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Veronica Mars S02 E05 – Who IS your daddy?

by Lorraine September 2, 2014 Season 2
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Wallace heads inside, not too long after Stalker Cop approached him with the whole, “I am your father,” deal. Wallace is clearly distraught. Alicia is happily serving dinner and her first clue that something is wrong is that Wallace says he isn’t hungry. He just met a man in the driveway. A man from Chicago. He angrily asks who they buried in Cleveland and who he cried over for so many days. Alicia says that was his father but Wallace doesn’t get how having two fathers works out. Wallace storms away but Alicia follows.

In the living room, she explains: she married Nathan Woods (Stalker Cop) when she was 21 years old. He started off as a narcotics detective but he went so deep undercover that things got bad.

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Dawson’s Creek S02 E04 – Return of the statutory rape

by DemocracyDiva September 1, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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We open with Dawson and Joey making out on a blanket, which appears to be located adjacent to a sidewalk. It’s a less than ideal location for sexytimes. Joey wants to stop because it’s cold, and I’m like, girl, you are not allowed to even talk about the weather on this show because it DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. (K: A+, girl.) Dawson thinks the location is beautiful and romantic but she’s like, ew, bugs, and also, let’s go indoors please. She calls him cheesy, but also “unbearably sexy,” so I’m gonna need some brain bleach before the credits even roll. They make out, and this scene was totally unnecessary.

After the credits, Mitch and Dawson are discussing Mitch’s meeting about buying a property. His meeting is with Tamara Jacobs, and look, here she is! That’s why she’s back in town wearing dramatic sunglasses, you see.

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The OC S01 E19 – Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

by Alex September 1, 2014 Season 1
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It’s morning at the Cohen house. Sandy is fetching himself some juice when he gets shot in the face with a foam dart. The shooter is Kirsten, and shooting him in the face was her way of wishing him a happy Valentine’s Day. Sandy is unimpressed, not only because he just took a dart to the face before he’d even got his breakfast, but also because Valentine’s day isn’t actually until tomorrow.

Sweeney: That before breakfast is serious. Don’t fucking talk to me, let alone SHOOT DARTS AT MY FACE before I’ve had breakfast.

Lorraine: I’ve never seen Kirsten this excited. Maybe about wine that one time she was drunk, but that was less excited and more, well, drunk.

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Charmed S01 E11 – Crime changes people.

by Lorraine August 30, 2014 Charmed
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Some dude breaks into a house very easily and tries to tell his twitchy friend, Clay, that they have nothing to worry about; the owner of the house is dead. B&Es Are Easy says he’s off to grab the urn. There is a third man present. He follows after B&Es Are Easy and asks if Clay is in the know. B&Es Are Easy says it’s better not to spook Clay, who would totally believe that some curse killed the house owner. Third Man is all, “IDK. Dead House Owner was stung by a scorpion. On an airplane.” B&Es Are Easy asks if Third Man is buying into the curse thing too and despite what he just said about scorpions on airplanes, Third Man is like, “nope.”

They find the Probably Cursed Urn and as soon as B&Es Are Easy touches it, we hear the Tinkling Sound Effects of Magical Things Afoot.

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Supernatural S02 E01 – Is this responsible parenting?

by Kirsti August 30, 2014 Season 2
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We pick up where we left off last season, with the possessed truck driver getting out of his rig. He rips the door off the Bromobile, only to find Sam pointing the Colt at his junk. The demon scoffs that there’s only one bullet left and it’s destined for the Yellow Eyed Demon. Sam has no fucks to give. The demon bails, leaving the truck driver to stare in horror at the three people he’s nearly killed.

Cut to a helicopter landing some time later. The Winchesters are all rushed to the helicopter on stretchers. Sam demands information but the paramedics tell him to stay still. Cut to a hospital. A pyjama-clad Dean wakes up and gets out of bed. He calls out, but there’s no answer. He walks down to the reception desk where a nurse is dealing with paperwork. He asks for help, but she doesn’t react. He waves a hand at her. Still no response. Dean rushes back to the room where he woke up, only to see himself lying in the bed on life support.

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Pretty Little Liars S03 E21 – Pedolationship Realness

by Sweeney August 29, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
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This episode begins shortly after the last, with Emily arriving to hear Spencer’s big secret. Hanna’s not answering her calls, so Spencer has to confess without her: Toby is A.

Marin Manor. Ashley and Hanna return and Ashley wants to call the hospital and the cops, which would have been good ideas a while ago, before she went to get her child to help her with her crime. Hanna explains that now that she’s left the scene of an accident and all, she should just not call the cops. Ashley continues to let her child be the grown up and agrees, but only so long as Hanna promises not to tell her friends about this.

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Veronica Mars S02 E04 – FBLA Shots

by Sweeney August 29, 2014 Season 2
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Veronica, looking a lot more shaken than normal, is at Mars Investigations (doubling as Mars for Sheriff HQ!) calling the hospital to find out Meg’s visiting hours. As she hangs up, an Elle Woods wannabe (D: It’s funny because it’s literally Laura Bell Bundy from the Legally Blonde musical) (S: AMAZING.) struts into the office in desperate need of a detective to investigate her boyfriend and possible fiance because she found a ring while doing her own snooping. Keith isn’t there, but Veronica goes ahead and sells her on hardcore investigative packages. (L: Future Business Leader of America shots!) Keith arrives as she’s leaving and is pleasant, but reminds Veronica that she’s no longer his employee.

