Breaking Dawn Chapter 25 – Denim sniffer.

Previously: Weird sex cult cabin in the woods.

Marines: Bella says that it only takes one word to remind her of her priorities: Renesmee.

Congratulations. You only need to be reminded of the existence of your newborn in order to remember that maybe all night fucking in the woods is weird when you have a two-day old baby.

Kirsti: Parent of the year right there.

Annie: She’s perfect and the greatest and the best. Just not at being a parent.

Mari: Bella sighs because Renesmee should be awake soon but then she starts freaking out about what her “baby” will look like today. Edward tries to calm her by telling her that they will be home in two seconds. The next part has to be shared in full:

I probably looked like a cartoon character, the way I sprung up, then looked back at him– his diamond body faintly glinting in the diffuse light– then away to the west, where Renesmee waited, then back at him again, then back toward her, my head whipping from side to side a half dozen times in a second. Edward smiled, but he didn’t laugh; he was a strong man.”  

What the shit?

1- Telling us that this is cartoonish doesn’t actually excuse the fact that you still thought this was a good thing to write, Stephenie. It’s awful.

2- Perfect mom Bella can’t even decide if she wants to see her newborn baby or fuck Edward for the 87th time. Wow.

3- WHIPPING FROM SIDE TO SIZE HALF A DOZEN TIMES IN A SECOND.

4- “He was a strong man.” You guys, what? He’s strong for resisting the urge to laugh? I mean, I guess, but why suddenly switch to the past tense and make this more awkward?

Catherine: There’s so much to question here. Like why “diamond body” seemed like a sexy descriptor to Meyer. I don’t picture sexy when she says that. I picture fucking an ice sculpture. 

Annie: Yep. This was stupid and more proof that Meyer was paid by the word.

Mari: Anyway, Eddie tells Bell-bell that her new vamp life is all about balance. I mean, sure, she’s already the best baby vamp that ever lived, and is super good at not killing people and being strong and fast, but she is struggling to not have sex all day so wow plot and tension.

In the end, Bella just reminds herself that thanks to plot contrivance, Renesmee sleeps so they can have sex all night every night, hopefully only in the mind of Stephenie and the troubled souls who find that appealing. Hopefully we never have to hear about it again. Don’t say anything, please, and let me keep my hope alive.

K: FINGERS CROSSED.

Mari: Bella holds onto the hope of all-night-long so that she can be a good mother, except she struggles to think of herself as a mother, especially because her baby got here super fast. Bella is stressed out again thinking about how fast Renesmee is growing. She wants to hurry up and get ready, but apparently, Alice’s gift to her is a closet actually bigger than the rest of the sex cabin. And all the clothes are in white garment bags so she can’t see what’s hers or what anything is. That’s got to be the most illogical way to set up a closet, but okay, thanks Alice. Bella is so shocked that all these clothes are hers. She says that Edward says Alice’s name like an explanation and she says it like an expletive. I mean, it is a stupid closet, but really these are the very least of your worries, Bell-bell.

Bella unzips the first bag and it’s a pink dress. Edward offers to help and actually SNIFFS OUT A PAIR OF JEANS AND A T-SHIRT. He follows his nose to an outfit. And Bella mesmerizes all the scents of the fabric so she can avoid silk and satin. WE ARE 60% THROUGH THE FINAL BOOK OF A 4-PART SERIES AND WE ARE SNIFFING CLOTHES.

Catherine: But WHY can they not just use their EYES??!! If they took everything out of those stupid garment bags, they could just look at the clothes like we disgusting humans do and their lives would instantly be 30% easier. 

K: Seriously. The clothes sniffing thing is so fucking weird. SO WEIRD. I also love that stretch cotton apparently has a different scent to regular cotton which has a different scent to denim???

Annie: I love that these are all SUPER IMPORTANT details that we need to know. You’re not helping yourself here, Meyer. I am convinced you’re paid by the word.

Mari: Edward gets dressed too and we pause to admire how omg perfect he looks in his khakis. I mean, Bella keeps saying she’s freaking out about super-fast growing Renesmee but here she is. Admiring khakis. (C: She wants that khaki skirt back so bad. I hope Alice burned it.) (K: Why the fuck does Edward always wear beige or white clothing?? Is this a Mormon thing?!?!)

