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The OC S03 E13 – Call me if you need weed!

by DemocracyDiva August 3, 2015 Season 3
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The previouslies are helping me remember how much I hated new!Kaitlin (BRING BACK SHAILENE WOODLEY) and the infuriating way she speaks like she’s got a permanent mouthful of cotton candy. I haven’t seen the previous episode in at least seven or so years, but it’s all coming back to me now.

Cohen House Breakfast Where Everyone Is Way Too Awake For Such An Early Hour But At Least There Are Bagels. Sandy’s big day involves building a hospital, a project he inherited from Caleb. Except they’re still competing with another firm to get the project, or something? Whatever, the important thing is that Sandy needs his lucky tie and Kirsten already got it cleaned for him because these two are an awesome team.

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E21 – Dick measuring with boats

by Kirsti August 3, 2015 Dawson's Creek
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We start with an incredibly long montage. At Leery Manor, Dawson stares moodily at the ugly-ass painting that Aunt Gwen gave him. Joey stares sadly up at Dawson’s window. Pacey is…watering his boat?? IDEK, you guys. He’s hosing down the boat while wearing an awful Hawaiian shirt. Jen walks out of Chez Grams to find Henry standing outside like the creepy serial killer that he is, holding a sign that reads “Jen Lindley: would you please forgive me?” It’s like that scene in Love Actually but weirder. Jen nopes her way back inside, and Grams smirks.

Democracy Diva: Stop smiling, Grams. This douchenozzle wants to guilt your granddaughter into sex.

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Orphan Black S03 E04 – Bullets and blood and brains, oh my!

by Jessica July 20, 2015 Orphan Black
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>We start right back where we ended at the Finch Farm, with Mark facing off against Gracie’s mom. At the end of last episode, she had him cornered in the cornfield and we heard a shot go off.

Closeup on creepy corn. Sigh, it’s ALWAYS creepy corn.

Marines: If I ever have to run into creepy corn, I’m basically doing this:

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Supernatural S04 E10 – Wrong angel

by Kirsti July 18, 2015 Season 4
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We continue on immediately after Cas dropping his “we’re gonna kill Anna” bombshell, and the boys demand to know why because she’s an innocent girl. Uriel chuckles and says she’s far from innocent, and almost as gross as Ruby. He demands that they hand her over. “Sorry. Get yourself another one. Try JDate,” Dean sasses. I admit, I did chuckle a bit at that.

Uriel calls Ruby a “demon whore” so that we can get our first round of misogyny shots over nice and early, and a fight breaks out. Uriel pins Ruby against a wall, and Dean rushes over to help. Cas walks slowly towards Sam, who begs him not to do this.

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The OC S03 E12 – Brought to You by Nyquil

by Wendy Reed July 16, 2015 Season 3
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Hi, y’all. The Snark Ladies have invited me for a return appearance! I’m touched and flattered, but must warn you that due to a cold that will not fucking die, I have been living on cough syrup for about four weeks. If things get really weird, blame the Nyquil. At least as far as the recap, I can’t speak for the show.

We open with Seth looking somewhat pensively into a mirror. Ryan wanders in, asks him why he keeps touching his face, and Seth waxes poetic about a pending pimple that didn’t happen.

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E20 – Fuck you, showrunners.

by DemocracyDiva July 16, 2015 Dawson's Creek
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We begin with a Joey voiceover: she asks if you’ve ever had a day you wanted to live all over again. Like one in which they made out with Pacey, I guess.

Kirsti: Legit, girl. Legit. I think we’d all like to live that day over and over again.

Diva: I want a life-gif of that day.

Dawson and his dad show up to Pacey’s boat with some champagne. They’re greeted by Andie, Jonathan Lipnicki (who I guess is officially part of the family now), and the rest of the gang, save for Pacephine.

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Supernatural S04 E09 – Summer lovin’

by Kirsti July 8, 2015 Season 4
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First things first, friends. I was a teenager in the 90s, so obviously all I can think of when I see this episode title is this:

We should really #snarkathon that, now that I think of it.

Marines: Not a bad idea. I’ll remind you of this when it’s your turn to wake up stupid early on Sunday to lead one again.

K: Thank you.

We open at a mental hospital. A girl named Anna stares spacily out the window as she’s informed that she’s in a mental hospital.

