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Pretty Little Liars

Snark Squad Founder Sara took a little bit of a leave of absence from the site while she did some important stuff, like get married. For the site’s two-year-anniversary, she was poised to make a comeback and knew exactly what show she wanted us to cover: PRETTY LITTLE LIARS. “Trust me,” she said. “It’ll be great.”

A million secrets, a thousands suspects, hundreds of non-plots and some of the worst outfits we’ve ever seen later, here we are. Sara is watching the series for the second time, before this project Lorraine saw one season before quitting and Sweeney is our resident Snow. (We use “Snow” lightly because ABC Family is famous for having the most spoiler-rific adverts ever. Still, try and keep the comments spoiler free!)

Join us as we try and figure out the show’s big mystery. No, not the identity of A, but rather, WHY HASN’T ANYONE MOVED?

Pretty Little Liars S01 E01 – Everyone’s a Murderer

by Sara May 3, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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We open up in a barn with four obnoxiously gorgeous girls and 3oh!3’s “Don’t Trust the Girl” playing in the background, which is a pretty suitable song choice. When the power goes out, the sleepover party gets a little freaked, especially when they hear a noise outside. They get up to go Nancy Drew the situation when the door creaks open, and OH FUCK! ….Wait, no, it’s just a fifth gorgeous girl, Alison. If only one of the Pretty Little Liars had hit her with a bat or something, right? Then I guess we’d just be watching Pretty Little Girls Who Are Kind of Boring and Don’t Do Much and Nothing Murdery Ever Happens, and that title doesn’t have the same ring to it.

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E02 – Sex and Bacon

by Sara May 10, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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Sara: We open up right after the funeral, with the girls drinking coffee at the local Rosewood diner. They wonder why Jenna would have been at the funeral, because of that whole The Jenna Thing thing.

Lorraine: A nice big cheer for PLL’s first gold star ever!

Sweeney: Pretty sure several people earn the star today, so congrats to all! And to the writers, for successfully reducing the number of actual words they had to come up with/string together. We’re always proponents of people who manage to do less work at work.

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E03 – A Shitty Turnout

by Marines May 17, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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Our Pretty Little Liars are walking through a wooded area. You know, the kind where pretty girls get raped and killed and stuff. Emily is leading the other, somewhat reluctant girls back to the shed, site of the original murder-y slumber party, to build a memorial to Alison. Spencer thinks going back to the scene of the crime looks weird and Emily asks if she’s worried what other people think. Spencer is all, “UM, WE HAVE OUR OWN DETECTIVE STALKER WHO THINKS WE KILLED HER, SO YES I CARE.”

Sweeney: Word. I love how Emily tries to make it a whole BE YOURSELF! ish thing both because of the pot/kettle thing and, more importantly, being investigated for murder is a whole other level of “Yes, what other people think of you matters.”

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E04 – It’s not going to happen.

by Sweeney May 24, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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Hanna is in lots of trouble with her mom partly for wrecking her boyfriend’s car, but mostly for the fact that there are cops at her house again and she can’t sex her way out of this one for Hanna. Poor Mama Marin. It seems like this is the first time she found a problem her vagina couldn’t solve.

The PLL’s are talking about the exciting new memorial bench the town is putting in and the flowers they’ll plant and BFF tiles they will all make for Alison. Hanna still has Alison’s bracelet and she is not happy about it. The other girls hesitate, but Spencer takes it and tells the girls to grow the fuck up.

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E05 – True Love Waits Until After High School

by Sara May 31, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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Sara: The PLLs are all at Spencer’s house, where parents don’t exist, talking about the note A sent to Aria’s mother. I would much rather have seen A send a note about Aria dry humping her teacher. Does A have a request line?

Lorraine: Or perhaps she’s hiring? CALL ME A! I have references!

Sweeney: Pages and pages of your qualifications for the job, in fact. She need only visit this blog for proof of all the training you’ve received.

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E06 – If it quacks like a murderer…

by Marines June 7, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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Aria is in bed pouting to a St. Lola in the Fields song and flashing back to the pedo-y highlights of her brief “relationship” with her English teacher, Ezrafitz. Her wet-day-dreaming is interrupted by the other members of the Pretty Little Liars who have come to stage an intervention. They want Aria to get out of sweats, which I’ve got to admit, has happened to me before. The part about my friends showing up at my house and going, “OMG PUT SOME REAL PANTS ON, WE ARE GOING OUT.” True story.

Sweeney: Any friends who tried to demand that I put real pants on would be promptly cut out of my life. True story.