Finally, they run back to the main house. Renesmee is awake and mangling forks and spoons as a hobby now, I guess, while the rest of the family watches her. When R (sorry, typing Renesmee every few seconds HURTS) spots Bella, she throws a spoon, denting the floor (A: The fuck?), and points to her mother. Everyone laughs like this is amazing.

Bella picks R up and finds that while she’s a little taller and her hair is a little longer, the changes are less intense than they were yesterday. Wow, it seems like she might just be hurtling toward marrying age, IDK. That would be my guess.

R is hungry again, which Bella can tell after her mutant pats her cheek. Edward takes off to get her food while Bella asks how long R has been awake. Rose explains that it’s only been a few minutes and they would’ve called the parents soon because the little mutant has been demanding her mother. Esmee gave up her “second best silver service” in order to entertain her. I mean… they also could’ve just gotten Bella, but okay. I guess no one wanted to disturb the sexcapades.

K: Okay but WHY DO THEY HAVE SECOND BEST SILVER WHEN NO ONE EATS?????

Mari: I don’t know, Kirsti. Why do they breathe when they don’t have to breathe?

Everyone is kind of sniggering about because Edward and Bella had sex. They are all like senior citizens, but okay. Sex, lol. Bella tries to keep her chin high and tells R that they’ll set up her room in the sex cabin ASAP. Emmett jokes about being shocked it’s still standing. He asks if they were discussing the national debt last night and howls with laughter. 60% in. We don’t get a plot. We get bro-jokes about s-e-x.

K: At least ten million trees died so that each copy of this book could exist.

Annie: Man, that’s a depressing thought.

Mari: Bella tries to control her temper so she won’t lash out like she did with Seth. Thinking about Seth reminds her that wolves are a thing and she asks where they are this morning. Rosalie says that Jacob took off in the morning pretty early and Seth followed. Having heard more in her head, Edward asks what Jacob was upset about as he brings Renesmee’s blood. Bella has to hand the baby off to Rose for feeding. Rose explains more fully that Jacob was watching “Nessie” sleep with “his mouth hanging open like the moron he is.

Uh, if this is true and not just a slightly racist insult thing, no one thinks it’s weird that the guy in love with a baby is watching her sleep with his mouth hanging open? No one? Not one senior citizen in this damn house?

Catherine: Seriously, is HE gonna be the one to eat her? I’m really confused. I feel like the baby is getting cold and no one’s eating it. 

Annie: Watching someone while they’re sleeping is romantic, guys. Remember? How romantic it was that Edward used to climb into her bedroom window, without her knowledge or consent, and watch her sleep? It’s not Jacob’s fault that Reneesme is a little baby and can’t give consent. Romance.

Mari: The point is that Jacob just took off without a reason and Rose doesn’t care because ew wolves. Talk turns to where they’ll be moving next. Emmett is for going straight to New Hampshire since Bella is enrolled at Dartmouth. He doesn’t think it’ll be long before she can handle going to school and he “jokes” that she’ll have nothing better to do with her nights than study. Bella has to calm herself again. I feel you, girl. Every “joke” is a reminder that we still don’t know what the plot of this book is. Bella keeps her cool, but Edward growls.

Before there is any actual tension, Alice jumps up because she’s having a contrivance vision. She starts asking out loud what the heck the dog is doing that has erased her schedule for the entire day. She can’t see anything anymore. Alice shoots Bella a tortured glance and then says, “look at you. You need me to teach you how to use your closet.

We had to interrupt 0.5 seconds of maybe a thing happening to talk about Bella’s closet again? Wow.

Edward keeps up the stupidest way of ramping up whatever plot hiccup this is by, I don’t know, hearing stuff. Turns out that Jacob went to talk to Charlie. Jacob is almost back and he thinks Charlie is following him. Bella thinks about how awful! awful! this is because of stuff and reasons and vague danger, or whatever.

Catherine: But we already know she can control herself and not kill Charlie. This isn’t tension! This is just stupid! 

K: WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.

Mari: Jacob arrives, wet from the rain, mostly so that Meyer can call him a dog again. He’s all chipper and happy. Seth and Leah are with him. Bella asks for her daughter and decides to hold her until she’s sure she won’t murder Jacob. IDK. I guess that’s one way to use a baby.

Jacob says that Charlie is on his way. He decided to go talk to him after Emmett and Rose were talking about moving cross-country. He figured the only reason that was happening was because of Charlie, so why not let Charlie in on the truth? Bella goes off about the danger! THE DANGER! Jacob pffts. The only danger is Bella and she’s got some kind of supernatural self-control, or whatever. Edward says that’s just a theory and calls him a mongrel. A MONGREL. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is always a point in my recapping that I have to stop and flip forward to see how much I have left to read. This was that point. And the answer is so much left, I need to take a break.

