Previously: The Dragonstone gang came up with the worst plan ever.
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Beyond the Wall
Catherine: Welcome, friends. Welcome to… this. This episode. Here we go.
Democracy Diva: We’re really sorry you drew the short stick and have to recap this episode. But also… we’re really happy it’s not us.
Marines: It’s v complicated being a Snark Lady.
Catherine: I understand. You guys had to do all of Season 5, after all.
The previouslies remind us that after Ned was executed, Cersei made Sansa write to Rob to tell him to pledge his loyalty to Joffrey, Tyrion and Varys are worried that Dany is acting cray, Jeor Mormont gave Jon Longclaw, his family sword that was supposed to go to Jorah, The Hound saw a vision of a mountain in the fire, and Jon took a laughably small amount of men north of the wall to catch them a white walker.
Credits take us through King’s Landing with the little stag, Winterfell, The Wall, Eastwatch and Oldtown.
At Dragonstone, we get a long, panning shot of the creepy sex table that segues into the Band of Brothers beyond the Wall. Idiots.
Democracy Diva: We would expect nothing less.
Catherine: As you shouldn’t.
Tormund tells him to keep moving, keep walking and/or fucking. When there are no women around they have to make do with what they have on hand. Dudes. Tormund giving up that Bi rep. I see you, Tormund.
Anyway, Gendry, who has lived in a shack in a flea-ridden pit his entire life except for like, a few months, looks confused. Tormund mumbles to Jon that Gendry might not be too smart. Fuck off, HE’S DOING HIS BEST.
Diva: Gendry has rippling muscles. He doesn’t need smarts.
Mari: Also, he’s cold, okay? Snow is the worst!
Catherine: THE WORST.
Jon says Davos says that he’s a strong fighter. Even though we all know Dadvos had already adopted Gendry before he’d even seen him fight. Tormund says that being a good fighter is better than being smart because smart people don’t go beyond the Wall. He ain’t wrong. Tormund asks about the Dragon Queen and Jon tells him about how Dany is only into him if he bends the knee. Tormund says that Mance Rayder didn’t want to bend any knees and look how many people died for that.
It should be noted that during these conversations there are a lot of gorgeous tracking shots of snowy mountains. It’s some Lord of the Rings shit. I think they filmed this in Northern Ireland, if I’m not mistaken, and it really is beautiful.
Anyway. Still walking. Gendry looks over his shoulder at the Thoros and Beric and rolls his eyes. Thoros asks if he’s still not over that whole selling him to get statutory raped thing. He points out that he is not, in fact, over it because they sold him to a witch. Thoros is all “she was a preistess” and Beric is like “wars are expensive and we needed the money” in his creepy Ted Bundy voice. Gendry reminds them that he wanted to be one of them and tells them about the Red Lady and the leeches. The Hound tells him it could’ve been worse. Gendry gets angry at everyone being all dismissive and tells them that the Red Lady wanted to kill him. The Hound interrupts to tell him to stop whinging. He says that Beric has been killed 6 times and you don’t hear him bitching about it. The others walk off and Thoros offers Gendry a drink of what I can only assume is some type of blood-warming alcohol (try to say that without sounding like a robot). He pats Gendry on the back and calls him a “good lad.” Gendry makes the same face I make when someone calls me “good girl.” Which is to say, he clearly hasn’t forgiven them. And he shouldn’t.
Diva: He shouldn’t, but I also kinda loved everyone giving him shit for still being upset about a totally reasonable thing to be upset about, just because they’ve all seen worse. And honestly, dick leeches are only like the 14th worst thing we’ve seen on this show anyway.
Mari: I agree with that and… it’s early yet to be as angry as I’ll get later in this recap…. but remember this okay? Remember the bunch of dudes having a jolly good, forgiving time, laughing about selling each other off in murder and dick leeches.
Catherine: Over to Jon who is now talking to Jorah. Jon tells him that he knew his father, Jeor. Jorah says that Jeor was a good man and asks if Jon was with him when he died. Jon says that he wasn’t but they avenged him later super hard. Jon says that Ned was an honorable man who also had a shitty death. Jorah reminds Jon that he knew Ned only from Ned wanting to execute him. But he admits that Ned was in the right. So they bro out over their nice dads. Which is fair. How many people in Westeros can boast a good dad?
Jon pulls Jorah aside and tries to give him Longclaw. He says that Jeor never thought Jorah was gonna come back to Westeros, but since he’s back the sword rightfully belongs to him. Jorah says that he brought shame to his house and broke his father’s heart, therefore he forfeited the right to claim Longclaw. He gives it back to Jon and says he hopes it serves him well and his children after him. This may be the result of the blood-warming alcohol I’ve been drinking but I think Jorah gives Jon a little stage wink before walking away. Like “I know you’re gonna bone the girl I love ’cause you are super noble and kind even though you don’t have to be because you are also literally the most beautiful man that I have ever seen and I’m cool with it.” I think that’s what that wink said.
Diva: That’s what most of my winks say.
Mari: You didn’t hear the whole thing. The wink kept saying, “also, handsomest of bros, probably don’t give away your dead-people killing weapon within the first five minutes of trying to hunt dead people just FYI.”
Catherine: If only Jon could read winks as well as we can.
Winterfell. Arya is looking out over the training ground thing when Sansa approaches. She tells Sansa a story about how Ned once saw her training with a bow and arrow and taking forever to get a shot. She realized he was watching when he started clapping because she finally got the shot. This is a long story that segues into Arya accusing Sansa of helping the Lannisters kill Ned. Sansa’s like “Wait, whut?” So, if you were thinking the writers were shitty enough to think Arya was dumb enough to fall for Littlefinger’s plan, congrats! You were right! You win nothing and we have to watch this unfold now.
Mari: Essentially, everyone is a loser.
Catherine: Yay! Sad high five.
