After Chapter 53 – Blow job prodigy.

Previously: Very intense decisions about bowling.

Marines: The bad news is that I think we’ve finally gotten to sex. The worse news is that it’s taken just about half this book to get here. The worst news is that I have to recap it. In order to get through it alive, I’ve included a bunch of polls below. Enjoy.

Hardin’s fingers trail farther up my skirt causing my breath to quicken. A smile creeps onto his beautiful face as he becomes aware.” 

1- A smile creeps onto his face? That is some creepy shit.

2- Becomes aware? I assume that she means he becomes aware of her breath quickening, but it mostly sounds like Hardin is some kind of AI that just became ~*aware*~. The tragic news is that Robot Hardin is not going to murder Tessa for humanity’s sins against non-humans or anything.

Samantha: Now that sounds like a book I would read and also explains why so much of this writing feels like aliens pretending to be humans. If anyone wants a much better book to read about a rogue AI, check out Illuminae by Jay Kristoff and Aimee Kaufman!


What is Hardin suddenly aware of?


Mari: They keep kissing and Hardin tries to slip his hand up Tessa’s skirt, but she stops him. “I just thought I would do something for you this time?” Tessa wants to look away in embarrassment, but Hardin makes her look at him. He asks what exactly she would like to do for him and she levels him with a YOU KNOW. Specifically a, “you know, what you said the other day?”

We stand by our rule at Snark HQ: if you can’t say penis, you probably shouldn’t put penis in your mouth. According to Tessa, though, “the words “blow job” are not in [her] vocabulary.” Because, sure, our virginal protagonist can put her mouth on a dick, but GOD FORBID she say the words aloud.

Samantha: As long as she doesn’t say the naughty thing out loud she remains pure and not a slut. You know who probably said “blow job” out loud once? That hussy, Kate Steph.

Mari: That’s what starts the official transformation into hussy, I think.

Hardin asks if she wants to suck his cock and he’s clearly surprised, even though she’s half-mentioned wanting to “do something for him” at least once before. Tessa says that she wants to if he wants her to. Hardin says he wants to if she wants to. OH MY GOD, DO EITHER OF YOU WANT TO? GET IT THE FUCK TOGETHER.

Are you sure, though? Have you ever… ever seen a dick before?”

1- She can’t even say dick, Hardin!

2- Maybe, maybe not, but is seeing one a prerequisite for her seeing yours now? Like, what’s your question?

Samantha: Like, maybe he’s afraid that she’s going to run screaming from the room? Or catch the vapors? Or maybe he has an alien penis and he wants to know if she has any frame of reference to catch him out!

Mari: Huh. Well, unluckily for his alien penis, Tessa says she’s totally seen one in pictures and one time walked in on a neighbor watching “a naughty movie.” (S: Um, what?) Hardin laughs at her and says he’s totally not laughing at her. He’s just laughing at her because he’s never met someone before with so little experience. I’m sure you have, Hardin, but it’s not like it comes up in conversation with every person you meet. (S: Literally all I could think.)

The awful news is that this talk of her innocence leads us to a “it’s so good because I’m the only person whose ever made you come, including yourself” place.

Tessa wants to get started, so Hardin stands and pulls his pants down. She pouts, because she wanted to do that, so he pulls them back up. Tessa walks over and pulls them back down. This is a regular thrill ride.

Hardin sits on the bed, and Tessa kneels in front of him, but she’s nervous. Hardin suggests they kiss for a bit, and she likes that idea. They kiss, electricity builds, and she kind of dry humps him for a second, which is apparently too much for Hardin, so he tells her to stop.

Emboldened by a second of kissing, I guess, Tessa gets ready for the blow job again. She takes off her jeans and shirt and then takes off Hardin’s boxers and– GASP.

What's the next line?


“I can feel my eyes widen and hear my own gasp as Hardin’s manhood comes into view. Wow, it’s big. Much bigger than I expected. How am I going to even get it into my mouth?”

I’m torn between “manhood” and “wow, it’s big” being my favorite parts of that reaction. It’s a close call. (S: Wow. Free truck.)

Tessa pokes at it with one finger (for real, I swear) and then asks Hardin what she should do first. Hardin directs her to wrap her hand around him. The he gives her these further, brilliant instructions: Now.. just put your mouth around it. Not all of it, well, if you can… but just put as much as you can.

