Previously: The Volturi, ruh-roh!
Marines: Bella tells us that they just sat up all night, being worried. We can all at least thank all that is good that we didn’t have to read that part. We are all just supposed to believe that this is the worst possible thing that could happen, but since there’s been no plot and no tension leading up to this point, years in the making (for us and for whoever read it real time), NO ONE BUYS IT.
“It wasn’t until the sun rose and I knew that Renesmee would soon be stirring under my hands that I wondered for the first time what could possibly be taking Alice so long.”
Um, why is Renesmee UNDER Bella’s hands? Baby strangler. (A: Legit concerned about her parenting skills.) (K: Uh. Same…)
On and on we go about what bad news this is. Bella’s face is frozen and she can’t smile anymore. Jacob is snoring because he’s the only one sleeping. I’m just going to assume this was another ~*clever*~ way Meyer thought she was showing us their connection. They sleep together, see?
K: I also feel the need to point out that Jacob is in wolf form right now. No explanation for this is given. Other than that Meyer decided it was easier than writing dialogue??
The other wolves are preparing for the showdown, not that Bella thinks that’s going to help since everyone is going to die. And if this couldn’t get more depressing or more creepy:
“The sunlight broke through the back windows, sparkling on Edward’s skin. My eyes had not moved from his since Alice’s departure. We’d stared at each other all night, staring at what neither of us could live through losing: the other.
YOU BOTH ARE THE CREEPIEST AND THIS IS WEIRD.
They spent the ENTIRE night staring at each other, what in Jesus’ name.
Annie: Seriously. Try staring someone in the eye for longer than 60 seconds. Even someone you looooooove. It gets awkward as hell. What even is wrong with these two.
K: It takes like 20 seconds of a staring contest with my niece for the giggles to start. And yet these two apparently managed to stare at each other for like 6 straight hours without making a peep. That’s fucking weird and more than a little disturbing.
Mari: Finally, Edward speaks. We get like 10 lines about how him finally speaking makes everyone melt and splinter and fracture and soften and crack, so that they all stop sitting around not saying anything? And now everyone is worrying out loud again? About Alice who is still missing, doing vision things I guess, and the Volturi. And now they are all super worried that maybe the Volturi have got Alice?
It’s all a real big leap of sudden worry, considering that they just spent the night staring at each other and not talking. But okay. Emmett cusses so loud, he wakes Jacob, who immediately starts growling. All the vampires run off to find Alice, and Bella yells for Jacob to stay with Renesmee.
As they run, Emmett asks if this might be a trap they are running into. Everyone is like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and keeps running. Esme sniffs out another trail, but she’s shot down by the menses and they keep running some more, right up until they hit the werewolf treaty line. Sam is there waiting for them with an explanation: Alice and Jasper came last night and asked permission to cross their lands. Sam granted it and escorted them to the ocean and then they disappeared.
K: …….they literally swam away? I CAN’T BREATHE, YOU GUYS. This really is the most ridiculous shit. Like, y’all have a gazillion dollars and a shit ton of free time, and it never occurred to any of you to, oh I don’t know, BUY A PRIVATE PLANE AND GET A PILOT’S LICENCE SO THAT YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO *SWIM* TO ALASKA????
Mari: IDK, still better than the time Edward ran to Alaska with a car on his back.
Alice asked Sam to talk to the vampires before he told Jacob anything. Sam hands over a note that Alice left.
Bella recognizes the paper as the title page The Merchant of Venice and it smells like her, so she knows this is from her own copy. The note is all about how Alice and Jasper have decided to run away and the Cullens shouldn’t look for them as there is no time to lose. Alice suggests that they seek help from the other nomad vampires.
Sam can’t believe that Alice ran away from her family. Edward gets defensive and says that werewolf families and vampire families are different. Vampires have free will. Carlisle tells Sam not to get his family killed, but Sam won’t run away from this fight. Renesmee is part of their family now, too. Jacob won’t leave his child bride and the pack won’t leave Jacob so. Edward is still pissy that Sam is judging Alice, but Carlisle says they have no time. They have to start preparing.
