snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die


Charmed S01 E22 – Death for all.

by Marines November 22, 2014 Charmed
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The Evil Internal Affairs Officer we’re supposed to suddenly care about in the season finale is going through pictures of the Halliwell sisters. Every time he flips to another picture the music goes DUN. Sparks fly out of his fireplace and materialize into a hooded figure. Evil IA drops to a knee and greets “Tempus.” There was a bad guy on Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman named Tempus. I’d rather be watching that.

Tempus tells Evil IA that he was sent as a gift, as he dramatically removes his hood. Evil IA says he doesn’t need help defeating the Charmed Ones. Tempus is all, “PFFT,” on account of how the girls have defeated so many bad guys this season with their spectacular squinting, reciting, rushing around and dumb luck.

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Doctor Who S01 E09 – Nope Nope Nope

by Sweeney November 22, 2014 Doctor Who
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We begin with the Doctor and Rose frantically chasing something with the TARDIS. It’s mostly a lot of frantic camera motions and the Doctor explaining to Rose that “mauve” is the universally recognized by-everyone-who-isn’t-human color for danger, and what they are chasing is totally mauve. Also it’s headed for the center of London, as dangerous wibbly wobbly timey wimey things tend to do.

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Supernatural S02 Wrap-Up Post

by Kirsti November 22, 2014 Season 2
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Holy shit, you guys. I love season 2 a lot, but there were honestly times when I never thought I was going to finish it. It turns out – perhaps unsurprisingly – that recapping a show by yourself is a hell of a lot more work than recapping a show with one or two other people, even if the recaps are about 1,000 words shorter. So it is with much relief that I reach the end of my solo recapping career. (Anna, don’t ever leave me…)

Anyway, it’s time for the obligatory end of season dance party:

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Pretty Little Liars S04 E15 – Get help yesterday.

by Marines November 21, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
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We pick up right after the last episode, with the girls hanging out at the mausoleum, the hot spot of all the young liars in town. Spencer has flipped through the journal and doesn’t recognize any of the names in it. Hanna says that Ali changed the names around, because she was the kind of girl who even lied to her own diary, or something. Spencer wonders why Hanna kept this to herself for so long and she tries to carefully explain that there is stuff in there that they may not know about each other or stuff they may want to forget. Emily and Spencer get snippy with her for keeping the thing to herself, but Aria calms everyone down.

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Dollhouse S01 E10 – Dead alive

by Marines November 21, 2014 Dollhouse
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Rich people stuff like large lawns and horseback riding: a woman rides up on a horse and calls out to a man named Jack that she’ll be done shortly and he should behave himself. Rich Lady (Margaret) blows him a kiss and rides off. Jack is sitting with a group of his buds and they joke about not actually ever playing tennis, and just sitting around day drinking. It’s all fun until one of his bros sees Margaret’s horse, suspiciously sans Margaret.

Echo is in the chair just after an imprint. She sees Adelle and greets her with a familiar “Addy?” Adelle looks pained as she tells Echo!Margaret that she’s very sorry to be the one to break the news. Margaret is dead.

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The OC S02 E11 – In the mourning

by Tom November 20, 2014 Season 2
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After some scandalous “Previously Ons,” we open on Sandy driving up to the Cohen supermansion. Chirping birds quietly assure us it is, indeed, morning, despite the fact that it could also be, you know, noon. In the magical kitchen, where Ryan is fully dressed and studying for a test, Seth wanders in in a bathrobe and wants to discuss his love life. Ryan displays more of the surliness I would expect from a teenager in the morning, but this seems to be more due to him WANTING to study versus the horrific reality of it being morning and ANOTHER GODDAMN DAY.

For those following along at home, I was the kid who liked to remind everyone that morning and mourning were homonyms FOR A GODDAMN REASON.

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Charmed S01 E21 – Deep love places

by Marines November 19, 2014 Charmed
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Are we done with season 1 yet? Almost? Cool.

Somewhere in San Fran, a woman is clutching a paper bag and walking nervously to her car. Once she gets there, she drops the bag and cuts her hand on a broken bottle. A hand on her shoulder makes her jump, but she’s relieved when she sees that it’s Leo. I guess she didn’t first hear his TINKLE TINKLE TINKLE Whitelighter sound effects. Leo tells Daisy to stay strong for a little longer, until she’s safe. Daisy is worried about a certain “he” with lots of scary powers. Leo heals her hand and she’s shocked by it. He tells her she’s got a special future and he brought her to San Francisco because he’s got powerful friends who can help her. Also, the Charmed Ones are here. (He probably meant them, but whatevs.)

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Supernatural S02 E22 – That’s not healthy

by Kirsti November 19, 2014 Season 2
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We’re treated to another round of Carry On Wayward Son because obviously, then we see Sam’s dead body lying on a bed, Dean standing over him. Let’s just go ahead and do this, shall we?

