snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die


Game of Thrones S04 E02 – And then he dies.

by Sweeney April 18, 2014 Game of Thrones
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Lying lying credits on fire and Winterfell’s inexplicable forever smoke kick us off.

After, people are running through the woods. At first I thought a playful thing was happening, and then I realized that Ramsay Snow, the only character more sick and twisted than the Little Shit King, is among this frolicking party. Then I realized that the lead runner is a girl in a pretty white virginal dress, screaming and crying because Ramsay and a woman I don’t recall seeing are hunting her, Most Dangerous Game style, with Theon behind them.

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Pretty Little Liars S03 E10 – Trouble in Pedodise

by Sweeney April 15, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
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Ashley Marin ordered a plant but it’s too big and she’s trying to move it out of the way, asking for Hanna’s help and she teenagers that it’s fine where it is. The Great Contrivance Spirit whisks Ashley away to answer her phone, leaving Hanna to move some small plants out of the way and magically discover an old note from Maya to Emily.

The other Liars all come over so that Hanna can read them the message. Maya’s phone was stolen and she had something that she needed Emily to see. The note asks Emily to meet Maya somewhere, but weather and the fact that the episode just started eroded that part of the note. Just that part. Em’s 100% sure the note is from Maya. The girls are pretty sure it’s the evidence that Garrett is Ali’s killer and that’s why she got killed. Aria looks more closely at the note and guess what wasn’t magically washed away? The date. Maya wrote it the day she died. Maybe it was all that note-writing that got her killed.

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Orphan Black S01 E09 – Nailed it

by Lorraine April 14, 2014 Orphan Black
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We watch as an ambulance carries a broken Kira to the hospital, and then as paramedics rush her into an operating room. Kira and Siobhan follow behind them closely, crying and distraught, until they are told they can go no further. Sarah’s outcry makes me… have hay fever. It’s the weirdest thing.

Sweeney: IT’S THE WORST. I was already pretty devastated over the wounded child but mother-losing-her-shit is a kind of heartsick that is fully contagious.

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Angel S05 E09 – Workin’ 9 to 5

by Kirsti April 14, 2014 Angel
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We open with a pretty hilarious “Welcome to Wolfram & Hart” recruitment video. The guy giving the voiceover is infomercial peppy, and it’s intercut with shots of Angel looking awkward and stating their new employee policy: “If you don’t kill us, we won’t kill you.” That throws us into an alarm clock going off. (S: WEIRD. My version misses that peppy video, starting at the alarm clock, and now I’m sad.) (K: Womp womp…)

Harmony turns it off and throws us into a montage of her getting ready for the day. This includes her looking at her not-reflection and vamping out to brush her fangs as well as her teeth. I stop to wonder how the hell she does her make up when she can’t see her reflection… (S: Mind. Blown.)

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Orphan Black S01 E08 – Nooners

by Sweeney April 10, 2014 Orphan Black
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Art is sitting in the station, staring at Sarah’s ID photo, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. He puts forth doppelgangers and twins as possible explanations, but Deangelis isn’t really sure either one makes any sense. They have to make a house call, since they identified Sarah Manning as their Jane Doe (who was actually Katja) and now they have to make a house call. Art gets Deangelis to agree to keep the Beth-Childs-lookalike thing on the DL until they figure out what’s going on.

Felix’s Frisky Flat. Sarah and Paul wake up in Felix’s bed the next morning. You’ve asked a lot of Felix, Sarah, but kicking him out of his bed so you can have sex while he sleeps on the couch a couple feet away is crossing the line. (L: Still love my siblings. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.)

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Angel S05 E08 – Two too many

by Lorraine April 10, 2014 Angel
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People in the comments were taking bets on how we would react to this episode which would’ve been all I needed to figure out that the Number Gods have seen it fit to gift me with YET ANOTHER Spike episode. It might be a good thing, though. At least I know it won’t be an episode where they shoehorn him in to give one or two punchlines that could be delivered by literally anyone else on the whole team.

Sweeney: You mean *gasp* character development? What’s this mythical concept you speak of? Lor put it best in the comments, but it’s worth reiterating here: didn’t even like this character but WOW has he been badly used by the AtS writers so far.

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Veronica Mars S01 E11 – Are you my mommy?

by Lorraine April 9, 2014 Season 1
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Veronica wishes Keith a good morning and gets a, “you don’t hang out at the Oceanside bars, do you?” in response. So, probably not a great morning for him. She jokes about preferring biker bars, though Keith is not in a joking mood as a 20-year-old co-ed was recently found murdered. Keith shows Veronica the newspaper, which has a big “The E-String Strangler Strikes Again” headline. I read e-string, and my mind immediately went to the Internet. This murderer is probably not strangling people with a string he bought online, though. Just to clarify.

Democracy Diva: At least it’s not a g-string strangler.

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Supernatural S01 E11 – The greater good

by Kirsti April 9, 2014 Season 1
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Burkitsville, Indiana, one year ago. A young couple are ushered out of a restaurant at night by a motherly looking type who gives them an apple pie for the road. Her husband finishes filling their car and gives them polite directions to the interstate. Their niece admires the guy’s tattoo as he gets in the car. The young couple gush about how nice everyone is in town and head out.