And so, with those simple instruction, Tessa instantly turns into a blow job prodigy. She gets him almost all in her mouth, sucks a few times, and just like that Hardin is soooo close. She looks up at him and bats her eyelashes, and that’s the ticket. (S: I am so cringe.) Hardin comes, she swallows it down and even concedes that it doesn’t taste so bad! I’d say more about how laughable this all was, but I’m feeling #blessed that it literally lasted a paragraph thanks to Tessa being an instant dick sucking sensation.

Hardin asks how it was for her. She says it was nice! Kind of fun to see him lose control and it didn’t taste that bad. She asks how it was for him and he says:

What does Hardin say?



It was the best head he’s ever gotten!!!

Even Tessa is like HOKAY, but he swears it. For real. She’s just so PURE (actual word he uses) and it was the best. Hardin says it’s time for Tessa to feel good. He goes down on her but we kind of fade to black? I mean, she tells us she’s coming within a sentence and then we fade to black.

I don’t know why, though, because we pick back up after she comes? LOOK, I DON’T KNOW. DECISIONS WERE MADE. She’s tracing Hardin’s tattoos and he says that no one has ever touched him this way. Uh, why? I mean, I know because Hardin is kind of a Christian Grey character, but what’s Hardin’s no-touching excuse? Have I missed something?

Samantha: No one has ever cared for him the way Tessa can!

M: Ah. I see.

Hardin asks Tessa to spend the night with him, but she says no because she has classes tomorrow. Instead of respecting her decision, he begs and pleads and offers to make sure she’s on time to classes and even has time to meet Landon for coffee in the morning. She’s surprised he knows she does that.

How does Hardin know what Tessa does all day long?



He watches her but “not all the time.” Tessa, unsurprisingly, finds this flattering. Tess agrees to stay the night, but on the condition that he comes back to Literature class. Hardin easily agrees and they keep canoodling.

Samantha: Can you drop out and then not drop out of classes? It was a whole thing at my college so this feels fishy.

Mari: And that’s it?

I mean, sure there was a blowy, but it lasted a paragraph and I was expecting penetration? Like… not that I’m not happy guys but like… is there even sex in this book???

Is there even sex in this book????


Next time on After: Separate showers in Chapter 54.


Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.

Samantha (all posts)

I'm a 25 year old graduated English major I can often be found singing too loudly (poorly) in the car or spending some time (hours) on Tumblr. I am a lover of Harry Potter, the Spice Girls, and too many other things.

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  • David Sagneri

    Haven’t read this yet. Already hate it. We honor your recap sacrifice. Wasn’t mean spirited dimbulb Anastasia also a blowjob prodigy?

  • The Bad Slayer

    Ahhh! Welcome back and thank you so much ladies! I laughed out loud (for realz) a few times. Wow. Free truck. Brought me back to a simpler time.

    While I’m sure that two-faced bitch Steph has said dick a time or two, it’s that prostitution-whorah Molly that really throws around words like “cock sucking”. I miss Molly. More Molly please.

    I also can’t wait for the reveal of Hardin’s childhood trauma! Anna Todd really upped the game!

    Finally, I often say, if you can’t say it, you shouldn’t do it. I’m not saying one needs to be vulgar and run around screaming dick sucker, but if ine can’t even say fallatio than one need not perform it.

  • Alicia

    When you said the bad news is that you think you’ve finally gotten to the sex, I have to say, nope, not quite. I won’t tell you exactly what chapter it happens in, but it’s somewhere in the 80s. You still got a ways to go.

    I would hate to be the people who narrate this BS for the audiotape. Like, ugh. It’s written so immaturely that I don’t know how it managed to get so fucking famous. Oh, wait, Writing immaturely IS the requirement to getting famous, now. Especially on sites like Wattpad. I know if I was paid to narrate this crap (and I’d have to be paid a lot), I don’t think I would make it through the first half of the book without having to re-take 500 times cause I’d be laughing so hard.

