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Movies

#snarkathon – Twilight

by Annie November 10, 2015 Movies
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Have you had enough Twilight yet? Well, that’s too bad, because we decided to have a Twilight Snarkathon. Let’s get right to it.

The movie opens with a shot of a forest and a deer being chased by some unseen creature. This thing pounces National Geographic station style on the deer.

Next, we get a Bella voiceover explaining that she’s moving to Forks.

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#snarkathon – Spiceworld

by DemocracyDiva May 17, 2015 Movies
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I was nine years old in 1997, when Spiceworld marched into theaters with the ferocity and panache of Posh Spice at choreography boot camp. For those who were not a child, tween, or teen in the late 90s, you may not be able to understand why this movie even exists. But insane as it is, I promise you, there was a market for this insanity, and I was IT. I know every word to every song in this “film” (ironic quotations marks required), and to me, it is prime snarking fodder. Let us begin!

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Snark Squad Sentiments: The Fifty Shades of Grey Movie

by Marines February 24, 2015 Fifty Shades
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When we finished recapping the entire Fifty Shades series, Sweeney and I decided to record vlogs discussing our feelings about the project as a whole. Sweeney put together a lovely video that remains one of my favorite things ever. I… never did it. Blame some combination of permanent trauma and lack of words. After two years of recapping this series chapter by chapter, I had very little else to say.

This is probably my punishment, then, for having flaked out on that final vlog. Yes, I went to go see the movie and yes, I have more feelings than could truly be captured during my live-Tweeting, so yes, I’m doing the movie post.

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#snarkathon – Top Gun

by Kirsti February 10, 2015 Movies
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Snarking Top Gun has been on the radar for a long time. I don’t remember who first suggested it, but I *do* know that my reaction was “HOLY SHIT YES PLEASE WE HAVE TO DO THIS OMG IT IS SO SNARKTASTIC”. So obviously, when it came to me picking a movie for Snarkathon, there was only one possible option.

Also, if someone wants to remake this movie with Logan Echolls as the main character, I would be 100% okay with that.

ANYWAY. Let’s get down to recapping, shall we?

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Snark Squad Sentiments: Mockingjay’s Capitol Propaganda Posters

by DemocracyDiva August 11, 2014 Books
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A new Hunger Games movie is upon us (well, a few months away, anyway), and the geniuses behind The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 have released seven Panem propaganda posters entitled “District Heroes.” Each poster salutes a different district, as the Capitol implores its citizens to “love your labor” and, you know, generally stop supporting Katniss-inspired rebellions, I guess.

But since Snark Ladies know more about Panem than your average Lionsgate marketing genius, we thought it would be fun to tear these posters apart! Some are brilliant, others are bit off the mark, and the rest don’t make any fucking sense at all. I will dole out Propaganda Points for how effective the poster would be at convincing the district citizens to support the Capitol, and Bullshit Ratings for how accurately it depicts life in that district (at least from the Capitol’s point of view). Let the propaganda party begin!

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Snark Squad Sentiments: Dissecting the Fifty Shades Trailer

by Marines July 24, 2014 Books
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Lorraine: Hello, friends! Long time no see in this dusty “Fifty Shades” corner of Snark Squad. In fact, the last time we were here, Charlie Hunnam was still slated to play Christian Grey.

Sweeney: I’m so glad we got to have this gif for the final Fifty Shades posts. It was so useful!

Lor: Fast forward to ten months later and the official release of the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer:

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#snarkathon – Mean Girls

by Marines May 19, 2014 Movies
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It’s been ten years since Mean Girls saw it’s theatrical release. Let that sink in for a moment.

This movie is truly a ton of stereotypes held together by the glue of memorable one liners and the wonder of Lindsay Lohan back when she resembled, you know, Lindsay Lohan. Also, I just realized this is the second Lindsay Lohan film we’ve covered for #snarkathon and that was not at all on purpose. I feel slightly ashamed.

Okay, movie: Cady Heron and her zoologist parents return to the United Starts after a 12 year research trip to Africa, meaning she’ll have to attend public school for the first time ever. Cady has a difficult time blending in for a day or two, before she befriends classmates Janis and Damian.