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Dawson’s Creek S02 E03 – Playing house

by Kirsti August 28, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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Leery Manor. Mitch pulls down the ladder to Dawson’s bedroom, telling Dawson that he’s just taking precautions against late night creeping around. Dawson tells his father that he’s just in denial about the fact that his kid is “a sexual being.” I throw up in my mouth.

Mitch asks if he and Joey are having sex, and Dawson replies that they aren’t but biologically they can. I throw up some more because EW NO. He says that Mitch needs to accept that someday, his son will have sex and stop locking windows and removing ladders because it won’t do any good. He follows that up with the notion that Mitch should just let him and Joey hang out alone in his room. Mitch is all “LOL NOPE” and leaves. Joey steps out of the closet (LOL) and starts kissing Dawson.

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The OC S01 E18 – Smeghead

by Dutchface August 28, 2014 Season 1
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I just want to start this with their “Previously on The OC” intro simply for… FANTASTIC curtain hair, oh god early 2000’s everywhere. You’d have thought they would have gotten over this by now but NOPE, not in the OC. Also I have come into this having not seen a single episode since the first run just so I can be vague about everything I see in the next 40 minutes… and now on to the show!

Ryan is sitting in his super large pool house, you know the one that is roughly the size of my whole house, reading a book. It could be manga, it could be some sort of school book, I’m not sure; let’s just assume it’s not important to the plot of this episode and move on.

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Supernatural S01 Wrap-Up

by Kirsti August 27, 2014 Season 1
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It’s been a long time coming, but we’ve finally finished recapping season 1 of Supernatural!!

Celebratory dance but not really because we still have nine seasons to go ohgod.

Celebrations aside, let’s rank this shiz, shall we?

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Pretty Little Liars S03 E20 – Masters in Shit Stirring

by Lorraine August 26, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
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Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop, after-hours because there is no one around. It’s the same day as the last episode so the beginning exposition (“Any word from Jason while we’ve been together this entire time?”) is especially clunky. Emily has not heard anything from Jason. Hanna wonders if now that the whole National Adolescent Terrorization Club is out of Rosewood, A will retire. Spencer gives the appropriately jaded, “YEAH RIGHT.” response.

Emily redirects the conversation over to Cece lying to them about knowing Wilden. The girls wonder if maybe she’s Red Coat. Spencer is distracted by an incoming text message. Aria asks her what she thinks and she’s all, “maybe Cece is Red Coat!” Aria tells her to pay attention.

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Veronica Mars S02 E03 – Being bad at money stuff

by DemocracyDiva August 26, 2014 Season 2
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We begin with a Veronica Voice-Over about the magic of senior year. Tis the season of college applications, so Veronica needs to pad her resume with a non-crime-solving-related activity. I’m not sure why – the crime-solving thing would probably look way more attractive to an admissions officer than the stupid FBLA. But that doesn’t get us anywhere, plot-wise, so welcome to the Future Business Leaders of America, Veronica Mars!

Lorraine: I mean, the crime-solving thing did get us plenty of places plot-wise, but we need to get a little creative these days. New reasons to solve crime everyone: extra-curricular activities.

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Dawson’s Creek S02 E02 – Worst friend ever.

by DemocracyDiva August 25, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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Shrine O’Spiel-BLERG THEY’RE MAKING OUT EW EW EW. Will I ever be able to watch Dawson and Joey kiss without recoiling in disgust? Probs not. Anyway, the bedroom door opens and a hand very creepily reaches inside to shut off the television.

Kirsti: SO CREEPY OMG. And also, no. You will never be able to watch Dawson kiss ANYONE without recoiling in disgust. Or maybe that’s just my experience…

Diva: This is shot to look sort of like a horror movie, because Kevin Williamson is the worst, but it’s actually just Dawson’s parents catching him in a horizontal tonsil-hockey tournament with the girl who’s been sleeping in his bed for the last fifteen years.

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The OC S01 E17 – Stalker Boyfriend Revisited

by Wendy Reed August 25, 2014 Season 1
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Open to Seth and Ryan walking across campus.  Ryan is going on about his mistrust of Oliver.  This is totally valid because with my limited knowledge it seems to me that Oliver is bat-shit crazy.  (I should probably mention that I missed this show entirely so I’m almost completely a Snow).  Seth is trying to be comforting but is also being Seth, whose fall back position is sarcastic and nerdy.  I have to say so far my favorite thing about this show is the relationship between Ryan and Seth.  They offset each other well and it does my heart good to see them fall into this friendship.

So Ryan is still going on about Oliver and says he and Marissa are fighting a lot about him.  Seth states Ryan is jealous because Oliver is a rich kid with many exotic locations to whisk women off to.  He also uses the phrase “Dapper Don” (really, Seth?) and all I can think of is this even though I have never watched Mad Men:

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