This is the first of several holiday guest posts here on The Snark Squad. We will be taking a slight break from our normal routine to snark a few new things with some dear friends of ours. It’s a fun project for us and we’re pretty excited; we hope you are too.
Sweeney: Recently Once upon a time, my friends and I were out and about discussing Disney princesses, as one often does while waiting to get inside establishments where one intends to consume lots of alcohol and make unwise decisions. While we were chatting about Aurora’s failure as a feminist princess (and her general failure at being an actual character with actual depth) I started talking about the Disney crush that I have on Maleficent, who is, IMHO, the biggest BAMF in the Disney-verse.
Democracy Diva: I, on the other hand, was so off-put by Aurora’s blandness – and, more pressingly, her blondeness (sorry, Sweeney, but ugh, blonde Disney princesses are the worst) – that I haven’t seen Sleeping Beauty in about fifteen years.
S: It’s not our fault we were raised on tragically boring princesses! But, come on, Tangled? Way late in the game, but I feel like Disney finally compensated me for the decades of awful blonde princesses. (By which I basically just mean Aurora and Cinderella, but those two did some PR damage.)
Anyway, I love Sleeping Beauty — the film, not the princess. The princess is the least awesome part of that movie; all of the other major characters are really fucking cool, but she is painfully vanilla and uninteresting and probably actually bored herself to sleep, rather than that pricking her finger bullshit.
D: She certainly bores me to sleep. I could throw out my bottle of Ambien right now and just watch Sleeping Beauty to cure my insomnia, but I won’t because that shit is expensive.
S: Word. That’s just wasteful. However, Sleeping Beauty, for all of her uselessness, has the most badass villain and prince.
D: And I’ve paid the price for my prejudice against blonde princesses: it has deprived me of years of Maleficent and Prince Philip. I intend on making up for lost time.
S: I could go on for a while about how awesome Prince Philip is (HE SLAYS A DRAGON FOR HER! A DRAGON, GUYS!) and easily dedicate an entire post to Maleficent, but in listing her awesomeness (she cursed a baby because she wasn’t invited to a party, she made a completely awesome entrance when crashing said party, AND SHE TURNS INTO A DRAGON) I realized that she’s got some pretty awesome villain-style. Those horns? Lady Gaga has probably sported something like that in a concert at some point or another.
D: You’re not wrong.
She never disappoints, does she?
S: I was really just guessing, but it seemed like a safe bet.
The internet is replete with rankings of Disney’s Villains, but there is an unfortunate dearth of Disney-Villain-style-points analysis. Equally unfortunate is how little credibility I have to discuss this, being that I live in the internet. I mean, I also lived in Paris for a year, but as I learned, you don’t just acquire Parisian fabulosity by proximity.
So I had to call in a friend with a little more credibility. (D: *Giggles and flips hair*) The Democracy Diva spends her free time snarking the shit out of celebrity fashion choices, so who better to help me rate the stylishness of Disney’s villains?
D: And although she is not a part of the Disney universe, I have dressed as Bellatrix Lestrange on more than one occasion, so I feel that corroborates my expertise on the subject.
S: One of many reasons I love you. Also, I’d like to point out that I first met you when you played Madame Thenardier. FATE. I’m glad that you don’t take your daily life fashion cues from Helena Bonham Carter, though.
Anyway, with that, we bring you our totally authoritative and comprehensive analysis of Disney Villain Stylish-ness:
10) Prince John
D: Honey, those Ring Pops aren’t fooling anyone.
S: This fool is more gaudy than actually stylish, and a relatively incompetent villain. Still, he had an early appreciation for bling, which ought to count for something, right?
D: I don’t know – the only jewels in his crown are rubies and emeralds. Nary a real gem in sight – I mean, how can you even consider yourself gaudy unless you’re showing off a pink diamond? Without a pink diamond and fake eyelashes made of fox fur*, you’re basically a peasant.
*I only wish this were hyperbolic, but this is a real thing J.Lo did at the 2001 Oscars. And it would be particularly appropriate for Prince John, since Robin Hood is, you know, A FOX.
S: The fact that you know things like this is why your help was so desperately needed here.
