Game of Thrones S07 E03 – Once you see a resurrection.

Catherine Game of Thrones, Season 7, TV , , , ,

Previously: Euron attacked his niece and many people died.
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The Queen’s Justice

Catherine: The previouslies remind us that Ellaria killed Myrcella with that crazy lipstick, Yara got taken by Discount Pacey and Theon bolted, Sam flayed Jorah, and Bran arrived at the wall. Oh, yeah, and Dany asked Jon Snow to come bend the knee for her.

After that are the credits, which take us through (still Stag-ful) King’s Landing, Dragonstone, Pyke, Boss Winterfell with its little Direwolf, the Wall and Oldtown.

Right off the bat, we start with Jon and Davos arriving at Dragonstone. (D: I’m already screaming.) They’re greeted by a dour, black-clad welcoming party that includes Tyrion and Missandei as well as a handful of Dothraki. Tyrion greets Jon by calling him “The Bastard of Winterfell” and Jon calls him “The Dwarf of Casterly Rock”. It looks tense for a moment but then they both bro out about it being a long time and Tyrion pissing off The Wall.Jon notices that Tyrion has picked up some scars along the road and Tyrion says it’s been a long road. But they’re both still here. Jon did die though, that once. But it barely counted.

Tyrion introduces himself to Davos and I can’t believe they’ve never met. It’s amazing that you can watch two characters on this show for 7 years and they never meet.

Democracy Diva: If these two and Lyanna Mormont had met in the first season, they would have solved every problem in Westeros and there would be no show.

Catherine: Truth.

Tyrion remembers that he and Davos were on different sides of the battle of Blackwater Bay. Davos notes that he was unlucky without any hostility cause he’s chill about it now, I guess. Even though his son died. WHATEVER. Everyone has lost several loved ones. It’s fine.

Marines: He’s lost more since then (SHIREEN) and also once you see a resurrection, like, other stuff probably rolls off the shoulder?

Diva: Still, it kinda felt like the show forgot about Davos’s son entirely. Or maybe that was just me.

Catherine: Tyrion introduces Missandei. Missandei thanks them for coming and “asks” them to hand over their weapons. Jon and Davos hesitate but hand over their swords to the Dothraki. (M: There they are… Supposed to be a whole hoard of them on this island…) In the background, the Dothraki take away their little canoe.

As they walk up to the castle, Davos asks Missandei where she’s from and tells her he can’t place her accent. She tells him she was born in the island of Narth? I don’t think that’s ever been mentioned before? I certainly don’t know how to spell it.

Mari: Definitely mentioned before and again last episode, Naath. It’s okay, though, because once you’ve seen a resurrection, like, you forget a lot of stuff. 

Catherine: I guess so! I assumed it was just a fancy British pronunciation.

Davos says he’s never been, but he hears that it’s beautiful and Missandei kind of smiles politely before walking away. Davos falls back to Jon and tells him that Dragonstone has changed. I’m aware that there was a joke here but I’m not really sure what it was even on rewatching this. Was he hitting on her? No judgements. Just wondering.

Diva: I assume Davos is noticing that Old!Dragonstone never had any sunshine or high-budget sweeping establishing shots. New!Dragonstone: now with sunlight and cliffs suitable for brooding!

Catherine: Or they just installed the fucking stairs. <

Speaking of which, up on the long ass staircase to the castle, Tyrion asks Jon about Sansa. He gently informs him that he never fucked his sister even though they were married for a second. Jon’s like, yo, I didn’t ask. Tyrion says that Sansa is much smarter than she lets on and Jon says that she’s starting to let on. Yes! Stanning Sansa. Do it.

Jon says his bannerman think he’s an idiot for coming to Dragonstone, and Tyrion says that he would have advised against it if he’d been Jon’s advisor, too. Because Stark men don’t fare well when they travel south. Yeah, his adopted dad died. THANKS TYRION. GOOD REMINDER. (D: So did Ned’s dad. And brother. Shit, maybe Jon shouldn’t have come south.) Jon points out that he’s not a Stark (yes you are, boo boo. Honorary counts) when there’s a loud roar/screech and one of the dragons flies low overhead. So low everyone has to duck. That dragon is a drama queen like it’s mama. Tyrion helps Jon up and tells him he’s not really gonna get used to the whole dragon thing. Jon just stares at the dragon in shock for a sec before looking back at Davos.

Mari: You say drama queen, I say attracted to Targaryen.

Diva: Either way, it was pretty hilarious to see Jon and Davos hit the deck while Missandei and Tyrion were casually all, “oh, was there a breeze?”

Catherine: Outside of a different part of the castle, Varys creeps up on Melisandre and asks why she’s not inside to meet with Jon and Davos. She says she’s done her part and “brought fire and ice together.” Which is what Jon/Dany shippers used to call the pairing online. I see you, writers. I see you.

