Previously: Bella sniffed out an outfit.
Marines: Hey, it’s been a hot minute but I’m confident that the awful is fresh in your mind and that we will fall right into this like it was yesterday.
For some reason, we start the chapter with Bella telling us that she’s taking mythology a lot more seriously now that she’s a vampire.
“Often, when I look back over my first three months as an immortal, I imagined how the thread of my life might look in the Fates’ loom– who knew but that it actually existed? I was sure my thread must have changed color; I thought it had probably started out as a nice beige, something supportive and non-confrontational, something that would look good in the background. Now it felt like it must be bright crimson, or maybe glistening gold.”
1- I don’t know why we are talking about the Fates. Wasn’t the last thing that happened that they were sniffing clothes in the sex cabin and NOT telling Charlie that they are vampires?
2- Sucks to be all of us, with our boring beige lives.
3- Beige is… supportive? WTF does that mean?
Annie: Beige is probably just her most recent racist name for someone who isn’t as perfectly pale as she is. Maybe even a nickname for one specific person.
K: Meanwhile, I’m super confused about why she’s suddenly all “when I looked back on blah blah blah”. Have we jumped forward in time? Is she now an omnipresent narrator? Is this entire trashfire told from Old Vamp Bella’s perspective? I HAVE QUESTIONS. I’m not sure I want answers, though.
Mari: Perfect, because we won’t get any.
Now this bitch is talking about the “tapestry of family and friends” that is woven around her and apparently she’s color-coded all of them. The werewolves are “deep, woodsy colors.” (A: Of fucking course they are.) Bella is surprised that she can still count them amongst her friends. Even Quil and Embry who have apparently joined Jacob’s pack? I know I just said we would ease right into this but now I’m questioning myself. Did I forget something here or is Bella “one thing led to another”ing us?
Catherine: She’s yada yada yada’ing us. I died, I had a baby, yada yada yada, Jacob has more people in his pack now.
Mari: Leah hangs around with them too, but she’s the only one who is still openly hostile in case you were wondering if she’s still the hero. She hangs around, though, because she’s now second in command in Jacob’s pack.
“Leah was not happy to be near us, but she was the exception. Happiness was the main component in my life now, the dominant pattern in the tapestry. So much so that my relationship with Jasper was now much closer than I’d ever dreamed it would be. At first I was really annoyed, though.”
I tried to remember why this closeness with Jasper would be shocking, but I guess it’s because he was the vampire most trying to eat her, right? I guess having him stop trying to murder you would be shocking.
But anyway, Bella was annoyed at first because Jasper was hovering. She assumes it’s because everyone was expecting her to kill the humans, but Edward explains that it’s just because she’s so happy all the time. I guess Jasper has moved on to feeding on her emotions because that’s not any less creepy.
Speaking of creepy!
“And I was euphoric the vast majority of the time. The days were not long enough for me to get my fill of adoring my daughter; the nights did not have enough hours to satisfy my need for Edward.”
Mari: I was starting to question why we’ve gotten a page of I’M SO HAPPY! and I think the answer might be that Bella is trying to convince herself that she is?
“There was a flipside to the joy, though. If you turned the fabric of our lives over, I imagined the design on the backside would be woven in the bleak grays of doubt and fear.”
Firstly, the fabric of our lives is cotton, bitch. (C: STOP TALKING ABOUT FABRIC. FFS.)
Secondly, the doubt and fear is being caused by Renesmee, who starts talking when she’s a week old and walking at three weeks. Knowing that, doesn’t all that I’M SO HAPPY! seem kind of forced and creepy? Even more so when you read about how “frightened by her progress” Bella is and how she can “barely force” a frozen smile when her week old maybe starts asking where grandpa is.
There was always a cult quality to the Cullens and vampires in general, but with the addition of Renesmee, it becomes really disturbing. Like more disturbing than normal. I’m sorry to keep quoting so much, but read this for yourself:
“When she walked for the first time, fewer than three weeks later, it was similar. She’d simply stared at Alice for a long moment, watching intently as her aunt arranged bouquets in the vases scattered around the room, dancing back and forth across the floor with her arms full of flowers. Renesmee got to her feet, not in the least bit shaky, and crossed the floor almost as gracefully.
Jacob had burst into applause, because that was clearly the response Renesmee wanted. The way he was tied to her made his own reactions secondary; his first reflex was always to give Renesmee whatever she needed. But our eyes met, and I saw all the panic in mine echoed in his. I made my hands clap together, too, trying to hid my fear from her. Edward applauded quietly at my side, and we didn’t need to speak our thoughts to know that they were the same.”
K: SO FREAKING WEIRD. Like, the weirdest thing ever. At least our horrible heroine and her bland husband and their 17 year old son-in-law-in-waiting are as weirded out as we are?
Mari: Okay, so this week old monster baby starts walking and Jacob is “so tied” to Renesmee that he starts clapping even though he’s PANICKING on the inside. He’s sitting there clapping and they are all giving each other EYES like a bunch of people trapped in their own house or scared for their lives.
Annie: This reads so creepy and so gross. You can’t tell me that Meyer didn’t see this in her own fucking writing.
Catherine: If Renesmee had any sense she would start walking so she could get the fuck out of there.
