snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Contrivance

This is perhaps our most used tag, because it’s a sin every writer is guilty of sooner or later. It’s an old school tag from the blog’s Childhood Trauma origins, but it finds its way into every series we cover. That’s OK though because contrivance really does seem to bring people together. (Though some fictional characters really shouldn’t be brought together.)

See also: Contrivance U, The Great Contrivance Spirit.

Supergirl S02 E05 – Gun control

by Catherine April 24, 2017 Season 2
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Hey, so it’s been a while! I don’t really know why. I do know that I always see people squeeing about this show on Twitter, and I’m not sure if it’s because it’s gotten better in season two or if we are seriously not watching the same show.

Catherine: SAME. I have friends who watch this and tell me it’s amazing. I’m so bored. What are we missing? 

Samantha: Maybe it’s one of those shows that just really really falls apart upon recapping but works if you just mindlessly enjoy it?

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Doctor Who S04 E17 – This is a terrible plan.

by Kirsti April 6, 2017 Doctor Who
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We open in space. We zoom past the Moon to Earth. A narrator tells us that in the last days of planet Earth, everyone had bad dreams. Except that everyone forgot because people are dumb. Well, one person remembered. We zoom in on Wilf(!!!!!!), watching happily as a Salvation Army band plays Christmas carols. He hears a maniacal laugh in his head, and shakes himself.

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After Chapter 14 – Hardin is not Darcy.

by Samantha November 15, 2016 After
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We have made it all the way to Friday and Tessa is excited about spending her evening watching movies, as Steph will be at a party. I just had a flash of prognostication and this will not be how Tessa’s evening goes. She stops by a cafe and the pink haired girl from the party greets her! Oh no!

Tessa somehow remembers her name is Molly and is super rude to her.

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After Chapter 10 – Doomed to sleep on the floor.

by Samantha November 1, 2016 After
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As Tessa flees the horror house lair, she starts to cry. There’s some more whining about how awful college/parties/roommates are. I know we’re trying to pad out these recaps a little but I also don’t want to lose readers from boredom.

Marines: Us trying to write words but not lose readers:

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Designated Survivor S01 E03 – #BogusPOTUS

by Dani Denatti October 13, 2016 Designated Survivor
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Dani: We begin at the site of the Capitol explosion, where a survivor has been found in the rubble. Hannah (Maggie Q) rushes over, obviously hoping it’s the guy she’s been brooding over for the last two episodes, but it’s not. Poor Maggie Q. I wish the writers would give her something to do other than have reactions to stuff.

Samantha: It’s unbelievable wasted potential. I should not keep forgetting that Maggie Q is in this show.

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Dawson’s Creek S04 E12 – Crappy birthday, Pacey

by Kirsti October 7, 2016 Dawson's Creek
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Pacey’s asleep on the sofa when Joey wakes him up by singing happy birthday and shoving a cupcake in his face.

He’s none too pleased by this method of being woken up, and hopes like hell for no further acknowledgement of his birthday because birthdays are the actual worst.

Chelsea: This is not the way to wake someone up, ESPECIALLY ON THEIR BIRTHDAY. You let them wake up naturally and then bribe them with cake.

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Designated Survivor S01 E02 – Stop picking on glasses, dammit.

by Marines October 6, 2016 Designated Survivor
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Hokay. So this episode starts out at the bombing site, still the night of. The head FBI guy, Atwood, tells Maggie Q to look into all the usual suspects and to heighten security. I’m taking a moment to tell you that the playback on the ABC website is shitty, and makes rewatching this episode difficult. Get it together, ABC.

Marines: They also play like 27 years worth of commercials. Get it together, THIS IS THE INTERNET.

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Supergirl S01 E18 – Hi, Barry!!

by Samantha October 6, 2016 Season 1
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Yaaaaaaaaay it’s the Supergirl/The Flash crossover episode!!!!!! I watch The Flash, over on Supergirl’s new home, The CW. I enjoy it A LOT more than Supergirl. It’s my favorite currently airing tv show, even if the season 2 finale DID enrage me. ANYWAY I’M EXCITED.

Catherine: Good that you’re keeping your expectations in check here, Sammy.

Samantha: Shoot for the moon!!!!! Or maybe Saturn!!!

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BrainDead S01 E07 – Pure Torture

by Dani Denatti September 14, 2016 BrainDead
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For this episode’s “Previously on BrainDead” song, Jonathan Coulton pretends he wasn’t just as worried as the rest of us when the space bugs got to Laurel.

