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Breaking Dawn Chapter 12 – Blood drinking for beginners

by Catherine January 25, 2017 Books
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This chapter is titled “Some people just don’t grasp the concept of unwelcome.” Yeah, and one of those people is Stephenie Meyer in publishing this abomination of a book.

Ahem.

Catherine: We can high five on that.

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After Chapter 22 – Creepy response

by Marines January 24, 2017 After
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Hokay so, Tessa is getting ready to go to her first class of the day. I read the last chapter and I still have no idea time wise how we got here but it’s a new day so I am not poking it. Landon is waiting for her and they start heading to class, you know, the one that Hardin is also in. Landon asks after Tessa’s weekend and she says it was terrible. She asks him how his GF, Dakota, is and he becomes really happy and starts talking about her.

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After Chapter 21 – The fire does not arrive.

by Marines January 24, 2017 After
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Tessa tells us that breakfast with her mom and Noah is going agonizingly slow. Like, no kidding baby girl, you got super drunk after 20 minutes last night and spent all night walking in circles (probably, because there is no other explanation).

Samantha: Eat some eggs and start an caffeine drip, Tessa. There is no other way, apparently.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 11 – Everyone gets a baby.

by Catherine January 23, 2017 Books
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Already going into this chapter, I can see a lot of wolf thoughts in italics and I hate this narrative device so much for some reason. (K: SAAAAAME.) You may remember that the last chapter ended with Jacob refusing a direct order from Sam, the Alpha wolf, and then crumpling on the ground. I believe those of us in the Pick Up Artist community refer to that as a ‘beta cuck’.

This is supposed to be this big build up from New Moon for us to finally see what happens when a wolf actually refuses the command of their Alpha but I don’t care about… any of this so.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 10 – Wife-sharing hero

by Annie January 18, 2017 Books
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I’d like to point out that the name of this chapter really sums up our journey through this series: “Why didn’t I just walk away? Oh right. Because I’m an idiot.”

Kirsti: I will solidly take the blame for suggesting that we continue with this trainwreck of a series after finishing book 1. Sorry, ladies. I regret that decision more than I regret any other decision in my life, including the time I thought it would be a good idea to eat three huge helpings of pie and I threw up all over my parents’ bathroom.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 09 – This is a real book?

by Catherine January 17, 2017 Books
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The brilliant title of this chapter is, “sure as hell didn’t see that one coming.” There is a vampire sperm/mystical pregnancy joke in there and this is me making it.

Catherine: Omg. Mari, WHY?!?

Kirsti: -_- Pass the brain bleach, please.

Annie: Nope, sorry. I used it all last chapter.

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After Chapter 20 – Why won’t this night end?

by Marines January 17, 2017 After
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You guys I just want this night to end. Was there ever another plot to this story? I feel like one party night bled into another party night and now we’re trapped in a college party hellscape.

Tessa is walking away from the frat house at 4 am. I kind of refuse to believe that a taxi service isn’t 24 hours in a college town but okay. She walks for an HOUR AND A HALF and omg I’m so exhausted thinking about it. How the heck far away was this frat house? (M: Ah, yes, the across town frat house. Classic.) She finally reaches campus and stop into 7-Eleven for “a cup.” IDK maybe it’s because I’m not a coffee drinker but I was hella confused over what the heck she meant.

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After Chapter 19 – Hardly and softly.

by Marines January 17, 2017 After
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Tessa and Hardin are kissing, and she describes his warm tongue and cold lip ring. She also makes sure to let us know that she doesn’t really know what’s she’s doing here, lest we think her a hussy, with all the kissing and all. (S: Wow this is just a painful block of a paragraph.) She goes on in detail about Hardin pulling her back on his bed and how this is just such a wonderful moment until she remembers Noah.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 08 – Nopesville, pop. 4 Snark Ladies

by Catherine January 16, 2017 Books
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Lucky, lucky me. We change to Jacob’s perspective for the middle chunk of the book. JOY.

Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella’s perspective is Jacob’s perspective. 

Annie: See, I’d completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it’s still written by SMeyer.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 07 – The Mystical Pregnancy

by Catherine January 10, 2017 Books
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Yet another chapter begins with Bella’s fake psychic dreams. I’m not gonna recap this one and waste your precious time. Just imagine heavy-handed descriptions about dark “ruby eyes” and another vampire child and you’ve got the gist of it. Or just read the rest of these recaps and then go back and imagine that Bella had a dream that vaguely predicted the plot of the story for reasons that are never explained and never come up again.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 06 – You’re getting very sleepy.

by Catherine January 7, 2017 Books
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Edward is sticking to his guns and refusing to have sex with Bella again as long as she’s human. Which is tricky cuz Bella can’t get enough of the sparkle peen and wants it bad.

Marines: Oh my goodness, you mean we are still denying Bella any fulfillment of her sexual desires with a ring on it? Color me shocked.

Kirsti: Whaaaaaaat?? I NEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS TURN OF EVENTS.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 05 – Facing the unknown

by Catherine January 6, 2017 Books
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[…]

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 04 – A wild tension appears!

by Catherine January 5, 2017 Books
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Bella tells us that the wedding flows smoothly into the reception which starts AT TWILIGHT. I see what you did there, SMeyer. You’re not even remotely subtle.

Anyway, apparently there are “another ten thousand flowers” outside with the marquee and dance floor, and I really hope that’s an exaggeration because that is a fuckton of flowers. If it’s not exaggeration, I hope they sent out antihistamines with the invitations…

Marines: There are only like 10 humans there and no one cares about them anyway.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 03 – Fucking snowflakes

by Catherine January 4, 2017 Books
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So, Bella wakes up from another of her dumb psychic nightmares that are never explained and she’s immediately pissed at herself for having such a disturbing dream the night before her wedding. Um, okay.

Annie: If I was marrying Edward, I’d be having nightmares, too.

Catherine: Fair.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 02 – Open-eyed kissing

by Annie January 3, 2017 Books
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We open this chapter with Bella and Edward whinging about having to be apart between ‘hot’ makeout sessions. Bella tells us how hard it is for her to remember Edward is a vampire. Not because he’s so perfect and wonderful, but because he shows such restraint for not ripping her throat out and drinking all her delicious blood until she’s dead, dead, dead. (K: Shame.)

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