Anyway, Melisandre says she’s done whispering in the ears of kings. Varys says he doubts that. She finally admits that she didn’t part on good terms with Jon and Davos because of “mistakes” she made. She acts all boo-hoo about it but whatever, Melisandre. You’re still a bitch. Should’ve been all boo-hoo BEFORE you killed the innocent little girl. She says she’s going to Volantis and Varys suggest/threatens that she not return to Westeros. But she says that she intends to return one last time because she has to die there. She says Varys is gonna die there too and he looks shook about it. I guess she read GRRM’s drafts or something, idk.

Mari: Buck up, Varys. That was really vague and everyone dies! 

Diva: Yeah, smile! Death is all around us!

Catherine: Inside Dragonstone, Jon and Davos are ushered in to the throne room. Dany sits on the rock throne looking pompous even though we all know her butt is in pain from that chair. Missandei introduces Dany with all of her titles.

 
 

It’s a genuinely funny moment, playing all of Dany’s frankly, ridiculous list of titles. Tyrion is the only one that smiles, though.

Dany thanks Jon for coming by calling him “my lord” and Davos corrects her, saying that he, himself may have a Flea Bottom accent but Jon Snow is King in the North, not a Lord. Dany reminds them that the last King in the North was Torrhen Stark who bent the knee to Aegon Targaryen and that him swearing fealty is technically still valid. Even though it’s been like a billion years and all those dudes are dead now. Sure. But I bring my shit in to Geek Squad two months after I buy it and suddenly my warranty is garbage.

Dany says that she assumes that Jon is there to bend the knee. Jon says he isn’t. He reminds her that her father burned his grandfather and uncle alive. The Mad King was gonna burn everything. Dany looks annoyed that this is being brought up even though she was the one that brought it up. She tells him that she hopes he won’t judge her for the actions of her father. She asks for forgiveness on behalf of House Targaryen. She says that their two houses were allies for centuries with a Targaryen on the Iron Throne and a Stark serving as Warden of the North. And those were super chill centuries. Before the Lannisters got money, I guess. Then she says that she’s the last Targaryen. But she says that to another Targaryen. So…

Jon says that she’s not guilty of her father’s crimes but that he’s not beholden to his ancestors vows. Dany’s face goes hard. She asks him why he’s there. Jon says that they need each other’s help. She asks him if he saw her dragons and the Dothraki and asks why she needs his bitch ass help. Davos butts in and says that she doesn’t need them to defeat Cersei. She could storm King’s Landing in a second and Cersei would fall. He flippantly points out that he and Stannis almost took it and they didn’t even have dragons. Tyrion says “Almost.” Whose side are you on, Tyrion?

Mari: The side of, “remember that one time I won a war BOOYAH.”

Catherine: Fair. Hopefully he can repeat that.

Jon steers the conversation back to him by asking why they haven’t stormed King’s Landing. He says that the only reason they wouldn’t have is because they don’t wanna kill thousands of innocent people in the crossfire. That makes Dany automatically better than Cersei. Because we all know Cersei doesn’t give a shit about collateral damage. (D: See: Uncle Kevan’s ashes.) Then he tells her about the White Walkers.

Look, the statement “The army of the dead are on the march” is just never gonna go over well. Of course, Dany and Tyrion think Jon has lost his biscuits. He asks Tyrion if he’s ever come across as being a liar or crazy before and Tyrion says no. Jon gives Dany his whole “I’ve seen them” speech about the White Walkers. Admittedly, of all the people in Westeros I would think she would believe this since she’s the one who has seen so many previous legends brought to life.

Mari: Plus, Creepy Red forewarned them that Jon had seen some thangs.

Diva: I get the point, which is that people will only believe what they’ve seen. The Hound didn’t believe in the red god’s bullshit until he himself saw something in the flames. But I feel like the Mother of Dragons should know better than to scoff at the idea of powerful creatures at the other end of the world. Especially since seasons 2-6 of this show was basically just a lot of people scoffing at the idea of Dany‘s powerful creatures at the other end of the world.

Catherine: Right?

Dany gets up and starts walking slowly toward Jon. She tells him that she was born at Dragonstone but that she doesn’t remember it because they had to flee before Robert’s assassins could find them.

And oh, yeah, wasn’t Robert your dad’s bff, Jon? She asks him if Ned knew that Robert sent assassins to kill a baby girl. She keeps going and says that she’s been almost assassinated so many times that she doesn’t even remember all of the people who have tried. Also she’s been sold, chained, raped and defiled. But that the only thing that kept her going was faith in herself. She says that she was born to rule the Seven Kingdoms. After a beat of silence, Jon Snow, now face-to-face with Dany, says that she will be ruling over a graveyard if they don’t defeat the Night King.