    If Tessa can’t even think of saying the word “penis” or “dick” without it making her feel dirty, why the hell she even want to put one in her mouth? I don’t think Hardin cares how immature she is, he just wants some action, and of course he wants to be her first in everything cause that’s how true love works, that’s how the innocent virgins change the bad boy, yada yada. I don’t think Tessa ever internally says penis or dick through the whole series. Because that might ruin her innocence. My ex once forced me to buy condoms because he said that if I can’t buy condoms, what am I doing having sex? Well, I got over the awkwardness of buying condoms pretty fast. He might have been an abusive dick himself, for other reasons, but I guess it worked.

    Also, Tessa seems like a rude person just as much as Hardin. Who the fuck just walks in on their neighbour watching a naughty movie? Is she like the Kool-aid man, just bursting into places without knocking? Also, I would think if that would happen especially when she was younger, it would traumatize her a little, right? But she just casually talks about it. If she can talk about that, why can’t she fucking say the word penis or dick?

    Yep, Hardin’s definitely met (and probably fucked) people with such little experience before, with all the people he supposedly knows, since he’s so popular with the ladies. Just that he doesn’t stick around with them to talk about their sex lives, plus that doesn’t just come up in conversaton. I’m not just gonna tell every person I talk to about how innocent I am.

    I can’t stand that whole “you’re so innocent that I’m the only one who’s ever made you come and it’s going to stay that way because true love” BS. Not only is it an unhealthy image to portray to girls who read this crap, it’s just annoying and wrong. It’s basically saying it can only be true love if the guy is the only person who’s been sexual with you. Anna Todd claims she’s all for strong, empowered women, but she’s written the weakest female character of all time. Oh, and she’s friends with EL James and is a fan of 50 Shades without seeing the abuse behind it. Says a lot about her.

    I also thought that Tessa gasping when she first sees a dick close up was really weird. I guess we’re meant to picture here that Hardin has a foot-long? She doesn’t say approximate inches, ever, so we’ll never know. Just that it’s big. Okay, then. Anna Todd likes big dicks. Got it.

    When Hardin tells her to put as much of his dick in her mouth as she can, we know instantly that she’s going to get it all in her mouth. Despite never having done a blow job before. Despite not being able to say the words ‘penis’ or ‘dick’. Despite not even seeing a dick up close before. Despite Hardin having to give her stupid instructions. She’s an instant pro at it. And her innocence makes Hardin so turned on that of course, it’s TEH BEST blow job he’s EVER gotten. Of course, her instantly swallowing without even a single gag just makes those girls who can’t swallow semen feel bad about ourselves.

    I guess since she’s now a blow job master, she’s no longer pure, eh, Hardin? So…shut it with the “pure” and “innocent” shit cause I’m no longer buying it. Not that I have bought it since she started cheating on her long-term boyfriend with you and was still being referred to as pure and innocent, but whatever.

    I guess Hardin referring to never being touched this way before means that all the previous girls he fucked were hoes and just…didn’t touch him on his chest? Because no other girl can love him the way Tessa can? Right.

    And yeah, again the fact that Hardin knew about Tessa’s morning meetings with Landon is not something that she should find flattering, but of course she does because it’s Tessa we’re talking about. Also, we’re meant to think it’s cute and romantic that he stalks Tessa because he’s never found a girl so interesting that he bothered to stalk them before.

    Also, I’m pretty sure that once you drop out of a class in college, you can’t come back. You can’t just drop out then drop back in. Anna Todd clearly can’t bother including any sort of realism in here.

    • Mae

      I always find it funny that the most virgin-est of virgins thinks the first dick they see is huge and the book confirms this for them. Reminds me of the first guy I was ever naked with. I thought he had a big dick. I’d later learn, he was just average. So that’s my headcanon for Hardin and Christian Grey. Just boring old garden variety penis.

      I can confirm that at least at my university, once we filled out the paperwork to drop a course, we couldn’t just show back up in class and expect it to count. All Anna Todd would have had to do is read a FAQ on the university’s registrar page to find out if this is true at her totally-made-up-not-based-on-anything college.

      • The Bad Slayer

        Headcannon, accepted.

      • Alicia

        Yeah that makes sense. If Hardin is really that big how can a virgin fit him all in her mouth without having any practice on someone smaller? So yours makes more sense lol.

        Well she didn’t graduate college in real life but for the brief time she spent there you would think she would have picked up on how things are really run?