Bella spends another page being shocked! that Alice would leave, but then she figures that Alice and Jasper were always the adopted ones vs. all the venom sharing that made the others brother-sister-husband-wives, or whatever. Emmett growls that he’s not going down without a fight. Everyone looks determined, but Bell-waaah thinks they are all going to die. (K: FINGERS CROSSED!!!)
On the way back, Esme mentions that other path she sniffed out earlier, and again she’s shot down by Edward. Bella wants to follow it, though, thinking about how the note was on a page from her book. Edward can’t let her do things alone, obviously, so he comes with her while the rest keep running home.
I get a little lost in the action because, as much as we’ve been clamoring for plot, Stephenie isn’t actually good at writing action. Shocker, I know. I guess the point is that the second trail leads back to the love shack. Bella feels nervous, so she’s glad Edward is there, but then she’s sure that she’s supposed to find whatever Alice has left for her there alone. She tells Edward to give her 30 seconds and runs into the love shack alone.
She grabs The Merchant of Venice and finds another note from Alice. It’s an address in Seattle and the instructions to destroy the book. By the time Edward comes into the love shack, Bella is watching the book burn. Bella explains that Alice was here because she used a page from her book to write the note. Edward wonders why and also asks why Bella would be burning the book. Bella figures that Alice went through all this to keep her message a secret from Edward, as he can’t read Bella’s mind. So, she doesn’t tell him anything. She just says burning the book seemed appropriate. Edward accepts this “explanation” for some reason.
Mari: Bella tells Edward about how Alice lied to Jasper at some point in this plot-less mess to save his life. She uses this as proof that Alice has her priorities. Edward doesn’t totally buy that, thinking that maybe Alice had a flash of Jasper in danger and that’s why she left. Bella says either way, it’s time for them to get back home.
The Cullens are already packed and ready to go find other vampires. Edward mind-reads that he and Bella are going to stay. The Cullens are going to send vamps their way to come and check out Renesmee. Like show and tell, but the worst version of that. Next, Stephenie describes how each character says goodbye (hugs, forehead kisses, shoulder punches, grimaces, are. we. done. yet). (A: Spoilers: NOPE. Not. even. close.)
The Cullens leave and Bell-bell wishes she could be alone with a computer to try and figure out who J. Jenks is, which I guess is the name that Alice left her. Renesmee mind-asks Jacob something, and his response clues Bella into the fact that Renesmee knows what’s going on.
“So she knew. Renesmee already understood only too clearly what was going on. The whole imprinted-werewolf-gives-the-object-of-his-imprinting-whatever-she-wants thing was getting pretty old fast. Wasn’t shielding her more important than answering her questions?”
YES. IT IS GETTING OLD FASTER THAN YOUR WEIRD DEMON SPAWN.
Renesmee mind-asks Jacob more questions and he explains that they are sticking around here so people can come visit her. She asks him if he’s going anywhere. He doesn’t think so, but then Edward is giving him poo poo face. Edward explains that it’ll be better for Renesmee if a werewolf isn’t around while the vampires are visiting. Edward knows how hard it is for Jacob to be away from his child bride, but tells him to just stay far enough away from the main house. Tanya is coming in the morning, and she’s already met the wolves, so he can at least stick around for that.
K: Oh, cool. So the rest of the vampires are going to bring even more racism with them than we’ve already got? GREAT. LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT.
Mari: While the boys are talking, Bella does some stealth-Googling. She finds a Jason Jenks in Seattle who is a lawyer. The address Alice left her in Seattle doesn’t pull up anything. She doesn’t dare spend more time looking anything up so she just stops and deletes the history. Renesmee (smelling strongly of werewolf WHY is Meyer LIKE THIS) comes over to mind-show Bella the faces of every single person she’s ever met, apparently, and that’s her “worrying.” Renesmee ends with a mind-picture of Alice. Bella explains that Alice is off doing the right thing, though internally she adds “for herself.” Renesmee sighs.
Bella goes through a weird face contortion/hitching breath thing that is apparently how vampires cry? So she’s breath-choking crying and then Renesmee’s “eyes glistened wetly.” GLISTENED WETLY. Poetic. The demon spawn starts to cry and Bella comforts her and tells us again about how determined she is to make sure her child is not murdered.
K: Shame, really. Murder might actually make this book half way resemble something vaguely worth reading.
Next time on Breaking Dawn: Baby vampire show and tell in Chapter 30.