snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

After Chapter 28 – What is the male form of mistress?

by Marines April 4, 2017 After
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The chapter opens with Noah remarking that Hardin was pretty pleasant and not so bad, because Noah has never interacted with people, ever. Tessa starts thinking about the time she cheated on her boyfriend and crawls into said boyfriend’s lap to find the fire again. He tries to push her off and asks what she’s doing. Tessa gets embarrassed and says she wants to make out and Noah responds “Okay?” question mark included, so I’m feeling unsure about consent here. I continue to feel uncomfortable when Tessa starts to rock her hips against his and Noah stops her and she moves his hands and keeps doing it.

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After Chapter 27 – A new outlook on makeup.

by Marines April 4, 2017 After
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Tessa is showered and composed by the time Steph gets back from the movies. She kind of wants to tell Steph about what happened (meaning the rubbing and kissing), but she also kind of doesn’t want anyone to know. She makes a joke about how Hardin was his usual charming self and Steph looks at her real concerned. (S: Keep being concerned, girl.) The (brilliant as always) comments from last week got into how awful it would be to have a boyfriend who was an asshole to everyone but you. That is so damn true. I mean, why would you even want to be with someone who treated literfeally everyone like trash?

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Gilmore Girls S01 E08 – Snow Presents

by Marines April 3, 2017 Gilmore Girls
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Oh hey, it’s great to be back in Snark Squad HQ and it’s even better that Mari let’s me ramble about one of my favourite Gilmore Girls episodes.

Sweeney: Mari’s out with a case of having the world’s most inhumanly absurd schedule, but I agree that she is very great. (K: I have been wondering if she has a time turner somewhere.) Gif dance party for Mari in the comments. I’ll start:

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After Chapter 26 – Hate on, brats.

by Marines March 28, 2017 After
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Oh boy. Here we go.

Tessa tells us that Hardin’s hand is on her thigh and she hopes he never moves it. Sounds like an awkward way to live but okay. She studies his tattoos, making special note of an infinity symbol on his wrist. Apparently she’s a tattoo whisperer (M: lol) because she knows that this one is extra special to him. He asks her what kind of food she likes, and Tessa takes a moment to let us know how refreshing it is that he asked her a normal question.

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After Chapter 25 – HIGH ALERT.

by Marines March 28, 2017 After
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Okay, Hardin has Tessa in his car 90% against her will and we don’t know where he is taking her. Everyone, we are on HIGH ALERT.

Samantha:

Captain Kirk is worried.

Mari: As he should be!

First up: Hardin takes Tessa down a gravel road and turns off the music so that she can hear all the little stones crunching beneath the tires. Tessa realizes that they are very, very alone, away from people and building and cars and also police. I added the last thing. HIGH ALERT remains; this seems awful murder-y.

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Designated Survivor S01 E09 – Wearable Wallpaper

by Dani Denatti March 16, 2017 Designated Survivor
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We begin at night, in some random office building. A middle-aged guy sits in his cubicle, looking around furtively as he copies something onto his laptop. Then we get an aerial shot of him sitting in a bathroom stall, opening said laptop with a screwdriver, and then removing a tiny storage chip from the hard drive inside it. Not sure that’s a thing, but let’s go with it. (S: The only way to survive SnarkTV, really.) He places the chip into a tricked-out quarter that opens to reveal a cavity that perfectly fits a tiny storage drive. Cool!

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A Series of Unfortunate Events S01 E04 – Impotent Rage

by Marines March 15, 2017 A Series of Unfortunate Events
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Look away, look away!

Lemony says there is no word to describe waking up and knowing instantly that something is wrong. (Dani: Sure there is: “Monday”) (Annie: Truth.) This is what happens to the Baudelaires the morning after we last saw them (bad feeling, not Monday), as they wake up to the sun rising and not thanks to their Uncle Monty.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 16 – Peak FUBAR

by Catherine March 14, 2017 Books
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Jacob wakes up (-_-) on the floor when Edward decides that it’s time to cool Bella down. He heads out with Leah to do “the deep run” while Seth stays on patrol. They don’t find anything. I just recapped 3 pages. You’re welcome.

Marines: I love these reminders that this is way too many words to describe boring crap and utter horrors. 

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20 Reasons Buffy the Vampire Slayer Endures – #BuffySlays20

by Marines March 13, 2017 Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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Almost five years ago, our baby website decided to expand from its usual fare (the terrible books we read as children) to cover a TV show. At the insistence of my friends, I’d watched the pilot episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer even before the founding of the blog. In fact, “Childhood Trauma” was the first name of this blog, thanks to the classic line in the pilot. When it came time to pick a show to cover here, it seemed natural to start with Buffy.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 15 – Building up to baby love

by Catherine March 13, 2017 Books
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The title of this chapter is ‘Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock’, which is appropriate because I can feel my life slipping away as I read it. (K: Samesies.) (A: Ditto.)

We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it’s because, although Leah is ‘trying hard’ to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn’t like the vampires and she doesn’t like Jake and Seth’s friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it’s because he understands her hostility better now.

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Charmed S03 E07 – Andy-love

by Stephanie March 8, 2017 Charmed
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The episode begins with Cole and Phoebe kissing in bed, so I already don’t like it. Phoebe says that she feels like Cole pulls away whenever they get close, and he responds by literally pulling away and turning from her. (M: Wow. Phoebe is good at picking up on these things.) Phoebe presses a bit more for some truth and Cole transforms into his demon form and attacks her while going “RAWRRR.” Just kidding! It’s a nightmare.

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After Chapter 24 – Very pure intentions.

by Samantha March 7, 2017 After
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So Tessa can’t focus on studying and decides to try a shower. Showers are a sort of magic so it helps relax her, and she realizes that she’s nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. I mean, can you believe it? She’s nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin! Wow.

Marines: She “realizes” this even though we’ve suffered through 24 what-are-chapters of her being nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. This girl is 139 characters short of a full Tweet.

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After Chapter 23 – If you can’t say vagina, you can’t have vagina.

by Marines March 7, 2017 After
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Tessa meets with Landon to study. She tells us that it took her an hour to organize all her notes after Hardin threw them around LIKE A DICK. I’m convinced that you can add LIKE A DICK to any action Hardin takes and it’s 100% accurate. (S: This shall be fun.) Tessa wants to tell Landon about it but “I don’t want him to think badly of me.” Ummmmm, why would he think badly of you after some jerk threw around your stuff? (S: Yup, this reeks of victim blaming mentality.)

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 14 – New pants saga

by Annie March 7, 2017 Books
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Jacob returns to the Cullens’ house to find Edward has left out a set of clothes for him. He takes the clothes that reek of vampire back to the forest to make sure Edward hasn’t played a trick on him or given him ladies clothes or something. Because cross dressing is both HILARIOUS and something to be embarrassed and ashamed about. Haha, lol.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 13 – Wolves and their shorts.

by Catherine March 6, 2017 Books
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Hi, hello there! I’m back from 1- Three business trips in a month 2- moving into a new apartment in a nearby city 3- CATCHING THE FLU and 4- having Breaking Dawn be number 247 on my list of overall priorities. Luckily for you all (?), I missed you guys and so here we are.

Annie: I don’t know if I’d use ‘lucky’ and Breaking Dawn in the same sentence, but let’s do this. 

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