D: I’m so glad there’s a use for all the meaningless red carpet knowledge I possess. Anyway, I think Prince John’s stylishness is pretty severely hindered by his constant thumb-sucking and the fact that his royal robes only come in red and blue. (And it’s not even royal blue, it’s CONGRATULATIONS! IT’S A BOY! blue. That’s a real color, BTW, the name was just rejected by those fascists over at Crayola because it was too long to fit on those little paper sleeves around the crayons.) I’d think someone of his wealth and station could afford a little more variety in his wardrobe, but try telling that to Kate Middleton’s endless stream of sensible coats and nude pumps.
S: At least she doesn’t suck her thumb in public?
9) Madame Medusa
D: Unlike Prince John and his gaudy semi-precious gems, Madame Medusa can appreciate the importance of a good diamond. Her signature red cocktail dress is almost shockingly Marilyn Monroe-esque (if Marilyn had cartoon tits that drooped down to her waist, that is).
Might I direct you towards your local area Victoria’s Secret, Madame Medusa? There’s this invention called “underwire” you might want to explore!
S: Maybe we can conduct a Snark Squad field trip and bring Buffy too.
D: +1. And though the blue eyeshadow/red lips combo is inadvisable on almost any woman, particularly a ginger, you can’t deny that her jade earrings are just fabulous. Any stylish redhead knows that the most flattering color she can wear is green, after all.
S: Honestly, this is the first thing I think of when I picture her. As far as I am concerned, she is on this list solely because I approve of anyone who appreciates the magic of false eyelashes.
D: As you should.
8) The Queen of Hearts
D: I fully support drag queens, but if you’re going to go drag, you can’t half-ass it. No colorful makeup? No fake lashes? Not even a hint of lipstick? Earrings and a colorblocked robe do not a Queen make, darling, drag or otherwise. But she does a lovely curtsy, I’ll give her that much.
Sweeney: It’s true; the lack of makeup and that pathetic crown really hurt her chances of making it far on this list. Plus, her single-color infatuation is ridiculous and she needs to take it down a notch/broaden her color palette.
7) The Queen from Snow White
S: Here’s a woman who, in many ways, embodies the essence of stylish villains; her quest for vanity is also what makes her a villain. Real talk: there are many aging celebrities who would happily murder a young starlet or two in their quest to stay young and fabulous.
D: I’ve heard that’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s secret to youthful skin.
S: That is probably true.
S: Unfortunately, this seems a little ill-fitting, doesn’t it? Like maybe she should have started her quest with a better wardrobe?
D: She definitely needed a belt to cinch in the waist; what’s the point of being queen if you’re using a rope as a belt instead of the bedazzled skeletons of pretty pretty princesses? But the high collar is totally stylish, even if her crown and amulet are a little lacking in razzle-dazzle.
S: The collar is fabulous. I just can’t get over that rope, though. Maybe that bedazzled skeleton belt was part of her end game? This is now part of my Snow White headcanon.
D: Headcanon is an amazing word that I’m using for forever.
S: I stole it from Buffy commenters because it’s genius.
6) Gaston
D: This just in: If Mr. Clean had a hipster boyfriend, he would look like Gaston.
S: A+
D: Seriously – he basically invented the idea of men wearing skinny pants with gaping V-necks. AND he’s wearing a belt over his long tee and leggings, because apparently he’s a sorority girl at her first frat party. But I can’t say I approve of the brown boots/black pants combo – that’s a rookie mistake, Gaston, and you’re better than that.
S: It’s a little pathetic, given that he’s another villain whose vanity was a core aspect of his villainy. Get it together.
D: Agreed. Vain villains in particular have no excuse for such half-assed wardrobe choices.
5) Lady Tremaine
S: Blonde princesses may have a long history of being mega boring before Tangled, but they were well-dressed and their nemeses would not be outdone:
D: This is all-around fabulous. The burgundy color, the accentuated shoulders, the tapered arms and cinched waist – an aging-but-fabulous Victorian-era evil stepmother would so rock this. And can we just appreciate a Disney Villain who’s worth her weight in accessories? The jade earrings and brooch are to die for (and she’s got a ring to match, it’s just not pictured here.) The blue-gray heart-shaped hair balances out her rather prominent chin, don’t you think?
