Game of Thrones S07 E02 – Rain, rain go away.

Previously: Haunted places and homecomings.

Stormborn

Marines: The official previouslies remind us of these things: Ellaria, Olena and Varys teamed up; Samwell went home and his dad was a dick; Sam more recently found proof of dragonglass at Dragonstone; Dany commanded Jorah to find a cure for grayscale; Jorah is at the Citadel; Arya found a boyband in the woods and told them she was going to kill the queen; Euron of Cheap Pacey-ness came to King’s Landing with his fleet and promise of a gift; Dany made it home.

CREDITS and we’re off to King’s Landing, Dragonstone, Pyke, Winterfell NOT ON FIRE BOOYAH, The Wall and Oldtown.

It’s raining a whole lot at Dragonstone. Tyrion says that on a night like this, Dany was born. Varys says he remembers that storm well and how dogs howled through the night. Dany weirdly says that she wishes she could remember her birth (?). She’s probably just moody because she expected more of a homecoming. It’s like 7 seasons later and all she got was this lousy storm. I bet it’s all humid and sticky, too. Tyrion says they won’t stay on Dragonstone for long and that pleases her.

Catherine: We’ll be in an even shittier place before you know it! 

Mari: It’s pretty slim pickings in Westeros.

At the war table, Dany notes that there aren’t that many lions statues. Varys explains that Cersei controls less than half of the Seven Kingdoms and that even before Dany’s arrival, the lords plotted against Cersei. Dany sarcastically asks if they drink secret toasts to her health. It sounds familiar to us because, as Dany says, people used to tell her brother that kind of thing. He was stupid enough to believe them. Dany says that if Viserys had three dragons and an army at his back, he would’ve taken King’s Landing already. Tyrion tells her that conquering would be easy for her, but she isn’t here to be queen of the ashes. She says, “no” in a way that kind of makes it seem like stuck on Dragonstone in this rain, ashes don’t look so bad.

Diva: I hope this goddamn throne makes her happy. Seven years of waiting to get home, she has a triumphant two-minute walk along the beach last episode, and now she’s already bored of the place? Dany may have commitment issues.

Mari: That seems likely.

Tyrion thinks they can take King’s Landing without slaughter. If the great houses support Dany’s claim, the game is won. They already have the Dornish and the Tyrells as allies in the south. Dany turns to Varys and says she never thanked him for that. It’s kind of sarcastic, though, as she next brings up the fact that Varys served her father, then he served Robert, and then he turned against Robert. Calm as ever, Varys says that Robert was an improvement, as there have been few rulers in history as cruel as the Mad King. Robert was neither cruel nor mad; he was simply uninterested in being king. Tyrion tries to jump in, but Dany straight up cuts him off.

She turns back to Varys and tells him that before she came into power, Varys favored her brother. She wonders if all of Varys’s spies were able to tell him that Viserys was cruel, stupid and weak. Would those qualities have made for a good king? Varys says that until Dany’s marriage to Khal Drogo, he knew nothing about her except for the fact that she existed and was said to be beautiful. Dany says they traded her like a prized horse to the Dothraki. Somehow, Varys thinks the best response to this is, “but you made it work!”

Diva: Sorry, Varys, but that response only works if you’re Tim Gunn.

Mari: Dany asks who gave the order to have her killed. Varys says it was King Robert so Dany revises the question: who sent word to Essos? Varys says he did what had to be done to keep himself alive. Tyrion defends Varys as a loyal servant, but Dany thinks he’s proven himself the opposite. If he doesn’t like one king, he conspires to crown the next one. I know this looks bad, Dany, but is it really his fault the kings of his lifetime have sucked?

Varys says more or less that but better: incompetence should not be rewarded with blind loyalty. I feel like I should have that cross-stitched and mailed to Republican Congress members. (D: Preach.) (C: OMG yes!) 

Anyhow, Varys says that he wasn’t born into a great house. He came from nothing. As he says this, we get brief cuts to Grey Worm and Missandei looking damn fierce. Varys continues that he was sold as a slave and cut up. He grew up in gutters, alleys and abandoned houses. If Dany wants to know where his true loyalties lie, it’s with the people– the same people whose hearts Dany aims to win. If Daenerys is demanding blind allegiance, she can kill him. If she lets him live, he will dedicate himself to getting her on the Iron Throne. She is the monarch he chooses because he knows the people have no better chance. Dany asks Varys for an oath: if he ever thinks she is failing the people, he won’t conspire behind her back. He’ll look her in the eyes and tell her how she’s failing them.


Dany swears in return that if Varys ever betrays her, she’ll burn him alive. Varys says that he would expect nothing less from the mother of dragons.

