Breaking Dawn Chapter 34 – I’m gonna throw up.

Previously: Bella got some fake IDs.

Annie: Bella returns to the Cullens’ and she hears Edward at the piano. He starts playing her lullaby in case we needed reminding of that gross aspect of this series.

K: The post-it I have stuck to the page says “Girl. If you are a fucking parent, you should not need a lullaby.”  I think 2017 Me makes an excellent point.

Annie: Bella gets Renesmee out of the car and goes into the house. She describes an ‘almost visible aura of hope’. Hokay.

Catherine: That’s pot smoke from your weird pedo cult, you fucking hippie. 

Annie: Bella isn’t feeling hopeful, but she needs to trick Edward so they can trick Aro, so she’s going to try to act like everything is cool.

Edward asks Bella about her visit and she tells him they had a good time. She apologizes for being gone so long and tells Edward that she picked up a Christmas gift for Renesmee. While Christmas isn’t going to be much of an event, Bella still wants to mark Renesmee’s first Christmas.  Edward wants to see what Bella bought her, so Bella digs a locket out of her purse. Bella hopes Ness will like it and Edward assures Bella that she will.

K: Infants LOVE fancy jewellery, right?

Marines: Creepy adult infants who can talk and break and enter into your mind, might. What do we know? 

Annie: Maybe it could double as an engagement gift!

Edward wants to go home, but Bella wants to practice with Emmett. Emmett is all for it,  and Bella is stressed by all the time she’s wasting by not practicing, but Edward is the man and the husband and what he says goes.

Bella is trying to stay focused on the positive, but feels like the group they have assembled needs to be able to hold their own if Jacob and Renesmee are able to escape. She’s not confident their band of vampires will be able to stand up to it. Bella tells herself it won’t be the end of the world. That while she will die and most of her vampire family will probably die, at least Renesmee will be safe. She then wonders if vampires go to heaven. (K: EL. OH. EL.)

Bella, Edward and Renesmee spend Christmas day at Charlie’s with the werewolf pack. For Christmas, Renesmee gifts include the locket from Bella, an MP3 player with all Edward’s favourite songs from Edward (M: wtf?), and a braided Quileute bracelet, which is apparently a version of a promise ring.

Edward wasn’t thrilled by the gift, but Bella didn’t care because soon she would be handing her daughter off to Jacob. So why fight the inevitable? IDK.

Catherine: GOD that’s gross. 

K: Literally everything about this is 100% NOT OKAY WTF HOW DID A PUBLISHER DECIDE THAT THIS WAS AN OKAY THING TO PUBLISH????

Mari: When I read that Edward gave her an MP3 player, I was going to make a comment about how they were gifting her like an adult, AND THEN THE PROMISE RING. 

SO, YES. ALSO: EW. 

Annie: Bella, Edward and Jacob were relieved when it was time to go because pretending to be normal and human was exhausting, especially when you have a vampire war about to break out.

Bella wonders if she’ll see Charlie again and is glad she hasn’t seen her mother since her wedding, cuz Bella is still the worst.

Actually, it’s because her mother is way too fragile for this. Not like Charlie. Apparently he’s stronger now. IDK.

Catherine: That woman raised you on her OWN you ungrateful piece of crap.

K: I love that she’s all “Oh, my mother’s been distancing herself from me since I moved to Forks”. Uh, no, girl. That’s all on you. You’re the one who chose to move to Forks. You’re the one who never replied to your mother’s emails. You’re the one who basically FORGOT that she gave you plane tickets to go visit her until Edward was all “We should use those.” That’s not on Renee at ALL.

Annie: Bella is the absolute fucking worst. Renee is better off without having to deal with her bullshit. #TeamRenee

Eddie, Jake and Bella head back to the Cullens with Renesmee sitting on Bella’s lap. There is a lot Bella wants to tell Jacob in case she gets murdered, but she doesn’t want to say these things in front of Edward.

They arrive back at the Cullens’ house where a ruckus is brewing. Apparently Alistair is gone and Amun is arguing with Carlisle and Benjamin. Carlise tells Amun that he is welcome to leave, but Amun is pissed off because half his coven wants to stay behind and accuses Carlisle of trying to steal his vampires. Benjamin tells Amun to slow his roll, he isn’t looking to join a new coven, he just wants to do the right thing. Amun is worried that they’re all gonna die, and Carlisle is saying it won’t come to a fight. I feel like we’ve had this fight already and Meyer is recycling it to up her word count or try to create tension? Either way, I’m not here for this bullshit.

Amun agrees to stay and be witness to the fact that Renesmee has grown but that he’ll fight on the side of the Volturi if that’s how he’ll survive. Amun and Kebi leave, but Edward tells Bella they’re not gone gone. Just keeping their distance.

