snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Fifty Shades

In 2012, Mari (then writing under the username “Lorraine”) picked up Fifty Shades of Grey and immediately hated it so passionately, she had to dedicate words to her hate. Many, many words, a second reccapper, LOTS OF CAPSLOCK, an impressive array of gifs, a handful of vlogs, a Stalker Boyfriend meme, a couple of destroyed livers, and lots of holding each other in the comments later, here we are:

Fifty Shades of Grey | Fifty Shades Darker | Fifty Shades Freed

Grey Chapter 10 – Sexy … asparagus?

by Jessica September 1, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 10 – Sexy … asparagus?

So right off, Grey orders a glass of Sancerre at a bar. It appears he doesn’t have the same level of hate for it as he does for Chardonnay, but with his volatile personality, who the hell knows.

The reason he’s chugging (I assume) wine at the bar is he’s waiting for Ana for their date. He’s nervous, because he’s never taken a sub out to dinner before, and that crazy Ana insisted on driving herself so he can’t control her every movement from the house onward. Other than that, he’s had a pretty normal day so far doing business stuff, including firing three people.

Read more →

Grey Chapter 09 – Dear god, not this again.

by Alex August 18, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 09 – Dear god, not this again.

Grey really hates Detroit. He works real hard to suppress all of his memories from stupid Detroit, but we all know he’s really unsuccessful at that. Exhibit A is those nightmares he has about once a chapter. All of this “matters” (I use that word loosely) because he is thinking of opening an electronics plant there. He tosses the report he’s looking over aside and takes a sip of his wine.

“I toss it on the dining table and take a sip of my Sancerre. Shit. It’s warm.”

That is a really violent reaction to warm wine, Grey. Calm down.

Read more →

Grey Chapter 08 – Plateau of terribleness

by Jessica August 11, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 08 – Plateau of terribleness

In a small paragraph that’s obviously just left over from last chapter, Grey informs us that he goes to bed sometime after 1 a.m. He’s excited to continue work on his new project – Anastasia Steele: Virgin.

Alex: Fucksake. He actually calls her “a new project”. We’re literally three sentences into the chapter and I’m already getting a rage migraine.

Marines: If you want to black out early, try thinking about whether incessant talk of training her is worse than “new project.”

J: Nothing is worse. We’ve just reached a plateau where everything is terrible.

Read more →

Grey Chapter 07 – Sex idiot.

by Marines August 4, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 07 – Sex idiot.

Hi, welcome back. Have a drink if you are playing along at home because Christian Grey just woke up with a start to start the chapter. This fine morning he’s experiencing a pervading sense of guilt.

“Is it because I’ve fucked Anastasia Steele? Virgin?”

I laughed for five solid minutes. Anastasia Steele: VIRGIN.

Grey checks the time so probably you should drink again. It’s after three in the morning and Ana is fast asleep. Grey says that his body “stirs” as he watches her and this is my mental image:

Read more →

Grey Chapter 06 – Longest. Chapter. Ever.

by Alex July 29, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 06 – Longest. Chapter. Ever.

My last recap was mostly just a bunch of stuff from FSoG slightly rewritten from Grey’s PoV. It seems that I’ve got pretty much the same deal this time, only A MILLION TIMES WORSE, because now I have the dubious honour of recapping Grey’s first sex scene.

Luckily, though, I have a while to prepare myself for that, because this is also the LONGEST CHAPTER OF ALL TIME. It just keeps going and going. I’ll be surprised if anyone is even still reading by the time we get to the sex part.

Jessica: Your perseverance in not only reading, but writing, is impressive. Just reading this took colossal effort.

Read more →

Grey Chapter 05 – LEAVE KATE ALONE

by Jessica July 21, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 05 – LEAVE KATE ALONE

We start with Grey standing in front of the bathroom mirror, contemplating how much amazing sleep he’s gotten lately and thinking about Ana. He says “As I shave, the asshole in the mirror stares back at me with cool, gray eyes” and before I finish the sentence my brain has already leapt to OH GOD HE’S SHAVING HIS ASSHOLE YOU GUYS. And I realize I’m ruined forever. I hope you’re happy, Mari.

Alex: In case you were wondering, the italicised outbursts from Grey’s penis while he shaves are ‘Liar‘ swiftly followed by ‘Fuck‘. Maybe that razor got a little too close for comfort.

Read more →

Grey Chapter 04 – The smell of poverty in the morning.

by Marines July 14, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 04 – The smell of poverty in the morning.

A chapter is starting, so a character is waking up. Grey screams, “no!” and I find it oddly hilarious that EL tells us that the scream, “bounces off the bedroom walls and wakes [him] from [his] nightmare.” That rude scream bounces off the wall and probably bopped him on the head.

Grey wakes up and can still smell the “stale beer, cigarettes and poverty” from his nightmare. He can smell the poverty. Usually we’re being facetious when we use the “I hear poor people smell bad” tag, but leave it to Grey to think that poverty is actually a smell.

Read more →

Grey Chapter 03 – Men or tea?

by Alex July 7, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 03 – Men or tea?

