snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Youth Mauling Bear

The Youth Mauling Bear is perhaps the most beloved character in all of Traumaland. Lor first introduced us to, of all things, a biblical story, while recapping a Sweet Valley book. We fell so in love with the idea, that we began imagining the YMB, as we call him, into nearly all the rest of our stories. Lor is pretty sure she gets Jesus points or something for this.

Just to make sure she gets those points in full, here is the post-excerpt (from SVH #5) that birthed the YMB:

Maybe it’s all this talk of woods and bears and annoying youths, but I am reminded of something: There’s a little known story in the Bible about the prophet Elisha. See, he was walking along one day, minding his own business, doing official prophet things I’m sure, when some “youth” started yelling at him and basically called him baldheaded. Elisha was bad ass though, and was all, “I curse you in the name of Lord, yo,” and he kept walking. Some time later, two female bears just came out of the woods and mauled 42 of the youths.

This might be the first time I’m reading SVH and wishing it were more like the Bible. Where the heck is a youth mauling bear when you need one?

New Moon Chapter 24 – Love means auditory hallucinations

by Kirsti April 7, 2016 Books
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You guys, we are so close to the torture being over. SO CLOSE.

This chapter is called “Vote”, so WHO KNOWS WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?!

Edward grabs Bella and jumps out the window before putting her onto his back like a baby monkey and running off into the forest. Now that she’s a daredevil and not a wuss, Bella keeps her eyes open and thinks that vampire piggyback is far superior than riding a motorcycle for thrills. She kisses Edward’s neck and he promises them both that he’ll win her trust back.

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New Moon Chapter 05 – Anti-Human

by Marines March 5, 2016 Books
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New Moon Chapter 03 – Break-Up Coma

by Marines March 3, 2016 Books
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Gosh, I just can’t seem to remember if anything important or significant happens in this chapter.

Annie: Does anything important or significant ever happen in SMeyer’s books until she remembers that they should have a plot in Chapter 22? My prediction is no.

Catherine: I guess we’ll have to read on and see.

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Doctor Who S04 E04 – Maybe just ride a bike?

by Kirsti February 19, 2016 Doctor Who
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We open at Rattigan Academy, which looks a hell of a lot like Francis Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. But whatever. (M: I’m sure it’s totally different.) A bunch of teenagers in red hoodies and tracksuit pants (sidenote: I find it fascinating how many different terms exist for tracksuit pants. In Australia, they’re generally trackie daks. In the US? Sweatpants. In the UK? Tracksuit bottoms. TELL ME WHAT YOU CALL THEM, I NEED TO KNOW) drag a well dressed woman out of the building and down a flight of stairs as she yells at them to release her.

They drop her to the ground, and throw her stuff after her. A weedy little nerd boy in a grey hoodie and jeans sasses at her and tells her to spell his name – Rattigan – right if she prints it.

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Supernatural S05 E02 – Man jewellery and manpain

by Kirsti November 25, 2015 Season 5
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After a hundred thousand years of previouslies (M: One year for every current season of Supernatural) (K: #accurate), we open in Bobby’s hospital room. He’s sitting in a wheelchair, staring sadly out the window. I find it hilarious that he’s wearing a dressing gown and his trucker’s cap. Sam watches from the doorway. Dean appears and says they have to cheer Bobby up. Sam says they need to prepare themselves for Bobby not bouncing back this time. Dean looks feelsy.

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Gotham S01 E15 – Butter knife coup

by Alex March 4, 2015 Gotham
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It’s a stormy night in Gotham. (M: WHAT?! It’s usually so bright and cheery.) A random guy with white hair arrives home to his Generic Gotham Apartment and grumbles about the wind blowing through an open window. He goes to shut it, but two guys in hoodies appear and grab him as he screams in terror.

Fish wakes up on the floor in some kind of prison, dashing my hopes that her leaving Gotham the city for a while also meant she would be leaving Gotham the show. Sigh. She asks the friendly-looking guy nearby if she’s dreaming, and he replies that he hopes so. Two scary-looking thugs saunter over, chuckling to themselves.

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Charmed S02 E06 – Second hand embarrassment

by Marines January 7, 2015 Charmed
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We start in nature with two guys who clearly want to be bear-mauled. By that I mostly mean that they are in nature and seeking out a particular cave. Their faces are really dirty and I don’t know why. I guess they rolled most of the way here? Hesitant Dirty Face thinks the cave looks small for a mine shaft, but Stupid Dirty Face is all, “s’whatever. Let’s go in.”