Bella asks about Alistair, and Eddie says no one knows why he left (K: Probably because he was in introvert hell and he was sick of all y’all’s drama?), he didn’t leave a note, but he feels that it is more than likely the Volturi won’t listen and there will be a fight. Alistair believes the Volturi will use this as an excuse to add to their super vampire collection.  The gathered vamps aren’t thrilled to think that the Volturi would manipulate a situation like that except for the vampires from Romania. They are amused that everyone else wants to think well of the Volturi.

The vamps all start having side conversations and Bella chooses to eavesdrop on the Romanians’ conversation because they keep looking at her.

They’re talking about how it’s time everyone sees what the Volturi have become and maybe it’s time for a fight, because if the Volturi win and add super vamps like Bella and Benjamin to their clan, it would be bad. Now all of the vampires are eavesdropping on the vampires from Romania, who’ve decided even if they can expose and limit the Volturi, they’ll consider it a win so they will definitely fight.

Tia and Benjamin agree to fight, too, as they believe the Volturi will definitely overstep their authority. Garrett makes a joke about how this isn’t the first time he’s fought for his freedom, and oh, this makes me feel uncomfortable.

Tanya and her crew say they’ll stay and fight, and in case you weren’t sure about what the fuck is going on, here, let me quote directly from the book:

“The Romanians’ pronouncement seemed to have made the others feel the need to declare themselves as well.”

No shit. It’s the title of the damn chapter.

So let’s get to this and recap the rest of the declarations, shall we?

Peter and Charlotte, Randall and Mary are undecided. Jacob says the wolfpack is up for the fight, so is Maggie. Siobhan doesn’t want it to come to a fight, so Carlisle asks her to use her vamp super power, which is basically the Secret? She can think things into existence? (C: She what? Why don’t I remember any of this? Did my Forgetting Ray work!?) (K: All I remember about Siobhan is that Steph basically described her body as a lava lamp. So.)

Siobhan is sarcastic because she doesn’t believe that she has a super power and OMG, could this fucking chapter be any more tedious? (K: Don’t give Steph any ideas, please.)

The declarations over, Edward, Renesmee and Bella go hunting and Jacob tags along. Bella is stressing about the fight, and she freezes mid-blood drink. Edward asks what the problem is and Bella says it’s Renesmee.

Edward assures her that Renesmee is fine; she’s with Jacob in the woods. (C: He’s 100% burying her in a shallow grave.) But that wasn’t what she meant. What she meant was what if her shield’s powers don’t work and they fail against the Volturi and they fail and die and it’s all her fault?

Legit can see why Edward was confused.

Mari: BECAUSE THIS IS SO STUPIDLY WRITTEN. WHY. 

Annie: Bella is panicking because while they’ve thought she was immune to mind tricks, that’s not 100% true because Renesmee’s power works on her. She’s freaking out and Edward is calm because he’s already thought about it. Edward has two theories about this. Theory one: because Renesmee is half Bella and Bella’s brain is weird and different, so maybe Renesmee’s brain is weird, too. Bella doesn’t buy that theory, so Edward explains his second theory.  He wonders if Renesmee’s power is opposite to Bella’s power so while Bella can keep everyone out, no one can block out Renesmee’s power. Edward figures that once they’ve seen Renesmee’s thoughts, they’ll believe her. Bella’s not too excited about letting the Volturi close enough for Renesmee to ‘show’ them her story. The thought of her kid being that close to Aro stresses her out, but Edward feels that’s their only hope to make them believe.

Bella wonders if the truth will be enough to stop the Volturi and Edward has nothing to say to that.

Mari: I’m appalled at the last few chapters, to be honest. We’ve been living the same hell over and over again. There is no new information. Everyone just keeps talking about how stressed they are about this upcoming fight THAT ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN and I would like to destroy things. 

We need to finish this soon. 

Annie: I can’t stop thinking about that YouTube video defending Meyer and her books. DID YOU EVEN READ THE BOOKS, LINDSAY?

Nothing about this is good.

 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: Bella collects her fake IDs in Chapter 35.

 

Annie (all posts)

I'm a radio broadcast grad, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, and Toronto Raptors fan. Former graveyard-shift radio host and communications manager to the non-profit stars, now a freelance writer and communications advisor. I hate spoilers and weak tea.





Catherine (all posts)

I am a 25 year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





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  • Blinvy .

    I feel like Lindsay had her nostalgia goggles on during that video or like, time faded her memory of what the real criticisms were about? Like, people mocking Steph and hating on her for writing a vampire love story is stupid. People questioning her reasoning for including child grooming/pedophilia, emotional abuse, and other crap in her writing is completely legitimate. There is a difference between hating on a genre and hating the way an author handles the genre and giving criticisms based off what she wrote. Lindsay is whack on this one.