Bobby walks in with a bucket of chicken, and tells Dean he has to eat something. Dean disagrees and swigs from a flask. Bobby suggests burying Sam, but Dean won’t have a bar of it. Bobby begs for Dean’s help dealing with the whole world ending thing, but Dean yells “Well, then let it end!“. He’s sacrificed enough and he’s done. He tells Bobby to leave. Bobby sighs and heads out, telling Dean he knows where to find him. Dean looks back at Sam’s corpse, a tear rolling down his cheek.

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Pretty Little Liars S04 E14 – Step Away Slowly

by Sweeney November 18, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
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The girls are in Spencer’s room trying to process this big! revelation! that we’ve been hinting at since the pilot. In spite of how stupid this is from a plot perspective I kind of feel Aria on her, “Guys, we just found out that the girl whose murder we’ve been quasi-investigating for 3+ years is actually not dead, CAN WE FUCKING TAKE A MINUTE?” Aria’s confused by her feelings, and I don’t blame her.

Spencer wants everyone to focus on making Ali feel safe enough to come back so they can talk to her. Emily’s the only one willing to point out the obvious: that it’s very possible and so-very-Ali that Ali is A. Spencer tries to run down the names of people Ali could be afraid of and settles on the guy that attacked her in Ravenswood.

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How to Get Away with Murder S01 E08 – Bullshit.

by Sweeney November 17, 2014 How to Get Away With Murder
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This episode doesn’t begin with the improbable bonfire which by itself bums me out for the loss of the familiar. Even worse, it starts with people poking at Lila’s mottled corpse. So. Cool. We jump back 6 months earlier to June 2014 when Lila was still alive. She’s hanging out with Rebecca and speculating about whether her vagina’s going to be all, “Nope, access denied!” because she waited too long to have sex. It’s kind of adorable because while that’s total bullshit, this conversation is also so completely plausible. Rebecca wonders if the sex talk means that Griffin’s given up on that virginity pact and Lila confesses that she met someone whose identity she can’t reveal because, “He has a wife.” It pleases me to no end when the stars are earned by the people the episode is truly about.

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E01 – Terrible decisions for all

by Kirsti November 17, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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We start with some very un-Dawson’s Creek-esque rock music. A hot and sweaty (ugh) Dawson wakes on a bus and turns to check out the hot blonde girl next to him. Except he has drool all over his chin. She informs him of this and follows up with “You’re a very heavy breather, did you know that?” LOL. She asks what he’s watching – right, because his 1999 laptop would have enough battery power to watch an entire movie – and he tells her it’s Risky Business. She scoffs at them having made a teenager losing his virginity to a hooker romantic, and Dawson claims it’s more of a myth. He more or less uses the phrase “boy on the verge of manhood” that I hated so very much from season 1, so I want to punch him in the face more than usual. She declares him adorable, and he introduces himself.

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The OC S02 E10 – Sad Kisses

by KlutzyBallerina November 17, 2014 Season 2
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Hi, hi, hello! I’m Anna, also known as KlutzyBallerina around some parts of the interwebz.

We start with a casual walk down the pier where our three bros are discussing their “manning up” moments that resulted in their relationships (Ryan and Zach) or lack thereof (poor Seth). Seth is equally excited and scared of the possibility of a relationship and/or a threesome with Alex and her “lesbian ex”. Summer joins them and reminds them how her usual breakfast of Zone bars is being replaced by diner food. I’m not sure if this is meant to reinforce how bad her stepmother is or how much of a rebel she is for skipping her diet breakfast. Either way, dinner wins. Lindsay shows up late, of course, and awkwardly forces Seth out of the table meant for four.

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Supernatural S02 E21 – X-Men Assemble

by Kirsti November 15, 2014 Season 2
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Gotham S01 E08 – #deep

by Marines November 15, 2014 Gotham
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A very worried man in suspenders is trying to make his way unnoticed through an what looks like an office/storage area. He slips on a ski mask and makes a run for it, but another identically dressed man leaps out at him. A fight ensues, and it’s a little hard to keep track of what’s going on because I don’t know who is who. One Ski Mask Man rips the blade off a paper cutter and uses that to attack the Two Ski Mask Man. All said and done, One Ski Mask Man cuts Two’s finger off, but in the end, it is Two who wrestles away the blade and hacks One to death. Two lifts off his mask and reveals he is not the original, very worried man we saw. RIP Very Worried Man. We never knew ye. Two looks toward a nearby survellaince camera and now we’re watching him on the video. He lifts his arm in some sort of salute at whoever is watching him.

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Veronica Mars S02 E20 – A little obstructing justice on a Friday night.

by Marines November 14, 2014 Season 2
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Veronica is at the doctor’s office and he’s telling her she has chlamydia. Veronica is in shock and says she has been sexually active but she finds it impossible that the guy, Duncan, could’ve infected her. The doctor levels her with a, “you think you know someone,” and tells her they can treat it with antibiotics. Veronica Voice Over takes us from there to Neptune High, saying that her grandma used to always say that when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. She wishes Grandma Reynolds were alive so she can ask what to do when life hands you chlamydia.

Sweeney: I like the idea that the mother of Lianne Reynolds would have been the sort of grandma that you could go to with your STD struggles. Makes sense.

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