Catherine: Please self care. We have so much book left. 

K: Like, an entire book worth of book.

Annie: So fucking depressing. I made the mistake of counting how many chapters are left. DON’T DO THIS.

Mari: I literally went to go set up my new hammock and lie there for a while. It’s okay. I’m better now. I’m back.

Edward yells at Jacob about all the emotional and physical pain he’s putting Bella through. Renesmee makes it known that she doesn’t like it when her boyfriend and her dad fight by using her creepy ass power. Edward does get through to Jacob, though, because he didn’t know Bella would be in physical pain around Charlie. Edward says that’s why he should’ve asked first. Jacob didn’t ask because he didn’t want to be stopped.

Catherine: Sort of like that time he sexually assaulted his baby girlfriend’s mother!

Mari: Yeah… sort of… *weeps*

Bella jumps in to say that this isn’t about her pain. It’s about the fact that it’s vampire life or death for Charlie now. I don’t know what that means. Now that Charlie knows he has to be turned? Or die? No one buys this. The Volturi are not a present enough danger to really sell the idea of Charlie being unable to know.

Anyway, this is all dragged out for a while, but Bella gets very angry and threatens Jacob a lot so he outs with it: Jacob phased in front of Charlie, who handled the wolf thing well. Jacob told Charlie in vague terms about how Bella had changed after her sickness and about how she knew what she was getting into when she married Edward. That part annoys him some, but otherwise, he just wants to see Bella and to be told as little as possible about the specifics.

Bella is almost thankful, but then she remembers Renesmee, which she seems to forget quite often, even when she’s holding her. Jacob told Charlie that Bella and Edward adopted her and she was a super special little girl. Jacob talks about her lovingly, and I’m skipping it so you won’t throw up the food you most recently ate. The gist is that Charlie smiled at the idea of being a grandfather and he knows that if he can deal with all the strangeness, everyone will stick around. If not, everyone will leave. Charlie says he can deal as long as they don’t tell him too much information.

Catherine: What kind of bullshit motivation is this for a POLICE DETECTIVE? “Just don’t tell me too much?” This writing is BAD. 

K: And yet somehow, Charlie is still the most sensible character in this trainwreck…

Mari: Yeah, sorry, not blaming Charlie.

Jacob apologizes for causing Bella pain, but he says that things are different now. He loves her and she’ll always be her best friend, but things are more balanced now because they both have people they can’t live without. In case you missed it, Jacob means the baby Bella is holding. Jacob asks if he can hold R, and Bella says no because she’s holding her to keep from murdering him.

Annie: We also would’ve accepted ‘No, because you’re a predator and will have no access to my baby daughter, because there is no fucking way you’re in love with an infant. That’s disgusting.’

Mari: Alas.

Alice comes back and starts giving orders. She needs the wolves to get further away from her so she can see. Leah says she’s out of here instead. Alice tells Bella to hand R off after all and Jacob grins “triumphantly.” Perv. (K: GROSS.)

Edward tries to calm Bella down, telling her she can totally handle this and will be so much happier with Charlie in her life. Alice hands her contact lenses she bought just in case and they are so annoying to wear because of her perfect vampire vision. Next, they all start giving her tips on how to seem human: don’t sit too still or move too fast; let your eyes wander every 30 seconds; cross your legs for about five minutes and then cross your ankles for five minutes; blink at least three times a minute; move your hair around or pretend to scratch something.

It’s a wonder all these guys passed as human in high school. Also, why don’t vampires fix their hair or cross their legs?

K: ……………surely Bella – having literally just been a human – should know how to look human?! 

Mari: Jasper says that Bella will be holding her breath “as much as possible” (which should be forever but lol breathing) but she needs to move her shoulders because apparently moving your shoulders is how you pretend to breathe. Alice leads Bella to the sofa so she can already be sitting down when Charlie gets here. Bella wants to hold Renesmee again because it keeps her calm. Edward joins them on the sofa and then explains to Renesmee that someone special is coming to see them, but he’s not like them or Jacob and he cannot be bitten because he won’t heal. R understands and creepy powers a question to her dad: can she bite Jacob? Jacob LAUGHS.

