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The OC S01 E09 – I may vomit

by Molly Deininger July 28, 2014 Season 1
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We open with a Cohen family breakfast and a Marissa/Summer powwow at Jimmy’s apartment. It’s back to school time for the kids and everyone is nervous. Seth’s nervous because he’s a huge loser; Ryan’s nervous because he’s about to go to a new school with a bunch of Lukes; Marissa’s nervous because she is a complete and total trainwreck and almost offed herself in Tijuana; Summer’s nervous because, actually no, Summer’s not nervous because she’s just better than the others. Summer reminds her human disaster of a friend that she has to plan the school carnival because she’s still the social chair. I’ve always wondered how people on television shows have enough time before school to hang out at their friends’ houses and gab about life. I was lucky if I had time to make a Toaster Strudel before hauling my ass to school.

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Pretty Little Liars S03 E17 – Juvie do-rags

by Lorraine July 25, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
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It’s been a while, friends, but I’m confident that things are ever as we remember in Rosewood.

Sweeney: A place in which dramatic music and zoomy cameramen keep trying to tell you that EPIC THINGS ARE HAPPENING but the actual rate of change suggests that nothing ever happens here.

Lor: Exactly. That’s the city motto, I think.

We start the episode with a small peek at TOBY ABS! I mean it’s dark and stuff and we’re mad at Toby for being part of the A team and making Spencer cry, but yes. Abs are near.

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Dawson’s Creek S01 E08 – Old habits die hard

by Kirsti July 25, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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Shrine o’ Spielberg. Dawson talks to himself as he flips through the TV stations. He pauses briefly on scrambled porn before settling on classic movies. Convenient, really, because it means that when Joey climbs in the window a second later, she doesn’t find him bonding with Little Dawson. (D: Except Joey would call it “walking his dog,” because she’s the worst.) (K: TRUE.) Joey, who’s borrowed Faith’s coma make up complains about sleep deprivation courtesy of her shiny new nephew and says her GPA is dropping as a result.

Dawson tells her to just stay over, which she rapidly agrees to. She judges him for his choice of movies and he starts to defend Gary Cooper, pining for the days when the nerd could easily get the girl.

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The OC S01 E08 – The Marissa Settlement

by Stephanie July 24, 2014 Season 1
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We begin in the Cohen kitchen. Sandy, Mama Cohen, Ryan and Seth are standing around looking somber on account of Marissa being in the hospital thanks to all those Mexican painkillers. They’re too upset to eat bagels, (L: What even?) (RIGHT?) so Mama Cohen sets up the premise of the episode. Ryan has a meeting with the dean of Rich Kid High, and Sandy and his eyebrows are starting a new job. Just as they’re about to get ready for the day, the phone rings and they all turn to look at it like, “MARISSA!” Personally, I’d rather eat bagels than deal with her.

Lorraine: Also, if they just stare at the phone, they are all doing phone calls wrong.

Sweeney: Or really, really right, since I hate talking on the phone.

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Charmed S01 E08 – These are my confessions.

by Lorraine July 24, 2014 Charmed
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In a parking garage that is strangely lit in blue, one white dude in a suit greets another white dude in a suit, in a stalker-y way. Dr. Mitchell tries to get into his car but the Fanboy Stalker blocks his path and gushes about Dr. Mitchell’s studies in cell degeneration. Fanboy says Dr. Mitchell has become kind of a hobby of his and mentions a paper that hasn’t even been published yet. Fanboy assures the doctor that it will be published and that he will also find a vaccine. Dr. Mitchell asks for what and Fanboy shoots him with a blue laser in the forehead.

The Halliwell sisters are waiting in a line for something and Phoebe brought along a Magic 8 Ball. In public.

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Veronica Mars S01 E21 – A good cry-puke.

by DemocracyDiva July 23, 2014 Season 1
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We open in Havana, Cuba. Funnily enough, it looks a lot like Neptune, except with horses. Duncan is spending some time there to grow an ugly beard hide out for awhile.

Lorraine: That beard definitely looks like it’s trying too hard.

Diva: Keith has managed to track him down, while wearing a hat that makes me fully unable to take him seriously. Duncan wants to know if Keith also thinks he’s a murderer. He tells Duncan that he doesn’t know who killed Lilly, but he knows it wasn’t Abel Koontz. Duncan is all, yeah, but it also wasn’t ME, so let me grow my chin-pubes in peace

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Dawson’s Creek S01 E07 – Like Breakfast Club, but worse

by DemocracyDiva July 22, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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Shrine O’Spielberg. Dawson and Joey are watching yet another movie together, but he gets frustrated with it and shuts it off just before the end. He finds it unbelievable that a girl would decide which guy she wants to be with based on a drag race. Joey wisely points out that someone whose favorite movie is E.T. should not have such a problem with unrealistic films, but like everything else on this show, this is really about SEX.

Kirsti: Also, whose favourite movie is E.T.?! I was terrified of it when I was six, and I’m still terrified of it. Don’t let that thing in your house, Elliott.

