Fifty Shades of Grey

Anastasia Steele is seriously mentally unwell, proven by the fact that there are multiple people speaking to her in her head, and sometimes she sees projections of them, their facial expressions, their dance moves, and their wardrobe. Ana suffers from crippling low self-esteem issues, is a horrible friend and spends most of the book hating any other females she comes in contact with.

Christian Grey is a CREEP, but one with a lot of money. He stalks Ana, manipulates her, hits her (oh, but it’s BDSM! LOL!) threatens her and also takes out her tampon for reasons we truly cannot explain. He controls every moment of Ana’s life, makes decisions for her, uses sex as a weapon, and makes her cry more times than we care to count. Why anyone in the world finds him attractive is beyond us.

Ana and Grey don’t really speak to each other that much, so we aren’t sure they have anything in common other than writing emails that would annoy any person living in the 21st century. When they are together, they mostly talk about sex in terms a school aged kid would use, because saying the word “vagina” is TOTALLY EMBARRASSING AM I RIGHT?

E.L. James’ writing makes us want to destroy innocent things. Her characters are constantly murmuring, whispering, muttering and sputtering, and we have a feeling it’s some reflection of what happens in her head. Some of the least erotic things we’ve ever read in our lives are featured in this erotic novel. We like to account for all tastes though, so if constant mentions of children near or around sex, sharing toothbrushes, vomit, and period blood are your thing, Fifty Shades of Grey is for you.

Fifty Shades Darker || Fifty Shades Freed