snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Twilight Saga

#snarkathon – Twilight

by Annie November 10, 2015 Movies
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Have you had enough Twilight yet? Well, that’s too bad, because we decided to have a Twilight Snarkathon. Let’s get right to it.

The movie opens with a shot of a forest and a deer being chased by some unseen creature. This thing pounces National Geographic station style on the deer.

Next, we get a Bella voiceover explaining that she’s moving to Forks.

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31 Days of Twilight

by Marines October 1, 2015 Books
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Hello friends! I never thought I would be this excited for Twilight.

I’ve had the idea for this project in my back pocket for over a year. Truth is, I’ve been asked a handful of times if I would ever cover the Twilight Saga, especially since this website came into its own around the time I decided to cover Twilight’s demented offspring, Fifty Shades of Grey.

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31 Days of Twilight – Introductions

by Marines October 4, 2015 Books
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[…]

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 01 – Full-time wolf.

by Catherine January 2, 2017 Books
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Welcome back, dearest of friends. Welcome to the beginning of the end. We hope you made it through the dumpster fire that was 2016 in one piece. I’d say something about starting 2017 off on this terrible foot, but who are we kidding? We are going to laugh ourselves dizzy, and perhaps yell ourselves sad, but… friends and drinks. Welcome indeed.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 02 – Open-eyed kissing

by Annie January 3, 2017 Books
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We open this chapter with Bella and Edward whinging about having to be apart between ‘hot’ makeout sessions. Bella tells us how hard it is for her to remember Edward is a vampire. Not because he’s so perfect and wonderful, but because he shows such restraint for not ripping her throat out and drinking all her delicious blood until she’s dead, dead, dead. (K: Shame.)

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 03 – Fucking snowflakes

by Catherine January 4, 2017 Books
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So, Bella wakes up from another of her dumb psychic nightmares that are never explained and she’s immediately pissed at herself for having such a disturbing dream the night before her wedding. Um, okay.

Annie: If I was marrying Edward, I’d be having nightmares, too.

Catherine: Fair.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 04 – A wild tension appears!

by Catherine January 5, 2017 Books
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Bella tells us that the wedding flows smoothly into the reception which starts AT TWILIGHT. I see what you did there, SMeyer. You’re not even remotely subtle.

Anyway, apparently there are “another ten thousand flowers” outside with the marquee and dance floor, and I really hope that’s an exaggeration because that is a fuckton of flowers. If it’s not exaggeration, I hope they sent out antihistamines with the invitations…

Marines: There are only like 10 humans there and no one cares about them anyway.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 05 – Facing the unknown

by Catherine January 6, 2017 Books
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[…]

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 06 – You’re getting very sleepy.

by Catherine January 7, 2017 Books
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Edward is sticking to his guns and refusing to have sex with Bella again as long as she’s human. Which is tricky cuz Bella can’t get enough of the sparkle peen and wants it bad.

Marines: Oh my goodness, you mean we are still denying Bella any fulfillment of her sexual desires with a ring on it? Color me shocked.

Kirsti: Whaaaaaaat?? I NEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS TURN OF EVENTS.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 07 – The Mystical Pregnancy

by Catherine January 10, 2017 Books
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Yet another chapter begins with Bella’s fake psychic dreams. I’m not gonna recap this one and waste your precious time. Just imagine heavy-handed descriptions about dark “ruby eyes” and another vampire child and you’ve got the gist of it. Or just read the rest of these recaps and then go back and imagine that Bella had a dream that vaguely predicted the plot of the story for reasons that are never explained and never come up again.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 08 – Nopesville, pop. 4 Snark Ladies

by Catherine January 16, 2017 Books
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Lucky, lucky me. We change to Jacob’s perspective for the middle chunk of the book. JOY.

Catherine: The only thing worse than Bella’s perspective is Jacob’s perspective. 

Annie: See, I’d completely forgotten about this in the book. And I got really excited when I saw the shift in perspectives. And then this chapter happened. Ha ha haaaaaa. Boy, was I stupid. I forgot that even though the perspective has changed, it’s still written by SMeyer.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 09 – This is a real book?

by Catherine January 17, 2017 Books
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The brilliant title of this chapter is, “sure as hell didn’t see that one coming.” There is a vampire sperm/mystical pregnancy joke in there and this is me making it.

Catherine: Omg. Mari, WHY?!?

Kirsti: -_- Pass the brain bleach, please.

Annie: Nope, sorry. I used it all last chapter.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 10 – Wife-sharing hero

by Annie January 18, 2017 Books
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I’d like to point out that the name of this chapter really sums up our journey through this series: “Why didn’t I just walk away? Oh right. Because I’m an idiot.”

Kirsti: I will solidly take the blame for suggesting that we continue with this trainwreck of a series after finishing book 1. Sorry, ladies. I regret that decision more than I regret any other decision in my life, including the time I thought it would be a good idea to eat three huge helpings of pie and I threw up all over my parents’ bathroom.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 11 – Everyone gets a baby.

by Catherine January 23, 2017 Books
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Already going into this chapter, I can see a lot of wolf thoughts in italics and I hate this narrative device so much for some reason. (K: SAAAAAME.) You may remember that the last chapter ended with Jacob refusing a direct order from Sam, the Alpha wolf, and then crumpling on the ground. I believe those of us in the Pick Up Artist community refer to that as a ‘beta cuck’.

This is supposed to be this big build up from New Moon for us to finally see what happens when a wolf actually refuses the command of their Alpha but I don’t care about… any of this so.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 12 – Blood drinking for beginners

by Catherine January 25, 2017 Books
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This chapter is titled “Some people just don’t grasp the concept of unwelcome.” Yeah, and one of those people is Stephenie Meyer in publishing this abomination of a book.

Ahem.

Catherine: We can high five on that.

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