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Fifty Shades Freed

Apologetic Stalker Boyfriend

by Sweeney July 17, 2013 Books
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Fifty Shades Freed At A Glance

by Sweeney October 30, 2013 Books
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With the third and final book now behind us, it’s time to take one last, overarching look at just how stupid it really was, from the insane word counts produced by ELJ’s limited grasp of the English language, to the nonsensical pacing in a book originally written as serialized fanfiction by someone without a proper understanding of “plot” or “reality.”

Lorraine: We often marveled at how much bad E.L. James managed to stuff into her series, but because we spread our recaps out over so many weeks, we’re afraid our readers lose sight of just how horrible this material really is.

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 01 – Awkward Airlines

by Sweeney April 24, 2013 Fifty Shades Freed
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Sweeney: It’s here, Traumateers! The beginning of the end! I feel like I can see the glorious light at the end of this shit tunnel.

Lorraine: While Sweeney and I were in California, during our goodbye brunch, we had a serious 15-20 minute conversation about the end of Fifty Shades, the amount of time we invested in it and how weird/awesome it will be when we’re done. Thinking of the end gives me something like nauseous nostalgia. It’s weird.

Sweeney: Before we dive into the nauseous nostalgia, the book begins with a page of thanks to various people who helped bring this book into being.

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 02 – Sensual threats.

by Marines May 1, 2013 Fifty Shades Freed
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Ana knows she’s in deep trouble because she’s topless on a European beach. Grey picks up her bikini top, throws it at her and hisses for her to get dressed. Ana tries to tell him that no one is looking, on account of this being A EUROPEAN BEACH but she’s Ana Freakin’ Steele so of course people are looking at her magical boobs. I’m sure a rainbow can be found between them and there is a unicorn that rides back and forth in merry bliss. Ooooor, Grey is a possessive asshole and no one else in the world gives any shits about Ana’s boobs. Either or.

Sweeney: I always struggle with these multiple choice quizzes.

Lor: I make them difficult on purpose.

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 03 – How about a shave?

by Sweeney May 8, 2013 Books
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Someone mentioned in a comment how illogical these chapter-to-chapter not-cliffhangers are in this book, because it’s not like someone reading this book is going to wait in suspense for days. I’m only bringing it up now because I’m about 99% certain that this “writing” choice is most likely the product of the fact that this was originally Twilight fanfiction, where readers did have to wait for her next abysmal installment. Consider this your semi-regular reminder of that fact and also that the world is unfair.

My personal headcanon of Ana’s shock and horror upon looking in the mirror was an existential crisis of sorts, in which she realized what a tragedy it was that she exists. Or fictionally exists. The actual reason? Hickeys.

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 04 – Oppression

by Marines May 15, 2013 Books
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Grey has been locked away in the study for over an hour so naturally Ana doesn’t even know what to do with her self. She’s tried reading, watching TV and sunbathing, though she’s sure to tell us it’s full dressed sunbathing. I don’t even know what that means. Probably sunbathing in a parka, because what else screams “abuse victim on a vacation!”

Sweeney: It’s amusing when Ana “tries” to do things other than be around Christian Grey because this, like many other things in this series, is something that she talks about doing — she often tells us of her arduous efforts to DO things at the “stressful” moments in her narrative, but she almost never actually does much of anything besides wait for Christian Grey to tell her what to do.

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 05 – Good morning.

by Sweeney May 22, 2013 Books
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Ana wakes up to find Grey gone-but-not-really because he was just, you know, casually sitting in the arm chair watching her sleep. He tells her not to panic, speaking to her “like a cornered, wild animal,” which is either a commentary on Ana’s lack of intelligence or the fact that waking up to Christian Grey watching you sleep is terrifying. Maybe both. Isn’t this how you’d like to start your days?

Lorraine: Absolutely not. I can’t even joke about this shit; that is terrifying.

…but I like that he’s wearing GRAY! pants. A+

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 06 – EL James Approved.

by Marines May 29, 2013 Books
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Sweeney and I have developed a sort of unofficial game when it comes to handing off chapters. Mostly it involves pointing and laughing at whatever atrocities the other person has to endure. I mean, we’re totally friends and everything, but you can’t deny the little bit of satisfaction that comes when your chapter fades on sex and you think, “YES. I AM SPARED.” That all said, Sweeney is currently winning this game because her chapter ended riiight before our two main idiots decide to head back into the Red Womb of Domestic Violence.

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 07 – Losing Forever

by Sweeney June 5, 2013 Books
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The actual end to the last chapter, after all the anal lube, was Grey showing Ana the security footage of the arsonist. Ana insta-recognizes the arsonist as Jack Strobe-Light-Eyed-Rapey-Boss Hyde, but we are unimpressed because the cheatery narration practically told us he did it before it happened. Like, that stupid epilogue to book two might as well have been, “And then I lit Grey’s office on fire! While he was out of town! A completely ineffectual attack, because gross incompetence is the thing we all have in common in these books!”

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 08 – It’s whatever.

by Marines June 12, 2013 Books
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I always find it amusing when I feel compelled to start a recap by reminding you all of some plot point or other. Most of the time it’s because it’s some random shit that wouldn’t qualify as a plot point anywhere outside of the Fifty Shades series. For instance, please do recall that the architect designing the new Grey house has come to visit the Greys… and she’s a woman!

I KNOW, GUYS. How could I think you would forget such a shocking turn of events, in which a woman is a woman near or around Grey?!

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 09 – A Proper Bullshit Metric

by Sweeney June 19, 2013 Books
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Sweeney: The chapter begins with Ana waking up to being physically smothered not-quite-to-death by Grey. She notes that he is “so needy on some level.” LOL, you think? This makes her think of baby!Grey just for your chapter-beginning pedobear EW moment. She wakes him up and he blinks a couple of times. I imagine that we are told about people blinking as many times in these three books as in the whole rest of literature.

Lorraine: I like that comparing these books to the whole rest of literature has become a thing. It really gives scope to the bullshit.

Sweeney: That’s what we’re all about: giving everyone a proper bullshit metric.

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 10 – Damned if you’re killed, damned if you’re not.

by Marines June 26, 2013 Books
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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 11 – A Pile of Rocks

by Sweeney July 3, 2013 Fifty Shades
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Picking up exactly where the last chapter left off (only ELJ would try to use the protagonist’s husband waiting for her as a chapter-ending curbhanger) Ana’s whispermurmurchokes about Grey having been waiting for in THOSE PANTS that hang on his hips in THAT WAY. She asks herself a lot of stupid questions.

Grey has hung his pants from his hips in that extra-special way in order to sexy distract Ana.

His sexy distraction is described with words like “stalk” which sounds about right. He printed out the email that she sent him — you know, that eight seconds where she had a spine and explained her very legitimate issue with him flying back to Seattle because she fucking got a drink with a friend?

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 12 – Same abuse, new tricks.

by Marines July 10, 2013 Books
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Ana starts us off by confirming that no, she did not know where her husband was born. That’s usually the stuff you learn in like week 2 or 3 of dating, right about the time Grey and Ana were signing contracts or, I don’t know, getting married.

Grey tells Ana that he and Elliot were both born and adopted in Detroit. The Greys moved to Seattle shortly thereafter. Ana wants to know how Grey knows that Jack was born in Detroit.

Oh, this is a serious question? Girl, you are seriously asking how MF STALKER BOYFRIEND knew where Jack was born? Even Grey is all, “um, duh.” as he shares that he had a background check run on Jack.

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