Tyrion steps up to be diplomatic, pointing out that the war against Cersei has already started so he can’t seriously expect them to stop fighting her to fight “…whatever you saw beyond The Wall.”

Davos steps up to be diplomatic and say that it’s totally legit that Dany doesn’t believe them. But if destiny has brought her back it has also made Jon King in the North. He starts listing off Jon’s accomplishments, including making allies of Wildlings and how he was named Lord Commander even though he’s a bastard. He says that these men chose Jon as their leader because they believed in him and that he’s risked his life for his people and took a knife in the heart and gave his own li–

Jon looks back to silence him. Oh, so I guess we’re not talking about this Highlander thing to others? Fair.

Mari: I’d like to think there was a little pre-arrival strategy: if they don’t believe the thing about the army of the dead, DO NOT bring up the resurrection thing, okay? Okay. Deal.

Diva: If I came back from the dead, I would never stop talking about it. Cab drivers would ask for an address and I’d be like, “yo, so this secretly old lady resurrected me…”

Catherine: But Dany and Tyrion definitely notice it and look at each other. Davos recollects himself and goes on. They need to put aside their differences because otherwise they’re gonna die. Tyrion says that if it doesn’t matter whose king of the graveyard then Jon should just go ahead and bend the damn knee. Jon says there’s no time because while they stand their arguing the Night King’s army is getting closer. Tyrion says it won’t take any time. Jon says he straight up doesn’t want to do it. He turns to Dany and says that he’s not trying to be rude, but he doesn’t know shit about her and all he does know is that her claim to the throne rests entirely on her father’s name. And his own father was part of the battle to overthrow the Mad King.

Dany says that’s fair but also,

She says that him declaring himself King of the North means he’s in open rebellion. Before anything else can be said, Varys literally runs in. Literally. I don’t think we’ve seen him run in 7 full seasons. I guess we know what this is about. He whispers something to Dany and you can’t hear it BUT I had to turn on subtitles because I can’t spell any of these mother fuckers names. So what he says is: “Your Grace, please dismiss your guests. I have grave news.” So that’s a neat little thing. Did that add anything to anyones viewing experience?

Mari: 

Diva: 

Catherine: Aw, thanks you guys. I expect tips.

Dany dismisses Jon and Davos by getting the Dothraki to show them to their rooms. Jon asks if he’s her prisoner and she says “Not yet.” Also the Dothraki guy walks ahead of them, which is a good sign. It would be more hostile if he was pushing them along, right?

Diva: Ask for some bread and salt, Jon! She’s no Frey, she ain’t gonna violate your guest right!

Catherine: Good advice for surviving if you’re ever in Westeros.

Once they’re gone, Varys tells Dany about Yara and Ellaria getting waylayed. I think that’s a boat word for “fucked up.” Apparently only 2 or 3 ships escaped and the rest were sunk or captured. He says that Ellaria and the Sand Snakes were also killed/captured as were the Greyjoys. Dany asks if “all of them” were taken.

Cut (FINALLY) too Theon being hauled onto a boat. Not by Gendry, unfortunately, but we have to live in hope.

Mari: Okay, another boat showed up but someone has to forge dragonglass and weapons and shit, right?

Keep the hope alive. 

Diva: If keeping hope alive gives us more excuses for shirtless rippling Gendry gifs, I will never stop hoping.

Catherine: Great, now I have to stare at that gif for the next 7 hours and I can’t continue on with the recap! No, wait. I have to be strong. Let’s keep rowing.

Theon gets found by one of the ships that escaped. The captain (look, I don’t know who this guy is, am I supposed to?) asks if Yara is dead. Theon says that Pacey captured her. He says that he tried to save her. The captain says that he wouldn’t be talking to them if he’d really tried. Everyone walks away and leaves him shivering on the deck. These people clearly don’t understand PTSD.

King’s Landing. 50% off Pacey is parading through the streets on horseback while pulling Yara and Ellaria and whichever Sand Snake was also captured (I wanna say Susan?) (M: #nailedit) (D: A+) along on literal leashes. The peasants in the streets cheer him but whatever Pacey. They are peasants and they have little excitement in their lives. You’re not cool. Pacey is so gratified by the shout outs from the peasants that he tells his NIECE that it’s making him hard. TMI, Uncle Pacey. He also mocks Theon and calls him a twat.

Yara and Ellaria have to endure shouts and vegetable throwery from the crowd. Some choice soundbites from the extras: “You’re the worst! The worst!” and “You fucking wankers!” Real dialogue. Real.

