Previously: The vampires sit up all night and worry?
Annie: Bella has a lot to think about. Mostly, it’s a bunch of questions about fighting, survival and Alice’s clue. Bella wants normalcy for Ness so Bella takes Renesmee home to their cottage so she can go to bed in her own room.
Once the kid is sleeping, Bella goes to find Edward so she can talk to him. He instead has other ideas and crushes his lips against hers, while his arms ‘lock’ around her like steel girders. That doesn’t sound sexy, that sounds like assault.
Bella’s into it, though, and they have sexy times all night long.
K: The post-it note I have stuck to the page says “How does Renesmee sleep through your passionate all-night sexcapades? And what does she tell Jacob about them?!?!” and now I’m horrified at my past self for making me need brain bleach.
Annie: After, Bella’s back to thinking again. And she’s sad that they all might get murdered soon, because her plan was to take a few years to process how she felt about Edward from a sexually passionate perspective and then centuries to bone and enjoy it.
Whoa, wait. Is she having all these sexy vampire times, but not getting the time to process the emotional/mental piece of having a sexual relationship? Is she having all this sex without being 100% sure of it? Is she not yet enjoying it? And she feels she needs years to process all of her feelings about this and then she’ll enjoy it? Gah. Stephenie has some weird ideas about sex and relationships.
K: Understatement of the century.
Marines: I think she’s trying to marry some idea of it’s so good we can do it for centuries and animalistic passion and she landed somewhere in Bella being crushed and not really thinking about what she’s doing. AKA the opposite of sexy.
Annie: Anyway. The sun is coming up, so now it’s time to stop boning and get to work.
Bella is feeling super tense. Edward wishes there was a way to get the info they want from Eleazar before telling them about Ness. But Bella figures without knowing about Renesmee, Eleazar wouldn’t fully understand the question, so he wouldn’t really be able to answer it. Bella wants to know if Edward thinks they will let them explain. He’s not sure they will.
Bella fetches a still-sleeping Renesmee from her bed. Bella asks Edward if he will teach her to fight. Edward tells her that if it comes to a fight, they’re basically screwed. Bella guilts Edward by asking if he would leave her defenseless and he agrees to teach her.
Bella asks about fight strategies and wants to know what the Volturi’s biggest advantage is. Edward explains that Jane and Alec’s super-vamp powers are definitely the problem. While Jane can contain someone mentally, Alec’s superpower is sensory deprivation and he can target a whole bunch of vampires at the same time.
K: My favourite quote from this section is ““Alec and Jane are their greatest offense,” he said emotionlessly, like we were talking of a basketball team.” WEIRDEST. BASKETBALL TEAM. EEEEEVER.
Annie: Bella starts forming a plan. She wants to know if Alec is a good fighter because she figures with his power, he’s never really needed to be able to fight. Despite Bella’s subtle line of questioning, Edward figures out that she is coming up with a plan. And that is very bad, according to Edward. (M: She shouldn’t worry her pretty little head off!)
Bella wants to learn to fight because she figures she’s immune to Alec’s power. Edward is all NOPE. He reminds Bella that she’s still a newborn, even if she’s the bestest newborn ever, she’s probably super crappy and Alec is an older vamp and therefore stronger and better.
What. Haven’t they been telling us how strong newborn vampires are? And how Bella is the strongest and best or did I make that all up?
Mari: You did not. Newborns are supposed to be extra strong, but sloppy. Except Bella is extra not sloppy. So the plan of refining her extra strong skills should be a good one, but Edward is an overprotective misogynistic jerk so here we are.
Annie: I want poke my eyes out.
K: You and me both, girl.
Annie: Bella continues to try to sell Edward on her plan and he’s all ‘I’ll teach you to fight, but I don’t wanna talk about this otherwise’. He doesn’t want to use vampire Bella for bait. Human Bella as bait? Totally cool, though. I hate everything about this book so much.
As the two of them walk through the forest, Bella continues to plot in her head, making a kill-order list. Bella brings up Demitri and Edward gets all weird and has a violent expression on his face? IDK. Edward tells Bells that he gets to kill Demitri to thank Alice.
K: Am I meant to know why Edward’s all violent about Demitri?? Is this something I should remember from this book or a previous book? I remember nothing, to be honest. It’s self preservation.
Mari: It probably doesn’t help that we’ve been reading this series FOR.EV.ER.
Annie: Jacob joins them in wolf-form, and Bella goes back to questioning Edward about the Volturi, this time wondering why Eleazar was so special. Apparently it’s because Eleazar used to be a Volturi. Bella is mad at that, but Edward says it’s cool because Eleazar isn’t all bad. Edward says Eleazar would’ve totally gone vegetarian even if he hadn’t met Tanya.
Jacob telepathically asks Edward if Eleazar was one of their warriors, but Edward explains it’s Eleazar’s vamp power that makes him so special. Eleazar can tell what a super vamp’s power is if he gets close enough to them. He would warn the Volturi about potential threats in battles by letting them know what they were up against. Eleazar can also ‘sense’ special humans.
This is the stupidest.
Mari: She is literally just making up shit 70% through her final book to connect her own garbage dots. Of course, the vampire cult near them has a dude who senses powers. How convenient! Bella doesn’t know what her power is!
K: This really is the highest possible form of contrivance. I just…WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
Annie: Bella is surprised they let Eleazar leave, but apparently the guards see it as an honour to serve and they don’t see a problem with the Volturi. Bella goes back to wondering if they’ll be able to get the Volturi to listen and Edward explains that if they get enough support from other vampires, maybe.
They run the rest of the way to the Cullens’ house because Tanya and her crew will be there soon. They decide to hide Renesmee around the corner with Bella and Jacob in the dining room ahead of Tanya arriving. Jacob ‘lets’ Bella hold her daughter. Lets? Fuck you, Jacob.
