Bella blinks because she’s surprised to learn babies can communicate. Edward says that Bella will see what he means later because it’s hard to explain.
Kirsti: Except that it’s not hard to explain at all. Like, if Bella can deal with Alice seeing the future and Edward reading people’s thoughts and Jasper being able to control people’s emotions, there’s no reason why she couldn’t handle Renesmee’s stupid power. SMeyer is just doing this to create artificial tension and it’s INFURIATING.
Mari: Unless that baby is playing Pictionary out of the womb, it’s really not that big a deal. Not only because POWERS are a thing in this universe but because this baby was super fast growing and came with a full set of teeth. Nothing else can surprise us, no matter how much SMeyer tries.
Catherine: Please don’t remind me about the teeth.
Annie: Bella asks about Jacob. She wants to know why he’s still there, especially after everything Bella put him through. Edward says Jacob isn’t suffering, but he might change all that. Bella is confused by Eddie’s hostility and argues that Jacob has given up everything to protect them. Bella remembers the feeling of needing to have Jacob nearby, feeling shame and guilt for feeling those feelings. She doesn’t feel that way anymore and attributes them to being a weak, stupid human. Edward again tells Bella that she will see what he means, but that he promised that he’d let Jacob explain it. He tells her that once she knows what’s going on, she’ll probably feel hostile towards him, too. Edward takes time to make a comment about how annoying it is that he can’t read her mind.
K: Again, with the creation of artificial tension. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
Catherine: This is something that has always weirded me out (even more so than EVERYTHING) about this series. Bella had this “need” to have Jacob close when she was human and Jacob felt the same about her, like they were drawn to each other. But then you find out that he actually imprinted on Renesmee and that “need” was actually between them and you have to think…that started before the baby was conceived. They were talking about needing to be close and Bella needing Jacob back in New Moon. So…was he imprinting on her egg? Why didn’t he feel the same way about Edward? Shouldn’t he have had this ‘need’ to be close to Edward’s jizz? That was Renesmee, too after all. It’s a valid question and I would like an answer.
Annie: Oh, jeez. So if that particular egg hadn’t been fertilized, we could’ve skipped all this bullshit? Great. I can’t even let my mind go there. This is so fucked up.
Mari: Also, this entire conversation is happening while they are super fast running back from the edge of Canada, or whatever. In case it wasn’t already awkward enough in your mind.
Annie: I completely forgot about that. I guess vampires don’t get winded running. Because they’re super special and the best forever.
Bella is too focused on Jacob and trying to figure out what his deal is. Apparently her new vampire brain may be roomy, but that doesn’t mean her vamp-transition has made her any smarter. Edward pets her face and tells her that the transition to a vampire is a lot harder than she’s making it look.
Edward tells Bella that they better get her home, but not before he looks her over and decides she is showing too much skin, so he fixes this by making himself more naked. He gives her his shirt to wear.
Bella challenges him to race home. They run off and Bella is lagging behind until she uses her super-vampire strength to jump across the river super fast? IDK, guys.
She lands and is listening for Edward but instead hears a heart beating. Edward appears beside her and holds her by ‘the tops’ of her arms, telling her not to breathe. I think he means smell? Because vamps are dead and don’t breathe, but okay.
Mari: THEY TOO DO BREATHE. They just don’t ~*need*~ to breathe, they only choose to breathe rhythmically and sometimes they like gasp and stuff and la la la magic breathing making this up as I go ha ha ha ha I’m Stephenie Meyer.
Annie: We’ve come to the point in the series where it’s broken our brains and our spirits.
Jacob is standing near the edge of the forest and Bella can hear two more hearts beating, as well as the sound of wolves pacing. Edward tells Jacob this is probably not the best time, but Jacob reasons it would be way better for them to see if Bella tries to eat his face off, because he has his wolf super-healing powers, before exposing her to an infant. Edward agrees to this, but he’s mad about it, and apparently so is Leah who growls from the forest. Furiously.
Mari: FROM THE FOREST. She can’t even be in the scene in wolf form, damn.
Annie: We wouldn’t want the least terrible character in the whole book to get page time, that would be silly.
