Previously: Gorgon’s second round of terrigenesis did not go well.
Dani: Surprise!Bunker. Maximus gloats because he enacted a failsafe wherein the dome protecting Attilan powers down (killing everyone) unless his hand is scanned every hour. Triton says they don’t believe him, but Max doesn’t care. Black Bolt tells Triton to I dunno, just cut off Max’s hand? But Max says his brother should know that won’t work. (M: …why?) (D: Shh … it’s almost over. Don’t start asking questions now.)
BB mimes that the people should know how self-serving Max is, which just gives Max an opportunity for yet another speech about the royals being awful, blah blah blah, and once he goes through terrigenesis again he’ll take the Inhumans to earth and conquer the humans.
Jessica: It would seem that Black Bolt has learned nothing from his “Triton is alive” secret keeping arguments. Or maybe he senses that this is more of a season 2 type of secret.
Marines: Ha ha ha ha, season 2. As if.
Sweeney: LOL @ Season 2, but also, for anyone who cares: my hunch is that this has something to do with the Kree (who created the Inhumans) and possibly other MCU tie-in stuff. Of course, we will never know because someone out there decided to have mercy on us and cut this off here.
Dani: We should send that someone a fruit basket or something.
BB takes Medusa and Crystal aside and tells them to prepare for an evacuation as a last resort. Crystal wonders where they’ll go, and BB gives Medusa a meaningful look. Medusa says she’ll take care of it, then asks Crystal for help. She says they’ll need Lockjaw, too, even though he probably hasn’t fully healed yet. Poor doggo.
J: What’s the giant CGI version of milk bones? Because Lockjaw deserves all of them!
Dani: I’d settle for an AU where all the royals have to spend the rest of their lives cleaning giant CGI dog poo from the yard.
Elsewhere, Karnak is sneaking around the palace. Some guards come upon him, and he’s cockily telling them how many ways he could kill them when a third guard captures him from behind. Womp-womp. Lead guard tells the others to lock Karnak in the Quiet Room.
After the credits, Louise is walking around her apartment when Medusa and Lockjaw appear. Louise gasps, and Lockjaw takes off. (Poor, unappreciated dog.) Louise hugs Medusa happily and says she thought she’d never see her again. I still don’t get why the humans like these less-than-kind people so much after knowing them for like two minutes, but whatever.
J: This is definitely a one-sided relationship. I feel sorry for Louise.
Mari: Let’s just all head canon that Louise is really in love with the idea of going to the moon.
Sweeney: Sweet Louise will endure any shitty faux-friendship for THE MOON. But instead she just gets shitty faux-friendship and NO TRIP TO THE MOON. Poor Louise.
Dani: Louise notices the case in Medusa’s hand and asks if she’s moving in. She quickly surmises that Medusa is there to ask another favor, and she adorkably tells her that she’s been reading a lot about how to negotiate when you’re a woman and that she wants something, too. Mainly, to go to the moon (M: SEE?) (D: You’re so good at TV). Medusa tells her about the dome and that it’s not safe. Also that she’s there because they might all be leaving Attilan. Louise asks where they’ll go, and Medusa says that’s why she’s there.
Moon. Gorgon is throwing stuff around the terrigenesis room while Declan cowers nearby. He eventually spots the good doc, who tries to calm him down and promises he can help him. Gorgon seems to be listening, but then Declan picks up a big piece of wood and says he’ll only help him if he stays back. It’s dumb. (J: So dumb.) Declan jabs the wood at Gorgon, telling him to stay back, but of course Gorgon just grabs the piece of wood away. Gorgon sends Declan flying through the air, into a terrigenesis chamber, which then also goes sailing through the room. Declan lands in a bloody heap, apparently dead. (M: What in God’s name was the point of Declan?) (D: Alternate title of the show: What in God’s Name Was the Point?.) The guards come in and Gorgon charges them. But they brought an extra-special Inhuman who sends out a pulse of energy? that makes Gorgon instantly fall asleep. It’s a power every parent wishes they had. (J: Hahahaha. This person will do just fine in the workforce on Earth.) (M: As Super Nanny?)