      • Alicia

        And another thing, I think it’s because guys with big dicks are supposedly more sexually desirable? At least, that’s what society wants to portray. It’s kind of the guy version of when society claims that girls with bigger boobs are more sexually desirable.

        But I think you’re right, too, also Tessa doesn’t have anything to compare Hardin’s dick to. So to her, his probably average-sized dick is seemingly huge. Can’t take Tessa’s word when it comes to describing Harry’s – oh sorry, Hardin’s – huge dick size.

        And to think that when Todd originally wrote this, it was featuring Harry Styles. Even though she claims that the person in her fanfiction just resembles him in looks and isn’t actually based on the real guy. Surreee, Todd. Then why did you use his name to begin with instead of your own original character? To get more views?

        • Em

          The thing is that CANON Harry Styles (who this character is based on) has a gigantic penis. A selfie he took when he was sixteen (naked selfie, of course) was stolen from his laptop a few years ago and I accidentally saw it (as well as most fans): his dick, soft, reached mid-thigh. At sixteen. You can google it still, but beware that it’s probably considered child pornography. He used to wear skinny jeans during concerts and he had to do lounges to adjust his crotch because his bulge had nowhere to go and you could see it from space. Now he wears suits during concerts, and the one time he went commando his monster cock was flapping around so much there are COUNTLESS gifs of it floating around tumblr. TL;DR Tessa, canon, wouldn’t be able to suck half of that dick without choking.

  • Mae

    “A smile creeps onto his beautiful face as he becomes aware.”
    See, I read it as he just now became aware of where his hands are. Like, whoops, how did my fingers get on your thighs? But I like your Robot Hardin becoming sentient better.

    “Because, sure, our virginal protagonist can put her mouth on a dick, but GOD FORBID she say the words aloud.”
    That’s more of that Awakening of the Good Girl shit that drives me crazy. She’s supposed to want to please her man, but blatantly asking to do something because she wants to do it? That way whoring madness lies.

    “and one time walked in on a neighbor watching “a naughty movie.”
    Am I the weird one for being more concerned that she just apparently waltzes into her neighbor’s house than the fact that he was watching porn in the comfort of his own home? Unless he invited her in while masturbating, then he probably works in Hollywood or Congress.

    As for Tessa giving him the best head (hi there, Ana Steele!), LOL. Also, take that, Molly!

    “He watches her but “not all the time.” Tessa, unsurprisingly, finds this flattering.”
    *head desk*head desk*head desk*

    • Alicia

      She wants to please Hardin so she awkwardly asks if she can do anything for him, but saying the words “can I give you a blow job” aloud just confirms that she’s a whore, so she’d better not do that. Also, isn’t she still with Noah at this point? I can’t remember. But if she is, then yeah, she’s so TOTALLY innocent.

      Yep, this scene was probably copied from 50 Shades, I’m pretty sure Anna Todd had 50 Shades open most of the time while writing After. Cause they sure sound a hell of a lot similar. And if Tessa supposedly gives Hardin the best head he’s ever gotten, that must mean she’s whorier than Molly. But no, she’s not, because Molly sleeps with multiple men, while innocent virgin Tessa only wants to please one (sorry Noah, it’s not you), and emotionally and sexually cheating on Noah with Hardin definitely doesn’t count as being a whore, since she hasn’t had sex with either guy yet.

      Ugh. He watches her, but not all the time. Okay so that excuses potentially stalkerish behaviour, right? Since he doesn’t watch her ALL the time, he can’t actually be a stalker. So of course she finds this flattering, because he doesn’t just do that with any girl he sleeps with. Nope, it’s only Tessa, cause she’s super specials.

  • Blinvy .

    Oh no, he’s become self aware!! Run!

    Was this labelled as an erotica? Because this is really tame if so. I get the feeling that Anna Todd either is a virgin (or was when she wrote this) or has very little experience sexually. Her sex scenes are so non-descriptive and vague. I’m also pretty sure that she would be embarrassed to type the words dick and vagina, let alone speak them aloud.

  • Joy

    Maybe if I hope hard enough, she’ll actually say it.

  • The_v_from_the_sub_B

    Teh Worst. What is with writers who include “sex” scenes but refuse to actually write them? And pure virgins who are fellatio prodigies? WHY???