snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

beware actual trauma ahead

Childhood Trauma is primarily an opportunity to mock the things we read/watched as kids. Sometimes, though, we suspect actual psychological damage has been inflicted.

BrainDead S01 E09 – Friends, Not Food

by Dani Denatti October 7, 2016 BrainDead
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Our singing recapper (the fabulous Jonathan Coulton) gets a small cameo in this week’s “previously on” bit. But then he gets infected by space bugs, and his head explodes, so I guess the exposure won’t exactly boost his career now.

We begin with Rochelle and Laurel staring at the mysterious SRB-54 door that the guy who attacked Rochelle went through after they released him in the last episode. Laurel prepares a fake package and tries to scope out the room when she delivers it. She spots Dr. Samira, the guy who testified that Syria was behind the exploding heads (even though they weren’t), but then the rude guy who opened the door (Jacob Pitts, Justified) slams it in her face.

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BrainDead S01 E07 – Pure Torture

by Dani Denatti September 14, 2016 BrainDead
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For this episode’s “Previously on BrainDead” song, Jonathan Coulton pretends he wasn’t just as worried as the rest of us when the space bugs got to Laurel.

Once again, we begin where the last episode ended — with Laurel and Gareth at the bar, trying to make things normal again, and Laurel saying she thinks bugs are eating people’s brains and making them stupid. Because that’s a totally normal thing to say.

Gareth is thrown by this, and Laurel admits she is, too. He asks about the bugs but struggles to take any of it seriously.

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Eclipse Chapter 07 – Heartbreak break

by Catherine July 13, 2016 Books
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I can’t believe I got this chapter. I’m actually a little freaked out because I remember it being pretty upsetting and not very funny or easy to make fun of. In fact, I feel compelled to issue a trigger warning here for sexual assault and rape, on the grounds that it’s almost definitely gonna get discussed. Because it’s sort of what this chapter is about. But it’s only in a flashback if that makes you guys feel any better?

Annie: Yeah, I’d completely blocked this part out of my memory, probably on account of it being trigging. Thanks, Stephenie.

Catherine: THANKS, STEPHENIE.

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Game of Thrones S06 E05 – RIP Everyone

by DemocracyDiva May 30, 2016 Game of Thrones
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There is only one way to describe how I feel sitting down to rewatch and recap this episode.

Marines: A+. 1430.

Diva: Let’s do this before I lose my nerve and melt into a puddle of feels.

After some uneventful previouslies/credits, Sansa is sewing and someone delivers her a letter. It has the mockingbird seal on it, so you know it’s from Katniss Littlefinger. She reads the letter and asks how far they are from Mole’s Town, the village near Castle Black renowned for its whorehouses.

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Supernatural S05 E18 – Family feels and queerbaiting

by Kirsti April 30, 2016 Season 5
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Is anyone else going to spend the rest of the recap singing Phantom of the Opera, thanks to this episode title? No? Bueller? Okay, fine. I’ll actually recap this thing.

Samantha: Unfortunately, Phantom is one of the musicals I don’t know by heart yet, but I am going to kick things off with this gif in celebration of the 100th episode!

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Supernatural S05 E14 – Excuse me while I hurl.

by Kirsti March 19, 2016 Season 5
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I’m not going to lie, you guys. When I saw that I had to recap this episode, I nearly threw up in my mouth. Because the opening scene is SO FUCKING SQUICKY AND I CAN’T DEAL WITH IT. But because I love you, I’m going to power through.

Samantha: We really appreciate you.

K: The previouslies remind us about the Four Horsemen and Sam’s demon blood addiction, so we’re clearly in for a fun episode…

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Supergirl S01 E11- Dying is easy, young man.

by Marines February 23, 2016 Season 1
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Our exposition-on-the-fly this episode is really Kara reading a letter from Cat to her estranged son, basically being like, “sorry I wasn’t a parent.” While that voice over plays, Supergirl saves a family stuck in a camper from a forest fire. Because FAMILY.

Catherine: At first I actually thought her ‘sorry I neglected you’ letter was about the earth. Like, ‘sorry I wasn’t saving you quicker’ and I was like, huh, this is cool. But no. And now I’m not sure why I went there.

Mari: They should hire you.

