Breaking Dawn Chapter 32 – Lying Lava Lamp

Previously: Some other vampires met Renesmee and it was even more boring than you’d expect.

K: Life at the Cullen residence is suddenly hella complicated on account of a) the house is full of vampires, and b) all the non-Cullen vampires drink people. So suddenly, Edward finds himself “lending out his cars as needed without so much as a wince” so that the non-Cullens can go out of state to murder people. What a guy, am I right?

This makes Bella uncomfortable and Jacob super pissy. Not because it’s hella fucked up or anything. Just because it’s happening too close to the pack’s borders for his liking. But he keeps his mouth shut for his infant future wife’s sake. (A: Ew and nope).

I just read the next paragraph and had to stop and stare at the wall in rage for two minutes, something that hasn’t happened since I read Captive Prince in 2016. I’m just going to give you the whole thing verbatim because you cannot paraphrase this bullshit:

I was amazed at the easy acceptance the visiting vampires had for Jacob; the problems Edward had anticipated had never materialised. Jacob seemed more or less invisible to them, not quite a person, but also not food, either. They treated him the way people who are not animal-lovers treat the pets of their friends.

I don’t know about you guys, but what I’M getting from that? Is that the super white perfect characters treat the person of colour as invisible, not human, and a pet. WHAT THE FUCK, STEPHENIE MEYER. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. HOW DO YOU NOT SEE HOW PROBLEMATIC THIS IS JESUS H CHRIST I HATE EVERYTHING.

Annie: Yep. Stephenie never misses the opportunity to remind us that the porcelain white vampires are perfect and Jacob and anyone ‘other’ than the perfects are basically animals and are lucky to be allowed to breath the same air of the perfect white people.

Marines: SO, I recently saw this video that’s a little scattered but seemingly about how an undue amount of criticism is heaped on Stephenie Meyer because Twilight is meant for young girls, even though it’s not that bad. I obviously had A LOT of feelings about that take. While I agree that there is and should be a line of separation between work and author, it’s moments like these that really frustrate me in the direction of Stephenie Meyer. I don’t think it’s malicious, but it doesn’t have to be. These ideas that make the Natives in her story always LESSER are there whether she meant to put them there or not. And they are awful. And I hate it. 

K: I also had a lot of thoughts on that video, namely that it intentionally over-simplified a lot of things. But lest this post turn into an endless string of those thoughts, let’s just go with “Yes. What Mari said” and call it quits.

A bunch of the other werewolves go run with Sam, but Jacob can’t bring himself to leave Renesmee. Cool story. Don’t care. We’re then treated to seven million pages about all the vampires that have turned up. Apparently Peter and Charlotte never saw a vampire kid the first time around, so they’re pretty chill about Renesmee.

Carlisle sends them vampires from Ireland and Egypt. The Irish ones accept Renesmee immediately because one of them has the power to detect lies and can tell Edward’s not lying. So… she’s Lying Cat? Okay.

Annie: This book needs Lying Cat and the Will SO bad.

Mari: Yeah, she’s Lying Cat but BORING. 

K: SO BORING.

Also, Siobhan is described as “a woman of immense presence whose huge body was both beautiful and mesmerising as it moved in smooth undulations“. Which, what the fuck. That’s a reeeeeeally terrible way of saying someone is fat, Steph.

Annie: To me, it sounds more like Siobhan is a human lava lamp.

Mari: Omg, she’s Lying Lava Lamp.

K: Honestly, all I can think of is The X-Files episode of The Simpsons and how Scully makes Homer run on the treadmill…

The Egyptian vampires are less okay with Renesmee’s existence. The younger ones come around, but the older two are all “NOPE, BYE” until the one with a non-brown person name threatens to split up their family. Which, incidentally, LOOKS NATURAL BECAUSE THEY ALL HAVE DARK HAIR AND AN “OLIVE-TONED PALLOUR” HAHAHAHA DID YOU KNOW THAT ALL BROWN PEOPLE LOOK THE SAME BECAUSE THEY’RE BROWN?? STEPH SURE DID. I HATE EVERYTHING.

Mari: Wow, my mixed race family must be very UNNATURAL to her. 