Sansa tells her that the Lannisters made her write the letter. Arya says that she would have let them kill her before she betrayed her family. Arya tells Sansa that she was there the day Ned was executed and she saw Sansa standing there doing nothing. Sansa’s like, um, you did nothing too. Because neither of us could do anything. Because we were little freaking girls. Arya says that Sansa betrayed her family. Sansa says that Arya should be thanking her for getting Winterfell back while she was out sitting on her ass. Sansa tells her that she suffered things that she can’t even imagine and Arya snarks that she can imagine a lot. Sansa says that Arya never would have survived what she did. Arya says that they’ll never know. Sansa asks her what she’s gonna do with the letter and tells her that if Cersei saw them fighting she’d be over the moon. Arya asks if she’s worried that she’ll show the letter to the northern lords and they’ll realize that she “betrayed” her house. Arya asks what “little Lyanna Mormont” would say since she’s younger than Sansa was when Ned was executed. Look, we can’t base our self worth off off how we stack up next to Bearboss, okay? We are all lesser in the face of that majesty. Sansa tells Arya not to do anything crazy since she’s angry.
Sigghhhhhh. I have a lot of thoughts about this scene and I may as well go ahead and put them here. This is such unbelievable BULLSHIT. It’s such shit that shit must have shat it out after having Taco Bell in fucking Bowling Green, Kentucky. I can’t even. WHAT is this? These are not the Stark girls that I know. Are they both wearing other people’s faces or something?
I think the writers want us to believe that they’re still oh so “different” from each other like they were as kids so of course they’d be fighting immediately being reunited but that is, as I think I previously stated, BULLSHIT. They’ve both matured so much and this just set them back like, 5 seasons. Are they babies? Did I miss something? Is this Game of Whiny Babies now? In this scene, they’re both acting like absolute idiots and I hate everything. I think that’s all my thoughts. I can’t tell. I’m too goddamn mad.
Diva: My own emotions about these sisters fighting like this aside, here’s my list of Shit That Don’t Make Sense:
1. Arya is a fully trained assassin with heightened senses who has literally been taught how to know when people are lying, and she doesn’t know that THE WORLD’S MOST OBVIOUS MANIPULATOR is being manipulative?
2. This scene requires us to believe that Sansa and Arya have spent literally no time talking to each other about literally anything that has happened to them in the last six seasons. None. At all. There’s not THAT much to do at Winterfell. What the fuck else could they be doing?
3. YOU GUYS ARE LITERALLY LIVING WITH A PSYCHIC WHO KNOWS THAT LITTLEFINGER’S LITTLE FINGERS ARE ALL OVER EVERY HORRIBLE THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO YOUR FAMILY. Does Bran just sit in his room doing massive bong rips all day? Isn’t anyone going to TALK to him about some of the SUPER VITAL INFORMATION he has learned, like, ever?
4. I didn’t think of this one myself (props to Tom and Lorenzo, whose Season 7 costume analysis I cannot recommend enough), but does anybody remember a million seasons ago, when Arya was literally Tywin Lannister’s cupbearer? And she’s still gonna pretend like Sansa writing a letter that Sansa THOUGHT WOULD SAVE THEIR FATHER’S LIFE is a worse crime than pouring wine for the Lannisters? Buuuuulllshit.
Mari: Hey, you thought we were done with anger? NOPE. Three Snark Ladies, three times the anger:
1. I was ready to accept the friction between the sisters as a natural progression between them last episode. I even reasoned it out, thinking that there was background for them being a little untrusting and hesitant around each other. A LITTLE. This is absolutely ridiculous, for all of the reasons stated above.
2. I HATE that it’s foiled against the bunch of bros with their worst plan ever. You are telling me that this group of guys who have history between them that includes literally selling each other into murder can overlook all that, not only for a common mission, but make jokes about it in the blizzardy north on their way to kill zombies? And you take two powerful female characters and in the same episode make them incapable of overcoming childhood grievances? For REAL?
3. Arya has been almost single-minded in her vengeance seeking. She’s had a list. She’s methodical. You are telling me this character gets here and suddenly cannot see the bigger game? She starts in-fighting because…?
I don’t buy it, I don’t like it, I don’t believe it.
Catherine: In conclusion: We SUPER hate this twist. It’s infuriating. DO BETTER, writers. I’m glad you guys could find the words to explain the angry.
Back with Ocean’s Eleven, The Hound stops to fix his boot. Tormund comes up and calls him “the dog” and The Hound tells him to fuck off, as is his way. Tormund asks him if he hates wildlings and The Hound says he doesn’t give a fuck about wildlings but he hates gingers. I seem to remember him being all pedo-ey with Sansa a few seasons ago. But okay.
Tormund says that gingers have been kissed by fire just like him and points to The Hound’s scar. The Hound smacks his hand away, irritably. He walks away but Tormund follows and asks if he tripped in the fire. The Hound says he was pushed and Tormund says that he’s been mean ever since. The Hound tells him to fuck off again. Tormund says something about The Hound having sad eyes. The Hound asks him if he wants to suck his dick or something. Tormund, bisexual icon, does not want to suck The Hound’s dick. Also he’s never heard the word “dick” before and he’s delighted to discover another word for penis. But no, it’s all pussy for him since he’s in love with a blonde beauty whose super tall—The Hound spins around and asks if he means Brienne. He’s in disbelief that Tormund is with Brienne.
Diva: If only this entire episode had been that scene. I could have watched that scene for seventy hours and considered it worthy of every award alive.
Catherine: Beric tells Jon that he doesn’t look like his father and that he must favor his mother. Oh, if you only knew.
Mari: Did y’all see the Tweet going around this week about how Jon totally favors his father?
wanna see something wicked fucked up? pic.twitter.com/4dqlNmfe9C
— Ryan Broderick (@broderick) August 24, 2017
Okay, carry on.
Catherine: Why you trying to murder my Jon Snow/Kit Harrington boner? Why, Mari?
Jon asks if Beric knew Ned. Beric says when Ned was Hand he sent Beric off to hunt for The Mountain. I legitimately do not remotely remember that. This is such a long show. (D: It was a hot second of a scene, and Beric was played by a different actor then, so there is seriously no reason to remember this.) (C: Good to know.)
Beric bros out over Jon and him being zombie buddies. Jon’s not into that Lord of Light stuff. Beric says that Lord of Light must have brought him back for a reason even if they’d don’t know what it is. He gives Jon a speech about fighting for life because death is the enemy. He thinks they were brought back to defend people who can’t defend themselves. Jon looks pretty mollified by this answer.