EVERYTHING IS AWFUL.

Edward wants Jacob to leave, but he won’t because he promised Charlie he’d be there for moral support. Edward calls him a repulsive monster just for good measure, even though they are the ones trying to arrange not murdering Charlie to the best of their abilities. But okay.

Catherine: This is turning into some real “All in the Family” shit, Meathead. The next hundred years with these two constantly fighting are gonna be miserable. 

K: Thank God we don’t have to read about the next hundred years…

Mari: Not that we would anyway. We do have some limits.

Everyone can hear Charlie’s car approaching. Bella asks Edward if he’s sure about this, and he is. He kisses her and it makes Bella insta-horny, to the point where Jasper can feel the shift in her emotions or whatever the shit his power is. (K: EW.) Jasper tells Edward to cool it, because they all need Bella to focus. Bella tells him they can do sexy things later and she keeps thinking about it so Jasper has to keep chastising her.

Bella listens to Charlie’s approach, counting his steps and breaths. Carlisle opens the door for Charlie, who is pretty stiff and gets right down to asking after Bella. Without thinking, Bella calls out to him, but then realizes that her voice is so different now compared to her stupid human voice. Her voice now is wind chimes because that’s the upgrade you get when you level up as a vampire. Wind chimes. Also, Bella says that calling out used some of her air supply? DEAR SWEET LORD, DO THEY NEED TO BREATHE OR NOT?

Catherine: I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING INSANE. 

Mari: Charlie gets closer and closer, and Bella has to assure him several times that it’s really her. She runs out of the air she doesn’t have to breathe and has to take a big gulp of Charlie-tainted air. (K: BUT SHE DOESN’T NEED AIR????? JFC, STEPH.) She tells us all about how delicious he smells, but she controls herself because she’s super special. Charlie turns his attention to Renesmee, and Edward lies smoothly about this being his niece from his adopted brother who was killed in a car accident and now they are adopting her. Charlie asks if this is okay with Bella and she violently replies that the baby is hers. There are jokes about what young grandpas Charlie and Carlisle are. It’s going okay until Renesmee looks at Charlie and he sees her eyes, which are Bella’s eyes, which are Charlie’s eyes. Charlie starts hyperventilating until Jacob comes over and reminds him that this all on a need to know basis.

Charlie calms down and says he doesn’t want the whole story but he doesn’t want to be lied to. Edward says it’s important for him to know the public story more than the truth. Charlie tells Bella she could’ve given him some warning, but she doesn’t think it would’ve made any of this easier. Renesmee reaches out to Charlie, but Bella stops her. R creepy powers her mom so that Bella knows that even though R is thirsty, she’s overriding that feeling. Charlie asks how old she is and Edward says she’s kind of 3 months, kind of younger, kind of more mature. Renesmee waves at Charlie and Jacob beams about how special she is. This makes Charlie kind of suspicious about what role Jacob plays here and how much Billy knows about any of this. Jacob starts to give him answer, but then Charlie is like NOPE. NEVER MIND.

It’s better not to know.

Catherine: Suddenly I don’t blame Charlie. I wish we didn’t know either. 

K: AGREED.

Annie: SAME.

Mari: See?

This moment is interrupted when Emmett whoops loudly because he’s watching football like humans do and the Gators just scored. Charlie takes a deep, long-suffering breath and joins Emmett on the couch to watch the game.

K: A valid choice, given the many fucked up alternatives.

 

 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: We are getting closer to the end so that action ramps up with arm wrestling in Chapter 26. 

 

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Annie (all posts)

I'm a radio broadcast grad, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, and Toronto Raptors fan. Former graveyard-shift radio host and communications manager to the non-profit stars, now a freelance writer and communications advisor. I hate spoilers and weak tea.





Catherine (all posts)

I am a 25 year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





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  • rukbat3

    I think the idea behind the breathing thing is that it takes air moving across your vocal cords to talk, so every time Bella says something, she uses up a little bit of air. So this actually makes sense and doesn’t annoy me like THE REST OF EVERYTHING EVER.

    • So… why is she taking gulps of air before he gets there? To hold in reserve to use the air across her vocal chords…? That’s… not how that works. I mean, if that’s what Steph meant (doubtful) there wouldn’t be big gulps of air and she could’ve just said that Bella didn’t want to talk because every time she opened her mouth, blah blah blah air and blood and stuff.