K: We then find out that the one with the non-brown person name (Benjamin, incidentally, where the others are Amun, Kebi, and Tia) has the most super magical power of all the vampire powers, to the point where they’ve been intentionally keeping him off Aro’s radar for years: he can create physical manifestations of earth, wind, water and fire. I can’t decide if he’s Storm from the X-Men or if he’s Captain Planet. Or maybe he’s the Fifth Element, a movie I should rewatch immediately because it’s ten trillion times better than this horseshit.

Emmett and Rosalie send nomads. There’s a blond dude named Garrett, who’s instantly sold on the Denali girls. Then there’s Mary and Randall, who stay to act as witnesses and debate fighting with the Cullens. I give zero fucks about any of this.

Jacob gets more and more pissy with each new vampire and bitches to Renesmee that she should make him a list so he can remember all the names. At which point we’re treated to a footnote informing us that such a list exists on page 756 in case you’re too stupid to keep all this straight in your head. Mostly it makes me sad because it lets me know that we’re still 145 pages away from this trainwreck being over.

Mari: At our current rate, we’ll finish in 2027 cool.

K: You guys will still be reading then, right??

Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Rosalie return home, and a broody English vampire named Alistair turns up with them. Apparently he’s as much of an introvert as I am and can’t deal with people more than once a century. I hear you, pal. I hear you. He refuses to go near Renesmee and grumbles that he’ll have to spend centuries on the run from the Volturi after this.

And then two vampires turn up from the Amazon and I WANT TO STAB ALL OF THE THINGS because here’s how they’re described:

“Carlisle,” the taller of the two very tall ferine [in case you were wondering, this means savage or feral…] women greeted him when they arrived. Both of them seemed as if they’d been stretched – long arms and legs, long fingers, long black braids, and long faces with long noses. They wore nothing but animal skins – hide vests and tight-fitting pants that laced on the sides with leather ties. It wasn’t just their eccentric clothes that made them seem wild but everything about them, from their restless crimson eyes to their sudden darting movements. I’d never met any vampires less civilised.

Yeah. In case you weren’t quite sure if Stephenie Meyer was racist or not, she just referred to people of colour – probably Indigenous people, at that – as savage, wild and uncivilised. I just… I can’t. I can’t do this any more. I can’t believe that there are still people in the world giving this book five stars. When does this fucking chapter end. Fuck.

 

Literally the only time I’ve ever understood Kylo Ren’s extra af reactions

Mari: Wow, Breaking Dawn just made me relate to Kylo Ren, send help. 

K: And also booze.

Anyway. Apparently Alice sent them, and there’s a third member of their group who Alice told to go a different way. And then in case we hadn’t had enough racism, we’re told that they listen calmly to the whole “sooo we had a baby” thing “despite their fierce appearance“, and are instantly taken with Renesmee because of course they are.

Zafrina, the one who got that one entire word up there before and then says LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE, has a pretty stinking cool power. She can make you see whatever she wants you to see. For example, she makes Edward think he’s completely alone in the jungle, except that he knows he’s not alone because Bella’s in his arms. Vom. Renesmee is super taken with the “pretty pictures” and basically uses Zafrina as her personal Viewfinder. I hate this so much.

Now that we’re done introducing all these vampires who’ll never say anything, Edward starts training Bella on how to fight. Except that he’s shit at it because he can’t handle thinking about all the ways he could kill her in order to identify weaknesses and actually attack her. He refuses to teach her because he’s a whiny whiteboy baby.

She goes to Emmett for help and his teaching feels like revenge for the arm wrestling thing. Rosalie, Tanya and Eleazar are all super helpful. She tells us that it’s reminiscent of  Jasper’s fighting lessons before the newborns showed up but also maybe not because “those memories were fuzzy and indistinct.” MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND, STEPH. DOES SHE REMEMBER OR NOT?!

The nomads help out a little, and on one occasion, Bella fights with Zafrina, but decides never to ask for her help again because “though I liked Zafrina very much and I knew she wouldn’t really hurt me, the wild woman scared me to death.” AWESOME. BROWN PEOPLE ARE TERRIFYING. GREAT MESSAGE FOR TEENS.

She spends all of her non-Renesmee time training, trying to push her shield out to protect Edward from Kate’s taser skin. Apparently it’s like stretching an elastic band that doesn’t want to be stretched. (M: But elastic is stretchy?) (K: Shhh) Kate insists that Bella seeing Edward in pain will be a great motivator, but I like to think that Kate just has the Snark Ladies’ backs and thinks he deserves some pain for being an asshat.