Diva: I thought I heard someone say “wanker,” but I assumed I misheard. Nice work, extras. Also: why do any of these people know/care about Pacey? Like, are we expected to believe the average Kings Landinger is Team Cersei? I find that really hard to believe.

Mari: The general idea seems to be that the angry (and possibly poor) herd just likes terrible stuff and being mean, but I don’t know. It’s a little hard to believe, even when I try to tell myself it’s kind of like an angry Twitter mob.

Catherine: It seemed pretty forced. He’s only been to town like, once before this.

When they arrive at the Red Keep, Pacey shows his trashiness by riding his horse right on up to the throne. Ellaria is particularly disturbed by the Frankenmountain standing by Cersei’s side. Cheap ass Pacey offers Ellaria and baby Sand Snake as the gift. He pointedly says that he’s giving her what no other man could while looking at Jamie. The answer is apparently “justice for your murdered daughter” and not “cock that wasn’t in the womb with you.” (M: CATHERINE.) (D: THIS IS FLAWLESS.) (C: WE WERE ALL THINKING IT I JUST SAID IT.)

Ellaria, defiant till the last, spits at Cersei and Cersei laughs. Cersei tells Pacey that he’s proven himself a true friend to the throne and he nice guy’s her by saying he doesn’t wanna be in the friendzone. She looks like she’s choking back vom as she tells him he will have what his heart desires when the war is over. Meaning marriage, I guess. HO BOY, that should go well. Jamie looks upset. I don’t care. Whatever.

Diva: “When the war is over” is code for “not in a million fuckin’ years.” I wouldn’t start googling their registry or anything.

Catherine: Cersei tells the crowd that Pacey and Jamie are defending the country and the war is gonna be lit. Everyone cheers. Pacey taunts Jamie about the people loving him more. Jamie points out that this exact mob spat at Cersei when she was doing her “shame” walk thing a few seasons ago. It’s a finicky mob, basically. Jamie says that they will cheer to see Pacey’s head on a spike if he turns on the Lannisters. Pacey points out that they would cheer at Jamie’s head, too because they just super love severed heads. A fair point. Then he asks Jamie for advice. Jamie’s like ‘advice on what?’ Oh, on fingering your sister’s butthole, of course!

 
He really does say this. Game of Thrones butthole mention devotees will remember that there was a butthole fingering scene last season too. In this week’s #gameofsnark livetweet, there was obviously a discussion on whether or not the writers are into butt stuff. It’s a very important discussion.

Diva: We are serious analysts of prestige TV, and let it never be said that we are unwilling to broach the difficult subjects. You’re welcome.

Catherine: Dungeon. Ellaria and Baby Sand Snake (Oh, apparently it’s Tyene) are tied to a wall while Cersei speechifies. She really basks in the glory of mentally torturing her daughter’s killer, bringing up Oberyn’s death and everything. Cersei’s anger comes out when she starts talking about Myrcella. She talks about the love of her daughter and asks Ellaria why she took her away. It is maybe the only genuine Cersei moment we’ve ever gotten?

Mari: Back in the day, Cersei came off as very dedicated to her children. A lot of the weird stuff she did early on could be attributed to that. But after Joffrey and Myrcella died, she went all in on driving Tommen to his death. She’s long passed the point of “for family!” into “HOORAY KILLING!!!” Which is all to say that this is very reminiscent of early Cersei but also I don’t care because her reign of terror has already gone long enough.

Catherine: It’s gone on so long I forgot there was another version of Cersei.

Ellaria can’t answer because she’s gagged. Cersei calms herself and says that it doesn’t matter. She goes over and starts creepily feeling up Tyene’s lips. Ellaria struggles against her chains. Obviously some shit is about to happen. I don’t really like either of these characters and this is still rough to watch. Cersei says that she spent a lot of time deciding how to kill Ellaria. She wants it to be slow and painful, obvs. She says that she thought of having Frankenmountain crush Tyene’s skull but that she was too pretty for that. Suddenly, Cersei kisses Tyene hard on the lips. Ellaria seems to know right away what has happened. (M: I knew when I saw that bright ass lipstick…) Tyene is confused. Cersei wipes off her lipstick and says that Qyburn (who is creep watching in the corner for IDK what reasons) figured out the lipstick poison that Ellaria used to kill Myrcella and copied it. Pretty sure at least 2 of the Kardashians are currently being sued for that shit but OKAY QYBURN.

Apparently the poison is called “The Long Farewell.” It can kill someone in hours or days depending on the person’s constitution. Ellaria is sobbing as Cersei kneels down and tells her that she has to sit there and watch her daughter die and then rot for the rest of her life. If she refuses to eat they will force feed her. Also they’re gonna change the torches every few hours so that they won’t go out. Cersei leaves as Ellaria and Tyene sob and pull on their chains.

