snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Doctor Who S05 E01 – It’s definitely new.

by Marines April 19, 2017 Doctor Who
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I remember portions of this episode very vividly. I think I took a break between the end of Ten’s tenure and the beginning of Eleven; enough of one that watching this episode felt like jumping into a new experience in more ways than just the changes that came with it. I stopped watching Doctor Who with Matt Smith because we started this recapping project, and I figured I’d catch up to more recent seasons when we got there to recap. I was young and optimistic and thought that would be sooner rather than later. lol.

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After Chapter 32 – Hardin is the Kool-Aid Man.

by Samantha April 18, 2017 After
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Okay well here I go. To recap Tessa and Hardin alone in a room at night again. With sex implications in the terribly written text. Alright. Here we go. Oh, wait, man, have I asked how you all are recently? Anything new?

Marines: Just rip the bandaid off, girl. This garbage fire has 90-something chapters.

Samantha: …….fine. According to my Kindle app we’re only 26% done.

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After Chapter 31 – Don’t try this at home.

by Marines April 18, 2017 After
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Tessa tries to take a step back from Hardin, but “his grip is too strong.” We’re going to totally ignore her lack of bodily autonomy in this very moment because she’s so! shocked! and! over! whelmed! that Hardin just said he wants to be good. If it is THIS SHOCKING that someone has set the pretty mid-level bar of being good, perhaps don’t date that person. #SnarkLadyAdvice (S: #MaybeLiterallySavesLivesInThisCase.)

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A Series of Unfortunate Events S01 E05 – Married to the sea.

by Dani Denatti April 17, 2017 A Series of Unfortunate Events
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New guardian means new credits! This time we’re told that this guardian is wracked with fear and panic and they end up on a boat that might as well be the Titanic. (S: Meanwhile I overthink where a Titanic reference puts us in time.) So, you know, look away, look away!

We start at an old-timey looking news station for Lachrymose News, “where things keep happening until they stop happening.” I know this “it keeps happening” feeling because it encapsulates all of my feelings about the current administration.

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Doctor Who S04 Wrap-Up

by Kirsti April 15, 2017 Doctor Who
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It took us more than a year to finally get out of Series 4, partly because we tagged all the Tennant specials into this season, but mostly because we so slow. We did it though and the super struggle bus of getting here only makes this gif dance party celebration all the more earned:

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 18 – The bloody Quentin Tarantino chapter.

by Catherine April 14, 2017 Books
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Welcome to the bloody Quentin Tarantino Chapter of Breaking Dawn, also known as nope, nope, fucking no, nope.

The title of this chapter is ‘There are no words for this‘. Aptly named. I’m still not sure that prepares us all for what is to come in this chapter, but I’m doing my best.

Kirsti: Come, friends. Let us gather around the Snark Lady Booze Cupboard and drink its full contents before proceeding with this abomination of a chapter.

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Designated Survivor S01 E10 – Running in Heels

by Dani Denatti April 13, 2017 Designated Survivor
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We open to the car crash, where Agent Hannah Wells is either dead or unconscious. Some dude comes to check on her, and he seems really kind, talking to her all calmly and telling her not to move her neck. Then he strangles her. Um… what? Why spend all that time comforting her if he’s an assassin who’s supposed to kill her? Maybe the show thought using misdirection here would add tension, but it just ends up making this guy look like the most incompetent assassin ever. I bet I know where he buys his assassin-gear.

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Doctor Who S04 E18 – Excuse me while I ugly cry.

by Kirsti April 12, 2017 Doctor Who
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After a recap of what happened last time, we jump straight into the credits. Farewell, Russell T Davies era credits and title screen. I love you forever. (M: I’m glad the farewell tour is starting so early!)

DOO WEE OOO!

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After Chapter 30 – Is this scene over yet?

by Marines April 11, 2017 After
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I’mma just preface this with I hate this mother fucking douche so much.

Hardin and Tessa go sit on the patio. Tessa says that his touch is literally burning her skin so someone get this girl some ice.

Marines: That’s an allergic reaction, not romance, baby girl.

Samantha: Tessa tries to muster her harsh tone so, we’ll see how long that lasts.

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After Chapter 29 – Boo-boos.

by Marines April 11, 2017 After
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Previously: Something is wrong with Hardin so Tessa leaves Noah in the dust. — Marines: Landon texts Tessa an address, which she copy and pastes into her “maps program.” Why are the people who write these terrible, abusive, poorly written “romance” stories also terrible at technology? Who says “maps program” instead of just maps or GPS? I’ll even take navigation. ARE THEY ALL ALIENS? Samantha: I mean, honestly, it’s the only explanation. Mari: Tessa is super confused about why Landon needs her and it’s at this point that I begin to suspect that Hardin sent these god damn messages himself. I’m going to leave this probably wrong prediction here because it doesn’t truly matter. All that matters is that about a […]

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 17 – Brainless and Heartless

by Catherine April 10, 2017 Books
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I feel like you guys aren’t even going to believe this chapter name but I am here to faithfully report it: What Do I Look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.

The drama is real. Also, I’m not convinced Jacob has a brain or a heart so…

Kirsti: Neither. Neither is good. (Seriously though – that chapter title is fucking ridiculous. No wonder this book is seven trillion pages long…)

Annie: Everything about this is ridiculous, so at least Meyer is staying on message?

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Doctor Who S04 E17 – This is a terrible plan.

by Kirsti April 6, 2017 Doctor Who
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We open in space. We zoom past the Moon to Earth. A narrator tells us that in the last days of planet Earth, everyone had bad dreams. Except that everyone forgot because people are dumb. Well, one person remembered. We zoom in on Wilf(!!!!!!), watching happily as a Salvation Army band plays Christmas carols. He hears a maniacal laugh in his head, and shakes himself.

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After Chapter 28 – What is the male form of mistress?

by Marines April 4, 2017 After
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The chapter opens with Noah remarking that Hardin was pretty pleasant and not so bad, because Noah has never interacted with people, ever. Tessa starts thinking about the time she cheated on her boyfriend and crawls into said boyfriend’s lap to find the fire again. He tries to push her off and asks what she’s doing. Tessa gets embarrassed and says she wants to make out and Noah responds “Okay?” question mark included, so I’m feeling unsure about consent here. I continue to feel uncomfortable when Tessa starts to rock her hips against his and Noah stops her and she moves his hands and keeps doing it.

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After Chapter 27 – A new outlook on makeup.

by Marines April 4, 2017 After
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Tessa is showered and composed by the time Steph gets back from the movies. She kind of wants to tell Steph about what happened (meaning the rubbing and kissing), but she also kind of doesn’t want anyone to know. She makes a joke about how Hardin was his usual charming self and Steph looks at her real concerned. (S: Keep being concerned, girl.) The (brilliant as always) comments from last week got into how awful it would be to have a boyfriend who was an asshole to everyone but you. That is so damn true. I mean, why would you even want to be with someone who treated literfeally everyone like trash?

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Gilmore Girls S01 E08 – Snow Presents

by Marines April 3, 2017 Gilmore Girls
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Oh hey, it’s great to be back in Snark Squad HQ and it’s even better that Mari let’s me ramble about one of my favourite Gilmore Girls episodes.

Sweeney: Mari’s out with a case of having the world’s most inhumanly absurd schedule, but I agree that she is very great. (K: I have been wondering if she has a time turner somewhere.) Gif dance party for Mari in the comments. I’ll start:

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