I get where Dany is coming from, questioning Varys’s loyalty and motives, but it seriously comes off as Dany just being pissy because 1- rain, am I right and 2- isn’t… this all stuff… Dany already knew? Like now that she’s Westeros-side and got allies, NOW she wants to call Varys out? I’m just saying, most of my argument points go to Varys for content and style.

Diva: I loved this scene just because I love watching Varys be amazing, but yeah. If this scene was ever going to happen, it should have been when they first met, not weeks/months later just because Dany’s in a mood.

Catherine: For real. I love watching Dany be tough and not just blindly believe everything everyone tells her but it seems like it should have happened last season or something. It was pretty obvious she wasn’t gonna get rid of him since she already trucked him all the way over there. 

Mari: Grey Worm interrupts to inform Dany that a red priestess is here to see her. It’s THE Creepy Red Lady, fresh(ish) from resurrecting Jon Snow. Dany and her entourage go out to meet her. Melisandre greets Dany in Valyrian and immediately jumps into a story about how she was once bought and sold as a slave. That’s two slavery stories told to Dany in the first 10 minutes so I guess people know how to appeal to our girl. Dany welcomes her warmly.

Varys recognizes Melisandre’s name and is quick to point out that she once served another who wanted the Iron Throne. It didn’t end well for Stannis Barratheon. Dany tells Melisandre that she chose an auspicious day to arrive at Dragonstone. She turns to Varys slowly and says that it’s a day for pardoning those who once served the wrong king. Varys gets the message loud and clear.

Dany cuts to the chase pretty quickly and asks what the Lord of Light wants from Dany. Melisandre switches to Valyrian again and tells Dany that the Long Night is coming and the prince who was promised will bring the dawn. (C: BITCH, you say that to EVERYONE! It’s like your email signature.) Dany kind of misinterprets the prophecy and Missandei helps her by pointing out that the noun in high Valyrian has no gender. The translation would more accurately be “the prince or princess.” While it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, as Tyrion points out, Dany likes it better. Dany asks if Melisandre thinks this prophecy refers to her. Having apparently learned a thing or two, Melisandre is non-specific, saying that Dany has a role to play, but so does someone else: the King in the North, Jon Snow.

Diva: Someone just speaking Jon Snow’s name in Dany’s presence is enough to make me squee. TARGARYEN REUNION 2K17?!

Mari: YES.

Tyrion speaks up, having met Jon when they traveled to the Wall together. Varys asks why the Lord of Light singled out Jon Snow, and Melisandre gives the cliff notes version of Jon’s adventures, including allowing the Wildlings south of the Wall and uniting them with the northern houses to face a common enemy. Dany says Jon sounds like quite the man, but I can’t tell if it’s kind of sarcastic. Seven seasons later and I still can’t tell when it’s bad acting, damn you Emilia Clarke.

Melisandre tells Dany to summon Jon Snow and let him tell her the things he has seen with his own eyes.

Diva: YES! I hate agreeing with Melisandre but YES DO THAT THING! 

Mari: Tyrion says that he can’t speak to prophecies, but he likes and trusts Jon Snow. If he does rule the North, he would make a valuable ally, especially since Jon has even more reason to hate Cersei than Dany does, following the murder of his father and brother. Dany thinks about it with her bad acting face and agrees to summon Jon Snow, but adds that she’s inviting him to bend the knee. Gotta stay queening.

Diva: Me when Dany said “bend the knee”

Catherine: Well, he’s not gonna do that! Targaryen’s have too much stubborn pride! They keep it in their luxurious hair. 

Mari: Winterfell. Training is in full force and word from Dragonstone has already arrived because we are on fast forward now and no one has time to travel. Not even ravens. Sansa wonders if the note is truly from Tyrion or if it’s a trap. Jon points out the last line of the note, which is something that Tyrion told Jon the first time they met: all dwarves are bastards in their father’s eyes. Jon says that Sansa knows him better and asks her what she thinks. Sansa thinks Tyrion isn’t like the other Lannisters, but she also thinks it’s too great a risk.

Ser Davos is on hand to point out that fire kills wights and what breathes fire?

Diva: LIKE OMG HOW DID NO ONE THINK OF THIS SOONER. Thank God for Davos, or these kids would be sitting in the north with their thumbs up their butts, throwing rocks at the wights.

Mari: I love Davos.

King’s Landing. Cersei is on the Iron Throne addressing a bunch of lords, including Randyll Tarly. She knows that some of them are bannermen for House Tyrell, but they are in open rebellion against the crown, helping the Mad King’s daughter and the army of savages she’s brought to their shores. Cersei paints a picture of much doom and death at the hands of Daenerys and asks for the lords to stand together with her. 

