snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Charmed

Chamed S03 E08 – Oblivious.

by Marines April 26, 2017 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Chamed S03 E08 – Oblivious.

We start in the Halliwell kitchen with Prue and Piper working on a potion to vanquish Belthazor. Piper’s getting a little squeamish about the ingredients, but this mostly serves as an opportunity to exposit that they got a slice of Belthazor flesh last episode and should be able to vanquish him now.

Prue calls for Phoebe, but Piper says their little sister is not in a vanquishing mood because she’s worried about Cole. She hasn’t heard from him in a week. HMMM. SUSPICIOUS TIMING.

Read more →

Charmed S01 E01 – Worst boyfriend.

by Marines June 30, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E01 – Worst boyfriend.

I’ve tried to mini-recap several shows and nothing ever panned out. If you are reading this post, SUCCESS. If your name is Sweeney, and you are reading this post in our Trash, at least I tried. Tell no one about my failures.

San Francisco under a full moon and lots of rain. A lady feeds her cat, then chants a spell for protection. All the while we see someone sneaking up behind her. She startles, but then relaxes when she sees who it is. Probably she should’ve stayed on her guard or maybe worked a little harder on that protection spell because the cloaked figure stabs Witchy Cat Lady.

Read more →

Charmed S01 E02 – Control yourself

by Marines July 3, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E02 – Control yourself

We start at Quake. The name of the restaurant is stylized on a piece of reinforced concrete that is cracked down the middle. GET IT?

Phoebe finds Piper at the bar. As per usual (or based on 2 episodes…) Piper is freaking out. Seems the chef that hired her promptly quit and left her to run things alone. This is clearly not the restaurant Piper auditioned at in the pilot, so perhaps she had to do a full rebrand too. Phew! She must be exhausted. Not too exhausted to notice that Phoebe is wearing her dress., though. I have sisters too. I can spot my dress on one of them from an admirable distance away.

Read more →

Charmed S01 E03 – Witches have daddies too.

by Marines July 7, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E03 – Witches have daddies too.

The Halliwell sisters bicker lightly as they leave the Manor. Prue doesn’t want to go to some housewarming party, Phoebe definitely does, and Piper tries to distract her sisters with tales of bad hair day.

A dog with weird, glowy eyes watches the sisters as they cross the street to the party. The girls find their new neighbors, siblings Marshall, Fritz and Cynda. Once small talk is done, Prue wants to leave, but Phoebe directs her attention to where Andy is standing nearby. They’ve set her up. Phoebe and Piper shuffle off as Andy comes over to ask Prue out again. He’s rejected. Again.

Read more →

Charmed S01 E04 – Amazingly simple

by Marines July 10, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E04 – Amazingly simple

Andy tells Prue that he was nowhere in the neighborhood and decided to stop by. Prue appreciates his honesty. I still think that on the scale of trying too hard, he’s landing on the side of “weird.” He’s got an early birthday gift for her and it comes in a Tiffany blue box but is in no way related to jewelery. What Prue gets is a key to a room at the Calistoga Spa and they leave in a week. I’m not sure what kind of hotel is in the habit of giving physical keys a week before check-in but OKAY. Maybe the key is a more symbolic.

Prue is hesitant so Andy clarifies that he got them adjoining rooms, because he respects her wish to take it slow. He asks her to think about it, gives her a kiss and leaves. “Happy birthday to me,” she says in a tone I can’t quite figure out because acting is hard.

Read more →

Charmed S01 E05 – How not to deal with rejection.

by Marines July 14, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E05 – How not to deal with rejection.

Phoebe runs into Qua ke and some bro comes over to ask if she’s a terrorist because she’s the bomb. As much as I’m sure I could end the recap there, another random bro taps into this bad pick-up line ring, asking if it hurt when Phoebe fell from heaven. She whispers in his ear that she’s a witch, not an angel, because she’s on a one woman mission to basically announce that to everyone, ever.

Phoebe joins her sisters, who are staring at a couple making out at the bar. Phoebe and Piper moan about being single. A cheery waitress delivers a drink to Prue and points out the man in the restaurant who sent it to her.

Read more →

Charmed S01 E06 – Bridezilla

by Marines July 17, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E06 – Bridezilla

A young woman (Allison) walks through a garden having lots of feelings. We know this because she touches a rose and sighs. She’s met by a man (Elliot) who hands her a white rose. She says they’ve spent lots of time planning their wedding and she doesn’t want anything to go wrong.

Their kiss is interrupted by a woman with an uptight hairdo, asking Elliot, her son, about the marriage certificate. They couple has plans to get it handled the next day but Mommy Uptight wants them to do it RIGHT NOW. Elliot asks what her deal is, but she doesn’t answer because the soundtrack just whooshed at her.

