snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Pedolationships.

The unquestioned pedophilia problem in Rosewood got so bad that it merited a tag all its own. If we are to believe TV portrayals of pedolationships, they’re just like our relationships! Except for the part where someone could be thrown in jail for them. So, almost the same.

See also: pedoalert

Dawson’s Creek S04 E12 – Crappy birthday, Pacey

by Kirsti October 7, 2016 Dawson's Creek
Thumbnail image for Dawson’s Creek S04 E12 – Crappy birthday, Pacey

Pacey’s asleep on the sofa when Joey wakes him up by singing happy birthday and shoving a cupcake in his face.

He’s none too pleased by this method of being woken up, and hopes like hell for no further acknowledgement of his birthday because birthdays are the actual worst.

Chelsea: This is not the way to wake someone up, ESPECIALLY ON THEIR BIRTHDAY. You let them wake up naturally and then bribe them with cake.

Read more →

Pretty Little Liars S05 E13 – Just A-ing around.

by Samantha August 25, 2016 Pretty Little Liars
Thumbnail image for Pretty Little Liars S05 E13 – Just A-ing around.

I love a good holiday episode. This one starts with the girls walking outside on a picturesque Hollywood Christmas set, otherwise known as a street in Rosewood. Spencer says that since she’s out on bail for murder she’s not really vibing Christmas. Fair. Her and Toby agreed to just surprise each other with gestures. Hannah confuses gestures with jesters and I love her. They decide to write wishes down on paper snowflakes for a wish tree. Hannah sadz that the last time she was here she was with Mona. This throws us into a brief flashback that I feel comfortable calling an Ali-back just because Hannah is looking very Ali here. Mona and Hannah giggle and declare themselves bffs.

Read more →

Eclipse Chapter 08 – Baby Love

by Kirsti July 16, 2016 Books
Thumbnail image for Eclipse Chapter 08 – Baby Love

Bella and Jacob end up on the beach again, and he asks if she thinks the Cullens will come get her. She says they won’t, but that they’ll be hella pissed when she goes back. He suggests not going back, and her only response is that Charlie would love that because he’s biased towards “my Quileute friends“. Uh. You mean Jacob? The rest tolerate you because of him, girl.

Annie: Actually, Charlie is biased towards anyone who isn’t the controlling, abusive, blood-thirsty boyfriend, but you tell yourself whatever makes you happier to stay in that relationship, Bells.

Read more →

Game of Thrones S05 E09 – Happy Hunger Games!

by DemocracyDiva November 13, 2015 Game of Thrones
Thumbnail image for Game of Thrones S05 E09 – Happy Hunger Games!

Diva: It’s snowing furiously over a camp. Zoom in on Melisandre, who looks a lot more frightened than her usual DGAF demon-birthing self. Suddenly tents start bursting into flames, many different ones at once. The camp explodes into chaos, and there’s a screaming horse on fire, just in case you weren’t absolutely sure you were watching Game of Thrones.

Marines: It’s too cold for boobs, I guess, so dying horse it is.

Read more →

Pretty Little Liars S05 E09 – Showdown at the eye doctor’s office

by Jessica October 12, 2015 Pretty Little Liars
Thumbnail image for Pretty Little Liars S05 E09 – Showdown at the eye doctor’s office

Marin Manor- Hanna’s room. Spencer and Emily are taking on our job momentarily and poking holes in Ali’s Noel-scares-Hanna’s-mom plan from last episode. Spencer’s particularly grumpy with her horse-kicked eye. (M: I’d be grumpy about everything with a horse-kicked-eye.) They all question Ali’s decision but she snaps at them that Noel is the one she can trust, since all they do is ignore her SOS calls and spy on her every move. She storms out to go call her dad.

Read more →

Dawson’s Creek S03 E13 – Romantic particles

by Kirsti April 27, 2015 Dawson's Creek
Thumbnail image for Dawson’s Creek S03 E13 – Romantic particles

We open at the Potter B&B, which makes a pleasant change. Joey’s helping Pacey run lines for the play, but gets all “skrrrt, NO” when she sees that the next page requires her to get all swoony and lovey-dovey. Oh, sweetie. Just give it a few more episodes.

Democracy Diva: Is it too early to squee? I feel like it’s too early to squee.

K: It’s never too early to squee.

Read more →

The OC S03 E04 – I Hear Poor People Theme Bad

by Katie April 6, 2015 Season 3
Thumbnail image for The OC S03 E04 – I Hear Poor People Theme Bad

I wanted to start off this recap by reminding readers, or telling those new to The O.C., that you have to look at Season 3 as the darkness before the dawn. Hang in there, because Season 4 is going to be SO much better. Too bad Season 3 scared away all the viewers and the show got canceled after the fourth season.

The core four drive up to Newport Union High School. Seth exposits that this is Newport’s answer to public education. Marissa, you see, having been kicked out of Harbor and left penniless by Caleb’s death, is now forced to endure the indignity of PUBLIC school.

Read more →

Pretty Little Liars S04 E18 – Dramatic Chickpea Reveal

by Marines December 12, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
Thumbnail image for Pretty Little Liars S04 E18 – Dramatic Chickpea Reveal

Alison is in a phone booth saying very vague things that are both boring and difficult to recap. We cut to Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop, where Shana is in a little… phone booth closet? For using cell phones? (S: This is both absurd and exactly the sort of hipster retro bullshit I could see being a real and actual thing at a place like One Coffee Shop.) She watches all the Liars arrive and tells Alison as much. Alison asks Shana for assurance that she can get “it,” but Shana has to go because the Liars all turn toward her and are just going to stand there at stare at her, I guess. Spencer asks if they can trust her now and Emily uses the non-human logic that if Ali trusts Shana they should too. That’s cool except for the part where Ali is certifiable. BUT OKAY.