The party come across a mountain shaped like an arrowhead in the distance just as the sun is setting. The Hound says that that is the mountain he saw in the fire. He tells Thoros they’re getting close.
Dragonstone. Dany and Tyrion are sitting near the fire. Dany asks Tyrion if he knows what she likes about him. She tells him that she likes that he’s not a hero and he’s like “Uh… thanks?” Apparently heroes do stupid things to get themselves killed. She lists Drogo, Daario and Jorah and like, 2 out of 3 of those are still alive, my girl. But I get it. She’s sighing about Jon Snow being dumb and a hero. Tyrion points out that all of those men fell in love with her. Dany says that Jon Snow isn’t in love with her, and Tyrion is like “YEAH RIGHT OKAY GIRL LOL”. Dany says that Jon is too little for her. I guess Tormund’s been talking shit about Jon’s dick again. Dammit Tormund!
When Dany realizes she just called Jon little in front of Tyrion she panics but Tyrion gets what she means. I don’t. (D: Me neither.) I think she means figuratively. In that, he’s too focused on the short term. I guess? She hasn’t seen him next to Sansa so she can’t realize how short he is yet.
Mari: I think it means Tyrion is being nice to the lady with dragons and a short temper after she made a short joke. I also think it means that the writers are hamfisting this aunty/nephew love story so very much, that they had to have a scene with one character literally telling the other that a boy is totes in love with her. How else would we know?
Catherine: This show just became Grease. But not in an awesome way.
They start talking about Cersei. Tyrion doesn’t trust her as far as he can throw her. He plans on taking a shitload of armies and dragons when they meet up with her in King’s Landing. Tyrion says that Cersei will be laying a trap for them and wondering what trap they are laying for her. Tyrion says he doesn’t think going into this with deceit is a great idea and Dany’s like “it’s a war, though?” He tells her that Cersei and Joffery’s rules were/are based on fear and that makes their power brittle because everyone underneath them wants them dead. Dany says that Aegon Targaryen got a really long way on making people fear him, and Tyrion talks more about breaking the wheel. I am literally so tired of hearing the “breaking the wheel” talk.
Diva: I don’t know how many times I can yell that this metaphor doesn’t work.
Mari: Has there been an episode named after the broken wheel yet? Next season?
Catherine: If there hasn’t been I’ll be shocked.
Tyrion warns her not to react if Cersei says something bitchy. He doesn’t want her to lose her temper. Dany asks when she has ever lost her temper, and Tyrion gives her a bitch, please look before reminding her that she charbroiled the Tarlys literally last week. Dany says that was necessary. Anyway, Tyrion tells her that he supports her and wants her to win blah, blah. I feel like they’ve had this conversation 500 times. But it comes around to Tyrion asking Dany about succession. Tyrion wants to talk about who will rule after her since she can’t have children cause of how she got cursed by a witch in season 1. He talks about the Iron Born method of succession and the Night’s Watch way. Dany gets weirdly touchy about this conversation for some reason and loses her temper (temper loss number #234587375 of this show) telling him that they can talk about it again after she’s on the throne.
I’m not really sure why Dany is so reluctant to talk about this or why she seems to have never thought about it before. I realize that her not being able to have children is a touchy subject but this didn’t feel like it was about that. Was it just poorly written like the whole rest of this episode? Probably yes.
Diva: I was equally confused. We’ve never been given a reason to think she’s terrified of her own death, or a complete idiot who doesn’t realize someone will need to reign after her. Why aren’t we allowed to talk about the line of succession? Oh, because the plot doesn’t require it yet? Cool. Great job, show.
Mari: This entire conversation was awkward and graceless. “Did you know Jon Snow loves you and what about that succession line, am I right?” Just another scene trying to convince us that women in power don’t know how to strategize or prioritize. That they can’t put aside emotions to make tough decisions.
Catherine: Back to the Magnificent Eight. The snow and wind have picked up to punishing heights and the Suicide Squad is struggling to keep moving forward. Probably should’ve scoped out that weekend weather forecast before they left.
Mari: Hats would’ve been good, too. Some horses maybe?
Catherine: I have not mentioned this yet, but for this section it’s necessary to report that there are several unidentified randos with the group now. These men, who I guess are either wildlings or Brothers of the Night’s Watch, were not present at the end of the last episode when Jon and the others left the Wall. But they’re here now obviously because they needed some dudes to die. I will be referring to them all using the collective noun for middle-aged white men “Jeff.”
Diva: Now, in case you thought the show might do something normal, like give these characters even a single line of dialogue or motivation so that we can know about these people or even care about them, or at least have the other characters acknowledge that they exist, LOL SUCKS FOR YOU. Instead, because everyone is in giant fucking furs and looks like a beardy white dude, we have to just guess all episode long at whether someone we know and love has died, or whether it’s just a fucking Jeff.
Mari: Spoiler alert: it’s always a fucking Jeff.
Catherine: As the group are walking, one Jeff gets ahead of them. Tormund stops Jon and points to something ahead that they can’t see because of the snow fog. The Hound realizes that it’s a bear. Once it gets even closer, Gendry asks if bears have blue eyes. The white walker bear spots Jeff and starts loping toward him. He tries to run back to the others but another white walker polar bear tackles him from the side. Jon runs over to where Jeff had been standing and sees only a spear and some blood is left. RIP Jeff. The others all form a circle to protect their backs and draw their weapons. We get a tracking shot of them waiting tensely before one of the bears (I think there are two now?) takes out another Jeff. One of the bears knocks Jon over but doesn’t kill him because the actor has a higher salary. Beric and Thoros light up their flame swords and run over to a bear. The bear manages to take out another Jeff. Good thing they stocked up on Jeffs before leaving.
Beric manages to light the bear on fire and it turns to The Hound and roars. He looks freaked out, of course, because of the fire and not the zombie polar bear. Thoros attacks again and the bear jumps on top of him and starts trying to eat his sword. Tormund tries to chop it with an axe but it knocks him back like it aint no thang. The bear then chomps onto Thoros’ legs and drags him around a bit. The Hound looks like he wants to intervene but the bear is still on fire and he can’t. Finally Jorah runs up and stabs it. Beric and Gendry drag Thoros away. Looking over his wounds, Jorah says they have to bring Thoros back to Eastwatch. He shakes his head and asks for a flask. He tells Beric to “go on” and Beric uses his flaming sword to cauterize Thoros’ wounds. The scene cuts to The Hound turning away. Beric asks Thoros if he’s alright and Thoros tells him he just got bit by a dead bear. Beric is like yep. Thoros jokes about it being a funny old life and tells them to pull him to his feet. Tormund looks at the bodies of the Jeffs they lost and he and Jon look out over the tracks of the dead polar bear.