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E07 – Learn About It

by Sweeney June 14, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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We pick this episode up exactly where the last one left off and our Pretty Little Liars are running through the halls looking for Emily. They consider splitting up, but resolve to “split up together” when nobody wants to be left alone to get picked off by Creepy Toby who they probably incorrectly believe to be A.

Lorraine: Hey, I’m awarding points for at least knowing that you don’t wander around alone looking for the guy who comes with his own murder-y soundtrack.

Sweeney: This is true. I forgot about his murdery soundtrack.

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E08 – Spencer Hastings Don’t Do Drafts

by Sara June 18, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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[…]

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E09 – BAMF Parenting

by Marines June 21, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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Spencer, Aria, and Hanna are gathered around the Hastings’s kitchen table. Aria is quizzing Spencer on vocabulary words while Hanna whines about having to learn them. Hanna asks Aria about Noel Khan, but Spencer interrupts to remind them both that SAT’s are just 12 hours away. Spencer and Hanna are so precious, even Aria is made tolerable by their presence. Also, I love Spencer’s “messy hair” here. Yeah, girl. That’s what I look like when I’m studying too.

Sara: I don’t think I even caught on to the fact that she had “messy” hair! I bet she also wakes up with perfect loose curls and rosy cheeks.

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E10 – Glamping

by Sweeney June 25, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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[…]

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E11 – Seth Cohen Syndrome

by Sara June 28, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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We open up Moments Later, well, moments later. The person who hit Hanna jumps out of the car and runs away. A has to be killing it with the cardio. Hanna’s mom gets stopped by the police and at first she’s all, “WHAT STOLEN MONEY? I mean, is there something I can help you with, Officer?” There’s good news and bad news. Good news: Nobody knows she stole from Mrs. Moneybags. Bad news: Someone got hit by a car, and it was Hanna.

Dear A, please aim for Aria next time. Love, Sara.

Sweeney: Cosigned, Everyone.

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E12 – Where not to hide your stolen money.

by Marines July 2, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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Lorraine: Aria, Emily and Spencer are walking into Hanna’s house. Hanna is fiddling with a “Humpty Dumpty was pushed” sticker on her cast. She explains that she’s trying to keep it on so she won’t have to see the message A left on her cast.

Aria suggest a new, more mellow sticker, but Spencer defends her choice. “It was either Humpty Dumpty or, ‘Jesus is coming. Look busy.'” I’m questioning the sticker choices at the Rosewood Hospital gift shop.

Sweeney: This feels consistent with the Rosewood we’ve come to know and rage out over.

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E13 – Sad Cupcakes

by Sweeney July 9, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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We begin the episode in the Hastings home. It’s late at night and Spencer’s creeping. She hears her sister and Ian having a whispered conversation, but runs back to her room when the stairs creek. As soon as she gets back, she has an email from A asking if they married for love or an alibi. Big eyes, Shhh. See, the show has Aria shush us after people do scandalous, sneaky shit.

Lorraine: A always has the best timing. Imagine if Spencer found that email after talking to her parents. Awkward!

Sweeney: The next morning, Spencer tip toes around the house and is all, “AAH YOU KILLED ALI!” when Ian enters the kitchen.

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E14 – Sponsored by Aria’s Crazy Face

by Sara July 16, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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Sara: The girls watch the extended version of the “I Know You Wanna Kiss Me” video, which has Alison saying that she has to get back to the barn before the PLLs get suspicious. The girls see the end of the video, where the camera is turned around on Ian. The camera is knocked to the ground, and Ali’s hand grabs at the dirt and my closed captions say she groans. Hanna points out that there are things besides pain that make people groan (sex) but Spencer doesn’t seem to think that’s it.

Lorraine: To be fair, she’s grabbing handfuls of dirt in the scene too, which seems like more of a desperation thing than a, “woo! This feels so good!” thing. I mean, unless dirt is your thing. IDK.

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Pretty Little Liars S01 E15 – Arrested yet?

by Marines July 19, 2013 Pretty Little Liars
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Lorraine: The Liars all come down the stairs at the Hastings Manor, led by Aria. They complain about the early hour, but Aria says she has to show them something important. Aria pulls up the picture of Alison being followed by a shadow on the night she was killed. Spencer insists the shadow following Alison is totally Ian, but since last week it was Toby, I say we don’t take her word for it.

Aria prints out the picture as Hanna asks if Aria’s been up all night. Aria non-answers, but Hanna can tell she hasn’t slept because one eye is bigger than the other. “You look like a strung out Power Puff girl.” I love Hanna and am only sad that I didn’t think of this association first.

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