Diva: I love how Cersei sees House Tyrell rebelling against her as some shocking injustice. Bitch, you blew up half of House Tyrell in a church. What did you THINK was going to happen?

Mari: We all know that all Cersei thinks about is Cersei.

Randyll steps forward and asks what they are going to do about the dragons. Cersei looks to Frankenmaester Qyburn who vagues that they are working on a thing.

After the meeting, Jaime finds Lord Tarly and gets off on a wrong foot by not knowing Tarly the younger’s name. (Dickon.) (Like Rickon but dickier, I guess.) (C: LOL) Jaime thanks Randyll for coming. Randyll says that if his queen summons him, he answers the call, especially because he’s heard what she does to those who defy her. Jaime just looks askance.

We cut to Randyll and Jaime pedeconferencing. Randyll is going back to Horn Hill ASAP because he’s got an amy to mobilize. Jaime asks which side that army will be fighting for. Jaime wants Randyll to be his ranking general and to swear allegiance to Cersei, helping her destroy all her enemies. Randyll tells Jaime that he’s a Tarly and that name means something. They aren’t schemers or oathbreakers. They don’t stab in the back or kill their enemies at weddings. I really like these mentions of the Red Wedding as something that was more widely regarded as awful.

Unfortunately, if there is something Randyll Tarly has more of than honor, it’s probably xenophobia, so he looks pensive when Jaime reminds him of the Dothraki at their shores. He calls on Randyll to make a choice between fighting with the Lannisters or the foreign savages and eunuchs. Jaime cherry-on-tops his speech with an offer to make Randyll Warden of the South after the fighting is done.

Diva: Stick with the xenophobia, Jaime. It’s far more effective and very trendy nowadays.

Mari: From Tarly to Tarly. Archmaester Slughorn and Sam are in Jorah’s room. Archmaester pretty much tells Jorah that he could live more 10-20 years, but he’ll lose his mind in as little as 6 months. Sam mentions that he once met the Princess Shireen and he doesn’t even mention her name and I’m already crying, EXCUSE ME. (C: WE MISS YOU, SHIREEN!)

Let’s try that again: Sam mentions that Shireen’s grayscale was cured and Archmaester snarks, “does this look like a baby to you?” Shireen’s grayscale was discovered immediately. Jorah’s case is advanced and beyond their skills. If he were a commoner, Archmaester would have him shipped to live out his days with the Stone Men. As an anointed knight, Archmaester’s giving Jorah a day and a pointy sword. Archmaester leaves and Sam hangs back to ask if there is anyone they should inform. Sam is in shock when he finds out that Jorah is a Mormont, but he’s soon called away by Slughorn.

Under the Red Keep. Frankenmaester Qyburn takes Cersei on a little tour of all the dragon heads Robert had removed from the throne room but kept as trophies anyway. At the very back of the room is the skull of Balerion the Dread, the dragon who Aegon rode across the Narrow Sea and whose flames forged the Iron Throne. Qyburn calls him powerful, but not invincible. Qyburn knows that one of Dany’s dragon was wounded in the fighting pits of Meereen by a spear. And so, Qyburn has made a thing to fight the dragons: a big ass crossbow. He tells Cersei to pull the lever and it launches a spear straight into the dragon skull.

If this actually kills one of the dragons, I’ll be pissed. I am WAY LESS IMPRESSED with your big ass crossbow than I was with your monster Mountain, Qyburn. That skull is old, dusty, sans skin and NOT FLYING AND BREATHING FIRE. This better not work.

Diva: I will be SO disappointed if this bullshit actually kills a dragon. Like, not because I love the dragons, which I do, but because what is even the point of having dragons in your story if they can be murdered by something as ordinary as a crossbow? Ugh.

Catherine: I hate this Chekov’s-gun-style introduction ’cause you know it’s probably gonna work. And like? It’s a big ass crossbow. It’s gonna take FOREVER to load and position. If this is Qyburn’s second album it’s disappointing. 

Mari: The usually are, Catherine. The usually are.