      This moment bothers me SO MUCH because it’s been like 4 back to back chapters of WILL SHE WON’T SHE with breathing. Like, she literally changes her mind BETWEEN CHAPTERS WHY STEPHENIE. WHY.

      • Rosasusannah

        The need for air to speak as the air passes through the vocal chords is what I presumed to be the reason as well. The way it was phrased was stupid to be sure because you wouldn’t need gulps of air, just one deep breath, but the idea makes more sense than most of SMeyer’s stuff. Same goes for the other breath related topics. Even if you didn’t need oxygen, you might still like to breathe in scents etc.

        Not saying the inconsistencies aren’t there though. For example, Bella needs to be taught how to act human like she’s forgotten what is normal for human experience and yet vampires breathe because they’re used to it from their human days? So the baby vamps are detached from some human habits but continue doing some things out of habit? What? Haaaaaah.

        • The fact that taking gulps of air to speak is the thing that makes most sense here is small comfort.

          I don’t care if the vampires need to breathe or not It bothers me that Meyer changes her mind every chapter. IT TAUNTS ME FROM THE TEXT.

  • Sarah

    This manuscript should have been burnt before it was allowed to see the light of day.

    • The person with a match would’ve been a hero.

  • Purva

    Why the fuck is this SO CREEPY? And how did Meyer not know that??? I’m really close to puking right now! Disgusting piece of shit!

    • Somewhere, she is happily existing, still without a clue that this is the creepiest.

  • Joy

    What is the plot at this point? Is there one?

    • Christie Greenwood

      Nope. This thing is just a collection of smaller segments of Bella being awesome and getting expensive shit thrown at her. It wasn’t originally meant to be a novel. Think of it as a suefic, because that’s what it really is.

      • We are 60% in and the only thing we can really count as happening is Bella being turned in the process of giving birth to Renesmee. ONE THING HAS HAPPENED. FROM TWO POINTS OF VIEW.

  • Alicia

    Vamp Bella: perfect at everything else except being a parent. Cause her priorities are clearly out of whack.

    Wow, that whole paragraph you guys just quoted was terrible. Describing Bella as cartoonish while describing Edward looking like a freaking disco ball – yeah, that was bad.

    Uh, yeah, having all the clothes in garment bags is just a weird as fuck way to set up a closet. Is it something else to show off their wealth? “I’m so rich that the clothes I give you are still in garment bags”? Or “These clothes are so expensive that if you even get a spec of dust on them it might destroy them”? Cause I can’t see another reason to leave clothes in garment bags while setting up a closet for someone.

    Bella taking the occasional thought to freak out about how fast her baby is growing, just to remind us that she’s pretending to be a good parent cause she is instantly perfect at everything now.

    “Everyone laughs like this is amazing”…shouldn’t someone be there going, “No, Renesmee, don’t throw spoons and dent people’s floors, k? You’re too strong and destroying people’s things isn’t a good thing.” But alas, this kid will never be punished or scolded in any way. She could be murdering all the humans and the vampires would be standing there laughing like it’s amazing.

    Why do they have second best silver when nobody eats? I’m guessing, again, it’s to throw their wealth in people’s faces. “Let’s brag about our wealth every few sentences”. Great. Meyer was definitely paid by the word.

    It’s great that grown adults are laughing about a newly married (one of them being newly vamped) couple having a lot of sex. HAHAHAHAHA so funny. ?? When they all know that being a vampire means extra horny times (for some reason I still don’t understand), so I don’t see why they all think it’s so funny.

    I’m not sure what the whole “mouth hanging open” thing means. Was he drooling over his infant bride? Was he attempting to eat her face off? Idk.

    So Alice had a vision and interrupted herself to chastise Bella for not wearing proper rich people clothes? Alice, WHY then did you include those outfits in Bella’s closet? Surely rich people jeans and a t-shirt isn’t THAT hideous?? What if Bella doesn’t want to wear a dress? Oh, but nobody cares about what Bella wants or doesn’t want in this story. Alice couldn’t give two fucks that Bella didn’t want a wedding, but went ahed and planned it anyway. Alice is horrible and the most annoying “friend” ever. She literally doesn’t care about what anyone else wants.

    Ugh, more fake tension because we already know that Bella won’t eat Charlie. She probably won’t even struggle with it, because she’s so ~perfect~ at everything without even trying. And now she’s actually holding Renesmee once to prove once more how great of a parent she is. Of course it goes on for pages and pages about how it will be so PAINFUL for Bella to be around Charlie, but let me guess, ~gasp~ it won’t be.

