snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

and then she dies…

It’s no secret that we often root for certain characters to die. “A fictional death that makes me real life happy” might be one of our more tragically underused tags, because it means that not enough of the people we hate are actually dying off. As such, we’ve started playing this amazing game in which we craft our own headcanon that end in, “and then she dies.” We invite you to play along in the comments.

After Chapter 28 – What is the male form of mistress?

by Marines April 4, 2017 After
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The chapter opens with Noah remarking that Hardin was pretty pleasant and not so bad, because Noah has never interacted with people, ever. Tessa starts thinking about the time she cheated on her boyfriend and crawls into said boyfriend’s lap to find the fire again. He tries to push her off and asks what she’s doing. Tessa gets embarrassed and says she wants to make out and Noah responds “Okay?” question mark included, so I’m feeling unsure about consent here. I continue to feel uncomfortable when Tessa starts to rock her hips against his and Noah stops her and she moves his hands and keeps doing it.

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After Chapter 25 – HIGH ALERT.

by Marines March 28, 2017 After
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Okay, Hardin has Tessa in his car 90% against her will and we don’t know where he is taking her. Everyone, we are on HIGH ALERT.


Captain Kirk is worried.

Mari: As he should be!

First up: Hardin takes Tessa down a gravel road and turns off the music so that she can hear all the little stones crunching beneath the tires. Tessa realizes that they are very, very alone, away from people and building and cars and also police. I added the last thing. HIGH ALERT remains; this seems awful murder-y.

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Supernatural S05 E17 – The Kool-Aid can’t be far off.

by Kirsti April 27, 2016 Season 5
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The previouslies show us Lisa, from season 3, who has a son named Ben. It was the episode with the creepy ass children.

Kirsti: I’m sorry, you’ll have to be more specific. There are at least 2 episodes a season with creepy children…

Samantha: This segues us into the Impala burning rubber down a highway at night. Sam’s arm is injured and they are both a little frantic. They mention how they’ve never seen that many in one place before, just as the Impala screeches to a halt in front of a flaming barricade in the road.

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Grey Chapter 19 – Tudor choral music

by Jessica March 1, 2016 Books
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It’s 2 a.m. and Grey can’t sleep. I can’t either, because his stupid ass is awake and I’m having to read about it, but here we are anyway. He’s busy mulling over ex-submissive Leila, his own “waking nightmare.” In typical Grey fashion, he spends only about .2 seconds (A: seven whole words!) thinking about Leila before making it all about him. Her pain reminds him of his pain as a teenager, or something.

He goes to his piano to play moody music. He’s upset that Ana’s not there, and he can’t just fuck himself into forgetfulness because, damn her, she never signed his contract. So now it’s becoming Ana’s fault, nice.

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Supergirl S01 E02 – Inspirational scores for days.

by Marines November 7, 2015 Season 1
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I haven’t even pressed play to start rewatching this episode and I’m already rolling my eyes. So that’s how I feel about this, friends.

We start with an inspiring voice over as we get an extended sequence of Supergirl flying around. It’s been a week since she’s revealed herself and things are going pretty well. CUE A MISSILE COMING AT HER har har har.

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Gotham S01 E22 – 0% sense

by Marines May 14, 2015 Gotham
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WE MADE IT. Dear God we made it.

More feelings soon, recap first: we start with Selina actually outside, without a home, probably because it will be plot convenient shortly. She’s warming her hands by a trash can fire when she spots across the Gotham river (sea? lake? IDK.) Fish standing at the front of a boat. IDK how the boat got involved after the helicopter, but OKAY. She looks like the Reaper because she’s coming to bring death! But no worries for us because it’s probably only to her one season long contract. #nonspoileryspoilers

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Gotham S01 E20 – Poor Life Choices

by Alex May 2, 2015 Gotham
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Bruce is hanging around under a bridge. Some dodgy guy tries to start on him, but Selina appears and scares him away. She went back to check on Reggie, whose definitely-dead body has now been found by the cops. Bruce gets teary and asks why she did it. Selina yells back that she saved his life by killing Reggie, because otherwise this Bunderslaw guy would have found out what they were up to. Bruce suggests that they go check out Bunderslaw’s safe at the office to find out what he’s hiding, and Selina agrees to help after making him promise not to tell anyone what happened to Reggie.