Tunnels. Max monologues about how awful Black Bolt and the caste system were, and of course he makes excellent points. I’m not sure what the show is trying to tell us with this continual line of psycho Max making lots of sense. Even evil narcissists make sense sometimes? Or, it’s okay to be subjugated, as long as the oppressors are pretty and believe what they’re doing is for the greater good? Either way, I’m not buying it.
There are voices shouting nearby, and Max yells for his guards. BB covers Max’s mouth (how did they not gag him LONG ago??) and Triton goes off to fight the guards. Triton immediately impales two guards and then quickly slits the throats of the other two guards. I can’t find any gifs because this show sucks and no one gifs it. Imagine there are blades in Kermit’s hands, and it’s pretty close…
Dani: The Quiet Room, which tbh looks like the Spaceship Earth ride (the big golf ball) at EPCOT. Karnak is examining the walls when the guards toss a still-groggy Gorgon in with him. He gets super excited to see his cousin until Gorgon tries to punch him IN THE FACE. Karnak yells “we’re family,” which finally gets through. Gorgon breathes weirdly and for some reason can’t seem to raise his head when he looks at people, so I’m pretty sure the direction here was just ‘act like a pissed-off bull about to charge.’ Between bizarre bull-breaths, Gorgon asks Karnak to help him.
Mari: Maybe start with something for some neck support, Karnak!
Tunnels. Black Bolt doesn’t appear to know his way through the maze of hallways, which gives Maximus more fuel to mock him for being an out-of-touch royal (J: And you do, Max? Come on.). Max tells BB that the coup was all his fault, as BB promised Max he didn’t want to be king and that the crown would be Max’s (J: Is this where they got the idea for The Christmas Prince?) (D: LOL). This throws us into a flashback of the Genetic Council dude with young Black Bolt, shortly after BB had accidentally murdered his mom and dad. GC dude flips through images on a holographic iPad and stops on a picture of some galaxy. He tells BB his powers make perfect sense now, as he’s the only one who can defend them against their greatest enemy. Max barges in before the enemy can be named (M: a-fucking-gain?), and GC Dude shoos him away because only the head of the Genetic Council and the king are allowed to know this stuff. Max gets betrayed/murdery eyes and storms out. Young BB looks like there’s a frog in his mouth that he can neither swallow nor spit out.
Back in the present, BB signs that he didn’t want to be king, but he had to be. Max says that’s rich and obviously doesn’t believe him. Then the building starts shaking and the shield that hides Attilan flicks on and off. Max says the dome is weakening and taunts BB with how it will eventually just implode. BB glares and pushes Max along.
After the commercial break, we’re back inside Terrible!EPCOT. Karnak apologizes to Gorgon and says this is all his fault.
Sweeney: “Most powerful weapon in Attilan.” Words have no meaning here.
Dani: Especially words like “plot.”
Crystal talks to Eldrac and tells him they may need to evacuate Attilan and it’s too many people for LockJaw. He says he’ll help and she thanks him and wow the acting really hasn’t gotten any better in eight episodes.
Jessica: They never explained this door guy. Was he designed as part of the city? Or did he just get the shortest of all short straws after terrigenesis?
Mari: I’m definitely ranking murder face over being a damn doorway for the rest of forever.
Sweeney: AU version where the dome stabilizes and Eldrac gets to move around like a normal person and Eldrac hangs out with Louise and Lockjaw on the moon and everyone else disappears.
Dani: Seriously, though… was there some sort of contest in the writers room to come up with the lamest superpowers ever, like lobster-arms and living wall?!
BB takes Max into a courtyard, where they suddenly encounter Bro-papa and some other guards. They look unsure for a moment, probably because Black Bolt was their king for so long, then Max jerks his head and the fighting starts. Bro-papa leads Max to safety while Black Bolt fights off 3 or 4 guards. Unlike Triton, Black Bolt doesn’t just straight-up murder the guards but tosses them into a hallway and bolts the door instead.
J: Yeah I mean, they must all know the guards pretty well right, since they used to be guarded by them? There is a lot of unrepentant murdering going on.