    So Bella needs to be re-taught how to fake breathe by moving her shoulders, yet she was going on about Edward’s breathing keeping her sane while she was in her coma? No sense this does make?

    Why does Renesmee even want to bite people? What’s so funny about causing someone pain? Even an “indestructible” werewolf should feel a cringe if a 3 day old baby with a full set of teeth bites him hard enough that he can figure out that she’s not venemous. The biting just adds to the overall creepiness of Renesmee. It’s also funny that Edward told her she can’t bite Charlie because he “won’t heal”. Um, so that’s how you teach your vamp child not to bite certain people? Maybe you should say, “Don’t bite Charlie because he’s not sexually into you so he might not enjoy it as much as Jacob does” or something. Maybe not, but he could at least tell his daughter that biting people isn’t right. But no, it’s Charlie’s fault because he won’t heal. Renesmee can do no wrong so her biting people isn’t wrong in itself according to Edward and everyone else.

    Meyer makes the shit up as she goes along, not even bothering to check back into her own character’s deets to make sure she’s keeping it consistent. She also never fully explains their powers, or she always changes it to match what’s happening in the plot at the moment. Guess that’s how people write and get famous/rich now.

    “Calling out used some of her air supply” oh you know, the breath she was holding in so she could fake-breathe more realistically? Or the fresh air that was not tainted with the smell of Charlie’s blood, so that she doesn’t have to inhale when he is there? Even though vampires don’t need to breathe so her holding her breath shouldn’t be an issue? Even trying to make sense of Meyer’s writing takes most of the brain power I have.

    They tell Charlie that Renesmee is 3 months old? I would think even Charlie would wonder why a 3 month old baby has a full set of teeth.

    • Christie Greenwood

      Murder or humans is treated by the narration as slip-ups that Patriarch Cullen frowns upon – not, you know, as a terrible crime.

      You’re spot on about the wastefulness and at SMeyer’s unfortunate suethor tendency to brag about her self-insert’s awesome stuff. Even Wardo is just a possession at this point, as is the self-raising hell baby.

      • Alicia

        “I accidentally murdered a human, I was hungry” “oh it’s okay son, we all slip up sometimes”. But remember when Bella discovered that Jacob was a werewolf? She thought he was the one murdering people and went on about how wrong it was. Edward told her he killed people in the past and it was like meh. And when she heard the humans being eaten by the Volturri she was sad for about five minutes instead of traumatized like most of us would be.

        Yep, Bella is even worse as a vampire when it comes to being rich and perfect and all that. I also think it was Meyer being lazy. She didn’t want to write about a struggling vampire family cause that’s too hard plus vampires are just perfect and rich all the time somehow.

        • Christie Greenwood

          Actually, SMeyer has publicly stated that she things her vampires are justified in murdering humans because a) they are better, and b) nobody can catch them anyway. Seriously, go read Personal Correspondence #12. It’s all there in its rage-inducing glory.

          …and you’re spot on about the double standard. I don’t think SMeyer noticed that, either.

          • Alicia

            Oh dear, Meyer is really fucked in the head. I think she needs some mental help – surely with her millions, she can afford it. I read some of the rage-inducing thing and wow, she really sounds like a psychopath.

            She also says in that, that a human lifespan is so much shorter than a vampire’s, and we can really die from anything, so…I guess, one little human death caused by a slip up from her “vegan” vampires is meh, no big deal. She claims that they “wallow” in it and feel guilty when they mess up, in the case of Emmett killing innocent people who smell too good and he can’t resist, he supposedly feels guilty later. But, in Midnight Sun, Emmett was basically encouraging Edward to eat Bella, with the excuse, “What’s one human?” Yeah, that sounds like someone who sure feels sorry for what he’s done in the past by causing a human family pain from the sudden death of their loved one.

            Oh but it’s because drinking blood is the vampire’s need, and when they smell someone extra-good, it’s excusable for them to kill that person to quench the fire in their throats. That was basically the gist of it. -rolls eyes-

            Meyer also complained that people take and twist her words around so no matter her own answer, people will take what they want from it. I’m just going by what I’ve read in her books and from what I’ve seen her say in interviews. I haven’t twisted anything she’s said.

            Also, I couldn’t read all of that, Meyer’s answer was 100 pages long and she keeps going off on too many tangents rather than sticking to the basic point.