Mari: Alice and Rosalie take to dressing Renesmee up every day and taking tons of pictures so they can create photo evidence that will look like a normal childhood. (K: Dafuq)
At three months, R looks like a “big one-year-old or a small two-year-old.” Maybe that means she looks like she’s a year and a half, but IDK.
“She wasn’t shaped exactly like a toddler; she was leaner and more graceful, her proportions were more even, like an adult’s.”
I’m not sure if Meyer is trying to make R seem beautiful and appealing, but that sounds FRIGHTENING.
Annie: Why is it that at every turn Meyer has to tell us how beautiful and attractive R is? She’s not cute. Not adorable and fun. But beautiful. She already has long, flowy, beautiful hair. She’s thin. Well-proportioned. Graceful. Like, does she think the pedophilia is more acceptable because of how un-baby like Renesmee is? Gross, no, stop.
K: I’m also not even remotely convinced that Stephenie Meyer has ever met a child because, like, I am here to tell you that they have bizarre and terrible grammar from the day they start talking until they’re about 20. And being a magic baby doesn’t change that shit.
Catherine: What are you guys talking about? She’s stunning and not at all terrifying:
Mari: MY EYES.
All that and R can also read. Bella is reading Tennyson to her one night and R uses her mind invasion to ask Bella to give her the book. Because even though she can speak, she prefers the mind invasion. (K: KILL IT WITH FIRE.) Bella hands the book over and R just starts reading it.
The long and short of it is that they have no idea what’s going on with Renesmee and as far as they can tell, she’ll be an adult in four years and dead in 15. Carlisle and Edward are trying to do more research, but they think they have to go to Brazil to, uh, research in person.
They haven’t gone yet because Bella wants to stick around Forks for the holidays. And also because Bella thinks she needs to go see the Volturi alone. I don’t know why alone. But remember that she has to see the Volturi because they threatened her to become a vampire OR ELSE. Apparently, Alice had a vision about them coming to visit, but she sent them a wedding invitation and for some reason that waylaid them? And then after the wedding they sent a gift: a super fancy jewelry box with a necklace that apparently belonged to John of England’s crown jewels. (K: Uh, okay?)
Anyway, Bella wants to go alone because Aro would be able to read everyone else’s thoughts about Renesmee, putting her in danger. Alice is trying to see the future in connection to this trip and shocker, it’s hazy for whatever contrivance magic reasons. Still, Bella’s going, and Carlisle is going with her as far as London.
As we ramble on in this chapter (seriously, it’s told in the weirdest way. First she was thinking about mythology, she’s talking about Renesmee growing up, she rambles about some past arguments, talks about future plans… is she high?), Jacob, Bella and R are out hunting. Renesmee hates animal blood, so they have to trick her into wanting it by having Jacob there. While Bella is careful to mention that Renesmee knows killing people is wrong, she’s also still all about that stolen blood life. She calls it “donated blood” but the point is that it wasn’t donated TO YOU, Bella.
K: Honestly, this whole thing just reminds me of all those times in Buffy and Angel when vampires broke into the blood bank…
Mari: Bella and Jacob are arguing because he wants to go with them to Brazil to research stuff. They are momentarily distracted by “Nessie” jumping 15 feet in the air to catch a snowflake. Jacob tells her to stop stalling and get hunting.
“She bounded back to Jacob; he held his arms out at exactly the moment she leaped into them. They had the move perfectly synchronized.”
Everything they do is tainted by pedo-tones. (K: *gags repeatedly*)
Renesmee violates Jacobs mind, or whatever, to presumably tell him that she’s not thirsty. Jacob manipulates her into wanting to drink animals by challenging her to catching a bigger elk than he can. She jumps out of his arms and bounds towards the forest. Jacob rips his shirt off and follows after her because PEDO-TONES ARE REAL. (A: I feel siiiiiick.)
Bella hangs back and starts scanning the area of danger. She says she just does this automatically but then she takes it back and says maybe she sensed something before she knew she sensed it. Whatever you say, Bell-bell. In the distance, Bell catches a glimpse of something and quickly spots a woman she identifies as a vampire. It’s one she’s never seen before, but she figures this is Irina of the Alaskan vamp crew. Bella is about to wave, but Irina gives her an EW face. Turns out, Irina was probably watching the mommy, werewolf and me sesh, which is bad news. I guess a werewolf killed Laurent and Irina would be pissed about that? IDK. Memory loss.
K: And it only took FIVE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SIX PAGES for the plot to turn up are you freaking kidding me right now.
Catherine: How do we know this girl wasn’t just grossed out by the grown man dating a baby?
Mari: It seems highly likely.
Irina runs off and Bella immediately runs to her baby. She whips out her cell phone, calls Edward and fills him in. Carlisle and Edward appear in half a second and apparently, Jacob ESPed some help over as well. Bella points in the direction Irina took off and says they might want to call for more back-up because Irina growled at her. Edward is shocked- SHOCKED!- and he leaves with Carlisle to go after Irina.
Bella, Renesmee and the wolves run back home. Renesmee is extra happy because she didn’t have to drink the animal blood and will get cool stolen blood at home.
We gotta make it to the end, guys.
Next time on Breaking Dawn: Irina is a snitch in chapter 28.