Dani: It’s disturbing when you stop and consider it, which is something the writers clearly didn’t bother to do.
Gorgon and Karnak encounter Triton, who’s hella surprised to see Gorgon alive again. Karnak explains what he did and admits it was a mistake. Triton tells him they have bigger problems atm.
Max bounds into the terrigenesis room, calling for Declan to start his terrigenesis. But Declan is super dead. (J: Which no one, including the show, seems to care so much about. Were we supposed to like this guy? Hate him? What is anything?) (D: There, there, sweetie. It’ll all be over soon.) Auran tells Max that Gorgon did it, and Max doesn’t seem surprised that Gorgon came back to life. He goes to a nearby crate, but it’s empty – the Terrigen crystals are all gone. Max screams for his guards to bring Bronaja to him.
In the throne room, Max asks Bronaja who took the crystals and where they are, but Bronaja says that’s not really how his gift works. Max asks if he’ll at least find the crystals or go through terrigenesis, and Bronaja promises to tell him whatever he sees. Max says, “like you did with Tibor” and then grabs Bronaja, throwing him into a vision. When he emerges, Bronaja tells Max he saw him as the undisputed king of Attilan. Max asks about Black Bolt, and Bronaja says he was gone. Max is apparently too arrogant and power-hungry to question any of this.
Max’s celebration gloat is interrupted by the building shaking. A statue falls down, and the decapitated head rolls towards Max because SYMBOLISM. Max hurries away to the control room, and the camera zooms in on Bronaja, who looks shifty.
Control Room. Max scans his palm print and the warning alarms cease. He tells the Minority Report twins to put him on the dome so he can address all of Attilan. Oh, good – another speech.
Dani: Obviously we were all awful people in previous lives and this is our karmic payback.
Mxx tells the people that the royals are attacking Attilan, and also they’ve stolen the Terrigen crystals, their most sacred relic. He urges everyone to defend Attilan and says they will never surrender. The v dramatic score implies this is supposed to be rousing and climactic, but is it, score? IS IT?
After the commercial break, Louise and Medusa are briefing Louise’s boss on the whole Inhumans thing and also that they might need a place to stay, so he needs to call the Big Boss pronto. Louise’s boss calls her a lunatic, so Medusa uses her comlink to call Crystal and LockJaw. The appearance of a teleporting dog convinces him to call the Big Boss. He says the Boss will want unlimited access to the Inhumans, and he’s pretty sure he knows a place for them. (J: That is not ominous at all.)
Crystal brings Medusa up to speed on the dome failing and Max escaping. Medusa gives Louise the case she brought to Earth, which holds the stolen Terrigen crystals, and asks her to take care of them. Louise asks if she’s sure, and Medusa says there isn’t a friend she’d trust more with them. Crystal points out that Medusa doesn’t have a lot of friends, but that’s okay because Louise doesn’t, either. Aww. Louise swears to protect the crystals. Medusa says they have to go, but not before she agrees to take the little rocket with Louise’s dad’s ashes to the moon for her. Louise says goodbye to her dad and wishes him safe travels, and it’s actually pretty touching since Louise is one of the few likable characters on this show. (S: YAY LOUISE!)
Back in the Minority Report room, Karnak examines the protocols Maximus put into place. Triton asks if there’s a flaw, and Karnak believes there is. Max thinks he can stop the damage to the dome at any time, but Karnak says that might not be the case. Triton asks how they’ll know, and Karnak tells them when the dome collapses and they all die. Helpful!
Black Bolt arrives and is pissed when he sees the resurrected Gorgon. Karnak admits he disobeyed a direct order from his king and says he has no excuse other than he wanted his cousin back. BB approaches Gorgon, who starts snort-breathing again and looking like he’s about to attack. Karnak warns him to be calm and BB places his hand on his shoulder which instantly relaxes him? idk.
BB asks about the failsafe thing, and Karnak says they can’t stop it. He asks about Medusa, and they locate her in the bunker. Once everyone’s back together, Medusa sees Gorgon and is furious. She tells Karnak they’ll deal with his insubordination later. They talk about evacuating, but Medusa says she wants to make one final run at convincing Maximus to do the right thing. They just need a person to act as a go-between and decide on Auran.