Inside the cave/shaft, they quickly come upon “get the hell out of there” things like cob webs, a skeleton and bats. (S: They’re like, “Oh hey, look, a skeleton.” Totally normal for those to be lying around near cave entrances.) Stupid Dirty Face thinks this is all great and believes the gold they are looking for is in or behind a wall with ominous red markings. He starts chipping at the wall (?) and very soon, smoke pours out of a crack.

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The OC S01 E17 – Stalker Boyfriend Revisited

by Wendy Reed August 25, 2014 Season 1
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Open to Seth and Ryan walking across campus.  Ryan is going on about his mistrust of Oliver.  This is totally valid because with my limited knowledge it seems to me that Oliver is bat-shit crazy.  (I should probably mention that I missed this show entirely so I’m almost completely a Snow).  Seth is trying to be comforting but is also being Seth, whose fall back position is sarcastic and nerdy.  I have to say so far my favorite thing about this show is the relationship between Ryan and Seth.  They offset each other well and it does my heart good to see them fall into this friendship.

So Ryan is still going on about Oliver and says he and Marissa are fighting a lot about him.  Seth states Ryan is jealous because Oliver is a rich kid with many exotic locations to whisk women off to.  He also uses the phrase “Dapper Don” (really, Seth?) and all I can think of is this even though I have never watched Mad Men:

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Firefly S01 E12 – Hat Trick Completion.

by Sara February 28, 2014 Firefly
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We open at a cool looking floating space station that looks like it has lots of TV monitors on it. So basically my dream home. Inside, there’s a carny guy in a tall hat telling passerby that he’ll convince them to believe in aliens once they see what’s inside his freak show circus tent. The Mad Hatter says it will haunt their dreams and harrow their very soul.

Lorraine: I love the idea that humans are now in space, and people are still debating the existence of aliens. “Yep. They’re here…. somewhere…”

Sweeney: LOOK HARDER, HUMANS! Look harder.

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Angel S04 E15 – Arf, arf.

by Kirsti February 3, 2014 Angel
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Kirsti: We start literally where we left off, with Angelus biting Faith’s neck. Suddenly, he stops and drops her, scurrying backwards. “What…did you do?” he asks. Flashback to a few minutes earlier. While Angelus was taunting Wes, Faith grabbed a syringe from her boot and injected something into her arm before re-entering the fight. Back in the present, Angelus staggers around briefly before passing out. Wes asks Faith if she’s okay. “Kicked his ass,” she slurs before blacking out. Electric cellos.

After the credits, Fred’s researching behind the desk at the Hyperion when Gunn bursts in the front door, dragging Angelus and screaming Connor’s name. Apparently Wes called him and he went, no questions asked.

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Supernatural S01 E02 – Youth Mauling Wendigo

by Sara December 11, 2013 Season 1
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Blackwater Ridge. Lost Creek, Colorado. Something is growling outside of a tent in the middle of the woods. Three guys inside are playing video games on handheld devices, and HEY. One of them is Cory Monteith! Aw, feels.

Kirsti: Especially seeing as this was one of his few chances to play an age appropriate character. Sniff, tear, sob.

Sara: Another guy is recording a message on his phone for someone named Haley, telling her that he’s fine and will talk to her tomorrow. Probably not if that growly thing has anything to say about it. Also, that’s some sweet cell service!

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Angel S01 E17 – That’s so raven.

by Marines May 16, 2013 Angel
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We start with tight shots of Angel’s and Wesley’s faces alternatively. Denisof really is a handsome man. Boreanaz truly has a prominent brow. The suspenseful music flares up as they realize all the exits are are blocked and they would be spotted right away. Just as Angel suggests shouting fire, we widen the shot to see they are watching Cordelia in a play. Wesley checks his watch: one hour left. Angel: I thought I knew eternity.

K: Punny Angel is punny.

Lor: Roll electric credits.

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Game of Thrones S03 E07 – Unapproved bear mauling.

by Marines May 14, 2013 Game of Thrones
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I gloated during my last episode about how I always get the fun credits. I should’ve learned from Buffy villains and kept the gloating to a minimum: King’s Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Ring of Fire Winterfell, The Wall, and across the Shivering Sea toYunkai.

Jon Snow and his ice-wall-climbing pack of Wildlings are walking along on the green side of the Wall. Which is confusing, because his time spent training at the wall was always very snowy and miserable. Also, there are a lot more Wildlings than I initially thought there were. They only showed us Ginger NotMance (Tormund Giantsbane), Wildling Warg, Ygritte and Jon. But, okay. There’s a whole pack of them.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer S03 E08 – Love’s a bitch.

by Marines January 17, 2013 Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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