Diva: Kind of love that everyone but Cersei was gagged so we just got to watch her deliver a devastating monologue. They were LITERALLY GAGGING on her eleganza, you guys. And also gags. Sorry for loving this horrific scene, but I did.

Catherine: No judgments in GOT recapping. Only love.

Of course, since Cersei tortured someone she’s all horny now. As is her way. She goes upstairs and gives Jamie a blowjob and we have to watch it for some reason. Great. (D: I take back my love. Yuck.) A while later, they lay in bed together. There’s a knock on the door and Cersei gets up and puts a robe on. Jamie stops her, saying that she can’t open the door because no one can see them in bed together, duh. Even thought literally everyone already knows, guys.

Cersei just says,

and opens the door. A cute pixie-cut wearing servant is there to tell her that her visitor from Braavos has arrived. Cersei tells her they need fresh sheets for the bed. Pixie-cut definitely pauses at the sight of them all naked together but she quickly scurries away.

Diva: I thought Pixie Cut was a new servant, but the internet informed me that she’s been Cersei’s hand maiden since like season two. (Shae once put a knife to her throat! Who knew?) And her evolving lewks match Cersei’s, natch. I am officially OBSESSED with this girl and want a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead-esque spinoff about this whole story from her point of view.

Catherine: HOW are we just realizing this? This is everything to me now.

Later, Cersei is entertaining the visitor from Braavos, aka, Mycroft Holmes, aka the guy from the Iron Bank.

Mycroft congratulates her on becoming queen even though no one asked for it. He’s all Pro-Cersei and “I’m with her” about it but Cersei ain’t got time. She says the Iron Bank wants its gold back. Mycroft says that her father never minced words either. But yeah, they need their money and all these wars that she’s starting are expensive as shit. Apparently, Robert emptied their vaults. The Tyrells are SUPER not talking to them anymore, and they were the ones with the money. Cersei’s a broke bitch, basically. Cersei says that she and Pacey have a whole armada. Mycroft points out that Dany has fire breathing dragons which, hello, could destroy wooden ships like they were made of Legos. Cersei says that her dragons aren’t as invulnerable as everyone thinks. Yes, please build up this stupid crossbow idea so that it can ultimately fail. Please.

Diva: Have Qyburn do some actual magic to kill a dragon. Don’t kill it with a fucking CROSSBOW. Please, show. That’s so pedestrian.

Catherine: Anyway, Cersei predicts that the Iron Bank wants to side with Dany but she tells them that Dany’s people are dirt poor and probably aren’t gonna be able to give them shit. She asks him to stay in town for two weeks and by that time she will have paid her debt in full.

Back at Dragonstone, Tyrion goes out onto the white cliffs of brooding to brood. Unfortunately, Jon Snow is already there brooding and he cannot be outbrooded. It would be foolish to try. Tyrion says that he wanted to brood about the Greyjoy attack but Jon is making it difficult because he looks better while brooding. Jon says that he’s a prisoner and Tyrion says he’s not. He’s free to do whatever he wants except, uh… leave. (M: Tyrion should look up prisoner.) Jon starts to say that if someone told him about the White Walkers and the Night King… but he trails off and says that Tyrion doesn’t believe him. Tyrion says that he actually does. Jon reminds him that when they last met he said that White Walkers were all fairy stories about grumpkins and snarks. He says that he did believe that, but since Mormont saw them and Jon saw them and he trusts both of them, he believes it now.

Jon asks how the eff he’s supposed to make everyone believe in zombies. Tyrion acknowledges that it’s gonna be hard and it’s more comfortable to believe in real, human monsters like Cersei. Jon says that he feels like a dumbass for ignoring everyone’s advice about going south and answering the summons. Tyrion tells Jon that Dany could have sailed for Westeros long ago but she wanted to free all of the slaves first. I’m… not sure that’s true? Wasn’t the entire plot of the last, like, 6 seasons that she needed ships and she only got them when the Greyjoys showed up?

Diva: I think some people actually did offer her ships in exchange for her getting the fuck outta Essos and leaving the slave trade alone, but once you’ve seen a resurrection, everything else kind of blends together.

Catherine: Tyrion tells Jon to ask the people that serve Dany in the castle what they think of her. He says that she protects people from monsters just like Jon but she can’t go north to fight an enemy she’s never seen on the word of a man that she barely knows. Tyrion asks him if there is anything he can do to help him.

Cut to Dany. Tyrion tells her about the Dragonglass mountain and says that Jon wants to, like, mine it or whatever. Dany didn’t even realize the mountain was there. He tells her that the Dragonglass can kill the White Walkers or stop them or something. Dany asks what he thinks about the White Walkers.