Read more →

Charmed S01 E07 – Debbie Downer

by Marines July 22, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E07 – Debbie Downer

The episode starts and I instantly recognize Danielle Harris from that instant classic Disney Channel movie, Wish Upon a Star. She played the younger, undesirable sister to Katherine Hiegl’s It Girl. The thing I most remember about Danielle Harris are her very expressive eyebrows. I mean, really, she can just lift them up toward her hairline, but that expresses a lot.

IMDB has also informed be that she voiced Debbie Thornberry in The Wild Thornberrys and this is very exciting news for me.

Read more →

Charmed S01 E08 – These are my confessions.

by Marines July 24, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E08 – These are my confessions.

In a parking garage that is strangely lit in blue, one white dude in a suit greets another white dude in a suit, in a stalker-y way. Dr. Mitchell tries to get into his car but the Fanboy Stalker blocks his path and gushes about Dr. Mitchell’s studies in cell degeneration. Fanboy says Dr. Mitchell has become kind of a hobby of his and mentions a paper that hasn’t even been published yet. Fanboy assures the doctor that it will be published and that he will also find a vaccine. Dr. Mitchell asks for what and Fanboy shoots him with a blue laser in the forehead.

The Halliwell sisters are waiting in a line for something and Phoebe brought along a Magic 8 Ball. In public.

Read more →

Charmed S01 E09 – Foreshadowing grandma

by Marines August 20, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E09 – Foreshadowing grandma

I took a few weeks off of Charmed during vacation and I feel like I’ve forgotten everything that’s happened. Something tells me that won’t matter.

Salem, Massachusetts, 1692. Some woo-woo music plays as two men unlock a door where a woman is being held. She (Melinda) asks why he (Matthew) betrayed her and he says she got what she deserved. Matthew pretended to love Melinda, took her powers and then turned her in to be burned at the stake. Melinda rips her locket off and throws it at Matthew, telling him to keep his trinkets. He chuckles and opens it for contrivance reasons. Inside is a petal that bursts into a small flame. Melinda recites a curse and steals back her power.

Read more →

Charmed S01 E11 – Crime changes people.

by Marines August 30, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E11 – Crime changes people.

Some dude breaks into a house very easily and tries to tell his twitchy friend, Clay, that they have nothing to worry about; the owner of the house is dead. B&Es Are Easy says he’s off to grab the urn. There is a third man present. He follows after B&Es Are Easy and asks if Clay is in the know. B&Es Are Easy says it’s better not to spook Clay, who would totally believe that some curse killed the house owner.

Third Man is all, “IDK. Dead House Owner was stung by a scorpion. On an airplane.” B&Es Are Easy asks if Third Man is buying into the curse thing too and despite what he just said about scorpions on airplanes, Third Man is like, “nope.”

Read more →

Charmed S01 E12 – When all of a sudden, hair.

by Marines September 10, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E12 – When all of a sudden, hair.

I love when we unintentionally develop crossover magic here in Traumaland. Here, we have another wendigo episode! If we really want to this a thing, Wikipedia tells these shows have wendigo appearances: X-Files, Blood Ties, Fear Itself, Haven, Grimm, Hannibal, Teen Wolf or My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. You never know.

Piper got a flat tire on the way to meet Prue and Phoebe for dinner. Phoebs is trying to talk her through changing a tire via phone call, but things go south quickly when Piper tries to use a wooden spoon to jack up the car. Phoebe offers to go and get her, seeing as how she’s stranded and only has a broken wooden spoon to protect herself. Somewhere, Buffy is all, “girl, that’s enough!” Especially in the later seasons when minimal effort was required to pierce through the chest.

Read more →

Charmed S01 E13 – Superstition ain’t the way.

by Marines September 17, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E13 – Superstition ain’t the way.

Prue and Phoebe are shopping when the shop owner tells them she wants to close up. Prue thought the shop was open until 1am, and usually it is, but not on the eve of Friday the 13th. Dawson Leery might be around the corner, waiting to scare you because he likes you. Prue tries to rush Phoebe along as the shop owner looks nervously at the clock. Phoebe quickly decides on a good luck charm.

At the register, Phoebe asks Prue to pay for her charm. The shop owner asks them to sign up for her mailing list and tells them about a Wicca gathering for the spring equinox. Prue says they never said they were witches and the shop owner gives them excellent, “bitch, please.” eyes.

Read more →

Charmed S01 E14 – The Powers That Be Contriving

by Marines September 20, 2014 Charmed
Thumbnail image for Charmed S01 E14 – The Powers That Be Contriving

A black man sits down to dinner with his son when suddenly, some thugs (according to the episode description) break into the house. Thugs grab the boy and tell the dad that they’re going to borrow him and will return him Monday. It’s all rather polite right up until the Thug with the gun knocks the dad unconscious.

Halliwell Manor. Phoebe is painting her toenails in the attic, where her sisters are spring cleaning. Prue is doing most of it with her telekinesis. She hopes that doesn’t count as personal gain and I’m already laughing bitterly. “Personal gain” might be this show’s “soul.”

Read more →