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Doctor Who S03 E04 – What’s with the pigs?

by Kirsti July 8, 2015 Doctor Who
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Gatsby-esque Manhattan. A bunch of showgirls in glittery devil outfits run around backstage at a theatre preparing for the show. One raps on the dressing room of the star – Tallulah – to give her the two minute warning. Tallulah – dressed as an angel – is making out with her boyfriend, Lazlo. He makes her promise to come to Sunday lunch because his mother wants to meet her. Tallulah freaks a little, but Lazlo insists his mother will love her. Ha. Hahaha. Okay, Lazlo. Whatevs.

Marines: I hope this is the thing you find most unbelievable in this entire episode. 

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Orphan Black S03 E03 – Bratr

by Marines July 7, 2015 Orphan Black
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Sarah and Felix drop the Mustached Clone’s body in the tub. They are decked out in rubber gloves and Felix is wearing a smock. Sarah says they should close his eyes, and Felix agrees, but first a drink.

Jessica: An excellent gif that I totally agree with in this situation. This gave me Breaking Bad flashbacks.

Mari: Felix says Mrs. S will know what to do with the body or will at least know someone who will. Sarah doesn’t want to ask for help, but that’s okay, because Felix will definitely ask. They look at the mess of blood and make lots of, “this is awful” comments so we know that it’s about to get way more awful.

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E19 – HMAS Pacephine

by Kirsti July 3, 2015 Dawson's Creek
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In order to adequately recap this episode, I need to start with Snark Lady Storytime: once upon a time (read: July 3rd 2014) in a faraway kingdom (read: Snark HQ), two Snark Ladies were trying to work out how best to recap Dawson’s Creek after season 1. Should we alternate? Stick exclusively to odds/evens? Or alternate and then split the season finale? And I’m not going to lie: my decision was made solely based on the fact that I’d get to recap this episode, and Diva was nice enough to not interfere.

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The OC S03 E11: Operation Free Marissa.

by GeGi July 3, 2015 Season 3
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First off, like so many guest recappers, I have to admit this is the only episode of the O.C. I’ve ever seen. Everything I know about the show comes from reading Snark Squad posts, which basically means I’m pretty sure this is a show about Sandy Cohan’s Eyebrows being the paradigm of good parenting, and also trying to interpret what Ryan and Marissa’s expressions mean. (M: Damn, we’ve done a good job of capturing the essentials!)

ANYWAY, we open with the staring foursome drinking “mocktails” and having a meta conversation about winter break and the show – I mean school – starting back up.

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E18 – Stop blowing holes in my ship.

by DemocracyDiva June 29, 2015 Dawson's Creek
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Because the gods of Squee have been good to us, we begin exactly where we left off – in the first ever Paceyphine make-out sesh. Our beautiful moment sailing our ship on the high seas of feels ends quickly enough when Joey shoves Pacey away from her and calls him insane.

Kirsti: See, kids, this is why consent is important, even when your ship is sailing.

Diva: Yup, I have a consent rant coming too!

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Supernatural S04 E08 – Hate keeps me warm

by Kirsti June 27, 2015 Season 4
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We open with a woman showering and lots of long, lingering shots of her back and legs, because OF COURSE WE FUCKING DO.

Marines: I don’t know why TV and movies try to make us thing that showers are evil. I love showers. Stop trying to ruin it for me, dammit. 

K: EXACTLY.

The door opens behind her and a scrawny looking teenager steps in. The music gets murdery and we get a bizarrely long shot of the shower head. I’m also 90% sure her hair would be really dry because she’s not actually rinsing anything off it.

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Doctor Who S03 E03 – Big ole face

by Marines June 27, 2015 Doctor Who
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We start on a static-y screen. A cheerful news reporter says that there are reports of a stockpile of cars and carjacking. We zoom out and see that we’re in a vehicle of some sort and this couple is at the helm:

Kirsti: A+ description. 

Mari: I’m almost sure that is really what they were going for? I can’t imagine why but it had to be purposeful.

Something is banging up against their vehicle, growling. Ma American Gothic is freaking out while Pa American Gothic assures her that the police are on their way.

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E17 – Something, something and a kiss.

by Kirsti June 25, 2015 Dawson's Creek
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We open in the Witter Jeep, with Pacey driving Joey to the train station. She gushes about how she’ll finally get to use those dance lessons they took, and Pacey squints at an ornate invitation. Apparently AJ has won a creative writing award and there’s a big celebration and dancing?? I’m as confused as Pacey is. He grumbles about it, then tells Joey to ignore him and have a good time.

Democracy Diva: The dancing thing is dumb and only exists so the Powers that Be Contriving can name this episode Cinderella Story. 

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