snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Fifty Shades

Fifty Shades Freed At A Glance

by Sweeney October 30, 2013 Books
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With the third and final book now behind us, it’s time to take one last, overarching look at just how stupid it really was, from the insane word counts produced by ELJ’s limited grasp of the English language, to the nonsensical pacing in a book originally written as serialized fanfiction by someone without a proper understanding of “plot” or “reality.”

Lorraine: We often marveled at how much bad E.L. James managed to stuff into her series, but because we spread our recaps out over so many weeks, we’re afraid our readers lose sight of just how horrible this material really is.

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The Seven Worst Christian Grey Moments in Fifty Shades Freed

by Lorraine October 30, 2013 Books
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Several times throughout our reading journey, we encountered people who assured us that the series got better in the third book. “Christian Grey changes,” they told us, and we’ve since seen that sentiment often echoed amongst fans of the books.

Well. In case it wasn’t abundantly clear during our seven month journey, the only way Grey really changes is that he gets worse. We’re pointing that out here in a more succinct way. It’s an asshole highlight reel, if you will. It’ll be a handy link for you to share anytime you hear or see anyone claiming that this is the man of their dreams. Seriously, share this, and ask them to pick a favorite moment.

Ready?

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Segue Magic: Fifty Shades of Finished Forever (Sweeney)

by Sweeney October 23, 2013 Books
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THE END! We obviously spent some time brainstorming the best way to do this whole finale week thing, and we decided that vlogs would be a good way to get some of our “final thoughts” off of our chests. It’s also a solid way for us to revive the Segue Magic feature that sort of fizzled and died. (Stay tuned to see if this revival works out.)

We’re not operating on a particularly concrete prompt. This is just sort of “closing thoughts,” with Lorraine’s video on Friday being the final word on our Fifty Shades series. It seems fitting, since she started this treacherous journey on her lonesome.

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Fifty Shades Freed Epilogue – The Lord is testing me.

by Lorraine October 21, 2013 Books
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I’m going to try very hard not to get angry during this epilogue because (1) – We have a whole week’s worth of series ending posts to get through and I probably have to ration my anger. You know, plan this wisely and avoid an ulcer or drowning my liver or whatever and (2) – THIS IS THE END, FOR REAL. These are the last words to read, EVER. This is really a celebration, so HAPPY EPILOGUE, EVERYONE!

Sweeney: HAPPY EPILOGUE TO YOU TOO, LOR!

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 25 – Remix

by Sweeney October 16, 2013 Books
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It’s the last fucking chapter and I’m supposed to celebrate, but it’s also my last opportunity to make sure you understand that ELJ has the worst chapter transitions ever. (And the worst everything ever, but one step at a time, OK?) The only occasions on which Ana doesn’t begin the chapter waking up are those that we begin immediately after the end of the last chapter, in a place where a chapter break makes zero sense. This is of the latter variety.

A consistent feature of both chapter beginnings — and also all the time always — is Ana asking a lot of really pointless questions. I spend a lot of time in my own head so I’m not one to judge the idea of a very active inner monologue. But what if my inner monologue consisted only of questions?

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 24 – Learning to forget.

by Lorraine October 9, 2013 Books
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I’m not entirely sure why this is a new chapter. I mean, we always complain about the insanely dumb ways ELJ breaks her writing up, but it usually revolves around some imagined cliffhanger or Ana falling asleep. This isn’t even either one of those. We ended last chapter with Grey deciding he liked the nickname “Blip” for his demon spawn, followed by some kissing. We start this chapter STILL KISSING. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CHAPTER BREAK?


Sweeney: This is even worse than her overused love of waking Ana up for chapter beginnings. (Sidebar: that’s how I like to think of it. “Wake up, you miserable little puppet! We’ve got more stupid to get through!”)

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 23 – Seven Comas

by Sweeney October 2, 2013 Books
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Just to mix things up for a change, Ana starts this chapter in the middle of doing her job. LOLJK, she’s waking up. (L: LOL. Every time.) Ana is waking up and narrating about burning pain and various voices around her becoming clearer, “a beacon in the darkness.” Basically she wakes up long enough to hear Christian Grey angry with the doctor that Ana’s not awake yet and also him asking about the baby, which assures Ana that he wants the baby so she can go back to sleep.

Wouldn’t the “is the baby alive/well?” question be sort of an automatic point to cover when updating the father on her status? Or maybe the doctor is trying to catch Christian Grey giving no fucks to build the attempted murder case against him?

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 22 – What’s mine is mine.

by Lorraine September 25, 2013 Books
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The last chapter ended with Ana answering a phone call from Mia, only to discover that Jack Hyde, evil boss extraordinaire, was on the other line. We start this chapter one second later. “Jack.” My voice has disappeared, choked by fear.