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Supernatural S03 E15 – And then she dies.

by Kirsti April 29, 2015 Season 3
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We open outside a hospital at night. Two doctors walk out discussing their plans for the night, and how one has to start work stupidly early the next day. They go their separate ways, and we follow one to his car. He puts a bag into the boot and promptly gets shoved in there after it. He bangs on the closed lid. Cut to him staggering into an emergency room, holding his stomach. A nurse walks up and kindly says that he can move his hands because there’s nothing she hasn’t seen before. She pulls his hands away, and his intestines fall out onto the floor. She screams.

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Gotham S01 E12 – Electric Stuff

by Alex January 26, 2015 Gotham
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It’s been nearly two months since I last wrote a Gotham recap, but it still feels like this one came around far too quickly. I know Sweeney and Mari have been feeling really guilty about asking me to recap this show with them, and all I can say is…

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Supernatural S02 E17 – That’s murder, dude

by Kirsti October 29, 2014 Season 2
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San Francisco. A pretty young brunette (Madison) is getting drinks with her friends when her boss approaches and says he needs her back at the office because they have a ton of work to do. She calls bullshit. He sheepishly admits it, then begs for a lift. She calmly says she’s already called a cab. He walks away, and Madison and her friends laugh. But she stops when she spots a surly looking dude in a leather jacket staring at her creepily from across the bar. She looks worried. Cut to her walking to her car alone. GIRL, NO. When she gets in her car and drives off, Leather Jacket Stalker follows. Cut to Madison’s office the following morning. She’s making coffee when she spots blood on her boss’ office door. She finds him dead on the desk, chest ripped to shreds.

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Supernatural S02 E16 – A sixth sense

by Kirsti October 25, 2014 Season 2
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Dawson’s Creek S02 E18 – And then she dies.

by DemocracyDiva October 23, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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Shrine O’Spielberg. We immediately know Dawson is depressed/lonely because he’s hanging out with his mom. They’re watching his movie, and we still have only seen the Rachel Leigh Cook-as-Joey rows-on-the-creek part of the film. I would not be surprised if that were the entire movie. Anyway, Gail raves about how moving and beautiful it is.

Kirsti: She insists she’s not saying any of this because she’s his mother, but she totally is.

Diva: For sure. Dawson says he had a clear vision, but he couldn’t bring it to life on film. (I personally don’t think that’s his problem. I think it’s his vision that probably sucked.)

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Game of Thrones S04 E02 – And then he dies.

by Sweeney April 18, 2014 Game of Thrones
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Lying lying credits on fire and Winterfell’s inexplicable forever smoke kick us off.

After, people are running through the woods. At first I thought a playful thing was happening, and then I realized that Ramsay Snow, the only character more sick and twisted than the Little Shit King, is among this frolicking party. Then I realized that the lead runner is a girl in a pretty white virginal dress, screaming and crying because Ramsay and a woman I don’t recall seeing are hunting her, Most Dangerous Game style, with Theon behind them.

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Supernatural S01 E10 – Bad Juju.

by Sara March 26, 2014 Season 1
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After some previouslies, we start at the Roosevelt Asylum in Rockford, Illinois, which sounds like exactly the place I never want to be. (The asylum part, not the Illinois part.) The creepy cameraman shows some anonymous hands (A?!) cutting through a chain on the door and sneaking in.

Cut to outside, and two cops are pulling up outside of the asylum. One of the cops says that they can’t seem to keep kids out of this place and the other cop asks what it is. Exposity Cop is like, “Oh, I forgot you’re new in town and don’t know the plot of this episode, so let me fill you and the viewers in real quick about the legend of this asylum.” Supposedly the asylum is haunted with the ghosts of the patients, and if you spend the night, they’ll drive you insane. That’s cool and all, but I’m pretty sure the majority of what’s happening in that place (if it’s anything like my small Louisiana town) is lots of pot smoking and sex.

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Orphan Black S01 E01 – Who are you?

by Marines March 10, 2014 Orphan Black
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This pilot has already won me over because the episode has a name. I don’t like it when pilots are titled, “Pilot.”

Sweeney: Same. It also makes it really hard to make the first thumbnail because you just know most episode titles are going to be way longer. HOORAY FOR PILOT EPISODES NOT NAMED PILOT!

Lor: Enthusiasm for the episode title aside, this pilot has also won me over because I’ve seen all 10 episodes of season 1 already. So has Sweeney. There are no Snows here, but as always, we’ll keep the recaps spoiler free. We’re cool that way. On to the episode.

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