snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Sweet Valley High

Meet Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield. Tan, blonde, All-American and blessed with perfect size six asses. If you read any of these books when you were younger, chances are you remember Liz being perfect and Jess being fun. How cute to be young and naive.

Liz is actually a nosey doormat and Jess is a psychopath. With that in mind, join the Snark Ladies as they navigate the world of Sweet Valley High, a place where there is a dance every week, people get kidnapped all the time, comas are not quite as rare as you’d imagine, and we call on the Youth Mauling Bear to come regulate quite often. Because they deserve it.

Sweet Valley High #013 “Kidnapped” – It’s not as bad as you think.

by Marines August 24, 2012 Childhood Trauma
Thumbnail image for Sweet Valley High #013 “Kidnapped” – It’s not as bad as you think.

[…]

Read more →

Sweet Valley High #014 “Deceptions” – Possible crime.

by Marines February 27, 2014 Books
Thumbnail image for Sweet Valley High #014 “Deceptions” – Possible crime.

It’s been a while, dear friends, since we visited the great and wonderful world of Sweet Valley. Things have changed a lot around here, but we never forget that this blog was created for the purpose of snarking the terrible books we read as kids.

Despite the fact that months have separated our last SVH recap and this one, we are actually picking up right where we left off. (S: It’s really rude that they don’t anticipate and respect our erratic blogging schedule.) Elizabeth Wakefield is enjoying her It’s Really Cool You Aren’t Kidnapped Anymore Party and a young man named Nicholas Morrow has just arrived.

Read more →

Sweet Valley High #015 “Promises” – Shared milk.

by Laura Shank December 1, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Sweet Valley High #015 “Promises” – Shared milk.

Okay, here we go. I haven’t read a SVH book in about 15 years, but I do remember that I was slightly obsessed with Jessica because I am a complete and utter nerdy Elizabeth and I thought Jess was SO COOL DUDE.

Marines: If nothing else, I hope this experiment changes your mind about Jessica because that bitch is CRAZY.

Laura: One paragraph in, I’m immediately told the girls have large blue-green eyes! As if I could ever forget. And Tricia is dying, for realz this time.

Read more →