A short distance out of town, their car dies. The girl is not pleased to discover that they also have no phone reception. They get out of the car and spy a light through the trees of an apple orchard. The guy heads towards it, and the girl reluctantly follows. Part way in, they come across a creep-tastic scarecrow and stare at it for way longer than I would. The guy calls it “the freakiest damn scarecrow I’ve ever seen,” thereby earning himself a gold star a mere two minutes into the episode. Well done, sir!

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Game of Thrones S04 E01 – Kill a man, earn a horse.

by Lorraine April 9, 2014 Game of Thrones
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I both cannot believe it’s been a year and feel like I’ve been waiting for this forever. Welcome back, dear friends and comrades in misery! It’s time for Game of Thrones, season four.

We open with an extended previously sequence that is much better than what I was able to come up with at the start of this post, but does boil down to a lot of death and bad luck. I mean, I counted: they showed us 8 outright deaths plus the Unsullied attacking a whole bunch of people. The last thing we see is the bloodied sword used to chop Ned Stark’s head off. It is because of these previouslies that I realize that Ned was beheaded by his own sword. It’s like retroactive trauma. NO SERIOUSLY. WELCOME BACK!

Sweeney: I don’t think I could handle watching this show without you guys. I need this weekly therapy session to process all my emotions.

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Orphan Black S01 E07 – Heads or tails.

by Lorraine April 8, 2014 Orphan Black
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Sarah and Cosima are video chatting. Sarah is freaking out because Paul has been called in by Olivier and she hasn’t heard from him since. Cosima is cosima-ing, rolling a joint while telling Sarah that everything is totally fine because Paul is on their side. Trouble is, Sarah isn’t so sure Paul is on their side. He could be ratting them out at this very moment.

Sweeney: Cosima’s nonchalant attitude about serious shit is like Orphan Black’s much more intelligent version of the Aria shrug.

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Angel S05 E07 – Shut your stupid mouth.

by Sweeney April 7, 2014 Angel
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Zoomy cameraman winds us through a warehouse as a disembodied voice monologues about the importance of trust in shady demonic business dealings. Our cameraman friend finds his way to the voice and the Shady Demonic Businessman is giving this monologue to Wesley who snarks about how he ain’t got time for this shit and would like to get to the shady demonic business dealings. He waves a hand to bring in Fred who Wesley refers to as his muscle. He mostly means the gun she developed and is carrying in a case, but I appreciate it all the same. They made this gun to order, but Wesley isn’t giving it to them because Shady Demonic Businessman is just a Shady Demonic Middleman.

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Orphan Black S01 E06 – Fair.

by Sweeney April 7, 2014 Orphan Black
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This episode begins with Alison. She wakes up next to her sleeping, snoring husband, and goes to check her poorly hidden camera. She takes it down to her laundry room of solace to watch the tape. She sees Donnie get up in the middle of the night, but all he does is stand over her and leave before the memory card file fills up.

She comes up to the kitchen to find Donnie grumbling like an asshole about how he has to do everything (LOL, K) as he loads the dishwasher. He sasses her about getting ice because they only have three hours to go until something. Alison asks him where he went in the middle of the night – claiming she woke up to find him gone -

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Orphan Black S01 E05 – Parasites

by Lorraine April 1, 2014 Orphan Black
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We open in a dirty-looking room with some of that murder lighting Helena seems to carry around with her. She’s passed out and a man whose face we cannot see is cleaning up her wound. Helena stirs just in time to name this man Tomas. The camera is doing all kind of unfocused zooming in and out just so we’re clear that we’re in the crazy part of town.

Sweeney: The part of town where they drug our friend the Zoomy Cameraman. Not even he knows what he’s trying to tell us now.

Lor: Sarah’s at Beth’s house, video chatting with Alison, who is nervous about the fact that Helena is still out there. Plus, Alison doesn’t see how Sarah quitting Beth’s job is beneficial at all.

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Angel S05 E06 – Come on, vamonos

by Kirsti March 31, 2014 Angel
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A security guard is on his rounds in a darkened…IDK, warehouse? Factory? It looks like the back end of the brewery I used to work at, anyway. He hears a noise and reports in before going to investigate. Smart, but not smart enough, dude. (L: Right, because he is still investigating darkened basements.) He heads down a flight of stairs, accompanied by the Orchestra of Dude, You Gonna Die. He screams a little at the bottom, but only in surprise because he’s face to face with the ware-facto-brewery’s plumber. He reports in that everything’s fine, then sees the plumber get thrown through the air. He rushes up the stairs (there’s that “not smart enough” part) only to get attacked himself. Something slices at his face and he screams as we see a shadow attack him.

Lorraine: Everyone say it together: THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS.

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Angel S05 E05 – Lack of sleep is evil.

by Lorraine March 28, 2014 Angel
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My lovely closed caption tells me we are starting this episode with “disco woman vocalizing.” Lorne is strutting down the hallways of Wolfram & Hart trying to sell The Grapes of Wrath in space to someone named Jerry. He hangs up that call and his assistant hands him another cell phone. Lorne tells this person that Big B (Jerry Bruckheimer then, yeah?) (K: YUP.) wants to know more details. He keeps up the showbiz talk until he finally makes it to Harmony’s desk, greeting her warmly and complimenting her dress and hair. She does look lovely in pink.

Sweeney: I adore the fact that a Lorne/Harmony friendship is clearly a thing. I’m already completely sold on this episode.

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