 
 
 
Tyrion says that he believes Jon because he came to Dragonstone despite the fact that everyone told him not to. He asks her to let him mine the glass because it’ll keep him quiet, basically, and it will give them time to focus on the war. Dany asks what Tyrion thinks Davos meant when he started to say that Jon Snow had taken a knife in the heart for his people. Tyrion says that it was a flight of fancy because it’s dreary in the north. Unclear whether he believes that or not. (M: I think not.) (C: I think you’re right.)

Outside, Dany watches the dragons wheel over the sea. Jon Snow approaches and she tells him that she named the Dragons for her brothers. One of whom was his daddy though neither of them know this. She points out that Jon lost two brothers as well. Then she says that everyone thought dragons were gone forever and maybe they should be examining what they think they know a little closer. Jon says that she’s been talking to Tyrion who enjoys talking. Dany says they all enjoy what they’re good at. Jon says “I don’t” as he looks out at the sea. See what I mean? Expert level brooding.

Diva: It doesn’t have to be Dany, but can someone have sex with this sad, beautiful man? We really need to cheer this bastard up.

Catherine: I volunteer as tribute!

Dany says that she hasn’t made up her mind about which of the kingdoms are going to belong to the throne once she’s on it. Jon’s like “I haven’t either.” Dany finally tells him she’s gonna let him mine the dragonglass and provide the men. Jon thanks her in surprise. He asks if she believes him about the army of the dead and she just tells him he better get to work. After he leaves, she looks at him wistfully.

Winterfell. Sansa is talking to the maester as she manages shit in the castle. Littlefinger is also there. FOR SOME REASON.

Anyway, the upshot is that they don’t really have a whole lot of food stores right now. Sasna starts being #bossbitch in setting up food deliveries and getting the blacksmiths to make the armor with leather to protect them from the cold. The maester leaves to talk to the blacksmiths. Of course, this leaves Littlefinger alone with Sansa, but he has to run to keep up with her longer legs. So that’s fun.

Diva: Also, at some point the maester mentions that Maester Lewin (RIP <3) has lots of old letters lying around and Littlefinger gets a funny look on his face. Just mentioning because I totally did not see it until rewatch and it seems suspicious because Littlefinger.

Catherine: This motherfucker is suspicious when he gets out of bed in the morning.

Littlefinger tries to convince Sansa that they should be focusing more on Cersei. Sansa’s like “oh snap, is the woman who murdered my entire family dangerous? No shit.” Littlefinger has this smarmy half smile through this whole scene even when she’s ignoring him god I hate him. He gives her a dumb stupid speech about how everyone is her enemy and every possible series of events is happening at once. Luckily, he gets interrupted when a guard arrives to tell her someone has arrived at the gate.

A crowd has gathered around a wagon at the gate. On the wagon is Bran. Sansa is overwhelmed and teary. She jumps onto the wagon to hug Bran who does not hug her back because he’s a moody psychic teenager now. That’s SO Raven.

 
Mari: I bawled once when Sansa’s face crumbled and then again when Bran’s face did not. 

Diva: I watched this while drinking a wine juicebox in a Hilton Garden Inn, so yeah, I cried a LOT.

Catherine: It’s very sweet. Stark reunions are very emotionally fortifying. Great for the complexion.

Out by the face tree, Sansa and Bran sit in the snow and talk. He tells her that he needs to speak to Jon. She reminds him that, as Ned’s last true born son, he’s actually supposed to be Lord of Winterfell now. Bran says he can’t be Lord of Winterfell cause he’s the Three Eyed Raven now. Sansa’s like “….okay?”

Bran tries to explain that he can see like, everything that’s happening and will happen and can happen and all that. But he needs to learn to see even better because he needs to be ready when the long night comes again. Bran tells her that he’s sorry about her marital rape BUT she looked super pretty when she was getting married to that literal monster so that’s nice, at least.

Sansa realizes that he can see her wedding in his mind. She gets creeped out and tells him she has to go back inside.

Mari: I’d say when your brother creepily confesses he can see  your rape in his mind, that’s about the time to cut the reunion short. Probably not the Stark reunion we were hoping for.

Diva: I get that being psychic makes you bad at small talk, but he really is the worst.

Catherine: Oldtown. The head maester guy is checking out Jorah’s motley but no longer stone skin. Sam looks on, nervously. Maester asks if it hurts and Jorah says that it does but it’s not as painful as the greyscale was. Maester says it’s almost like someone treated him or something and Jorah’s like yeah, no idea about that. Maybe it was the naps. Maester excuses Jorah from staying there since he’s healed and leaves.

