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After Chapter 32 – Hardin is the Kool-Aid Man.

by Samantha April 18, 2017 After
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Okay well here I go. To recap Tessa and Hardin alone in a room at night again. With sex implications in the terribly written text. Alright. Here we go. Oh, wait, man, have I asked how you all are recently? Anything new?

Marines: Just rip the bandaid off, girl. This garbage fire has 90-something chapters.

Samantha: …….fine. According to my Kindle app we’re only 26% done.

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After Chapter 31 – Don’t try this at home.

by Marines April 18, 2017 After
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Tessa tries to take a step back from Hardin, but “his grip is too strong.” We’re going to totally ignore her lack of bodily autonomy in this very moment because she’s so! shocked! and! over! whelmed! that Hardin just said he wants to be good. If it is THIS SHOCKING that someone has set the pretty mid-level bar of being good, perhaps don’t date that person. #SnarkLadyAdvice (S: #MaybeLiterallySavesLivesInThisCase.)

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 18 – The bloody Quentin Tarantino chapter.

by Catherine April 14, 2017 Books
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Welcome to the bloody Quentin Tarantino Chapter of Breaking Dawn, also known as nope, nope, fucking no, nope.

The title of this chapter is ‘There are no words for this‘. Aptly named. I’m still not sure that prepares us all for what is to come in this chapter, but I’m doing my best.

Kirsti: Come, friends. Let us gather around the Snark Lady Booze Cupboard and drink its full contents before proceeding with this abomination of a chapter.

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After Chapter 30 – Is this scene over yet?

by Marines April 11, 2017 After
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I’mma just preface this with I hate this mother fucking douche so much.

Hardin and Tessa go sit on the patio. Tessa says that his touch is literally burning her skin so someone get this girl some ice.

Marines: That’s an allergic reaction, not romance, baby girl.

Samantha: Tessa tries to muster her harsh tone so, we’ll see how long that lasts.

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After Chapter 29 – Boo-boos.

by Marines April 11, 2017 After
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[…]

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 17 – Brainless and Heartless

by Catherine April 10, 2017 Books
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I feel like you guys aren’t even going to believe this chapter name but I am here to faithfully report it: What Do I Look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.

The drama is real. Also, I’m not convinced Jacob has a brain or a heart so…

Kirsti: Neither. Neither is good. (Seriously though – that chapter title is fucking ridiculous. No wonder this book is seven trillion pages long…)

Annie: Everything about this is ridiculous, so at least Meyer is staying on message?

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After Chapter 28 – What is the male form of mistress?

by Marines April 4, 2017 After
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The chapter opens with Noah remarking that Hardin was pretty pleasant and not so bad, because Noah has never interacted with people, ever. Tessa starts thinking about the time she cheated on her boyfriend and crawls into said boyfriend’s lap to find the fire again. He tries to push her off and asks what she’s doing. Tessa gets embarrassed and says she wants to make out and Noah responds “Okay?” question mark included, so I’m feeling unsure about consent here. I continue to feel uncomfortable when Tessa starts to rock her hips against his and Noah stops her and she moves his hands and keeps doing it.

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After Chapter 27 – A new outlook on makeup.

by Marines April 4, 2017 After
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Tessa is showered and composed by the time Steph gets back from the movies. She kind of wants to tell Steph about what happened (meaning the rubbing and kissing), but she also kind of doesn’t want anyone to know. She makes a joke about how Hardin was his usual charming self and Steph looks at her real concerned. (S: Keep being concerned, girl.) The (brilliant as always) comments from last week got into how awful it would be to have a boyfriend who was an asshole to everyone but you. That is so damn true. I mean, why would you even want to be with someone who treated literfeally everyone like trash?

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After Chapter 26 – Hate on, brats.

by Marines March 28, 2017 After
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Oh boy. Here we go.

Tessa tells us that Hardin’s hand is on her thigh and she hopes he never moves it. Sounds like an awkward way to live but okay. She studies his tattoos, making special note of an infinity symbol on his wrist. Apparently she’s a tattoo whisperer (M: lol) because she knows that this one is extra special to him. He asks her what kind of food she likes, and Tessa takes a moment to let us know how refreshing it is that he asked her a normal question.

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After Chapter 25 – HIGH ALERT.

by Marines March 28, 2017 After
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Okay, Hardin has Tessa in his car 90% against her will and we don’t know where he is taking her. Everyone, we are on HIGH ALERT.

Samantha:

Captain Kirk is worried.

Mari: As he should be!

First up: Hardin takes Tessa down a gravel road and turns off the music so that she can hear all the little stones crunching beneath the tires. Tessa realizes that they are very, very alone, away from people and building and cars and also police. I added the last thing. HIGH ALERT remains; this seems awful murder-y.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 16 – Peak FUBAR

by Catherine March 14, 2017 Books
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Jacob wakes up (-_-) on the floor when Edward decides that it’s time to cool Bella down. He heads out with Leah to do “the deep run” while Seth stays on patrol. They don’t find anything. I just recapped 3 pages. You’re welcome.

Marines: I love these reminders that this is way too many words to describe boring crap and utter horrors. 

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 15 – Building up to baby love

by Catherine March 13, 2017 Books
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The title of this chapter is ‘Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock’, which is appropriate because I can feel my life slipping away as I read it. (K: Samesies.) (A: Ditto.)

We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it’s because, although Leah is ‘trying hard’ to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn’t like the vampires and she doesn’t like Jake and Seth’s friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it’s because he understands her hostility better now.

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After Chapter 24 – Very pure intentions.

by Samantha March 7, 2017 After
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So Tessa can’t focus on studying and decides to try a shower. Showers are a sort of magic so it helps relax her, and she realizes that she’s nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. I mean, can you believe it? She’s nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin! Wow.

Marines: She “realizes” this even though we’ve suffered through 24 what-are-chapters of her being nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. This girl is 139 characters short of a full Tweet.

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After Chapter 23 – If you can’t say vagina, you can’t have vagina.

by Marines March 7, 2017 After
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Tessa meets with Landon to study. She tells us that it took her an hour to organize all her notes after Hardin threw them around LIKE A DICK. I’m convinced that you can add LIKE A DICK to any action Hardin takes and it’s 100% accurate. (S: This shall be fun.) Tessa wants to tell Landon about it but “I don’t want him to think badly of me.” Ummmmm, why would he think badly of you after some jerk threw around your stuff? (S: Yup, this reeks of victim blaming mentality.)

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 14 – New pants saga

by Annie March 7, 2017 Books
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Jacob returns to the Cullens’ house to find Edward has left out a set of clothes for him. He takes the clothes that reek of vampire back to the forest to make sure Edward hasn’t played a trick on him or given him ladies clothes or something. Because cross dressing is both HILARIOUS and something to be embarrassed and ashamed about. Haha, lol.

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