Read more →

Pretty Little Liars S04 E17 – Tooth trauma

by Jessica December 5, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
Thumbnail image for Pretty Little Liars S04 E17 – Tooth trauma

Aria and Emily are walking together at night, talking about the movie they just saw (and a really annoying person who kept talking during it– for whom a special level of hell exists).

Aria brings up Spencer, and things get awkward. Aria says that Spencer was trying to protect her (by stalking her), but Emily said she was just being controlling. Emily’s annoyed and believes they’ll never hear from Ali again. Somehow, I find that doubtful.

Marines: It’s cruel to suggest that could happen, show.

Read more →

Pretty Little Liars S04 E16 – Best of Both Worlds

by Sweeney November 25, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
Thumbnail image for Pretty Little Liars S04 E16 – Best of Both Worlds

We begin exactly where the last episode ends. Given that no episode seems to span more than one or two endless days, the trend toward running episodes one into the next like this only contributes to the overall meaningless of time in Rosewood. The Pretty Little Liars struggle with GPS and technology and stuff and try to make their way to the Busy Bee Inn, where Ali may or may not be hiding out.

Busy Bee Inn. The liars go into a room that appears to have broken into (shattered window) and which has been occupied by a female squatter who dresses kind of like Ali.

Marines: She picks up a single floral blouse. “Ali would wear this!” And so would a gabillion other girls and some boys, congrats.

Read more →

Pretty Little Liars S04 E15 – Get help yesterday.

by Marines November 21, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
Thumbnail image for Pretty Little Liars S04 E15 – Get help yesterday.

We pick up right after the last episode, with the girls hanging out at the mausoleum, the hot spot of all the young liars in town. Spencer has flipped through the journal and doesn’t recognize any of the names in it. Hanna says that Ali changed the names around, because she was the kind of girl who even lied to her own diary, or something. Spencer wonders why Hanna kept this to herself for so long and she tries to carefully explain that there is stuff in there that they may not know about each other or stuff they may want to forget. Emily and Spencer get snippy with her for keeping the thing to herself, but Aria calms everyone down.

Read more →

Pretty Little Liars S04 E14 – Step Away Slowly

by Sweeney November 18, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
Thumbnail image for Pretty Little Liars S04 E14 – Step Away Slowly

The girls are in Spencer’s room trying to process this big! revelation! that we’ve been hinting at since the pilot. In spite of how stupid this is from a plot perspective I kind of feel Aria on her, “Guys, we just found out that the girl whose murder we’ve been quasi-investigating for 3+ years is actually not dead, CAN WE FUCKING TAKE A MINUTE?” Aria’s confused by her feelings, and I don’t blame her.

Spencer wants everyone to focus on making Ali feel safe enough to come back so they can talk to her. Emily’s the only one willing to point out the obvious: that it’s very possible and so-very-Ali that Ali is A. Spencer tries to run down the names of people Ali could be afraid of and settles on the guy that attacked her in Ravenswood.

Read more →

Pretty Little Liars S04 E07 – Baby Tones

by Sweeney October 7, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
Thumbnail image for Pretty Little Liars S04 E07 – Baby Tones

We open on Marin Manor where Spencer and Emily are doing dishes and being passive aggressive. Spencer apologizes for Toby, but says he’s not ready to talk yet. Emily snaps that they need to focus on Hanna right now, which is Aria’s cue to enternounce that these two talking is step 1 and getting Hanna to actually eat is step 2. Spencer suggests mozzarella sticks and I have a vague recollection of Hanna’s love of mozzarella sticks being a thing in another episode, because obviously moments where the girls are being cute are vastly superior to anything vaguely resembling “plot.” (L: Plus, FOOD.) The girls exposit that Hanna’s being shut out of lawyer meetings and when Spencer suggests the others go home and rest, they insist that they’re fine to stay because the only way to get Hanna through this is together. D’AWW. The downside of their cuteness is that there is nothing to snark when they are being adorable.

Read more →

Pretty Little Liars S04 E04 – Keeping face

by Marines September 26, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
Thumbnail image for Pretty Little Liars S04 E04 – Keeping face

Best Papa Fields gets home, greets Emily and quickly sends her on her way. Because every other day she has full hours for coffee and crime investigating, but on the day her dad gets home, can’t be late! No time!

Sweeney: Emily, girl, reexamine all of your priorities.

Lor: Hanna and Caleb are already at school, discussing Shitbag Marin’s missing gun. Caleb’s all, “hey, all we know is there may have been a gun in the room when your mom got there and it was definitely gone after she left.” Caleb says if Wilden was shot with a 38, Ashley is in trouble. Hanna’s response is to just forget everything about murder and evidence and stuff because it’s too hard.

Read more →

The OC S01 E23 – Nana is only nice when she plays by her own rules

by Renee Powers September 15, 2014 Season 1
Thumbnail image for The OC S01 E23 – Nana is only nice when she plays by her own rules

Forewarning: I’ve never seen a single episode of The OC until right now. And I’m starting with Episode 23 so I’m sure it’s going to make total sense. From what I understand, it’s about a bunch of rich white dudes, maybe in a blended family, set in California (arguably one of my least favorite states) (S: REALLY? SADZ.), and deals with rich people problems like sex, drugs, and alcohol.

Totally like my life.

Let’s do this.

Read more →