Sweeney: Auran is also a character I quite enjoy and someone I kinda hope that SHIELD will find an excuse to adopt in the future so that she can exist in a better story and maybe be a better character as a result.
Dani: They really could have done so much with this character.
Throne Room. Auran says she’s personally guaranteed the safety of both Medusa and Maximus, and she steps outside to let them talk one-on-one.
Medusa makes an emotional appeal to Max while the camera pans around them in circles, making me dizzy. Some of what she says must get through to him, because he agrees to spare her life. He tells her to return to Earth while she still can.
Back in the bunker, Medusa tells the remaining royals that Maximus won’t back down. She asks BB if they should begin the evacuation of Attilan, and we have to suffer through reaction shots of Black Bolt, Triton, Karnak, Gorgon (chin down and snort-breathing), and Crystal. It takes forever, and Medusa is probably like WTF by now. BB finally nods.
After the commercial, we see the royals addressing the people of Attilan on the dome monitors. Medusa admits they made mistakes and failed the people, but she swears they always put the needs of Attilan before their own. She acknowledges that Max forced them into an era of change and says they want to continue taking that change in a positive direction. But not on the moon, because Max wrecked the dome. She says they need to return to earth, where she and BB will lead the way.
As she continues to address the people, Max and Auran watch from the palace. Max talks back to the monitors, as if Medusa can hear what he’s saying. He starts sounding more and more deranged and finally says that if he can’t have Attilan no one will – he’ll let the dome collapse and suck the life out of every person on the moon. Swell. Auran side-eyes him forever.
Medusa tells everyone to go to Eldrac to be evacuated. The ground shakes and a bunch of the dome screens blink out. Then a building collapses. The people scramble.
J: This evacuation plan is super disorganized. They didn’t even set up a buddy system!
Dani: This is what happens when spoiled royals are in charge.
Auran tells Max he needs to put his hand on the damned scanner already, but Max says you’re not the boss of me. He thinks he can stop the damage at any time, but Auran’s not so sure. She thinks they should evacuate, and they argue. Max silences Auran and tells her to stand guard outside his door. She says she’ll take her leave of him, which sounds to me like she’s saying she’s #SoDone with him, but Max interprets it differently I guess and thanks her for her loyalty? I’m so confused.
Teleporting Wall with a Giant Head Stuck In It (aka Eldrac). Crystal urges “everyone” (which looks to be about 50 people at most?) forward, and they all shuffle through amidst much groaning and grunting from Eldrac.
Jessica: And don’t tell me people are just heading out without like, suitcases or backpacks or anything. They are leaving without their stuff!
Sweeney: WITHOUT. THEIR. STUFF.
Mari: Proof that stupidity might be a general moon people thing.
Dani: Elsewhere, Medusa stacks up a big pile of rocks at the base of a large, stone obelisk. She places Louise’s rocket inside the pile and covers it with more rocks as the ground begins to shake. I was expecting her foot to get stuck in the rocks and then the obelisk would topple onto her and crush her, but she just looks up and walks away. (J: That would have been both hilarious and somewhat poetic.)
Inside, Karnak chases down Gorgon who is running away for some reason? He apologizes for what he’s done to him and explains that if he stays there he’ll die. It’s his choice, but if he decides he wants to live then Karnak promises to help him. He says it’s his burden as well as Gorgon’s.
The royals gather and prepare for LockJaw to teleport them to Earth. Black Bolt sits on the throne and hangs his head, and outside the rumbling intensifies. Karnak says they need to leave, but BB says Maximus is too dangerous to just leave him there unchecked. He needs to resolve this. Um? Isn’t he just gonna die when the dome fails? I don’t get it.
Medusa worries that something will happen to BB, and they bid each other a tearful goodbye.
Black Bolt finds Maximus, who finally realizes that he let the failsafe go too long. The dome will collapse and Attilan will be destroyed. BB tells Max he doesn’t want to hurt him, which Max says is sweet. But they’re both going to die, and rather soon. BB telepathically tells him something about being brothers, and Max decides this is a good time for confession.