    Also..wtf is up with those gifts? WERE NONE OF THESE PEOPLE CHILDREN??? A locket, an mp3 player with adult music and a fucking promise ring?? What is wrong with all of them? They are all awful people and gross and I hate everything.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/jaMPp0PqeV7yg/giphy.gif

  • Joy

    This is sooooooooooo much time to spend on a non-event. Like, maaaybe if it was the battle of the century and people died and it was Truly Epic and all that other stuff, I could see it? I mean, probably not to this level even then, but maybe?

  • Mae

    Oh God, the promise bracelet. Tell me again how Jacob is more like a big brother to her right now, Meyer.

    I hate that they treat Renee like she’s made of glass. She somehow managed to raise a child as a single working mother meanwhile we’re continually told that Charlie couldn’t even feed himself without a woman in the kitchen. And Bella makes a point of saying that Charlie shouldn’t be denied the chance to know the only grandchild he’ll ever have. I guess Renee doesn’t deserve that.

    I love that Meyer insists all children are either half-n-half clones of their parents or the exact opposite. As opposed to how we actually share some of our traits with our folks while others are uniquely ours. But this also implies that a vampire’s psychic traits are genetic, since R got the opposite of Edward’s. You know what? Fuck it. I’m not going to untangle Meyer vs Science.

  • Kristen Tabor

    Hey now, the hippies never did anything to you to deserve that kind of abuse heaped on them.

  • The_v_from_the_sub_B

    It’s like getting the flu over and over. Soon there’s nothing left but a thin stream of bile.

  • snickerdoodles

    that darn lullaby. composer ed couldn’t write a love song for the old moo cow whom he is supposed to love more than anything on the planet. instead, he writes a song to put her to sleep. then again, bellsy wellsy asleep was probably better company. at least the never ending whining was silenced for a few hours.

    and those wonderful gifts. a locket, promise ring (barf) and an mp3 player filled with songs composer ed likes. oh joy. why not get the little demon a ball and let her toss that around instead of the silverware. or one of those newfangled inventions called a doll. instead of ed’s music, how about some kid’z bop? ya know, gifts that are actually for her.

  • Alicia

    Why does it have to be Bella’s “lullaby”? Why can’t it just be her song? It would be more romantic that way. Ugh.

    Bella doesn’t have any confidence at all in their band of vampires. While they may be outnumbered, that doesn’t always spell “dooomsday”. There have been battles where the side with less people triumphed over the side with more. It’s funny cause Meyer describes Bella as being strong in Breaking Dawn and eventually leading the vampires to victory or whatever, but Bella’s been crying and whining this whole book about how they’re all going to die, so yeah, that’s definitely the confidence of a strong, empowered woman/vamp.

    At this point, there’s so much melodrama from Bella and her being so worried about everyone dying, that it’s losing its “omg I wonder if they will all die” mystery, because most will be able to predict by now that no, probably no one is going to die. At least, no one on the Cullen’s side.

    I guess Edward gave Renesmee the mp3 player so she could have some music to listen to while she’s riding on Jacob to get away from the battle, and I just threw up a little bit.

    Okay, yeah, I get that Meyer wanted everyone to have a happy ending. Therefore, she didn’t want any of her precious Cullens or the other vampires on their side to die. So, I still think there should have been some kind of fight instead of all of this build up to nothing. Even Meyer acknowledged that she disappointed a lot of the fans, but in the end it was what she wanted, and she can’t make everyone happy. Fair enough, but at the same time, it also makes her come off as snobby. Even if Meyer had all the vampires stand in a line and each side do the macarana to see which side does it better, that’s still better than what she ended up writing.

    • snickerdoodles

      I agree about the song. It should have simply been titled Bella’s Song. twihards would have loved that. They would have been swooning over composer ed playing a song just for them.

      I think Meyer has a wierd definition of strong. Bella’s constant whining about how “we all gunna DIE!!!!!!” got real old real fast. Just like her droning on and on about how ed doesn’t love her anymore in new doom. we know edsel loved her and we know no one on team cullen is gonna die.

      I get that Meyer wanted a happy ending and no one die. Did it ever occur to her that she can write a fight (or have Bella be unconscious so she doesn’t have to write a fight scene) and have Bells wake up to cheers of “We won!” without killing any of her Cullens?

      Acknowledging she disappointed a lot of her fans and cant make everyone happy is fair enough. We know no author will please all of their fans. But Meyer spent too much of her series building up to this battle to chicken out at the end and expect everyone to go “Greatest and Bestes series finale EVAH!!!!!”

      • Alicia

        Yes, Meyer definitely did let a lot of her fans down with this one. And it is fair that she knows she can’t please everyone. BUT she could have written some kind of action scene and not had any of her Cullens die. Even that would have made fans happier than what actually happens. Only one vampire dies at the hands of the Volturi, and it’s not one of the Cullens. Even if they fought, they could have taken out a few more Volturi before Aro gets to see Renesmee’s power and that she’s not an immortal child or whatever.

  • Andrea

    Remind me again why its a bad thing if these people die? Their horrible.