snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Fifty Shades of Grey

Anastasia Steele is seriously mentally unwell, proven by the fact that there are multiple people speaking to her in her head, and sometimes she sees projections of them, their facial expressions, their dance moves, and their wardrobe. Ana suffers from crippling low self-esteem issues, is a horrible friend and spends most of the book hating any other females she comes in contact with.

Christian Grey is a CREEP, but one with a lot of money. He stalks Ana, manipulates her, hits her (oh, but it’s BDSM! LOL!) threatens her and also takes out her tampon for reasons we truly cannot explain. He controls every moment of Ana’s life, makes decisions for her, uses sex as a weapon, and makes her cry more times than we care to count. Why anyone in the world finds him attractive is beyond us.

Ana and Grey don’t really speak to each other that much, so we aren’t sure they have anything in common other than writing emails that would annoy any person living in the 21st century. When they are together, they mostly talk about sex in terms a school aged kid would use, because saying the word “vagina” is TOTALLY EMBARRASSING AM I RIGHT?

E.L. James’ writing makes us want to destroy innocent things. Her characters are constantly murmuring, whispering, muttering and sputtering, and we have a feeling it’s some reflection of what happens in her head. Some of the least erotic things we’ve ever read in our lives are featured in this erotic novel. We like to account for all tastes though, so if constant mentions of children near or around sex, sharing toothbrushes, vomit, and period blood are your thing, Fifty Shades of Grey is for you.

Fifty Shades Darker || Fifty Shades Freed

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 01: My eyes are totally rolling in exasperation.

by Marines May 3, 2012 Books

I knew precious little about the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series when I picked it up– mostly that it had been appearing all over my Goodreads timeline and that it seemed to have a polarizing effect on readers.

I probably should’ve paid more attention to the, you know, description.

It was the very first page of the book that convinced me that this story was begging to be snarked: it opened with a girl checking herself out in a mirror! Aw, E.L. James. Way to take a page out of 90% of all Sweet Valley High books ever written.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 02: Hardware stores make me intense.

by Marines May 4, 2012 Books

Ana hurries off the elevator, eager to get away from Grey, and almost falls. Again. I’m trying really hard here not to make the SHE IS BELLA SWAN observation, but I guess I just failed. Beyond that, I’m always very confused by authors who want to make their characters clumsy. I mean, I’m clumsy! I am. But it just always comes across so heavy handed in books. Ana just fell Bambi-style in Grey’s office. Did we need her tripping off of an elevator a few pages later?

Ana tells us no less than four times that she has no idea what her reaction to Grey was all about. Well Ana, my personal opinion is that your reaction to Grey was all about you being an idiot. I guess we were supposed to glean that she was having a strong reaction to being around him. It’s probably ’cause he’s got all that built up static electricity.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 03: It’s a good thing I can drink legally.

by Marines May 5, 2012 Books

Ana calls Kate with the photo shoot news and Kate’s very excited. She’s also convinced that Grey’s intentions are more than just a helping out the newspaper. Kate’s all, “isn’t it kind of weird that he followed you all the way to where you work and gave you his cell phone number?” Yes. Yes it is.

Ana regurgitates Grey’s “I was in the area” thing and I can just imagine Kate rolling her eyes.

I didn’t mention this in chapter 2, but Ana keeps telling us about this “small, quiet voice” in her head. Actually, she told us specifically that this voice was coming from the base of her brain in the medulla oblongata where her subconscious lives, because E.L. James wants to make sure you have all the details, ever. And, I know we all have conscious thought but her voice is kind of creepy and it’s always whispering things.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 04: Let’s all just vomit, okay?

by Marines May 8, 2012 Books

Lorraine: Ana and Grey are hugging post Bicycle Gate. Ana’s suddenly convinced that she’s a telepath, as she’s sending some very intense, “KISS ME DAMN IT,” thoughts towards Grey. She would make the first move but:

1.) this is the first time, ever, in 21 years that Ana’s wanted to kiss anyone at all. I’m pretty sure if she went in for the kiss first, well…

2.) Something is wrong with Ana! See, she’s “paralyzed with a strange, unfamiliar need.” She’s like one of those goats that faint when they get scared. Except it’s when her *ahem* happy parts *ahem* get happy. BAM. Paralyzed.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 07: Now We’re Getting Started

by Sara May 14, 2012 Books

HAI BLOG HAI. So a whole shitstorm of shitstorminess happened right after I got married. For example, 1) my car broke down and I had to buy a new one, b) my laptop committed suicide, and 2a) I got laid off at work. Just last night, my wonderful husband fixed my computer because he is the best husband in the whole world really, really tired of listening to me bitch about it.

The moment I found out my laptop was fixed, I texted Lorraine to say, “COMPUTER FIXED. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. I AM SO IN.” Because when you’re talking about a book as awful as this one, the shouty capitals are really necessary.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 08: Let Go of Me Booty, Matey!

by Marines May 16, 2012 Books


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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 11 – To Love, Honor, and Flog

by Marines June 1, 2012 Books

I’ve accused FSoG of being many, many, foul named things, but I do believe I have yet to label it “boring.” Because E.L. James took her one woman quest to hit every facet of terrible very seriously, she’s decided to interrupt the main action of the “plot” to include THE ENTIRE SEXY TIMES CONTRACT IN CHAPTER 11.

Just the entire damn thing.

I really would’ve loved to see EL’s brainstorming process here.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 12 – ManipuKISS.

by Marines June 6, 2012 Books


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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 13 – Hoarders: Ana’s Head Edition

by Marines June 13, 2012 Books

This book is the biggest slight of hand in the history of the world. Forget making an airplane disappear on my TV, or whatever. E.L. James just shat on paper and sold a millionties of books, right before your very eyes.

I’m sorry. I try not to open with so much meanness. I like to disguise my distaste with capslocks and diatribes on the evils of toothbrush sharing. It’s just that we open this chapter with Ana forgetting about how uneasy the Sexy Times Contract made her, uh, YESTERDAY and is now worried that Grey won’t have her at all. Pout.

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