          • Christie Greenwood

            Yeah, her pointless rambling is hard to slog through. But it’s all a frightening window into her mind, isn’t it? No wonder so many people have accused her of being a psychopath. I personally just think she’s a bratty suethor.

    • Jasmin Bell

      Ugh, I will never understand why Alice is people’s favorite character. She is literally the worst friend ever. She spends her entire time trying to make Bella into the friend she wants instead of the one she has, is more shallow and materialistic than any character in the entire series, and literally sold Bella out in the previous book, or if you’re keeping up tabs of the timeline, a few months earlier, for a porshe!!! Add on top of that her power isn’t really that great it just contributes to her controlling and abusive behavior, much like Edward.

      Also, this book should be renamed from ‘Breaking Dawn’ to ‘Mary Sue, Baby Sue’ because not only do we have to deal with Bella’s annoying perfectness, we also have to deal with it from her baby. Granted baby is basically the plot device SMeyer used for lazy writing, but this kid doesn’t have a single flaw and as seen later everyone who sees her just about falls in love with her and if they don’t and instead think of her as the abomination that she is they’re villainized or killed. She reads right out of the Mary Sue handbook.

      • Alicia

        Omg, I’m glad I’m not the only one who found Alice to be annoying. I’m pretty sure in an earlier vision she saw that her and Bella were going to be best friends. Sure, if best friends count as someone controlling you, making decisions for you, kidnapping you for a fancy car, yeah that sounds like someone I’d wanna be friends with.

        Yep, you’re right about that. All the vampires in the story are considered “perfect” by Meyer, but Bella and Nessie are the most perfected perfectness, even more perfect than Edward, because he has killed people, whereas Bella and likely Nessie won’t ever kill someone or struggle with the THIRST as Edward did. Nessie can do no wrong and never will be punished or scolded as normal children would be. It also annoyed me that everyone who sees Nessie falls in insta-love with her because…why? Because of her looks? Because she’s a super-special Baby Sue? Because she puts a spell on everyone and those that the spell doesn’t work on are bad guys? Hmm.

        • Jasmin Bell

          The funny part is the only time Alice did anything friend-like we don’t see it, but it’s rather summarized that she helped Bella shower when James broke her leg which is why Charlie likes her, but I can imagine the entire time Alice saying things to make her feel guilty about it because she wasn’t supposed to leave without her. “If you just would have listened…” would probably be the first thing out of her mouth every time she had to help Bella and while at the time that would actually be correct that still isn’t the makings of a good friend especially since she probably used that time to use Bella as a barbie doll even more since she couldn’t move.

  • snickerdoodles

    The closet is bigger than the sex cabin. Dumbella has a closet that is bigger than her sex cabin. Just how does that look on the outside? A little cabin with this huge room that is bigger than it off to the side? or is it in back of the cabin? And Malice put all of Dumbella’s clothes in white garment bags? Did she think ol db was gonna pick a bag a day? It’s a new game called Mystery Outfit. Pick a bag. Any bag! And wonderbrat is throwing the second best silverware for kicks and giggles? and why do beings that don’t eat even have silverware?
    And for the love of pete, Eddiegirl, please stop whining about all the pain Jacob is putting Bell Bell through. Isn’t Dumbella the most uniquest and pefectest and bestest vampirest on the planet? she didn’t eat the hiker, she didn’t eat her baby but now she can’t handle seeing Charlie? Did she bypass the newborn stage or not? Is she the sueiest of suepires or not? Everyone was going on and on about how perfectly perfect newborn Dumbella perfectly handled everything that came her way, but Charlie coming and it’s meltdown time? And when Charlie gets there, they talk about Renuzit, nothing happens and they watch football. I weep for all the trees that were sacrificed for this book.

    • Obviously none of the Cullens studied architecture with their million hours of night?

      Two pages after Edward is like, “THINK OF THE PAIN, JACOB. THE PAIN!” he’s telling Bella that everything will be fine and she’s great. And Charlie shows up and she’s like, “smells good but pass.” And that’s the end of the “tension.”

  • Christie Greenwood

    You know, these Cullens are the most pompous, wasteful, arrogant assholes in the history of assholery. They give Re-Name-Me expensive silver that they don’t even need and think it’s cute that she just wrecks the shit out of that (brat). They spend tens of thousands of dollars on stupid clothes that they either don’t wear at all, or toss after a while – and SMeyer thinks they are good people. The narrative sells them as good people. That does not reflect well on her.

