snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Fifty Shades

In 2012, Mari (then writing under the username “Lorraine”) picked up Fifty Shades of Grey and immediately hated it so passionately, she had to dedicate words to her hate. Many, many words, a second reccapper, LOTS OF CAPSLOCK, an impressive array of gifs, a handful of vlogs, a Stalker Boyfriend meme, a couple of destroyed livers, and lots of holding each other in the comments later, here we are:

Fifty Shades of Grey | Fifty Shades Darker | Fifty Shades Freed | Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 01: My eyes are totally rolling in exasperation.

by Marines May 3, 2012 Books
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I knew precious little about the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series when I picked it up– mostly that it had been appearing all over my Goodreads timeline and that it seemed to have a polarizing effect on readers.

I probably should’ve paid more attention to the, you know, description.

It was the very first page of the book that convinced me that this story was begging to be snarked: it opened with a girl checking herself out in a mirror! Aw, E.L. James. Way to take a page out of 90% of all Sweet Valley High books ever written.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 02: Hardware stores make me intense.

by Marines May 4, 2012 Books
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Ana hurries off the elevator, eager to get away from Grey, and almost falls. Again. I’m trying really hard here not to make the SHE IS BELLA SWAN observation, but I guess I just failed. Beyond that, I’m always very confused by authors who want to make their characters clumsy. I mean, I’m clumsy! I am. But it just always comes across so heavy handed in books. Ana just fell Bambi-style in Grey’s office. Did we need her tripping off of an elevator a few pages later?

Ana tells us no less than four times that she has no idea what her reaction to Grey was all about. Well Ana, my personal opinion is that your reaction to Grey was all about you being an idiot. I guess we were supposed to glean that she was having a strong reaction to being around him. It’s probably ’cause he’s got all that built up static electricity.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 03: It’s a good thing I can drink legally.

by Marines May 5, 2012 Books
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Ana calls Kate with the photo shoot news and Kate’s very excited. She’s also convinced that Grey’s intentions are more than just a helping out the newspaper. Kate’s all, “isn’t it kind of weird that he followed you all the way to where you work and gave you his cell phone number?” Yes. Yes it is.

Ana regurgitates Grey’s “I was in the area” thing and I can just imagine Kate rolling her eyes.

I didn’t mention this in chapter 2, but Ana keeps telling us about this “small, quiet voice” in her head. Actually, she told us specifically that this voice was coming from the base of her brain in the medulla oblongata where her subconscious lives, because E.L. James wants to make sure you have all the details, ever. And, I know we all have conscious thought but her voice is kind of creepy and it’s always whispering things.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 04: Let’s all just vomit, okay?

by Marines May 8, 2012 Books
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Lorraine: Ana and Grey are hugging post Bicycle Gate. Ana’s suddenly convinced that she’s a telepath, as she’s sending some very intense, “KISS ME DAMN IT,” thoughts towards Grey. She would make the first move but:


1.) this is the first time, ever, in 21 years that Ana’s wanted to kiss anyone at all. I’m pretty sure if she went in for the kiss first, well…


2.) Something is wrong with Ana! See, she’s “paralyzed with a strange, unfamiliar need.” She’s like one of those goats that faint when they get scared. Except it’s when her *ahem* happy parts *ahem* get happy. BAM. Paralyzed.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 07: Now We’re Getting Started

by Sara May 14, 2012 Books
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HAI BLOG HAI. So a whole shitstorm of shitstorminess happened right after I got married. For example, 1) my car broke down and I had to buy a new one, b) my laptop committed suicide, and 2a) I got laid off at work. Just last night, my wonderful husband fixed my computer because he is the best husband in the whole world really, really tired of listening to me bitch about it.

The moment I found out my laptop was fixed, I texted Lorraine to say, “COMPUTER FIXED. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. I AM SO IN.” Because when you’re talking about a book as awful as this one, the shouty capitals are really necessary.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 08: Let Go of Me Booty, Matey!

by Marines May 16, 2012 Books
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[…]

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 11 – To Love, Honor, and Flog

by Marines June 1, 2012 Books
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I’ve accused FSoG of being many, many, foul named things, but I do believe I have yet to label it “boring.” Because E.L. James took her one woman quest to hit every facet of terrible very seriously, she’s decided to interrupt the main action of the “plot” to include THE ENTIRE SEXY TIMES CONTRACT IN CHAPTER 11.

Just the entire damn thing.

I really would’ve loved to see EL’s brainstorming process here.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 12 – ManipuKISS.

by Marines June 6, 2012 Books
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[…]

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 13 – Hoarders: Ana’s Head Edition

by Marines June 13, 2012 Books
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This book is the biggest slight of hand in the history of the world. Forget making an airplane disappear on my TV, or whatever. E.L. James just shat on paper and sold a millionties of books, right before your very eyes.

I’m sorry. I try not to open with so much meanness. I like to disguise my distaste with capslocks and diatribes on the evils of toothbrush sharing. It’s just that we open this chapter with Ana forgetting about how uneasy the Sexy Times Contract made her, uh, YESTERDAY and is now worried that Grey won’t have her at all. Pout.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 14 – Happy Graduating Wet Submissive Day!

by Marines June 18, 2012 Books
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The first few pages of this chapter gave me a really weird, uncomfortable, sex-ed class vibe. See, Ana’s having this dream about being tied up to a bed. Grey is above her wielding a leather riding crop, trailing it along her body until he gets to her vagAna. A few flicks of it and Ana’s orgasm is waking her up from her dream.

The weird part is that Ana is astounded. She’s never had a wet dream before, and by goly, she didn’t even know dreaming about sex was possible! I swear to you she thinks, “I didn’t know I could dream sex.”

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