Once again, we begin where the last episode ended — with Laurel and Gareth at the bar, trying to make things normal again, and Laurel saying she thinks bugs are eating people’s brains and making them stupid. Because that’s a totally normal thing to say.

Gareth is thrown by this, and Laurel admits she is, too. He asks about the bugs but struggles to take any of it seriously.

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Dawson’s Creek S04 E09 – Have Yourself a Snobby Little Christmas

by Chelsea August 25, 2016 Dawson's Creek
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Lights up on Leery Manor as Dawson and a girl that COULD BE JOEY are in his room watching movies. Only just kidding, it’s totally Gretchen. And the movie they’re watching is one of Mr. Brooks’. Dawson laments that he wants to hate Mr. Brooks’ work (wonder what it’s like to want to hate something that badly, hmmm blonde spider?) but then goes on to call it a ‘heartbreaking work of staggering genius’ and I’m throwing up too hard to wonder if it’s hyperbole.

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Supergirl S01 E16 – Damn that pencil skirt.

by Catherine August 24, 2016 Season 1
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Hey guys! Yes, we are still doing Supergirl reviews even though it takes me a million years to get around to doing mine every time. BECAUSE LISTEN I HAVE A LIFE (I don’t. I’m just forgetful.) (S: We <3 you though.) (C: *heart eyes*)

Anyway, I’m giving you previouslies since it’s been a few weeks since we did the last episode.

Previouslies: We’re reminded that Astra got bummer stabbed and died and Alex finally told Kara that she was the one that did it, Siobhan kissed Winn against all logic and reason, and Lucy broke up with Jimmy.

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Dawson’s Creek S04 E08 – Karma chameleon

by Kirsti August 18, 2016 Dawson's Creek
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Capeside High, first thing in the morning. Everyone wanders around yawning until some random kid runs into the middle of the hall and starts yelling that everyone has to see what’s happened to the swimming pool. I guess Capeside High has a swimming pool now. Cool. Everyone runs after him and giggles hysterically as the camera pans across to show us that there’s a sailboat sitting in the middle of the pool with “CLASS OF 2001” written on the sail, and a golden retriever on board. It’s the principal’s boat and the principal’s dog, and he’s pretty pissed about it. Amusingly, the pissy principal is played by Harry Shearer, better known as the voice of Principal Skinner, Mr. Burns, Smithers, Ned Flanders, and half the other characters on The Simpsons.

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Eclipse Chapter 17 – Poor sport

by Marines August 10, 2016 Books
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As Bella walks the plank that will lead her to a UGH, OH MY GOD, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? party, Edward sneaks up behind her and pulls her into a kiss. Bella tells us there is too much “tension edge” and “lip crush” to the kiss, which has her worried. Because Edward only kisses her to manipulate her, prove a point, or when he’s secretly trying to say goodbye.

Annie: Again, why the fuck are they together? There is no real passion here, unless you count the passion for murdering her, so what the fuck.

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Eclipse Chapter 14 – I <3 Wuthering Heights.

by Annie August 2, 2016 Books
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It’s Wednesday afternoon. I know that, because Bella tells us so. Alice is planning on throwing the graduation party anyway, because the invitations have already been sent. They argue a bit about whether or not it’s appropriate to have a party with the impending doom hanging over them. Alice tells Bella that she will only graduate from high school for the first time once, so that’s cause to celebrate and do it right.

Kirsti: It causes me pain to say this, but I’m actually siding with Bella on this one.

Catherine: I mean, right? ‘For the first time once’ isn’t even a good incentive? 

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Eclipse Chapter 12 – Looming doom

by Kirsti July 26, 2016 Books
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The next day, Alice informs Bella that they’re throwing a graduation party, and also she’s only telling Bella this because she had a vision that Bella would freak the fuck out if it was a surprise. (M: HOW THE HELL is she having a vision about that if it is in no way a decision Bella is making…?) (K: Contrivance.) Bella grumbles about it, and then wants to know why they couldn’t have waited to tell her until closer to graduation. Alice is all “Uh. Graduation is a week away, girl…”

Marines: Time kind of speeds up on me all the time. I get it. But more in a, “I can’t believe it’s June!” kind of way and not this crazy reaction Bella’s having because apparently she missed the June memo entirely.

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