Breaking Dawn Chapter 29 – Staring contest

Previously: The Volturi, ruh-roh!

Marines: Bella tells us that they just sat up all night, being worried. We can all at least thank all that is good that we didn’t have to read that part. We are all just supposed to believe that this is the worst possible thing that could happen, but since there’s been no plot and no tension leading up to this point, years in the making (for us and for whoever read it real time), NO ONE BUYS IT.

It wasn’t until the sun rose and I knew that Renesmee would soon be stirring under my hands that I wondered for the first time what could possibly be taking Alice so long.”

Um, why is Renesmee UNDER Bella’s hands? Baby strangler. (A: Legit concerned about her parenting skills.) (K: Uh. Same…)

On and on we go about what bad news this is. Bella’s face is frozen and she can’t smile anymore. Jacob is snoring because he’s the only one sleeping. I’m just going to assume this was another ~*clever*~ way Meyer thought she was showing us their connection. They sleep together, see?

K: I also feel the need to point out that Jacob is in wolf form right now. No explanation for this is given. Other than that Meyer decided it was easier than writing dialogue??

Mari: Probably!

The other wolves are preparing for the showdown, not that Bella thinks that’s going to help since everyone is going to die. And if this couldn’t get more depressing or more creepy:

The sunlight broke through the back windows, sparkling on Edward’s skin. My eyes had not moved from his since Alice’s departure. We’d stared at each other all night, staring at what neither of us could live through losing: the other. 

 YOU BOTH ARE THE CREEPIEST AND THIS IS WEIRD.

They spent the ENTIRE night staring at each other, what in Jesus’ name.

Annie: Seriously. Try staring someone in the eye for longer than 60 seconds. Even someone you looooooove. It gets awkward as hell. What even is wrong with these two. 

K: It takes like 20 seconds of a staring contest with my niece for the giggles to start. And yet these two apparently managed to stare at each other for like 6 straight hours without making a peep. That’s fucking weird and more than a little disturbing.

Mari: Finally, Edward speaks. We get like 10 lines about how him finally speaking makes everyone melt and splinter and fracture and soften and crack, so that they all stop sitting around not saying anything? And now everyone is worrying out loud again? About Alice who is still missing, doing vision things I guess, and the Volturi. And now they are all super worried that maybe the Volturi have got Alice?

It’s all a real big leap of sudden worry, considering that they just spent the night staring at each other and not talking. But okay. Emmett cusses so loud, he wakes Jacob, who immediately starts growling. All the vampires run off to find Alice, and Bella yells for Jacob to stay with Renesmee.

As they run, Emmett asks if this might be a trap they are running into. Everyone is like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and keeps running. Esme sniffs out another trail, but she’s shot down by the menses and they keep running some more, right up until they hit the werewolf treaty line. Sam is there waiting for them with an explanation: Alice and Jasper came last night and asked permission to cross their lands. Sam granted it and escorted them to the ocean and then they disappeared.

K: …….they literally swam away? I CAN’T BREATHE, YOU GUYS. This really is the most ridiculous shit. Like, y’all have a gazillion dollars and a shit ton of free time, and it never occurred to any of you to, oh I don’t know, BUY A PRIVATE PLANE AND GET A PILOT’S LICENCE SO THAT YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO *SWIM* TO ALASKA????

Mari: IDK, still better than the time Edward ran to Alaska with a car on his back.

Alice asked Sam to talk to the vampires before he told Jacob anything. Sam hands over a note that Alice left.

Bella recognizes the paper as the title page The Merchant of Venice and it smells like her, so she knows this is from her own copy. The note is all about how Alice and Jasper have decided to run away and the Cullens shouldn’t look for them as there is no time to lose. Alice suggests that they seek help from the other nomad vampires.

Sam can’t believe that Alice ran away from her family. Edward gets defensive and says that werewolf families and vampire families are different. Vampires have free will. Carlisle tells Sam not to get his family killed, but Sam won’t run away from this fight. Renesmee is part of their family now, too. Jacob won’t leave his child bride and the pack won’t leave Jacob so. Edward is still pissy that Sam is judging Alice, but Carlisle says they have no time. They have to start preparing.