Jorah asks Sam if he’s gonna be punished, and Sam says he doesn’t know. He asks Jorah where he’s gonna go now. Jorah says that he’s going back to Dany. He thanks Sam for saving his life and they shake hands. Obviously, Jorah is kinda overwhelmed to be touching someone since he just spent however long not being allowed to do that.

In the Maester’s… office? Sam is given the riot act. Maester tells Sam that he took a huge risk and it was really dumb but he didn’t fuck everything up so… good job. But you’re still on probation. He has to copy old manuscripts. Sam being Sam, he’s almost definitely gonna find the key to winning the entire war in those fucking manuscripts.

Dragonstone. Dany, Varys, Tyrion and Missandei are standing around the sex and plotting table. Dany wants to go after Pacey on Dragonback. By herself. Everyone thinks this is a terrible idea. Missandei tells her that she can still be taken out by an arrow even on a dragon. They seem to talk her out of it. They start talking about the Unsullied invading Casterly Rock. Missandei looks worried as she asks what they are going to face. I’d be worried too. Hot guys who are good at eating pussy don’t exactly grow on trees.

Diva: That’s pretty much the thesis of this show. And of life.

Catherine: Tyrion starts a speech talking about how the Unsullied are going to take the Rock and it’s intercut with scenes of them doing that. The Rock has never been taken but Tyrion knows a secret about it, since he used to summer there. Instead of going through the gates, the Unsullied commanders, including Grey Worm are going in through Tyrion’s ho door. (D: 1430 for that epic pun.) (C: I saw it on Twitter but I had to share because it made me lol.)

Basically, Tywin didn’t want to design the sewers of the Rock so he gave that job to Tyrion, because it was the worst job he could think of. Tyrion, in true Tyrion fashion, created a secret back entrance for hookers. Um, no innuendo intended. Sorry there’s so much butt stuff in this episode.

Through this secret passage, the Unsullied are able to impregnate the Rock. Which is weird, because normally going through the back entrance—no, sorry. SORRY! I’ll stop.

Diva: It’s not Catherine’s fault. There’s literally voiceover about impregnation while tiny little identical men run into gaping caves. It’s not exactly subtle.

Catherine: It’s so dirty! It’s a dirty, dirty door. The Unsullied triumph easily over the Lannister forces. Too easily. Grey Worm realizes that it was a trap. He looks out to see Pacey’s fleet destroying their ships. He pulls up a dying soldier and demands to know where the rest of the Lannisters are.

Cut to, the rest of the Lannisters. They’re at High Garden. Oh, shit. Great. (M: I SCREAMED.)

Jamie marches way more men than necessary up to High Garden to burglarize an old lady. Grandma Flowerboss looks down over the approaching soldiers in resignation. She waits in her room for Jamie. When he comes in, she asks if her men fought well. He says they did as well as could be expected since they were so outnumbered. Flowerboss references a line from “The Rains of Castamere.” “And now the rains weep o’er our halls.” And now the Lannisters are up to some more shit.

Jamie pours himself a drink as he tells her that Casterly Rock isn’t worth anything anymore so they gave it up in order to take High Garden. But the Unsullied won’t be able to hold the Rock for long. Apparently this was the same strategy that Robb Stark used on him in Whispering Wood. I don’t remember that and if I rewatch the first few seasons I cry too much to see through my tears.

Jamie says that there are lessons in failure and Flowerboss says that he must be wicked smart by now. She asks how Jaime is gonna kill her and if he’s gonna use his sword. Apparently it was Joffrey’s sword but he never used it because he was a cowardly piece of shit. Flowerboss says that Jofferey was a cunt. Jamie looks a bit offended but like, not really.

Diva: I mean, you can’t argue with the truth.

Catherine: Flowerboss says that she did unspeakable things to protect her family but she never lost a night’s sleep over it but that Cersei has done things that she wasn’t even capable of imagining. She tells him that Cersei is a monster. Jamie says that after they’ve won the war and the people are living peacefully, no one is gonna be wringing their hands over how it was done. Flowerboss realizes that Jamie really does lovelove Cersei. She calls him a poor fool. I guess the incest thing is not even an open secret anymore.

She tells him that Cersei will be the end of him. Jamie admits that Cersei has gone beyond his control. Flowerboss calls Cersei a disease and Jamie starts to get irritated. Flowerboss asks how she’s going to be executed. Jamie goes through more of Cersei’s super fun execution ideas for her enemies. Apparently she journals this shit. But Jamie managed to talk her out of the really horrible shit. He picks up Flowerbosses goblet of wine and pours a clear liquid into it. She eyes it, wordlessly. She asks if there will be pain and Jamie says that there won’t.

Flowerboss then snaps the cup up and pours it down like she’s on Spring Break. (D: I gasped. It was such a fucking incredible power move.)