Diva: Oh, so a zombie ice bear just gored Thoros, then a flaming sword cauterized him, and now he can walk around like nothing’s wrong? I don’t know a lot about zombie ice bear wound treatment, but that seems… unlikely?
Mari: This is why this episode failed. We are HERE for dragons and ice zombies and flaming swords, and it’s easy because GoT is usually good about giving us believability in every other regard. Remember when there was no plot armor, or at least we thought there wasn’t? Remember when they at least tried to give us the sense of time and distances and people being hurt and vulnerable? Good times.
Catherine: Winterfell. Sansa is… hang on… I have to sigh for six hours.
Okay. Sansa is for some reason, having a private talk with Littlefinger in what, I hope to god, is not her bedroom. Sansa has told him about the letter Arya found. Littlefinger does a terrible job of being like “Word?!” because we know he set that shit up. Sansa is worried that Arya is going to expose this to the Northern Lords and they will take this as an excuse to go home since the war is gonna suuuuck anyway. She says they are only loyal to Jon. Littlefinger tells her that she’s a dope ruler and maybe the Northern Lords like her better. Sansa’s tells him she’s already married two men that technically betrayed her house and so they already have reason to hate her. If they find out she wrote that letter they’re gonna be pissed. Littlefinger says that Arya would never betray her, and Sansa says she would if she felt like Sansa was betraying Jon. She says that she doesn’t feel like she knows Arya anymore. Littlefinger suggests that Sansa asks Brienne to help.
North of the Wall. Jorah is helping Thoros along. He tells him he’s always wanted to ask him how drunk he was when he charged through the breech on Pike. Thoros confesses that he doesn’t even remember doing it. He had to be told about it the next morning. Jorah stops to help him open his thermos. (It’s a flask. But the thought of them bringing thermoses tickled me for a second and I need to get through this episode.)
Here’s another tumblr comparison for fun. From the third season:
Down by the line of White Walkers, they come to a stop when the Night King leading them does (a different Night King. Is Night Kings the plural? Night’s King? IDK). (D: If it helps, I think the Night King is just the one with the icicle crown, and the others are White Walkers, and the corpses they reanimate are wights. Oh, it doesn’t help, because this episode is still garbage? Cool.) (C: I’m still confused, tbh.) The White Walker spots a campfire still burning and looks around like “who the fuck came all the way up here and left their fire?”
Suddenly, the group charges at him from behind some rocks. There’s some fighting. Gendry swings his hammer around in a way only 4 years of rowing allows you to do. Jorah gets strangled by a white walker and drops his sword but Jon manages to slash the White Walker in half and the wights crumble. Somehow one of them survives. (M: SOMEHOW.) The group look at each other as they slowly come to the realization that they need to capture this one to bring it back alive, or mostly dead or mostly harmless or whatever. They surround it and close in around it. Tormund finally drops his axe and punches the wight in the face, knocking it to the ground. The others pile on top of it to hold it down so it can be tied up. The wight lets out a scream and The Hound tries to cover it’s mouth, but it’s too late. There’s a rumble of something nearby. Jon looks out over the valley. The others stop tying the wight up to look around. Jon suddenly spins around and gives them a look that tells them to hurry the fuck up without saying anything. They start double-timing it. Jorah puts a bag over the wight’s head to shut it the hell up. Jon looks like he’s strategizing at mega speed and then turns to Gendry and tells him to run back to Eastwatch to send Dany a raven telling her to come fucking pick them up. Gendry says that he doesn’t want to leave them. Jon tells him he’s the fastest (I guess because he’s the youngest? Or again, the rowing made his calves insane) and to go.
Mari: He’s the fastest even though he’s never even seen snow and Tormund knows this area like the back of his hand but okay.
Catherine: Gendry looks grieved but turns to run before Tormund grabs him. He tells him to leave the hammer because he’s faster without it. Gendry again looks pained, but gives up the hammer and starts to run.
The others charge out in the opposite direction toward where they think the White Walkers are. Which…. why? Why not, like… hide? Or everyone run back to the wall with Gendry? Since they have the wight now. It would be hard but it seems like a better idea than charging straight into an unwinnable fight.
Diva: I mean, these dudes are on a suicide mission that never made any sense, in order to convince an actual sociopath who murdered half the nobility in Kings Landing in a church that she should be reasonable. I’m just saying, good ideas might not be their strong suit.
Mari: *narrator voice* They are not.
Catherine: Anyway, they charge onto a frozen lake and the ice starts splitting. Jorah commands everyone to stop. All of a sudden, the White Walker army emerges, the whole got damned thing, running from a section of rocks behind them. They start running across the lake but only make it to a rock in the middle before the lake gets surrounded by White Walkers. One of the Jeffs falls and gets killed. RIP other Jeff.
A bunch of White Walkers try to follow them but the ice breaks under them and they plunge into the lake. A few dozen White Walkers fall to Davy Jones Locker before they wise up (SOMEHOW???) and stop moving forward. So now the expedition is trapped on a rock in the middle of a lake totally surrounded by the army of the dead. If only one of the 12 psychics on this show could have predicted this. Or like, anyone with any level of common sense.
Diva: So, can some of the wights think (the ones who stopped moving forward when the ice broke) but others can’t (the ones who walked straight into a lake)? Or does Night’s King think for them, and he just kinda let a whole bunch of them fall in the lake before deciding to make them stop doing that? Or does this show simply not care if its own internal logic works anymore, because who has time for that?
Mari: Only one season left!
Catherine: Cut to Gendry running across snow back to The Wall. Apparently he has an amazing sense of direction because he runs straight there. Also he doesn’t have to rest. Our boy has a lot of endurance, which is good to hear. *PERVERT WINK* There’s a long shot of him running in the dark before he finally sees The Wall in the distance.