Bella spends another page being shocked! that Alice would leave, but then she figures that Alice and Jasper were always the adopted ones vs. all the venom sharing that made the others brother-sister-husband-wives, or whatever. Emmett growls that he’s not going down without a fight. Everyone looks determined, but Bell-waaah thinks they are all going to die. (K: FINGERS CROSSED!!!)

On the way back, Esme mentions that other path she sniffed out earlier, and again she’s shot down by Edward. Bella wants to follow it, though, thinking about how the note was on a page from her book. Edward can’t let her do things alone, obviously, so he comes with her while the rest keep running home.

I get a little lost in the action because, as much as we’ve been clamoring for plot, Stephenie isn’t actually good at writing action. Shocker, I know. I guess the point is that the second trail leads back to the love shack. Bella feels nervous, so she’s glad Edward is there, but then she’s sure that she’s supposed to find whatever Alice has left for her there alone. She tells Edward to give her 30 seconds and runs into the love shack alone.

She grabs The Merchant of Venice and finds another note from Alice. It’s an address in Seattle and the instructions to destroy the book. By the time Edward comes into the love shack, Bella is watching the book burn. Bella explains that Alice was here because she used a page from her book to write the note. Edward wonders why and also asks why Bella would be burning the book. Bella figures that Alice went through all this to keep her message a secret from Edward, as he can’t read Bella’s mind. So, she doesn’t tell him anything. She just says burning the book seemed appropriate. Edward accepts this “explanation” for some reason.

Annie: 

K: So much contrivance, so much artificial tension, so many pages still to go ohgod send help.

Mari: Bella tells Edward about how Alice lied to Jasper at some point in this plot-less mess to save his life. She uses this as proof that Alice has her priorities. Edward doesn’t totally buy that, thinking that maybe Alice had a flash of Jasper in danger and that’s why she left. Bella says either way, it’s time for them to get back home.

The Cullens are already packed and ready to go find other vampires. Edward mind-reads that he and Bella are going to stay. The Cullens are going to send vamps their way to come and check out Renesmee. Like show and tell, but the worst version of that. Next, Stephenie describes how each character says goodbye (hugs, forehead kisses, shoulder punches, grimaces, are. we. done. yet). (A: Spoilers: NOPE. Not. even. close.)

The Cullens leave and Bell-bell wishes she could be alone with a computer to try and figure out who J. Jenks is, which I guess is the name that Alice left her. Renesmee mind-asks Jacob something, and his response clues Bella into the fact that Renesmee knows what’s going on.

So she knew. Renesmee already understood only too clearly what was going on. The whole imprinted-werewolf-gives-the-object-of-his-imprinting-whatever-she-wants thing was getting pretty old fast. Wasn’t shielding her more important than answering her questions?”

YES. IT IS GETTING OLD FASTER THAN YOUR WEIRD DEMON SPAWN.

Renesmee mind-asks Jacob more questions and he explains that they are sticking around here so people can come visit her. She asks him if he’s going anywhere. He doesn’t think so, but then Edward is giving him poo poo face. Edward explains that it’ll be better for Renesmee if a werewolf isn’t around while the vampires are visiting. Edward knows how hard it is for Jacob to be away from his child bride, but tells him to just stay far enough away from the main house. Tanya is coming in the morning, and she’s already met the wolves, so he can at least stick around for that.

K: Oh, cool. So the rest of the vampires are going to bring even more racism with them than we’ve already got? GREAT. LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT.

Mari: While the boys are talking, Bella does some stealth-Googling. She finds a Jason Jenks in Seattle who is a lawyer. The address Alice left her in Seattle doesn’t pull up anything. She doesn’t dare spend more time looking anything up so she just stops and deletes the history. Renesmee (smelling strongly of werewolf WHY is Meyer LIKE THIS) comes over to mind-show Bella the faces of every single person she’s ever met, apparently, and that’s her “worrying.” Renesmee ends with a mind-picture of Alice. Bella explains that Alice is off doing the right thing, though internally she adds “for herself.” Renesmee sighs.