Sweeney: I mean, we’ve all watched enough TV by now to know that awaiting death really is the very best time for long confessional speeches, ideally with information that would have drastically changed earlier events.
Dani: Max tells BB that the Genetic Council wrote a document urging brain surgery on BB to I dunno … temper his power? Couldn’t they just sever his vocal chords, or something? Anyway, Max forged their parent’s signature and stole into the throne room to use the conveniently (and stupidly) unprotected royal seal on it. Max assumed BB would run off to Earth and he’d never have to worry about him again, but instead he shout-obliterated their parents. “For no reason at all,” says Max.
Max raises his arms in supplication and tells BB to go ahead and kill him. We get an extreme close-up on BB’s mouth and Anson’s teeth as his breath hitches. He inhales a mighty breath and… punches Max in the face. I lol’d.
Max comes to in the bunker, and starts to info dump about it. It was the first structure built on Attilan, and even if the dome fails the bunker will hold. Conveniently, there’s also enough food and water there to last an eternity. And electricity for air purification, presumably. Okay, then… so why didn’t they just hustle those 50-odd people into the bunker and work on building a new dome? This is so dumb. Max asks BB who they were trying to keep out (the mysterious enemy), and BB tells him he should hope he never has to find out.
Max asks why they’re there (um, so you don’t die?) and BB pushes him further into the bunker. Then he leaves and locks Max inside. Max pounds on the door, but BB breaks the handle so it’s permanently sealed. Then he walks outside and looks back at the building. He says “goodbye, brother,” which of course levels the building. Max stands alone inside the bunker and pronounces himself king of Attilan. So Bronaja didn’t lie.
Black Bolt races to Eldrac, but the wall is destroyed. He drops to his knees in defeat but JUST KIDDING of course one piece of Eldrac remains. He tells BB to hurry through and don’t worry about leaving him behind to die. (J: Yet another death of little to no import.) BB departs just as the dome fails and the buildings turn into dust so it just looks like another moon crater? I don’t think pressurization works like that on concrete buildings, but whatever show. The city collapses, but inside the palace the lines and symbols on the throne all light up and glow blue. It probably means something to people familiar with the canon of this universe, but for the rest of us it’s just one more thing that doesn’t make sense.
Sweeney: It’s badly explained, but my guess is that this is why they didn’t haul the 50-odd people to the bunker – this magic event has something to do with the mysterious enemy (totes the Kree) and if they were in the bunker the mysterious enemy would basically have been summoned to them? But also it’s entirely possible that I am filling in all of that information on my own. The fact remains that this story is badly told.
Dani: That makes sense … but it also makes BB’s plan to leave Max in the bunker even more stupid. Planning is definitely not this guy’s strong suit.
After the final commercial break, the royals are gathered in a field? or maybe a prison? I dunno there are floodlights and really tall fence-walls. (J: It definitely looks like a prison.) For some reason everyone’s wearing Royal Inhuman garb again, even though they definitely didn’t have time to pack before they left. Medusa says it’s time to address their people, but Black Bolt pulls her aside. She tells him he should be happy since he saved the Inhumans, but he sadly tells her they traded one danger for another. Medusa doesn’t understand. GIRL, SAME.
Louise interrupts to tell them the people are waiting. They greet the peasants, (J: LOL) and Medusa seems surprised and pleased when Black Bolt indicates she should address them herself, rather than acting as his interpreter. She tells everyone “welcome home” and says that although they face an uncertain future they face it with hope. And with awesome footwear, if her silver sandals are any indication. WANT.
YAY IT’S FINALLY OVER! Let’s never do that again.
Jessica: It’s over! It’s over!
Mari: How terrible. Now that it’s over, I’m happy for me and kind of sad for everyone who had to be involved in this poorly written, poorly acted, poorly plotted garbage show, in which the only generally good bits were a CGI dog, our own head cannon about Louise and the occasional excellent sandal.
Join us for some other shit because Inhumans is over now. Thank you.