While they wait, Renesmee asks what will happen if the visiting vampires don’t like her. Jacob tries to ease R’s anxiety, but Bella interrupts him to explain that they’ve never met anyone like her and they don’t understand her. Renesmee tells her mother using her super vamp power that she doesn’t fit in. Bella explains that it’s because Renesmee is special, but Renesmee doesn’t believe her and tells Bella that the family’s stress is all her fault. Bella, Edward and Jacob are quick to tell her that’s not true, but they’re interrupted by Tanya’s arrival.
Mari: Maybe if you would act a little normal, Renesmee and use your word— wait. She’s still like 5 days old, right? Never mind.
K: But that’s the worst part, Mari. She DOES actually use her words. ““What if they don’t like me?” she whispered, and all our eyes flashed to her face.” Because she wasn’t creepy enough already, we had to add TALKING.
Mari: Yep, that’s definitely worse.
Annie: Edward goes to greet them outside. The visitors ask about what’s going on. They make weird vamp small talk until Tanya asks if Edward is ever going to invite them in. Edward says he needs to explain something to them and that he’d like them to keep an open mind. He tells them that his family is in grave danger and that they let him tell the whole story first.
Tanya agrees to hear him out and comments on the smell of wolf. They ask about Bella and Edward tells them that she’ll join them soon. Tanya tells Edward to get on with it and OMG THANK YOU. This fake suspense Meyer is building up is getting tedious.
Instead of just coming out with it, Edward asks them to listen and tell him what they hear, and then to tell him what they smell.
They hear a quick heartbeat and smell something human-ish, but not quite. Edward asks them to keep that in mind and goes for the big reveal. He asks Bella to bring Renesmee out. Bella comes out of hiding, with Jacob close behind.
The visiting vampires freak out once they see Renesmee, and Edward tells them to remember what they heard and smelled. Edward explains that Renesmee is half-vampire, half-human. He tells them that Bella carried and gave birth to (sort of) (M: Shh, don’t recall the details) (K: I wish to God I couldn’t…) Renesmee, but that Bella nearly died in childbirth and that’s when she was turned.
Edward asks if they’re able to see the resemblances between Bella, Edward and their baby. Eleazar’s partner, Carmen, comes forward and comments on how much Renesmee is like her parents.
Renesmee touches Bella’s face to ask if it would be okay to touch Carmen’s face. Bella asks Carmen if Renesmee can ‘show’ Carmen the whole story and Renesmee uses her super vamp powers to ‘show’ Carmen. When Renesmee is done, Carmen tells the others that she believes that Renesmee is Bella and Edward’s biological daughter. Eleazar doesn’t believe her and I call bullshit. Shouldn’t he be able to sense Renesmee’s super vamp powers with his own super vamp power?
K: Shhhh, don’t poke the plot holes or this shitshow will come tumbling down around us.
Annie: Carmen urges Elaezar to let Renesmee show him. Renesmee goes to touch his face, but Elaezar flinches when she makes contact. Tanya wants to know what the problem is, and Renesmee impatiently asks him to watch what she has to show him.
Ness shows Eleazar and when she’s done, he believes the story now and has Renesmee do her little trick for both Tanya and Kate. They now all believe that Nessie is indeed, a half-human-half vampire hybrid and not an immortal child as they first thought.
Tanya understands the danger facing the Cullens and asks how the Volturi even know Renesmee exists. Edward explains that Irina ran into Bella and Nessie in the forest and that Alice saw with her visions that Irina went to the Volturi to tell them about Renesmee.
Tanya and Eleazar are upset that Irina ran to the Volturi to tattletale. Edward says it’s done now and they must prepare for the arrival of the Volturi in a month’s time. Eleazar is confused that it’s taking the Volturi so long. I think it’s contrivance, but I’m no expert. (M: We’re all confused at this point, Eleazar. We all are.) (K: Seriously. You’d think they’d have a private jet, what with all their money and whatnot. Maybe it takes a really long time to iron all their stupid robes?)
Edward explains that the whole gang, guards and all, are coming. He tells them that Alice believes this is about something more then just coming to punish them for having an immortal child. He explains the rest of the Cullens are out recruiting witnesses in hopes of getting a big enough audience to buy them time to explain what Renesmee is. Tanya doesn’t think that will help and that they’re all gonna die because they believe Renesmee to be super dangerous. Renesmee tells Tanya and her crew that she would never hurt people or wolf-people like ‘her’ Jacob.
Mari: IDK if we’ve mentioned how worst Stephenie Meyer’s injections of pedophilia into her crappy nonsensical story are this recap, so I did the thing.
K: It’s hard work, Mari, but someone had to do it. Just to make it worse, the way it’s written makes it sound like Renesmee already has romantic feelings for Jacob and OMFG NO WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU STOP.
Annie: Edward tells the visiting vampires that Renesmee grows faster than normal human babies and she’ll have gained another six months of development before the Volturi arrive. Tanya tells Edward that they will be witnesses for them. Edward doesn’t expect them to fight with them, but while Tanya won’t speak for the rest of her group, she isn’t going to stand by and watch. Kate and Carmen say they will fight, too. Carmen asks to hold the baby and Bella is surprised that everyone is so taken with Renesmee and that she must be super magical that all these people are willing to risk their lives for her. Like, she’s a cute, engaging, innocent kid. People are coming to hurt her. I think most adult humans would do their best to protect a toddler from murderers.
Mari: BUT SHE IS SPECIAL COTDAMMIT.
Annie: Bella feels there may be some hope and that maybe Renesmee can win over the Volturi. Then she remembers that Alice left them and she’s all ‘lol nevermind. We’re all gonna die.’
Next time on Breaking Dawn: Bella finds out what her power is in Chapter 31.