S: She does have some very sharp, harsh facial features, which benefit from the large, poofy hair. I’m a big fan of this whole color scheme. Obviously this is not a look for a young upstart villain (D: in this economy, sadly, upstart villains can’t afford such luxuries), but for an established matriarch of an evil family, this look is exactly sort of tough-but-regal you should be going for.
4) Ursula
D: The epitome of a divalicious drag queen if there ever was one. I love the way she’s leaning over her shoulder as if to say to her piranhas, “Don’t talk to me while I’m putting on my face, bitches!” Ursula is over the top in all the best ways – she doesn’t skimp on the hair, makeup, or jewelry. She appreciates the value of a fabulous necklace and the power of a gorgeous singing voice – you might say she’s my role model.
S: And a fine choice of role model at that. I have nothing to add here. Just a general +1 to all of the above. (Except the role model part, because I’ve already expressed my fangirly, exclamation pointed love for my villain role model.)
3) Yzma
D: The hair, the lashes, the feathers, and the magnificent statement earrings – this is a villain who can dress. Unlike her peers who get by merely on their accessories, Yzma’s clearly got a closet full of fantastic evening gowns worthy of the Met Gala. The shoes are disappointing – I know she’s already tall, but a dress this dramatic demands a higher heel, don’t you think?
S: Absolutely. I also respect the way that in addition to being fabulous, she also makes sure to really get her point across with the look. The whole thing clearly screams, “I am fabulous and also evil. Don’t forget the evil part.”
D: It’s the spindly fingers and long red talon-like nails that seal the evil deal for me.
2) Cruella
D: True life: I WANT THAT CIGARETTE HOLDER. In those colors. Preferably with the matching ring and earrings. Man, our Disney villains really love their jade, huh? What is that about?
S: I’m intrigued by this animation decision. “You know what really makes someone look evil? Jade accessories.”
D: Anyway, you can’t deny that Cruella has an uncannily strong sense of style – her signature two-tone hair is practically iconic, and she’s almost as big a fur proponent as Anna Wintour. Come to think of it, Cruella would look quite at home sitting at some fabulous desk at Vogue, at least before they stopped letting people smoke inside the Conde Nast building.
S: She’s also the final entrant on this list whose vanity is core to her being, you know, evil. However, unlike her peers, she beat them out by being so much more committed to her cause. It’s not enough to just round up and murder puppies, fellow villains. You’ve got to make sure your work really means something in the end. It’s all in the perfect details, really.
D: Only the truly fabulous can leave a legacy, after all.
1) Maleficent
S: I LOVE THIS EVIL BITCH SO MUCH AND I’M SO HAPPY I GET TO TURN MY CAPSLOCK BACK ON NOW:
D: I don’t share Sweeney’s lifelong obsession with Maleficent, but at least I’m starting to understand it. All jokes aside, the pops of hot pink on either side of the gown (cape? robe? whatever, it’s perfection), and popping out of the sleeves? That is beautiful. Seriously, those are the kind of incredible little details I look for in red carpet fashion. I’ve seen starlets try and make statements like this on the red carpet – a horrific memory of Nicki Minaj as some sort of nun comes to mind – but nobody comes close to mastering this high priestess/high fashion thing, save for Maleficent.
Don’t try this at home. Unless you are Maleficent.
S: I mean, we all knew that this is how this list ended, right? There wasn’t even a real contest here.
D: I used to think Cruella would win this hands-down, but Sweeney has made me see the light.
S: I mean seriously, +1 to everything you just said, and also, LOOK HOW FIERCE SHE IS. She looks effortlessly awesome, and also like she can maybe turn into a dragon and spit fire at your boyfriend while still looking fabulous. Sorry, I’ll calm down now.
D: Don’t! That’s what the red carpet is missing – more starlets transforming into fire-spitting dragons! Actually, let’s nix that idea before Lady Gaga gets a hold of it. I don’t want to be liable for her literally exploding at next year’s Grammys.
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Many thanks to The Democracy Diva for her assistance and general fabulosity. Go to democracydiva.com to read her awesomely snarky fashion blog. Today we have a double dose of Disney fashion joint-blogging, with a post on actual Disney inspired gowns on her blog. You should check it out.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
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