Frozen Lake. The White Walkers are completely silent and still as they stare at the group on the rock. Jon looks kinda pissed. This was your idea, my mans.
Gendry nearly makes it to the door at Eastwatch before he collapses. He tries to push himself back up but falls into the snow again. Which isn’t great, but if you think in all this mess we’re gonna to criticize Gendry you have come to the wrong dot com, my friend.
Luckily Dadvos’ wounded orphan alarm goes off and he comes out of the door with a group of Night’s Watch guys. Davos pulls Gendry into his lap and asks him what happened. Gendry is so frozen that he can only tell him they need to send a raven. Davos tells someone to get the maester.
Morning dawns over the lake of idiots. It’s eeriely silent. Most of the men are huddled together and dozing off. The only sound is the wight struggling against it’s bonds. The Hound wakes up and kicks it which riles up the other wights. Beric goes to check on Thoros and realizes that he’s succumbed to his wounds and frozen to death. The Hound charitably tells him that it’s one of the better ways to die before taking Thoros’ flask since he’s not gonna need it anymore. Beric does a blessing over Thoros’ body. Jon comes up and snatches the flask from The Hound, giving him a disapproving look. He tells them they have to burn the body and pours the booze over it. Beric uses his flaming sword to light the body up and does his whole “the night is dark and full of terrors” thing.
Diva: So they kept Thoros alive through an insanely horrific wound, and the cauterizing of said wound, but then he dies in his sleep? What was even the point of that? Just kill him when the fucking zombie ice bear eats half his torso.
Catherine: Because this episode is stupid, I guess.
The group spread out a bit on the rock. Jorah comes over to Jon as he is brooding and tells him they don’t have long before they freeze too. Jorah asks why the wights crumbled after Jon killed the White Walker. Jon suggests that he might have been the one that turned them. This makes Beric come up and suggest that they kill the Night King, the one we are all familiar with. That guy. You know the one. He’s standing on a rock nearby with his other buddies, looking down at them as he does.
Beric says the Lord of Light didn’t bring them back to watch them freeze to death. The Hound reminds him that he lost his priest so this is his last life. Beric says that he’s been waiting for his true death for a long time so obvi there’s no time like the present. During this conversation Jon just stares at the Night King across the frozen lake like they’re in love or something.
Diva: I ship it.
Catherine: I do a little too, now.
Winterfell. Maester NotLuwin rushes in to give Sansa a letter. It’s an invitation to King’s Landing from Cersei. Sansa looks weirded out. Later, she tells Brienne to go to KL for her. Apparently Sansa doesn’t want to set foot in KL while Cersei is queen but she’s willing to send Brienne. Brienne says that it’s not safe to leave Sansa in Winterfell alone with Littlefinger. We aren’t the only ones noticing his pedo vibe. Sansa says that she has a ton of guards. Brienne doubts their loyalty and wants to leave Podrick behind to watch over her. Sansa gets offended by the implication that she needs to be babysat. She raises her voice to tell Brienne to take her ass to King’s Landing and Brienne has to obey.
Oh hey, Left Field? Yeah, we got your plot line. Thanks. WTF is this? By the way, we don’t get to hear what the mysterious invitation is even for let alone why Sansa feels like she has to send an envoy. Is Cersei throwing a rave? An eclipse party? Like…? Sansa literally owes her absolutely nothing and her sending anyone to do anything sort of comes across like she’s supporting Cersei as queen while she is supposed to be actively rebelling against her. I’m not blaming Sansa at all, by the way. I think pod people have taken over the Starks.
Diva: I don’t know what it means that Littlefinger told Sansa to use Brienne against her sister, but Sansa sent Brienne away. Does that mean she doesn’t want to hurt Arya? Does it mean she does want to hurt Arya, and doesn’t want a babysitter around when she does? Does it mean nothing besides the fact that the plot requires Brienne to have a reunion with Jaime in King’s Landing? My money’s on the last one.
Mari: I brought this up to someone at work and they interpreted the scene with Littlefinger and Sansa to mean that if something were to happen, Brienne would be honor bound to protect Arya. And then Sansa sends Brienne away. I did NOT get that from the scene at all. I thought Littlefinger was saying that Brienne would be honor bound to protect SANSA, if Arya McMurderFace tried anything. So this sending away for Brienne was strange. I think we can all at least agree on that it was unclear and badly written and in either case, Sansa trusting Littlefinger and sending Brienne away doesn’t seem in character.
Catherine: THAT comment makes it seem like Sansa sent Brienne away to protect Arya if Arya tries to murder her. If only the writers felt that we deserved any type of clarification.
Dragonstone. The dragons are sleeping when Dany and Tyrion march up. Dany is going to save the idiot parade north of The Wall. Tyrion argues that she can’t go because it’s dangerous as fuck and there’s not gonna be anyone to win the throne if she’s dead. But Dany doesn’t want Jon Snow to die before she gets a chance to tap that. Wearing a luxurious white coat that I think we can all agree is the only good part of this shitbag episode, Dany flies off with her dragons, leaving Tyrion standing on the cliff.
Diva: The coat is so good, it almost single-handedly saved my least favorite episode in the history of this show. That coat is like, the world’s best drag queen’s vision of what apres-ski wear should be. I need it in my life, forever.
Catherine: It’s definitely better than the teddy bear coats. They should have gone to Dany’s designer. North of the Wall. It’s still dead silent. (A PUN!) The Hound, clearly getting bored of waiting for death, picks up a rock and hucks it at the wall of wights. It hits one skellington and breaks his jaw off but he keeps standing. The Hound picks up another rock and throws it but it stops shy of the crowd and hits the ice, skidding a few feet. Everyone freezes (ANOTHER PUN LOOK AT ME GO). The jawless white walker looks at the rock, looks over at the group on the rock and then starts walking toward them. The ice holds. Not even gonna comment on the fact that this ice was too thin at night but somehow re-froze in the daytime. Not sure if you guys know how ice works but… like… it’s not that way.
Diva: Again, watching Mr. Skelly realize he could now walk across the ice doesn’t really track with wights being… you know… mindless skeletons. And isn’t it nonsense that this ice ever melted at all, considering we’re north of the Wall during what is supposed to be the coldest winter in like a thousand years?