She knows that she has a few minutes before the poison takes effect though. After she downs the wine, she tells Jamie that she’s glad that she doesn’t have to die like Joffery. She says it must have been horrible to watch as his father. Jamie looks solemn. Flowerboss says even she thought it was fucked up and it totally wasn’t what she intended. Flowerboss tells him to tell Cersei that she was the one who poisoned Joffery.

Jamie says nothing but looks stricken and then storms out of the room leaving Flowerboss alone to die.

RIP Flowerboss. She died as she lived. Like a true gangster.

Mari: If we didn’t see her die on screen is there hope? IS THERE HOPE? *cries*

Diva: She went out like a motherfucking legend. You could not ask for a more incredible final scene. Worthy of the character and the actress. I loved everything about this.

Catherine: End of episode.

Well. Another few deaths. I’m less broken up over Ellaria’s than I am Flowerbosses. But Flowerboss went out in such a perfectly her way that I can’t even be sad. All we can do is pour one out.

Mari: I said this last episode and I’ll bring it up again: but hot damn, this season is wrapping things up at lightening speed. While I was no fan of the Sand Snakes, I made a comment about the royal line of Dorne being all but gone and now all of the Tyrells? ALL OF THEM. Deaths this close to the end signify so much more, even as we tick them off as just “another few deaths,” you know? Bye bye house that gave us Flowery Bieber and Grandma Flowerboss and probably the best queen we’ve seen so far.

Diva: The lightning-speed thing is hard for me. I love how much is happening, but I want to spend more time on all of it. But there’s so little time left. I NEED THE BOOKS GIVE ME THE BOOKS GEORGE SIT DOWN AND WRITE PLEASE

Catherine: Stuff is going SUPER fast this season. We thought it was going fast last season but holy shit. It’s like they’re clear-cutting story lines this season. The predominant part of this episode were the Jon/Dany scenes that took up most of it. I’ve seen a lot of people (in #gameofsnark and otherwise) who were pissed at how Dany was acting in the initial meeting scene. Personally, she acted pretty much like I expected? I can’t really blame her for not believing in the White Walkers. I wouldn’t either.

There is also a lot of talk about whether or not Jon and Dany are gonna take up the incest mantle and hook up. I think it’s pretty much inevitable at this point. But oddly, I think this episode and their meeting actually showed how very alike they are. It’s so obvious that they’re related and not just because they’re both so pretty. They have like, the SAME personality. They’re both stubborn, sometimes to a fault, but they both want to protect their people and they’re both so GOOD. All I got from that scene was how similar they are. And also that Tyrion and Davos being their individual hype men is excellent.

Mari: Super excellent. I think it was amazing that we were all WAITING for that moment that brought them together and it was kind of… dry? Dany was stiff and Jon struggled and mumbled his way through the introduction. I know I kind of expected more from both of them, but that wasn’t realistic. They don’t know each other and they are fighting two separate wars. Now, I’m just curious to see what will bring them together. AND NOT LOVE OR MARRIAGE OR SHIPPING, PLEASE.

Diva: Okay, I don’t NOT ship them. Don’t judge me – I just really want to see Jon Snow naked again, so whatever we have to do to accomplish that, I’m here for it. But I too kind of loved how fucking awkward they were together. Immediate, crackling sexual chemistry would have been ridiculous. As Catherine said, this let us see how similar they are, and made for a more challenging and interesting scene.

Catherine: Seeing Jon Snow naked again is something I wholeheartedly support. Other than that, the Cersei/Jamie stuff was meh. This is not at all a spoiler because I have no proof or facts but it really seems that they are leading up to Jamie potentially having to kill Cersei like he did the Mad King. To me, anyway. All this talk about her being a monster and out of his control? Yeah. But I could be totally wrong. And I doubt it would be this season since they would have to figure out who was gonna be the villain for the final season if they got rid of Cersei.

Diva: At this point, I’ll be disappointed if Jamie doesn’t kill Cersei.

Catherine: This Stark Reunion was less thrilling than the last. It seems that whatever was left of Bran has been replaced by the Raven now. He’s not evil or anything, but he’s not really Bran anymore either. This psychic thing has made it so he can’t really joke around and also he acts really creepy. It’s not something we’ve really gotten to see too well until now.

No clue what is happening with Yara. Guess we’ll have to wait till next episode to find out.

And now, a selection of #gameofsnark Tweets!

Join us every week for #gameofsnark! A group of us live-Tweet, but feel free to Tweet whenever you watch and we’ll check the hashtag throughout the week.

 

Next time on Game of Thrones: Dany is super upset about losing this war so far in S07 E04 – The Spoils of War.

 

Catherine (all posts)

I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





DemocracyDiva (all posts)

I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.





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