 

Starring Bart Simpson as me and Sideshow Bob as Edward

Annie: A+ gif and caption.

K: YOU’RE WELCOME.

Eventually after a full page of trying, Bella manages to use her special snowflake power and oh my God I just looked and this chapter goes for ten more pages what the fuck excuse me while I cry.

Bella only manages it once though, so Kate decides she needs MORE motivation and goes to get Renesmee. Obviously, the MUST PROTECT MY CHILD rage that fills Bella lets her use her stupid powers. She grabs Renesmee back from Kate and Edward’s all “Okaaaaay, everyone just caaaaaalm down” because Bella’s about to go all murdery.

But Bella overcomes her murdery rage (of course she does) and instead channels the anger into pushing her shield further out. Zafrina uses her power on everyone and has them raise their hands when they can see again to give them an indication of how big Bella’s shield circle is. She makes it about ten feet and then the rubber band snaps back into place. This was all so drawn out and overwritten that I’m honestly bored by it when it should be a super exciting moment.

Mari: Because AS IF we didn’t know Bella wouldn’t easily best this super hard thing. There can’t be any tension in your story when nothing bad happens or sticks and when your main character is the best at everything. 

K: Look, we’re 618 pages in and there’s been approximately zero tension. Why start now?

Anyway, more vampires turn up. These ones are from Romania (of course they are) and they’re there without being invited because they super hate the Volturi and want to take them down. They don’t want to go near Renesmee but they’re fine with her existence. And they’re intrigued by the werewolf alliance thing. Bella tells us that all up, they have seventeen witnesses to go along with their family of eleven. And then, finally finally FIIIIIINALLY, this fucking chapter comes to an end.

 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: We take a break from the entire lack of plot for a totally pointless subplot in Chapter 33.

 

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  • bubba912

    I love how there were 10 pages left in the chapter and you summarized them in 3 short paragraphs.

    The racism here is just horrific. As you said even if it’s unintentional, it’s still there, and it’s a horrible message. Also a horrible message – murdering innocent people is cool as long as you take it out of state, and you should even provide transportation to enable the murders to occur. And these people are the heroes of the story. OK then.

    • I laughed when I saw she was like “ugh 10 pages” but then the recap was practically over. I mean, legit because it was a long one and also because Meyer pretends she gets paid by the word.

  • ArcticWolfRL

    Above and beyond the blatant racism, ignoring something is not “easy acceptance” – although that may be a very telling clue as to S Meyer’s personality/psyche. “Easy acceptance” of Jacob and co would be joking around, talking to them, trying to find common points of interest, or you know, just kindly acknowledging their existence in general. Ignoring is just… ignoring. Not even deigning to acknowledge that something exists is so far from acceptance that I don’t even know where to start. As we supposed to believe that just because the newbies aren’t screaming epithets at Jacob that that automatically means acceptance in Meyer’s bizarro world? Alrighty then.

  • Joy

    The fact that Twilight is meant for young girls means that it should be held to higher standards. 😐

    • I’M SAYING.

      And I get not pooping on it *because* it’s meant for young girls– that’s valid. But dear God, one has to be pretty obtuse to not see the very big problems with this series.

  • snickerdoodles

    so zaffy and co. listened calmly while told the thrilling tale of bella giving birth to the gut buster? and what, pray tell, were they supposed to do? start chanting? run around in circles shouting “oogah boogah?” climbing trees? and bella was scared of the wild woman zafrina? bella, the strong dang near invincible newborn mary sue, was scared? of what, exactly? she’s still a newborn! she is the strongest critter there! does scary brown vampires have some super dooper power that stuffy meyer didn’t tell us about? is she afraid that if the scary brown vamp touches her pristine whiteness, she will turn icky brown herself??????

  • Blinvy .