Dragonstone. Yara tells Dany to take the Iron Throne if she wants it. Tyrion is again in the position to point out that tens of thousands would die in the dragon fire. Ellaria says that’s just war. Tyrion knows how Ellaria wages war, but he says that they don’t poison little girls here. His niece, Myrcella, was innocent. Ellaria says there are no innocent Lannisters, and she’s including Tyrion in that. Her greatest regret is that Oberyn died fighting for Tyrion. Dany calls the standoff off and tells Ellaria that she is to respect Tyrion as Hand of the Queen. Dany repeats Tyrion’s words and says she isn’t here to be queen of the ashes. Olenna says that, while that is nice to hear, she can’t remember a queen better loved than her granddaughter, and she is now ashes. Everyone at this table has lost a lot in this game already. Myrcella, Oberyn, Margaery– a succession of reminders of just a fraction of what has already been lost and the varying responses to that loss. Ellaria is willing to burn it all down, Tyrion is not and perhaps somewhere in the middle is Olenna, as she says that no one will obey Dany unless they fear her.

Dany thanks Olenna for her counsel, but they aren’t going to attack King’s Landing. The plan is to lay siege to the areas surrounding the city, effectively cutting Cersei off from food and supplies. Tyrion steps in to explain that they plan to do this with a Westerosi army as Cersei will be rallying the Lords with threats of foreigners. Using the pieces on the war table, Tyrion illustrates how Lady Greyjoy will escort Ellaria to Sunspear to pick up her army and carry them back to King’s Landing where they will be joined by the Tyrell army. The second part of the plan is to send Gray Worm and the Unsullied to Casterly Rock to unseat the Lannisters. That earns a smile from Ellaria.

Dany asks if she has their support. Yara is in. Dorne is in. Olenna nods. Dany thanks them all, but asks Olenna to hang back for a moment. Alone, Dany says she knows Olenna’s here out of hatred for Cersei. Dany promises to make Cersei pay and bring peace back to Westeros. Olenna smirks and asks if she really thinks they had peace under Dany’s father, or his father, or his. Peace never lasts. And with that, Olenna has some advice for Dany: Tyrion is a clever man. Olenna has known a great deal of clever men, but she’s outlived them all and why? Because she ignored them. “The lords of Westeros are sheep. Are you a sheep? No. You’re a dragon. Be a dragon.” I can’t tell how Dany takes that advice because of bad acting. However, this is why Olenna is now and will always be my Grandma Flowerboss.

Diva: I loved this. Especially contrasting it with Tyrion’s arguments. He has something left to live for, beyond revenge: he wants his birthright back. He wants Casterly Rock. He wants to see Dany on the throne, to help her rule. He’s got shit to live for, which is why he actually values the lives of the innocent people who would die if they attacked Kings Landing with dragons. Olenna has nothing left to live for but revenge. She told us last season, Cersei stole the future from her. Her family is gone and she’s too old to start over. She doesn’t give a shit what stands between her and Cersei, as long as Cersei ends up dead. Makes sense that Tyrion counsels restraint while Olenna counsels fire and blood. 

Catherine: Seconded to everything above. This was a really interesting scene and not just because it was, what like 4 women planning a war? When does that ever happen on TV? 

Mari: I loved seeing them all around that table.

Grey Worm is sharpening his sword when Missandei comes to visit him and say goodbye as he’s leaving the next day for Casterly Rock. Grey Worm admits that it’s hard for him to say goodbye to her because she is his weakness. Missandei doesn’t quite like this, but Grey Worm explains: the Unsullied were trained to either face or succumb to their greatest fears. Grey Worm had no fears. He was never the biggest or strongest, but he was always the bravest until he met Missandei. Now he has fear.

After a moment, Grey Worm almost visibly hypes himself up and plants a kiss on Missandei. Soon, and with the door to his room still hanging wide open, they both undress. Neither of them is wearing underwear, but I’m sure whoever noticed was soon distracted by, you know, naked hot people. Grey Worm is at first reluctant to take off his pants, but Missandei insists. Grey Worm and Missandei move this party to the bed and we watch as he goes down on her. It’s probably a Jon Snow miracle where he was awesome at oral sex with little to no practice. For Missandei’s sake, let’s go with that.

Diva: Westeros, where every male virgin is incredible at cunnilingus! I think the dragons might be less of a fantasy.

Catherine: I can’t hear you over the fact that we got to see Grey Worm’s nice butt. 

Mari: It was a nice butt.

Citadel. There are chains in front of all the shelves and I don’t understand why. Protection? Read a book, earn a chain? Decoration? Anti-theft mechanism? Aesthetic? (C: Yes.)

Sam is following Archmaester around and after a bit of babbling, Sam has the chance to ask him about the methods of Archmaester Pylos for curing advance stage grayscale. Archmaester Slughorn is like, “yeah, Pylos died of grayscale.” Furthermore, his method is banned as it is far too dangerous.

Sam:

As Jorah writes a goodbye letter to Khalessi, Sam rolls a cart into the room, ready to do banned things. He explains to Jorah that he’s a sworn brother of the Night’s Watch and he was there when Lord Commander Mormont died.