Bella goes through a weird face contortion/hitching breath thing that is apparently how vampires cry? So she’s breath-choking crying and then Renesmee’s “eyes glistened wetly.” GLISTENED WETLY. Poetic. The demon spawn starts to cry and Bella comforts her and tells us again about how determined she is to make sure her child is not murdered.

K: Shame, really. Murder might actually make this book half way resemble something vaguely worth reading.

 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: Baby vampire show and tell in Chapter 30.

 

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Annie (all posts)

I'm a radio broadcast grad, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, and Toronto Raptors fan. Former graveyard-shift radio host and communications manager to the non-profit stars, now a freelance writer and communications advisor. I hate spoilers and weak tea.





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  • Alicia

    I am also concerned about Bella’s parenting skills. She never took a parenting class, nor bothered to even look up tips online. I guess she thought that it would all come to her after the kid was born? I think she kind of used the kid as a crutch, because she wanted to become a vampire so bad but knew that it likely wouldn’t happen for a while unless she was near-death. So she realized that her life was in danger by giving birth to the kid, and was probably like “Oh well, if I die they’ll just bring me back as a vampire! Troll-lol” I think that was part of her “I don’t care that the baby is killing me” attitude. Anyway, she probably thought that being a good mommy was going to come naturally. But the kid is now under her hands, so uh, what does that even mean?

    Well, they’re vampires, I guess. Vampires don’t do normal human stuff like, fidget or move or blink. So I suppose it wouldn’t be out of the question for them to sit there staring at each other all night long. It’s still creepy as fuck though. And a very weird-ass way to word that sentence. I just found the sentence grammatically awkward.

    Alice and Jasper going up to the wolves to ask permission to cross onto their land before swimming away makes 0 sense. They like to brag about their wealth, they can literally buy a plane ticket anywhere, anytime. Remember the time that Alice bought Bella a literal last-minute plane ticket to Italy to save Edward, before Bella even knew she was going? Yet Alice couldn’t find the time to get herself and Jasper tickets to run away to where the fuck ever? Yeah, right. Also, how come Edward couldn’t read Alice’s mind to see where she had planned to be going? Did she hide it from him somehow? -shrug-

    “Charlisle says they have no time to be pissy with each other, they have to start preparing”. That line would be more believable if the Volturri were actually coming in 2 days, instead of a month.

    Bella basically calls her daughter an object of Jacob’s desires. EW. Gross. Meyer claims that there’s no bestiality in her books. But Jacob and Renesmee are going to bang? Plus the whole werewolf-imprinting on itself is basically bestiality since the werewolf imprints on an unaware human. So what is that lie Meyer, huh? Is there no bestality just because it’s not graphically described? But it’s definitely present.

    Also, Meyer never has Leah imprint on someone. So it’s only the male werewolves who imprint? Is Leah the only female wolf ever? I still have questions Meyer, all these years later.

    • Jasmin Bell

      “My eyes had not moved from his since Alice’s departure. We’d stared at each other all night, staring at what neither of us could live through losing: the other.”

      I think that line pretty much proves your point about the baby basically being her excuse to get turned because Renesemee clearly isn’t her highest priority. She literally leaves that to Jacob which is gross on many many levels.

  • snickerdoodles

    wow. meyerpires, steffy’s super strong, super fast, super seeing, super duper everything, are totally useless in a crises. belladumma and eddiepoo just stared at each other all night? they are afraid for their daughter’s life, so instead of getting her to safety, they just stare at each other all night. they have all the money on the planet, yet alice and jasper are going to walk/swim to alaska. or wherever they are going. meyer cant write two paragraphs without commenting on the cullen’s wealth, yet no one gets a plane ticket? as for them packing and ready to leave to find the other vamps, is steff really telling us that no one else has a phone?

    alice left bella the name of a lawyer who has no address??

    edwina gets his sparkles in a twist when sam comments on alice runnin off, and edwina says vampire families are different. they have free will. they should drop the free will and get a brain. i guess they were just staring at each other all those years they spent going to high school and college, because they have to be the stupidest creatures on earth.