Mari: *narrator voice* Yes.
Catherine: Yep.
The wight keeps heading toward them. It’s joined by another and then a few more as the group pull their weapons out. Beric lights his sword, The Hound has Gendry’s war hammer, Jorah has dragon glass daggers. The Hound strikes first, knocking over a White Walker who then gets back up. He has to knock a hole in the ice for it to fall through before it goes away. The others fight off wights of their own as the trickle of the dead suddenly starts spurting into a full battle. (How am I doing with the imagery, y’all?) We get a wide shot of the wights that shows the group are hilariously outnumbered. There are probably 200 wights for every one major character. But of course, they’re all excellent fighters. Jon orders everyone to fall back (to where??) just as Tormund is surrounded and cut on the face.
He gets knocked to the ground and two wights come out of the hole in the ice to pull him toward them. Thankfully, The Hound sees him being overwhelmed and saves his life before our Icon can be taken away. Jon starts trying to drag the captured White Walker back as he gets attacked. The Final Jeff takes up where he left off and drags the wight a few feet before he, too is attacked and accidentally falls off the rock into the waiting hands and teeth of the wights below.
I’ve prepared this brief Jeff retrospective. In memory of the Jeff’s we’ve lost.
Of course, this makes Jon Snow stop for a mid-fight brood. He looks out over the sea of wights, knowing they’re outnumbered and probably going to die. We get some slow mo shots of the others fighting as violin music plays. I assume this sad violin music follows Jon everywhere.
Mari: I’m assuming it would stop if he stopped making terrible battle plans, but that’s just a fan theory.
Catherine: But just as he raises his sword again, dragon fire rains down from above. Dany rides Drogon while the other two melt the ice of the lake so that the White Walkers can fall in. Even though, like… I thought fire was supposed to be all they needed to kill them? Shouldn’t this entire plot have been over with this scene?
The men from the group that haven’t yet seen a dragon look impressed, except The Hound, who has never been impressed in his entire life. (M: And fire won’t be the first thing that does it…) Dany lands Drogon next to them and holds her hand out for Jon.
Diva: They already have their captured wight, AND a way out. Why does Jon go more than five feet from Drogon? Why does he keep fighting wights when it doesn’t make sense for him to do anything but GET ON THE FUCKING DRAGON? I was screaming at my television during this part, and not in the good way.
Mari: There are two other dragons that could be providing cover fire, but Jon must valiantly sally-forth for no got damn reason because everything is awful.
Catherine: From the hilltop nearby, the Night King pulls out a spear. Jorah yells at Jon to get him to stop fighting, but he’s too focused on the battle to hear.
The Night King raises his spear theatrically, because he’s a fucking drama king and throws it at Viserion. The spear strikes Viserion’s neck and blood spurts out. He roars as he skids onto the icy lake and we see his eye close as he sinks beneath the water. Dany looks… concerned, I guess? I’m not sure what to call that expression.
Diva: Ah, Emilia Clarke attempting to emote. I’d complain, but her mediocre acting skills are like 500th on the list of what’s wrong with this episode.
Mari: Great job from the Night King going for the FLYING dragon and not the one that is like double parked on the ice, idling.
Catherine: Seriously. It’s like he had to show off.
The group looks on solemnly. Jorah looks at Dany and Dany still looks… I guess this is shock or something. I’m not sure. Nearby, Jon hangs his head for a moment before he kills two more wights. He stares down the Night King again (seriously just fuck already, you guys) and one of the other White Walkers pulls out another spear. Jon’s eyes widen. He starts running back to Drogon and ordering Dany to take off. Before he can make it back, he’s tackled by two White Walkers. Dany looks a bit more concerned and gives the Night King a furious look before she urges Drogon into flight. The Night King throws his second spear but thankfully it misses. However, the dodge from Drogon makes Jorah fall off. The Hound grabs his hand to keep him from falling to his death. Dany looks back at the battlefield with… a face. I can’t tell if she’s worried for Jon or heartbroken about Viserion or thinking about getting Chinese takeout.
Whatever. Longclaw is resting on the ice when Jon suddenly pulls himself out of the water. (D: You know, because it’s totally easy to do that in a hundred pounds of soaking wet furs when you’re almost frozen to death.) He grabs the sword and uses it to pull himself out of the water.
Cut to a shot of the White Walkers turning to look as Jon struggles across the ice. He looks at the, technically smaller, but still hoard-like group of wights running toward him and stiffly raises his sword. But just when all hope is lost another incredibly fortunate thing happens to Jon Snow! Uncle Benjen rides up with his fire ball thingy swinging. He takes out a line of White Walkers and rides over to Jon, hopping down off his horse. Jon is frozen but still surprised to see his formerly dead uncle half alive and riding a horse to his rescue. Benjen doesn’t explain. He puts Jon on the horse and tells him to ride for the pass. Jon tells him to come with him but Benjen says there’s no time and smacks the horse into a gallop. I mean… there was totally time to have that conversation, though. And then he stands there for a minute looking at the white walkers coming toward him. But whatever. Jon looks back at Benjen battling the White Walkers before they surround him. Is he dead? Did the writers bring him back after seven seasons just to have him save Jon and then immediately die again? Probably?
Diva: So, all you needed to escape these guys was a swingy fire ball thingy and a horse? But none of the Magnificent Seven + Jeffs actually brought a swingy fire ball thing? Or a horse? Okay, show.
Mari: Honestly, they made the horse a more effective escape route than three dragons but OKAY SHOW.
Catherine: Eastwatch. The Hound throws the captured White Walker into a canoe. He and Tormund nod at each other. Beric tells him they’ll meet again and The Hound says he fucking hopes not.
On top of the wall above them, Dany looks out, waiting for Jon Snow. Jorah tells her it’s time to go but she wants to wait a bit longer. Of course, just as she turns around the horn blows to signal someone coming in. Jon seems to be passed out on his horse as it brings him in. Dany looks… another way. I don’t… I don’t know, guys. I don’t know if it’s Emilia Clarke’s acting or bad directing or what but I have no idea what Dany is supposed to be feeling here. When I first watched this scene, I thought maybe she was thinking that Viserion was still alive and was waiting for him. Like, that was why she hadn’t seemed to react when he died. But nope. I love Jon too but you’ve known him like, 5 goddamn minutes, girl. Calm your ass down.