First up, Sam gives Jorah rum for the pain. He takes a swig himself first. Next up, he pulls out the Banned Things book. Then, he gives Jorah a piece of leather to bite down on so that he won’t scream and get them caught. Finally, he starts peeling off the grayscale to apply the medicine. IT’S SO GROSS AND SURELY THERE IS SOME KIND OF TOPICAL NUMBING AGENT AT THE CITADEL DEAR GOD.

Catherine: Full disclosure, I did not look at this screen for this entire part and it went on CRAZY long. But the sounds that I heard were enough to make me feel that I made the right decision. 

Mari: In a disgusting yet artsy transition, we are taken from Jorah’s gray, pus-covered skin to someone digging into a crusty pie. Thanks, Game of Thrones. The men eating the pie are talking dragons and Cersei. Arya is sitting in front of them. She looks zoned out and is snapped out of it by Hot Pie! (D: !!! It’s not Gendry, but I’ll take it!) (C: I won’t WHERE’S GENDRY?!?!) He’s got a tray of food, which Arya immediately starts digging into and complimenting. Hot Pie can’t believe Arya is here and not heading north to Winterfell, since the Boltons are dead and Jon won the Battle of the Bastards. This is the first Arya hears of any of this and the look on her face. My heart is in a thousand pieces as she registers that her brother is a Winterfell and he’s King in the North. Arya hurriedly tries to pay, but Hot Pie tells her friends don’t pay. Plus, he calls her pretty.

Diva: Arya is almost terrifyingly unemotional during the beginning of this scene, and the way you see her face change when Hot Pie tries to actually connect with her and when she hears about her brother DESTROY ME. Maisie Williams can deliver so much emotion and history with her eyes, it’s fucking magnificent.

Catherine: I love her so much. Also, it didn’t occur to me until they were talking about making pies in this scene that Arya had to like….make the pies that she put the Frey’s into? She had to mix up a pie crust and sit there and wait for it to brown and everything. That’s dedication to being extra. 

Mari: I totally forgot about Frey Pies and my brain skipped over that part in this scene.

Outside the Inn, Arya mounts her horse and looks in the direction of King’s Landing. She turns around and heads North.


Winterfell. Jon gets Sam’s note from the Citadel. We cut to one of his town hall meetings. Jon explains the situation: Sam has discovered proof of dragonglass at Dragonstone. Tyrion has invited him to meet Dany at Dragonstone, where she has an army and dragons. Jon has decided to go. Everyone gets very yelly about Jon leaving, including Sansa who can’t forget what happened to their grandfather at the hand of the Mad King. Bearboss Mormont agrees and adds that winter is here and they need Jon in the North. I mostly mention that because she’s the best.

Diva: I love that no matter what Bearboss says, you hear at least a few dozen big northern dudes in the room muttering their agreement. I love how much they respect her. She is my whole world.

Mari: Jon says that they all appointed him their king, but he didn’t want it. He accepted it because the North is his home and he’ll do all he can to protect it, no matter the odds. But the odds are against them. No one in this room has seen the Army of the Dead and that’s a great reminder. They are all still viewing Cersei and the game of thrones as their main threat. Jon alone knows what is coming for them in concrete terms. It’s a risk, but he has to take it. Sansa stands to her feet and tells him that he’s abandoning his home and his people. I can only imagine that in addition to all she feels should be done in this situation, it also cannot be easy for her to think that she’s going to see him ride away from her when they finally just got back together. Jon says that he’s leaving both his home and his people in good hands: Sansa’s. She’s the only Stark left in Winterfell and she’s his sister. We cut to Littlefinger who is smirking. We cut to Brienne who looks so proud, she has to put her head down and smile. Jon nods at Sansa and she nods back.

Crypt. Jon stands in front of Ned’s grave. Littlerfinger just done invited himself into this sacred crypt to interrupt Jon’s time in front of his father’s grave like who the fuck. Littlefinger starts poking at every damn possible wound by mentioning 1- Jon’s differences with Ned 2- how much Cat didn’t like him 3- the fact that his brothers and father are all dead leaving him 4- how Jon is everyone’s last hope.

Like, is he trying to get murdered?

Jon tells Littlefinger that he doesn’t belong down here. He apologizes, but he wanted to talk to Jon properly before he left. Jon has nothing to say, but Littlefinger suggests “thank you,” as Jon would’ve been slaughtered on the battle field without him (5). Littlefinger says he’s not one of Jon’s many enemies (6) because he loves Sansa as he loved her mother. And that’s 7. Seven awful things you can say to Jon Snow before he snaps.