Bella is wondering why Edward can’t play nice with her BFF. She goes on for half a page about why would he want to protect her, the baby, whether or not they were still friends. Jacob calls her a freak show and Bella is relieved. Edward, not so much. He growls at Jacob and calls him a mongrel. Why does Meyer keep insisting that we play ‘Which is worse, racism or pedophilia?’.
K: It’s the worst game of all the games, and it ends in the Snark Ladies raiding the booze cupboard.
Mari: That’s the beginning of the end because the real end is either alcohol poisoning or therapy IDK.
Annie: Bella tells Edward that it’s fine. She and Jacob banter some more about how Bella has changed now that she’s a vamp. Jacob thanks Edward, and then they talk about Bella like she isn’t there. Jacob tells Edward that he’s impressed Edward was able to keep the secret from Bella, as she always seems to get what she wants from him. Edward tells Jacob that maybe he was hoping Bella would go nuts and eat Jacob’s face. Bella wants to know what the fuck is going on, but they’re both ‘oh, we’ll explain later.’ (K: GAAAAAAAH.)
Jacob wants to move on and see if Bella will try to eat his face. I don’t know how this is even a relevant test, because the vampires have always gone on about how disgusting the wolves smell, and how unappealing they are, so why would Bella want to eat Jacob, but okay. This is Stephenie’s world, we’re just reading it. (M: Joke’s on us.)
Seth and Leah come out of the forest, because they’re not down with this plan. Jacob tells them to back off, but Bella thinks it’s a good idea, just in case. Bella asks Edward to hold on to her, and she takes a sniff of Jacob.
I can’t believe I just typed those words. This book is stupid forever.
Mari: Infinity stupid.
Annie: Bella find Jacob smells like an animal, and while she finds the ‘loud, wet’ beating of his heart appealing, his gross stench drowns out the bloodlust.
Catherine: I mean, so it’s not an accurate test then. Because the baby isn’t gonna smell like a werewolf. Hopefully.
Annie: Bella says that Jacob stinks. Edward and Seth laugh, and so does Emmett who has come out to watch. Jake says Bella smells, too, and lol isn’t this cute.
Edward squeezes Bella and she’s thrilled that Jacob isn’t being a jealous douche about their PDA. She figures that maybe he’s so physically repulsed by her now, so maybe that was the secret to make him quit chasing her. IF ONLY THAT WERE THE REASON.
Mari: It was never you, Bell-bell, it was your unfertilized egg SURPRISE.
Catherine: But that DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.
Annie: The first mistake is expecting SMeyer to make sense.
Bella wants to know what Jacob’s secret is now that she’s proven she’s the best new vampire ever by not eating the disgusting smelling werewolves. Jacob says not yet, and Emmett finds that hilarious. Which is funny, because I find it infuriating.
Bella is about to insist when she’s distracted by the sound of seven people breathing and a fluttering heart beating. She wants to go see her special vampire baby, but is worried she’ll eat it because the baby won’t have werewolf stink. Edward, with the help of Jasper and Emmett promise to help keep her safe. Jacob puts himself between them, because he’s super stressed about letting Bella near his infant future bride. Edward tells him to GTFO, but Jake runs ahead of them.
Jacob continues to be weird, but Bella is focused on seeing Renesmee. Edward takes her hand and they go inside to find the Cullens and Jacob lined up like some weird paranormal defensive line. Rosalie is holding the super vamp baby, who of course looks nothing like a normal 3-day old baby. She’s growing faster than regular, stupid human babies. She has long, curly hair because that’s way more attractive than stupid bald babies. And she’s beautiful and perfect, because she’s got Edward’s features and Bella’s eye and cheek colour. I’ve never heard anyone say ‘Oooh, the baby has your cheek colour!’ before, but okay.
K: All I can think of is that it’s a throwback to how much Human Bella blushed. Although in Renesmee’s case, it’s probably from drinking blood.
Mari: Her CHEEK COLOR. It’s telling that this super best baby of course would have all the best parts of her parents since Meyer is making her the super best. And all she can come with from the mom’s side is eye color and CHEEK COLOR because Bella is a shell of a character.
Catherine: That’s not true, she’s also a complete doorstop.
