snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

After

In 2013, Anna Todd started writing fan-fiction about the members of One Direction as college students, all from her Blackberry, probably all while she was on the pooper. It exploded in popularity and Simon and Schuster threw a six-figure deal at Anna to publish the garbage millions read for free. The trick was that it couldn’t be about Harry Styles anymore so now it’s about some wanker named Hardin. (See what she did there?)

Having little to no idea what they were in for, the Snark Ladies decided to see what the fuss was about, especially before the movie came out, (yes there is a movie deal…). What they found were the most maddeningly stupid chapter divisions, another douchey love interest in the vein of Edward and Christian, a main character who acts decidedly against her own interests, abuse hiding as romance, and so little plot that it hurts.

After Chapter 01 – He’s beautiful.

by Marines October 4, 2016 After
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Hello friends! Funny story, I first wrote (most of) this recap in February of 2015. Here, I’ll quote you the original opening for posterity’s sake:

It was always our intention to pick up another book to snark in 2015, but I’ve got to admit that having so many of you hanging around the Fifty Shades reviews recently made me really miss that project. I mean, not any of the actual words written in the book… except for maybe “floor the pedal to the medal” and “my mother was a crack whore, Anastasia. Now go to sleep.”

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After Chapter 02 – Dangerous misfits and rebels.

by Samantha October 4, 2016 After
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Okay! Here we go! Let’s see if anything happens this chapter!

Tessa totally can’t focus on anything as they drive to campus, not even her nice-soon-to-be-dumped-probably boyfriend. (M: Or his perfectly lined lips.) They arrive within a paragraph and apparently she never visited the campus before, which struck me as odd. Two hours isn’t that bad of a drive, surely they could have done a visit?

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After Chapter 03 – Uncomfortable language

by Marines October 11, 2016 After
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Tessa’s mommy dearest lectures her for an hour.

An hour later, after listening to my mother warn me against the dangers of parties and college men– and using some language that’s rather uncomfortable for Noah and me to hear from her– she finally makes her move to leave.”

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After Chapter 04 – Khaki is for virgins.

by Samantha October 11, 2016 After
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Okay guys. Here it is. The recap where we will finally find out what happens when Tessa finds a boy in her room.

Marines: Don’t forget she’s in a towel! The suspense is killing approximately no one.

Samantha: She asks the brown haired rude boy where Steph is. Her voice comes out in a squeak so maybe she swallowed a mouse in the heathen shower. The boy kind of half smirks at her but doesn’t answer her legit question. I hate him already you guys.

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After Chapter 05 – Never Been Kissed

by Marines October 18, 2016 After
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Tessa is super glad when Hardin leaves, and not because he was being a creep, but because she wants to get more information about the party from Steph. She tells Tessa that it’s a frat party off campus and Nate is coming to pick them up.

Tessa, of course, takes a moment to tell us how grateful she is that Hardin isn’t going to pick them up because that guy is obviously defective.

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After Chapter 06 – Purple eyeliner hussies.

by Marines October 18, 2016 After
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We pick up this chapter approximately 15 minutes later. Tessa has curled her hair! Oh my god! I really wasn’t sure what she was going to do after that curling iron cliffhanger!

Steph offers Tessa her makeup, like a nice person. Tessa tells us that she’s a member of the Big Eyes club.

She asks for some eyeliner and Steph gives her brown, black, and purple. Steph also suggests that the purple would look pretty with Tessa’s Big Eyes but Tessa isn’t a slut or something so she can’t use purple. She puts on a little bit of black and Steph is proud. This has all been a literal 1/4 of this chapter.

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After Chapter 07 – Behind closed doors.

by Marines October 25, 2016 After
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For as much as Tessa “doesn’t like Hardin,” she sure does keep close tabs on him. We start this chapter with Tessa telling us that Hardin has already disappeared into the party. She hopes she doesn’t have to see him for the rest of the night. I’m guessing this is a “hint” that we will probably see him again, before the night is through. (S: Probably before this “chapter” is through.)

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After Chapter 08 – Flat faced kissing.

by Samantha October 25, 2016 After
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After Tessa catches Hardin and the pink haired girl macking in sin, she… stands there. She truly just stands there because she can’t get her feet to move. Cool.

Marines: Tessa is so stunned by two young people making out that she literally can’t get her body to move? Honestly? You were just trying to kiss your boyfriend like 3 micro-chapters ago. 

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After Chapter 09 – Good night, Theresa.

by Marines November 1, 2016 After
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So, the sinner music has been dialed up to 10 and Tessa is, I don’t know, rueing the day she was born.

I suppose the reason she really hated the fact that the music got LOUD is that she wants to find Steph. Instead of waiting for the music to stop or getting closer to Nate or using her own damn legs to walk around and look, Tessa decides to point a lot and yell at Nate.

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After Chapter 10 – Doomed to sleep on the floor.

by Samantha November 1, 2016 After
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As Tessa flees the horror house lair, she starts to cry. There’s some more whining about how awful college/parties/roommates are. I know we’re trying to pad out these recaps a little but I also don’t want to lose readers from boredom.

Marines: Us trying to write words but not lose readers:

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After Chapter 11 – Cloudy with a chance of roses

by Marines November 8, 2016 After
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Tessa stares into amazing green eyes and she suddenly realizes that she never noticed that Hardin has green eyes before. That hardly seems like a sudden revelation since you are standing there, looking into his eyes, but okay baby girl.

Samantha: Last chapter they were glaring green eyes, now they’re amazing.

Mari: Ain’t that just symbolic of this entire story? I already know it is.

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After Chapter 12 – Crack whore storytelling game.

by Samantha November 8, 2016 After
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Tessa wakes up and right away notices that Steph is “snoring unattractively.” God. I just do not like you, Tessabelle. Let people sleep without your judgment clouding their auras or whatever.

She wonders how they’re going to get back to the dorms and heads out into the hallway looking for Nate. She realizes that she doesn’t even know if Nate is part of the frat, and yeah, that’s what happens when you spend more time judging on people than actually talking to them.

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After Chapter 13 – Extreme Hair Flip

by Marines November 15, 2016 After
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After spending 11 baby chapters at a party, the rest of the weekend goes by in a sentence and with no Hardin sightings. Tessa does go shopping for new clothes, but apparently they are more church clothes Hardin would not approve of. Tessa says it doesn’t matter, though, because she’s sworn off parties with Steph and being near or around Hardin. It’s really funny that she thinks that after spending the entire party judging people, barging into rooms with out knocking, complaining, yelling at people, and turning faucets on people’s heads while they threw up, she would ever be invited to another party, but fine.

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After Chapter 14 – Hardin is not Darcy.

by Samantha November 15, 2016 After
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We have made it all the way to Friday and Tessa is excited about spending her evening watching movies, as Steph will be at a party. I just had a flash of prognostication and this will not be how Tessa’s evening goes. She stops by a cafe and the pink haired girl from the party greets her! Oh no!

Tessa somehow remembers her name is Molly and is super rude to her.

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After Chapter 15 – D stands for…

by Marines November 29, 2016 After
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So, for reasons that are beyond you, me, and every thinking person, Tessa is going to another party. This time, she’s almost forced to wear some tight jeans because after one week at school, she has to do so much laundry, she doesn’t have many other options. Sure, Tessa. I’m sure. Also, she pairs her tight jeans with a button up shirt, but it’s black and sleeveless and has some lace on the shoulder and we all know lace is code for sin. We get confirmation of this when Stephanie says she actually likes Tessa’s outfit today. She offers Tessa some eyeliner again, but Tessa passes, remembering how it got all smeared by her tears the last time.

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