Jon pushes Littlefinger up against a wall and starts choking him. He promises to kill Littlefinger himself if he touches Sansa. I know most of us were wishing Jon might do a little more than a momentary choke and threat, but alas.

Diva: Littlefinger, STOP ANNOUNCING YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH SANSA WHEN IT SERVES YOUR CHARACTER NO PURPOSE TO DO SO. I don’t understand why this is a thing.

Catherine: It sort of felt like he was trying to get Jon to attack him? Unless he was leading up to asking for Sansa’s hand in marriage or something. Which LOL. NAH, BITCH. NAH. 

Mari: Whatever Littlefinger’s motivation, like adoptive father, like son:


Ned’s Statue is definitely proud.

Outside, Jon mounts his horse and waves goodbye to Sansa. He rides off with Ser Davos and a few other men. And in the background, Littlefinger stares at Sansa.

Woods. Arya is huddled around a fire. Her horse starts freaking out and we soon see why: a wolf pack. Arya is quickly surrounded and things are looking bad when suddenly, a direwolf appears right behind her. Arya recognizes her as Nymeria and who is already crying? ME.

Arya puts her sword down and approaches Nymeria cautiously. She tells her wolf that she’s heading north and finally going home. She wants Nymeria to come with her. The wolf looks at her, bows her head a little, but in the end turns around and leaves. Arya is crushed and as she stares at the spot where Nymeria just stood, she whispers “that’s not you.” For a moment, I thought this meant the wolf wasn’t Nymeria, but the after show extras confirm that it was and the line was a callback to season 1 and a conversation between Ned and Arya. Ned tells his girl that she can be the lady of a castle and breed little knights and she tells him that isn’t her.

Can we just recap for a second?

Robb’s Grey Wind died when he did. Jon’s Ghost is still alive and dam if Jon isn’t kind of a ghost himself. Sansa’s Lady was killed, and though she is still alive, the lady Sansa we met is so very far removed from the Sansa just left to rule in the North. Arya’s Nymeria is alive but wild. She’s undomesticated and leading her own wolf pack. It’s so Arya it hurts. Bran’s Summer is dead, though he lives, but winter is here and summer is dead.Rickon’s Shaggydog was killed just before he was.

If there isn’t at least one direwolf alive in the end, that will 100% get the most tears out of me.

I wonder if this means Arya will continue on her journey home. I hope that she will, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this encounter reminds her that she’s got other things to do.

Diva: I sobbed my fucking face off at this scene. Arya called Nymeria “girl” and I was WRECKED. I hope this scene didn’t mean that Arya, like her wolf, is too wild to go home again. But whatever purpose it served – to show the different paths they’re on, to show that you need a pack to survive, to tie their paths together – it destroyed me and I loved it.

Catherine: Also:  

  

Mari: Take it from the boobie budget, Nymeria.

Okay, last scene of the episode, and it’s a doozy.

We join Yara’s iron fleet. Below deck, the Sand Snakes are bickering about who will get to kill Cersei. The two older make fun of the younger for constantly mentioning their mama.

Elsewhere, Yara is drinking with Theon and Ellaria. When Yara mentions having a “boy or girl” in every port, things get flirty quickly, to the point where Ellaria climbs in Yara’s lap and spreads her legs. Just as they start to kiss, their ship comes under fire. Yara tells Ellaria to stay below deck and runs up. She’s as shocked as I was to see that they are being attacked by Euron’s fleet.

What follows is a full on battle scene melee, which starts with Euron riding a corvus or a boarding plan down onto Yara’s ship. Also, I had to do a lot of boat things Google searching to come up with those terms, and I’m not sure either is right, but it’s better than “dangerous boat arm.”

Diva: I learned so many boat words from my husband this week, mostly via gchatting “wasn’t it ridiculous when he rode down on the… uh… boat… nose?” to him.

Catherine: I can’t overstate how funny it was, though. I mean, he was being dramatic as fuck about it. That was some ‘Phantom of the Opera’ shit. 

Mari: Euron starts chopping at people with his axe right away. There is a lot of blood and slicing and death. I’m really surprised to see Theon jump right into the fray. Also, the Iron Born have some awful weapons. (C: I’m not surprised, you know they stole them from The Little Mermaid’s hoarder cave.) The younger of the Sand Snakes, Tyene, comes above deck and Yara directs her to her mother. Tyene finds her mother and they are immediately attacked.

