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Breaking Dawn Chapter 16 – Peak FUBAR

by Catherine March 14, 2017 Books
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Jacob wakes up (-_-) on the floor when Edward decides that it’s time to cool Bella down. He heads out with Leah to do “the deep run” while Seth stays on patrol. They don’t find anything. I just recapped 3 pages. You’re welcome.

Marines: I love these reminders that this is way too many words to describe boring crap and utter horrors. 

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 15 – Building up to baby love

by Catherine March 13, 2017 Books
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The title of this chapter is ‘Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock’, which is appropriate because I can feel my life slipping away as I read it. (K: Samesies.) (A: Ditto.)

We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it’s because, although Leah is ‘trying hard’ to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn’t like the vampires and she doesn’t like Jake and Seth’s friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it’s because he understands her hostility better now.

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After Chapter 24 – Very pure intentions.

by Samantha March 7, 2017 After
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So Tessa can’t focus on studying and decides to try a shower. Showers are a sort of magic so it helps relax her, and she realizes that she’s nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. I mean, can you believe it? She’s nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin! Wow.

Marines: She “realizes” this even though we’ve suffered through 24 what-are-chapters of her being nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. This girl is 139 characters short of a full Tweet.

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After Chapter 23 – If you can’t say vagina, you can’t have vagina.

by Marines March 7, 2017 After
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Tessa meets with Landon to study. She tells us that it took her an hour to organize all her notes after Hardin threw them around LIKE A DICK. I’m convinced that you can add LIKE A DICK to any action Hardin takes and it’s 100% accurate. (S: This shall be fun.) Tessa wants to tell Landon about it but “I don’t want him to think badly of me.” Ummmmm, why would he think badly of you after some jerk threw around your stuff? (S: Yup, this reeks of victim blaming mentality.)

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 14 – New pants saga

by Annie March 7, 2017 Books
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Jacob returns to the Cullens’ house to find Edward has left out a set of clothes for him. He takes the clothes that reek of vampire back to the forest to make sure Edward hasn’t played a trick on him or given him ladies clothes or something. Because cross dressing is both HILARIOUS and something to be embarrassed and ashamed about. Haha, lol.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 13 – Wolves and their shorts.

by Catherine March 6, 2017 Books
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Hi, hello there! I’m back from 1- Three business trips in a month 2- moving into a new apartment in a nearby city 3- CATCHING THE FLU and 4- having Breaking Dawn be number 247 on my list of overall priorities. Luckily for you all (?), I missed you guys and so here we are.

Annie: I don’t know if I’d use ‘lucky’ and Breaking Dawn in the same sentence, but let’s do this. 

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 12 – Blood drinking for beginners

by Catherine January 25, 2017 Books
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This chapter is titled “Some people just don’t grasp the concept of unwelcome.” Yeah, and one of those people is Stephenie Meyer in publishing this abomination of a book.

Ahem.

Catherine: We can high five on that.

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After Chapter 22 – Creepy response

by Marines January 24, 2017 After
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Hokay so, Tessa is getting ready to go to her first class of the day. I read the last chapter and I still have no idea time wise how we got here but it’s a new day so I am not poking it. Landon is waiting for her and they start heading to class, you know, the one that Hardin is also in. Landon asks after Tessa’s weekend and she says it was terrible. She asks him how his GF, Dakota, is and he becomes really happy and starts talking about her.

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After Chapter 21 – The fire does not arrive.

by Marines January 24, 2017 After
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Tessa tells us that breakfast with her mom and Noah is going agonizingly slow. Like, no kidding baby girl, you got super drunk after 20 minutes last night and spent all night walking in circles (probably, because there is no other explanation).

Samantha: Eat some eggs and start an caffeine drip, Tessa. There is no other way, apparently.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 11 – Everyone gets a baby.

by Catherine January 23, 2017 Books
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Already going into this chapter, I can see a lot of wolf thoughts in italics and I hate this narrative device so much for some reason. (K: SAAAAAME.) You may remember that the last chapter ended with Jacob refusing a direct order from Sam, the Alpha wolf, and then crumpling on the ground. I believe those of us in the Pick Up Artist community refer to that as a ‘beta cuck’.

This is supposed to be this big build up from New Moon for us to finally see what happens when a wolf actually refuses the command of their Alpha but I don’t care about… any of this so.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 10 – Wife-sharing hero

by Annie January 18, 2017 Books
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I’d like to point out that the name of this chapter really sums up our journey through this series: “Why didn’t I just walk away? Oh right. Because I’m an idiot.”

Kirsti: I will solidly take the blame for suggesting that we continue with this trainwreck of a series after finishing book 1. Sorry, ladies. I regret that decision more than I regret any other decision in my life, including the time I thought it would be a good idea to eat three huge helpings of pie and I threw up all over my parents’ bathroom.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 09 – This is a real book?

by Catherine January 17, 2017 Books
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The brilliant title of this chapter is, “sure as hell didn’t see that one coming.” There is a vampire sperm/mystical pregnancy joke in there and this is me making it.

Catherine: Omg. Mari, WHY?!?

Kirsti: -_- Pass the brain bleach, please.

Annie: Nope, sorry. I used it all last chapter.

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After Chapter 20 – Why won’t this night end?

by Marines January 17, 2017 After
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You guys I just want this night to end. Was there ever another plot to this story? I feel like one party night bled into another party night and now we’re trapped in a college party hellscape.

Tessa is walking away from the frat house at 4 am. I kind of refuse to believe that a taxi service isn’t 24 hours in a college town but okay. She walks for an HOUR AND A HALF and omg I’m so exhausted thinking about it. How the heck far away was this frat house? (M: Ah, yes, the across town frat house. Classic.) She finally reaches campus and stop into 7-Eleven for “a cup.” IDK maybe it’s because I’m not a coffee drinker but I was hella confused over what the heck she meant.

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After Chapter 19 – Hardly and softly.

by Marines January 17, 2017 After
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Tessa and Hardin are kissing, and she describes his warm tongue and cold lip ring. She also makes sure to let us know that she doesn’t really know what’s she’s doing here, lest we think her a hussy, with all the kissing and all. (S: Wow this is just a painful block of a paragraph.) She goes on in detail about Hardin pulling her back on his bed and how this is just such a wonderful moment until she remembers Noah.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 08 – Nopesville, pop. 4 Snark Ladies

by Catherine January 16, 2017 Books
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Lucky, lucky me. We change to Jacob’s perspective for the middle chunk of the book. JOY.

Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella’s perspective is Jacob’s perspective. 

Annie: See, I’d completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it’s still written by SMeyer.

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