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Serenity – So long, dear sweet friends.

by Marines May 16, 2014 Firefly
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Joss Whedon got his feature length film, and we’re going to recap it, but fair warning that this post will be long.

The Universal Pictures logo becomes Earth. A voice over gives us the set-up, but it is not Mal, as we were accustomed to. It’s a woman (S: Tamara Taylor from Bones!) with a slightly different version of events: Earth-That-Was could no longer sustain the ever growing population. People found a new solar system, terraformed the planets and moons to form new Earths. The central planets formed the Alliance. The savage, outer planets refused Alliance control, resulting in a devastating war. But the Alliance won and now everyone is happy!

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#snarkathon – Ever After

by Sweeney May 5, 2014 Movies
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Ever After is a Snark Lady favorite and we’ll probably fight you if you deny that it’s a cinematic classic. In spite of Drew Barrymore’s terrible accent, the subpar acting by a whole lot of people, the absurd husband bulge Dougary Scott is sporting throughout the film, and the fact that Danielle probably shouldn’t even end up with him anyway, THIS MOVIE IS WONDERFUL, OK?

The movie begins as a story within a story when an old lady is talking about how totally legit the story of Cinderella is, gesturing to a painting and having her fancy shoes brought over before launching into her story about a girl named Danielle.

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#snarkathon – Buffy the Vampire Slayer

by Kirsti March 18, 2014 Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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I first suggested that we cover the original Buffy movie way back in August 2012, not long after we started covering Buffy. Somehow, it ended up as a “this would be a good way to finish things” idea, and then with the birth of #snarkathon in December it became a “watch it alone-together with the Traumateers” thing. Aww.

Anyway, let’s get to the movie, shall we?

We open in Dark Ages Europe, where we’re given approximately two seconds of Slayer backstory – one girl in all the world, yada yada yada, she has a creepy birthmark on her chest known as “The Mark of the Coven”.

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#snarkathon – I Know Who Killed Me

by Sweeney January 19, 2014 Movies
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You could think of this post as late, or you could think of it is as a nice little reminder of all the fun we had at the beginning of the month. Two weeks in internet time is like years so now it’s time to get all nostalgic and reflect on our most recent #snarkathon adventure.

This month we watched I Know Who Killed Me and there’s not a whole lot to say about this movie. It’s basically The Parent Trap with strippers, artificial limbs, and torture porn.

Our girl Lindsay Lohan is not only characters in the story, but also narrating the story as some sort of class project – you know, for those days where your teachers have you read out shitty horror stories.

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#snarkathon – The Cabin in the Woods

by Marines December 10, 2013 Movies
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I’m sure most of you are reading this post right now all, “snark-a-what now?” It’s okay. Things around here happen pretty quickly and we’re often starting new things when we can barely keep up with what we already have going on. (So, like, Firefly this Friday. For real.)

#Snarkathon came about thanks to some Traumateers who wanted to live Tweet The Cabin in the Woods, the 2012 Joss Whedon vehicle staring Thor, Topher, Fred, Lena’s new boyfriend in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, and a girl IMDB told me played the Yellow Cheetah Ranger. Take this idea, add a Google hangout and voila.

We’ll touch a little more on the #snarkathon thing at the end of the post, but first, The Cabin in the Woods (#spoilerssweetie):

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Snark Squad Sentiments: Or trying to care about Fifty Shades casting news.

by Marines September 4, 2013 Books
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Chances are, dearest of Traumateers, that you’ve heard the news. No, not about Syria. No, not about that guy sentenced to 1,000 years in prison. No, not about that school stabbing. No, not about Miley Cyrus. FOCUS.

We’re clearly talking about Fifty Shades casting news! I know, I know. If you’re like us, you’ve been ignoring the early news about this movie, hoping that someone, somewhere would wisen up and realize there is no actual way you can film a tampon scene. Rumors swirled, Brett Easton Ellis plugged for his own involvement, a director was chosen, and still we hoped against hope that it was all a joke.

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Weekend Movie Date: Best Actor Nominees

by Sweeney February 10, 2013 Movies

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