Yara looks out to the carnage. She’s in absolute disbelief as she watches her men die and Euron’s men keep attacking. The two remaining Sand Snakes attack Euron, but he kills Obara on her own spear and he kills Nym with her own whip. It seems that both girl got some stabs in and one can only hope that the Snake in their name means Euron will pay later. What I’m saying is poison! Poison! Poison!

Diva: If the Sand Sankes DIDN’T poison their weapons, I will be pissed. Oberyn would be so disappointed in you, girls.

Mari: Don’t let Oberyn down.

Tyene is finally overpowered, but she and Ellaria are taken alive.

Yara finds her uncle and they fight. We cut briefly away from them to join Theon, but then we hear Euron call out to Theon. When he turns, he sees Euron has his sister by the neck. Theon starts towards them, but something snaps. Theon starts to shake as he looks at Euron’s bloody face and as he hears the screams of the men being mutilated by their kin. Theon can’t. He drops his weapon and jumps ship. Euron laughs gleefully.

We pull out in a bit of wider shot and see Nym hanging from the bow of the ship and Obara speared to the same. Everything is on fire. Theon is left alone in the water, whimpering.

Well. Know anyone with a boat?

Diva: YAAAAS.

Catherine: COME BACK TO ME, ABS AND BICEPS! 

Mari: I know I already had a lot of feelings in the post, but uh, here’s a few more:

– I cannot believe the speed with which things feel like they are moving. It’s not only the travel stuff, but holy cow we got a episode 9 battle scene IN EPISODE 2. Plus, at this point, though we aren’t new to death around here, each death seems to weigh that much more this close to the end. I wasn’t ever a fan of the Sand Snakes, but little by little we’re chipping away at the entire royal family of Dorne. Damn.

Diva: I, on the other hand, gave no fucks about the Sand Snakes’ deaths. Good riddance, Spear and Whip!

Catherine: Yeah, I feel bad but I really kinda shrugged when they died. They were never written very well and I just never cared about them enough to care when they died. 

Mari: 

– Kind of related to the first point, but it’s wild that Dany spent so much time looking for ships to bring her across the narrow sea and one episode after she gets here, those very same ships are destroyed. It’s a blow to her overall strategy for sure, but it’s also kind of a symbolic blow? The problems of the first 6 seasons are no longer the same now that all of our major players are in the same general location.

– I’m not a fan of 99% Off Pacey. Not in a “what a bad villain!” way, but in the “is it supposed to be this cartoonish?” way. I think the reason why villains like Cersei and Littlefinger work well is because they are so layered in their awfulness. Euron has been incredibly one note and delivered in such a intense way that seriously, I’m holding out for poison. Any other method of getting him off my TV ASAP is fine, though.

Diva: I also have approx. 50 tactical complaints about that final scene. How did Pacey know their exact location and which boat would have the most important people on it? How did a seasoned sea warrior like Yara not have scouts or somebody to alert her to an incoming invasion? Why would they put all the most important people on the same boat? Why did all the important people from two different houses in Dany’s alliance have to go to Dorne to pick up the troops in the first place? This battle was cool as hell to watch, but Yara didn’t even know about the attack until it was already happening, and I refuse to believe that’s how this iron maiden operates. But also everything was epic and I had Arya feels and Theon feels and god I can’t wait for Jon and Dany to meet.

Catherine: Listen, I know you guys are probably right but if Arya turns around in the next episode and doesn’t go home I’m gonna be LIVID. I’ll get over it but for about 2 minutes I will be INCONSOLABLE. 

Mari: And on that note, #gameofsnark Tweets!

Join us every week for #GameofSnark! A group of us usually live-Tweet, but just Tweet along whenever you watch and we’ll pick our favorites before the post goes up.

See you next week!

 

Next time on Game of Thrones: Jon arrives in Dragonstone in S07 E03 – The Queen’s Justice.

 

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





DemocracyDiva (all posts)

I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.





Catherine (all posts)

I am a 25 year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





 

Did you like this? Share it:

  • David Sagneri

    – Realizing that murder-Pacey is kinda one note he’s at least kinda fun one note; it helps if every time he’s having fun being evil you imagine crying Dawson in the background as cartoonishly awful things happen to him.
    -The wait wut of the battle scene is a disservice to Yara but eliminating the annoying Sand Snakes helps; Theon actually made the right choice he would have died to no purpose otherwise
    -Arya is the best I would add more but really I hope she at least gets to hug Jon Snow before the end of the season
    -Tyrion is also the best, appreciate that he is not a fan of Ellaria since she murdered his niece, as is Varrys the problem with them is that they outshine Emilia Clarke whenever they are in a scene together as does Flower Boss
    -Bearboss is the best if they kill her she better become a White Walker and be the best White Walker because Bearboss is the best
    -Grey Worm isn’t a quitter and is probably good at taking direction so it could be worse just saying
    -After this show is over I want a heartwarming version where Arya, The Hound, Hot Pie, and Gendry travel a fluffy version of Westeros having keen adventures with regular Stark and adoptive Stark reunions plus Dire Wolves.
    -Not sure bookending Sam scenes with disgusting transitions is helping my already tepid Sam scene enthusiasm
    -I felt like bullet pointing
    -This contained an awful lot of bests whoops

    • Democracy Diva

      BEARBOSS WOULD BE THE BEST WHITE WALKER EVER

      • The human race is 100% doomed if Bearboss turns.