    I saw Lindsay’s video as well and while I do agree that the type of hate she was getting was over the top and based only on the fact that she made something girly (a lot of the hate was for it being a romance and making vampires wimpy which is the stupidest reason to hate this piece of trash book series), I don’t fully agree with her point that this is harmless entertainment either.
    What angered me about the series was how flippant she was about how the guys treated Bella, as if weird manipulative abuse was somehow perfectly normal and acceptable way for a guy to woo a woman. No thank you. Then there’s the racism which was lighter in the earlier books but is so blatant now that it’s hard to ignore. And the problems with Imprinting. Imprinting was a horrifying concept to me, even before the children were brought in. The fact that two werewolves have imprinted on babies in this series is horrendously troubling and seems to want to normalize child grooming and I cannot give Stephenie Meyer a pass for that. I don’t care that it’s supposed to be “fantasy” and that she doesn’t want you to think so much about it all, I can’t stop thinking about it and how gross it is. All I’m left with is wondering what Stephenie’s views on this are and I always land on, I think she thinks it’s ok for men to fall in love with very, very young girls and that’s a hard no for me. Sorry, Nostalgia Chick, I cannot bring myself to apologize to Stephenie for hating her because I’m not sorry and I still hate her for trying to normalize such garbage behaviour and acts.

    • Anonyme

      I was reading in a comments section of “Everything Wrong with New Moon” (on YouTube), where a debate was going on between a sensible person and some Twihards.
      The Twihards said that Edward was justified TAKING APART BELLA’S ENGINE to prevent her from seeing Jacob, and later _kidnapping_ her for the same reason, because Edward was “trying to keep Bella safe”. Even though Bella was an adult who could make her own decisions. Even though Jacob had never shown any signs of wanting to hurt Bella, and in fact kept her safe after Edward dumped her in the middle of the forest. I guess Edward forgot about the Papercut of Doom in which Jasper tried to drink Bella to death.

      • Blinvy .

        Yeah, the Twihards aren’t much better than those bashing the books just for being girly. They clearly send out the wrong messages if they are willing to defend the shit behaviour of the characters.
        This and the whole Logan Paul situation has taught me that I really need to teach my children that no one is infallible. You can like something without having to love every single thing that they do and that it is a good thing to view everything with a critical eye. Blind love is not something to be encouraged or valued. Like what you like, just don’t be a stupid, can’t see any fault, defend any faults asshat about it.

  • Mae

    I can see the visiting vampires treating Jacob as an invisible pet, not a person, as a characteristic of being a vampire. But the fact that Bella refers to this as “easy acceptance” of her so-called best friend is doubly gross. This suggests that this is precisely how he SHOULD be treated. Nope, nope, nope.

    IIRC, the woman in the Egyptian family was every stereotype of a Muslim woman sans hijab. Alistair is a British stereotype too, but treated as just sort of a curmudgeon so it didn’t seem as offensive to me. But the Amazonian women was way off the charts. I also find it amusing that Meyer conflated Amazon tribes with Amazons in Greek myth and thought herself clever. In essence, the POC – in this chapter alone – are: non-people, fanatics, uncivilized, and scary. But don’t you dare call this book racist!

    So, Bella’s power is like a hair band that’s too loose to secure my ponytail but not loose enough to wrap around another time? No wonder I hate it.

    • This is so well put. I mean, the language is unfortunate and tricky, on account of how Meyer chose to make the Natives the animals, but BEYOND that, the very casual acceptance of Jacob being treated as lesser is awful. Meyer relied on a bunch of stereotypes that communicates some narrow world views and I hate it.

      I also hate Bella’s power.

      I hate a lot of things.

  • snickerdoodles

    spitefic!!!

    i was amazed at the growing acceptance the visiting vampires had for jacob; the problems edward anticipated never materialized. finding out that jacob and the rest of the pack were here as allies against the volturi helped ease the tension between the two groups and i could see the beginning of new friendships. siobhan and jacob were having a enjoyable discussion about their native legends and culture. i realized that edward’s jealousy of my relationship with jacob really colored how he viewed my friend and how he thought others would see him. the volturi aren’t due here for awhile so i see i am going to have to have a discussion with my husband and his family about treating my best friend with respect.

    take that, meyer!!

    • *cries because it’s so easy to be better*

  • The_v_from_the_sub_B

    Good Lord, this thing is immeasurably crappy. Just when I think it’s completely turded up, the bizarre racism so carelessly tossed in overflows the bowl.