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Jessica Jones S01 E03 – Scary Tennant

by Stephanie January 25, 2016 Jessica Jones
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We open with the wonderful credits which go on for a half hour because I’m still watching them over and over. (Ha ha. JK. That would be weird…)

Credits over, the scene picks up where we left off last time. Jessica is still feeling up Luke’s unbreakable pecs and abs, but this time, in a more sexual manner. She tears off his shirt (M: how is he even getting home now JESSICA) and they start aggressively making out. The pants are quickly unzipped and they have super powered sex against a wall.

Sadly, they’re interrupted when the male half of the Creepy Twins peeks in. Jess slams the door in his face.

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Jessica Jones S01 E02 – Awkward ’cause of sex.

by Samantha January 4, 2016 Jessica Jones
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I love this shooooooooooow. Okay. We open with the Marvel logo and the pretty and disarming credits. I love how the music starts kind of low key and quaint and then builds into this more rock thing.

Credits over, Jessica Jones is sitting in a police interrogation room. A detective comes in and she tells him that she’s not sure how much more she can tell him. He comments on her tension and she’s basically like “Yeah. I watched people get murdered by an abused and controlled girl at the end of last episode. Of course I am.” He asks how she got in touch with the Shlottman’s and how she found Hope.

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Game of Thrones S05 E09 – Happy Hunger Games!

by DemocracyDiva November 13, 2015 Game of Thrones
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Diva: It’s snowing furiously over a camp. Zoom in on Melisandre, who looks a lot more frightened than her usual DGAF demon-birthing self. Suddenly tents start bursting into flames, many different ones at once. The camp explodes into chaos, and there’s a screaming horse on fire, just in case you weren’t absolutely sure you were watching Game of Thrones.

Marines: It’s too cold for boobs, I guess, so dying horse it is.

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Doctor Who S03 E10 – The littlest ship

by Kirsti September 23, 2015 Doctor Who
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I’m really curious to recap this episode, because it’s easily been one of my favourites up until now. (Which is odd because it’s written by Steven Moffat, and I’ve basically hated everything about his time as show runner…) But favourite things don’t always stand up to being watched incredibly slowly, so…we’ll see.

We open with CAREY MULLIGAN!!! climbing over a creepy fence into the grounds of a creepy house in the creepy rain accompanied by creepy music. There’s a “Danger: Keep Out” sign on the gate.

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Supernatural S04 E11 – White people are dumb

by Kirsti August 5, 2015 Season 4
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In a creepy old house in the middle of nowhere, an older guy is watching TV when the lights suddenly go out. He eyerolls a little and heads over the door, but it’s locked. He’s confused, and turns to see a ghostly girl appear out of the closet. “Y-you? It’s impossible!” he says before yelling at her to stay away from him. She smiles creepily and we see blood splatter all over the walls as the guy screams.

CREEPY BIRDS!

After the Not Credits, Sam wakes up in the backseat of the Bromobile.

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Supernatural S04 E04 – Just like your dad

by Kirsti May 28, 2015 Season 4
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We open with a close up of an iron pentagram, then pan down to see that Sam and Ruby 2.0 have a demon tied up underneath it. Sam asks where Lilith is, and the demon sasses at him. We then get in a double dose of misogyny shots when the demon says that Sam’s “slutting around” with Ruby and then calls her a bitch. Not even 30 seconds in and we’re two shots down. It’s going to be a long road, friends…

Marines: At this rate, though, we won’t even feel it. 

K: Thank Heaven for small mercies.

Sam does his angry nostril twitch and holds his hand out. The demon pukes up black smoke, which burns away into the floor.

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Gotham S01 E22 – 0% sense

by Marines May 14, 2015 Gotham
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WE MADE IT. Dear God we made it.

More feelings soon, recap first: we start with Selina actually outside, without a home, probably because it will be plot convenient shortly. She’s warming her hands by a trash can fire when she spots across the Gotham river (sea? lake? IDK.) Fish standing at the front of a boat. IDK how the boat got involved after the helicopter, but OKAY. She looks like the Reaper because she’s coming to bring death! But no worries for us because it’s probably only to her one season long contract. #nonspoileryspoilers

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Gotham S01 E21 – Failure to Emote

by Alex May 4, 2015 Gotham
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Oh hey. It’s me again, reviewing a Gotham episode for the third time this week. What can I say? The prospect of the season finale next week gave me a renewed sense of purpose. That, and the desire to be done with this show forever and ever.

Marines: She kept asking, “want me to do the next one?” and the answer was always yes. Yes forever.

Alex: So. It’s morning at Christian/Milo/Ogre’s apartment and rather than away screaming when she saw the murder chamber last night, Barbara instead spent the night there having lots and lots of sex.

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