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Charmed S01 E07 – Debbie Downer

by Lorraine July 22, 2014 Charmed
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The episode starts and I instantly recognize Danielle Harris from that instant classic Disney Channel movie, Wish Upon a Star. She played the younger, undesirable sister to Katherine Hiegl’s It Girl. The thing I most remember about Danielle Harris are her very expressive eyebrows. I mean, really, she can just lift them up toward her hairline, but that expresses a lot.

IMDB has also informed be that she voiced Debbie Thornberry in The Wild Thornberrys and this is very exciting news for me.

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The OC S01 E07 – Hot mess

by Lorraine July 21, 2014 Season 1
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Sweeney originally called dibs on this episode, but she’s still having grand adventures in Europe, so I told her I’d trade her. (S: And I let go only because I had to because this is an iconic moment in OC history, guys.) Explanation as to why we’re taking a guest posting break and you’re stuck with me over, let’s get to the episode:

Seth practically chases Ryan into the kitchen, trying to convince him that some plan he’s come up with is foolproof, since he goes to a comic book convention every year around this time and his parents trust him.

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Dawson’s Creek S01 E06 – Longest. Day. Ever.

by Kirsti July 18, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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We open in Dawson’s Shrine o’ Spielberg. A black and white movie comes to an end on the TV, and Joey’s all “Cool, BYE.” She claims it’s because her sister’s baby is due like NOW and she needs to help out. Dawson whines that they never watch just one movie on movie night, and she replies that there’s a first time for everything. Like, for instance, Third Wheel Jen being there. Poor Jen – the actual girlfriend – looks hella awkward and is perched on a chair next to the bed, further proving that Dawson Leery is a douchebag. DUDE. Make some room on the bed for her.
Democracy Diva: I am so glad the seating arrangements bothered you as much as they bothered me. If any two people are sharing the bed, shouldn’t it be the people actually dating?

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The OC S01 E06 – Hello, Mrs. Robinson

by Jessica July 17, 2014 Season 1
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After the previouslies, we start off with a shot of the Cohen car filled with food. Sandy “Eyebrows” Cohen makes a crack about feeding Kirsten’s dad to get his love, and while that probably won’t work on Mr. Evil Corporate man, that would definitely work on me. Just sayin’. (S: Cosign.)(L: And another +1 makes it a party.)

Kirsten’s dad (Caleb) enters and cheerfully calls himself the devil so we don’t have to. Outside, Seth and Ryan talk about Caleb, and how he’s Mr. Big Money. Seth points out that he, like Ryan, came from humble beginnings and they’d probably hit it off.

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Charmed S01 E06 – Bridezilla

by Lorraine July 17, 2014 Charmed
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A young woman (Allison) walks through a garden having lots of feelings. We know this because she touches a rose and sighs. She’s met by a man (Elliot) who hands her a white rose. She says they’ve spent lots of time planning their wedding and she doesn’t want anything to go wrong.

Their kiss is interrupted by a woman with an uptight hairdo, asking Elliot, her son, about the marriage certificate. They couple has plans to get it handled the next day but Mommy Uptight wants them to do it RIGHT NOW. Elliot asks what her deal is, but she doesn’t answer because the soundtrack just whooshed at her.

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Veronica Mars S01 E20 – Classic douche lines

by Lorraine July 16, 2014 Season 1
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Neptune High Parking Lot. Veronica’s car has stopped and lots of people are honking at her and generally being shit waffles because they SEE Veronica is having issues, so why honk? Logan and his Brogans are casually passing by, in “making jokes about poor people” distance. Logan is carving up an apple and Veronica grabs his knife all while brushing off their subpar insults.

Sweeney: 1430s all around for your Logan and his Brogans and for Veronica’s delightful snark.

Democracy Diva: I was also going to give Lor a 1430 for “Logan and his Brogans,” so congrats, you get a 2860!

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Orphan Black S02 E10 – Nothing personal

by Lorraine July 15, 2014 Orphan Black
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This show ended up taking Sweeney and I by surprise for a reason that’s unique to our experience: it’s a pain in the ass to recap. Part of what intrigues me about the whole Snark Squad project has a lot to do with the material we pick and cover and how it lends itself to scrutiny. It’s hard to tell what a recapping experience will be like before we get a few posts under our belts. Anyway, the point is that this is better than average material that just takes SO. LONG. to cover. I’ll go into the construction of this season a little more at the end, but there was never an easy way to recap one of these episodes. It was always a many, many hour ordeal.

Which also (partly) explains why this is so late.

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Dawson’s Creek S01 E05 – Genetic doucheface tendencies

by DemocracyDiva July 15, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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Shrine O’Spielberg. Dawson and Joey are having a disaster movie marathon because there’s a hurricane a-blowin’. Gail and her not-so-secret lover Bob are covering the storm on TV, and are overtly flirting with each other during the broadcast because they’re bad at secrets. Dawson’s parents still don’t know that he knows about the affair, and he’s too tired to deal with feelings, so he asks Joey, “You mind if I sack?” Is this an actual thing that humans say? (K: Maybe it was in the 90s??) Anyway, Joey basically tells him to deal with his shit instead of hiding out in the storm. Instead, he broods and watches his mother and her mastress (man-mistress? Guys, it’s so sexist that there isn’t a word for this!) on the news.

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