Jack, she says with her voice, one second before the cracked out author tells us her voice has disappeared. Jack is surprised that Ana remembers him. Since he was her boss at her first post-college job, who also tried to sexually molest her, I’m gonna go ahead and say it isn’t any wonder she remembers him. Also, she last saw him a few months ago. Maybe this is more a commentary on Jack being surprised that Ana remembers anything at all.

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 21 – Hating everyone.

by Sweeney September 18, 2013 Books
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Chapters either begin with Ana waking up and asking herself lots of questions about how she came to a person who is awake or immediately after the previous chapter ended, with Ana asking lots of questions about the thing we just learned. This is the latter. She asks herself all sorts of questions about this “betrayal” and how he could do this to her. That’s the one that really gets me. How could he do this to you? Really, Ana? At this point the list of horrible things he has yet to do to you is much shorter than the ones he has. You should have made that list and kept it in your wallet for regular review so you know what to expect next.

I’m not kidding — two consecutive (short) paragraphs contain a grand total of 10 questions. (That’s including two instances of “Why.”)

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 20 – Motherly instincts.

by Lorraine September 11, 2013 Books
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Ana is in total shock because apparently, if you are having sex, YOU CAN GET PREGNANT. Ana thinks about how much she doesn’t want a baby and how she knows her husband is going to freak.

Dr. Best in Seattle says, “judging by your reaction, I suspect you’re just a couple of weeks or so from conception– four or five weeks pregnant.” UM. WHAT? RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN. Because she was shocked, your super doctor skillz tell you she’s four or five weeks pregnant? Shock is a measure of such things? Clearly, Dr. Best doesn’t watch any TV.

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 19 – Coma Porn

by Sweeney September 4, 2013 Books
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The chapter begins with some stuff that’s meant to be sweet, but when you realize that it’s mommy porn, it’s more awkward. Ana is excited that her “daddy” is awake and he calls her “Annie” and whatnot. He doesn’t seem to remember the accident and asks for some water, specifically, but I think he really wants a drink. I do too, because rather than staying there with her father, we cut immediately to Ana running out to the waiting room to tell Christian Grey that he’s awake. Because obviously. “What do I do now? IDK, better go tell that infected scrotum I call my husband.”


The infected scrotum is all, “Great. He’s awake.”

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Snark Squad Sentiments: Or trying to care about Fifty Shades casting news.

by Lorraine September 4, 2013 Books
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Chances are, dearest of Traumateers, that you’ve heard the news. No, not about Syria. No, not about that guy sentenced to 1,000 years in prison. No, not about that school stabbing. No, not about Miley Cyrus. FOCUS.

We’re clearly talking about Fifty Shades casting news! I know, I know. If you’re like us, you’ve been ignoring the early news about this movie, hoping that someone, somewhere would wisen up and realize there is no actual way you can film a tampon scene. Rumors swirled, Brett Easton Ellis plugged for his own involvement, a director was chosen, and still we hoped against hope that it was all a joke.

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 18 – Rotten.

by Lorraine August 28, 2013 Books
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EL James only ever starts chapters one second after the previous or with Ana waking up.

Ana wakes up, and it’s her birthday. I’m pretty sure enough has been said about how loathsome it is that her birthday is near or around mine (and so many of you in the comments!) but I’m saying it again, because the Number Gods have deemed that I am to cover her actual birthday on top of it all.

Ana takes full moments to “orientate” herself, and it comes with a sense of deja vu over being at the Heathman again. She “gasps out loud,” and look if these jokes are recycled, file a complaint with EL James who after three books, didn’t learn that a gasp is an audible thing.

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 17 – Useless Information

by Sweeney August 21, 2013 Books
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As usual, we begin exactly where the previous chapter ends, because these books each span approximately 72 hours. Ana is still on the phone with Josecob’s dad and mostly because I’m always looking for a good excuse to procrastinate while doing these posts, I started looking up Jacob’s dad in Twilight. (Google wasn’t sure if I wanted “Twilight” or “The Bible.”) When I asked Google for a gif of Billy Black, I found this:

Lorraine: I thought I would never again be appalled by something someone made. I stand corrected.

Sweeney: This is the internet, Lor. The possibilities are endless!

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Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 16 – Like a ninja.

by Lorraine August 14, 2013 Books
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Last chapter’s curbhanger was the little reveal that Leila, also known as The Ghost of Submissives Past, has shown up and is waiting for Ana at reception with another woman. First, though, female bodyguard Prescott (I’m not sure if we’ve ever mentioned her before) wants to talk to Ana. Prescott says that the GSP is on Ana’s list of “proscribed visitors.”

Think about this for one second. Ana’s husband has drafted up a list of people she is not allowed to see, and he’s done it without her knowledge. She has at least one security guard with her at all times, and they are instructed to make sure that certain people never see her.

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