    • Mae

      You would think the Cullens would be the ultimate green-living conservationists. They could live for tens of thousands of years, so they have even more reason to save money than the rest of us have. They should also be concerned with environmental and endangered species conservation since that will be their food source forever. But no. It’s all wasteful spending (without even donating their cast offs) and to hell with the food chain, the trees, the land, etc.

      • This reminds me of when we were watching The Judge arch of Buffy and I was seriously questioning why Spike would want to destroy his entire food source. The truth about the cult is that they are bored brats and they’ve lived young and rich for so long, nothing they do makes any sense.

  • Mae

    “Renesmee sleeps so they can have sex all night every night”
    Yes, because if there’s one thing infants are known for, it’s their ability to sleep without waking for a straight 8 hours.

    As for the clothes…if Bella is so annoyed by the garment bags, it would probably take her only 3/64 of a second to unzip them all. Then she can use her damned eyes and fingertips like the rest of us. But no. Meyer thought it was cool that vampires can sniff out fabrics from a distance and damn it, she was going to run with that!

    “When R (sorry, typing Renesmee every few seconds HURTS) spots Bella, she throws a spoon, denting the floor”
    So, R has met her mother something like 2-3x. In the first two, she telepathically sent visions of blood, knowing mom is a newborn vampire with bloodlust. Now, she throws shit at her hard enough to dent the floor. In the meantime, she bites her destined mate hard enough to draw blood. R is a sociopath.

    “he just wants to see Bella and to be told as little as possible about the specifics.”
    This drives me crazy. I know some cops. They’re all nosy. If there’s something you don’t want them to know – whether something serious about your past or just where you hid the Christmas presents – they will dig and question until they find the answer. It’s part of their job and their nature. All this tells me is that Meyer had no idea how to handle letting Charlie in on the secret and chickened out in the stupidest, most OOC way possible.

    I found it hysterical that Bella had to be taught how to play human. That suggests that she really WAS just a useless lump with unnatural reactions before she turned. So, Hater Headcanon confirmed, really.

    • The best part is that if we all followed their advice on how to look human, I’m pretty sure none of us would “look human.”

  • Jasmin Bell

    “She’s perfect and the greatest and the best. Just not at being a parent.”

    I find it weird that as a mother herself SMeyer wrote this as though it was good parenting. Bella and Edward are basically only parents when it’s convenient and when Edward remembers. It makes me wonder about how she raised her own kids….I mean if she was too busy to cook for her husband (who apparently lacks this basic life skill), I wonder how much neglect her kids got.

    Also for a girl who made such a fuss about having her baby she forgets about her a lot. In fact, she barely spends any time with kid which makes me wonder why she was making the fuss in the first place if she didn’t want to be a mother. As of right now she’s just pushed her kid on to others.

    And Oh God that quote: that’s one of the many many things I skipped over when I read it as a teenager because it was too tedious to keep up with the “action”.

    That damn closet and all it’s unnecessary clothes (seriously how can someone write so much and say so little at the same time, if there was a cliffnotes version of the series it would be three pages long and not miss a single thing) someone really needs to tell Alice no, and not in a joking sense. She’s a controlling, materialistic, shallow brat and people really need to stop humoring her. This also reminded me why I was never really interested in the Cullen’s — I could never figure out what they did beyond stand around and look pretty, and buy shit all day. There is no point to their existence they were literally entities that were just there to live forever killing people and never do anything important. At least with the werewolves there a purpose, a reason they’re there — they’re supernatural existence isn’t being wasted (at least until imprints enter the equation).

    • Mae

      The scary part is that Bella still spends more time with the kid than Edward does. Maybe I’m misremembering, but I don’t recall a single scene where Edward held the baby or just has a conversation with her once she’s vocal, or tucked her into bed and kissed her forehead goodnight, or any loving parental act. She’s just an accessory to her mother and a nothing to her father. I guess it’s a good thing she has Rosalie after all.

      • Jasmin Bell

        I remember at least later in the book that he teaches her how to play piano which I think is about all he does with her. The rest of time it just silent communication because they can read minds which still isn’t much time with the kid, but at least the time he’s spending is significant and he’s actually aware of her the entire time. Midway through he doesn’t forget that his kid is there. The creepiest and scary part to me is that Jacob “child groomer” Black spends more time with her than either parents.