    • SilverArrows

      >>vampire families are different. they have free will.

      Just another thing those stupid brown people don’t have, amirite?

      >>guess they were just staring at each other all those years they spent going to high school and college

      Did you watch the Honest Trailers for the series? I think that may be what actually happened!

      • snickerdoodles

        i haven’t watched the honest trailers for twilight, but i am going to you tube right now!

        • SilverArrows

          Check out the bad lip reading of it as well if you haven’t. Sure makes a lot more sense than the canon. Especially Jacob’s hot potato song! So damn catchy!

    • Jasmin Bell

      “My eyes had not moved from his since Alice’s departure. We’d stared at each other all night, staring at what neither of us could live through losing: the other.”

      By that line I’m not so sure they were actually worried about their child’s safety which would only slightly explain their lack of solutions. The real question is why didn’t they just dump the kid in Italy and call it a day since they obviously don’t really care about her.

  • Regina

    Jacob and Renesmee are both sleeping because they’re the only people in that house who need to sleep. WHAT A BOND.

  • Mae

    So they just sat up fretting? And staring, mustn’t forget that. I guess no one thought to strategize or even GTFO. I know Meyer already killed the tension by stating it will take the Volturi a month to get there, but then she killed it some more by having them not do anything about it.

    “My eyes had not moved from his since Alice’s departure. We’d stared at each other all night, staring at what neither of us could live through losing: the other.”
    So, their reaction to impending death is to turn into Creepy Subway Guy? Also, this further proves where Renesmee falls on mommy’s hierarchy. Sure, the Volturi want to kill the only child she’ll ever have, but meh. Just don’t take my man! I won’t survive being single!

    “they literally swam away?”
    They are made of a marble-esque stone and they can swim without sinking? I will never get over that.

    “Like show and tell, but the worst version of that.”
    That is the best, most concise description of what is about to take place.

    • Jasmin Bell

      “My eyes had not moved from his since Alice’s departure. We’d stared at each other all night, staring at what neither of us could live through losing: the other.”

      THEN WHAT DID THEY SPEND ALL NIGHT FRETTING ABOUT? If your kid is that far down on your priority list then they had nothing to worry about.

  • BT Light

    Can someone explain to me why it has to look like Alice and Jasper ran away? Why all the secrecy? I’m really confused and I’ve even seen the movies, so I know what they really did. But why not just say that? Is it for suspense??

    • whiteraven13

      I think the idea is that they can’t tell anyone but Bella what they’re up to because otherwise Aro would be able to use his mind-reading powers to find out what they’re up to? Except Aro’s powers are completely touch-based, so all they’d have to do is not touch him and that shouldn’t be a problem??

    • SilverArrows

      If you’re trying to understand this series, then you’re fighting a losing battle, friend.

  • SilverArrows

    >>Esme sniffs out another trail, but she’s shot down by the menses.

    You guys. YOU GUYS.

    XD

  • Blinvy .

    Volturi are probs coming in a month and we’re really scared so we stared at each other all night and did nothing.
    Guys this is soooo suspenseful! Are they going to have time to stare at each other some more before the Volturi come? The NEED to stare at each other some more or it won’t be intense enough!

  • Jasmin Bell

    They spent the ENTIRE night staring at each other, what in Jesus’ name.

    This is what that made me think of:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fe8ad99fbbaa7b041b4c05f2dcb0d4629ed4c065621190aac238a456f07e1393.gif https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1e312e2334af921148daa2fdb2c3909f6b5db797d1a1832c2fa778f3175a0ef6.gif https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c9b97ebe51b73e4476dec77376c98957cd6281401cb2f34267bcc0affbbaa5f7.gif

    And yes it gets creepy even if you know it a comedian and apart of his act, so I have no clue how “twue wuvs” can spend all night staring at each other. However it is Bella and Edward and they’ve been creepy since day one.