It’s the day after Grey’s stalker-shopping trip. He’s out for an early-morning run as he listens to Moby and recalls dreaming about Ana last night. (J: For some reason, knowing Grey listens to Moby makes me laugh.) In his dream she was on her knees and calling him ‘sir’. How sweet. His run apparently goes on for TWO WHOLE HOURS, although E.L. James thankfully manages to resist the urge to narrate the entire thing and instead skips to Grey jogging past a coffee shop on his way back to the hotel. He briefly considers asking Ana out for a coffee date, but then he laughs at himself because that’s something a normal non-murdery person would do. Ew.

Read more →

Grey Chapter 02 – Stalker Shopping 101

by Jessica June 30, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 02 – Stalker Shopping 101

It’s about 5 days later, but we’re starting off with information from the background check Grey ordered on Ana at the end of the last chapter. In true EL James style, we are treated to ALL the information, which is a bunch of details that I don’t care about and am forgetting immediately. This includes her freaking Social Security Number, bank account balance and SAT score! It claims she got a 2150. Anyone know how to translate that into the old scores? I really hope it isn’t higher than Buffy’s 1430 but this is Grey, so anything can happen.

Alex: It also includes her ‘mobile’ number, which strikes me as something that the ‘Americanism’ team should maybe have picked up on? Also, I’m kind of curious about whose number that actually is.

Read more →

Grey Chapter 01 – Straight from the laundry.

by Marines June 23, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 01 – Straight from the laundry.

The last actual book recap we posted went up in October of 2013. WHAT EVEN. I mean, sure, there were lots of series wrap-up posts, a trailer to dissect and a movie to die through, but still. It seems like only yesterday we were holding each other in the comments.

I sent out an email to the rest of the Snark Ladies asking if any of them loved me enough/hated their lives enough to recap along with me. Some of them will be popping in and out for one off things, but two brave souls volunteered as tributes: Alex and Jessica. Say hello ladies!

Read more →

Snark Squad Sentiments: The Fifty Shades of Grey Movie

by Marines February 24, 2015 Fifty Shades
Thumbnail image for Snark Squad Sentiments: The Fifty Shades of Grey Movie

When we finished recapping the entire Fifty Shades series, Sweeney and I decided to record vlogs discussing our feelings about the project as a whole. Sweeney put together a lovely video that remains one of my favorite things ever. I… never did it. Blame some combination of permanent trauma and lack of words. After two years of recapping this series chapter by chapter, I had very little else to say.

This is probably my punishment, then, for having flaked out on that final vlog. Yes, I went to go see the movie and yes, I have more feelings than could truly be captured during my live-Tweeting, so yes, I’m doing the movie post.

Read more →

Snark Squad Sentiments: Dissecting the Fifty Shades Trailer

by Marines July 24, 2014 Books
Thumbnail image for Snark Squad Sentiments: Dissecting the Fifty Shades Trailer

Lorraine: Hello, friends! Long time no see in this dusty “Fifty Shades” corner of Snark Squad. In fact, the last time we were here, Charlie Hunnam was still slated to play Christian Grey.

Sweeney: I’m so glad we got to have this gif for the final Fifty Shades posts. It was so useful!

Lor: Fast forward to ten months later and the official release of the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer:

Read more →

Fifty Shades Freed At A Glance

by Sweeney October 30, 2013 Books
Thumbnail image for Fifty Shades Freed At A Glance

With the third and final book now behind us, it’s time to take one last, overarching look at just how stupid it really was, from the insane word counts produced by ELJ’s limited grasp of the English language, to the nonsensical pacing in a book originally written as serialized fanfiction by someone without a proper understanding of “plot” or “reality.”

Lorraine: We often marveled at how much bad E.L. James managed to stuff into her series, but because we spread our recaps out over so many weeks, we’re afraid our readers lose sight of just how horrible this material really is.

Read more →

The Seven Worst Christian Grey Moments in Fifty Shades Freed

by Marines October 30, 2013 Books
Thumbnail image for The Seven Worst Christian Grey Moments in Fifty Shades Freed

Several times throughout our reading journey, we encountered people who assured us that the series got better in the third book. “Christian Grey changes,” they told us, and we’ve since seen that sentiment often echoed amongst fans of the books.

Well. In case it wasn’t abundantly clear during our seven month journey, the only way Grey really changes is that he gets worse. We’re pointing that out here in a more succinct way. It’s an asshole highlight reel, if you will. It’ll be a handy link for you to share anytime you hear or see anyone claiming that this is the man of their dreams. Seriously, share this, and ask them to pick a favorite moment.

Ready?

Read more →

Segue Magic: Fifty Shades of Finished Forever (Sweeney)

by Sweeney October 23, 2013 Books
Thumbnail image for Segue Magic: Fifty Shades of Finished Forever (Sweeney)

THE END! We obviously spent some time brainstorming the best way to do this whole finale week thing, and we decided that vlogs would be a good way to get some of our “final thoughts” off of our chests. It’s also a solid way for us to revive the Segue Magic feature that sort of fizzled and died. (Stay tuned to see if this revival works out.)

We’re not operating on a particularly concrete prompt. This is just sort of “closing thoughts,” with Lorraine’s video on Friday being the final word on our Fifty Shades series. It seems fitting, since she started this treacherous journey on her lonesome.

Read more →