    • It’s really weird. It’s just so casually tossed in that it really reads like… ignorance? That’s judgemental, I know, but the point is that Meyer’s writing non-white people makes me wonder how many non-white people she’s ever met. And that is certainly not what any author should be going for…

      • The_v_from_the_sub_B

        None. I say none. Even if she saw people from “Jacob’s” tribe, she really didn’t.

  • That girl B

    Ok, so I’ve been lurking on here over the years initially in the 50 shades thread because I was alarmed at just how many people were lapping that shit up and praising it. My faith in humanity was restored when I found your site and read that you guys TOO could see through the oh so clear bullshit.
    And then, just when it couldn’t get any better, you guys decided to do the Twilight Saga!! God is real y’all!!😁👏 Lol

    This series has always been problematic for me since it first became popular and I read the books and watched the movies.
    Despite the campaign to sell him as the perfect boyfriend, Edward just rubbed me the wrong way. As you guys have already numerously pointed out; dude is a fucked up creep.
    And don’t get me started on Bella’s stupid ass. I remember seeing an interview with K-Stew and she said she really admired “Bella’s strength”. The fuck?! So it takes strength to be selfish and passive? Good to know cause in that case I’m weak af.

    At the time I was reading these books I was slightly younger so a part of me tried to justify it as not being mature enough to understand those adult themes.

    Oh boy, how I was wrong.

    I could never buy into their whole relationship for a number of reasons.
    1; Why the FUCK is a 108 year old vampire interested in a 17 year old girl??? I don’t give several shits if he’s stuck in the body of a seventeen year-old. He is still a gross grandpa.
    2; The light speed rate it took for these two dimwits to “fall in love”. I was sitting in the theater thinking “It’s literally been like 5 damn minutes. Y’all don’t know each other”.
    3; The fact that she immediately puts Granpa Eddy at the top of EVERYTHING in her life. She doesn’t care about the pain she’ll be inflicting on her parents by turning and disappearing for good.
    Don’t get me wrong, I understand (rather have been told) that romantic love is strong but I refuse to believe it’s strong enough to destroy or trump the love you have for your close immediate family and even friends.
    4; The gender relations in this book. Honestly gave me a headache.
    5; THE RACISM! Definitely left me feeling some type of way. Notice how all the vampires’ beauty is mainly attributed to their alabaster skin? Only here and there will she mention a tanned one but she’ll insist on saying it’s only faint. So is vampire venom racist too?? Chooses to make everyone as white as possible because that will make them more beautiful to their prey.
    And the fact that there is nearly no mention of other people of color (besides the Quiluetes) and *spoiler alert* when she does, he’s a criminal. Fuck her. Honestly and truly. In my opinion, none of this is a mistake. It’s shows how she thinks.
    6; The super duper annoying fact that EVERYTHING dimwits Eddy and Bells do is “perfect”. He’s perfect enough to resist killing her, she perfect enough to be the most appealing human to him ever. Their both perfect enough to have successful sex resulting in the conception of a super special hybrid baby. Bella is special enough to live through almost COMPLETE blood loss, her uterus being bitten open and her spine shattering. Edward is perfect enough to be around all that blood and not even flinch. Bella undergoes her change perfectly, not screaming and begging for death like most vampires. And then of course quickly learning how to use her “superpower.”
    7; And the pedophilia themes. I. Just. Cannot.
    These are only a few that immediately jump into my head oh and plus how shitty of a writer Stephanie is.
    All her plots are pointless and sooo predictable. Of course the Cullens will come out on top no matter WHAT the situation is. Ugh…

    Anyways please keep the posts coming, I’m definitely enjoying them and appreciate the sacrifices you guys are making (all those countless jugs of brain bleach).
    Glad that there are some people who actually see the light.

  • Anonyme

    I’m still trying to figure out why vampires from all over the world would drop everything to risk their lives and defend some random human-pire kid. It’s not like Harry Potter, whose prophecy can affect the entire wizarding world and the Muggle world too.

    • Your guess is as good as mine, seeing how it was something Meyer never really bothered clarifying. We do have 7984 different names for Edward’s eye color, but alas, not this.

  • Jamie Miller

    I hope you did watch The Fifth Element. Not because it’s the best evah, but because anything is better than this drivel.

    • Reward media. It’s how I get through bad tasks like recapping Breaking Dawn and homework.