Annie: Rosalie tells the baby that Bella ‘is her’, and the kid stares at Bella, then smiles at her. Bella takes a step towards the kid and everyone freaks out. It’s fucking hilarious to picture this scene. All these people in close quarters, grabbing Bella, putting themselves between her and the baby.
Alice is the only chill one and she makes fun of everyone else for being ridiculous.
Bella talks about her daughter’s scent, in case all of this wasn’t gross enough already. Bella swears she’s going to be fine with the kid. Edward agrees, but everyone else is still uncertain.
Because this chapter isn’t long enough as it is, we take a break to rehash how Bella is stronger, better and more perfect than other new vampires, as Edward tells the Cullens the story about how Bella didn’t eat the humans she ran into in the forest when they were hunting. They finally get back on task and Bella bugs them to let her get closer to the baby. Renesmee is getting frustrated and lets out a cry and all the vampires and Jacob circle around her again to… make her stop, I guess?
Mari: To protect her from crying? To punch crying in the face for her? To bite crying and drain it of blood?
Annie: I repeat: this book is stupid forever.
Jacob seems to be the most concerned about the baby’s cry and Rosalie hands the baby off to him easily. The kid pats Jacob, then reaches for Bella. Rose explains the baby just wants her mother. Jake continues to be grossly possessive of Renesmee. Bella takes the baby into her arms, but Jacob won’t let go of the baby.
Catherine: God I hate reading this. Like I get that they’re trying to be protective of the baby and it’s a weird circumstance but Jacob thinking he knows what’s best for a baby that isn’t even his is a little fucking nauseating. He was already enough of a bitchy control freak before this.
Annie: Holding the baby for the first time makes it all feel real for Bella. Bella’s arm brushes Jacob because he’s still holding on to the baby, and it feels super hot, not unlike Renesmee’s skin. Renesmee smiles at Bella and touches her face, showing Bella a vision-like perspective of Bella laying all bloodied and gross on a surgery table.
K: “HEY MOM, NICE TO MEET YOU! THIS IS HOW YOU LOOKED WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU. GROSS, HUH?”
Mari: Uh, thanks a lot, kid.
Annie: Bella asks about the vision, and instead of answering her, Rosalie asks Bella to tell her what she saw instead. Apparently these memory vision things are the baby’s super-vampire power, because she’s super special and perfect.
Rose tells Bella the baby was just trying to tell Bella that she remembered her. Bella tells the baby that she remembers her, too. Jacob is getting antsy and wants to put some distance between Bella and the baby. Bella is starting to get really irritated with Jacob and his weirdness about Renesmee. And then Bella puts it all together. Jacob has imprinted on Renesmee. Bella tells Rose to take the baby. Bella shouts at Jacob, calling him a stupid mutt for imprinting on Renesmee who is just a baby. She is mad about his claim on the baby, when the baby belongs to her. Haha, because no one is allowed agency of their own person in this fucking book.
K: *gives SMeyer EXTREME side eye*
Mari: Girls are born to be possessed and right now Bella is angry that Jacob is in love with her BABY but only because that means the baby belongs to Jacob and not 100% to her.
Excuse me while I vomit.
Catherine: I’m just glad someone is having a normal reaction to this baby love thing, tbh.
Annie: While Bella is shouting, Edward and Carlisle are drooling over how wonderful and amazing she is. Emmett says he wins the bet. It’s a fucking gong show.
Jacob is pleading his case, including pointing out that the imprinting happened even while the baby was in utero. Jacob. Fuck. Gross. Not helping your case, mate.
Catherine: Also, him justifying his pedophilia is just…. we’re supposed to like this character. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO LIKE THIS CHARACTER.
Annie: Nope forever.
Bella threatens Jacob and he pleads with Bella again, this time, calling the baby ‘Nessie’, because Renesmee is too complicated for his stupid, doglike brain. Bella is super pissed that he’s nicknamed the baby after the Loch Ness monster and lungs at him. Oooh, curb hanger.
And this chapter is over.
K: Praise be to the Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster. That was paaaaaainful.
Next time on Breaking Dawn: Fight? in Chapter 23.