Inside a ship with Targaryen flags flying, Jon is put on a bed and Davos literally cracks his clothes to get them off of him. Dany sees him shirtless for the first time and sees his scars from when he was murdered that time.
Diva: Jon is CUT, yo. (Get it? I’m sorry. We need to get through this episode somehow.)
Mari: The puns definitely help.
Catherine: Get us out! The episode won’t end!
Winterfell. Lets just get through this, shall we? Sansa sneaks into Arya’s room She’s probably looking for the letter but what she finds is Arya’s bag of faces. For those wondering if Arya keeps the faces she takes, I guess the answer is yes. (M: For those wondering where she keeps them, it’s a leather purse from a nice little street market she came across once! Lots of pockets.) (D: I for one ALWAYS walk around with Walder Frey’s face in my sensible portfolio-style purse.) Arya creeps up while she’s looking at them. Sansa demands to know why she has a bag of faces and Arya tells her she got them in Braavos while she was training to be a faceless man. Sansa doesn’t know what that means. Arya creeps about a game she used to play in Braavos and uses it to question Sansa about her loyalty to Jon. Arya then creepily explains how the faces work and says that she could even become Sansa if she wanted to. Then she picks up a knife and starts edging toward her. Sansa looks scared but fierce, like she’s trying not to show it. Before Arya can raise the knife she turns it instead and hands it to Sansa before walking out of the room.
What was… any of that?
Diva: Honestly, this scene makes no sense, distills two extremely complex women down to wannabe-knight vs. wannabe-queen, gives up on six years of character development for two of the most complicated characters on this show, and just all-around sucks. I’d love to cling to the many fan theories I saw assuring us that this scene isn’t what it seems, that this will all make sense in the finale, but honestly, it’s hard to keep believing that. Last week, I told myself that the Snowicide Squad’s plan just sounded insane because the show hadn’t really explained it yet, and that it would make more sense once we actually saw it. And we know how THAT shit turned out.
Mari: Last week I had hope that Sansa and Arya were double-crossing Littlefinger. This week, I was still trying to convince myself that it was a very, very intricate plot to fool Littlefinger. Method acting, or something. Then I saw the after show extras with Benioff and Weiss talking about their horrible writing and I lost a lot of hope. Either 1- the really think any of this makes sense or 2- they are purposefully misleading viewers not only in the show (for tension1!!) but in interviews. Have I mentioned that I hate it?
Catherine: Either way they suck.
On the boat, Jon wakes up to Dany sitting next to him. He uses the Tenth Doctor apology (I’m sorry….I’m so sorry) and Dany smiles sadly and takes his hand. He says that he wishes he could take it back and not go North of the Wall. It’s cool. Only literally every viewer of the show warned you that this was a terrible idea. Dany says that she doesn’t wish that and that she’s glad that she saw the White Walkers because now she knows for sure that they are real. Her voice breaks a bit (fucking finally) as she tells him that the dragons are her children and that they’re the only children she’ll ever have. She asks him if he understands and he nods. All he heard was that he doesn’t have to use a condom. (M: Catherine.) (C: I’m just reporting the facts.)
Dany vows to help him destroy the Night King. Jon thanks her and calls her ‘Dany’. Dany laughs bitterly and says that the last person to call her Dany was her brother and that he was a dick.
Diva: Congrats, Team Incest!
Mari: RIP anyone who likes natural progression and good writing and when the show doesn’t make the powerful female character sacrifice one of her magical “children” all in the pursuit of dick. RIP.
Catherine: North of the Wall, The White Walkers pull four huge chains out of the lake and with them comes Viserion because of fucking course. The Night King comes up and touches Viserion, turning him into a White Walker. His eye opens again but this time it’s blue.
Oh boy. Okay. That was a mess. I don’t even know where to start. The Arya/Sansa stuff was trash. I have no idea what they’re even fighting about and this whole “BUT THEY’RE STILL SO DIFFERENT” thing is a garbage excuse to stir up drama because the writers didn’t know what to do with them for the rest of the season after Arya came back. I don’t even feel like I need to say anymore about it, honestly. I’m not gonna try and mentally justify it if the writers didn’t bother to.
The North of the Wall mission was still dumb. I think I might have been okay with it as a ratings thing if not for the fact that we lost a whole entire dragon over it. That felt like a shitty death for a beloved character (yes, the dragons and direwolves are beloved, writers. Even though you don’t seem to think so) especially when they just gave Grandma Flowerboss such a great death a few episodes ago.
Don’t get me wrong, I fully realize that part of this show is accepting that your favs are gonna die but I just felt like Viserion got a cheap death and Dany barely reacting to it made it even worse. I would have expected her to completely lose it when one of her children died. Maybe we’ll see her reacting to it more next episode, I don’t know.
Diva: Honestly, this show isn’t actually killing enough of our faves at this point. I was 100% sure we were losing my beloved Tormund in this episode, which would have been just the right level of hurting our hearts without eliminating someone vital to the future of the story. But on the heels of Bronn and Jamie surviving a battle they had no right to survive, the show gives us the world’s most insanely dangerous mission, and nobody dies except Thoros, who, let’s be real, none of us give two shits about? Yes, we lost a dragon, but everything that led to it felt like a list of random shit the show needed to happen in order to check off the box of Zombie Dragon. No character motivations made sense. No decisions were logical. And they weren’t dumb because they were supposed to be dumb, a la Ned in Season 1 or Robb in Season 2, who made stupid decisions that we all recognized as stupid. The show wants us to think these are great ideas, or at least not bad ones, and that’s basically an insult.
The show now reads like an outline, which I guess makes sense, given that we’re far past the books and the writers are really on their own now. It’s possible that these showrunners just aren’t equipped to write their own story, and can only truly succeed when they’re editing down what GRRM has already written. Nothing happens anymore because it’s something the characters realistically would do. Nothing is rooted in information we’ve learned, in real emotions, in people actually talking to each other. Things only happen because the plot requires them to. And no matter how many dead bears on fire or dragons falling out of the sky or shirtless Jon Snows you show me, that makes for a really shitty show.