      • David Sagneri

        Of course she would; she should just ride on down to Kings Landing every one can compare her to Khaleesi and Cersei and just immediately give her the throne. Jon would be cool he’s not threatened by Bearbosses if they aren’t actively threatening him but because it’s this damned show and people love her I’m deeply concerned they are going to break my suspension of disbelieve and pretend White Walkers or Little Fingers or some other bullshit could actually kill her.

  • Karen

    All of my feels belong to the Starks. The Nymeria scene is heartbreaking, but mostly I’m psyched that ARYA IS GOING HOME. If we don’t get another Stark reunion next episode I will be VERY CROSS.

    • But like a cross-stitch campaign with that quote guys. Think about it.

      I haven’t watched episode 3 yet so I can still say: I WILL ALSO BE VERY CROSS.

  • Joy

    I’m really digging the whole Mormont house right now. I mean, what’s left. Tiny Mormont gives me life, and Ser Jorah makes me feel other things.

    • They definitely are a come from behind house. I wouldn’t have guessed they’d be some of my faves way back in season 1, you know?

  • Mae

    “Thank God for Davos”
    I pretty much say that every time he shows up. On the one hand, I like that one of the smartest characters is a commoner who’s barely literate versus all the high lords and queens. On the other hand, some of these folk need to get a damned clue once in a while when he’s not around.

    That crossbow made me giggle. The harpoon in it might pierce dragon skulls but like you said, the mechanism is big, bulky, hard to position and move, time consuming to reload, etc. It’s also made of wood. Brilliant idea to fight fire-breathing dragons with something flammable. Also, pretty sure the dragons know how to zig-zag.

    “SURELY THERE IS SOME KIND OF TOPICAL NUMBING AGENT AT THE CITADEL DEAR GOD.”
    I was literally yelling this at the TV. If Sam had a salve to heal the underlying tissue, surely he should have had the Westerosi version of novacaine or lidocaine or some such. Then I was cringing, thinking, ‘okay, I don’t need a close up, I don’t need a…oh, come on!’

    “I love that no matter what Bearboss says, you hear at least a few dozen big northern dudes in the room muttering their agreement.”
    And everyone hushes up when she speaks. They’ll talk over Jon but not Lyana. Because she’s the best.

    I didn’t give a damn when the Sand Snakes died. They never lived up to their potential and the sisterly bickering between them felt so cheap. Like Arya and Sansa stopped their sisterly bickering when shit got real because none of those petty differences mattered anymore. But they apparently did to these supposedly bad-ass warrior women?

    • If we don’t see a dragon just send one of those wooden crossbow into flames, I will be VERY DISAPPOINTED.

      I’m getting to the point that I just cringe as soon as we get to the Citadel now.

      I also don’t care about the Sand Snakes as characters at all, but I still have feels about how like giant sections of story are disappearing as we parse down toward the end. And left over Oberyn feels make me slightly feelsy for the threat of the elimination of that royal line. That’s why I kind of hated the Sand Snakes all the more– they had potential and come from awesome stock.

  • Regina

    I can’t see Littlefinger lasting much longer, he serves no purpose now beyond lurking in corners and smirking.

    • You would think that would signal the end for him, but I don’t have so much faith that he’ll soon be gone.

  • TayciBear

    The thing is, the Iron Born are the worst. They aren’t good at fighting or rebelling or even sailing. Euron is the best captain of the seven seas.

    • David Sagneri

      Iron Born are useful as Cannon Fodder full stop. They do become significantly more tolerable if you imagine crying Dawson in the background of every scene involving Murder Pacey or even the Iron Born in general.

      • Beautiful. This is like poetry.

  • Samantha

    I’m reaaallllly gonna miss/am missing since its the future the Sansa/Jon scenes. I never expected those two to have such a magnificent relationship since they didn’t have any kind of one before but it’s been wondrous to watch blossom. Conflict included because so far they’ve been very communicative about their conflict.