Previously: Irina growled at Bella.
—
K: In typical Stephenie Meyer fashion, we pick up EXACTLY WHERE WE LEFT OFF.
Edward and Carlisle can’t find Irina. They ring Tanya to let her know, and she’s super bummed because she and Kate haven’t seen Irina since they decided to come to Edward and Bella’s wedding. So… in like three or four months?? The way it’s written makes it sound like ACTUAL YEARS HAVE PASSED. But no.
Marines: I feel that, though. I mean, sure, actual years HAVE passed since we started this mess, but it feels like… actual more years. Decades, even.
Annie: Decades, for sure, Mari. I’ve aged into a jaded, angry 75-year old since we started these books.
K: Same.
Anyway. Alice does her usual magic trick but everything’s too vague to see where Irina’s going. Of course.
Catherine: God forbid that thing ever actually works the way it was intended to.
K: Bella tells us that she’s leaving for Italy in three days and that after she’s all “Heeeeey, Volturi! I’m a vampire now, seeeeee??”, she and Edward are going to South America to go ask the Ticuna about their legends. “If we dead-ended with the Ticunas, there were many closely related tribes in the area to research.” Awesome, Steph. Because you haven’t been gross enough about indigenous cultures already.
Apparently Jacob is going on this Grand South American Adventure too because “it was unlikely that the people who believed in vampires would speak to any of us about their stories.” Like…I get what SMeyer is trying to say here, but it just comes across as very “Talking to brown people is too much like hard work. Let’s get the brown person to do it for us.” You know?
She doesn’t know how to tell Charlie about the trip and spends a full paragraph pointlessly staring at her stupidly named child before telling us that Jasper and Emmett can’t wait to eat foreign food. Like jaguars and anacondas. Cool. So worth wasting a paragraph on.
Catherine: Both animals that are technically on the endangered species list btw. So the ‘vegetarians’ are now killing endangered animals. SMOOTH MOVE, GUYS.
K: Pfff, who cares about the endangered list?! They’re delicious.
Alice wanders around the room for three paragraphs and then drops a vase, which smashes into a trillion pieces. Once Bella realises that it’s not a joke(??), we’re treated to this wonderful sentence: “Looking into her eyes was like looking out of a grave from the inside; I was buried in the terror and despair and agony of her gaze.” Um. Whut.
Mari: IDK, it lost me at how looking into something was like looking out of something.
Annie: Meyer’s books would be an awesome case study for how to write terribly. Like, I don’t understand where you’re going with any of this. Stop padding your word count. Write clearly PLEASE.
K: Just imagine how many more trees would still be alive if she hadn’t padded her word counts! Wait, don’t. It’s too painful.
Edward gasps because his magic mind reading powers mean he already knows what the fuck is going on.
After nearly half a page of pointless teeth-bearing and shaking Alice, Edward and Alice inform us in perfect unison that “They’re coming for us.” ALL OF THEM. Bella remembers her pre-vamp dreams and wants to hide Renesmee forever.
In case you hadn’t joined the dots yet, Alice moans that it’s the Volturi. And they’ll be in Forks in about a month. She says that they’re all coming, even “the wives.” Jasper’s all “Whaaaaa??” because apparently the Volturi ladies NEVER LEAVE THE TOWER EVER BECAUSE THEY’RE OPPRESSED BY THEIR VAMPIRE HUSBANDS. But Edward insists they’re coming now.
Catherine: It’s 2017 why don’t we have feminism for the Volturi ladies yet?
K: Because this book is set in the 90s, DUH.
Carlisle’s all “But we haven’t done anything!” and there’s some pooping around (to quote everyone’s favourite cinnamon roll, Lin-Manuel Miranda) while they all say “Whatever have we done to incur the wrath of the king vampires?” Bella knows that Renesmee’s the reason, but doesn’t say anything?? (M: PLOT.)
Alice is freaked because she wasn’t even looking for the Volturi, she was looking for Irina. She says it’s like the Volturi had already decided to come and they’re just waiting on Irina to give them a reason. “What would Irina tell the Volturi that would result in Alice’s appalling vision?” Bella wonders. This is such a waste of paper, you guys. You literally just told us that you know Renesmee’s the reason they’re coming. HMM, I WONDER WHAT IRINA WILL TELL THEM ABOUT.
Mari: And this is with her improved vampire brain…
K: Half a page later, Bella’s all “OH NO, IRINA SAW RENESMEE.” And she’s obviously going to tell the Volturi that the Cullens made a forbidden vampire child. NO SHIT, BELLA. We then get a whole paragraph of “she didn’t get close enough to hear Renesmee’s heartbeat or feel her rosy cheeks“. I give zero fucks. This chapter is a waste of time.
Annie: You misspelled book.
K: MY BAD.
Bella insists that it’s different, but Edward tells her that the Volturi won’t give a shit. They make their decisions based on what Aro sees in people’s heads. That… seems like a terrible way of making decisions?
Anyway. Bella asks what they can do, and Emmett says they should fight. Jasper insists that they can’t win. Emmett says there’s no point in running, “Not with Demetri around.” Should I remember who Demetri is? I’m guessing he’s the Volturi equivalent of The Flash or something?? Whatever.
Mari: Honey, no one around here would ever expect you to know who Demetri is.
Catherine: I Googled it because I didn’t remember either. According to the Twilight Wiki, Demetri can track people through “the tenors of their minds.” How dare you not remember that you filthy casuals.
K: Sorry not sorry.
Emmett says they don’t have to fight alone, and Bella snaps “We don’t have to sentence the Quileutes to death, either, Emmett!”
1. Those commas are really awkward.
2. Would “the Pack” or “the wolves” not have been a better choice, Steph? This implies that the Volturi are going to massacre an entire indigenous community…
3. How about we don’t ever talk about sentencing indigenous people to death? Kthxbai.
Mari: Damn, haven’t the wolves bested or at least held their own against vampires enough now? Can’t we end this GASP BUT THEY AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH?
K: Pff, NO. There’s still like 200 pages left hahahaha this is fine.
Emmett insists that he wasn’t talking about the pack. He was just talking about their “other friends“, but also he’s pretty sure that Jacob and Sam will want to fight anyway. Carlisle says they can’t sentence their other friends to death either, but Emmett says they don’t need to fight. They just need to stand there long enough to weird out the Volturi. Uh. This sounds like a terrible plan, Emmett. I don’t think “Our army is slightly bigger than you thought it was” is a very compelling argument…
Catherine: Especially when the Volturi have spent hundreds of years amassing and army that was the cream of the crop of vampires. So their vamps all have superpowers that the Cullens don’t even fully know. They might have a Hulk. You don’t know.
K: I’m sure they don’t. A Hulk would actually be interesting.
Esme says excitedly that all they need to do is make the Volturi pause for long enough to actually listen, and that their friends can be witnesses. Alice starts rattling off the names of vampires we’ve never heard of before and who are basically irrelevant to the plot. She says they’ll need to split up and work fast to gather up whoever they can. Then she cracks the sads because Jacob’s nearly arrived so she can’t see a damned thing. She and Jasper head upstairs to get away from Renesmee and Jacob.
Jacob bursts in and asks what’s happened. He immediately thinks something’s wrong with Renesmee – who’s slept through all of this, I should add – and Bella whispers melodramatically that it’s over and “We’ve all been sentenced to die.”
And with that, this torturous, pointless chapter is over.
Mari: Pointless, and still the most plot we’ve had in… years.
Annie: In decades.
K: Centuries, perhaps.
Next time on Breaking Dawn: Everyone stares at each other in worry for hours in Chapter 29.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.