Mari: This recap is nearing 10,000 words, so I’ll keep this as brief as I can: hell yes to the outline thing. By the time it happened, it was so very clear that everything in between the first step out into the snow and ice dragon was bullshit in order to get us to ice dragon. I’d be very surprised if that weren’t one of the major things GRRM shared was definitely going to happen. With a restricted timeline and a team of clunky writers, they dragged us against all logic to that end.
For me, the reason the Arya/Sansa stuff sucked so much (one of the reasons…) is that that close character interaction is previously what this show did so well. The epic, the grand, the episode 9 battle scenes, came few and far between. They punctuated something more– character growth and intrigue and plotting and masterminding and the connections formed, etc. I know some people won’t agree; they are here for the dragons. I’d still argue that the reason the dragons work and why we buy into this show at all is because GoT sells its believability in smaller moments and in characters. To have the action scenes so riddled with plot holes put up against the character scenes so wholly out of character made for an infuriating episode.
There is a lot, lot to say about the way women are portrayed in this episode. Another reason I hate the Arya/Sansa stuff is that it pits Sansa’s traditional femininity with Arya’s traits that are traditionally perceived as masculine. The best moment of the episode is Dany powerwalking to her dragons, AND YET, she is still deployed in service of the masculine heroics she just finished saying she hated. Because they are STUPID. I’m over it and glad we are now done with this episode.
Catherine: And now, #gameofsnark Tweets!
Previously:
Arya: I’m watching you.
Littlefinger: I’m watching you watch me. #gameofsnark #GameOfThones— Marines (@mynameismarines) August 21, 2017
Back off, Hound. Ugh. Go kill the Mountain already so I can stop paying attention to you. #gameofsnark
— NonCompliantSamantha (@SamanthaSpice91) August 21, 2017
I 100% don’t believe that pro-kneeling line from Tormund. Lame attempt by writers to keep stuff Jon and Dany down our throats. #gameofsnark
— Amy Salter (@FassbenderFan01) August 21, 2017
Why not give Longclaw to tiny Bear Boss? She deserves more than either of them quite frankly #gameofsnark
— Franuel 🐝 ❤ (@LollyWheeks) August 21, 2017
WHAT WOULD LITTLE LYANNA MORMONT SAY is the only argument anyone should ever make on this show or ever #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) August 21, 2017
I don’t know why this is happening now, but Jon’s hairline is really distracting me. It’s so geometric. #gameofsnark
— Gibhatch (@gibhatch) August 21, 2017
What does it mean when the script has to say that characters are in love versus our being able to judge that by their behavior? #gameofsnark
— Amy Salter (@FassbenderFan01) August 21, 2017
What is this, make-all-the-women-the-worst-versions-of-themselves episode? #gameofsnark
— NonCompliantSamantha (@SamanthaSpice91) August 21, 2017
Im confused about Sansas logic irt sending Brienne away. Like??? Does she doubt Brienne would fix things between her and Arya? #gameofsnark
— Sami (@samanyana) August 21, 2017
The conversation between Dany and Tyrion reinforces how ill-suited and undeserving Dany is of Jon’s particular brand of decency #gameofsnark
— Amy Salter (@FassbenderFan01) August 21, 2017
When have I lost my temper? Bitch please. Dany needs a reality check #gameofthrones #gameofsnark #ThronesYall
— Elissa Rose (@Coyote_Rose) August 21, 2017
The bear with the big blue eyes. #gameofsnark pic.twitter.com/Jn4NjlFfwE
— Gibhatch (@gibhatch) August 21, 2017
Ah the army of the dead let’s see if they can act in character at least. #gameofsnark #GameOfThones
— Marines (@mynameismarines) August 21, 2017
THIS WAS THE FUCKING PLAN?! #gameofsnark
— NonCompliantSamantha (@SamanthaSpice91) August 21, 2017
At least they had the foresight to bring along the requisite number of Red Shirts. #GameofThrones #GameOfSnark
— Harmonie (@RainbowHarmonie) August 23, 2017
Jon: I need as many men as possible to fight the army of the dead.
Jon: NVM. I’ll take 8. #gameofsnark— MyLadyDisdain (@CatherineJane91) August 21, 2017
How is sending a raven going to help? Is she supposed to teleport to them or something? #GameOfThrones #gameofsnark
— Daria Marshall (@idoubledogdaria) August 21, 2017
I said Thoros would be too cheap of a death so I probably should’ve guessed that would’ve made it a yes. #gameofsnark #GameOfThones
— Marines (@mynameismarines) August 21, 2017
Can’t Daenyrs just fly in and roast the night king and be done with it? #gameofsnark
— Gibhatch (@gibhatch) August 21, 2017
“We’re all gonna freeze to death.” Well maybe if even one of you would wear a goddamn hat… #gameofthrones #gameofsnark #bubbieadvice
— Haley Dercher (@HaleyDercher) August 21, 2017
Hey guys, pro-tip: don’t fall off a battle cliff into a mass of zombies. #gameofsnark
— Laura Lillies (@lillypad1985) August 21, 2017
GoT: Jon honey, you are FINE but you shoulda hopped on that dragon straight away. #GameOfSnark
— SnazzyO (@SnazzyO) August 21, 2017
I may or may not have just shrieked at the latest deus ex machina #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Daria Marshall (@idoubledogdaria) August 21, 2017
That was some no room for Jack on the door shit. GO WITH HIM, BENJEN. #gameofsnark #GameOfThones
— Marines (@mynameismarines) August 21, 2017
THATS YOUR NEPHEW STOP. #gameofsnark
— Jessica Babb (@Jessicababb) August 21, 2017
Is it a flaw or a brave choice that the show is making me hate so many characters that I loved in season 1? #gameofsnark #TalktheThrones
— Amy Salter (@FassbenderFan01) August 21, 2017
The S7 cliffhanger is going to be us hating our once fave characters and waiting to see how they fix it, I guess. #gameofsnark #GameOfThones
— Marines (@mynameismarines) August 21, 2017
Next episode, by the way, is the season finale already. So throw in your death and incest predictions now. I’m gonna need a lot of booze to handle this shit.
Next time on Game of Thrones: A big showdown in King’s Landing in S07 E07 – The Dragon and the Wolf.
I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
